Author's Note: The aftermath continues.
Diving Into It Together
Chapter 37
Castle felt like he passed through the next 24 hours in something of a fugue state. He had no clear sense of time passing, the hours were punctuated only by the times when the nurse visited to check on Kate's vital signs and he and Jim were then allowed to spend a few minutes in Kate's room. He and Jim managed to doze off and on, drifting off for a few minutes at a time out of sheer exhaustion before being jolted awake by the noise of the hospital.
At one point, his phone startled him by buzzing in his pocket and he hurried down the corridor and out of the ICU to answer it once he saw that it was Esposito, calling to give him a quick update on what they'd discovered so far—a lot of nothing—and to ask how Beckett was doing—holding steady, which was the best possible news right then. He was startled to see that the clock on his phone indicated that it was almost 11 a.m. Only 24 hours earlier, they'd been arriving at the cemetery. God, had it really only been 24 hours since they'd buried Roy, since Kate had been shot? It felt as if Roy's funeral had happened years ago. He wondered how Evelyn and their kids were doing.
His next indication of time passing was when his mother and Alexis returned, armed with coffee and sandwiches. It took his, his mother's, and Alexis's combined efforts to persuade Jim to step out of the ICU and join them but they managed it.
He almost inhaled the coffee but tried to pass on the sandwiches. His stomach twisted at the mere thought of eating. "Mother, I really don't think…" he began only to fall silent as his mother fixed him with one of her looks, one that indicated that she had made up her mind with all of Martha Rodgers's own brand of stubbornness.
"You have not eaten in more than 24 hours, Richard, and collapsing from a lack of food isn't going to do Katherine any good." She turned her minatory gaze to Jim. "You too, Jim. Eat."
He and Jim ate.
This was one of those times when arguing with his mother would be like trying to persuade the tide not to come in and he was too tired to argue anyway. So he dutifully ate his sandwich, although afterwards he couldn't have identified what kind of sandwich it was, and had to admit that the coffee and the sandwich made him feel almost human again.
Jim put away his mostly-finished sandwich. "Thank you, Martha, Alexis. This helped. I'm going back to sit with Katie." He met Castle's eyes. "You should stay, Rick, take it easy for a while. I'll stay with Katie. You've been awake all night."
Jim had been too but Castle's sleep-deprived mind was too sluggish to argue and he did need to spend more time with Alexis. "All right," he gave in.
Jim disappeared back into the ICU and Castle fought against the urge to follow. He didn't like being so far away from Kate, even knowing that it was a matter of feet separating him from Kate. He felt as if an invisible string was keeping him tied to Kate and trying to tug him back to her. But then again, Kate had always seemed to exert a gravitational pull on him and it was worse now.
But he did need to spend some time with Alexis. He knew she was still scared and upset over Kate and he couldn't fail Alexis too. He lifted his hand to touch Alexis's cheek, tugging lightly on a lock of her hair. "Did you manage to sleep?"
Alexis nodded. "Yeah."
He wasn't quite sure he believed her; there were shadows under her eyes, the evidence of a night of uneasy sleep always obvious given Alexis's fair skin. But he decided not to call her on it. "You're sure it's okay for you to be missing school, pumpkin?"
Alexis made a face. "It's fine. We're not doing that much in class now that AP exams are over and anyway, even if I went, I wouldn't be able to concentrate." Her voice wavered a little. "Don't make me go, Dad. I don't think I could stand it, having to sit still and try to pay attention when Kate is… when Kate hasn't woken up yet."
He tugged her into his arms. "Okay, Alexis, you don't need to go. You can take the rest of this week off and maybe go back from Monday. Kate will be awake by then." She had to be. It was—what day of the week was it again? He had to think and then remembered. It was Thursday. Roy's funeral had been Wednesday. Kate should wake up sometime today. She was almost out of the danger zone.
He pressed a kiss to her cheek and Alexis wrinkled her nose a little. "Your face is all scratchy, Dad. You should shave. We brought your shaving kit and some clothes for you."
He attempted a smile. "Thank you, sweetie."
"Oh, and I called Gina."
He blinked at Alexis, wondering if he'd gotten to the stage of hearing things. "You—what—why?" he asked blankly. What possible reason would Alexis have for calling Gina? His dazed mind struggled and failed to think of a reason. Alexis and Gina weren't close and to his knowledge, Alexis had never reached out to Gina herself before.
"I told her what happened. She gave you an extension."
An extension. An extension of what—oh. His brain belatedly remembered. The draft of Heat Rises was due next week. He'd forgotten—or more accurately, simply didn't care. What did his next book matter? If anything happened to Kate, he would never write again, he was sure of that.
But Alexis had remembered and taken care of it.
He reached out and pulled Alexis into his arms. "Thank you, pumpkin. You might have just saved my life," he attempted to joke, "since I'm pretty sure Gina would have killed me if I'd been late with the draft again." The humor fell flat and Alexis only curled in closer to him.
"I want to help. I want to do something to help Kate but I can't so I figured I can at least help you so you can focus on Kate and that's the best I can do right now."
His little girl. His big, little girl. He heard Kate's voice in his head: Alexis is more mature and responsible than you are, Castle, and you know it. He suddenly, absurdly wanted to cry just from the way he could so clearly hear her voice in his head.
"You do help," he assured her. "You help just by being you."
He was rewarded as Alexis's expression brightened a little. "Oh good. And Dad, I was thinking, what about Kate's apartment?"
Kate's apartment. Oh shit. Another thing he'd forgotten. He was failing at everything right now. He'd failed at keeping Kate safe, had failed at saving Roy. Was failing to make Alexis feel better, failing in his responsibilities to Black Pawn (although he couldn't bring himself to care much about that), and now he was failing to help Kate, again, in taking care of the aspects of her life that she wasn't able to take care of right now. They had been planning to finish emptying out her apartment this weekend, hadn't they, before everything with Johanna Beckett's case had blown everything to hell. He couldn't leave Kate. At this point, he expected to be living in the hospital for the foreseeable future until Kate was discharged.
He had to cudgel his sluggish mind into functioning, trying to plan something.
"Oh right, thanks for reminding me, sweetie," he began. "I'd arranged for some movers to come and pack up her furniture so maybe you and Grams can supervise and then accompany the movers to put Kate's things into Grams's storage space?"
He glanced at his mother, who looked delighted at the prospect of telling a bunch of men what to do. "Of course, Richard, leave everything to me."
He grimaced a little. Well, it was only supervision of movers. It would hardly give his mother much scope for exercising her dramatic talents, so to speak, and complicate things. He would see about calling Lanie, seeing if she'd be willing to help pack the smaller stuff that was left.
"Tell Kate not to worry, Dad," Alexis volunteered. "We can take care of everything with her apartment so she can focus on getting better."
He didn't know how he had lucked out so much with Alexis, he really didn't. "I know I can rely on you, sweetie," he said rather gruffly. "And I know it'll make Kate feel better."
Once she woke up. She had to wake up.
He persuaded his mother and Alexis to leave, reassuring them, again, that he would call if anything changed with Kate's condition. He had to force himself not to run down the corridor to return to Kate's room. The half hour or so he'd just spent away from her room felt like half a day. It occurred to him that if Kate were awake, she would be snapping at him for hovering and not leaving her alone. God, he wanted her to snap at him and grumble about giving her space.
He stopped to stare in Kate's window, soaking in the sight of her, still breathing, her heart still beating, as if it were oxygen, the air he needed to breathe. It would be another half hour at least before the nurse returned and he and Jim would be allowed inside the room but for now, he just needed to see her, keep his eyes on her. Felt irrationally that he needed to stay close, as if his very proximity was anchoring her to life. Or maybe it was the other way around and her proximity was anchoring him to life.
Castle and Jim both jerked to their feet when Dr. Davidson approached, along with the nurse who had been checking Kate's vital signs today and whose name Castle vaguely remembered was Nina.
"Good evening, Mr. Beckett, Mr. Castle," Dr. Davidson greeted them as they followed him into Kate's room and watched as he checked Kate's pulse and then the screen of the heart monitor. "I see from Miss Beckett's chart that her vital signs have held steady all day. Her pulse is strong so I'm confident in pronouncing her entirely out of danger now."
Jim almost sagged with relief and Castle instinctively grasped Jim's arm, his own knees feeling less than stable. Oh thank God. Kate was out of danger.
"We'll take her off the anesthesia now but it will probably take her a few hours to wake up. Sleep is the best thing for her right now so we'll leave her to wake up naturally. At this point, someone should stay in the room with her until she wakes up and you can press the call button when she does so we can extubate her and generally check how she's doing again."
"Can other people come to see her now?" Castle thought to ask, remembering Alexis and her pale, stricken expression.
"During visiting hours but no more than one or two visitors are allowed in her room at any given time," Dr. Davidson answered and then added, with a hint of apology in his tone, "It's ICU policy."
Castle nodded. "Understood."
"Thank you, Doctor," Jim remembered to add.
The doctor nodded and then he was striding out of the room while Nina lingered to give them both an understanding smile. "Miss Beckett will be fine. All her vital signs are pointing to recovery so try not to worry."
Castle tried but couldn't quite manage a smile. He appreciated the effort but knew it was entirely beyond him to stop worrying. He would worry until Kate was back on her feet and back to work again—and then he would still worry because of the nature of her job. Yeah, he was never going to stop worrying about Kate. The best he could hope for was that he could return to his usual confidence in Kate's physical abilities that had allowed him to keep his protective instincts under control until now.
He and Jim settled into the visitor chairs, watching as Nina adjusted something on one of the machines attached to Kate, likely the anesthesia, he guessed. Castle was sure he was holding his breath but Kate's heart monitor held steady.
The moment Nina left, Castle was scooting his chair forward and leaning over so he could slide his hand gently around hers. It wasn't the most comfortable position but he decided then and there that he was going to keep holding her hand like this until she woke up and possibly even after that. He was never going to let her go again.
And he and Jim settled in to wait. Again. Still. But this time, at least, the wait was easier with the reassurance that Kate was out of danger.
He had drifted off into an uneasy doze when he abruptly awoke, for a moment confused about what had awoken him when he realized it had been a twitch of Kate's fingers in his.
He surged to his feet, leaning over her, not daring to breathe as he stared at her. Please, oh please…
He felt another twitch of her fingers and then her lashes fluttered and then, as he watched, her eyes opened, slowly, blinking a couple times before focusing on him.
"Kate," he breathed.
She made a soft sound and then her eyes flared wide with panic, the sound of her heart rate abruptly increasing, as she gagged on the breathing tube.
He was peripherally aware of Jim frantically pressing the call button while he focused on Kate. "Kate, ssh, it's okay," he hurriedly said. "Don't try to talk. You're going to be okay. It'll be a minute until the doctor gets here to remove the breathing tube so just wait. You're okay, Kate. You're going to be fine," he soothed, with no very clear idea of what he was saying.
Her fingers tightened a little around his and she blinked and then frowned and a single tear slipped down her cheek.
Oh god oh god oh god. She was in pain. She had to be in pain. The amount of pain she must be in was killing him because if it was bad enough for her to cry, it had to be excruciating. He couldn't stand it. Where was the doctor, damn it?
He swallowed hard. "You're going to be okay, Kate. Don't panic, please. Just watch me, focus on me, Kate. You'll get through this," he babbled.
And then, finally—thank God—there was a bustle as Dr. Davidson, Nina and another nurse came rushing in. Castle found himself unceremoniously pushed aside and he exchanged quick glances with Jim as they watched as Dr. Davidson leaned over Kate. "Miss Beckett, I'm going to remove the tube so try to relax and on the count of three, blow out, all right? One… two… three."
He gently but quickly pulled the tube out and Castle fought the urge not to cringe at the sight. Oh god, that looked terrible and he suspected it felt worse.
Kate gasped and choked a little, her body spasming, and a few more tears escaped her eyes as she coughed.
He glanced at Jim to see that Jim looked on the verge of collapse, as if he was in more pain than Kate was. Which was very likely true. Castle knew from painful experience that it was a million times easier to suffer pain oneself than to watch one's child in pain. He flinched.
"Good to see you awake, Miss Beckett," Dr. Davidson said gently. "I'm Dr. Davidson. You gave your family and friends quite a scare but you're going to be all right. I know your throat must be sore and we'll give you a few ice chips in a few minutes. Just try to breathe normally for me."
Castle couldn't help it and stepped forward, thankful when Nina made room for him so he could hold Kate's hand again. "Kate."
Jim stepped forward as well and Kate's eyes flickered to him. "Katie," Jim choked out. "Oh God, Katie…"
Kate blinked and then her eyes flicked between him and Jim and Castle somehow understood.
"She's going to be okay, Jim," he reassured quietly, placing his free hand on Jim's shoulder. Even now, Kate didn't want her father to be worried.
Dr. Davidson checked Kate's vital signs again and then nodded at Nina and she stepped forward. "Open your mouth, Miss Beckett."
Kate did so with an obedience that made Castle feel absurdly like crying because his badass Beckett was never meek and he had never seen her listen to anyone's instructions so quietly. Even when she'd been suffering from hypothermia after the freezer and hadn't been able to feel much of anything, let alone walk, she'd argued with the EMT. Not for the first time, he wondered if Kate would be changed, if she would have lost any of her Detective Beckett fire. Kate would hate that, would never allow it to happen. Right?
Nina placed a few small ice chips in Kate's mouth and then waited until after a few minutes, Kate opened her mouth again and Nina gave Kate another few ice chips.
"There's a morphine drip attached to your IV to help you manage your pain and you can use this button here to up your dosage if the pain worsens," Dr. Davidson told Kate. "I'm afraid you have a long recovery ahead of you but the important thing is that you're out of danger now. Get some sleep, Miss Beckett. We'll go over your prognosis in more detail tomorrow."
Kate managed a small nod and then the doctor and nurses left the room, leaving them alone, just their little family unit.
"'m okay, Dad," Kate croaked. She paused, seeming to have to gather her strength to continue and Castle tried not to wince. Seeing Kate like this was physically painful and he could only imagine what it was like for Jim. "Don't look like that," she mumbled, her voice raspy and barely audible.
Jim choked a little. "Sorry, Katie-girl. I'll be better, I promise, don't worry about me."
Kate's fingers twitched in his hand and he tightened his grip on her fingers as much as he dared. Her eyes were already getting a little hazy, the morphine kicking in, but she blinked a few times to try to focus.
"Tired," she whispered.
"Sleep, Kate," he said gently. "You're going to be okay."
She blinked her eyes open again. "Castle…" she slurred, the two syllables of his name blurring together. "Stay."
He bit back a sob. "Of course, Kate. I'm not going anywhere," he promised.
She was asleep again.
But she had woken up, was out of danger. She was going to be fine, he told himself for what must have been the billionth time or so in the last 36 hours. And for the first time, the words felt like more than a reassuring platitude. For the first time, he really believed it.
It took some doing but he managed to persuade Jim to leave and get some sleep, succeeding more because of Kate's last admonition than because of his own persuasive abilities. And then he sent off a small flurry of text messages, to Espo and Ryan and Lanie and Alexis, each with the same message: She woke up. She's out of danger.
The responses were immediate, all with some variant of Thank God and a request to tell Kate that they'd be visiting tomorrow.
His duty to the rest of their family done, he settled back into his chair to watch Kate sleep.
Castle had managed to fall into an uneasy doze when his head slipped off his hand and he awoke with a jerk, blinking, and then immediately lifted his head to check on Kate to see that her eyes were open.
He immediately stood up to lean over her. "Kate, hey."
She managed a twitch of her lips as a substitute for a smile and he thought his heart might burst. "Hey," she breathed.
He forced a small smile, the expression feeling foreign on his face after the last couple days. "Were you watching me sleep? I have it on the best authority that staring's creepy."
She gave a weak little chuckle that broke off on a gasp as she winced. "Hurts to laugh."
Shit. His smile fell off his face as his own heart clenched. God, what was he doing, hurting her more?
"Do you need more morphine?"
She frowned and shook her head just a little. "No, don't wanna. Makes me feel… loopy." Her tone was rather petulant. It was adorable.
He lifted a careful hand to stroke her cheek, unable to resist touching her. "Okay but don't try to be a super-hero, Kate. You don't need to be in pain." His throat closed up and his voice went husky with emotion. "I can't… don't make me watch you suffer."
"Mm'kay," she agreed tiredly—and something tugged at his heart because the ready acquiescence wasn't like her. As relieved as he was that she had agreed, he found himself irrationally wishing that she had argued with him. "Dad?"
"I sent him home to get some sleep. He'll be back in the morning."
She nodded a little. "'Lexis?"
His heart filled. God, he loved her for asking about his daughter even now, lying in a hospital bed recovering from a major surgery. "She and my mother are at home. They'll be visiting in the morning too."
"Castle."
"Yes, what do you need?" he asked immediately. He would do anything for her, would walk barefoot across broken glass if it would help her recover.
"Kiss me."
He blinked, for a split second convinced that he was hallucinating in his sleep-deprived haze. She wouldn't—couldn't possibly be asking him to kiss her now when she'd been fighting for her life just a day ago.
A faint frown creased her brow as he failed to respond. "I must look awful and I—"
He cut her off with his lips, kissing her softly, lingering for just a few seconds. And felt some of the jagged shards of terror that seemed to have embedded themselves in his heart melt away, the gashes scored onto his heart over the last day mending at the touch of her lips, the way she kissed him back.
He drew back slowly, watching as her eyelids fluttered, her gaze hazy, although he was reasonably sure that it was more a side effect of the morphine than of his kiss.
"You don't look awful, Kate," he whispered. "You're beautiful."
A ghost of a smile tugged at the corners of her lips. "Liar."
"Not a lie," he countered. "It's the truth." She was pale and wan, her very lips colorless, but she was still beautiful—beautiful and wonderfully, amazingly alive.
"Then you must look worse than I do."
He grimaced and rubbed a hand down his bristly chin. "Makes me look more rugged," he attempted to quip. He didn't doubt that he looked terrible, not that it mattered.
"Scruffy look… reminds me of when we met at your book party," she mumbled. She blinked a few times, slowly, and he could see that she was once more starting to drift back asleep. The morphine really was making her groggy.
He touched her cheek with his fingers in a light caress. "We can talk more later, Kate. For now, just sleep."
"Mm," she murmured. "Castle?"
"I'll be right here when you wake up, Kate," he promised.
"Good," she mumbled. "You owe me a question."
He made a sound that was halfway between a laugh and a sob. "I'll ask you," he managed to choke. He bent and kissed her forehead gently. "I promise I'll ask you properly."
"You'd better," she slurred, her eyes closing. "You sleep too."
"I'll try."
He stroked a careful hand down her hair even as he blinked back the ridiculous, stupid tears that insisted on welling up in his eyes.
He was thankful that her eyes were closed so she couldn't see the tears he couldn't quite hold back. And it was only then that he realized just how afraid he had been that she would be changed, would be left somehow less than her old badass Beckett self, as a result of the shooting. Even when his fear over her life had been eased, he had worried, her uncharacteristic passivity bothering him. Now he was reassured. She was still Beckett. She might be weak and drugged up but she was still his bossy Beckett.
And that was all he needed.
Dr. Davidson returned bright and early the next morning to check on Kate.
"Good morning, Miss Beckett, Mr. Castle."
"It's Detective Beckett," Castle found himself correcting automatically. It sounded odd to his own ears to hear Kate referred to as Miss Beckett and he assumed Kate would prefer to be called Detective Beckett.
"'s okay," Kate contradicted, although her voice was still too weak to make the word accurate. "Miss Beckett is fine, Doctor."
Dr. Davidson blinked, his eyes flickering between Kate and Castle before apparently deciding not to wonder at it. "Well, then, how are you feeling this morning?"
"Tired," Kate sighed.
"It's normal to feel exhausted after undergoing any sort of surgical procedure as your body recovers from a significant trauma and I'm afraid your surgery was a long and particularly invasive one so you will likely feel exhausted for a good while to come."
Kate nodded. "My recovery—how long will it take?"
Dr. Davidson let out a breath. "Well, the bullet lacerated your pulmonary artery. We were able to repair it and stop the bleeding and then repair the other damage but you are facing a long and difficult recovery. You will need to stay here in the ICU for a week at least, at which time you will be transferred to the general wing of the hospital for another week or so, as you regain some more strength and mobility. After that, even after you are released from the hospital, you will need to be on near-total bed rest for at least two weeks."
"Two weeks," Kate breathed in clear dismay, despite the softness of her tone.
"I'm afraid so. You must allow your body to heal before exerting yourself and possibly putting too much strain on your heart and the repaired artery. Following that, you may undertake some minimal exercise for another two weeks and then you will face about two months of physical therapy to build up your strength. So in total, you are facing a recovery period of at least three months before you will be back to normal."
Castle tried not to wince at every word, the lengthy process facing Kate. Three months. She wouldn't be back to normal—which meant she wouldn't be able to work—for at least another three months.
But she was alive, he told himself, and she would be back to normal. What was a three month span of time compared to that?
It suddenly occurred to him to wonder how good the NYPD's health insurance coverage was. He should look into that. He rather doubted that it would cover the extent of physical therapy to get Kate back into her usual kickass physical condition. He made a mental note to talk to the hospital, ensure that Kate would have a private room once she was moved out of the ICU and that she would get the best physical therapy money could buy.
"Three months," Kate repeated. "Oh."
"I know it's a long time but you are expected to make a full and complete recovery with no lasting consequences," Dr. Davidson consoled.
"Yes, thank you, Doctor."
"Now, let's see how you're doing." Dr. Davidson proceeded to check Kate's various vital signs, listened to her heart beat through a stethoscope, asked Kate to try to lift her arms.
Castle fought to preserve his poker face and not interfere or otherwise show his emotions. It was hard to watch, to see Kate, the strong, capable Detective, reduced to this, unable to lift her arms more than a few inches and then not able to keep them raised for more than a few seconds at a time. Images, memories of Beckett sprinting in her high heels or otherwise man-handling criminals who were almost twice her size flashed through his mind and he suddenly felt like crying. Stupidly. She would do all that again. It would take time but she would recover, would once again be the kickass Detective he had first fallen in love with.
By the time the doctor finished, Kate was wan and looking even more exhausted than she had been.
Castle stood up and cupped her cheek gently the moment Dr. Davidson left. "Sleep, Kate."
"Doing nothing but sleep," Kate protested in a mumble that rather made a mockery of her complaint.
"Sleep is the best thing for you right now. Besides," he added, "your dad will be back soon and he'll worry if he sees you like this."
Kate appeared to have to muster the energy to narrow her eyes at him. "I see what you're doing, Castle."
Yes, she was definitely still Beckett. "I'm still right, though, Kate," he told her, assuming one of his 'Daddy knows best' looks that he'd developed when Alexis was little (and which had lost all efficacy as of a few years ago). Under normal circumstances, he had no doubt that Beckett would, at best, snort and roll her eyes at him if he'd ever tried using such a look on her before. But these weren't normal circumstances.
"Yes, fine," Kate agreed rather petulantly but her eyes were already drifting closed, belying the words and the tone.
Kate had only been sleeping for a couple hours when his mother and Alexis showed up, the minute visiting hours began and even before Jim had returned. His heart clenched a little at this evidence of how scared and worried Alexis and his mother must have been. He hadn't thought about it much, had been too focused on Kate.
His mother was holding a large bouquet of flowers and he took them as he greeted them outside the ICU to lead them down the hall to Kate's room. "Kate's sleeping now," he cautioned, "but you can stay a little while and at least see her for yourselves. Just remember that only two visitors are allowed in the room at a time."
Alexis stopped abruptly in the doorway of Kate's room, a small sound escaping her. "Oh God, Dad," Alexis almost whimpered. "Kate looks… is she really okay?" She had paled and turned wide, scared eyes up to him, suddenly looking younger than her years. She was too young for this; he hated that his daughter had witnessed a near-fatal shooting and now had to see someone she knew and loved fighting for her life. Alexis had never been so exposed to death or such a serious injury before and he wished with everything in him that she could have retained that innocence longer. She might have read his books but as Castle knew all too well, reading about fictional murders was not at all the same as seeing it in real life.
He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, meeting her eyes. "The pain meds make her groggy but she really is going to be okay. She's woken up a couple times now and talked. I know the machines are a little scary but she's just sleeping now."
"No, 'm not. Hey, Alexis."
The sound of Kate's weak voice made them all start a little and turn sharply.
"Kate!" Alexis rushed towards the bed, apparently forgetting her immediate fears in surprise, and he tensed as it looked as if Alexis was going to throw herself at Kate to hug her but at the last second, Alexis checked herself, hesitating.
"'s okay, Alexis," Kate murmured, lifting one hand a couple inches.
Alexis visibly relaxed a little as she took Kate's hand in her own, squeezing it for a moment. "Does it hurt a lot, Kate?"
Kate shook her head a little. "They've got me on good pain meds. I'm okay, Alexis, just tired." Kate managed a small smile, the first real smile since she'd awoken, and his heart gave a painful bound at the sight. She was smiling, as wan as it was, and smiling in order to reassure his daughter. Oh, how he loved her.
Alexis smiled, the tension in her form easing. "I'm so glad, Kate. I—I was really worried."
"Sorry I scared you."
It was Alexis's turn to shake her head, decisively enough that it made her hair flare. "It's not your fault. Just… get better, okay, Kate?"
"I will." Kate's eyes flickered to him and then back to Alexis as she managed a pale simulacrum of her teasing smile. "Someone needs to help you keep your Dad out of trouble and I'm kinda used to that job."
Alexis gave a hiccupping sort of laugh. "And you're good at it too."
"Hey, I'm standing right here," he huffed in exaggerated protest.
Alexis glanced around at him and he felt his heart swell with emotion until it felt like his chest was too small to contain it as he saw the smile playing on her lips, the humor brightening her eyes. She looked almost cheerful again. "You know it's true, Dad."
"I don't like it when you two gang up on me," he pretended to grumble.
"Stop pouting, Castle."
He met Kate's eyes—and felt the vise around his heart loosen and dissolve almost entirely. He could see that it took some effort but she was teasing him, although her eyes were soft rather than humorous. She looked and sounded more like Beckett than she had in two days.
He suddenly, absurdly wanted to cry. Again. The stress and worry of the past couple days were clearly making him unhinged.
Alexis laughed softly and he moved to put his arm around her, tugging her in close to his side and with his other hand, he grasped Kate's hand. And for the first time since Roy's funeral, he felt more like himself, the ground once more stable beneath his feet. At this moment, with Alexis and Kate, his entire world was in this room.
"Alexis, aren't you missing school?" Kate asked quietly.
Alexis shrugged. "It's fine, Kate. Don't worry about it."
"You hate missing school."
"I'll go back to school from Monday."
"Okay."
Kate's eyes were starting to droop although he could tell she was fighting it so he stepped in. "Kate should get some more sleep, pumpkin."
"Oh." Alexis looked stricken and he could have kicked himself. He needed to do a better job about remembering Alexis's feelings; his worry over Kate was clouding his mind to the exclusion of all else and that wasn't fair to his daughter.
"No, Alexis, I wanted to see you," Kate spoke up. She was doing a better job of reassuring Alexis than he was. He loved her for it but what kind of father did that make him?
"Feel better, Kate. I'll be back tonight." Alexis hesitated and then bent and kissed Kate's cheek.
Kate gave a rather tired smile. "Take care, Alexis."
Alexis left the room and was immediately replaced by his mother.
"Oh, Katherine darling, you are a sight for sore eyes," she proclaimed, immediately bending and kissing Kate's cheek in turn.
"Thank you for the flowers, Martha."
His mother waved a hand in airy dismissal of Kate's thanks. "Nonsense, Katherine. It's simple good manners to bring flowers to a hospital. Now, you be sure and get plenty of rest. And if Richard starts getting annoying, feel free to kick him out and send him home or just call us and we'll come and make sure he stops hovering."
"Hey!" he huffed. What was it about the women in his family that they all loved ganging up on him?
Kate smiled. "I'll remember but for now, I've been sleeping most of the time so he doesn't bother me."
"Well, the offer stands." His mother cupped Kate's cheek in one be-ringed hand. "Now don't you worry about anything. We'll make sure both Richard and your father eat properly so you just focus on getting better."
"Thank you, Martha."
Just for that, for remembering to include Jim in her reassurances, he decided that his mother could go on another shopping spree and made a mental note to tell her that. Later.
His mother and Alexis left with a promise to return that evening with dinner for him and Jim.
Kate was still awake, fighting her drowsiness. He knew she hated this—Kate never slept this much—but if sleep would help her heal, then he would become a supporter of Maleficent and her spell to make Sleeping Beauty sleep for years.
"You managed to make Alexis smile again."
"I didn't like seeing her look so worried."
He pretended to pout. "Apparently me telling her that you were going to get better didn't do any good so she needed to hear it from you."
"Seeing something with your own eyes makes a difference."
"Skeptical Beckett."
"Still believe in us, though," she mumbled through a yawn.
He felt warmth blossom in his chest. The morphine was making her loopy, reducing her usual emotional reticence so she would say something so unusually sentimental, but she'd still said it. He bent and kissed her softly. "I love you, you know."
"Love you too."
A cough had him starting and he turned to see Jim in the doorway. Jim still looked tired, the ravages of the past few days still visible on his face, but he had clearly made an effort to appear put together, his clothes casual but crisp, and he was freshly-shaved. A slight smile was playing on his lips now and Castle felt himself flushing a little. So much for a private moment.
Kate forced her eyes open again. "Hey, Dad."
"Hi, Katie-bug. How are you feeling?"
Katie-bug? Castle blinked, feeling the first bubble of real amusement in what felt like weeks.
"Just tired. Did you get some sleep?"
"I slept like a rock," Jim answered immediately.
Looking at him, Castle was fairly sure Jim was lying through his teeth but he didn't say anything. Jim was trying to keep Kate from worrying.
"I ran into Martha and Alexis by the elevator," Jim went on. "It was good of them to visit so early."
"Alexis is an early bird," Castle answered obliquely. He didn't want to talk about how scared Alexis had been. Served him right for letting her miss school. Now, thanks to his own lenience, she'd suffered the trauma of seeing someone she loved being shot right in front of her. Meredith might not be a great parent but at least she had never put Alexis through such trauma.
"I think they're worried about you, Rick. Why don't you go get some breakfast or at least some coffee, Rick?" Jim suggested. "I can sit with Katie for a while."
Leave Kate? Castle's first instinctive reaction was viscerally negative and he opened his mouth to refuse but then belatedly realized that Jim had not actually had any time alone with Kate since she'd awoken. "All right. Thanks, Jim," he agreed instead. "I am hungry," he went on mendaciously. "Should I bring you back anything?"
"I already ate," Jim assured him.
"Go on, Castle. I want to talk to my dad, anyway."
He gave Kate's hand a gentle pressure and then left.
He should leave the hospital, get some fresh air, since he hadn't actually been outside in more than 48 hours.
He didn't make it outside.
He made it as far as the hospital lobby, in sight of the large glass doors, before he had to stop, his feet suddenly feeling as heavy as if he'd been fitted with concrete shoes like some mafia victim. And that was nothing to the way his pulse was skyrocketing, his breathing coming fast and shallow.
Sunlight glinted off a car parked outside and he flinched, hearing the distant echo of screams in his head, and then he turned and fled, retreating back until he was well out of sight of the front entrance to the hospital, and collapsed into an empty chair. He rested his elbows on his knees, shutting his eyes as he attempted to get his breathing under control. In and out. In and out.
Kate was fine, out of danger. She was fine. She was fine.
The words formed a reassuring mantra in his mind and he clung to them. It was irrational, he knew that, but it didn't change the fact that he could not leave the hospital. He needed to stay near her. Felt as if every step putting more distance between him and Kate was stretching the string connecting his heart to Kate's to the point of snapping. It was almost physically painful to be away from her. He couldn't leave her. Not yet.
He went instead to the hospital cafeteria, picking up a muffin and a cup of coffee, before returning to the chairs outside the ICU. He ate the muffin in a desultory fashion and gulped down the cheap coffee and heroically refrained from returning immediately to Kate's room. He would give Jim more time with Kate. He, at least, had the benefit of having spent the last two days at Kate's side without leaving her for more than a couple minutes at a time. He didn't know how Jim had managed to leave the hospital and Kate's side but it occurred to him, not for the first time, that Jim had reservoirs of strength that more than equaled Kate's. And getting to know Jim, being able to count Jim as part of his family, was another way in which knowing Kate had enriched his life.
So he waited and let Jim spend uninterrupted time with Kate. He owed them both nothing less.
And he was fine. He could spend an hour or two away from Kate and unable to see her for himself. Really. He could.
Okay, he wasn't fine. But he was managing.
Kate was going to be okay, was going to recover. And as long as that was true, he could face anything.
~To be continued…~
A/N 2: As always, thank you, everyone, for reading and reviewing, especially the Guest reviewers whom I can't thank directly.