Duo's Journals
Entry 37:
He's The Third Wheel
Another Saturday has come... The third one in the new house, starting the fourth week… I think I'm getting used to the house… Especially my room. I've certainly seen a lot of it since I've moved in. Yup, like that little outburst two weeks ago, and now this.
To recap: my life hates me- and I'm a lucky bastard.
After staying up almost all night in a sleepless stupor, I wondered if maybe all my bad luck as of late has been because of some bad deeds on my conscious, or soul, or just everything. I had an amazing week, just to have it closed by an unwanted revelation and I'm noticing that this has been a growing pattern in my life. Lots of good things to be followed by something so bad that it either balances or tips the scales in the wrong direction. Now, granted, I'm not sure how revealed this revelation is, but I've decided that there's really only one thing I can do that might help me now. I mean, think about it, I'm not exactly a saint.
So I went to confession. This is quite possibly the first time I went to confession, ever, unless you count those little discussion things I used to have with Sister and Father… I'm not, technically Confirmed, but I told this to the priest and he didn't kick me out, so I guess I'm good.
I probably drove him nuts. I didn't know how it worked, as I've never been, so he asked me what sins I think I've done in my life. I asked him if he seriously wanted me to go through all of them. It'd take hours, I said. He told me to try him, there are other priests available for parishioners to talk to.
I don't know what I was thinking, I think I mostly wasn't, cause I basically told him my entire life story. Now I didn't tell him I was an ex-G Pilot, but I did say I was a pilot in the war. I don't know what I did and didn't say but as I started getting to more recent things I started to panic.
I blurted that I have feelings for a man. Now, while I know that society doesn't have a problem with this, most churches still do…
He didn't say anything for a long while after that and I was allowed a few minutes to man-up again.
He started slowly, telling me what in the scriptures there is that leads people to believe homosexuality is a sin. But he also told me a lot of other things. He told me that the church has grown to accept homosexuality in some small ways on the basis of true love, but not in regards to what is otherwise the 'typical' homosexual life- namely promiscuity. He told me that I should seek more forgiveness for my past sexual tendencies than for this one circumstance.
He then asked me what I felt, what I truly felt about Hiiro, how long I've known him and where my attraction to him began, and some of the really hard personal stuff… but I told him, he's under an oath to God, after all – you mess up there and you're just plain fucked.
He asked me if there was even a need for me to desire anything sexual out of the relationship at all. Now I know that sounds weird, but I actually had to think about that. Could I tell Hiiro I loved him with the given that we'd never have sex? A mutual love that isn't bound to that?
I told him that I don't think I would be able to handle that. My attraction is in everything; mental, emotional and physical. He wasn't too happy about that, but gave me a lot of general relationship advice and things to think about.
I left feeling a lot better. I mean really. He listened to me and told me so much that I'd never do it justice to write it all down. It'd just take waaay too long.
I really have to think hard about what it is I feel for Hiiro, I mean what I really feel about him. What I want and need from him. I mean, technically speaking and if I had my way, my 'role' in the relationship would be the same. I don't want to be the bitch (bad word, I know)… And he never did pull the "God intended men and women so that when they coupled they could produce" card on me. I'm very thankful to that.
I should probably also decide which church it is that I believe in. I mean, I try to honor Sister and Father and their religion, at least a little. But it looks like theirs is one of those ones that is anti-homosexuality to an almost racist level.
Bleh, my stomach's all wiggly now. I need to take a rest from all this God talk.
In other news, after I came back from my little excursion (Hiiro never asked where I was going, but when I got back he quirked his eyebrow expectantly. I think my change in attitude was, uh, Night-and-Day) Hiiro asked where my coat was. That's right, still at the office. I only have the one real coat, the other two or three things I have are jackets (though there are always sweaters…) This is magnified by the fact that winter is desperately trying to keep its hold and push spring back and as such it's been snowing since yesterday.
I laughed to stall and picked up the remote flicking on the screen as an evasion. Then I came to a STARTLING discovery. Saturdays on PasFi (the Past Fiction channel) there are nonstop crappy horror movies! This is awesome!!
Needless to say, that train of conversation died right where it lay. I practically squealed, ran off and got my comforter and nested on the couch to watch – and mock – what turned out to be a awesome way to set my week right again.
I'm still going to go to church tomorrow, just in case, though. I don't want to test my luck, and all…
Paz Note: Hey peeps, Uhh, I know it's short notice and all, but uhhh… I have to go down to Penn tomorrow GOD-AWEFUL-EARLY for a meeting that I have. I wont have access to my computer, as it is a desktop. I wont be back until late Wed night. So there may not be a post until Thurs, just so you know.
Sorry.