Chapter 35 – Are you there, God? It's me, Dean Winchester
When Dean woke up the next morning, Sam was standing beside his bed, folding the shirts he had washed in the evening, before they had headed to the bar.
The scene was highly familiar, it was something he had woken up to for so many years now, it felt soft, warm, safe, like nothing bad was going to happen as long as Sam was getting up before him to do his their laundry or go for a run.
Smiling slightly to himself, Dean laid back down and crossed his arms under his head. Absent-mindedly, Sam was humming Metallica's "Nothing else matters". Dean's grin grew wider; deep down Sam liked Dean's taste in music, he was just too much of a younger brother to admit it.
Dean watched him fold and pack up the clothes. His shoulders had gotten so much broader over the last few years, he had put on quite a bit of weight in muscles and even though Dean hated to admit it, he had become the fitter of them both. Puberty had hit him very late in life, but when it finally did, it had done a good job. Had it not been for the ridiculous hair, he could have actually been pretty attractive.
Sam yawned and stretched his neck and Dean grinned. Scratch that, he hasn't changed at all. He was still the annoying as hell snotnose of a little brother that Dean would do and give everything for.
Said brother walked over to the bathroom where he had left the rest of the clothes and Dean observed his movements.
He wondered where Sam kept the gun.
In the ragged old duffle bag that was still the one he had stolen from Dean so many years ago?
In one of the magic pockets of his jacket that seemed to always carry exactly what they needed?
Or had he tucked in into his belt?
Dean shivered at the thought of that. The feeling of freezing cold metal against the bare skin, right where you spin was the least protected, was both terrifying and calming. It was a constant reminder of the danger one was in but at the same time the reassurance that one was not going into battle unarmed. No matter what happened, if things went sideways, he would still have his gun to get them out alive.
Sam's gun was a Taurus Model 99. His own was an M1911A1, a .45 caliber Colt, heavier in weight and larger, but taking more time in reloading. He wondered how many people he had killed with it over the course of his life. Sure, it was mostly monsters they had hunted, but more often than he liked to admit, there was a person, a human being, trapped inside the monster.
What would his father have thought of one of their guns being responsible for a suicide? What would he have thought of the whole topic altogether?
The thought of his father made him stiffen, he remembered his nightmare and the darkness in his father's eyes. It was beyond him how he had been able to sleep after that, but somehow, some time into the early morning hours, he had passed out again.
"Oh, you're finally awake!" Sam's voice interrupted his thoughts. His brother was smiling, no hint of the crying of last night. Maybe it had all just been a dream in the end.
"Yeah, I am. And a little disappointed that there is no coffee at my bedside yet."
Sam laughed and turned towards the small kitchen area in their room. "Coming right up, diva."
"No diva, just a man needing his morning kick."
While he trotted towards the bathroom, Sam prepared the coffee and organized breakfast from somewhere in the motel lobby.
When Dean sat down at the small table, Sam passed him his coffee and smiled sheepishly.
"What is it?" Dean knew his brother way too well, he knew he had some kind of ace up his sleeve when he was being this nice in the morning.
"Just drink your coffee first."
Dean groaned. "Sam. Talk."
Sam grinned again. "Alright, alright. I have been thinking – I would really like to see Jody and the girls again."
Dean nodded. "That's a good idea. But that's not what you have been wanting to ask."
Sam laughed. "Well, I thought, since it is such a long drive anyway… maybe we could drive through Cape Girardeau?"
Dean raised his eyebrows. "That's almost 200 miles of detouring! Why the hell would we do that?"
"Well… there is a bookstore in Cape Girardeau and they have a book I would really like to read."
Dean almost spat out his coffee. "A book? You want to trap us in the car for four hours more than would be necessary just so you can buy a goddamn book?"
Sam looked at him. "Yeah?"
Dean did not know how to respond other than slowly shake his head.
Sam held his gaze, his eyes grew wider and wider and Dean felt himself weaken. Those freaking puppy-eyes. He hated them so much. They did things to him he could not put into words. He had to give in to them eventually, he had to. Stupid, stupid puppy-eyes.
He sighed deeply. "What kind of book?"
Sam's smile grew wide. "Remember, three days ago, when we were listening to the radio while eating in that diner? They talked about this book on astrophysics and how it could change our definition of the universe?"
A book. Sam wanted them to drive for half a day just to get a freaking book.
Then, suddenly, a realization hit him.
Sam wanted to drive the whole way just to get a book on astrophysics. On astrophysics, not on Chorea Huntington or guns or assisted suicide or anything else that they had been talking about for the last few months. A book on astrophysics because he was a huge nerd and some part of him had returned to that freakish side of him. Because he was redeveloping an interest in something other than the way he was going to die.
Dean could have punched the air. Sam was a fast reader but even he wasn't going to read the book in a day. He was going to take it chapter by chapter, appreciating the value of the knowledge by digesting it bit by bit. Someone who wanted a book like this was enjoying his life, was trying to live it and make the best out of it. Someone who wanted a book like this was not going to kill himself within the next few weeks.
Dean nodded, trying with everything he had to suppress the grin that was trying to spread across his face. "Alright. We'll finish breakfast and then we'll hit the road."
Sam smiled. "Thank you. I'll call Jody and tell her we are on our way."
.
The drive was long, the traffic was horrible and outside it was pouring like it hadn't done in months. Inside the Impala, however, the mood was sky high. The brothers were blasting Zeppelin, both singing along, slightly off tune and out of sync, but with all their hearts.
Dean looked over to the passenger seat and smiled. He hoped heaven was going to be an exact replica of this very moment.
.
When they finally arrived in Cape Girardeau, Dean gave Sam space to check out the bookstore and wandered through the small city center by himself.
It had finally stopped raining and the last beams of the sun very trying their best to dry the wet and glistening city.
Dean smiled silently to himself when he walked past Dynamite Coffee, a café he had sat in many, many years ago while waiting on Cassie. He wondered where she had gone after they had last seen each other. Was she still around, walking the same streets as he was right now, greeting every second person because around here, in this part of the city, everybody knew everybody? Or had she finally left the town in her review mirror and moved on in a bigger city where skin color meant nothing, and women were finally judged by their talents and not by the size of their boobs?
Dean considered going into the café and ordering a cappuccino just like they had always done when they had met to hang out. He did not even like cappuccino, but she had drawn him in in ways that made him forget the taste of everything but her lips.
He took a deep breath and was about to continue walking when the ghost of a voice from another life made him first freeze and then spin around.
"Dean Winchester? Is that really you? What are you doing here?"
Alright, listen to me: I know it's been ages since I last updated and I am really, really sorry. I've quit my studies and started something new and that has basically turned my life around completely. Plus, I have had the writer's block of the century - I was staring at blank pages more actual months before I could finally find the words.
I know, these are lame apologies, but I can promise that from now on, I will be able to update regularly (because I finally know exactly where we are going from here, hehe).
I hope you are all doing well and you liked today's chapter, please let me know what you think.
Peri :)