Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx C
As Elliot climbs into the SUV, Taylor quickly drives off without hesitation, I think he understands the urgent need for distance. Walking away from Ana, leaving her at the dock, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and I know it's written all over me. I turn in my seat and lock my eyes onto Kate's car for as long as I can, but all too quickly it disappears out of sight. I feel my whole body drain, the feeling of emptiness that hits me is excruciating.
I need her with me, need her close to me, she makes everything feel easier, helps me see things clearly. Her presence is so calming, her warmth is so comforting. She keeps my demons at bay. How am I ever going to sleep without her?
I glance down at her key in my palm, wrapping my fingers tightly around it, I hold my fist tight to my chest. I focus all my attention on the key, forcing myself not to order Taylor to just turn the car around, to take me back, to give me back my missing piece. I honestly don't know if I'm strong enough to stay away, to give her this time that she needs alone. I sigh heavily, as my mind races.
I don't really understand why we had to go our separate ways tonight, if I had my way, as I have told her before, she would be living with me already, but she must need this, she must need time with her friend Kate, so I had to let her go, even if my heart has gone with her.
I understand that people in relationships, couples, cannot be together twenty four seven, that they need space, their own alone time, but just because I understand, does not mean I have to like it. I don't want to rush her, scare her away, and because of that, we will do this at her pace, her way, no matter how much it hurts.
And by Christ it hurts, I feel like half of me is missing, my mind is all over the place, and I don't know what to do about it... I'm not sure how to handle this... I don't like how it feels. I feel total panic at the thought of her absence, the thought of being without her, fills me with dread but it's not a thought is it... It's happened... And I feel it, twisting in my gut, bringing me down to my knees, making me feel dead inside. As I turn to face the window blindly looking out, I sigh heavily closing my eyes, trying hard to ignore Taylor's concerned eyes in the rear view mirror.
I don't want to go home, not without her. After spending the week in a hotel, it will be strange enough being there, but without her... I don't know if I can... Ana makes the place complete, it feels like home with her next to me, but now Escala will be a constant torment of her absence... And that's not something I'm looking forward to facing. Elliot shifts beside me, making me realise that I am not alone in my wallow. I turn to face him as we pull up outside his apartment, he turns to me before climbing out,
"Do you want to come in for a while? We could down a shot or two? Numb the pain" he offers with a smirk,
"No Thanks Elliot, I'm fine" I mumble with a forced half smile,
"Sure you are" Elliot chuckles, rolling his eyes,
"I just miss her Ell" I sigh feeling totally dejected,
"You have both been apart for less than twenty minutes, get a grip man" he chuckles, play punching me in the shoulder, I force a bigger smile, How on earth does he manage being away from Kate?
"I miss her so much already" I mumble sheepishly, longingly looking down at the key in my palm,
"What have you got there?" Elliot asks, leaning over to look,
"Ana gave me her key... In case I needed her... She... Ell, couldn't I ju..." my eyes rise to his, hope filled, then my heart sinks with his scowl, he shakes his head,
"No Christian, don't even think about it... Text her, skype her, send off smoke signals, but don't you dare go over there, what did we say about not rushing her? Give her some space" he teases sternly, waving a finger, like Dad used to,
"It just feels so strange being without her, we haven't been apart in a week" I mutter, I wish he could understand how I feel, the tightening in my chest, is...
"You'll survive" he chuckles, stepping from the car,
"Will I?" my voice sounds dead, as my eyes follow him,
"Yes you will... For Fucks sake Christian... Look, the 'I've missed you like crazy' sex will be so worth it, trust me... I will see you at Moms in a few days... If you need to talk before then, just call me okay?" he leans into the car patting my shoulder, with a wide grin, "See you soon bro" I nod feigning a smile,
"Good night Elliot, Thanks for today" I say suddenly genuinely pleased,
"Your welcome Christian, we had a great day, we will all definitely have to do it again some time" I nod eagerly, recalling the day, feeling something for the first time since Ana's departure left me cold. As Elliot steps back he turns to Taylor, chuckling,
"Hide all his car keys Taylor, change all the penthouse codes, we don't want him going over there in the middle of the night and fucking everything up" I shake my head with a chuckle, as Taylor confirms his agreement with a smirk. I smile brighter inwardly, as neither of them realise that a car would not be needed, I would crawl on my hands and knees through hot coals to see her, so they do have a point.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx A
As I lounge in my pj's on the sofa with my feet up, a glass of wine in my hand, I realise that for the past fifteen minutes, my eyes have not left the tormenting red wall. I can't stop thinking about him, I feel so lost without him. I know it's silly, after such a short time, but the need I have to be close to him is overwhelming. I want to just run over there right now and curl up with him, hold him, just be close to him.
I shift in my seat with a huff, how could I have been so selfish? I can't believe I did this. Why did I not just go home with him? If I feel like this, then how must he be feeling? He will have so many new feelings and emotions running through him, what will he do? How will he cope with it all? He will have no one to talk to, no one to ease him. I look up suddenly, as something catches my eye.
Kate enters the room, freshly showered, pj's adorned, her fluffy slippers shuffling across the wooden floor, totally ready for girl time. I suddenly hear the door buzz and my eyes shoot up hopefully,
"Pizza" Kate mutters, shaking her head, rolling her eyes,
My split second of hope crashes down around me, making me feel worse. Kate quickly answers the door, then heads back and falls onto the other end of the sofa. Placing the pizza on the table, she pours herself a glass of wine, then adds a top-up splash to mine, I smile my thanks, she leans forward, opens up the pizza box and hands me a slice,
"So... Did you have a good week?" she asks, settling back into the cushions of the sofa opposite me, tucking into her own wedge of pizza,
"It was perfect Kate... Every second of it, and today was wonderful" I sigh heavily, "I miss him so much" I can't help confess, she rolls her eyes,
"Then why the hell, are you sitting here with me and not at Escala?" she asks softly, "He wanted you to go home with him, he didn't want to leave you" her voice is sympathetic,
"I know... I felt... Feel the same, but Kate... We met so quickly, fell in love so quickly, we have only known each other for a fortnight... Ish... I know what I feel is strong, it's a connection that I could never deny but... But... What if it's an illusion and he's bored with me in a month?" I smile up at her but I feel the confusion on my face, and see it reflected back at me from hers, with a small shrug I continue,
"I need to know that our feelings are true and not just lust, I have to make sure that both of us, are not just blinded by all of this, this is the first real relationship for both of us after all... I know it seems soft... But I'm testing the theory, that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I need to feel what it's like, being without him... Then I will know for sure" I shake my head looking down into my wine glass before taking a large gulp. This doesn't even make sense to my ears, but it's hard to explain,
"And how's that working out for you" Kate teases,
"I feel like crap" I moan deeply, as Kate laughs "I feel empty without him" I look up with half a smile "Would you please... Nail all the doors and windows closed, so I don't leave and just run back to him... I don't think I have enough self control by myself" I honestly confess,
"I have never seen you like this before Ana" she shakes her head with a chuckle, sipping her wine "The change in you is..." her voice drifts off, as she shakes her head "And Christian, he has changed so much since meeting you... For the better, I might add... I don't know what you're worried about" she states totally convinced,
"I know how much he's changed, I've seen it myself... But, what if he doesn't like the person he is now and resents me? What if he misses the powerful hard man he was, he may need him more than he even realizes, he hasn't got where he is today I'm sure, by being a pushover, what if..." Kate interrupts,
"You're nuts, maybe hormonal or you could of just had, far too much wine" she chuckles "Ana, Christian truly loves you... Why are you trying to convince yourself otherwise?" she asks bemused,
"I feel it Kate believe me but we are so different, I need to be sure, I don't want to rush into anything, even though I do wish more than anything, that I was with him right now... Don't you miss Elliot?" I ask, my brow furrows, surely she must feel like this too?
"Yes I do, of course I do, but I like my own space to" she chuckles "Plus, the sex is better after a little time apart, you will find that out now that you're not joined at the hip. So is the sex goooood with Mr Grey" she drools, getting comfy on the sofa for all the gossip, I giggle, a flush flooding my cheeks, God only knows why, Kate and I can discuss anything,
"Very, very good Kate, unbelievable so" I sigh closing my eyes, as delicious memories swirl, I feel my cheeks burn as Kate giggles, her eyes eager for more details, "I'm not discussing the nitty gritty with you Kate, some things are private" she pouts playfully, "But yes, he's amazing, if I could bottle the feelings I have when I'm with him, I would be richer than he is" my brow suddenly furrows,
"Is he really that rich Kate?" I ask, feeling a little foolish, for not really knowing anything about the man I love. Kate splutters into her wine with a laugh,
"Ana, you have no idea do you? He is one of the most influential and important men in Seattle" she states,
"See, that is another reason why I had to let him go, his company must need him, he must have so much to catch up on, he needs to focus on that, not me" Kate just shakes her head, but I know how busy he must be,
"Ana, Christian has so many people working for him, I'm sure GEH will manage without him, and thanks to you, I get to go there and interview him, I owe you big time" she smiles her thanks, I smile back shaking my head, as if I would trust anyone else. The conversation takes me back to this afternoon and a melancholy feeling washes over me, as I think of our time on the boat,
"Did you and Elliot have a good day?" I ask, eager to know if she had fun too,
"God Ana, Christian's boat is amazing, I told Ell, he has to get one too, oh the fun that can be had" she drools with a glint in her eyes, then she laughs loudly, as she recalls something,
"I'm just glad everything is okay between those two, Elliot wanted to speak to Christian about what happened with you and Elena at the benefit," she states matter of fact taking more pizza, so she is unaware of my shocked expression, I quickly replace it with indifference as she smiles at me, handing me another slice, I take it absent mindedly,
"What?" I manage to mumble,
"Elliot was worried about Christian, something upset him when I mentioned what had gone on between you and Elena, and he needed to talk to Christian today on the boat, but forget all of that, I will quiz Elliot later" she says dismissively.
How on earth can I just forget all that, if only she really knew their history, but I will never tell. What could Elliot possibly have to talk about? Had he known all along about Christian and Elena? Somehow I doubt it.
"I'm just glad Christian didn't punch Elliot, for nearly putting his foot in it, with the Vegas dig" Kate chuckles, drawing my attention back to her, she holds my eye, hers are still twinkling,
"What... Why mention Vegas? I don't get it" I mumble, as I think back over today, it did puzzle me at the time, Christian's reaction to such a simple question, but I thought maybe it was a brother thing, something they shared,
"Ana, people go to Vegas for three things" Kate's directorial voice, breaks my reverie again "One, to chase the dream by gambling and winning big, Two, to sleep around on stags or hen nights, you know what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, and Three" she holds my eye with a smirk "For very quick, very discrete weddings" her tone insinuates as she raises an eyebrow,
"Well, none of them apply to Christian" I automatically reply, as my mind drift's.
I knew something was wrong with Christian today, when he came back to the table. The way he kissed me, was so desperate so needful. I shudder, I've felt those kisses before, every time he confessed something, every time he thought I would run. Oh no, what did Elliot have to say?
"Ana, Ana..." Kate waves her hand in front of me,
"Sorry" I mumble, taking a swig of wine, I shift on the sofa and face her more,
"So would you?" she asks, her eyes wide,
"Would I what?" I ask frowning, what is she on about?
"Have you not been listening to a word I've said?" she snaps,
"Of course I have, you mentioned Vegas" I vaguely recall,
"What would you have done, if Christian had of taken you there and proposed?" she asks her voice eager, despite her annoyance of having to ask again,
"What?" I almost scream, Kate laughs "He wouldn't Kate... Why would... No..."
"I told you Ana, Vegas offers three things and two of them wouldn't apply to Christian, so that only leaves the quickie wedding and the fact that he asked you more than once, and is head over heels in love with you, proves there is no other explanation" she's adamant, and very convincing I will give her that, but no surely not,
"You're wrong" I mutter, more to myself. How could she possibly be right? We have only known each other a matter of weeks, I know what we feel is strong, but surely not. Christian mentioned Vegas the first time, the first morning in the hotel, he couldn't of meant marriage not after only one night, surely? I feel my heart swoon as I smile, oh my, that man is just amazing, Kate notices my smile,
"So what would you do?" she demands, with an impatient giggle,
"Honestly Kate... I would jump at the change" I tell her truthfully, her eyes widen along with her smile, she shakes her head bewildered "I love him Kate" I state firmly,
"Christ Ana, you mean it don't you?" her voice holds shock, I nod slowly,
"I want to be with him so much, it's only been a few hours since I last saw him but I can't think straight" I shake my head cursing myself.
I don't know why I have done this, it's painful and I hate to think what he must be going through, but at least now I know how I truly feel and my heart aches to be with him. I hope he's okay, emotionally he is so fragile, I don't think I will sleep much tonight, especially now, he will have so much on his mind after talking to Elliot, oh I've been so selfish.
"God you have it so bad, drink more wine you will be fine" she offers, topping up my glass, I chuckle, this is my third glass,
"Are you going to wait until I'm drunk, before you interview me?" I ask, she rolls her eyes,
"I don't need to interview you Steele, I know you, but seriously, is there anything you don't want me to mention?" she asks genuinely concerned,
"Don't mention work, Christian is right, I don't want to be bombarded with work, or give Christian anything more to worry about" the panic he couldn't hide on his face told me how terrified he was,
"Okay...Oh... What did you give him at the dock by the way?" she asks,
"My front door key?" I say with a smile, Kate belly laughs loudly,
"Oh Ana, Ana, Ana" Kate coos, shakes her head, a soppy look on her face,
"What?" I ask with a giggle,
"Ana baby" she giggles, amusement bouncing around her eyes "There is no way on Gods green earth, that you are going to be waking up alone, I will bet my Merc against Wanda, that he will visit you like Father Christmas in the middle of the night and most definitely fill your stocking" her laughter continues, I feel my face burst into a huge grin,
Oh God, I hope so...
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx C
As the elevator doors close behind me, Taylor quickly scurries off and the emptiness of the place hits me. As I walk further into my apartment my stride slows, everywhere I look I can see her, from the coloured walls screaming at me, to the fireplace we curled up in front of, even her book is still on the chair, oh God she is everywhere... But no where.
The place is deserted, silent, depressing... And then there is Gail. I can't help my small forlorn smile, as she eagerly approaches. I see the excitement on her face, and hide a surprising giggle, as I fight the sudden, most unexpected urge to just hug her, her face beams up at me,
"Oh Mr Grey, it is so good to have you home" she glance past me, "Where is Ana, sorry Miss Steele?" her face flushes, I notice her eyes are confused and a little sad. I shuffle past her into the kitchen and slump at the breakfast bar,
"She went home, we are meeting for dinner tomorrow night" I mumble, as Gail comes to stand in front of me, her face falls,
"Oh dear... I'm so sorry Mr Grey, would you like something to eat?" she offers comfortingly "We have Mac 'n' cheese" she whispers with a grin, I chuckle despite my mood,
"No Thank you Gail" Gail's answer to everything is food, but this is one problem it won't fix,
"A glass of wine would be nice though" I say glancing up at her, she smiles thankful for something to do. As she busies herself in the kitchen, my mind starts to race over every second of the last week, I feel my heart tighten painfully in my chest, I need a distraction. As Gail hands me my wine I stand.
"I think I'll try and get some work done, Thank you Gail" I turn and head to my office, leaving a sad looking Gail behind me.
Why the hell did I come in here? I moan, my head in my hand, Work hasn't helped at all, I haven't done a damn thing. I can't take my eyes of the blue wall opposite me and it's driving me crazy. It's her, her eyes, every time I look at it I see her, I can't think of anything else. I know she painted it, so I know she has been in here, I just can't escape her. It's only been a few hours, but I need to see her, her beautiful face, her smile, her blue eyes, her... I sit up quickly, reach into my trouser pocket and pull out my phone, I smile longingly at my screen saver. 'Shit' I jump up quickly from my desk and head for the door. Opening it I step out and yell for Taylor, he appears quickly, eyes questioning,
"Sir" he asks,
"Taylor, where are the photos that Stone took the other day?" I urgently ask,
"There on the memory stick, top left hand drawer of your desk Sir" I notice a small smile, I smile back widely,
"Thank you Taylor" I step back into my office closing the door.
As I impatiently wait for the photos to load, I recall our day and wonder what shots were caught on film, we had a wonderful day, so different, so new, so relaxing. I turn to the computer as the pictures start to scroll and my jaw has virtually hit my desk, "Oh my God" I whisper.
I see it... What we have together... What she feels, it's plain to see... She loves me. It's in every shot, I see it, how could I ever worry that I could lose her? I chuckle softly, as I slowly shake my head, I don't recognize myself. If this is what my family see... No wonder my Mom's overjoyed. I smile, "Oh Ana... I miss you" I breath at her image on the screen, as I trace my fingers along her cheek, the cold hard computer screen, offering little comfort. What I would give to have her here with me now.
Taking the memory stick from the computer, I eagerly head into the kitchen. Taylor is sat opposite Gail at the breakfast bar drinking coffee, while Gail goes threw a cookery book. As I head in, they both glance up. I try to keep my face harsh,
"Gail... What was the meaning of this?" I ask sternly, holding up the memory stick. She steps down from her stool, as her eyes widen and her face falls, I notice Taylor shift in his seat, watching me warily,
"Oh Mr Grey... I do apologize... I know it was wrong... But..." I walk over slowly, as she flusters her words, "Please don't be angry with Taylor, or the security, it was my idea... I wanted... I am sorry Mr Grey, I know I. ..." I reach her and stand in front of her, she lowers her shamed and remorseful eyes, I chuckle, as I quickly step to her and wrap my arms around her, I pick her up and spin her around in a hug,
"Oh Thank you Gail... You wonderful nosy woman... What would I do without you?" I gush happily. As I place her back on her feet, I place a swift kiss on her cheek before stepping away, she gasps and raises her hand to her flushed cheek,
"Sir" I hear Taylor mutter from behind me,
"Sorry Taylor, I hope I didn't overstep the mark" he shakes his head with bemusement, I grin tossing him the memory stick, "I have high-lighted some photos, could you please have two sets printed on canvas, say 2ft by 2ft, ASAP, I'd like a set hung in both my offices"
"Of course Sir" Taylor acknowledges with a grin, I turn to Gail,
"Thank you Gail" I beam with a wink, and her relieved giggle follows me out of the room.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx A
As I yawn loudly and fight to keep my eyes open, I know I'm ready to drop. The sea air, wine and emotional turmoil has drained me and I need my bed. I'm hoping sheer exhaustion will help me sleep, but I'm not holding out much hope. I glance up at Kate, and she too is half asleep, her wine glass balancing precariously on her lap.
I climb off the sofa and taking Kate's hand, and the wine glass, I pull her up, "Come on you, let's go to bed" she rises and pulls me into a hug,
"Good night Steel" she mumbles and toddles off, with her eyes still closed, I smile after her, wishing her good night.
I grab my purse, double lock the front door and turn out all the lights. As I enter the bedroom, my phone starts to ring. Digging through my bag, I pull out the box and my heart falls, as it's making no sound. I dig deeper for the ringing phone and pull out my old one. I smile, as I see the ID,
"Hi Mom" I sing, as I accept the call,
"Anastacia Rose Steele... Why are you smooching, some absolutely gorgeous looking young man all over the TV?" she asks, her voice playful,
"He is rather dishy, isn't he?" I sigh,
"Oh baby girl, you look so happy... I'm so pleased for you, after all this time you have finally found someone, you both look so happy" she gushes, and I bet anything she will have tears in her eyes,
"We are Mom" I confirm with a smile,
"So come on, tell me all about him" she urges,
"Oh where do I start" I giggle, getting comfy on the bed, preparing to tell her all,
"Do you love him? You sound like you do" Her curiosity is evident in her tone,
"Yes Mom, I do, he's amazing I..." I jump slightly, as suddenly the box on the bed starts to ring, "Sorry Mom, but can I call you later? Tomorrow maybe? Christian is calling me"
"How? I am on the phone with you, How can it be ringing?" I hide a giggle,
"It's a long story Mom, but Christian bought me another phone" if I mention my new job, I will never get off the phone,
"Why would you need another one?" I smile, as I imagine the confused look she will no doubt have on her face,
"Actually Mom, now I have three, look I'm sorry Mom, I love you but I need to take this call" I pick up the box, urging her silently to hang up,
"Ok baby, take care, be safe" she preaches lovingly,
"Always Mom, love you"
As I quickly pull open the box, my heart sinks as I notice it's just a text message, I hold the now silent phone close to my chest, with a deep sign, I open the message,
'Good night baby, I miss you, I didn't trust myself to call... Forgive me...
My thoughts are with you... I love you... Christian xx'
My chest tightens, as my eyes scan every word, I want to be with him, why couldn't he call? I long to hear his voice, maybe I should call him? No, it would probably upset him, and me, I re-read his text and sigh heavily, as I send one of my own,
'Good night Christian, I love and miss you too. Sleep well, Ana xx'
How do you put a bucket load of feeling and emotions into a single text? My words could never express how much I want to be with him. As I hit send, I climb into bed, hugging my phone, I quickly roll onto my side and fighting back the tears, I close my eyes searching for sleep.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx T
As I lounge on the bed glancing through the paper, Gail enters the room ready for bed. She climbs in next to me and snuggles down on her side, looking up at me a smile on her glowing face,
"You happy baby?" I ask chuckling, It's a silly question, she has been on a high since Grey's doppleganger kissed her,
"Oh Jason, you have no idea, when he first came home, I felt for him, he seemed so broken but after the photo's he... She really has changed him hasn't she?" her eyes are wide, totally amazed,
"Gail, he has changed like you wouldn't believe. You've only had a taster, wait until you see them together, he is totally a different person but... Tonight isn't going to be easy" after what I was at the dock, I'm surprised he's still here,
"What do you mean?" she asks,
"Well... Let's put it this way, don't be surprised if you hear the piano later" I shake my head, if he starts to play all the depressing crap at 4am I'm gonna drive him over there myself,
"Was it that bad?" Gails tone is ominous, her eyes grave,
"When they left each other at the dock, they were both in bits" and that's putting it mildly,
"Then why isn't she here with him?" she asks with a furrowed brow,
"Beats me, I wouldn't be surprised if Grey wasn't here in the morning for breakfast though, I can't see him having the strength to stay away from her, and you know what? I hope he caves" I confess, shuffling down into the bed getting closer to Gail,
"Oh me too, he needs her, he..." I place a finger on her lips, and eye her suggestively, placing my hand on her hip,
"If Grey caves... We get a lie in..." I whisper, as Gail's face splits into a suggestive grin, I pull her close and start to nuzzle,
"Oh... Then I hope so... Too " she purrs rolling onto her back taking me with her.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx C
After hitting the send button, instead of the call button, I drop my phone on my desk. The urge to speak to Ana is almost overpowering, but thankfully not all my restraint is lost. I know if I spoke to her though, that would be a different matter entirely, the sound of her voice would have me running, of that I'm sure, so a text will have to do. Not that it could possibly say everything I want it to, maybe I should have e-mailed? I suppress a chuckle.
I hope she sleeps well, she has Kate with her, so she will be fine but the lone dark hours of night can be a lonely place, as I know first hand, but tonight is not going to be like that. I sit up straight turn off my computer, turn off the lights and head for bed. As I walk into the bedroom I smile at the gray wall, comforted slightly that she has spent time in here. I quickly have a shower, as I have no urge to linger in there without Ana, then I dress for bed. As I do I check my phone and freeze at the sight of an unopened message.
Sitting on the bed I quickly open it and read it many times before looking away. She has asked me to sleep well, and I smile comforted to know she has been worrying about me, she knows me so well, to understand that sleeping will be harder for me without her. Adamantly I climb into bed, for her I will sleep, I will cling to her subconsciously and not be drawn down the dark path, that usually claws at me in the dead of night. For her, I will slumber peacefully. As I settle down into the bed I smile at the fact she has laid her too and I cling to that fact as I close my eyes and think over every minute of the last week, with images to feast on, I relax and feel my eyelids slowly close.