Bellamy sees Clarke upset over Lexa while they are trying to find Luna. They are alone by the rocks while Octavia and Jasper are by the fire. It's as if they had more time there.
Clarke is sitting at the edge of the sand with her legs crossed. Her arms are behind her, holding herself up. I nudge her so that she looks at me. She wipes her face off with one hand and smiles a little as she looks up. But she still looks sad underneath all of that.
"Hey," I say.
"Sit," she says, patting the space beside her. I sit down with her, putting my legs out in front of me and looking over at her.
I take a deep breath as I look at her, just waiting for her to speak first. When she doesn't, I nudge her arm. She gives me a small Clarke-like smile that shows me she wants to talk about it but doesn't want to feel bad. I put my hand on hers.
"What's going on?" I ask.
"Nothing," she says with a shrug. "We should focus on the mission: on finding Luna."
"No. We should focus on what's wrong with our leader so that when we do find Luna, we aren't going to fail," I tell her.
She gives me a small smile and then nods.
"Talk," I say with a shrug. I want her to tell me what is wrong. Mostly I want to forget about Octavia hating me. I want to forget about her telling me that she hates me and wanting to be away from me. I want her to trust me but she won't even talk to me. Maybe I can deal with someone else's problems for a while.
"I had to watch Lexa die. The bullet that was shot her…it was meant for me. They were so angry with me. There was a fight and when the door opened, she was shot. I told myself that she was going to be okay and that I could fix it, but then I realized where she was bleeding. I was trying so hard to convince myself that she was going to be alive."
"Clarke, that must have been terrible. I'm so sorry that you had to watch that," I say.
"Then we had to take the A.I out. It was all just so strange. I mean, she didn't even know she was an AI. She was so amazing. The way she led her people, the way she acted around them. Even how she knew that they would follow her. It was amazing watching her people follow her and listen to her every word. I wanted to be around her, with her. And just when I knew her really well, she had to die."
I put my arm around her shoulder. She leans closer to me, resting her head on me. I put my head on hers and we lean close to each other. I feel her breathing erratically. We sit here in silence for a while. Telling her that I am sorry she had to deal with that is not enough. She has been through too much. She has seen too much.
"I wish I could help you," I say.
"What?" she asks.
She pulls away from me, crushing my heart. I want her back as soon as she is gone. I want to pull her back toward me and wrap my arms around her body. I want to be close with her, take away the pain. I know that tonight when we fall asleep, we will not sleep right beside each other. We will not fall into each other's arms when one of us wakes from a nightmare. That scares me enough that I should stay awake.
"I wish I could change all of that pain," I say. "I wish that I could take it away. I want you to be okay."
"I am," she says, almost as if she is surprised that I am saying these things. I sit beside her, looking at her beautiful face.
"I'm fine," she says.
"No, Clarke. Don't do that to yourself," I say. "Don't pretend like this isn't hard, like life doesn't suck because we have to make decisions for other people. Don't pretend like you don't miss Lexa. We all know that you do. I don't know how much you loved her but I know that you cared about her or you wouldn't be so upset."
She nods, her face looking sadder as I speak. I stop talking and lean over. She understands what I am asking her to do. She leans close to me and allows me to hold her in my arms. It is a short few seconds. But it is enough for me to realize that she needed this. She was grieving someone we all didn't even know about.
"I wish you could've known her," Clarke says.
I nod. I don't want to know Lexa. I didn't want to know the woman that Clarke chose over me. She left me to stay with Lexa. She allowed me to go through my pain all alone while she stayed with a strong, independent woman who never needed her.
I don't say anything because I don't want to tell her that I want her back, that I need her to just come back to me and leave anyone else alone. First I had to compete with Finn, and I never could. When he went crazy and Clarke turned to me, I couldn't deny her but I couldn't tell her the truth either.
"What?" she asks, clearly annoyed that I haven't said anything.
"Nothing. I just…you chose Lexa over me, Clarke."
"What are you talking about?" she asks, leaning toward me.
"Clarke, you could've come back with me. You could've been alone with me. We could have helped each other. But no. You chose to stay there with Lexa."
"I didn't mean to choose her over you, Bellamy," she says. She has no idea how much that means to me. I need her. I want her so badly. "I wanted to keep the peace. She trusted me. I wanted to keep that trust. I didn't mean to leave you."
I nod. I look back to Octavia sitting by the fire. I want her to love me so badly. I was alone for so long. Clarke was gone. Octavia hated me. Jasper is losing his mind. I don't have anyone.
"You should talk to her," Clarke says.