A/N: This chapter is introducing Valentine's Day, but also catches up with an important question I've been ignoring about Russell and Livvy. Plus, there's a bit of James-ness – we get some closure on the birthday party deal with Jonathon. So I hope you guys like this!
Cheers!
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February 5
9:30 AM
Status: Frazzled
It.
Has.
Begun.
Yes. Two of the most intense weeks known to Hogwarts, the time has arrived. The fever has started to spread. Evidence is sprinkled in around the corridors.
Valentine's Day season is officially upon us.
Now, see, for me, it usually isn't a big deal. I mean, I just don't care. Valentine's Day is Valentine's Day – it's not that much different from any other day, except that people use it as a pinnacle point for their various relationships. But for my friends this year, it's kind of a bigger deal. We've been discussing the matter this morning, starting over breakfast.
"So…can you believe Valentine's Day is only in nine days?" asked Alice, buttering a piece of toast. "The only thing is, it's on a Friday, so the teachers have the Hogsmeade visit on the weekend rather than on the actual day."
"It's not such a big deal," I said fairly. "I mean, putting it off one day isn't going to kill anyone. Besides, it gives people more time to get a date. Twenty-four hours can do a lot."
Livvy sighed. "I just don't know what I'm going to do about Russell this year," she said. "I mean, I've never been in a forbidden relationship before and I'm sure James will be in the village that way, or someone else who's on the Quidditch team. They could see me and bad things could happen."
"I've always said you're taking a very silly line on all this," I said wisely, taking a sip of my orange juice. "Livs, you can't keep hiding this from James. He'll be pissed at you for lying to him for…how long has it been now, six months?"
"Four," corrected Livvy promptly.
"Well, it certainly feels like a long time," I concluded. "And you know James as well as I do – he hates it when people lie to him."
"If you really love Russell, your relationship will survive James," added Alice. "How much do you love Russell, Livvy?"
"Too much," Livvy announced.
"Exactly – so trust him, trust yourself, and trust James," I said. "Tell him. Make things right."
"James has been passing hints that he doesn't approve of inter-team relationships lately," said Livvy, pained. "He's kind of formidable when it comes to his team. He's not going to take this lightly. He might even kick us out."
"No, he won't – if you tell him," I said. "But if you don't tell him, he'll want to take more drastic measures."
"He'll do that no matter what, you don't know how he is when it comes to Quidditch," said Livvy, "and Quidditch matters to me, too. You two, Russell, and Quidditch are all I live for when I'm here. I don't want that balance to tip."
"Livs…" I was about to say something else, when Russell himself came over, grinning at Livvy.
"Hey," he said, leaning down to kiss Livvy. "Tonight, then?"
"Yeah, in the common room, right at nine," she said. "Now come here, I wasn't finished."
Grinning wider, Russell descended back down to Livvy's mouth and she kissed him slowly, richly, as though preparing for the rest of the hours she couldn't have him. They remained attached for about a minute, with me and Alice rolling our eyes and eating toast; but after that minute, Alice snapped, "Oh, please! Get your tongues out of each other's throats and move on with your lives!"
At once, Livvy disengaged from Russell and they both looked at Alice with astonishment. Alice was not the slightest bit fazed.
"No, I'm serious!" she insisted. "Stop that!"
Russell blinked a couple of times, unsure of how to respond to this. Livvy, however, gave him a touch on the arm to tell him to leave, rounding on Alice once her unfortunate boyfriend was safely out of earshot.
"What're you going on about?" demanded Livvy.
"Well, every time I see you with Russell, you're always making out with him," said Alice, standing her ground quite impressively. "You've always got your tongue in his mouth and he lets you. I mean, when was the last time you talked properly, for more than five minutes, about something that worried you, or made you happy, or caught your attention?"
"Russell and I talk all the time," said Livvy haughtily. "You're talking through your hat."
"I'm not," said Alice calmly. "Honestly. When was your last conversation?"
Livvy considered a moment. There was a slight crease between her eyebrows as she said, "Well, I mean, we talk during class and during practice all the time, because everyone knows we're friends, at the very least. But we never get to do any of the cuddly couple stuff until the evening, when we're alone."
"So you mean to tell me you consider the regular, everyday nonsense to be your real conversation?" Alice was utterly incredulous.
"No!" said Livvy hastily, going pink. "I mean, like…we don't get time to be a proper couple, you know, holding hands and stuff, until we're alone and so that's what we do when we're alone."
"That's not a proper relationship," Alice shot at her. "You and Russell are only concerned with the physical aspect – you don't have enough love in you."
Until this point, I had been silent, letting my friends argue this out, since Alice obviously had a point that was worrying her and Livvy had to respond; but now, with this allegation bringing a raw outrage to the air between us friends, I knew I had to speak up. So I did.
"Alice, that's a little harsh – and unwarranted," I said. "You and I don't know what Russell and Livvy talk about when they're together, we have no right to judge—"
"Go on, tell me it isn't true, Livs," said Alice, ignoring me. "You don't care who he is, what he wants or hates or fears – you just want to feel him next to you!"
"That's not true!" Livvy shot back, sharp ice in her brown eyes. "And that's not fair, either! Lily's right, you have absolutely no idea as to the intricacies of our relationship, you have no right to judge—"
"I absolutely do!" Alice cut in. "If I, as your friend, see something the matter, I tell you so that it doesn't come back to bite your arse later. And I'm telling you now, you and Russell are all about the physical. You don't talk, you don't date, you don't do anything except snog the lights out of each other at night. That's not love – that's need."
"You're absolutely—"
"No," said Alice, interrupting again. "When you love someone, Livvy, you don't stow them away to snog in the wee hours of the morning. You are both cowards, happy with your hits when no one can see you, and you don't want to face up to the truth. If you can't handle the effects of your relationship, trust each other to get through this, then you're not for real. It's as simple as that."
"Russell is everything to me," Livvy snapped. "You don't understand us, Alice, because you and Frank—"
"Yes, Frank, my best friend in the world!" Alice was clearly not in the mood to let Livvy talk, so impatient and angry was she with Livvy's argument. "Yes, Frank, who knows me better than I know myself! Frank, who tells me everything; who means it when he kisses me; who isn't afraid to point it out if I'm doing something stupid! What about me and Frank, Livvy?"
"You and Frank are different from me and Russell," she said. "You can't possibly use your relationship as a standard to judge mine."
"You two," I tried to say again as they glared at each other. "C'mon now, eat up, we have to get going, first period starts soon…"
Now, finally, my friends realized that I was still sitting there beside Alice, watching timidly as they raged on about the merits and downfalls of their boyfriends. Both were furious, but Livvy was better at controlling her rage, managing to look ice cool next to Alice's abundant fire.
"Fine," she said. "Let's finish breakfast and go to Charms. We don't have much time."
"Fine by me," said Alice, although she sounded considerably less composed in her forced dignity.
The rest of our breakfast was blanketed by silence, as neither girl had anything left to say to the other. I, being the innocent bystander with nothing to say, tried to bridge the gap – by the end, it seemed to have worked in a feeble sort of way (they were polite enough to each other), but it wasn't like they magically settled back into normalcy. However, I was grateful for what I got, choosing to reflect upon the argument in silence, on my own.
I could see both sides of the situation, if I'm honest with myself. I can see how Alice has no right to say what she said, having known Livvy's relationship so little; but I can also see where she draws her point from.
When I think on it, I really can't recall a time when Livvy and Russell weren't kissing, or cuddling, or commenting upon something physical – like Livvy's hair or how cute Russell's butt looked in those pants. They don't really have too much in the secrets-and-fears-and-what-makes-the-other-tick arena – and if Livvy's claim is correct, and Russell is going to be her forever, what does that mean for them and their relationship?
They're in a honeymoon period for now, being at school and distracted by work, so the affair has charm and ache and everything Livvy has never had in previous relationships. But what will happen if they're forced to get to know each other?
Will they surprise the other with who they really are? Will they be able to stay together regardless of what the other does? Or will they just fall apart, unable to respect that people are more than what various perceptions suggest?
I don't know. Right now, I can fully say that I don't know. But, luckily, this is a good time to be indecisive – Livvy and Alice are still not talking to one another and it's best if I don't take sides. Livvy gets so touchy about that.
Class is just about over for the time being. Everyone's packing up. I'd better go – Livvy and Alice need a mediator, or else I fear one of them will commit murder before lunch.
This is what these girls do to me. They are quite fortunate that I love them both dearly.
Later.
1:00 PM
Status: Silently watching my friends argue in History of Magic
Continuing from our conversation at lunch, Alice, I am going to tell you right now, you don't understand what you're talking about. You're not part of this dilemma. It's not up to you to tell me whether or not I should tell James about me and Russell. –O
Yes, well, also continuing from our conversation at lunch, Olivia, I'm telling you right now that what you're doing is both stupid and wrong. You need to tell James and really figure out your priorities with Russell. You need more communication if you want to survive as a couple. –A
You aren't with us when we're together. You don't know how we communicate. –O
Really? Well, then, tell me – what makes him happy? What makes him sad? What keeps him awake at night, worrying? What is his favorite hobby? What does he want to do when he leaves Hogwarts? –A
I'm not telling you that. It's his business – our business – and it's not for you to intrude on. I'm not taking an exam here, you know, and I've had quite enough of them. –O
If you can't answer these questions, after all this time you've spent together, then you are not a real couple. He is not going to be your forever. –A
I never said I don't know the answers. We've talked about them. He knows my answers to those questions as well. We know each other extremely well – he's met my insane parents, for goodness' sake. We love each other and I hate that you're trying to judge us. –O
It's for your own good, Livs. If you don't know what you're getting into, your relationship will fall apart and both of you are going to get seriously hurt. Don't put yourself through that. Figure this out and be in a healthy relationship benefiting you both. –A
I appreciate the concern, Alice, but if you think your negativity is doing any good, you're wrong. Me and Russell are just fine. You just feel that way because you and Frank can kiss whenever you want and aren't forced to set time aside to cuddle. –O
You don't have to do it that way. You're just too damn stubborn to see reason. –A
Yes, just another one of my many shortcomings. Thanks dearly for pointing it out – wouldn't have been able to go on without the knowledge. –O
Don't be bitter, Livvy. Just because I'm not telling you what you want to hear, doesn't mean I'm wrong. Think about it. –A
I'm not bitter because I'm hearing something unpleasant – I'm bitter because it's WRONG. You are meddling in matters you do not understand. I'm getting kind of tired of it. Can you drop the subject? –O
Sure. Fine. We can drop the subject. All I did was make a point – you were the one to start freaking out about the whole thing. –A
Fine. Another flaw to add to the list. I should take notes… -O
Oh, shove off, Livvy. You're going to be okay. –A
I know. No thanks to you. –O
… -A
Note to self: Never let Alice and Livvy use this diary as a means of communication. Is detrimental to health of all those involved.
11:30 PM
Status: Exhausted but curious
Well, the Valentine's Day/love exploration ordeal has been continuing on through the course of the day, and I'm so damn sick of it, I have decided to ignore the fact that my body is screaming for sleep so I can write it all down, purge it out of my system. I swear, I would go insane if I didn't have this diary to pour some of my thoughts into. My life is far too complicated for my own good.
But before I begin that long, involved, painful rant, I think I'll go into what happened during patrol today with James. That was rather interesting.
See, as much as I don't care about Valentine's Day, James does. He absolutely and completely does. But not in the way I expected.
He unloaded the views upon me today, when we were wandering about the sixth floor. We had just smuggled Sirius into the kitchens to get some supplements for Napoleon's dinner and we were just hanging around, as usual. But James seemed rather agitated, for some reason, and I decided to be a good person and ask him what was up.
"Hey," I said. "You look…annoyed. Is something the matter?"
"Do I?" he asked vaguely, looking even grumpier, somehow, his hand going straight for his hair.
"Yes, you do," I said. "Like a cockroach that's been stepped on."
"I look like a cockroach?" James was not pleased with my analogy. I sighed.
"Don't be an idiot – I've had enough of phrase-sensitive friends," I said, thinking of Livvy this afternoon. "Now tell me, what's going on?"
"Nothing," mumbled James.
I put my hands on my hips. "After spending all this time with me, worming out every single worry of mine you can get at, do you really think I'm about to let you off the hook that easy?"
James smirked. "Well…I guess not," he allowed.
"Exactly," I said. "So tell me. What's going on? Why do you look pissed?"
"It's nothing major," he said with a shrug, rumpling his hair and then sticking his hands in his pockets. "Just…some fourth year girl I don't even know comes up to me and asks me to her Valentine's Day boyfriend."
I was a little surprised, but somehow, I didn't feel like I should be. Maybe to me, he was only James Potter; but I shouldn't have been so ignorant as to forget that he was still James Potter. It's common knowledge that the lower school adores him. Not only is he quite good-looking in that scruffy sort of way, he's funny and popular and an athlete. These are recommendations that could get him into the Ministry of Magic if he wanted to, let alone a few offers for girlfriends.
Wondering if he was jesting, I asked, "Wait, so…you're annoyed because some girl wanted you to be her boyfriend?"
"Yes," said James, as though he wasn't sure why I was so confused. "Wouldn't you?"
Instantly, I thought of Jonathon, but I didn't tell James that.
"Well, I mean…no," I said honestly. "It's kind of an honor. Maybe an inconvenient one, but it's nice that someone cares."
"It wasn't so much the girl but the idea of what she was saying that really got to me," said James. "I mean, not to sound arrogant, but girls asking me out isn't exactly uncommon. But the way this girl said it, her 'Valentine's Day boyfriend,' like she wanted me to be her pet monkey on display…it really got to me."
"I can imagine," I said sympathetically, "but I do hope you let her down nicely?"
"I think I did," he said. "Like, I said I was already otherwise engaged, and she walked away fairly unscathed, but…I dunno. It bothered me. I really hate Valentine's Day."
"Why would you waste your time and energy hating Valentine's Day?" I asked him. "It's not something you should worry about. It's silly, I know, but if people care, they can go ahead and do so. It doesn't make a difference to me."
"It's a terrible holiday," proclaimed James. "It's an excuse for girls to act so…unlike themselves, going and throwing themselves at any guy they can reach, just so they're not alone on a day when everyone wants to show off what they have in front of all their friends. It's meaningless, and yet there are so many people who put energy into it, like it matters. It's ridiculous."
"Maybe, but I still don't see why you care," I said. "It's silly, and I wouldn't be caught dead participating, but you know, whatever floats your boat."
"I still hate it," James pouted.
"And you can – again, it doesn't matter to me," I said with a giggle, amused by this sullenness I was so unaccustomed to seeing from this strange, strange boy.
However, James was quiet a few moments, seeming to soak this in, or think, or do something involving somber contemplation. I let him have at it, walking and whistling quietly to myself, until James abruptly decided to speak.
"Hey, Lils, I've been meaning to ask you about something," he said rather gravely. "And it's kind of personal."
"Sure, go for it," I said, wondering what to expect. He could've been asking me about my sex life, with the way he was looking at me, but I was sure it wasn't going to be something major.
And it wasn't – because the next words to come out of his mouth were, "Are you going steady with that Jonathon kid?"
I blinked a couple of times. Was he kidding? No, no he wasn't. He was dead serious, in wait for my answer. I gave him a weird look.
"No…no, of course I'm not," I said. "Jonathon…no. Merlin, James, where on earth did you come up with that one?"
"It's been bothering me for a while," he admitted. "Well, not really a while…but ever since your birthday party. He acted very…protectively of you, and I was wondering if…I dunno, if his crush had gotten out-of-hand…because everyone knows he fancies you…and it's been going around that you two snogged that night…" His face was growing intriguingly pink as he spoke.
I, however, went pink for a different reason.
"That little toad!" I muttered. "Merlin…I'm going to kill him next prefect meeting, I swear…"
"Is it true?" asked James, aghast. "You really kissed him?"
"It…it wasn't anything like that," I said hastily at his expression of alarm. "I mean…yeah, he does fancy me, and he acted very rudely about that dance – which I'm dreadfully sorry about, by the way—"
"It's fine," murmured James.
"—but like…he was dancing with me, and he told me he wanted to be more than friends, and we were just sort of swaying there, and it all happened rather quickly," I continued, embarrassed as I recounted this extremely personal/girly tale to this not-so-personal/male friend of mine. "He just…leaned in, and we kissed. For only a few seconds. And then it was over. What have you heard about it?"
"I heard it from Mary Macdonald," said James, "and she heard it from Melanie Walters, who heard it from Stephanie Hill, who is one of Jonathon's closest friends."
"Yes, but what did they say?" I asked impatiently.
James went pink again. "Well…I dunno…apparently, Jonathon said that you were really into it, and you two snogged for at least a few minutes before you broke it off. Then he said you wanted to go to the next step and he had to turn you down, because he doesn't think of you that way."
"The little vermin!" I cried, outraged.
"But you have to realize, Stephanie Hill is destined for work on the Quibbler or something, with the way she exaggerates things," James reminded me. "Jonathon could've told her something reasonable and she could've twisted it."
"But clearly Jonathon did nothing to curb his insane friend's testimony!" I was beyond angry. "Merlin, I need to kill that boy. If that's what people are hearing about me…"
"Relax, relax, me and Sirius can calm the whole thing down," James assured me sweetly. "You know how we are. We can make sure everyone gets the right story by the end of the week, no harm done. I knew it couldn't be right, though. You're not really into Jonathon, are you?"
"No, of course I'm not," I said. "I mean, he's a nice enough guy and all…but he's not really my type."
"I figured," he said, almost too thoughtfully. "He's too…eager. You don't like eager."
"Really? Now I'm curious – what else do you think I dislike in guys, James?" I couldn't help but tease, my eyes twinkling.
"Well, I dunno…but not someone like him," said James definitively, slightly startled that I interrupted him. "I'm so glad you're not dating."
"Don't worry about it," I said. "I'm not really into the dating scene right now. Too much work and stress to worry about a boyfriend, you know?"
"Yeah…" he said vaguely, although he seemed somewhat annoyed again. "Yeah, I get what you mean. There's definitely a lot to worry about at the moment."
From there, we did change the subject; but I dunno, something about his expression stayed with me even as we ventured on to discuss the difficulty of our latest Charms essay. He didn't let anything on, and it's probably all in my head, but he seemed irritated all over again, like I'd done something as unspeakable as prove his disposability, like that fourth year.
I wanted to ask what was up, like I had the first time, but something inside of me told me not to say anything and I kept my mouth shut. The patrol finished up smoothly and we said good-bye in perfectly normal tones before parting ways.
But I do have to say…James's accusation about Valentine's Day bringing out the worst in people's love intentions wasn't completely off the mark.
I don't like Valentine's Day for the same reason. Too many weird conversations come up, regarding love and commitment and relationships, and things get fuzzy. It's like asking to delve into the often over-wrought complications that come with bonds between people – and that's not always a good thing. Just look at Livvy and James. They have had their fair share of speculation about things that wouldn't come up unless some stupid holiday forced other people to think specifically about them.
It's actually kind of insane.
But, anyway, before I get into that whole deal, I do have to say that my eyes are aching to the point where I can't ignore them anymore. Valentine's Day is starting to frustrate me – as is the whole world, actually – and I think it's time for bed. I need to sleep. I'm one of those people who fully believe that things will look better in the morning, and I kind of need that, with how unsettled I feel today.
I mean, seriously: in the past few hours, I discovered that my best friend has a potentially shallow/purely physical relationship with the boyfriend she claims to love, and my best guy friend is freaking out because a little girl wanted him to be her temporary valentine.
It has not been my finest day.
Let's hope tomorrow goes a tiny bit better.
'Night, then…
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A/N: Next chapter = The Valentine's Day Chronicles. Very similar to the Halloween Chronicles, if you guys remember those. Hope you like that, and I'll see you next chapter! Review away!