Chapter 38

Toshiro sat on the window seat in his room, gazing out at the evening sky, waiting for his dinner to come. It had been decided that he would wait for cover of darkness. In the meantime, he was using everything he knew and had been taught about himself, his emotions, his motives, and his past to assess his current mental-emotional state. Any thought or recollection that brought pain, fear, or anger was immediately put on trial. He racked himself over the coals and back until he felt that he could resist any attack on that particular weakness. Tears had been shed a few times, but that didn't bother him anymore. He was beginning to realize that "adults and/or Captains don't cry" was just about one of the stupidest beliefs he'd ever had. Crying didn't make him weak; holding onto all of these negative thoughts, beliefs, memories, and feelings is what weakened him.

He had been given a "comlink" that had a direct line to Yoda, just in case. He hadn't used it yet; hadn't needed to, thankfully. It wasn't that he didn't want to accept help from anyone (Yoda had definitely humbled him in that regard), but rather, he needed to know for himself that he could stand up to anything the Chancellor threw at him on his own.

He heard the door open. "I have your dinner," a familiar voice mumbled.

Toshiro turned to see Anakin standing in the doorway with a tray of food and a white bandage for a nose. Toshiro's eyebrows furrowed. "The heck are you doing here?" he asked.

Anakin shrugged. "I don't know. Master Yoda just told me to bring you your food." It was obvious that Anakin was not happy with this assignment.

Knowing Yoda, Toshiro figured that there had to be some reason for this. He sighed, then went back to staring out the window. "Fine. Just set it down here."

Anakin set the tray down in front of Toshiro. Then he paused, turned as if to leave, reconsidered, and sat on the opposite end of the window seat. "…Thanks."

"For what?"

"The message, from my mom."

"Oh… yeah. You're welcome."

The two were quiet for a few minutes. "What's your mom like?" Anakin asked.

"Hn? Oh, well… I was raised by my granny."

"…You mean you've never met your mom?"

Toshiro shrugged. "No, but granny was pretty much a mom to me."

"Oh… well, do you miss her?"

Usually, Toshiro would've been annoyed by this point and would've asked (or ordered) Anakin to leave. But, since Yoda was the one who'd told Anakin to come here in the first place, Toshiro decided it best to just go with the flow of the conversation (which was a pretty big deal for someone who rarely ever had casual conversations with anyone). "A little," he admitted. "I get to visit her on holidays though, so it's not too bad."

Anakin stared at his feet. "Lucky. We never get to visit our parents."

Toshiro looked at him. "…'We'?"

"Mm-hm. Jedi aren't really allowed to contact their family until they're older, and even then, it's not exactly seen as a good thing."

"Oh… I see." Toshiro went back to staring out the window. Thoughts of his granny inevitably led to thoughts of Momo. He remembered the last time he'd seen her, right before he'd left for this dimension. He remembered the worry in her face, the uncertainty in her beautiful brown eyes…

"You're… you're coming back… right, Shiro-chan?"

"Who is she?"

Toshiro blinked at Anakin. "Huh?"

"The girl you're thinking about. What's her name?"

Toshiro's eyes narrowed. Sure, Jedi Masters could pick up on his thoughts, but a kid who's only been training a year? Then again, Toshiro himself had graduated from the Shinigami academy after only a year… "What makes you think I was thinking about a girl?" he asked.

Anakin shrugged. "Just the look on your face." He looked out the window. "I think it's the same look I get when I'm thinking about Padme."

"…Padme?"

"Yeah. She's the queen of Naboo."

"…The queen?"

"Yep."

"And… how old is she?"

"I think she's fifteen. I'm going to marry her."

"…Right."

"What? Aren't you going to marry the girl you're thinking about?"

Toshiro could feel himself getting antsy. Which meant this was something he needed to put on trial. He stared out the window. "I guess… I'd like to, eventually, but…"

"…'But' what?"

Toshiro sighed. "I don't know. It's… just complicated."

"No it's not."

Toshiro sent him an incredulous look.

"You love her, don't you?"

"Yes…"

"Well then, why wouldn't you marry her?"

"Because she might not love me back," he spat. He took a deep breath to calm himself, then stared out the window again. "Not in the same way, anyway."

"Why wouldn't she love you back?"

Toshiro's fingers curled into fists. He closed his eyes, swallowed, and took a deep breath. "I don't know. She just might not. She might fall in love with someone else, or something. And if she does, then I don't want to get in the way. I just… want her to be happy."

"Wouldn't she be happy if you married her?"

Toshiro wanted to scream. Which, again, meant that this was something he really needed to work through. He took a few deep breaths before thinking through Anakin's question. It made him feel… sad, which was surprising. "I'd… like her to be happy," he said, "but… I really don't know. I don't know if being married to me… would make her happy."

"Why wouldn't it?"

Staring at the sunset, Toshiro couldn't help but remember how Momo used to go on and on and freaking on about how "wonderful" Captain Aizen was. "Because, I'm not really the kind of guy she likes."

"So? You know how to make her happy, don't you?"

Toshiro blinked, then stared at Anakin. "…What?"

"You said you wanted her to be happy, right?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, if you love her, then you probably already know how to make her happy. And if you know how to make her happy, and you love her, then why wouldn't you marry her?"

"I…" Toshiro stopped, then returned his gaze to the window for some serious thinking. Now that he thought about it, he did know how to make Momo happy. He always knew how to cheer her up, how to get her to stop crying and put a smile back on her face. But, for some reason, he always felt like it just wasn't enough. Like he was missing something. But… what?

The door opened. "Anak-! Oh, I'm sorry," Obi-wan said, surprised to see Toshiro. "I was just, looking for Anakin… I hope I'm not interrupting anything?"

"No, not really," Toshiro replied.

"Oh… alright, well, come on Anakin."

"I'll be out in a minute," he replied a little too quickly.

Obi-wan gave him a stern look. "Anakin, you need to-"

"I said I'll be out in a minute!"

"The heck is your problem?"

Anakin blinked at Toshiro, as if stunned.

"Your Master just told you to go with him. What part of following orders do you not understand?"

Anakin's mouth gaped, then closed, his eyes narrowing. He slid off the window seat. "No wonder she doesn't love you back," he muttered as he walked away.