CHAPTER 35

I feel like I've lost you,

When really he knew he couldn't keep you from me

NOW

Regret is sometimes small, like when we make a rash decision for a good cause. Some regrets are a little bigger, like letting down a friend, or not trying your best in a race. Some people don't have time for regret, some are looking too far into the future, while others are fighting to come to terms with their past. There are people in this world who bury their regret, bury it under the promise they will change their ways. The biggest regret will be the things we never do, the things that we hide from the ones we love out of selfishness to obtain the things that were never ours.

He could not do that.

In the quiet of the night, he rolled himself from the motel bed, he crawled his way to the lounge, and he took the pillow, he placed it over her face and he pressed tightly. She awoke with a rush, her limbs flailing. He had built up his upper body strength since high school, maybe his legs did not work but his arms were stronger than he had ever let on. She was rasping and grasping for air, trying to remove the pillow, and then in her most vulnerable state, between consciousness and dizzy spells of blackness, between slipping away and hanging on, he leant into her ear.

"I am going to let Brittany go now, and so are you, do you understand?"

When all is said and done, even the most distorted people will always be met with a decision. The life will come out of the darkness; it will stand in front of you and force you to make a choice. Do you go with that choice? Or do you deny it?

Zoe muffled her answer through the material of the pillow and Artie lifted it slightly to hear her coherently, "Okay," she heaved, "You win,"

It's in the greatest or most trying moments in your life that we are the most truly tested. First day of school, first crush, first job rejected, first electricity bill, a friend dying, a broken heart, trying to reclaim what was always yours.

But these moments, are the moments in which you discover who you truly are. Be tested and discover all the things you can be. Once in a while you might just find that you can push yourself to be better.

"Don't do this," Rachel said exasperatingly, plucking the suitcase and hurling it half way across the room.

"Rachel!" Santana said annoyed.

"Santana this is ridiculous, you've caving in, you've given up," Quinn interjected from beside her desk, "This isn't you, stay here for the rest of the week, think things over,"

"I can't think anymore!" she reeled, "It hurts too much!"

"What about Puck and Gabby? What about staying here and marvelling in William Puckerman, the little boy that our big boy created,"

Santana wanted to bury her face in the jacket she was attempting to put back in her suitcase, she couldn't do this.

"I'll fly to Atlanta when they go back, for now I need to mend my heart,"

"Quinn we have a stray lesbian, mission rescue required,"

"Rachel stop!" Santana said silencing her, "It's over,"

In the entire time Santana had known her, Rachel Berry closed her mouth.

BACK THEN

Open your eyes B, it's me, I've been here all along

9 months apart

Santana had learnt that maybe in the world there were two types of people. People, who listen to the lyrics, listen to everything they mean and analyse what the artist is trying to say. Then there are the people who just want a good beat, who just want something to dance to. Her album had been produced, people knew her name, she was performing for people, and MTV had interviewed her last week. Sometimes things find you when you need them. Sometimes the lyrics and the beat just work like one.

The rain dribbled down the window panes, as the weather outside swirled in the glossy storm that had become firm friends with New York City since Tuesday. Glass of wine in one hand, pen in the other, she needed words to start her second album. Then one word echoed that she wasn't prepared for.

"Santana!"

Following her name, Santana opened the balcony doors, into the wind and leant over the side of the railing to see Brittany on the pave way beneath her, completely drenched and screaming her name.

"Brittany?"

Jesus Christ what in the world was she doing?

"Santana come down here!"

Santana had this unhinged feeling of anger, "You think you can just show up after nine months and demand that I come stand with you in the freaking rain?"

Even from a distance Brittany managed to lock Santana's eyes and before she could even comprehend where her feet were taking her, they were marching her down to the one thing they always retraced themselves back to, Brittany.

Clothes soaked through, Santana could distinguish all the crevices and lines in her body through the material of Brittany's clothes. Her torso, the small curves of her hips, the roundness of her breasts, the strength of her collarbone. It made her weak.

Brittany was holding a folder in her hands.

"I will throw this all away," she said through the rain, "All these certificates, I'll throw every single reference and stop dancing if you say you'll take me back, take me back as your girlfriend, not this person that you're maybe with Santana, I want to be with you completely,"

Santana's knees nearly buckled, "What?"

"I can't live without you," she sobbed.

God Santana had thought it was rain drops streaking down Brittany's face, and now she realised she was crying as hard as the rain itself.

"I tried, but everything on that tour reminded me of you. They drilled me San, they drilled me so hard I forgot what it was like to love dance. And then no one was there at the end of the day to share my love of it with,"

Santana didn't know what to say, she had been engulfed by shock, the moment she had seen her standing below their balcony.

"Please," Brittany begged, "Just say the word and these stupid certificates are gone,"

"No," Santana said shaking her head, and Brittany all but crumbled.

Santana stepped towards her, "I will never let you give up dancing,"

Brittany stilled as Santana closed the space between them, she leant in and kissed her.

She kissed her softly, and then the slow pulls at Brittany's lips become a need, a need that she was never going to stop wanting, and then all of a sudden she had backed her against the wall of their apartment block and was pulling at her lips like she had never needed anything more in her life.

"Santana I hate what I put you through,"

Santana pulled away to look at her, they were both still dripping wet from the rain.

"Brittsticks," she murmured, "It's okay,"

"No its not," she replied, "It's not okay because you're the one who has always fought for us. Even in high school you knew what you wanted and I was just, Jesus Christ I don't even know what I was doing,"

Santana was so glad the rain water was still trickling down her body, because she was burning so much, that if it wasn't, she'd be overheating.

"Brittany, this has never been about choosing our dreams over each other. This has been about balance,"

"Which I suck at,"

Santana smirked, "We both kinda sucked for a while. Baby I will never let you stop dancing…"

"God when you say baby," Brittany breathed, capturing Santana lips all over again.

"This is it," Brittany whispered, "No more second thoughts, no more nothing, I am yours Santana, I am completely and utterly yours,"

Santana stared at her, "You've always been mine,"