Chapter 38
The crowd in the briefing room had more than doubled. It was standing room only, and Kirk could barely get in the door.
*Spock, is this open invitation getting out of hand?*
*Not if they really wish to be here.*
Young called for quiet.
"Good afternoon, people. This show of support is most gratifying. However, those of you who are here solely to express your support may be excused at this time, so as to make room for those who really want to hear the proceedings."
No one moved. Young turned to Kirk.
"Hangar deck's hard to hear; Rec deck's got other traffic. Is there a lecture hall on the base we could borrow? Randy, where are you?"
"Here, sir." He was standing in the back. "There's three possibilities: one seats a hundred, another 500, and the big one seats 2,000."
Kirk turned to Young. "Call and see if we can get the small one. Maybe in an hour. We can do the medical exams first."
Young used the wall intercom and was back in three minutes with an affirmative. So they adjourned to reconvene in one hour on the base. Meanwhile, the Fleet doc's, McCoy, Chapel, M'Benga, Kirk, and Spock all went to Sickbay. Kirk suffered the medical exam and various tests in silence. At least all the scars were gone, so he didn't have to put up with their being appalled. Of course, they gave no opinions, just took readings, poked and prodded, ordered more tests, and muttered to themselves. There were five of them, and they had him and Spock in adjoining rooms. McCoy posted himself in Kirk's room, M'Benga in Spock's room, and Chapel ran errands. The doc's flitted from one room to the other, and conferred in low tones in the corridor.
After they'd done all the basics, as well as a bunch of stuff Kirk didn't consider basic, they finally began to run tests related to the current situation. First they had to prove they were really linked. Kirk was handed a pad with a column of numbers on it, and told simply to look at it. Then they asked Spock to read the numbers. They repeated the test with Kirk reading what Spock held. Then they tried it again with a message printed in Vulcan.
"Do you read Vulcan, Captain?"
"No, but Spock does. You want me to tell you what this says?"
"No, just look at it please."
Kirk was getting bored.
"How much longer, Bones?"
"They've got ten minutes."
*Spock, tell them to give you a message in Klingon.*
The doc's trooped in to hear Kirk read what was in Spock's hand.
"It's a Klingon proverb." He read it first in Klingon, then gave the translation. "All roads lead to chocolate."
As they began to leave again, Kirk decided he'd had enough.
"Look guys, you've time for one more test, so make it a good one."
They looked up in surprise.
"That's right, you're not running this show; I am. You get one more test, then I'm walking out of here. Anything else you want to do will have to be done in front of the crowd with portable equipment."
They looked at McCoy, who nodded his head, then back at Kirk. One of them finally spoke.
"We have only begun to study. What is this crowd you had gathered?"
"Spock invited any interested parties to witness the proceedings. The Vulcans were no more happy about it than you. We have allowed you one hour for tests that require the equipment of Sickbay. That's all you get. The rest of this circus will be in front of the crowd."
"Why?"
"You can ask that there. Time's running out. You want one more test, you better get busy."
They hooked up the brain scanner again and told Kirk to talk to Spock. They even told him what to say.
"This is ridiculous. He heard what you said at the same time I did. I'll talk to him, but don't tell me what to say."
*It makes me mad. They think they know what they want to know, but they're clueless about the whole thing. They don't know enough to ask questions instead of wasting time testing the wrong things.*
*You are more patient with Vulcan preconceptions than with these doctors. However, it is essentially the same problem. They do not understand. Perhaps these understand less than the Vulcans do. Nonetheless, we will help them to learn, if they are willing to be taught.*
xxxx
Ten minutes later, they were gathered in the lecture hall on Starbase 7. Kirk and Spock stood facing the crowd. The Fleet doc's were in the front row of the audience. Again Young opened the meeting.
"Thank you all for your patience. Let me introduce the panel of doctors, from left to right: Peterson, Roanc, Tuvain, Borsch, and Smith. You may ask questions or request test data that can be supplied in this room. You may address your question to either or both of them. Please make your questions as specific as possible. Be aware that the answers you get will be truth as they see it, regardless of political or diplomatic niceties. Dr. Peterson, you get the first question."
"I was under the impression we were here to make a complete and thorough study of this phenomenon. I didn't come here for a panel discussion." He stared his challenge at Kirk.
"That isn't a question, but I'll answer it anyway. As Starfleet officers, we are subject to the medical dictates of the CMO of the ship to which we are assigned. That person is Dr. McCoy. Some of you may outrank him, but in this situation, his word is law. He advised us yesterday that you were coming. We agreed that another two days would not adversely affect the situation. That does not mean that another week would have no affect. I remind you that this affair is primarily about severing the link, not studying it. Dr. Roanc, do you have a question?"
"Yes. You said we could ask about the crowd."
Spock explained the purposes of inviting the crowd. Tuvain asked the first real question.
"Can you explain the nature of this link, and how it is different from the usual Vulcan mind-meld?"
Spock fielded this question also. The panel began to ask reasonably intelligent questions. Even Peterson buried his anger and voiced a few questions. But after two hours, it was clear they still had little grasp of what the severing was going to entail.
Young, Kirk, and McCoy held a brief conference.
Young began. "It's 1800. Everybody needs a meal break."
Kirk pointed out, "To get equal time, we owe them another three hours."
McCoy was blunt. "What shape will you be in by 2200?"
"Better than tomorrow."
"How much sleep did you get last night?"
"None, and I won't sleep tonight either."
"All right, we do this tonight. If nobody gets any sleep, that's their problem. My concern is you. Jim, don't give me that haunted look."
"Just tell me it's not right now."
"Jim, it's not right now. You have several hours yet. Young, announce that meal break, but tell Eric and Carl to stay here. Then if you'd send someone to get food for the five of us, Jim and Spock are staying in this room."
"Bones, I'm fine." Kirk tried to make it be so simply by voicing it.
"Talk to anybody you want, but don't leave this room. That goes for Spock too."
Kirk chatted with half a dozen, as the room broke up into small groups which made their way out the door. Spock sat on the end of the front row and ignored everybody. Young corralled Eric and Carl. Chuck saw him do it, took one look at Kirk, and volunteered to stay too.
"All right. Send Randy for food. I doubt if Jim or Spock will eat, but the rest of us better. It's going to be a long night."
Kirk paced the floor like a caged animal. Eric and Carl had stationed themselves at the exits. Young and McCoy conferred quietly. Chuck sat and watched Kirk. After half a dozen circuits of the room, McCoy intercepted him.
"Jim, look at me."
Kirk raised bleak and haunted eyes from the floor.
"It's not right now, Jim. It's not even going to be in this room."
Kirk brightened considerably. He took a deep breath, visibly relaxed, and almost smiled. But it didn't last.
"That means I have to get from here back to the Enterprise."
"Jim, live in the present moment. All you have to survive is right now. Let the future worry about itself."
"I was doing pretty well until you said it's tonight. I don't want to wait til tomorrow, but all of a sudden, tonight seems very soon."
"But it's not right now. You have a meal and three hours of questioning to get through first."
The food had just arrived. Kirk could smell it.
"I'm not eating." He chuckled bitterly. "Too bad I can't just pretend I'm in Koh's lab, laughing over the fact that the smell of a steak dinner brings on the hunger pains. That was so easy, Bones, and this is not."
"What made it easy?"
"The hunger was a non-issue. I'd already decided I was going to say 'yes' to whatever he did to me. I was after relationship. The rest of it didn't matter."
"Can you say 'yes' to Spock?" McCoy encouraged.
"You mean what he actually has to do - the physical part? I haven't thought about it. Bones, I'm not dreading the physical agony. It'll bother Spock some, but we've done this before. It's no big deal."
"Can you say 'yes' to the emotional agony?"
"I have to," Kirk stated firmly. "Spock can't - won't do it if I don't."
"In the middle of it, can you care more about Spock than about your own agony?"
"Probably. But that won't make it any easier. It's because there's so much caring on a deep level that this is so hard," he admitted.
"Are you thinking your relationship won't survive this?"
"You mean, if we manage not to kill ourselves, that I'll hate him or something? That we won't be able to go back to the way things were? That nothing will ever be quite the same again?"
McCoy nodded. "Any or all of that."
"I am as sure as I can be of anything that I will never, ever hate Spock. This experience has changed us. Things will not be the same. I can hope they'll be better. And I'm not sorry we did this. I just don't know how to survive the night. I don't have the resources to cope with this."
"But you know Him Who does. He'll get you through this, one minute at a time. He loves you both, and He's not going to abandon you now."
Kirk took a deep breath and tried to accept the truth of that. "Thanks for the pep talk, Bones. It helps. You better get something to eat."
Kirk wandered over to Chuck and sat down beside him.
"And what do your beady eyes see in me now, Chuck?" He tried to make light of it, but it was a semi-serious question.
Chuck turned to look him in the eye. "You want to know if it shows."
"On target, as usual." Kirk tried to grin, and half-succeeded.
"Depends who's doing the looking. Peterson hasn't a clue. Some of us can tell it's pretty bad. But I doubt if anybody but Spock knows how bad it really is. How is he?"
"Holding it together. But don't try to talk to him. He's past the point of social chit-chat."
"It's a wonder you aren't." Chuck shook his head in admiration.
"I'm using it as a weapon. He prefers meditation."
"How can he stand there dispassionately answering all those questions? He's not as unfeeling as it looks."
"No. Far from it. A Vulcan giving vent to emotion is violent, or heart-wrenching, or both. But he set himself to put up with this and he'll see it through. He's as stubborn as I am. I know he said otherwise, but I think it'd come down to a dead heat. Anyway, I appreciate your being here, Chuck."
"McCoy asked me to be in your corner, so to speak."
"This isn't a fight, but I'll accept the analogy. Who has he got in Spock's corner?"
"Young."
"That works. Bones is a pretty astute character."
xxxx
When Young reconvened the meeting, Kirk stood looking at the crowd. The place was packed. Apparently, they were the best entertainment for the evening. He observed the sea of earnest faces and decided they really did care. The only place on the Enterprise big enough for all these was the hangar deck. No padded walls. Oh well, they didn't really need the padding. Anyway, it was McCoy's problem; he had other things to worry about. The questioning began again. Trying to explain the emotional aspects of this to the panel of doctors was impossible, but they tried anyway.
After two hours of repeated questions during which both he and Spock gave as graphic verbal descriptions as they knew how, the panel still wouldn't believe it. Borsch would only believe what he saw. Smith was convinced Vulcans had no feelings. Peterson wanted to stick to observable medical facts. Roanc almost came right out and accused them of lying. Only Tuvain seemed to grasp a bit of the reality. Kirk wondered what political machinations had put this panel together. It was almost laughable, but then he was pretty desperate for something to laugh about.
Kirk decided to help them out. "It seems to me that what you need is a closer point of observation. Have any of you ever participated in a Vulcan mind-meld?" All negatives. "In this case, ignorance is hampering your ability to study. I propose one or more of you volunteer for a closer look. And because time is limited this evening, only that volunteer will be permitted any closing questions."
He gazed at each of them in turn, and saw refusal in most eyes. Tuvain was tempted, but not a very bold individual.
"Dr. Tuvain, would you like to volunteer?"
Permission was all he needed. "Yes, I would." He rose and stepped forward. Kirk gestured him to stand in front of Spock. Contact was made.
*Dr Tuvain, I speak to you in the meld, because it is easier for you to receive with clarity, but you will be aware of things we do not say. The memories you see will be perceived in the first person. Do not be alarmed. Your mind is intact and will remain undamaged. There are many possibilities in a meld, but I will not be examining your mind. I will hear thoughts you speak. Are you comfortable enough to proceed?*
*"Yes."* Kirk heard it with his ears, as well as through the meld.
*You do not have to speak with your voice for me to hear. Do you understand the difference?*
*Yes, I think so. Is this what you mean?*
*It is. Now I will show you a few memories. In order for you to comprehend what happens tonight, you must understand the character of our relationship.*
Spock showed him the sequence in which they had gotten saved, the test Spock had created on First's planet, and the restoration of lost memories.
*Now I wish to show you those same memories from Jim's point of view. Come with me.*
They went to the deep places of the connection sites.
*Follow me closely.*
Spock dived into the connection, pulling Tuvain in after him. In the next moment, they arrived in Kirk's deep place, accompanied by an explosion of agony. Kirk dived and skidded to a stop in front of Spock.
*I didn't know you could do that!*
Spock turned to Tuvain. *Notice the character of Jim's emotional response. Surprise, elation at a new discovery, curiosity. You felt some of the pain of our passage. I could not shield you completely. Jim felt an explosion of agony when we arrived. He does not mention it; he hardly notices it in passing. It retains no place in his soul. That is Jim's normal response to pain. Do you sense the truth of my words?*
*Yes. You didn't tell him what you were going to do.*
*I did not want any appearance that we might have arranged this as a performance. Now we will show you Jim's emotional response to the severing. I am shielding myself from it, or this would be too dangerous. Jim, let it go. I will catch you.*
Within seconds, Kirk was on his knees, rocking himself, sobbing and screaming, his fists clawing himself. The force of his emotion sent Tuvain reeling backward. Spock stood his ground, but let it continue for a full minute. Then he reached out and pulled Kirk to his feet.
*Stop it, Jim.*
No response.
*Stop it!* Spock yelled in his face.
Kirk continued to shake and sob, his eyes tightly closed. Spock slapped him in the face, hard. His breath caught, the sob momentarily stilled. A moment later it resumed, only slightly less hysterical. Spock slapped him again.
*Jim, stop it! You must control it. The time is not yet.*
Spock gripped his arms tightly and shook him, then slapped him twice in a row.
*Not right now, Jim.*
Kirk took a deep breath, and another, stopped shaking, and opened his eyes.
*Thanks, Spock.*
Spock let him go, and turned back to Tuvain.
*Jim could have performed that, but that was not a performance. He allowed himself to show you that, only because I promised to pull him out of it. Can you imagine the fiasco if we are both in such a state? And that is before the severing takes place. You begin to see the magnitude of our problem. No one can come to this deep place with us. We must do it alone.*
*We had- I had no idea!*
*I know. That is why you are here. The others may never understand. You, at least, will recognize the depth of what you are seeing. But the situation is by no means hopeless. Look at the memories from Jim's point of view, and see how the Lord works on our behalf.*
Kirk took Tuvain to see the memories, while Spock waited at the connection site. Then Spock took him back through the connection, leaving another agony explosion in their wake. Kirk smiled to himself as he swam upwards. The only way Spock had managed to surprise him was by not thinking about it before he did it. Fascinating, complex creature was Spock.
By the time Kirk surfaced, Spock had withdrawn from the meld. Kirk opened his eyes to find Tuvain gazing at him in frank curiosity.
"That was all in your mind? No one else saw it? But it was real for all of that. I can see a hint of it in your eyes."
"Yes, but before this is over, you'll see it in the physical too. At least some of it."
"If this is really that dangerous, and I'm getting some feel for how bad it is, why sever the link at all? It's not killing you. I've heard you both say several times that if you had a choice, you wouldn't do this. Why don't you have a choice?"
Trust Spock to have thought this one through thoroughly. Kirk let Spock answer.
"There are three reasons for severing the link. While it is not presently killing us, the long-term effects on Jim's brain are an unknown factor. It is entirely probable that his brain cannot handle the presence of my mind for a long period of time. Secondly, while Jim has adjusted remarkably, it remains difficult for him to deal with two sets of sensory input. Entirely possible that it would hinder his ability to function at a crucial moment.
"But the third reason is what makes the severing absolutely necessary. This type of connection is called a death link, because if one dies, the other dies. As long as this link is in place, Jim cannot risk his own life without risking mine. That knowledge would hinder him at such decision-making points. He cannot function in his calling with such a millstone around his neck. The link must be severed."
Tuvain turned and walked back to his seat.
Spock stiffened and raised his voice. "I wish it to be known for the record, this link was my idea, and mine alone. I did not advise the Captain of the dangers before establishing the link. The responsibility is entirely mine. If Captain Kirk dies tonight, it will be me who has killed him," he intoned with severe Vulcan calm.
"Spock! If you hadn't, there's no telling how the mission would've turned out. I will not let you take the blame for this. It was the right thing to do, and you know it!"
"I believed it to be necessary, yes."
McCoy was on his feet, moving to intervene. "Gentlemen, please!" Reaching a point in front of Kirk, he turned to the audience. "If Dr. Tuvain has no other question, it being almost 2200, I'm going to turn this gathering back over to Captain Young."
Kirk suddenly panicked. The meeting was over! That meant- but McCoy was in his face.
"Jim, listen to me! Focus on my face! Breathe! That's better. Jim, it's not right now. We'll be going back to the Enterprise in just a bit, but even then, it's not right now. Do you hear me, Jim? It's not right now." McCoy silently but intensely willed Kirk to hang on.
"Bones, you're lying to me. How can it not be now?" Kirk swallowed convulsively.
"Jim, you've got to live in the present. It is not right this minute, and that's all that matters. I promise you, when it's time, I will tell you. Okay?"
"Okay, Bones. Not right now is all that matters." Kirk took a deep breath and tried to hold it together a bit longer.
"Jim, there's something else I need from you before we go back to the ship. I'm going to give you a list of names. I want your audible 'yes' or 'no', giving permission to be in the room with you tonight. And you're answering for both you and Spock, so I don't have to do this twice."
"Bones, I told you-"
"I know, but humor me, and do this anyway. It's not a guarantee they'll be there. But without your permission, they won't be. First name: McCoy."
"Bones, I don't care if everybody in this room is there. You could bring in thousands of absolute strangers, and I wouldn't care. Neither does Spock."
"I know you don't care." McCoy maintained eye contact with Kirk.
"Then why do we have to do this?"
"Because I said so. Jim, if you don't care, then it doesn't matter why, just do it. All right?"
"Okay." Kirk resigned himself to saying 'yes' a hundred or so times, and didn't even listen to the list. Abruptly McCoy turned to Young at his side.
"We have agreement on all twenty-six names."
"Twenty-six?"
"You weren't even listening, were you? I'll bet Spock was. Ask him what you just agreed to."
"I'm just surprised, that's all." Not that it mattered in the slightest, but twenty-six people wasn't a very big crowd, compared to the numbers in attendance so far.
"Now you and Chuck are going to walk to the transporter room and beam over to the ship. Can you do that? I'll be right behind you."
"It's not going to get any easier, so let's go."