AUTHORS NOTE: Guys, I´m back! After not uploading for a whole... Gasps, Two days!
Did you miss me?
Sorry for repeating so much dialogue, but I just wanted to give Tsunade's point of view in all this, and these conversations were a pretty big deal to the story…
Tried to stick to the layout plan, but I find it kinda difficult, let me know if I did okay, please.
Maybe with a little more encouragement I'll grow more comfortable with this way of spacing things…
(Again, thanks AnimePop31)
Oh and, this whole change of perspective, including more characters… That was planned :P
Not because you praised me on using more characters, just wanted to let you know, Anime! xD
Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives
Chapter 35: A Day In The Life Of A Busy Hokage
XOXOX
Tsunade rummaged through the kitchen, What a dump, where's the bloody sake? Doesn't this guy ever drink? She sighted. Probably not. Bottled up feelings and such. She drank to let those feelings out, which was probably the exact reason why Kakashi didn't have any alcohol in his place. I'll go check on the patient, then.
XOXOX
As she walked into the bedroom, Tsunade thought If looks could kill, I'd be a pile of ashes right about now…
Regardless, she kept her tone light and warm, years of experience in the medical field had prepared her for such situations, "Ah… Good, you're awake. I wasn't sure if I hadn't accidentally overdosed you"
The man on the bed groaned something, he probably thought he sounded a lot clearer than he actually did, but again, Tsunade's experience came to her rescue; This was the questions they always asked, after all.
"Still groggy, I see. Yes, well, I tried to sedate you, but there was no effect; so I upped the dose," She hesitated but a moment, "About three times…"
"What happened?" He's recovering from the sedative in a rapid pace… That's good, I suppose, but now what? You don't tell someone who's just had a mental breakdown that they did just that.
But this is Kakashi. The man seems to have this amazing resilience, not to mention the eerie ability to change 'back to normal' right in front of you eyes… Shikaku said that he never wanted to see that happen again, I think… I think I might agree with him…
But, back to the task at hand here.
"You had a nervous breakdown in my office, Kakashi. Shikaku explained that was the reason you were late in the first place, and here we are"
"So you sedated me and tied me up on my own bed? Lady Hokage, I never knew you had a kinky side," Watching the still groggy man's attempt at a naughty smile proved to be too funny, soon enough Tsunade found herself wiping away tears of laughter, while the other chuckled as well.
Somehow, he'll be all right again. And until that time comes we will watch over him. Shikaku and me.
"Where's Shikamaru?" Out of the blue, the jounin was completely serious again, demanding an answer.
"Shikamaru? Why do you ask?"
"He's my friend, he'll be worried if he doesn't hear from me after… How long has it been?" He was looking anxious, and Tsunade instantly understood.
"About a day. It's starting to get dark out again," She paused for a moment, checking her theory over one more time, "Do you want me to get Shikamaru?"
"Please, and if you could untie me, I'd be forever in your debt"
The kunoichi smiled at him, "I think you already are. But I'm not leaving you alone, untied, in your own house. I found twelve kunai already. No to mention about twenty senbon and a colorful assortment of other handy, sharp objects. I'll untie you before Shikamaru comes in, but not a minute sooner."
"Fine," He all but huffed, "Then, since you won't untie me, could you get me something from the store?"
Is he embarrassed to ask something so simple of me? Sure looks like it… "What do you need, Kakashi? I'll be glad to help," She smiled at him, trying to comfort the young man.
"Could you," He licked his lips, she could see it through the mask. Nervous habit? "Could you please get me some cigarettes?"
"Cigarettes?!" The blonde wasn't sure what kind of requests she'd been expecting, but definitely not this one.
"Yeah… I…" He licked his lips again. Maybe he's just thirsty, though.
"It's a stress-release… You're afraid I'll hurt myself, I get that, but… I just want smoke, Tsunade…"
"All right… I'll get them for you. Just this once, though!" She warned, watching the jounin nod before she left the room.
Suddenly though, she remembered something, "Oh, I almost forgot," She popped her head back in. "This was on the floor by the door when we came in, looks like it was shoved under your door," She handed him a piece of paper, "You better be extremely careful with that, Kakashi. Those things are rare. I'll go get Shikamaru now, there's water next to the bed, I made sure you could reach it."
"Thanks…"
XOXOX
The cool night air brushed against Tsunade's face as she exited Kakashi's apartment.
Cigarettes, the man want cigarettes! It's bad enough I have one chain-smoking shinobi… Although he said he only smokes when he's stressed out… Which would probably account for the fact that I've never seen the man a single fag before; he needs them for stress-relief.
I know a thing or two about that… Even though I can't even begin to imagine everything he's gone through, I have to admit his stress levels seem to be through the roof right now. Bloody whores, eh? Whatever drove him to that point we may never know… But I sure as hell will do everything I can to help him now.
She flagged a storeowner that was about to close up, the man couldn't very well deny the Hogake so he grudgingly let her in. Let's see… So many different brands! I forgot to ask which one… Oh well…
"Just give me all the cigarettes you've got, please."
"But Milady! New supplies won't come in for another three days…!"
"I'm paying for them, aren't I?" Suddenly, Tsunade realized she might be acting a little irrational right now, the man needed to be able to supply to his customers after all. It would be pretty bad if he lost customers because of her… "You know what, just keep some for your other customers, but I want the rest," She pulled a storage scroll out of her sleeve and began making the signs, "Also… Some matches please… Plenty of them"
"Yes, ma'am!" The man probably wasn't used to selling large quantities of anything; just a simple corner store in one of the older neighborhoods in Konoha. He'd probably never even seen her up close…
Leaving the store, Tsunade's mind returned to her previous contemplations.
I've always believed Konoha to be a pretty open-minded village, but apparently I missed a couple things… If Kakashi hadn't felt the need to hide his true self the way he did, then none of this would've happened…
XOXOX
The Nara complex was just up ahead, so she decided to put these thoughts out of her mind for now, and instead focus on finding Shikamaru.
He proved to be an easy man to find, sitting on the steps of his front porch. Tsunade walked up to him.
She called his name as softly as she could, trying not to startle the young man who's mind seemed to be a million miles away, "Kakashi wants to see you. I take it your father told you some about what happened last night? "
The young Nara nodded, "He said Kakashi had a nervous breakdown, due to the fact he's been living a double life all these years. Said the man was saying things I don't have the proper clearance to hear, but that he couldn't seem to be able to stop. Or so I was told… But dad also said he's ask Kakashi if he wanted to see me once he felt a bit better."
So Shikaku is also aware of the close relation between the two. Not that it should surprise me.
But why would Shikaku lie to his own son? This kid had got to be one of the most brilliant minds I've ever met, what could he possibly have hoped to gain from lying to him?
"You don't believe him?" She quirked an eyebrow before moving to sit next to the young man, this could prove to be interesting…
"No, not really. I do believe Kakashi broke down; I should've seen it coming. But I highly doubt that I can't see him because him spewing classified intell. Dad knows I'm not the kind of guy that pays attention to something like that. He should've realized that bullshit wouldn't work on me"
That's what I thought… I probably would have told him that his friend just wasn't up to having visitors yet… But Shikaku never does anything without a reason. I'll ask him about it later.
But right now, I think this brat deserves the truth, besides, if I don't tell him I'm sure Kakashi will. I'd rather do it myself and be able to gauge his reaction. He probably thinks no-one can see through that mask of his, well I'm not going to burst that bubble- it's way too useful.
"You're right. Kakashi was muttering endlessly, though, it wasn't so much classified information as… Personal"
"I'm his friend!"
Tsunade suppressed a smirk, You sure are… The only person he wants to see right now. But I can't let you near him unless you understand this, brat!
"I know. Which is why I'm telling you this. Now listen.
Often times when a person is in acute psychological distress their mind returns to a specific time in their lives. Those can either be happy memories- creating an escape- or… Worse.
Kakashi seemed to return to a place of intense pain. Now, I haven't really had the chance to speak with him yet, so I don't know any details about these memories. But from what we could hear…
Both your father and I managed to decipher some of it, and they weren't the kind of things anyone should hear. Especially his friends.
Do you understand that, Shikamaru?"
She noticed the boy's frown, and the fact that it took him a long time to reply, Was it too difficult for him? No. I imagine he's just too worried about his friend to properly focus right now.
"Are you saying that the man should just keep everything bottled up? 'Cause that seemed to be doing him a hell of a lot of good last time around."
He sounded upset, angry even. The tone drew out a weary smile from the medic; ; "No, I really don't think he should bottle anything up at this point. But there's talking to someone and overhearing them mutter the same words over and over. It was… distressing. For both Shikaku and me."
I hope he can process that. It's a lot to take in, isn't it? Your best friend breaking down and then muttering things to himself that can even upset people like your father and a legendary medical ninja.
I'll give him some time… He needs to understand this.
It took Shikamaru a long time before he spoke again, carefully choosing his words; "So I wasn't allowed to see him before because Kakashi was apparently rambling about things I shouldn't hear… But now you're here, at his request…
Does that mean you want to forbid me from talking to him about what happened?"
It would be nice if I could do that, if I could somehow convince the man to talk to me instead… But it seems that you're the one he chose to speak to. I suppose I should just be glad there's someone Kakashi feels he can talk to…
"No. I know you two have become close in the last few weeks, and the last thing I want to do at this point is to strain that relationship. You seem to be the only person who manages to make Kakashi speak freely and I already told you, I think he needs to talk about it.
But I do want you to be careful. Don't push him into talking about… Anything really… Just… Try to be as gentle as you can be."
That's all I can really say about it. The kid hasn't had any training in dealing with mental stress, but he's a smart one, I just have to believe in him.
The kid in question had turned his gaze toward the stars, he didn't even look in her direction as he spoke; "I won't. I know how it feels to be in his position; he never pushed me either. People should be allowed to share things on their own time, not because someone else is pushing them"
What the hell do these two talk about? Is Shikamaru in some sort of trouble too? How do I never seem to notice these things?! Grr… It's the paperwork, I swear, if I could just- No. I just need to work harder…
"What?" The young voice held mountains of frustration, making him almost sound… older.
Oh boy, that's the sound of annoyance… How long have I been staring off, then? Ah, but I might as well try to get some answers, right?
"I'm sorry, I guess I was just wondering how you two became so close, anyway. As far as I know, you've never really talked much until recently and now all of the sudden you're best buds"
"I suppose…" Looking back up at the stars the Nara sighted, "I guess it's because he realized what was going on before I even knew I needed a friend…" He stopped talking, making Tsunade wonder what else he'd planned on saying.
Wait a minute… Could it be?
"Shikamaru," He tentative voice was soft, "Are you trying to tell me… Do you like men, Shikamaru?"
It seemed her question had startled the young Nara, Tsunade wanted to punch herself in the gut for putting him in this position. If it was true, that meant she'd just pushed him – right after the both of them agreeing that pushing someone was a bad way to deal with sensitive problems! And if it wasn't true… It could also embarrass the young man that she would think that. Successfully creating another reason to never tell her anything.
But eventually the young man replied. In a groaning, quiet voice as if it hurt him; "Asuma"
Oh… Poor kid. That's… just… Did Kakashi realize this? Was this the last straw for him? I can certainly imagine. The poor boy, bad enough to realize you're gay in a place where it's – apparently – a complete no-go, but to then fall for one of your best friends, who's also your sensei. Who has had a relationship with the same woman for years…
"That's gotta be rough." Her voice didn't come out right, didn't say everything she'd meant to say. Like how immensely sorry she felt for him, or how she wished there was something, anything she could do for him.
"Yeah… I think I disgust him now. But Kakashi was there for me, and I'd like to be there for him," Suddenly, the boy got up from his spot on the porch. It was a clear sign he didn't want to talk about this anymore. She couldn't blame him, realizing just how hard telling her must've been for him.
XOXOX
Walking back through town with the young man beside her, Tsunade couldn't help but think about what she'd just heard. Combining it with the knowledge she'd obtained over the last twenty-four hours.
So Shikamaru too, eh? I wonder how many more. How many people in this village are hiding their sexuality because they think they won't be accepted if they come out?
This has to change.
"Shikamaru?"
"Yeah?" He's keeping his eyes on the road ahead, is he afraid to face me now that I know?
"I was just wondering… Have you talked to people about-…"
"I know what you mean. No, not really. Haven't even thought about it yet. I used to think I was the only one, like there was something wrong with me or something. Until Kakashi interfered. He's the one that talked me into telling my dad; although dad doesn't know about Asuma. And I don't want him to ever find out. I haven't really thought beyond that yet."
Kakashi talked you into talking to Shikaku? Now that's unexpected… But, wait, something about this is bugging me… "Earlier you seemed to say that you've spoken to Asuma as well, is that true?"
"Yeah. Didn't go well. Don't want to talk about it."
Well that was undeniably clear… "Got it."
They'd reached Kakashi's apartment complex at this point, so rather than continue this conversation - that would probably end up being an argument pretty soon. She started walking up the stairs.
XOXOX
"Wait here," Tsunade brushed passed the Nara in the narrow hallway, stepping into the jounin's bedroom and closing the door behind her.
"You know, you really don't have to tie me up like this. I'm not a danger to myself or anyone else…"
The blonde sighted, wiping a hand over weary eyes, "You say that, but I've got no proof of the matter. Anyway, I brought Shikamaru with me, and also your cigarettes." She went to work on undoing the straps that held the silver-haired man secure, noticing the slight widening of his grey eye as he whispered a thank-you.
"Surprised?" Tsunade cocked her head as she looked at her patient, she honestly had not expected him to be so grateful. The thank-you wasn't said as an obligation; it had a lot more weight than that.
"I am. You did seem pretty reluctend"
She sighted again, "I still am, Kakashi, but if they help you relax I guess it's worth it. Just don't turn into Asuma"
She quickly folded the leather straps, laying them on the chair. Pulling the storage scroll out of her sleeve she dumped the cigarettes on his desk, sealing the straps inside the scroll instead.
Kakashi had gotten up, now, sitting on the edge of his bed. She tossed him a pack and the matches she'd bought, "Need anything else?"
"No, I'm good, thanks,"
Throwing one more look at the jounin on the bed, she opened the door, "I'll leave you two alone, then."
Then, looking at the boy in the hallway, "Just don't go off before someone else gets here, I don't want to leave him alone right now," Tsunade waited for the boy to agree before leaving the apartment.
Standing outside the apartment once more, Tsunade shivered. It's getting cold out… Man, I need a drink!
And so, the Hokage ended up in her favorite bar.
XOXOX
It had been… Hours, probably, when her drinking was interrupted by Shikaku.
"Lady Hokage, did you take the sealing scroll with you? I didn't see it over there."
"What? Oh, Shikaku. I… think I did? Lemme check," Feeling inside her sleeve she pulled the little scroll out with a triumphant 'Here it is!'
"Good. I believe my son is still with him, but it's getting late and the boy has had no sleep last night. So I'd like to take the scroll with me if that's all right with you."
"Hmmm…" Tsunade downed the last of her sake, "I'll go. I want to see how he's doing anyway."
The jouin commander nodded, "Very well. I'll be at home then, unless there is anything else you require?"
She smiled, "I'm good. I'll sent Shikamaru home as soon as I get there."
"Thank you."
XOXOX
Letting herself into Kakashi's apartment, Tsunade was surprised how quiet the place was. She'd imagined hearing voices, though she had no idea what they would talk about.
Part of her had hoped to listen in on their conversation for a little while as a way to obtain information on how the special jounin was doing. Knowing full well that if she were to simply ask, she would probably just be brushed off.
But the lack of voices was also disturbing in another way; there was no way of knowing if Shikamaru was still here, of if Kakashi had done something to himself, or-
She quickly stepped into the bedroom, not wanting to think about it anymore.
"Shikamaru? Where's Kakashi?"
"Taking a shower, you didn't think I was gonna follow him in there, did you?"
I checked the bathroom at least a dozen times today, there shouldn't be any weapons left there… But the guy is so damned inventive! I even found a kunai in the shower drain, so what if I missed something? No, I can't. But just to be sure, I'll sent Shikamaru home like I promised his father and then go and check.
"Shikamaru-"
"Hokage-" They looked at each other in surprise before the shadow-user nodded; "You first"
"I think you should go now. I'm actually surprised you're still here at this point, but I'm happy to see you've kept your promise and haven't left him alone. But you should go get some rest, now. I'll take over."
"Are you going to tie me up again, Tsunade?"
Kakashi's voice startled her; his appearance only made matters worse. I realize this is his own house, and he could walk around naked for all I care, but doesn't this guy comprehend there's a minor in here, too?!
A quick glance at the minor in question taught her that Shikamaru was blushing at the sight of his half-naked sempai. Just great… And Kakashi doesn't even notice of course!
"Look," Shikamaru spoke up unexpectedly, "I'm gonna stay the night here, don't worry Lady Hokage, I won't let him do anything to hurt himself. There's no need to tie him up, if this somehow does get out of hand, I still have my shadows"
I guess that sounds like a plan…Even if the brat isn't as well-trained as Shikaku, he's still pretty damn good…
A soft, flopping sound made her look up. Kakasi's face seemed be having a hard time deciding between going pale and turning red as he spoke up; "Shadows?! Hurt myself?!" His voice had a very particular strain to it, the pain she could hear in it reminded the Hokage of last night.
"Shikamaru, who do you think I am? I'm not some broken teenager that needs to be restrained, I'm just…"
Tsunade saw the young shadow-user wince at the word 'teenager', feeling pride well up in her chest as the boy obviously shoved the pain aside to reassure his friend.
"I know that, it's the Hokage that seems to have forgotten. There's no way I think you're actually going to do something like that, but my mom taught me that the woman is always right, even when they're wrong."
Good woman, that Yoshino. Although I should probably throw a fit at this point… There's no way talk like that is acceptable, but honestly I'm just really glad he believes in the man so much. Having someone believe in you like that is always the first step in recovering from severe psychological distress.
However… I guess it's time for Tsunade's temper to shine!
"You two are just- Ugh! Fine! Have it your way! Anything else you need before I let you enjoy your peaceful little night together?" Part of it was meant as a provocation, along with her attitude.
If they were doing – inappropriate – things together, she would figure it out now. Looking back and forth between the two men she found no such evidence, their words a testament to the same fact:
"Cigarettes-"
"Food would be nice-"
What?! More fags? Is this guy eating them for lack of food, or something? But it's good to hear him laugh again, to hear these two friends laugh together.
As she left the apartment, Tsunade made sure her muttered complaint would be heard, but really, she was just happy.
Glad to see improvement, to see something good come out of the last twenty-four hours.