Black Lace

I may or may not have cried when I wrote this. When I first started writing this story I never thought it would end like this, I think they'll be a sequel but it won't be for a few weeks if I decide to do one, or maybe it could just be a one shot of Joey? I don't know let me know what you want…Get your Joey smelling tissues guys, I think they might be needed…

Chapter Thirty-Six

LAURENS LETTER.

I feel sick, the sadness I am feeling right now is somewhat addicting, I can't stop it and I can't say I want it to stop, it's familiar and it's become comfortable and easy to live with it stays and when it goes it comes back so naturally. My body aches with self-hatred, yet the things I love the most come from within it, how can that be? I know the sadness all too well in fact and the comfort in it knowing it'll never leave me.

Everyone asks me if I'm okay and I just nod and force a smile it's like I'm a robot and have been programmed to do that. I have kept my sadness to myself, for such a long time now because I remembered the times you'd cheer me up and tell me it's was all going to be okay, I have been waiting for that moment for far too long and when it did happen, it didn't feel the same and I didn't believe the words you were telling me and I shouldn't have to feel like that.

You were there for so long through the ups and the downs and I'll never forget that, but you weren't there when I needed you the most that I also won't and can't forget. You chose to leave me all those months ago, to see if the grass was greener on the other side. You realised it wasn't when you saw how my life had improved without you that day in the café and you had stayed the same only then you were also lonely. I could tell by the tone of your voice that you missed me, you didn't have to tell me. I remembered how you made me feel before all the bad shit and was blinded by that and the thoughts that it would be that way again. It's a shame it never did and its shame you didn't realise before you finally did that the grass certainly wasn't greener on the other side and realise what you had lost so long ago. If you'd have stayed I wouldn't be writing this and I wouldn't be leaving today, if you'd have taken the time to water the old grass it would have been just as green as the new by now. I don't feel that way anymore though and I don't want you. I'll forever remember the times you made me feel so wonderful oh wonderful, but the bad over rides and drowns the good.

I remembered the day I had found out I was pregnant, I was driving home from the doctors having not read the details in the big brown envelope, I was listening to the words, that described my life so clearly my world was the song on the radio, it was like a song form of my mind…

Losing him was blue like I'd never known, missing him was dark grey all alone, forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met, but loving him was red.

Taylor swift hummed through the speakers in the car.

And the next day I went to the card shop and brought a pink box to go with the box I already had for Zack…In the corner of my eye I saw a red box I got that too and that was my decision made, my mind out voted my heart.

Taylor swift was on the radio and the words came to me again

Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall

Like the colours in autumn, so bright just before they lose it all…

Truth is, the song never made me change my mind neither did the red box in the shop…I was already flying through the free fall.

Thank-you for the greatest gifts of all Joey. Our son and our soon to be daughter our bun in the oven.

I'm sorry I didn't have the guts to say all this to your face, but loving you when we was were the best parts of my life.

I'll never forget our red love with black lace trimming.

Lauren/

The last things I left Joey with, the red box and this letter… filled with the best memories red and black lace knickers, suspenders and matching bra. A picture of Joey and I when the first day we met, Derek was in the background holding his nose Joey had punched him…and we were laughing with genuine smiles on our faces, another picture of the day we moved in the flat Joey was holding me and said he was going to carry me over the threshold, even after my protest that we weren't newly married followed by a picture of me and Joey together the night he came back for the first time and found out I was pregnant, another picture of Me Alice, and a picture of Zack when he was first born, scan pictures of both our children and A MP3 Player the first track, KC and Jojo - All my Life and the second Taylor Swift - Red I sang along to the words before placing it in the box and closing the lid.

On top of the box lay a photo of us all as a family…Me, Joey, Zack and Our daughter who was unknown at that moment but Joey's hand seemed to be protectively sprawled across my stomach. The red strong powerful love had turned to blue and had been blue for a long time, but in that photo maybe a mix of both colours and was purple still the red but over taken by the blue.

Thank you to my loyal readers and everyone who has been here from the start! Review let me know what you thought and if I should do a sequel. Hayley x