It is a great relief to be writing Poker Night again! As some of you know from PMing me, I stumbled upon a bad case of writer's block. As the story came to an end I struggled to know where to go with it. Anyway, now I think I have cracked it. I hope you like it.
xx CHIPS
...
Brendan is a friend. Brendan is a friend. Brendan is a friend. Brendan is a friend. And him calling me to meet up is no big deal so stop being stupid.
I say this to myself over and over again. So why am I trying on my third outfit after having a shower and still looking at myself in the mirror in disappointment? Maybe it isn't the clothes. Maybe it's my hair. I step up closer to my reflection and comb my fingers through it.
"What are you doing?" Amy sing-songs as she comes into my room.
"Nothing." I say as I flatten my hair and smooth my clothes. I turn to face her. "Um. So I am going out for a bit, yeah."
"Yeah?" She sniffs me and raises her eyebrows. "You smell nice."
"Thanks."
She takes in what I'm wearing. "You going somewhere nice?"
"Not really." I say cagily.
She goes all suspicious. "Those are your pulling clothes."
"Ames!" I roll my eyes at her. Ever since my break up with Noah she seems dead keen on my love life. Or maybe it is just because she is loved up with Pete. I know I can't tell her that I am going to see Brendan. Even though I am just his friend now I know that Amy would give me a right earful about hanging out with him.
She would probably put that face on that she gives the kids when they have been playing up and say something like, 'Ste! Brendan doesn't do friendship. Can't you see that this is just a slippery slope? Before you know it you will be right where you started; in his bed, bruised and battered.'
I look down at my clothes. Maybe I am a little too dressed up. I should change.
I start taking my shirt off and take advantage of it covering my face as it goes over my head to lie to her,
"It's my day off so I thought I'd hang out with Doug."
She grips my arms and lowers the shirt back onto me. Her face looks surprised. "Are you still talking to Noah's mates after what happened?"
I swallow. No. I'm not. They probably hate me. I think they'd punch me if I tried.
"Yeah." I say and nod. "They're cool."
"Cool." She smiles at me. "I am glad that you are hanging out with them. It's good for you."
"Yeah." I say again, feeling guilty about being dishonest with her. I kiss her cheek. "I think I'm going to change."
She pats my chest and gives me a small smile. "Don't. It's nice."
"Really?"
She nods. "Really."
-0-0-
I walk to the corner of my cul-de-sac where Brendan said he would pick me up; the place where he picked me up when we went to Rome. God, it feels like ages ago, that.
He hasn't exactly said what we are going to do but I am full of anticipation as I spot his black car already parked on the corner. My stomach flip flops.
Stay cool.
His window lowers as I approach and he stares at me as I round the car and get into the passenger seat.
"Hiya." I say as I put on my seat belt. "Am I late?"
I know I'm not . He is early. And he is really looking at me. Like really. Enough for me to think that I have something stuck in my teeth or something.
"No." He says after a moment. "No. You are right on time."
He starts the car and looks ahead. "You're looking good, Stephen."
My heart speeds up. What a stupid reaction to an innocent comment.
"Bet you say that to all the boys." I say lightly.
I am surprised when he smiles at that. "Only when it's true."
I swallow against an urge to flirt more because this is flirting, isn't it, what we are doing right now?
I say, "So what's the plan?"
He pulls away from the curb and gives me a small grin. "Now that would be telling."
-0-0-
We barely talk as we hit the road. It isn't strained or anything but it builds the tension and anticipation.
I am surprised when he parks up in the woods located a few miles out of the village. What is the idea here? Picnic? Walk? Mountain biking? Bird watching?
Somehow none of these things seem like things Bren would be into.
He gets out of the car and opens the boot before closing it again and walking round to my side.
He knocks on my window and says,
"Come on," and indicates for me to get out.
When I do I stare at what he has in his hands.
"What are those for?" I say stupidly as I watch him put the L plates on the front and back of the car.
"The roads are quieter here." He straightens up and lifts an eyebrow at me. "Get in."
He points at the driver's seat before he sits in mine and closes the door. I stare at him through the open window standing my ground at the side of the road.
I shake my head. "Um. No."
His car is a high-spec, polished, unblemished Mercedes. There is no way I am going to practice with it.
"Stephen, it takes you three bus journeys to get to my place from yours. And I've heard that the night service is shit on its better days and has rapists and murderers on it, so..."
He dangles his keys in front of me.
"Come on, Stephen." He stares at me. "You've got your provisional licence, don't you?"
I nod but then nudge my head towards the car. "I am going to crash it, Brendan, honestly."
"You won't."
"You don't know that. I couldn't afford to get it fixed." I cross my arms in front of me.
His hand stretches out to grip my elbow. The keys dig a little into my flesh; not painfully but enough to notice. His warmth on my skin is familiar. It makes me tense up then shudder.
He pulls away suddenly. He has misunderstood. He thinks I don't like his touch. He couldn't be more wrong. I love it. But maybe it is better for him to think I find it repulsive. It makes this whole 'friend' thing easier.
"I'm fully comp." He says after a while as a tick goes off in his cheek.
His eyes lock with mine. Then they drop to my lips. They stay there when he continues to speak low; like a rumble in his chest. "Buses are a bitch, Stephen."
I hesitate.
Me and cars. It is not a good thing. I cause harm with them. Sixteen year old me does anyway...
-0-
"I bet you, you can't do it." Amy teases and lightly shoves me in the chest as we walk out of the school gates at the end of the day.
Michaela gives her evils and says, "If Ste isn't up for it let it go."
"I'm up for it!" I say and give them a sly smile. I can feel the adrenaline pumping already. I'm buzzing from the rush so I lie, "I can drive. I've done it, like, at least five times already, so-"
"But we're in uniform. What if the police catch us or summat?" Michaela protests.
We walk through a supermarket car park and I go, "Just stay on the lookout, yeah?"
I start trying the handles of the cars as we walk along. The sixth car along is open so I think to myself that the owner is stupid and that I am doing them a favour. I am teaching them a life lesson about how they shouldn't be so trusting or how they should be more careful in the future otherwise bad shit will happens like their car getting nicked.
I climb into the driver's seat and jump-start it easily. Old cars. You've got to love them.
"Get in." I say to the girls. They giggle and Amy beats Mickey to the front passenger seat next to me.
They both fancy me. They have made it really obvious with their hair flicking and laughing at everything I say even the stuff that isn't funny. And I think it is pretty cool to have two girls after me. Maybe I can cop a feel of one of their breasts or something later if I play my cards right. Yeah. That's the plan. Go on a joyride. Ditch the less keen girl. Cop off with the more keen girl. Ditch the car.
But things don't go according to plan.
I spot Fletcher and Josh as we drive out of the supermarket. Both are in Amy's class, a year below me and Michaela.
Fletch winds me up and gets under my skin even without trying. He has a girlfriend who he is always snogging 24/7. Honestly, it is gross and unnecessary how much they cop off in public. Who needs to see that?
Also, he irritates me no end with his longish blond hair that flops into his eyes so that he has to push it off all the time. And I hate that he is a goody-two-shoes who always stares at me, disapproving, with his hazel eyes. They have flecks of green in them I'm pretty sure. He never gives me the time of day; thinks I am bad news. So really I should just ignore him. Instead I shout to get his attention as we slow the car down next to them.
I bully him into coming along for the ride, saying that he is a right square if he doesn't. Eventually both him and Josh jump in.
We head off, destination motorway, to get some speed going. I can feel Fletch's judgmental eyes in the back of my head. I try not to keep looking back at him through the mirror. What an asshole. When Mickey finds some lager under the front seats, she and I start drinking. I try to get Fletch to have some but he says,
"You're not meant to drink and drive, Ste."
He angrily turns his head away to stare out of the car.
I mock his voice and then laugh but inside I am devastated. He doesn't like me. He can't stand me.
He checks his seat belt. We all have them on except for Amy. When Mickey asked her to put it on Amy said, 'Seat belts are for wusses."
I think she was trying to impress me.
I suck on the first bit of my third can of booze and then turn around to look at Fletch again. I make a smacking sound with my mouth and sigh like I am dead satisfied with my drink. Then I throw the nearly full can at him. It spills all over him.
I thought that would make me feel better by making him know that I don't care if he likes me or not. But for some reason I feel worse. I feel like helping him clean up the mess I have caused on his uniform.
At that moment Amy and Josh scream.
Michaela shouts, "Ste! Look out!"
Everything happens in a blur after that.
I turn back round to clock the road. I spot an animal in front of us that I try to swerve around. I avoid it but end up veering off road. I panic as the rough terrain of the pebbles makes us jostle in our seats. I grab the steering wheel with both hands and slam my foot onto the brake pedal but I am too late. We are headed for a tree and before we know it metal hits solid wood.
Airbags go off. Steam flies out of the bonnet. The smell of petrol reaches my nostrils. My hand, left knee and back ache. My tongue feels sore like I must have bit it.
The car is hissing and whining, Michaela is crying, Josh is breathing very fast while he scrambles to get out of his seat.
He keeps shouting, "Amy!" over and over again.
I look across at Amy numbly. She is lying slumped and not moving. This all feels unreal. I slowly process what has happened. We have just had an accident.
My first reaction is to look behind me. It is like a reflex just to make sure he is okay.
Fletcher.
He stares back at me; wide-eyed with fear. He is bleeding from a cut on his forehead.
"Your head." I say quietly.
He snaps out of his shock then and leans forward as his face becomes angry. He shoves me forcefully on my shoulder. "You prick! You could have got us killed! You are a fucking idiot, Ste!"
I am crushed by his words. He is right. I am an idiot and a part of me, a vague barely formed part, knows that this was about showing off to him or something.
I watch numbly as him, Michaela and Josh drag Amy out of the car. She isn't moving at all but I can see her breathing. All Michaela keeps saying over and over again is,
"She's pregnant."
That is enough for me to see the situation for what it is.
Fucked up.
I drove without a licence. I stole a car. I drank alcohol underage. I drank while driving. I damaged property. I caused bodily harm.
I take a step back thinking that I need to get away. Fletch spots me backing up.
He whispers angrily with Amy in his arms,
"Don't you dare."
But he is too late. I run away as fast as my legs will take me.
-0-
I look at Brendan. It has been ages since I thought of that incidence. I have avoided it. It feels like I was a different person then; immature dangerous and reckless. I also know that I had a huge crush on Fletcher. It is strange how I didn't recognise it for what it was at the time.
"I can't drive ever, Brendan." I say. "Sorry."
"Why?" He says as he gets out of his car again and leans on its side to face me.
"Because," I close my eyes for a second. Do I tell him? "Last time I drove was nearly five years ago and I got into an accident; a bad one."
He doesn't react straight away. "You were sixteen?"
He has done the maths. I wasn't even entitled to a provisional licence.
"Yeah and I was drinking alcohol and, uh, it wasn't mine. The car, I mean."
He keeps a poker face.
"Amy was in there with me. She was pregnant. Early. I didn't know at the time." I feel myself shaking. "Uh. I-" I feel a tear form and rub it away. "She got hurt really bad."
I whisper this. Fuck. I have never said this to anyone. I mean, opened up about it. Brendan keeps looking at me steadily.
He hasn't run away yet even though I am showing him what a monster I was.
"She could have lost her. Leah. Because of me." I hear the tremble in my voice.
I close my eyes because I am embarrassed that I have become so emotional around him. What do I expect now, exactly? Brendan is no Agony Uncle. He is no Amy. He doesn't know how to comfort and listen.
I open my eyes again and through the blur of tears I whisper, "Sorry."
I point at my face feeling like a little baby who hasn't got any control over its feelings. "Ignore me. Can you take me home now, please?"
I gently push him aside so I can get back into the passenger seat but he closes his hand over mine as I try to open the door. He intertwines our fingers and lifts my hand away from the car before gently turning me round to face him.
I don't pull away from him so he probably thinks it is okay to take a step up to me until I feel his chest against mine when I take a breath in. He has trapped me between the his car and his body.
I look up at him wondering what he wants.
"You were okay though, yeah?" He asks.
I frown.
"After." He clarifies.
Does he mean after the accident?
I nod slowly. "Yeah. I were fine."
His arms slowly wind themselves around me, tightening at my waist as he draws me into him. I try not to be too aware of his body against mine, thinner since his illness but still firm and toned. His dick through his jeans and against my belly button, is un-aroused but full of potential.
If this was happening in our past, I would know what happens next. Either me or him would go in for the kiss and one thing would lead to another...
Shit. I shouldn't be thinking like this. We are friends now. Right? I think this is him comforting me. And also friends can't kiss, can they? Even though that is exactly what I want him to do. Kiss me.
His hands splay over my back. I feel the steady thud of his heart against me. My head tucks into the grove of his neck and without thinking I breathe him in; aftershave, leather, clean sweat, minty gum. Masculine. God, I missed this. I ball my hands into fists as I wrap my hands around him and rub my head lightly against the roughness of his stubble.
That is how we stay for a while and I feel calmer. I could stay like this forever.
After a while, I come to the reality of where we are; on the side of a road where anybody could see us. Maybe I should push him away before he thinks the same. I couldn't take him rejecting me first.
I press my hands against his chest and push him away. Then I get into the car without a further word.
He stands outside for a while not moving before slowly walking back round to the driver's side and getting in.
He doesn't start the car; just stares straight ahead.
"Stephen." He says quietly. "What makes you think that if you drive you are going to mess up again?"
I frown. Why doesn't he just drive me home and forget this whole incident? I thought that is what he was good at. Glossing over bad shit and acting like it didn't happen.
" 'Mess up' makes it sound like I got a question wrong in a school exam." I scoff staring ahead too. "There was five of us in the car, Brendan. Josh couldn't get into a car for two years after what happened without having panic attacks. Michaela became a right bitch. Didn't trust anyone. Fletch got charged for the whole thing. Taking without consent and driving without a licence. After coming out of Young Offenders he was never the same. He became a drug addict. He was a nice lad before I fucked up his life. And Amy-"
"What makes you think that if you drive you are going to mess up again?" Brendan repeats even slower than the first time.
He smoothes his moustache down. "What makes you think that you won't hit Amy again? What makes you think you won't deal again, Stephen?"
"I-" I don't know... what to say. I just kind of know.
"You are Amy's best friend now. You are, uh, a top lad. Hard working. Above the law. Mostly. People... they care for you. Respect you. Uh, they... love you, Stephen. And that is because of who you are not who you once were." He drawls slowly, as if he is speaking to himself. "The world would be a shit place if people couldn't change, I say. There would be no hope for the wicked seeking redemption."
He turns to look at me and I am shocked at how sincere he looks. It is like a mask has been taken off and all I see is pure uncovered Brendan Brady.
Is he trying to say that he thinks people can change? Some people maybe but not him. He hasn't so far...
"You are on an early shift tomorrow, aren't you?" He says.
I nod.
"Good. Bring your provisional licence."
"Okay." I reply before thinking.
I hold my breath when his hand comes up to cup my face. He looks at me point blank and then his eyes follow the path of his fingers as they graze down from my temple to my cheekbone, jaw, neck and collarbone. He pauses them there and I feel like hyperventilating when he then runs the tips of his fingers along its hard length towards the shoulder disturbing the collar of my shirt.
Then he lifts them off me.
"Huh." He sounds and I shudder as my heart beats so frantically that I can't believe that he can't hear it.
The effect he has on me is ridiculous. I am going to need an ice bath when I get in. Definitely.
He is a friend. He is a friend. He is a friend. He is a friend.
What was that touch for? I button up the shirt button that exposed me.
He is a friend.
"Don't worry. I won't pounce on you, Stephen." He sounds tired.
"I didn't-"
"I'll take you home and we'll try again tomorrow."