I can't believe Eamon let me lock up a darkspawn in Redcliffe's dungeons. It's so ridiculous that I want to laugh. My life is ridiculous though. Everything is ridiculous. My life, the Agents, Thedas, all of it. Right now, I'm standing outside of the...'interrogation' room, doing my best to block out the grunts and screams coming from within. It's not that I feel guilty (okay, maybe a little for Leliana after sending her in there to do the interrogating) but disgusted. The noises that thing makes...ugh, they make me sick. They also make me want to remain on Leliana's good side. I don't want her to end up doing whatever she's doing to that thing to me. Of course, that would also require her to get past Hope, and I'm not sure she could do that. Hope creeps her out, and Leliana likes to make sure I know that.

Eventually, she emerges. She's grimacing and wiping black blood off her gloves. "So?"

"So I think we have a slight advantage," Leliana says. She jerks her head towards the cells after closing the door behind her. "It says Corypheus is, as a matter of fact, looking for another Archdemon. Looking. He hasn't found it, but he's close. That's why we dreamed if it. So no Blight."

I give a sigh of relief. "Thank the Maker."

"The hurlock also said that they used an entrance to the Deep Roads that you know of. I'd assume it's that one you and Aedan first saw his dragon in?"

"Only one I can think of."

"And that's where the good news stops," Leliana says, shaking her head. "Corypheus has managed to wake the Archdemon before they found it. So...if we do find it while we're down there, one of the four of us is going to die."

"Me," I say sternly, crossing my arms. "Just as before, I'll do it."

Leliana ignores the statement. I get the feeling she has the same plan in mind as I do. "Flemeth was there with Corypheus just as you said. She did give him Theorn's friend, but she hasn't left. Not yet. It says she's still there."

"Less walking for us."

"And, probably the worst part, Corypheus is expecting you. He wants you to go for some reason. The darkspawn had orders to capture you and kill the three who helped you defeat the Blight," Leliana says. "So going is likely not a good plan, but we both know you'll go regardless."

I snort indignantly. "And I suppose this is the time you try to dissuade me?"

Leliana raises an eyebrow. "Why would I do that? I might not want you to go, but I don't want Aedan to go, or Alistair, or any of us, Morrigan included. We could all be going to our deaths, but we're doing what the Maker asks, so I won't say a thing. After all, if you, His Agent, don't go, then what is the point of going myself? Or asking the man I love to go? No, telling you to stay behind is foolish. Alistair will try regardless because he loves you. That's enough. You don't need me to tell you that you're probably walking into a trap; you may lack common sense, but you're not stupid."

"Oh, gee. Thanks, Leliana. You're a great friend."

She shrugs. "I wouldn't say it if it weren't true, Elissa. Nobody is perfect. Your flaw is your lack of common sense."

"And yours is your undying faithfulness to the Maker."

"It could be worse."

"You could have an obsession with cheese."

"Or an obsession with bitch slapping Archdemons."

We both start laughing. Poor guys, not here to defend themselves. It's not like they don't make jokes about us behind our backs, and it's not as if Leliana and I are serious. But when you could be walking to your death, jokes do a lot to alleviate the mood.

"So we're leaving?" Leliana asks.

I nod, swallowing deeply. "Yes, as soon as I tell Eamon he can do whatever he wants with that hurlock."

"I'll meet you down in Redcliffe, then."

We set out from Redcliffe with more potions than anything. Leliana and I can hunt if we need food, and with where we're going, that'll be more useful than wasting space in our packs on food. Morrigan, Theorn, and I only have so much mana between us, and I'm the only one that can fight without magic. Carrying lyrium and healing potions is wiser. We're planning a trek into the Deep Roads to chase down an ancient darkspawn magister and his dragon, possibly an Archdemon, and an elven god. I'd rather worry about getting out of there alive than eating.

"You still know your way around the Wilds?" I ask, falling back to Morrigan's side.

"You doubt me?" She glares, gold eyes blazing, but I only shrug.

"How long has it been since you were last in the Wilds exactly? Five years?"

She chuckles, the sudden change in temperament frightening. "Fine, Elissa. Fair point." She looks up and back down before continuing. "Yes. I am fairly certain I can get us through the Wilds with little trouble as long as you and Aedan lead us to the ruins we're looking for."

"Good," I say. "Glad to hear it."

"I...I am unsure of what you mean," Morrigan says. "Did you mean you are glad to have a clear path to death? Or just glad to know I haven't forgotten everything?"

"There has to be a second meaning to everything I say?" I raise an eyebrow. "Do you think I want to die, Morrigan? Of course not. I didn't survive killing the Archdemon for nothing. I just want to do what's right and get rid of Corypheus before he can-" I cut myself off. No, I shouldn't tell them what I know. I may tell Morrigan, or I wouldn't be so reluctant, if Leliana wasn't here. If I say anything about what Corypheus will end up doing, Leliana will remain adamant about keeping Justinia out of Haven.

Aren't we going to try and change what the Maker has planned though? Isn't that what we're doing right now?

"I just want to keep my promise to Theorn and save his friend," I say, deciding that's the safer answer. "If I die to prevent another Blight, then so be it. If I die fighting Corypheus, then I die. Thedas won't miss me. I'm nothing but an issue waiting to be resolved."

"Andraste would've felt the same at first," Talith says.

"He has a point," Theorn says.

"So...Alistair's going to put my sister to the stake basically?" Aedan snaps. "Both of you, shut up."

"I'm obviously going to put Elissa on a stake and let someone set her on fire," Alistair says sarcastically. "It's not like she has a spirit that could bite my head off at any second."

"Because I'd let Hope do that to you."

"You almost let her do that to me in Fort Drakon," Leliana says.

I roll my eyes. "It's amazing how much faith you guys show in me. Thanks, so much."

"Can we all just stop acting like Elissa's going to die?" Alistair says. "I think we'd all feel a bit better if we did that. Yeah? Yeah. So cut it out."

I'm drawn back to a conversation I had with Leliana just after the Blight ended, while the guys were off chasing darkspawn around Denerim. I told her the biggest secret I've ever had, and told her she'd forget until it was too late. It seems I was right. Leliana has forgotten, or she chooses to believe I'm wrong. Either way, she can't stop the inevitable.

I was born to die, and die I will. My life is almost a mirror to Andraste's.

I just hope that when I march down there, I won't. The Guardian told me I had to protect Hawke, and eventually, the Herald of Andraste. The Herald of Andraste is still a teenager from what I understand, wondering around the Free Marches with his clan. If that's any indicator, I'll walk away from this alive, but I could very well end up losing one of the other three Wardens here. Corypheus has it out for Aedan, Alistair, Cyrus, and me, but I know as soon as he sees Leliana, he'll have it out for her too. She's an Agent, and now, a Warden. She was there when the Blight ended. He wants those of us that were there dead in some stupid revenge scheme the darkspawn have fallen into. If he wants to kill the Agents of the Maker before they can do anything, he'll have his chance within the next week.

"Remind me again why we're going to Lothering when we could just walk into the Wilds," Leliana says.

"It's easier to get into the forest from there, and the ruins are close to Ostagar," Aedan says.

I suspect she's asking because she doesn't want to go back to a place that she once called home only to see it taken by the Blight. I've heard that the land is uninhabitable, and will remain that way for years to come, because of how long the horde stayed camped there. I don't want to go to Lothering either, but for reasons of my own. It reminds me of the people Loghain cost us, of the people that might still be alive today if he'd just stuck to the plan. Of course, if he'd just stuck to the plan, my father would probably still be alive, Aedan and I wouldn't be Grey Wardens, and both of us would have missed the people we love. The Blight was a strangely grotesque blessing in disguise.

I hate to think of it that way. The four of us...we're the only people in Ferelden that can say they gained something from the Blight.

I take my place in the front of the party, falling in beside Alistair. He offers a reassuring smile in my direction, but I don't return it. I don't have it in me to lie. Not anymore. Everybody here knows I'm losing my mind slowly but surely, and only Leliana knows the full extent of the problem. I planned on telling Alistair, but I wouldn't even know how to begin.

One of these days, I'm going to snap and just let rip.

Now's my chance. If I want to tell him about Hope and that demon, I should do it now. We're on watch duty together. This'll most likely be the only time I get Alistair alone until we're done with Corypheus and Flemeth.

"I need to talk to you," I say.

Alistair is sitting across the fire from me, poking at it with a stick, but he looks up at the sound of my voice, obviously more relieved for me to talk than he is willing to let on. We've barely even looked at each other in weeks and it hurts, but that's how it is. "About what?"

"Something that happened in Denerim."

"Oh," he says. Not what he was after. But then...? "What is it?"

"I...I don't know how to tell you," I say, feeling defeated. I look away from him, suddenly unable to make eye contact, and find the dirt extremely interesting. "It's just...you're a Templar. Were a Templar. You know that being in the physical world is bad for spirits, right?"

"I do."

"And I told you about Anders' problem? How Justice is splitting into Vengeance?" I force myself to look up and barely catch his nod. "Hope...she's...she's doing something similar. She's splitting into Despair or Fear or something, but she's breaking. She's losing control over herself and there's nothing I can do to stop it." I hide my face in my hands, shuddering as I sigh. "Alistair, I have no idea what to do anymore. I'm terrified because I can't stop what's happening. I'm terrified of what Hope could turn me into. If Justice does that to Anders, imagine what Hope could do to me! Justice and Hope are the equivalent of a puddle and an ocean. I...I just...I just can't keep up with it anymore."

I'm not sure when he came to sit beside me, but he's here now, holding me against his chest. "You'll be fine, Liss. You're stronger than Anders is. You'll figure something out. I believe you will." I throw my arms around him and pull myself closer. I feel like the world is falling apart around me again, something I felt constantly during the Blight. And, just as before, Alistair is the only solid thing in my life. The past few weeks have been hell for the both of us. Between putting up with the Orlesians and having to keep an arm's distance, I'm breaking. Alistair was the only thing that kept me from going insane during the Blight. He was the one good thing that came of it, and now, when I need him the most, I've been distancing myself more and more. I need him to lie and tell me everything will work out in the end, that I'll be safe and that he will too. I live off those lies. Coming from myself, they mean nothing. But coming from him? They mean everything. I trick myself into believing it when he says it. It seems easier to believe when he says we'll be safe. If he thinks so, why wouldn't I?

Because I know better.

"I'm sorry," I say. "So sorry. For everything."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Alistair says. "I'm here for you, as always. No matter what happens."

"But...I've been ignoring you. I've hardly talked to you and-"

"I haven't made an effort to change that though, now have I? You have more important things to worry and fuss over than me, and I'm fine with that as long as you don't completely forget about me. I don't know what you're going through, but the least I can do is give you your space to do it."

"It's not fair to you. You've been the only person that has my back, and I just ignore you. I hate it! All I want to do is sit with you for once, be able to talk about something other than the hell we're living in, to just...be with you, but I can't! I'm forced to do something else and leave you hanging. It kills me to do that."

"There will be a 'later' this time, Liss. When this is over, we'll be able to do just that." He rests his forehead on the top of my head, saying, "Don't think for a minute that I want you to go away or stop talking to me. I don't, but we don't have time for anything more intimate than a smile or a quick kiss on the cheek. Seeing you smiling and talking with the others is good enough for me. I want to spend time with you too, but we can't afford it."

"I hate it being this way."

Alistair sighs. "Me too, Liss. Me too."

We stop talking, but I don't let go of him, and he doesn't let go of me. I take comfort in the feeling of his arms around my shoulders, allowing myself to be sucked into the foolish feeling of safety they bring. His embrace is warm and strong, and that's all I want. I just want someone to hold onto and someone to be held by. I couldn't ask for a better person for it either. Alistair is the best man I've met in my entire life.

"Don't let go," I whisper.

"Never."

I smile into his chest. I don't need to say it to him for him to know I love him. He doesn't need to say it to me. I might not understand why (still) but I know he loves me. Alistair isn't the kind of man to play with someone's feelings.

I feel the heartache ebbing away in my chest, but I know the moment we pack up camp in the morning that it will be back. The void that only he fills will be empty and we'll stay at a professional distance until it's appropriate. I tell myself that if Aedan and Leliana can do it, and Morrigan and Talith, then we can too. What I don't understand is how they manage to keep the hurt from their faces during the day. It's too difficult for me. Whenever I look at Alistair, I ache for him. I ache to be in his arms every minute of everyday. I ache for the comfort he gives, and for the pointless bliss his smiles bring.

Leliana was right. I need to spend more of what little free time I get with him. He's what holds me together. He's the one thing I have to keep living for.

I just wish I knew how to stay alive.

All too soon, Theorn and Morrigan are relieving us for the night, and we wander back to our tent wordlessly. He crawls onto the blankets behind me and wraps his arm around my waist, pulling my back to his chest.

It's surprisingly easier to fall asleep this way.

That doesn't mean the sleep will be any better than it usually is. If anything, the nightmares are worse tonight. I don't remember any of them by the time it comes to get up and get moving, but I remember the heart-wrenching fear, and the numerous times I woke the night before. It's all I can think about as I shovel in a quick and unsatisfying breakfast. Leliana doesn't look happy with the food we get either. The thought of it actually makes me smile. I remember how Aedan and I were like that when we first joined the Wardens. Nothing was good enough, and there was never enough of it anyway.

"Time to get moving," Aedan says. "Let's get to Lothering by Friday if we can. That gives us another two days." He looks to me. "That okay with you?"

"Yeah, that's fine. Long as we don't rush through the Wilds afterwards. I want to be careful about this. Who knows what Corypheus has in store in that forest?"

We're about to find out, aren't we?