Unequally Rational and Emotional

by OverMaster

A retelling of the Mahou Sensei Negima storyline with some major changes. The young Negi Springfield is assigned to live with two of his students... Hasegawa Chisame and Hakase Satomi. Rated M for some future chapters.

38. Lesson 32: The Scoop Chase

Who is Who in the disguised Ala Alba:

Asuna= Kanda Akemi

Chisame= Shimura Yumi

Haruna= Ishige Sawa

….

Unequally Rational and Emotional

by OverMaster

Lesson 32: "The Scoop Chase" or "Much Ado About Konoka"

Disclaimer: Mahou Sensei Negima and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Akamatsu Ken, and the authors of this humble piece has made no material profit from it, and never will do. Woe is me!

Ah my Goddess! and all its characters were created by and are the property of Fujishima Kosuke.

Mai Hime and all its characters belong to Sunrise.

Fate/Kaleid Liner Prisma Illya is written by Hiroyama Hiroshi, and owned by Type-Moon.

Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi.

Batman and all related characters and elements belong to DC Comics.

All other characters mentioned also belong to their respective copyright holders.

Unequally Rational and Emotional created by OverMaster.

The 2814-series created by Shadow Crystal Mage.

Warning: this fic contains unholy levels of crack, crossovers, awesome, madness, crossdressing and slight amounts of cake. SOME PARTS WILL BE IN THE TRADITIONAL SPEAKING VOICE OF CANTERLOT!

Recap!

Dan da da dandan da dan!

Previously, On Unequally Rational and Emotional:

Kuro: When we last left our heroes, Ala Alba had been divided by the new legislation passed by Queen Arika requiring all superheroes to be officially registered with the government!

Arika: I had? I thought I was dead.

Lina Inverse: So did I. I went through character development because of you…

Misora: Hey, how come you rate your last name being shown?-!

Kuro: Unable to agree whether to follow the law or not, our heroes are plunged into Civil War! The North and the South battle for dominance, and Abraham Lincoln is nearly murdered by the steampunk cyborg John Wilkes Chachamaru, only to be saved by the timely intervention of Batman!

Batman: Don't drag me into this…

Kuro: Using his vampire-slaying skills, Lincoln was able to take down the Cyborg, only to be savagely killed by all the readers who just realized LINCOLN KILLED CHACHAMARU, THE BASTARD!

Senou Kaede: OUR RAGE SHALL NOT BE DENIED!

Chisame: Okay, now this is just fucking nuts.

Calculator: now you know how we ALL feel ALL THE TIME!

Kuro: Meanwhile, Asuna makes a deal with a devil, sacrificing her marriage, history, and unborn child with Mary Jane to save Harry Dresden from a mere gunshot wound, never mind there are dozens of ways to fix that, she has at least 3 gods who owe her a favor, an X-man she teamed up with a free issues ago EXPLICITLY has HEAL ANYTHING as his power, and has Konoe "can heal anything short of chunky salsa" Konoka as a roommate, and was actually in the room while she was making the deal, repeatedly hitting her on the head with a bat to get her attention.

Quesada: no one is ever going to let that go, are they?

THE WHOLE WORLD: NO, YOU STUPID BASTARD!

Superboy-Prime: I'll kill you to death until you die from it!

Calculator: Cut out the author tract and get on with it'

Monty Python: get on with it!

Kuro: All right, all right… now, our heroes must rescue the kidnapped princess in a death-defying, budget-breaking fight scene as the Rakanator 3000 fights the Batserker Beyond! Find out what happens next on… UNEQUALLY RATIONAL AND EMOTIONAL!

Prologue: The Way We Used to Be

Ten Years Ago

The white haired toddler slept peacefully in her tiny bed as her mother wrote. The dusk fell quietly over Fuyuki City outside, in a way that promised nothing but pleasant moments and comforting relaxation.

Dear Ilyasviel

If you're reading this, then I'll have left you long ago. My family probably won't want you to read this, but I have given Sayoko-san precise instructions to keep this letter safe from them in the possible event of my disappearance.

She had known Shinozaki Sayoko for a relatively short while, but she was the only servant she felt like trusting now, after everything. Other than Saber, who wouldn't remain with them much longer, one way or another. She only hoped her instincts about her weren't wrong.

If you are reading this, odds are your father will have been taken away from you as well. But you'll never be alone, my dear child. I can guarantee, wherever you go, there always will be someone for you. Maybe it won't always seem that way, but as long as you keep on advancing, you'll always find a hand to pick you up along the road.

The young albino woman sighed to herself. She tapped on the paper with her pen a few times, trying to find the right words for the next part. Finally, she resumed writing.

A few years ago, I found such hands. Back when your father and I seemed to have lost it all, from my family's support to your father's drive to live. Your father is a man of very high ideals, but the higher those ideals are, the worse it feels when you fall from them. Then we were approached by a young couple looking for refuge from Mundus Magicus.

Nagi Springfield and his comrades had just stopped the deadly crisis near the Antarctic that mages believe to be an attempt by Heaven to eradicate mankind from the planet. However, he and his new wife were still on the run from the authorities that had branded her a criminal. She was believed dead by most people, but her secret had been found out by those who had ordered her execution three years prior. And he was a public hero, but heroes can be felled and tarnished as well, very quickly, by those in power. Like your father had learned.

Nagi and his wife were, other than your father, the most wonderful people I ever met. Just being around them gave you renewed desire to live, to fight, to prosper. While they took refuge in our home, your father recovered his old spirit, his will to battle for the world he used to believe in. He wanted to be a hero, and now he had met true heroes, the kind he only had dreamed about before. They both were larger than life, and yet, they were as human as us. That's what made them truly great.

She paused again, considering if she really should write the next part down. After a long silent pondering, she coughed and got back to writing.

I have just hesitated in writing this, but you have the right to know this, despite what my family may believe, Ilyasviel. Your father and me could never have children. We used to believe it was because of my… condition.

I hope you're mature enough by the time you read this. If you aren't yet, please hand this letter over to Sayoko right now and wait to reach the proper age. Please don't disappoint your mother.

She bit her lower lip, remembering all the nights of closeness, of friendship leading to thicker, gentler but eventually more painful links. She remembered her own surprise when the Princess had told her about the cult she once served for, when she was young and naive. The four of them had become all but one quickly, complementing each other in their own disparate ways. They often drove each other crazy, and those were the happy days, back when everything seemed possible and no plan for the future seemed too unlikely.

The Princess' dry realism was the anchor to the men's idealism, whether it was Nagi's feverish projects to save Mundus Magicus, or Kiritsugu's notions of imparting justice. Between them, Irisviel would always be the catalyst, the conduit, the linking core between them all. And she never felt as loved as then, neither before or after it.

Tears came to her eyes. She forced herself to keep on writing.

We reached a state where it didn't matter who was with who, because we all were together, and that was everything that mattered. No one owned anyone else, and yet, we all felt like we belonged to each other.

Then my family found out.

Since they surely would either be delivered or betrayed to their enemies before long, the Princess and her consort decided to leave before their downfall would bring ours as well. Despite your father's protests, it was decided it'd be for everyone's best. Nagi and his wife left back for Mundus Magicus, until an emergency at Istanbul forced Nagi to return to Earth, where he disappeared under mysterious circumstances. His wife, hounded by her pursuers after so many years, lost her life in a brave attempt to protect her newborn child, despite her appointed protectors' best efforts.

I never cried as much as I did when I learned that.

It was barely over a year since your birth.

My family assigned Kiritsugu to a special mission here in Japan, to fight in the Holy Grail War. Here, we have been assisted by Nagi's old comrade Konoe Eishun. The fights have been intense, but I feel confident we'll succeed. It is my hope you'll never have to read these lines.

But in case you are doing so, there's something you need to know.

Your little brother was saved by his mother's protectors and placed under the care of his paternal family in Wales. It's my wish for you to find and contact him someday, to tell him how much we loved both his parents. I also want you to always think of Kiritsugu as your father as well. Never, not even once, has he protested about such a role. And I know he's just as proud of you as I am. And just as much as your biological father would be.

We all love you, Ilyasviel.

Irisviel exhaled, wiping her eyes dry. She felt weak and dizzy now, but it surely was only the strain of the last few days. Yes, once they were done there, she'd only need some rest with Kiritsugu and Ilya, and—

Saber appeared on the doorstep dutifully.

"Master," the blond female said stoically. "It is time."

The young woman nodded and stood up, sealing the letter inside of the envelope and leaving it on the desk. "Of course, Saber. Please, lead the way."

Now. London

Berserker's huge shadow hid the little Master from Sayoko's sight as the maid entered the secret chamber.

Still, just by looking around a bit, Sayoko could see her young mistress sitting at the other side of the still standing giant.

"Oh, My Lady!" the woman sighed, relieved. "I was worried about—"

Then she saw the letter in Ilya's small hands. "Oh. Oh, you found it." Well shit.

"I haven't disappointed my mother," Ilya whispered.

"I beg your pardon?"

The child lifted her face up. "I was mature enough to read this. All of it."

Sayoko paused before nodding quietly. "Yes. Yes, you are," she lied for her master's sake.

Said master tightened a diminutive fist. "And I will find my little brother."

Then her true family would be somehow reunited, and things would be, at least to some degree, the way they used to be.

Chigusa vs. Negi.

A quick donning of robes later, the showdown continued as if nothing had happened.

"Give Konoka back!" Negi cried, taking advantage of his recent fast-casting training to aim his wand at the woman's face before she could attack. "LUX!"

A blinding burst of light bathed Chigusa's face, making her blink behind her thick glasses. That, coupled with the weight she was carrying and the thick, fluffy costume she wore, made her lose her balance momentarily, but she regained her footing just as quickly, grunting and countering with a few tossed charms that caught fire in midair.

Chisame had only caught a glimpse from behind the spell, but it still was enough to make her vision a little blurry for a few moments. She'd have to remember to chew Negi out for not telling her about that beforehand later, assuming they survived this. In any case, she kept enough eyesight to barely get out of the way of one of the small fireballs in time, as Negi quickly put them all out with a few well placed Limes Aeriales air barriers.

Curses! Chigusa thought. He's faster than I expected. Despite being his son, I wasn't expecting him to be so good, so young. Attacking him head-on might not be the best of ideas.

Instead, she opted to slam a few more charms against the floor and yell, "Charm-san! Charm-san! Suffocate the enemies of my cause!"

Immediately, a thick black smoke erupted from all parts of the wooden floor, exploding out from the planks, spreading very quickly. Chisame found her glasses fogged up in no time, and her lungs filling very fast, making her cough and choke. She felt Chao's arms circling her waist and pulling her to the door, where the gas was less concentrated, but she dug in her feet at the entrance, refusing to leave for good.

Negi coughed as well, then ducked when he felt an arm swinging for him. He wasn't really sure about how he had felt it— maybe this was those 'instincts he always read about?— but somehow, he could see better in the darkness now. Or at least make out the shapes between the clouds marginally better, although it hadn't all been because of his sight. He just had felt her, almost instinctively. He chalked it up to Erebus' advice on how to 'feel' the adversary by the subtle swooshes of the air caused by their motions, and kept on fighting.

He glimpsed Chigusa's left arm right above him, her hand holding a poison tipped dart. He grabbed her wrist, twisted it enough to make her yelp and drop the dart, and swung her against a wall as best as he could, trying not to hurt Konoka. It was difficult, because the monkey suit added a lot of extra weight. It also cushioned the impact, so Chigusa bounced back immediately, kicking Negi across the chest while reaching for more charms.

However, a moment later, she staggered forward when she was double kicked in the back. Now that the smoke had begun to dissipate, Chisame and Chao had jumped back into the room, and Chao's kick had been especially painful. Chigusa would have fallen whimpering and unable to move for hours if the suit hadn't absorbed most of the kick. "His Ministra, I suppose?" the woman growled. "Meddling kids…"

Still coughing himself, Batman had managed to squeeze a hand out of the weakening bonds, reaching for his utility belt.

Chisame grunted and grabbed Konoka's legs, trying to pull her out of the woman's grip. "Let her go, dammit…!" she clenched her teeth.

"Be careful, Chisame-san!" Negi warned, taking aim with his wand again, looking to incapacitate the enemy before any actual harm befell anyone. But then a few dozens of monkeys swarmed on him from all directions, chewing his arms, legs and robe. While he promptly shook them all off, the intruder managed to push Chisame back into Chao's arms, seething madly and scrambling for the window.

She could hear strong, hurrying steps down the hall, approaching. "We'll have to finish this another time, Negi Sprin—!" She finished the sentence with a yowl, as a Batarang hit her between the eyes, making several cracks on her glasses. She shot a final venomous glare at the just freed Bat-Man back on his feet, standing behind Negi and the girls. "You're all dead, mark my words! Dead!"

And she jumped out the window, still with her precious load in her arms.

"GAH!" Negi rushed ahead. "Konoka-san!

"SUICIDE?-!" Chisame screamed, panicking suddenly.

Then she saw the woman cackling her head off in fitting villainous fashion as she bounced onto the nearest rooftop with an agility unfitting her stupidly costumed figure.

"— I guess not," Chisame conceded, breathing only a bit easier.

And the chase began.

Arrival

Gotham City

It appeared in the sky without warning, at first looking like nothing but a very bright and unusually big star. Somehow, the satellites orbiting Earth never picked up on it, which would be a cause for concern later on, since it placed heavy doubts on their efficiency against possible alien invasions. The fact to be revealed later of it being a result of Kryptonian shielding wasn't much of a comfort.

It burned a fiery and fast streak down the atmosphere, plummeting down into the river.

"Holy Hercolubus! Did you see that?" the brightly colored suited young man swinging across buildings in the Financial District said, pointing at the distance.

"Oh, you mean the huge starship-shaped thing falling into the river? No, not really. " The young woman clad like a bat swinging behind him changed her route, now heading for the river. "Wanna go see if it's potentially radioactive, giving us long and painful deaths?"

"You mean going to see if there are innocents in danger from it."

"That too. Say, didn't you used to be the one doing the lame wisecrackings?"

"Bludhaven does that to people, Barbara… Besides, you're stealing my bits!"

Over at Metropolis, a certain mild mannered reporter had seen and heard the arrival across the whole distance. A brief excuse to his still-oblivious colleagues later, he rushed into a storage room, ripped his shirt open, and jumped out the window, up, up, and away.

Then he ran into the Weather Wizard robbing a bank, so that delayed him for a short while.

Two Setsunas, Twice the Fun!

Setsuna scowled deeply, managing to keep her personal feelings in check enough to sound convincingly cold and professional. "Let Konoka Ojou-sama go, Tsukuyomi," she commanded. "What you decided to do with your life isn't my business as long as you don't threaten her safety, so hand her over to me, and I'll allow you to escape."

The younger girl giggled. "For the old times' sake, ne, Oneesama? That's so sweet, but I'm afraid I can't take you up on that offer!"

"Reject it, and you'll regret it dearly," Setsuna promised.

Tsukuyomi feigned a sigh. "I always hated saying 'No' to you, Oneesama, but I really, really can't please you now. Not only do I not want to let Hime-sama go after so long without touching her, but I was also paid to deliver her, and a mercenary's word is their everything. So… No, I won't let her go. But you can come with me if you want! That way, you'll be together forever! And with me as a bonus!" she offered, extremely gleeful.

AngelGARd felt like vomiting. She tried not to tighten her grip on Yuunagi, keeping her hand relaxed but ready.

Setsuna stepped forward, breathing tensely. "My patience grows thin. Last chance."

Tsukuyomi licked her lips. "Let's make it one step better."

And she charged forward in a treacherous zig-zag. "Last dance!"

Sakurazaki gasped as Setsuna cursed and blocked the first short sword slashes with her own blade, falling back while Tsukuyomi giggled and kept on advancing, never dropping Konoka, who was held against her body by her other arm. That posture gave Setsuna more theoretical freedom of action, since both her hands were free, and she had no weight on her. But the mere possibility of hurting Konoka in any way with her counterattack held Setsuna back far more than it did for Tsukuyomi.

AngelGARd narrowed her eyes, hand hovering over her blade. There was no way in HELL she'd leave ANYONE alone with Tsukuyomi. Not all her bloodthirstiness and instability had come from wielding the Yoh Katana Hinata. She was also fast, not as fast as she'd been— will be?— in Mundus Magicus, but enough that AngelGARd resolved to see about getting her younger self some speed training. Still, if she thought holding Konoka-san hostage would deter attack, she had another thing coming.

Resolved, her hand closed on Yuunagi's grip… and hesitated, the name of her ultimate technique again making her pause to consider if she REALLY needed to use it.

Swords clanged against each other furiously, and Setsuna gritted her teeth. "You!" she told Sakurazaki without looking at her. "Go, we'll be fine here! Trust me! Go help your Ojou-sama!"

The other Setsuna started. "What?-!" Surely she wasn't serious!-?

"We'd only get in each other's way! Stop looking at me and let me fight with a clear mind!"

Sakurazaki made up her mind, turned, and melted into the darkness. Her other self was right; her Ojou-sama was her priority. And once upon a time, as much as she trusted Negi-sensei, Asuna and the others, she'd never slack off on her duties just because they were close.

She was past that now.

"Who was that? She looks nice," Tsukuyomi commented casually as she went for violent cuts that never managed to land, but came dangerously close. Setsuna noticed that, while she didn't seem to be going for outright lethal strikes, she'd be more than glad mutilating her or grievously injuring her. "A lot like you, actually! You think Daddy fooled around somewhere else, too?"

"Any sister would be better than you." Setsuna tried to keep her off her game while frantically thinking for a way to safely snatch Ojou-sama back.

Tsukuyomi pouted. "That's no way to treat your Imouto! These last few years without you have been so harsh and gray.. and you never came for me! Never looked for me! Never! Hime-sama, as always, never left you enough time for your own sister!" she accused, grinning maniacally as she did so.

"Surrender your blade, and I'll visit your cell periodically," Setsuna promised, blocking another slash going in a treacherous arc for her chest.

"I have a better idea," Tsukuyomi said. "Surrender to my blade, and I'll visit your gorgeous limbless stump's bed every night!"

Setsuna grunted. Trying to debate rationally would be even more useless now than it'd have been when they were children. Tsukuyomi had grown much worse than she had expected.

Setsuna and Tsukuyomi had reached almost a stalemate. They stepped away from each other, panting hard and regaining their breaths, measuring each other carefully.

"You haven't grown stale in your training, Oneesama…" the girl with glasses cooed.

"Neither have you," Setsuna had to admit. "Your skills have developed, although in a chaotic and undisciplined way."

Another giggle. "Well, you know how it is! The real world teaches differently than the Dojo! I learned more actually fighting for my life than I ever did with—"

Out of the darkness behind Tsukuyomi, blades began to hurl themselves at her back, to Setsuna's surprise. Tsukuyomi must have sensed her reaction to the unseen attack, because she darted sideways, turning Konoka towards them to act as a shield. Setsuna stared in horror as the blades flew unerringly— and suddenly veered, flying off at right angles. Setsuna barely managed to get over her surprise to realize Tsukuyomi had turned her flank to her, and pressed the attack. The younger girl barely managed to parry, at the cost of her frilly sleeve.

"Sica Shishikushiro!" a voice called out of the darkness, echoing weirdly and obscuring its source as more blades flew out from the night. "Limited Blade Works!"

They came at Tsukuyomi from all direction, above and below, and the startled loligoth suddenly found herself besieged, her moves switching to the defensive as she kicked further back from Setsuna to give herself room to parry. At first, she tried, to Setsuna's horror, to place Konoka in the path of the blades, forcing them to veer off— only for them to instantly correct their courses and aim for her again, this time from a closer, more awkward angle.

"Oneesama!" Tsukyomi whined childishly. "No fair!"

"Kobayashi!" she hissed, using Sakurazaki's assumed name. "I can handle this! I can protect Oujo-sama on my own!"

From behind her, a quiet voice said, "There are many kinds of rivers, and it is easy to be swept away…"

AngelGARd stepped out of the night behind Setsuna, holding a short blade with a red tassel. "I trust the others to protect Oujo-sama until I get back… and I'm not going back until you and she are safe. You don't know what this girl is capable of, Sakurazaki-san."

"I can handle her!" Setsuna snapped.

"Barely," AngelGARd agreed. "But not like this."

Tsukuyomi suddenly let loose an exulted cry as she broke brought the encompassing circle of blades, which had slowed fractionally as AngelGARD was drawn into conversation. "Oh, how rude! Talking about me behind my back, are we?" She charged for AngelGARd, blade outstretched, Konoka pointed at Setsuna to act as a shield. Setsuna instinctively stepped back, only to realize she wasn't the target.

AngelGARd reacted like lightning, the short blade in her hand beginning to curve in a complicated arc. Behind Tsukuyomi, the floating blades oriented on her and did the same.

"Zanganken Ni-no-Tachi!" AngelGARd snapped instinctively.

The short blade sliced the the air, and behind Tsukuyomi, all 15 blades did the same, the air tearing as a curved slash flew at Tsukuyomi. Tsukuyomi angled Konoka in front of her… only to barely dodge out of the way as the slash passed through her defense, cutting a few long strands of hair. The other fifteen slashes passed through her, eliciting startled cries of pain as thin paper cuts crisscrossed the flesh beneath her unmarked dress.

"Get her!" AngelGARd cried, and she and Setsuna suited actions to words.

Tsukuyomi's sword flashed. "Kyokudai Raimeiken!"

"Shundo!"

Setsuna felt the breath knocked out of her as she felt AngelGARd suddenly grab her midsection and pull her away at insane speed just as the area the latter had been standing in exploded in a grand-sized explosion of lightning.

When the smoke cleared, Tsukuyomi and Konoka stood alone and unharmed, the ground around them smoking from the strike. Tsukuyomi pouted. "Rats. Missed."

Then, a big monkey suited figure landed before her, holding a nude girl in her arms. "I got Ojou-sama!" she proclaimed grandly, holding her to be seen clearly under the silver moonlight.

Tsukuyomi blinked. "I— I got Ojou-sama too?" she offered lamely, holding up her own Konoka as well.

Chigusa stared, stupefied. "— Two?"

"— A good thing, I guess?" Tsukuyomi smiled.

Out of the night, Setsuna dashed in, going for the save. She didn't cry or scream, but still, Chigusa kept enough presence of mind to notice her in the nick of time. As she closed in, with AngelGARd coming out of nowhere to join her side with a cry of "OJOU-SAMA!", the woman swung a few charms into their path. "Charm-san, Charm-san! Destroy our enemies in a blaze of unholy glory!"

"LIMITED BLADE WORKS!"

Blades began cutting charms out of the air before they had a chance to activate.

Chigusa swore. "Plan B: run!"

Ichigo and Hiyori

After work hours, Ichigo had left back for home, but the annoying small girl with blond hair and freckles wouldn't stop following and pestering him, so he had to stop at a little park and sit down on a bench to listen to her.

"Well, what the hell do you want?" he asked, looking around to make sure there was no one in listening range. The whole area was pretty much dead with almost all the students on class trips.

"You don't think I came all the way here to this stinky world of meatbags just to see your ugly mug, do you?" the girl snorted back, looking away. "Your sisters were worried about you and asked me to check on you, that's all."

"Huh. And my old man?"

"Well, I guess so, yeah, but we know he'd never admit it. He just spends his time babbling and yelling about how much you've disappointed him when anyone brings up the topic."

Ichigo chuckled. "As expected from the old clown."

A second later, a sandal whacked him across the head. The small hand holding the sandal then hit him again. "As if you're any better! That's why you'll never make it to Lieutenant, Kurosaki! You've become the local laughingstock! Beaten by a simple Hollow! Forced to give your power to a lowly human! God, I feel weaker and dumber just by breathing the same air as you!"

He barked back on her face. "That was no normal Hollow! It'd have sliced you apart without even trying!"

"Well, yeah, tell that to everyone at home! Oh, I forgot, you can't because you can't even come back!" she shrilled. "Although maybe that's the best for you, since there's been talk of arresting you!"

Now that surprised him. "Arresting me?"

"What, you deaf too? You know it's against the rules, to empower humans without a permission! Several Captains are pushing to have you punished! Aizen-sama, Unohana-sama and Kyoraku-sama are trying to hold the tide back, but frankly, I don't know if even they can save you from the Dropping Soap routine!"

Ichigo sat back, his eyes slightly wide. "I see…"

Hiyori paused, grumbled, and punched him in an arm. "That's all? Don't fall down to pieces, dumbass! Be a man for once!"

"HEY! It's not like I'm whining and complaining about it, like some people I know!"

Again, a sandal to his head. "Don't shit me! I know that haunted stare you've got on now! You're crapping your pants, Kurosaki!"

"I'm not," he replied seriously. "Whatever will be, will be."

The petite girl scoffed, her tone barely any softer. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

"I won't. Thanks."

"I don't need your thanks."

"Whatever. Just… make sure anything that happens doesn't hurt Karin and Suzu, please."

Slowly, she nodded. "Fine. But only because it's them."

"That's enough for me," he said.

And there was a very long silence from both sides.

Finally, he spoke again. "Would they punish Rukia as well?"

"Nah, I don't think so. At most, they'll just depower her, maybe erase her memories, as long as she doesn't raise any shit. Why to care so much about a human, anyway?"

"Yeah. Why?" he mused, distant and grim, looking away into the horizon line.

Hiyori looked at him with analytical frustration before just whacking his head again, half-heartedly. "Dumbass."

Slowly, it started raining.

Bats About You.

"So, how were things on your side?" Tsukuyomi asked conversationally while holding her Konoka close against her.

Chigusa seemed to briefly shrug under the monkey suit. "Eh. It could have been worse. I met that Bat-Man the Americans make so much fuss about. Overrated, if you ask me. I also met the Thousand Master's son, that kid back there. He's got some good moves and tricks, but I could put him down for good if I didn't have to deliver Ojou-sama in time…"

The charm Chigusa had deployed to cover their escape had spawned a gigantic ink-like mass of a black, thick substance that grew spikes, tendrils and huge fanged mouths out of everywhere, surrounding Negi and company and attacking from all directions.

As they all disappeared from sight, enveloped in the hideous living darkness, Chigusa laughed in her sprint. "Hah! They'll never escape that with their—"

Sure enough, twin large sword slashes cut through the main part of the summoned abomination, the Setsunas running out at full speed after the kidnappers. "Waiiiii, Oneesama and her sexy friend are so cool…!" Tsukuyomi melted, looking back over her shoulder.

Then, another moment later, two bursts of lighting shredded even more of the monster. Negi, wand in hand, helped a grimacing Chisame out, the girl holding a still crackling with electricity scepter up.

"Is that the kid?" Tsukuyomi asked.

"Yes," Chigusa grunted.

"He's very cute. Reminds me a bit of Hansel-kun. If he can fight, can I keep him?"

"Oh, for the love of—!" Chigusa seethed.

Then, a few exploding Batarangs burned the final moving remnants of the monstrosity, with Chao stomping the still twitching remains casually, arms crossed behind her back.

"— No respect at all—" Chigusa exhaled throatily.

While running after the pursuing Batman, actually holding herself back so no one would suspect her too much on top of all the too much they already suspected her of, Chao chirped, "Ne, ne, ne! Aren't you going to growl at us to get back home where we can't get hurt? No 'I'll fix this myself' tough guy speech? Are you really Batman?"

"No, I'm Goldfishman. Isn't it obvious?" he grumbled, eyes narrowing while he hurried up. "And I've seen you pulling enough firepower in a few minutes to make the Teen Titans take notes. I want to see what are you able of."

"Well, I can cook, create artificial mechanic life, sew, speak forty six languages fluently, make pocket time machines, raise hydroponic farming, practice Chinese martial arts, drive flying cars, and I'm working on walking on water!" Chao joked.

"I believe you," Batman deadpanned, ignoring the tiny Alfred voice in his head delivering a "Ask her for marriage, Master Bruce," with all the dryness and willingness the real Alfred had for such kind of traps no doubt meant to get him apart from the cape and cowl. Alfred had never suggested him anyone underage, though. Yet.

It was a completely stupid thing to think during a chase, so he quickly filed it away, hopefully forever.

Then he saw Negi taking aim with his wand at Chigusa's head. "She's still in range! I can stun her down! Ra Stel Ma— HMPPPFFF!" he muffled, when tiny monkeys jumped on his face, forcefully shutting his mouth close. Negi shook them off just as soon, but by now Chigusa and his accomplice had moved out of his firing range again.

"Stupid vermin!" Chamo said, kicking a monkey aside. "Bro, chase them from above! That way, you'll be a harder target, and they'll be easier to aim for!"

"Good idea, Chamo!" Negi nodded, hopping on his staff. "Chisame-san!" he helped her to climb behind him.

The brown haired girl muttered. "I'm really not made for this…"

Negi blinked. "Oh. Well, okay, then it's better if you just stay—"

"No time for that!" she yelled. "Just hurry before they get out of the damn state! And don't give me that wounded Bambi look!"

As he saw the two of them taking off on Negi's staff, plus the talking ermine perched on Chisame's right shoulder, the Batman asked, "Do you have one of those?"

"God, no! They're obnoxious, steal panties, and leave fur everywhere!" Chao joked again.

"I mean a flying staff."

"Can't say I have. Shouldn't you have a Bat-wing or Bat-plane with you, for that matter?"

"I lent it to a friend."

Gotham

The Batwing hovered over the now-quiet waters of Gotham Bay.

"See something yet?" Robin asked from the controls, as Batgirl came out the top, searching through the waters with her binoculars.

"No. But whatever fell from the sky, it must have been—" She paused. "Wait, I've got a visual. It's really huge all right, and looks like an… airship of sorts…"

Robin arched an eyebrow under his mask. "Alien crashing?"

"There seems to be… a naked blond girl inside…" Batgirl hesitated.

Silence.

"Really, Barbara," Robin sounded annoyed. "If this is more sniping at me over Starfire, I'm telling you for the umpteenth time, we're just friends…"

Identity Crisis

Akira was surprised find that, despite their names— who thought it was a good idea to call a magical girl Psycho Purple?— these new magical girls were— dare she think it and jinx it?— sane!

"We're in pursuit, Erebus-kun," Kira Deathnote Paru-sama said, a card of some sort against her forehead as she flew through the air on the back of a giant flying shark, her bright-pink hair streaming in the wind behind her. Said shark, Akira had been astonished to see, had popped into existence after Deathnote had drawn it in her sketchbook.

Akira herself was riding another such flying sea creature, sharing it with Psycho Purple, who was quite demure and a polite and careful driver, while Valkyrie Black flew on some kind of winged pole. Black Archer, Akira was astonished to see, just ran, jumping from roof to roof as if it was all an easy path.

As they flew, Deathnote grimaced, then called to the others, "AngelGARd just reported in through her Card. These guys got Maga Alba too!"

Psycho Purple gasped, and Valkyrie muttered something Latin-sounding that was probably not complimentary.

"This Maga Alba is a friend of yours?" Akira asked.

"Y-yes," Psycho Purple said, sounding concerned. "I hope AngelGARd doesn't do anything rash…"

"He heh…" Deathnote chuckled evilly. Her eyes seemed to glint through her mask. The hairs on the back of Akira's neck tried to crawl into her nostrils. "Maybe AngelGARd will finally get over her nerves, break out her fancy Shinmeiryu moves and rescue Alba… then fly her off to safety… and AngelGARd, overcome by her feelings, daringly steals a kiss… or maybe Alba finally loses her patience and pulls her into another one… there's tongue… and soon they're having wild, hot girl on girl monkey action…" She she let out an utterly disturbing laugh, and Akira's hairs crawled some more. No… it couldn't be… and yet… but the pink hair! And… but…

Valkyrie sighed, flew up behind Deathnote, and whacked her upside the head. "Settle down, Paru," she said, and Akira could imagine her deadpan face beneath the lowered visor.

"Eh? Valkyrie-chi!" Deathnote whined.

Realization hit Akira so hard she almost fell off her ride. A little cry bubbled up from her as her shaking finger rose up to point at Deathnote.

The Magical Girls blinked and turned to look at her. "Sailor Mercury-san?" Psycho Purple said, concerned.

Her mind whirled, utterly in denial about what the rest of her had already pierced together as she cried, "H-Haruna?-! Saotome Haruna?-!-?-!-?-!"

She felt Psycho Purple give a start next to her as Deathnote froze for a moment too long. "Why, whatever do you mean, fellow Magical Girl?" Deathnote said, voice suddenly deeper and obviously-and badly— faked. "I am just a passing through Magical Girl, with no connection whatsoever to anyone you may know—"

"You can't fool me!" Akira cried, feeling slightly unhinged. Her world, which had barely settled onto an even keel from discovering she was Sailor Mercury and being sent to another universe, was starting to get screwy on her again. "That evil look! That creepy laugh! That disturbing way you talk about matchmaking! That way you plot out the world like a hentai doujin! Haruna! That IS you!"

Before Haruna could try to make anymore excuses, Akira pointed at Valkyrie. "And you! The way you smacked her on the head! Your exasperation! The way you keep eyeing convenience stores, as if looking for a place to pee! The familiar suffix she used! Yue-chan?-!"

Valkyrie raised a finger as if to object… then dropped it, muttering, "What's the use…"

Akira was on a roll, if a slightly unstable one. "That means…" she turned to Psycho Purple. "NODOKA-CHAN?-!"

"Um…" Psycho Purple spluttered.

Down below, Black Archer laughed.

Akira's mind raced, and she paled. "Oh no… Haruna with the power of a Magical Girl, and a magic drawing book…" She gasped. "And you called yourself evil! Haruna has finally acquired the power to rule the world, selling her soul to become some kind of demon lord of ink, and has mind-controlled Nodoka and Yue to become her love-slaves—"

"I DON'T HAVE A HAREM!" Valkyrie cried instinctively as Psycho blushed under her hood.

"— as she finally sets out to conquer the world under her perverted, incestous banner of decadence and evil!"

Kuro leapt up to their level, landing behind Haruna on her shark. "Huh. You're into incest?"

Haruna shrugged. "News to me. I didn't think I was the type."

Nodoka reached into her backpack and handed Akira a paper bag as the swimmer started hyperventilating. The Senshi began breathing into it, trying to regain control.

"Feel better?" Nodoka asked after Akira settled down.

Akira nodded, a bit sheepishly. "Sorry about the love-slave comment, Nodoka-chan."

Nodoka blushed some more, but said, "That's all right. It seems the sort of thing Haruna would do."

"Nodoka-chan!" Haruna whined. "I'm not that bad! I'd make you a consort and full partner! This love-slave business is counter-productive in the long run!"

Akira was shaking her head. "You're all Magical Girls? For how long?"

They exchanged looks. "Actually, it's a bit more complicated than that…" Nodoka said.

Yue suddenly stiffened. "But later!" she said. "Erebus says we can cut off the kidnappers! He knows where they're headed!"

"Ooh, a trap!" Haruna said. "He heh… let's see, what have I got…?"

Nodoka turned a pleading look at Akira. "Can we talk about this later? Konoka-san needs us."

Akira nodded instantly. "Later. But we will talk about this, Nodoka-chan. I'm getting tired of this magic weirdness coming out of nowhere."

Kuro's sudden laughter was quite ominous…

All Onboard the Kyoto Express!

"They're going into the train station!" Negi pointed down, diving on his staff to rejoin the Setsunas, Chao and the vigilante. "We can't use magic there, but neither can they!"

"No," Sakurazaki said tersely. "They readied all this before hand. Feel free to let loose."

Negi blinked at her. "Are you sure?"

Sakurazaki smiled grimly, her Artifacts orbiting her like ominous satellites. "This isn't my first monkey chase."

Setsuna, Batman and especially Chao gave her a look, but Negi and Chisame seemed to accept that, making Chao wonder.

She ran through the entrance without any problem, and so did Sakurazaki, Negi, Chamo and Chisame. But once Batman tried to follow them in, he was stopped dead in his tracks by an invisible force.

He blinked. "Some sort of barrier…?" he wondered, placing a hand on it, then retreating it when it gave him a slight shock. "How—"

Chao pointed at one of the many paper wards hanging all around the door. "They won't let any normal humans in, sorry! Well," she laughed, hands crossed behind her neck as she walked in as well, playfully stepping backwards, the others already far gone. "Thanks for trying to help, anyway! Don't worry, we'll handle this ourselves! You go fight the Mob or something, ne?"

The Dark Knight grimaced, then tried to yank one of the paper charms off. It didn't even move. It felt as if it was stuck to the entrance with cement. An attempt to rip it apart proved being similarly fruitless, as the thin paper apparently was indestructible.

Batman made a low humming sound. An interesting challenge…

He reached for a gadget in his utility belt.

Meanwhile, as they ran after a train that was speeding off, Chisame noticed something very quickly. "Hey, there's absolutely no one here!" She could see a few employees sitting around sporting blank stares and open mouths, with funny hats on their heads, but other than those and themselves, the place was empty. No crowds, which was completely unusual even so late at night.

"I told you, they prepared this," Sakurazaki said. "Chigusa's not stupid. Preparation is every magic-user's close companion."

"Was that man back there the real Batman?" Negi asked in turn.

"I think so," Sakurazaki admitted. "I've seldom met him myself, but Asakura-san showed me her video of him and Robin in action. Though I thought he'd have longer ears…"

"Does that matter at all now?" a frustrated Setsuna replied. "They must have Ojou-sama in that train! If it gets away, we'll never recover her!"

She all but flew into the nearest door of the vehicle, slicing it open with such a powerful swing of her sword it made Negi, Chisame and Chao gasp aloud. Sakurazaki jumped in after her, knowing it'd be pointless to warn her about what would happen next. They had to walk into the trap one way or another. Chao breathed in, berated herself for her own intrusion yet again, and jumped in next. Then Negi drew in an even deeper breath, grabbed a yelping Chisame around the waist, and jumped in with her right in the nick of time.

Left behind next to the tracks, Chamo called out, "Bro, Chisame-neeeeeee…!" Then he blinked. "Then again, maybe I'm better off here…"

He walked back to the door, where Batman was still trying to burn the paper charms with a pocket flamethrower, to no avail. "Need some help, Batman-sama? I can call you Batman-sama, can't I?"

The Dark Detective grunted. "I have no qualms about talking ermines calling me that, no."

"You don't look too shocked about me…"

"I often fight a talking gorilla, a crocodile man, and a man made of mud. I've seen weirder."

"You know, I think I like you already, Bat-Bro."

"Now that name, I don't like…"

….

Water Games.

"Amagasaki Chigusa!" AngelGARd shouted, as the small group finally caught up to the kidnappers, pursuing them through three cars. "Surrender immediately! You have no place to go!"

Sure, it had never worked in her world, but it was traditional!

The woman in the monkey suit sneered, stopping briefly. "You simply don't know when to quit, do you?"

Sakurazaki scowled deeply, taking another step forward and wondering briefly if she should give a magical girl speech. That seemed like a cue. Her younger counterpart firmly followed behind her. She kept her eyes fixed on Chigusa, as Setsuna kept hers on Tsukuyomi, as if acting on a silent agreement.

The very second Chigusa reached for a charm, that would be the second AngelGARd would slice them off before they could do anything. Then she would take advantage of the opening to strike, and in such a close space, her adversaries couldn't run away easily. They had them.

Unfortunately, after the earlier incident at the street, Amagasaki had learned she couldn't win a quick draw duel against that annoying masked meido girl. She smiled placidly. "Charm-san, Charm-san, facilitate my escape," she said.

Sakurazaki blinked. What? She hadn't pulled any charms at all, so…

Then the train floor under their feet exploded in a sudden sprout of water everywhere. Oh, of course. She had set the charms before they arrived! She should have remembered that, if she hadn't been so caught in the heat of the moment…

"Ho, ho, ho!" Chigusa laughed, while she and Tsukuyomi moved onto the next train car, closing that one hastily with sealing wards. "I hope to sink your youthful dreams, but you know, it's a swim or drown world! Be dearies and enjoy your bath to death, okay?"

Tsukuyomi groaned while following her at a fast pace. "What's with the lame puns now, Amagasaki-han?"

"Well, you know how it is. Hang out with those Gotham freaks long enough, and it rubs off on you…" Chigusa admitted.

Back at the doors of the station, Batman growled, frustrated after failing to burn the wards with his mini-Bat-flamethrower. He let it fall next to the Bat-shredder, Bat-ink-sprayer, Bat-crowbar and Bat-acid-thrower

"That won't work either," Chamo said.

"If you're magical, couldn't you just bite them off?" the vigilante asked.

"I think I could try, but I'm almost sure I'd lose my teeth trying…" answered the ermine.

Bat-stare.

"Hell no! I'm not doing it!" Chamo cowered.

Wild and Wet!

Chisame held her breath as the water filled the train car, submerging them all in a matter of seconds. She didn't have even enough time to catch a really good breath in before, and shooting her electric scepter right then would be a suicide, so she only turned her eyes to Negi, silently pleading for a fast solution.

The boy was clutching his wand in a hand, about to throw a spell, but unable to open his mouth and conjure without swallowing a fatal dose of water. Chao floated near him, holding her yukata's crotch firmly against her body to avoid showing any of her commando private areas. The Setsunas were close as well, rolling around in the water until they found a balance in the turbulent streams.

The older Sakurazaki was about to use her sword to cut through the steel and break free, but for once, her younger alternate self beat her to it. More impulsive and angrier, she swung her blade around in a way Chisame had never seen before, and somehow, it caused a gigantic slash to ripple through the liquid, shooting itself against the car's wall separating it from the next wagon. The water, in a single mighty burst, erupted from the newly open crack, storming like a giant geyser into the following car, washing all over it.

A still fleeing Chigusa looked back over her shoulder. "Oh. Rats."

Tsukuyomi hummed. "I should've brought a swimsuit under the dress…"

Then both of them were washed away and swung around by the thundering water along with the Konokas. The flow was so strong, it broke all the windows and doors from the inside, unleashed and roaring. And the train vomited all of its scarce passengers out into the next station.

"PFAH!" Chisame coughed mouthfuls of liquid out, wiping wet hair off her face. "Damn it, are you freaking insane, woman?-! I should—!"

Then she heard Negi's muffled voice from somewhere, and she blinked. "Sensei? Where are you? Are you okay?"

Chao coughed as well and pointed under Chisame. "You're sitting on his face."

"GAH!" Chisame sprang back to her feet, allowing Negi to finally breath again, taking a hand to his chest. "Get your face off my butt, twerp!-!"

Setsuna briefly wondered if somehow Sensei had a magnet for female lower parts on his face, before standing up to face the kidnappers, who still were carrying their squirming, groggily coughing victims. "Have you seen the power of my blade, renegade?" she told Chigusa. "Surrender Ojou-sama now before the next strike goes for your throat!" she threatened, with a ferocity Chisame had never dreamed the bland Setsuna could have, despite what Misora claimed happened in training with Sakurazaki. The Ala Alba said nothing, merely drew her blade with obvious intent, her Artifact blades floating around her.

"Hahhh… Hahhhh…" the older woman breathed hard. "Not bad at all, Shinmeiryuu dog. But as long as I live, I'll never give Konoka Ojou-sama back…"

She covered her and Tsukuyomi's escape with more monkeys up the wazoo, which by now were no real problem for the pursuers. Chisame was finding it wasn't even necessary to blast them; a few whacks with the staff worked fine as well. As she plowed through the opposition, Setsuna noticed her older parallel wasn't putting not much of an effort anymore, barely doing her part but not really going all out like before. Instead, her eyes were slightly unfocused, head tilted to the side. "What are you doing? I know you can do better! They'll get away with Ojou-sama!"

"No, they won't," Sakurazaki said while rejoining the chase. "Everything is under control and according to plan"

"It always pays to have a plan, that's my motto!" Chao shrugged carelessly, looking like she was actually going for the ride for the fun more than anything else. Sakurazaki gave her a mild glare.

"Hey, why did she call Konoka 'Ojou-sama' too?" Chisame asked. "What's the story behind this?"

"I'll explain it later" Setsuna grunted. "Suffice to say Ojou-sama has a great power they want to exploit, no doubt!"

"Oh, great," Chisame grumbled. "One of the few people around that seemed relatively normal…"

"Chisame-san, you HAVE been paying attention to who our medic is, right?" Sakurazaki said.

Chisame grimaced. "Oh, right. I guess I wanted to believe ours would be different…"

"Mind your mouth when talking about Konoka Oujo-sama!" the younger Setsuna snapped.

Chisame blinked, eyes going pinpoints. "… Okay, sorry…"

Chao sighed. "The power of love is so wonderful, isn't it, Negi-bouzou?"

Sakurazaki have her another, stronger glare.

Negi was still rubbing his face. After all that had just happened tonight, he was going to try and keep a hand on his face for protection at all times. After crotch and butt, no doubt he'd have an accident with a female's bust next…

Escape!

"It's some sort of spaceship, alright," Robin confirmed, clad in one of Bruce's spare Bat-diving suits and throwing his underwater Bat-lights on the craft's surface. "Not Tamaranean, or at least not like anything Starfire has ever shown me."

"Hmmm," Batgirl's voice hummed, transmitted from the Batboat above. "Well, there's no use on prodding it until Superman and the D.E.O. arrive. We've established it's no immediate threat, so..."

"Wait," he said. "The girl inside's just opened her eyes..."

One moment later, something... no, someone... no, her... flew right out of the ship, zooming up past him faster than he could react, then bursting out of the waters and leaping far away into the dark city.

"Wow!" Batgirl gasped once the boat stopped rocking. "Alien exhibitionist on the loose! Just what this town needed..."

Robin broke out of the river, quickly climbing back into the Batboat. "Let's give chase!"

"Sure. Just in case she has the groundbreaking idea of dressing up to disguise herself, did you happen to get a good view of something besides her private parts? Anything we can use to identify her at first sight?"

"She can one punch a metal door off its hinges," was the best he could come up with.

"Well, so can Croc, but unless he's wearing a blond wig, no way we'll mistake them for each other. Let's go!"

….

Big Damn Heroes Cavalry!

The station suddenly opened up into a wide stairway, broken at thirds with wide landings.

"Chao-san!" Sakurazaki snapped. "Stay back and watch the way we just came in! We've got them!"

Chao nodded, the order suiting her just fine, and stopped to watch their rear. Sakurazaki drew the primary blade of her Artifact, timed the running pair's footfalls, and directed her Artifacts. "Limited Blade Works!" she cried.

Tsukuyomi dodged as her instincts screamed of the knife flying at her back, only to trip on the blade that had flown at her feet and stabbed into the ground. She tried to regain her balance, but a third blade slammed butt-first into the side of her face, knocking off her glasses, and she fell, Konoka landing on top of her and knocking out her breath. The glasses clattered to the floor, and another blade slammed into them, cracking the lenses. Still two more stabbed into and through Tsukuyomi's skirts, not exactly pinning her to the ground, but making escape costly.

Tsukuyomi was impressed. She could feel the cool metal of the blades against either side of her thighs. One had even managed to stab through the side of one of her shoes. It made her…

HOT!

Chigusa was similarly trapped, two of the blades flying over her head to cut open her costume and its annoying head-cushioning. Another stabbed at the heel of her outfit, jerking her off her feet, while another struck her side, spinning her around so Konoka landed on top of her. A fourth blade repeated the impact to the side of her hear, knocking off her glasses as another destroyed it.

Everyone stared in shock at Sakurazaki, who was looking a trifle smug. "I have to remember to thank Reaper-chan for teaching me precision targeting," AngelGARd mused. She gestured, and all the blades not securing someone to the ground flew back to her, hovering above her in a ready, threatening line.

"Amagasaki Chigusa!" the magical girl cried, her usually low, even voice suddenly echoing and stentorian beneath the station's vaulting roof. "For crimes against the Kanto Magic Association, for unlawful seizure and assault, and for daring to touch Konoka Oujo-sama, I place you under arrest by my authority as a duly appointed security officer of Mahora Academy! Surrender, and I will personally speak on your behalf at your trial and do my best to see you are granted leniency!" A pause. "I'll even help you put together an insanity defense. Given who you hired, it's likely to push through."

Chao raised an eyebrow at the declaration, slightly bemused. Setsuna and Chisame were both staring, a bit flabbergasted. Negi had stars in his eyes.

"Sugoi…!" he breathed, impressed at the heroic delivery.

"Oneesama!" Tsukuyomi cried, trying to feel around for her glasses. "She's making fun of me!"

"Shut up!" Chigusa and Setsuna chorused. They shared, for a nanoscopically brief moment, a look of mutual sympathy and understanding.

Then Chigusa glared at Sakurazaki, who stood tall, proud and determined, her ridiculous-looking meido outfit not detracting in the least. "Dog of the western mages!" the rebel snapped. "Do you think I wasn't prepared for this? I was at least expecting to fight Takahata of Ala Rubra for the girl, but children are nothing! You've fallen straight into my trap!"

As Setsuna, Chisame and Negi tensed, Sakurazaku allowed herself a small smile.

Chigusa suddenly jerked a charm from her sleeve, tossing it at the ground at them. "Charm-san, Charm-san!" she cried. "Burn my enemies to ash and nothingness!"

Apparently, this charm had been prepared differently from the others, because it was already exploding into flame as it left Chigusa's hand, the heat slamming into them even from a distance away as it began to form into a large character.

Frantically, Negi tried to raise a shield, but even as he did, he knew no shield he made could protect them from a flame that size. Even if the fire itself didn't reach them, the sheer heat would be their doom…

Chao dove, cursing herself, knowing she didn't have time to deactivate her limiters but trying anyway. She wouldn't be able to save everyone, but if she could just manage to spare Negi…

Chisame saw death coming for her, a cute girl about her age sitting on the stairs and holding ice-creams for everyone. "I should have gone to Ohtori…" she said bleakly. "I'm going to die a virgin…"

Some distance away, Tsunetsuki Matoi snapped to full wakefulness. "CHISAME-SAMA!"

Sakurazaki just smiled.

Then, from above Chigusa on the stairs, and to the windows to either side of the large chamber, there came echoing cries.

"MERCURY AQUA MIST!"

"Trace, ON!"

"Nivis Tempestas Obscurans!"

A spiraling beam of cold and darkness slammed into the heart of the flame as a battering ram of cold mist struck it from the side, which exploded into a fog that instantly formed ice on the stairs. At the same time, three huge swords, ''Ensis Exorcizans'', were launched at it from the other side.

The abrupt, sharp temperature differential from sudden extreme heat to sudden extreme cold caused a violent explosion of air as they met, throwing a sudden shockwave at everyone's faces as the three swords neutralized any remaining magic.

At the top of the stairs, three girls stood, spaced to block the way, while to the left of the stairs, a long-haired girl wore a tight white body suit and blue miniskirt, while at the right a dark-skinned girl in skimpy red and black stood ready.

Sakurazaki's smiled widened slightly, definitely a little smug. "I'm afraid you've got it the wrong way around, Amagasaki-san," she said. "We didn't fall for your trap. You fell into ours."

Chigusa stared. "How… what…" she struggled, then exploded. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE?-!"

The tallest of the three girls at the top of the stairs brightened, and the red-clad little girl smiled. If THAT wasn't a straight line…

"Worshipper of evil," the red-clad girl cried, her voice high-pitched and definitely that of a child, pointing at them dramatically, "you stand before justice naked of your protections! Be judged by my righteous swords, and know either salvation or damnation! My body is under the dominion of righteousness, my fate lies upon the edge of my blade! I am a warrior for the virtues of all Heavens! I am the guard against the evils of all hells! Through the seven heavens, by the three shining virtues, mine are hands that protect the balance!"

"Oh, you've gotta be kidding me," Chisame groaned.

"In the name of Truth, Love and Justice, I am Magical Girl Black Archer, survivor of Heaven's Feel and Fated Knight of Fuyuki! By the will of Akasha, I am your doom!" Kuro cried.

"Protectors of the students of Mahora! Explorers by day, lovers by night, Magical Girls by our own courage! We are Magical Girls Biblion, the Elite Library Island Explorers Club Division, Ala Alba!" She drew a thorned whip from out of her book, snapping it expertly. "Fearless artist and future ruler of the Worlds! Mangaka without peer or equal, and Organizer of the United Magical Girls' Association of Earth, I am Kira Deathnote Paru-sama!"

Yue held the Souken professionally ready, eyes watchful. "I am the daughter of philosophers," Yue announced. "The world of wisdom and knowledge is mine. I am a student of Ariadne. We are the Maidens of War. I am a Magical Girl. We are they who fight for Truth, Love, and Justice. I am Ala Alba! Magical Girl Magistra Magi Valkyrie Black, ready for action!" She leveled the Souken. "Fall before my blade."

"Protecting the helpless and weak, standing for the honor of the Shinmeiryu, my blades serve the cause of righteousness!" Sakurazaki cried, no hesitation in her voice, her blade ready. "Magical Girl Meido AngelGARd!"

Setsuna stared, mortified. Tsukuyomi moaned in arousal.

Nodoka was next, her voice a clarion call. "Tomb Raider, Treasure Hunter, and proud member of Ala Alba! Psycho Purple!" she declared simply, the grip on her small knife unshaking.

There was a moment of hesitation as Akira balked at what she knew they were expecting. But… Nodoka. Miyazaki-frickin'-Nodoka, the girl who was the original shrinking violet of all shrinking violets, had just done it. And suddenly she didn't care people were watching, didn't care she was in an embarrassing outfit in front of her teacher and complete strangers, didn't care that her world had gotten so strange Hito Nami-normal HASEGAWA CHISAME was running around as a magical girl. She! Didn't! CARE!

Because if Nodoka could do these speeches, then she damn well could!

"Wielders of dark magic, kidnappers, thieves of security and innocence!" she cried, in a voice of righteous fury. Suddenly, she was angry. How DARE these people! How dare they try to take her classmate! Did they think there would be no consequences? Well, there bloody well WOULD be consequences!

HER!

"I am the Sailor-suited Warrior of Love and Justice, Sailor Mercury! And I swear, by all my power, for what you have done, for taking this innocent girl for your own dark ends, YOU! SHALL! PAY!"

In a far, distant place, Minako jerked awake. "Suddenly, I feel a disturbance in the Force. As if a great ass-kicking is about to ensue…"

Her hands embracing the blonde's waist, Ami sleepily said, "Go to sleep, Minako-chan…"

Tsukuyomi giggled. "My! What interesting friends you have, Oneesama! Maybe they should meet my friends…!"

"Amagasaki Chigusa!" Psycho Purple cried. "We have you surrounded! Surrender and pay for your myriad crimes, all the way back to gradeschool."

Despite herself, Chigusa started. Gradeschool? How could they know about…

"Ah! You cheated on every math test by writing crib notes on your socks!"

Chigusa's jaw dropped. "How do you know that?-!"

"Ooh!" Tsukuyomi 'ooh'-ed. "So naughty, Chigusa-han!"

"You never paid for your curry bread!"

"Five-fingered discount!" Tsukuyomi approved.

"You lie on your taxes!"

Tsukuyomi laughed. "Ah! Such petty crimes Chigusa-han."

"You got a needy sophomore to write your thesis for you by agreeing to go on a date with him… and not showing up!"

"DESPICABLE!" Deathnote swore. "Enemy of true love!"

"You eat roasted kittens!" Nodoka said in horror.

Tsukuyomi tittered. "Oh, you're so evil, Chigusa-han… it's so sexy…"

"YOU READ TWILIGHT FOR PLEASURE!"

Negi gasped. Chisame's face twisted in disgust. Chao looked repulsed.

Tsukuyomi coughed, leaning away from Chigusa. "I'm sorry, Amagasaki-han, but I will no longer be able to work for you. Even I have standards, and— "

"I'll pay you more money," Chigusa said.

Tsukuyomi clenched a fist. "Sexy, sexy Chigusa-han has the right to read any tasteless, mind-numbing, stupid garbage she wants! We're with you, Chigusa-han!"

"Oh, I'm so relieved," Chigusa said flatly. She snarled and called out, "Hansel-san! Gretel-san! Homura-san!"

There was a blur of movement, and two streaks leapt down from the roof. With a cry of "Trace, ON!" Kuro leapt to intercept one, while Sakurazaki met the other. Steel rang.

Akira's senses screamed at her, and she dodged just as a burst of flame exploded right where she'd stood. She rolled, and faced a girl in ordinary clothes, left eye shining with fire…

"For Kosmo Entelekhia," the girl said, and her eye blazed. "AMATERASU!"

Akira dodged, hers eyes watering from the heat and fumes, and called the goggles that came with her outfit, pulling it down over her eyes.

Tsukuyomi leapt into the air, leaving her skirt and one shoe behind. The sight of her thonged butt made Negi blush and avert his eyes out of instinct as Setsuna leapt forward for Konoka. Tsukuyomi laughed merrily as she slashed, but the loss of her glasses screwed up her aim, and her technique, intended for Setsuna, instead flew at a defenseless Chisame.

Chisame did the worst! Possible! Thing!

She froze.

Time seemed to slow.

"Chisame!" Chao cried, the scream seemingly overly drawn out and painfully protracted.

Chisame could only stare at the oncoming slash, a vaguely visible warp in the air. Okay, now she was going to die…

She was vaguely aware of two huge forms appearing to either side of Chigusa as Yue, Haruna and Nodoka leapt to attack, Nodoka in the lead, tentacles from Haruna's book trying to reach for her…

So. This was how it ended…

Kuro was swearing, trying to throw something in the path of the attack, but her enemy was having none of it…

Do I have any regrets?

Sakurazaki tried to send her Artifacts, but couldn't spare the concentration from her own fight…

Yes. Many. Sora, I'm so sorry for being a bad sister… I do love you…

Chao screamed, holding a golden pocket watch that did nothing…

Hakase… be happy with Sakurako…

Her Artifact fizzled in her hands, useless without her direction…

Sensei… thank you for being in my life…

"CHISAME!" Negi screamed heart-wrenchingly.

Matoi… I'm glad you came to my life… I…

The lights of the station flickered, and died, only to be replaced by emergency lights.

I…

Something breezed past Batman and Chamo, destroying the wards like they weren't there, the talismans bursting into flame.

I don't dislike you…

Something flashed by Chao faster then her eyes could see.

I'm going to die a virgin…

Skuld stared at her elbow. "Oops. Accidentally flipped the 'Dramatic Slow-Motion' switch." She turned it off.

Time returned to its proper flow, and there was the dark-clad woman again, with only two ice-creams now. Chisame closed her eyes.

There was a thud, a cry of tortured wood and ruptured air, and a heavy thud. There was the smell of sake.

Chisame's eyes snapped open.

Matoi stood before her, clutching the enormous shape of a wooden telephone pole, its top sheared clean off, the broken length at her feet, the transformer on it cut open and spilling mineral oil onto the ground. Heavy power cables still hung from it, and cement and dirt clung to one end. The high school girl's eyes were clear and lucid, no trace of intoxication in her poise and bearing. She wore only the white shirt Sakurazaki had changed her into and her panties which, Chisame blearily noticed, where the exact same brand and style Chisame was wearing. Her gaze burned, a palpable intensity that seemed to shine through the sudden half-gloom.

"NO ONE TOUCHES CHISAME-SAMA!" the stalker cried, voice brimming with wrath. "NO ONE!"

For some reason, Chisame's heart went 'bu-bump!'.

And the battle was joined.

Gratuitous

"Well, Asuka-chan is at her class trip, and Kyoko's out in a meeting with Commander Ikari," Misato happily said, unable to see how, walking behind her, Ritsuko grimaced in disgust at the mention of the Ikari name. "So you can make yourself comfortable, Ritsuko. Why, you even can stay the whole night if you want to… it'll be just like when we were in college sharing a one-bedroom apartment… I think I still have our dild—"

"Thank you," Dr. Akagi interrupted, shaking the sopping wet coat off herself and carefully set it aside. The storm still raged outside.

"Well, wanna take a hot bath?" Misato asked while reaching into the fridge for an Ebisu beer. "Feel at home."

Ritsuko rubbed her nose. "You sure you don't want to go in first?"

Misato shrugged. "Nah, I'm used to being cold and wet. I spent two whole years at the South Pole, remember? Enjoy your bath!"

"Thanks," the bottle blonde said sincerely, walking into the bathroom, closing the door behind herself, and shedding her wet clothes. She stepped into the shower, turned the hot water on, and relaxed under the warm, soothing flow.

Then she felt something rather big and slippery waddling between her toes.

Ritsuko looked down. "Ah. It's you," she said blandly.

The bird at her feet waughed at her. "Wark! Wark!"

Ritsuko exhaled wearily. Well, the laws of cause and effect in the continuum said she only could do one thing now.

Misato was sitting at the table sipping her second beer of the night when a naked Ritsuko stormed out of the bathroom, breasts swinging in a way that reminded the fanfic's audience the origin of the term 'Gainaxing'. "Ahhhh! Why do you have a penguin in your bath?-!" the scientist screamed. No one could have told she was only pretending.

Misato blinked. "Wow. Nice shave."

Inwardly, between this and the incident at the audience, the scientist was wondering if the Powers that Be of the Universe weren't simply dead set on making her their Public Nudity Ms. Fanservice.

She was probably right.

Somewhere, Takane Goodman blinked. "This feeling… it's as if a weight has been lifted from me…"

Next to her, Mei muttered, "It's still my turn Nutmeg," as she sleepily humped the blonde's naked hip…

The Bat And The Ermine

Chamo blinked, loosened strands of his white fur still fluttering in the air, slowly falling to the scorched floor the girl had just run over. "… Huh. I think that was Matoi-chan. You see, she's this girl who— hey, where did you go?" He looked around.

Then, a motorcycle burst from the staff's parking lot, a dark and imposing figure with a long cape and pointy ears riding it, speeding down the path Matoi had taken, following her down the train's railroads.

Chamo exhaled. "Why oh why do I have a feeling I'll need some Training From Hell myself or at least some sort of cool Chamo-mobile to get myself anything here?" he mused before running after the Bat as fast as his tiny legs allowed it. "Hey! Slow down! Cowardly yet oddly suicidal risk-taking elf ermine needing a ride here, Brooooo…!"

….

Not a Tea Party

Kuro sighed in pure annoyance as the pale boy in Goth clothes swung his huge axe at her again.

Granted, he had to be freakishly strong to handle such a big and heavy weapon with such ease, grinning maniacally as he did so, but still, he had no technique, only savage ferocity and determination going for him. And while ferocity and determination could take you a long way, as her brother regularly demonstrated, it only took you so far without skill. He was fast, granted, but nothing out of her league. She spared with Rider and Negi, after all The hardest part was to think of a way to put him down quickly without hurting him too badly (after all, Ala Alba tended to be very sensitive about those things).

Nearby, AngelGARd rolled from the line of fire as the boy's twin lifted her gigantic M1918 Browning Automatic Rifle and sprayed fire around with it, giggling in a way that truly matched Tsukuyomi's. Judging from the way the bullets made tiny explosions instead of piercing through whenever they hit a wall or the floor, it seemed someone had modified the ammo, probably to be non-lethal, but needless to say, no one was exactly eager to prove that.

Sakurazaki didn't usually make it a habit to fight enemies with long and wide range gunfire (she knew better than to piss of Mana or Tomoyo), but she was more than fast and skilled enough to avoid the fire, although she had to keep her distance for now. The place was getting so crowded it was hard to take aim without interference from any of the many other fights going on at once, but she was sure she only needed to wait a few moments until the girl needed to reload, to put her down in a single precise strike.

Then, out of the corner of her eye, she spied Chigusa slowly and carefully backing away with her Ojou-sama, taking advantage of the other Setsuna being busy with the blinded but still fight-capable Tsukuyomi, who barely held her own. The other members were most likely some kind of smokescreen to cover her own escape, but if she thought that would stop them, she—

But before she ran there dodging the gunfire, a long rope tied to a black boomerang swept through the air from the shadows, wrapping itself around Chigusa's waist and violently pulling her back, making her fall back on her butt. Actually, now that she got a better view, it was more like a steel cable attached to a boomerang…

Amagasaki lifted her head angrily. "You again!" she snarled at the tall, dark figure swinging into the fray. "Vermin like you should know when to quit!"

"Like I was saying before…" the American vigilante held up another Batarang, this one with a glowing yellow core on its middle, "… Let the girl go immediately."

"Be careful!" Nodoka warned. "She'll try a suffocating wide-area talisman next!"

Amagasaki blinked. "How did you—"

"That's quite a rude thing to think about us," Nodoka told her. "And grammatically imprecise, too."

"Oh, screw you," Chigusa snapped, working her way back to her feet and trying to snap the cable holding her. The Batman tugged again, making her lose her footing, but she didn't completely fall down. She had to think of something, but no matter what she thought, that pesky little girl seemed able to guess it correctly. Then, what—

Then, just as Negi, Chisame and Matoi closed on her to regain Konoka, a loud whistle cut through the air. Yue paused only a split second in her slashing of swarming monkeys, just as Haruna frowned, her own Godzilla shaped (even if, thankfully, not fittingly sized) constructs keeping Chigusa's newly summoned huge bear and monkey dolls at bay. "What's that?" Paru wondered.

The Bat growled. "A signal. The frequency that acts on the altered brainwaves of slaves subjected to Mad Hatter technology."

"What?" Matoi asked.

A grunt. "Trust me. I've done this several times before. Get ready."

Kuro frowned distastefully. "Ugh. Supervillains. No understanding of economics."

"I hate hanging with crowds," Chisame muttered, as the train station's staff began to pour in from all directions, all of them with one form or another of chip firmly attached to their heads.

Chao eyed them with an analytical eye. "It isn't going to be as easy as dropping hats from their heads, is it?"

"Tetch left nothing to chance this time," Batman observed, fists ready. "These people will need careful removal after this…"

Chigusa chuckled dryly. "Your delusional friend wanted to keep his old hat motif, but I was smarter than that," she crowed. "Personally, I dislike using mere worthless mundanes as tools; it just feels beneath me. But you know what they say; desperate times—" she snapped her fingers and the dozens of slaves all ran to the rescue party, charging along the monkeys between them.

"Oh, please…!" Kuro huffed, finally just resorting to lash out with a kick in Hansel's face and knocking him against a wall. At the same time she swung her sword in the opposite direction to slash more monkeys. "This is getting simply ridiculous! And not in the usual 'chainsaw sharks and giant Stay Pufts' way!"

For once, Chisame couldn't help agreeing with her. "So, what do we do? These are innocents, right? But if I blast them, no jury should find me guilty! I'm just saving my own—"

"I'll take on the slaves," Batman said, already punching one in the stomach and sending him down. "And your friend seems to be about to dominate her adversary. Concentrate on the ringleader!"

Kuro rolled her eyes. "Give an adult a place in your massive fight scene, and they'll start thinking they can run the whole place…"

Bat-tle Royale with Napoleon Cheese!

They had fallen into a more or less stable fighting arrangement of sorts now.

Negi plowed through literally swarms of tiny monkeys pouring out of everywhere and piling up on him to try and reach the monkey lady, getting closer at a very fast pace, while Nodoka and the now available Kuro blocked her escape route and kept her back, the mind reader guiding the Black Archer move by move. Valkyrie Black and Deathnote kept on fighting the giant dolls and pushing them back. Sailor Mercury was having some problems with the fire using girl, but she could douse most of her flame attacks with her own water based ones barely on time.

The 'Gretel' girl had helped her groggy twin back to his feet, and now she hid behind the over of an overturned metal table with him, periodically spraying Sakurazaki's path with heavy gunfire to try and keep her apart from the other fighters. The Bat was making short work of the mind controlled staff, punching line after line of them with surgical efficiency. Setsuna finally seemed to be getting a decisive advantage over Tsukuyomi, pushing her back against a corner while Chao hung slightly behind, as if waiting for a cue.

Chisame, meanwhile, grunted while summoning her electronic sprites. "Okay, Boku, Pico, deploy a barrier around me! Negi, Nene, try to disrupt those chips on those people and free them, now!" she commanded.

After a few brief moments of concentrated silence, Nene said, "It's going to be difficult, Mother! The chips themselves are no problem, but they are linked to those people's neural functions, and we aren't programmed to interact with biological electric pulses! We might hurt them if we cut the interface between their brain functions and the chips abruptly!"

"Terrific," the girl grunted. "Okay, then let's leave it to the superhero. Concentrate on zapping the monkeys around Sensei and open a path for him. Also, contact the local police station and call them over."

"Are you sure you want to do that, Mot—"

"Dammit, lives might be at risk here! We'll worry about how to get away later!" she barked.

"Y-Yes, Mother!" the mice went back to work.

"Ahh, Chisame-sama, just like Eva-sama said, you're becoming a true field leader…!" Matoi cooed while whacking a few monkeys trying to sneak behind Chisame.

"… Say that again and I'll hurt you."

"You mean 'thanks for that save moments ago', don't you?" Tsunetsuki pressed, fluttering her eyelashes coyly.

"Okay, yes, that too," Chisame relented.

Matoi squealed girlishly, her hands on her cheeks.

After a lot of frantic, rapid clashing of blades, Setsuna took advantage of a literal blind spot of Tsukuyomi to hit her wrist, drawing some blood and causing enough pain to loosen her grip on Konoka. That was the sign Chao had been waiting for, and she slid in like a living bullet, kicking Tsukuyomi's ribs and elbowing her face at once, her free arm wrapping itself around Konoka's waist and pulling her back with herself.

"Ah?" the Shinmeiryu renegade squinted her eyes, trying to get a good look at her. "Ah, it's you, Buns-han! That's mean, poking into other girls' private matters like that! I'm not going to forget th—" She barely felt Setsuna's next strike in time to stop it. "Oh, Oneesama, why won't you tell your rude friend to stop nosing into our affairs…?"

Setsuna smirked slightly. "Thank you, Chao-san. Now I can fight with a freely. Please keep Ojou-sama safe and I'll wrap this up in no time."

Tsukuyomi pouted cutely. "Ah, still underestimating me, Oneesama? Keep in mind you had to gangbang me to get this far! Not that I mind being gangbanged, but—"

Chao cringed at the rest of the line while back pedaling with Konoka in her arms. The naked girl still seemed out of it, as if heavily drugged. Chao casually elbowed Hansel in the face when he tried to take her from behind, sending him to the floor with a bleeding nose.

"Ah! Dear Brother, your perfect profile!" Gretel cried, momentarily distracted enough to make her ignore the Batarang hitting her right hand, unleashing a large electric discharge. She shrilled like a scared little girl and dropped her gun, just as the Batman jumped in between them, and AngelGARd took the chance to zero in on Chigusa just as Negi did so.

"The 'Vampire' Twins from Romania," Batman said tersely. "You two wiped out the whole Roanapur branch of the Verrochio family last year."

The twins smiled in a sinister fashion. "Yes, that was when we met Sister Tsukuyomi," the girl nodded slowly.

The boy fingered his axe's handle eagerly, licking blood off his upper lip. "Hey, hey, are you really the Batman? We heard so much about you, we'd be disappointed to learn you're nothing but a myth…"

"Are all children in this country so disturbed?" he said, readied his HAMMERS OF JUSTICE!

"Bad, bad Bat-Man!" Hansel sing-sang. "Picking on little boys and girls!" He charged, axe swinging out for blood.

….

Akira in a Hot Spot!

Ookuchi Akira, as has been mentioned before, hated fighting with a passion unfitting a girl who didn't really hate anything else. She was a big believer of understanding and common ground between all races and classes, and was one of the few 3-A students who actually did their best to get along with 3-F. It helped 3-F had no swimmers to compete with.

Right now, she was thinking maybe she could have used a bit more fighting in her past. Maybe.

"I'm telling you, we don't have to fight if you only told me what—" she still tried to reason, while rolling aside like Minako had taught her during their battle with the demonic crows, managing to escape the spot of the floor exploding into flames under her feet right in time. "Why are you doin this?-!"

Back in Mahora, Takamachi Nanoha sneezed in her sleep.

"Words are wasted on the likes of you!" the girl exclaimed arrogantly, as her eye kept on burning, her stare seeming to cause continued bursts of fire wherever she looked. "Depart now, or sign your death sentence! That's all the explanation you need! I have no time to explain anything to the likes of you!"

Back in Mahora, Fate Testarossa-Tomoe sneezed in her sleep.

Akira grunted, putting the flames out with a few well placed Mercury Bubbles, and pondering actually hitting the girl herself with them as well. Holding back almost got her killed against Tsukuyomi, and she surely wouldn't kill this girl if she hit her in the arms or legs.

Actually hitting her would be a problem, either way; she moved almost as fast as herself, and Akira was fast enough even out of the water and without her Senshi powers.

"Come on, that can't be all!" Akira protested, running after her and enveloping her with mist, just to see the girl hopping back athletically, escaping her immediate range and blasting her path with even more pavement cracking bursts of fire. Akira had to resort to running in zig-zag, dodging the flames at each step while attempting to close on her. "I'm sure we can find common ground if we try hard enough!"

The next sneeze snapped Nanoha awake, rubbing her nose.

"Oh, you're so annoying!" the stranger huffed, gesturing with a hand and telekinetically loosening several cables from the ceiling, setting them ablaze and trying to wrap them around Sailor Mercury's body. One of them managed to snare part of her skirt and burn it, making her yelp in surprises. Akira rolled aside again, putting the flames out with several quick pats of her hands. Fortunately, her gloves were much thicker than they seemed. "When will you understand I don't want to talk with you? Only go away or burn!"

Fate sneezed so loudly she and her bedmate Hotaru woke up.

Akira inhaled deeply, getting herself mentally ready before going for broke. She took a brief step back and sprang forward with an imitation of a move she had seen Minako use on Youma. "SAILOR MERCURY KICK!"

Minako sneezed.

"What?" the other girl blinked, not expecting a frontal attack, confident the high temperatures around her would continue keeping her enemy away. The hot air sizzled as the warrior of ice flew through it, aiming a foot straight at her face. With practiced skill, the pigtailed girl blocked the kick with both forearms, but as Akira fell down, she stopped her fall by slamming both hands against the floor, then swung her other leg, catching the fire user by surprise in the chest and slamming her against a wall.

"Stop it before you force me to hurt you!" she pleaded. "Talk to me!"

Nanoha sneezed loudly enough to make her bounce on her bed. "Oh, I hope I don't have a cold…"

The fire user smirked, getting back to her feet. "Not bad. Still, you aren't going to—"

The swimmer, deciding to make good use of her speed, didn't give her time to continue, connecting a fist with her face. She knew the punch had no technique and, in Minako's words, had no 'power' either, meaning it had no precision or skill helping it. She was relying on her pure brute strength and speed, but if that was all she had, she'd make good use of it.

The girl retaliated by slapping her several times like a whirlwind, her hands ablaze and leaving slight scorch marks on her cheeks. If she had been in her unmorphed state, the burns would have been serious. "My name's Homura!" she said. "That's all you've earned knowing on me!" Expertly, she elbowed Akira in the stomach, forcing her back to put her in position for another fire blast. "It was a mistake, getting close for melee! I've been trained to fight from childhood, while you—" she snarled while punching her in the nose with literally burning knuckles when Akira tried to close in again, "—I can tell you lack any training just by looking at you!"

"True," Akira rubbed the blood off her nose, backing away and preparing an attack of her own. "But I can learn on the fly! MERCURY BUBBLES!"

She shot the bubbles straight towards her, making them deliberately slow so they wouldn't land a fatal hit. As expected, the girl countered them with her fire, and the clash of water and flames shot steam in all directions, covering the whole area with a gaseous blanket that made Homura cough and real to get out of the heat.

Taking advantage of that momentary distraction, and remembering her mistakes while fighting Tsukuyomi, Akira struck again, her goggles allowing her enough vision through the mist, and her power guarding her from the heat to let her land a good punch on Homura's face, immediately followed by a second and third one before she could recover.

Sailor Mercury knew she had the strength edge over her enemy, whose strong points seemed to be on her long range capacities and her skills. If she hit her hard and fast enough without giving her any breathing room, maybe she could put her down quickly and without too much to trouble…

Nanoha's next sneeze made her fall off her bed.

This was why she hated fighting. It made her feel dirty. Evil.

Homura fell down on her butt, coughing hard. "Had enough, Homura-san?" Sailor Mercury asked.

"Never!" the girl snarled, and her eyes grew redder, flames exploding out of her pores and burning all her clothes of, surrounding her like an actual human torch as little horns grew on her head. She sprang back to her now bare feet with renewed energy, and the air around her became nearly impossible to breathe. "I won't disappoint my lady! No matter what! Prepare to die, you… you interloper!" she cried.

Akira exhaled and wondered what had she ever done to deserve this.

"Please tell me you have some spare clothes nearby," Akari said. "Otherwise, you might catch a cold…"

"Oh, don't worry, I always carry spares."

"Oh, good."

And once more, the fight was on.

….

Interlude: The Shield

Tokyo.

"Visits, Master?" Shield asked flatly from where she sat, hands perfectly placed on her lap.

Rei sighed, looking out of the window. "Yes. My fiancé. He will come tomorrow to have dinner with us. I have told you you're my new housemaid, Mrs. Shields. He's a discreet man and won't ask any further."

The Servant cocked her head slightly aside, looking intrigued more than anything else. "I had thought you were far too young to be engaged. Back in my homeland, it would be habitual for a woman your age to be already married, but I understood your customs were different."

Rei pondered asking about her origin country for a moment, but she knew Shield was reluctant to talk about her past, and she didn't want to pressure her. Instead, she replied honestly. "Well, to be fair, it's not official yet. But it's all but a fact it'll be announced in a couple years. Arranged marriages are all but a forgotten relic here, but our case is… special. Like I told you, my father holds a very high position at the Japanese government, and my fiance is… the son of the Japanese Prime Minister himself."

Shield lifted an eyebrow as Rei showed her a portrait she had on a coffee table. It held a picture of a very tall and thin, handsome young man with curly dark hair and green eyes. "His name's Kururugi Suzaku," Rei informed.

"You do not sound like a woman in love, if I may be so bold," the Servant stated, respectful yet cold and distant.

"We don't love each other, that's why," Rei shrugged casually. "Oh, we're friends, don't get me wrong. He's a polite, gentle, caring and decent person, although too… single minded and stubborn at times. But we cannot love each other."

"I see," the blond woman said, not really sounding like she was expecting anything else on the subject. Yet Rei kept on talking.

"Suzaku-kun is… well, how to say it without sounding offensive or anything…"

"So manly he needs a man to satisfy him?" Shield guessed.

Rei had to laugh a bit. "Oh, yes, so much! I mean, not like maybe you're thinking. In truth, he has told me there's only one person he ever has loved. A childhood friend he used to have. But that person… just couldn't love him as anything but a friend."

"Oh," the blonde said.

Hino sighed again, leaning on the window, looking at the doves flying outside. "We can't go against our parents' wills, of course. Most likely, we'll end up marrying anyway. We'll attempt to make it work, have two or three children to keep up appearances and continue the lineage, and we'll hope and pray our marriage doesn't destroy our friendship."

"Or you could win the Grail War," the Servant added.

Rei smirked with determination. "Yes. Or I could do just that!" Her spirits sunk down again. "But in all truth, I have better things to wish for."

"Master," the woman with the mismatched eyes said, "I don't wish to tell you what to do, but you should do what you really think is best, not only for you, but for everyone else."

"I know."

She rose and put a hand on her shoulder. "Trust me when I tell you, there are far worse fates than an arranged marriage."

Rei side-looked at her. "Huh?"

The woman's unevenly colored irises stared into the distance, full of dry detachment. "Yes. Far, far worse things…"

Rei felt her sadness for a moment, and even so, she also felt it was even better than ever before to avoid making questions.

She only put a hand on the taller female's shoulder in return. "Whatever those things were, they can't hurt you now."

"No," she disagreed, her voice soft and absent. "They'll haunt and hurt me forever."

Rei could do nothing but squeezing the shoulder tighter.

….

Victory…?

"It's over!" Negi cried as he rushed past the now shredded monkeys littering his path, leveling his staff towards Chigusa, who already had Kuro's sword and Nodoka's dagger also trained on her. "You're cornered from all sides, clearly outnumbered, with no way out! You already lost one hostage, and even if you slipped away, we could follow you anywhere! You have no logical choice but to surrender!"

"Yes, PLEASE surrender," Kuro said. "We'd appreciate the novelty."

"Shut up!" Chigusa still barked. "Hah! If you truly think you have defeated me, it only proves how childish you are! An experienced mage like me could never be defeated by a random bunch of brats like you! Back away, before I do something so hideous and drastic it'll shatter your puny minds forever!"

Nodoka half-scowled in disbelief. "You aren't going to be pathetic enough to try and run away after this, are you?"

Chigusa blinked, stood perfectly still for a few moments, and then turned around and ran for the nearest window. "Ah ha ha ha ha! Knowing is one thing! Being able to stop me is another!"

Kuro sweatdropped. "She IS pathetic enough..."

"Well, I guess it's either that or just giving up. At least she'll try to the end..." Psycho Purple nearly sympathized.

"Undecim Spiritus Aerialis, Vinculum Facti Inimicum Captem!" Negi cried, casting eleven arrows of wind that zoomed on the fleeing woman. "SAGITTA MAGICA AER CAPTURAE!"

"AH!" Chigusa yelled, shielding herself with Maga Alba's body. "No, it can't end like this!-!"

"Oh, no!" Negi gasped. "Diverge!" he added quickly, making the arrows fly out of their intended original path, impacting on the nearby walls and floor instead.

Chigusa opened her eyes again. "Huh?" She blinked twice. "Ah, ah, yes, I still have the ultimate trump card." She reached for a dart between the inner folds of her clothes, raising her hand up and going for Konoka's milky throat. "No matter your powers, you can't do anything as long as I still can just sink this into her at the first sign of—"

Before the hand was able to reach its target, however, a bolt of electricity hit it, making her drop the dart, which rolled down the floor until Kuro snapped it under a foot. Chisame, looking unamused as Hell, leveled her scepter at Chigusa now. "Just don't."

"Consider this a favor," Kuro chirped. "What AngelGARd or Twilight Red might do to you if they saw that is too horrible to contemplate."

Chigusa's lips trembled in a mixture of outrage, confusion and refusal to accept defeat. "Why, damn you... You meddling kids! You'll pay for this with your—"

Then she blinked as the floor under them trembled, and the window behind her shattered, most of the pieces just falling down, but a few of them getting sent flying, getting stuck on her monkey suit's back. She shrieked, scrambling out of the way and instinctively shielding her Ojou-sama, her ticket to success, with her own body as Nodoka grabbed Kuro and did the same to her, protected by her thick, heavy clothes.

Negi blinked, astonished. If the woman hadn't been wearing that costume, she'd have been grievously cut herself. Who—?

The wall crumbled down, and through its falling remains passed a gigantic machine with bright red eyes which flashed in all directions. It was imposing. It was towering. It rumbled like an emissary of hell, so loudly the ears of everyone in the vicinity began to ache.

It was bunny shaped.

Chisame's jaw slacked. "Now what the hell...?"

Deathnote sniffed. "Horrible aesthetic design."

Kuro sighed as she switched places with Nodoka, blades raised. "Supervillains… no grasp of economics at ALL!"

A female voice came out of the machine, distorted and amplified, repeating a maddening mantra over and over in English.

"I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late..."

Then the machine guns charged on each side of the mecha opened fire.

"... And so are you!"

….

Interlude

Evangeline frowned up from her PSP, where she was playing the historical strategy game "Ala Rubra Tactics VII" and trying to kill the Arika unit as quickly as possible, at the noise from the hallway. "What the heck is going on out there?" she muttered in annoyance, pausing the game and getting to her feet.

She opened the door to her room, took a look around the hallway and barked, "Boya! Princess! Keep it down, I'm trying to beat the bonus boss on the Istanbul level!"

"S-sorry master!" Negi said as he incapacitated two of the inn's staff as quietly as possible. "We'll try to be quieter…"

Evangeline nodded sharply, muttering a few melodic lines of 'Pale moon' under her breath, and slammed her door shut, getting back to her game.

Chachamaru looked concerned. "Shouldn't we help them?"

"Nah, the Boya enjoys this sort of thing," Evangeline said as she started equipping her party for the boss. "Why don't you think about kittens or something?"

Asuna scowled at Eva's door as she put one staffer in a sleeper hold. "She could have helped… last time I buy her a game for Christmas…"

….

Victory!

The mechanical vehicle rose on sturdy rabbit-like legs, spraying fire in all directions. The ammo looked like larger scale versions of the bullets Gretel had been using, but once again, no one was exactly eager to verify their deadliness or lack of it. Negi pushed Chisame with himself out of the line of fire and behind a pole, while Kuro did the same with Psycho Purple.

An unhinged American accented laugh came from the cockpit, distorted through the speakers. "Oh, my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date!"

"Chisame-san..." Negi said.

"Working on it!" his roommate sweated, putting her sprites to work again. "Just give me two minutes of life and I'll bring that oversized flying can down!"

Seeing her chance, Chigusa's eyes glinted. She hopped on the window's frame and lifted a hand up, tossing an oversized paper charm into the air. "Come forth, Sarutaro-sama, master of skies! Take me along to the heights of untold victories!"

A gigantic monkey with vacant eyes and an extremely long tail materialized in mid-air, floating above Chigusa. "Oh, no, you won't escape!" Sakurazaki roared, dashing from an angle the crazed machine wasn't covering. "ZANGAN—"

She cursed to herself as the gunfire tilted around, now forcing her to dash aside in the absolute last second, interrupting the attack as she changed directions. But that also left Negi's side open, and despite Chisame's cry of warning, the boy took the chance to jump out, sliding below the hovering machine, taking advantage of the fact it apparently couldn't shoot straight down, and rushing to Chigusa's side. "Don't you ever give up?" the woman snarled, reaching up to grab the monkey's tail. "I'm as good as gone! You'll never—"

He gritted his teeth and pushed his staff up, pressing it against her throat. "Exarmatio."

"Ah?" she blinked.

And then the monkey suit exploded from her body. Along with the clothes she had been wearing beneath it, which became only rags floating in the breeze in two seconds. Startled, gasping aloud, her fingers loosened, and she dropped Konoka into Negi's arms below. A split second later, she was too busy clinging back to the flying monkey's tail for dear life to stop him from recoiling with the just rescued captive to an eager AngelGARd's side.

Tsukuyomi perked up in place, her tiny nose twitching. "Sexy Nudity sense, tingling!" she chirped, pushing Setsuna back with two crazed slashes more before happily hopping with expert skill around the bullets, grabbing Hansel by an arm along the way. The boy groaned in pain, since he had been laying on the floor with a bleeding mouth after his just finished skirmish with the Dark Knight.

Batman blinked while seeing the clothes-damaged little assassin jumping so easily around the deafening gunfire, despite having her glasses broken, and obviously near-blind. That barely distracted him, however, and he could easily finish Gretel with a swift uppercut to the jaw.

Chao lifted an eyebrow. "Not terribly mindful of children's rights, huh?"

"Only when they charge at me with deadly weaponry," he tersely said.

"What about when you put them in colorful underwear to go fight armed psychos?" Chao mused again.

"That's not a matter to discuss here or now..."

"Homura!" Chigusa shrieked, trying to cover her crotch with the hand not grabbing the monkey's tail. She was pushing herself with her bare feet off the outside of the wall, trying to fly away as soon as she could. "Abort! Retreat immediately!"

Homura snorted from where she and Akira had basically fallen into a standstill of tossing fire and water attacks that neutered each other around, steam covering their whole surroundings. "Curses! I knew we should have put My Lady in charge of this operation!"

Before Akira could stop her, she jumped around to Gretel's side, picked her up in her arms, and quickly rolled to Chigusa's side with her, blocking access to them with a few well placed and fast acting walls of flames. "What about White Rabbit?"

Chigusa snarled, looking at the bunny vehicle shooting around madly, keeping everyone at bay but also seeming unable to tell friend from foe anymore. "She's fallen way down the rabbit hole. We're better off without her!"

As they all clung to the floating monkey suit, looking like grapes hanging from a branch, Chisame made a brief ecstatic sound. "Eureka! I did it!"

White Rabbit blinked as her battle machine's controls jammed up, and her weapons all locked down into inactivity. "What the—?"

Then her vehicle plummeted like a dead weight, despite her curses and attempts to kick it back into action. "What's wrong with you? Take off again! Take off again! We still have work to do—"

An armored black glove broke through her front window. "Eep!"

And that strong hand pulled her out forcefully, forcing her to stare directly at the narrowed icy eyes of the Batman.

"I'm late, I'm late, I'm late...!"

"They're getting away!" Negi began to mount his staff. "But I can still—!"

Sakurazaki stopped him, placing a hand on his shoulder. "No, Sensei. We already got the Ojou-samas, and the local authorities will arrive soon. A chase now will only draw the wrong kind of attention to everyone..."

"Trust us, this won't be the last time you see them!" Haruna stepped ahead closely followed by Yue, and dusting herself off grandly. "Is everyone okay? Archer-chan? Chao-chan? Chiu-chan?"

"DON'T CALL ME 'CHIU-CHAN'!-!-!"

"Ah, as well as ever, I see..."

….

….

Mission: Accomplished!

"Well," Chisame breathed out, "I guess, since we're apparently playing superhero now, at least we got the most important part of superheroics right."

"What?" Deathnote asked. "The satisfaction of a well done job? The joy of saving innocent lives? The near-sexual thrill of knowing you look darn good in your spiffy clothes while kicking bad guy butt?"

Chisame pointed around them, at all the wreckage of the station, riddled with bullets and full of scorched spots and broken furniture. "The massive damage to public property!" she barked.

"Eh, heh heh heh..." Deathnote laughed weakly. "Yeah, well, it can't be helped at times... We've gotten kinda used to someone setting up a barrier to keep that from happening."

"And who are you anyway?" Chisame now pointed at Akira. "I mean, yeah, I know you introduced yourself as 'Sailor Mercury', but what's your real name? I swear you look familiar, but..."

"Ah, eh, well, I—" the Sailor Senshi stuttered, "I'm, I'm only an average student who, um, tries to do well. My name isn't really important."

Chisame blinked. "Socially awkward, awful with excuses, tall, big breasted and tongue tied before a straight question? Asahina-sempai, is that you?"

Akira facefaulted.

Maga Alba, meanwhile, was waking up in her Setsuna's arms. "Ojou-sama! Thank goodness you're all right..."

Konoe smiled slowly. "Setchan, always here for me... Thank you..." She giggled, seeing her cute blush. "You know, this happens every time I visit home. But I don't mind as long as I get thi—"

Sakurazaki seemed to choke on her own saliva.

"Set-chan?" Maga Alba asked.

"N-Nothing! I just swallowed too much smoke generated by Homura!"

Konoe blinked. "Homura-han was here...?"

"Yeah. Luckily, Laughing Boy himself wasn't with her," Haruna said, while drawing a set of clothes for her. "Here, Konoka-chan! These should suffice while Negi-kun brings your card!"

"Who's this 'Laughing Boy'?" Matoi asked them, ignoring, just like everyone else, the panting and exhausted Chamo dragging himself to the site.

"Oh, you'll meet him soon enough," Haruna said. "I warn you, it won't be a pleasant experience, but—"

"I think a full preview isn't really necessary, Deathnote," Valkyrie Black opined.

"Hey, what if he's brought the rest of his girls as well? You know how Shirabe almost killed us!"

"Almost what?-!" Chisame said.

"Deathnote, don't scare them!" Psycho Purple said before moving closer to where Batman was questioning the White Rabbit, open book in hand.

"Too late, I'm already freaking scared!" Chisame said. "No one said we'd be facing a bunch of crazed murderers here!"

"Tch, most of them won't turn out so bad," Haruna waved a hand. "Although Tsukuyomi's a lost cause, but that's obvious enough at first sight..."

"Deathnote, enough!" Yue said. "You may be giving them the wrong idea! We don't know how different things may play here!"

Meanwhile, the local Setsuna eyed the Konoka in her arms with concern. "S-She isn't waking up yet..."

"Give her time," Kuro said. "She's still far weaker than Maga Alba-chan. Her vital signs are okay, so you don't have to worry at all."

Haruna chuckled. "Maybe she only needs a kiss of True Love to wake up...!" she teased playfully.

Setsuna, both of them, shot her a hostile glare.

Negi blinked. "Like a fairy tale? But that'd require a prince's kiss, wouldn't it? Where could we find a prince here?"

The assembled Ala Alba members and Kuro looked at his innocent, stunned face for a moment, then looked at each other, and then shared a chuckle.

"What's so funny?" Chisame groaned, only wanting to go home already.

"Nothing," Yue shook her head, faintly amused. "It's only our little private joke..."

….

Questions, Questions…

Psycho Purple walked over to where the Batman had White Rabbit tied up and hanging upside down from the ceiling, her long red hair and fake bunny ears almost touching the floor.

Familiar with the patterns of the Wonderland gang, the caped figure started, "The time has come to talk of many things..."

"Of shoes! And ships! And sealing wax!" the woman continued, almost eagerly.

"Of cabbages and kings..." he went on.

"And why the sea is boiling hot..." she hissed.

"And whether pigs have wings," Batman finished, before grabbing her collar and growling on her face. "Where's Hatter?-!"

"I'm late, I'm late, I'm late..." she repeated again, eyes growing very wide. "Off with my head, off with my head, off with my head..."

Nodoka sighed and asked, "What's your name?"

"Eh...?" the henchwoman babbled, even as Nodoka's finger began to trace out a name in the air.

Lorina Dodson.

"Okay, Lorina," Nodoka exhaled calmly, deciding to drop the honorifics. Most foreigners didn't particularly care for the, and frankly, she wasn't in the mood. "Where are you hiding?"

I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late! was all that appeared on the pages, next to schizophrenic looking doodles of the henchwoman herself with her head on a chopping block, and Chigusa and a short man with a very tall top hat holding axes near her.

Batman tightened his grip on the collar. "She asked you a question."

"Eeep!" White Rabbit whimpered, and blurted out, "Old storage house of the Fujino Corporation, right out the city! But we were going to leave tonight anyway, after grabbing the girl! I don't know where we would go after that, honest! Please don't kill me..."

The whole text was in English, but Nodoka was very good with that language, particularly after studying under Negi. "She's telling the truth."

Batman grunted, releasing the collar and pinning a tiny note with a Bat emblem on it to the Rabbit's chest, who paled even more visibly under her white makeup. "I'm going to need an exact address."

Nodoka tried to decipher the confusing text on the pages now. "It's going to be difficult. Not only does she not know any reference points, nor the streets' names, but she's also so scared she's having problems thinking straight. All she can think of is not wanting to die..." A pause. "But it seems the place is located at the East side of the outskirts. Just do a search through the Fujino Corp warehouses of that area, and you might find some clues left behind."

"Hnh," Batman looked down at the book. "An interesting object."

"Th-Thanks," Miyazaki nodded stiffly.

"Fujino?" Chisame asked. "Like as in Fujino Shizuru, the School Council President? Her family's rich, and she comes from Kyoto. Do you think they own that place?"

"It looks that way, ne?" Chao asked back. "But I'm sure Shizuru-sempai herself is innocent. I know her well..."

"That's reassuring," Chisame snarked, while nearly all of Ala Alba have her dirty, looks, suspicion not so much crossing their faces as running across it screaming at the top of its lungs, wearing a sandwich board and waving a sign all saying "WE DON'T BELIEVE YOU, YOU FILTHY TIME-TRAVELING LIAR!", but any further words on the subject were interrupted when the local Konoka began stirring and opening her eyes in Setsuna's arms.

….

Taiho Shizauho!

"Setchan...?"

"I'm right here, Ojou-sama," she said in the softest voice she could manage.

Konoka's eyes didn't open all the way, and her vision was blurry and shaky, but the tearful smile on Setsuna's face was clearly visible to her, and it made her smile weakly in turn. She reached up with a hand that felt as heavy as the whole world, touching her pale cheek with cold fingers. "Why are you crying, Setchan...?"

"My face is wet, that's all, Ojou-sama," she replied, sniffing new tears back.

"Ah," Konoka seemed to find no need to know why they were sopping wet. Or even why she was naked. "I don't like it when you call me Ojou-sama, but you've smiled to me for the first time in years, so that makes up for it..." Her lips smacked sleepily. "Who's there?" She tried to look around. "Negi-kun?"

"I'm right here, Konoka-san!" the tiny teacher moved close quickly, followed by a reluctant Chisame and Chao. "H-How are you feeling?"

"Ah, Negi-kun..." Konoka seemed too out to it to answer correctly. "What a pretty dress, Chisame-chan... Why are you wearing only a robe, Chao-chan?" There was a yawn. "Is this a costume party? That girl over there looks like Honya-chan..."

"Calm down, Ojou-sama," Setsuna begged. "Don't strain yourself..."

Konoka looked up at her again. "Setchan, Yomi-chan was here, wasn't she? I saw her right before... before..."

"Shhhh," Setsuna said very tenderly. "It's okay. We'll talk about it later..."

"Mm-kayyy..." she nuzzled her head against Setsuna's flat chest. "Where's Asuna-chan? I wanted to ask her... about..." Then exhaustion claimed her again, and she began making tiny sleeping sounds.

"Looks like she'll take a while longer to recover completely, unless..." Kuro looked at the now-dressed Maga Alba.

Konoe nodded. "I'll heal her, of course! But maybe we should get her to the Inn first? We'll set her on her futon and then I'll heal her up, so she doesn't wake up here and start asking questions."

"It's only a matter of short time before she learns, why bother?" Haruna mumbled, looking aside.

"Remember, the less we change, the better," Yue lectured.

"I think it's a bit too late for that..." Haruna's gaze rolled towards Chao, who was looking up and down at them.

"Hey, where's that Batman guy?" Chisame asked all of a sudden, looking in all directions only to find no sign of him.

"He was here only a moment ago..." Nodoka blinked.

"Yeah, Green Lantern-chan said that's pretty much his trademark shtick, isn't it?" Paru asked. "By the way, we'd better get out of here now, too. I think those are police cars coming in..."

Chisame sighed at the sounds of the patrols. "Like in any two bit action movie, the police only comes after the bad guys are defeated, huh? Why do I get the feeling things are like that for you guys all the time?" she grumbled, grabbing Negi by a hand and beginning to drag him with her the opposite way.

"Well, if police could handle everything, then we wouldn't even have to do this whole Magical Girl business," Yue began leaving as well. "For what its worth, the magical authorities are better at helping. At least when they feel like their secrecy isn't at risk. It helps we have political leverage."

"They can't even wipe their butts without us," Haruna snorted, as Nodoka contacted Erebus with her card and told him they were okay. "And to think they once had the gall to consider mind wiping us after everything we did for them!"

White Rabbit sobbed to herself as she saw them leaving. "Late, late, late, late..."

Then a few flashlights fell on her. Two policewomen, one tall and thin with black hair, and the other one shorter but with a more athletic build and short brown hair were the first ones to appear into her view, training guns on her.

"What's this? One of those American clowns from Central City?" the brown haired one sneered.

"Actually, it looks like a Gotham one, Natsumi," the other woman said with an air of serenity. "Despite the makeup, it looks like she fits the description of the woman who attacked Nakajima-kun at the station."

"Well, she'd have to be, Miyuki," Tsujimoto Natsumi said. "I mean, how many other costumed weirdos can there be in this peaceful, normal city?"

Somewhere in their run back, the whole of Ala Alba and Chisame sneezed.

"You'll need a hot bath as soon as we get back, or you'll catch a cold..." Chao noted.

"Strike-Man doesn't count?" Kobayakawa Miyuki asked slyly.

"Don't remind me about that wacko vigilante!" Natsumi growled before grinning an aiming the gun between White Rabbit's eyes. "Okay, sister, let's do it the American way then! You have the right to stay silent like a good bunny rabbit, yadda yadda, the whole nine yards! You're Under Arrest!"

Miyuki blinked. "Is that a Batman note on her chest...?"

….

….

The Time-Traveling Bitch

As everyone turned to head back to the inn, Kuro saw a flash out of the corner of her eye. She turned, frowning as she scanned the horizon. What was…?

The flash occurred again, a small, bright flicker of light from the peak of a distant building. Her frown deepened. The flash was too small and irregular to be a building's light, but to visible and consistent to be the same. As a test, she moved a few yards to the side and lost sight of the light.

A few moments later, it flickered back into view. Well. It was obviously being directed at her. As she watched, it stopped, and began a regular passing. It took her a while to decipher the morse code. E. M. I. Y. A.

"Archer?" Deathnote called, and Kuro blinked, redirecting her gaze. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good," Kuro said. She eyed the flashes. "You guys go on ahead. I've got somewhere to be."

Chisame blinked at her. "Where do you have to be at this hour of the night?"

"Red light district," Kuro chirped instantly. "I need a recharge, and the really amoral hookers should be out around now."

"Get three or four so you're filled up right," Deathnote chirped.

Negi blinked. "What?"

"DON'T THINK ABOUT IT!" everyone else chorused.

Kuro grinned widely. "Well, gotta go. I'll try to be back before morning. Toodles!" She jumped into the night.

"Wait!" Sailor Mercury cried. "What about my explan—"

Deathnote put a hand on her shoulder. "Eh, she'll be back. Come on, I'll draw you a pumpkin carriage to ride in…"

Kuro tried to keep her Reinforcement as efficient as possible. The fight hadn't used up a lot of prana, but she wasn't as sure to get recharged now, and despite how much power Asuna and Konoka had, the power transfer wasn't as efficient with Asuna as it was with Illya, and Setsuna would murder her if she drained Konoka.

As she reached the building she was aiming for, she paused, powering down as she landed on the fire escape. It wasn't a very tall building, and she slowly climbed the metal stairs, conserving her energy.

She pulled herself over the top of the roof access ladder, and extended her senses, letting her instincts— or rather, the instincts of the Heroic Spirit whose power and skills she had— make out the place. She felt a presence, saw the person waiting for her as she turned to look.

"Busy night?" they said, crossing their arms and gazing out over the dark city. "Your speedster seems to have knocked out the power grid when she tore out that pole."

"Actually, Matoi-chan is a stalker," Kuro breezily corrected. "She's just REALLY motivated by love."

They blinked. "Matoi? Wh— no, never mind. How are you guys coming along?"

Kuro have her a flat look. "Did you set this up?"

They snorted. "This unholy mess? Of course not. If I set it up, you'd never notice unless I told you."

"You showed up at our castle with a name tag of your real name to deliver Archer-niisama's will," Kuro said, voice still flat. "And his costume."

"Exactly!" Chao Lingshen chirped. "If I hadn't, Ala Alba would never have known I had anything with the Book of Darkness."

"And this is why Asuna calls you a bitch," Kuro said, moving out of the wind. "It's a real pain being your agent."

"Now, now," Chao said. "Everything is going to plan…"

Kuro twitched. "I hate it when you say that…"

….

With The Librarians

Akira found the upholstery of the pumpkin carriage to be very comfortable. It was orange, plush, and there was also plenty of legroom. It actually kinda reminded her of a limo.

"A pumpkin?-!" Valkyrie Black was saying to Deathnote. "REALLY?-! A pumpkin! What, there wasn't anything MORE ostentatious, like a BATMOBILE?"

Deathnote— Haruna, Akira was increasingly certain— just laughed it off. "Oh, relax Valkyrie-chi! It'a not like anyone's going to give a damn. What are they going to do, arrest us for riding produce?"

"Subtlety is a non-existent concept for you, isn't it?" Valkyrie said, rolling her eyes and flouncing onto her seat.

Psycho Purple let out a small laugh that Akira couldn't help joining. As she stifled the reaction, she caught Valkyrie-almost-certainly-Yue looking at her, and gave an embarrassed smile.

Psycho Purple coughed. "Um… she said hesitantly. "I guess we have things to talk about…"

Akira blinked, then remembered. "Shouldn't we wait for… Kuro-san?"

Deathnote waved a negligent hand. "Nah, she's got some kinda vow of mysteriousness going on. She's inconsistent about giving straight answers."

"Oh… I see…" Akira said. What else was there to say?

As Akira wondered how to lead the conversation, Valkyrie reached up and took off her helmet, shaking her hair free. It was bright orange, and woven into a multitude of braids, making Akira blink in confusion. Valkyrie wore a mask beneath the helmet, and Akira briefly wondered if she'd accused too quickly. The face behind the mask seemed too different, and Yue would never wear her hair like that. Then the girl took off the domino mask, and suddenly it was Yue, face subtly sharper, slightly older, but definitely her, despite the bright orange hair.

As Akira stared, Yue calmly folded her hands over the helmet on her lap and said, "Well… I suppose we need to make some things clear for Sailor Mercury-san, or things might be a little awkward."

"Y-Yue?" Akira stuttered. "When did you dye your hair?"

"That's just it," Yue said. "I'm not Yue. Or at least, not the Yue you think…"

"Ah, I believe we've stumbled onto the part of that doesn't make sense to normal people," Deathnote said, taking of her gaudy, egregiously (DRINK!) ostentatious mask, and suddenly she was Haruna, her hair bright pink, face subtly different, breasts a little larger. She grinned at Akira, twirling her feather quill in her hand. "You'd think we'd practice doing this, but we're usually too busy."

A dark suspicion began to whisper at Akira, a whisper that had green hair and wielded a magic crow bar…

Psycho Purple pulled back her cat-eared hood, and her face became Nodoka's as she took off her mask, and Akira wondered what was with those masks. She concentrated, but only felt a mild tingle from them. Magic then, but not too powerful.

Nodoka smiled shyly at Akira, her hair longer and more blue than purple. One hand lay on top of the strange book she'd been carrying all night, fingers curled, that strange piece of jewelry she wore tapping on the cover. "Um, well, the truth is that… that…" She shuffled uncomfortably.

"What is it?" Akira said, growing slightly impatient. You'd think a girl who would charge the leader of some kind of evil organization with nothing but a small knife would be more assertive but then again, it was Nodoka… "Are you secret twins? Clones? Doubles from another dimension?"

The three librarians blinked. "Wow," Haruna said. "Right on the third try!"

Akira stared at Haruna, then slumped back on her seat, her head banging on the wall of the pumpkin. Repeatedly.

Yue nodded in understanding. "Yeah, I feel like that a lot too."

"How did this happen?" Akira asked, once she'd finished.

Nodoka and Yue exchanged a look, but Haruna didn't even do that. "Well, you see, we and a couple of our classmates were sorta caught in the blast radius of one of Hakase's experiments that went horribly wrong—"

"Of course," Akira said.

"— and we ended up here. We somehow met the local Negi-sensei, and he somehow talked his roommates to let us stay over in exchange for Hakase getting to look at Chachamaru—"

"Chachamaru?" Akira frowned. Yue and Nodoka exchanged more glances.

"Oh, in our world Chachamau is a Martian combat robot who somehow managed to overcome her programming to take over the world," Haruna said easily. "Anyway, Negi-sensei is putting us up, but then Tsunetsuki-san found out because she was snooping around—"

"Of course," Akira said.

"And has since fallen in love with our Chisame— you saw her back in the fight just now— and has been angling for a threesome with her and your Chisame. Anyway, our Evangeline— who ended up here too— is being possessed by some kind of weird singing spirit and the only cure for her is here in Kyoto. So we kinda left your Eva tied up back in Mahora and our Eva took her place on the class trip," Haruna kept on explaining, face perfectly straight. "The rest of us joined the trip using pills that made us look younger that we really were…"

Akira snapped her fingers. "The hair! You're Sawa-chan!" She blinked, then looked disgusted. "Oh, that's just CREEPY!"

"It's Haruna, what do you expect," Yue said.

"And that's why we're not who you think we are," Haruna finished.

Akira frowned. "Then, the other children…"

"Us," Haruna said. "No one cares what children do. It's the perfect cover."

Akira looked at the car ahead, where Chisame, the Konokas, and everyone else has ridden. "And Negi-sensei?" she asked.

"Ours," Hauma said, face not changing. "Your world's sensei is still asleep and knows nothing of what happened. Ditto for your Chisame. She switched with ours because she won the coin toss to see who had to deal with Matoi-chan."

As Akira nodded in comprehension, Yue and Nodoka stared at Haruna, awestruck.

"So," Haruna chirped as Akira finished nodding. "Who are you?"

"Who... Who am I?" Akira gulped and tapped her fingers on her knees. "Well, like I said before, my name's really not important..."

The other girls only kept looking at her.

"I'm just a normal person. You probably don't even know me..."

"You know us, and our real identities aren't exactly superstars," Yue said.

"Out of Ariadne and the Yaoi doujin circles," Haruna supplied.

"Well, yeah, out of those," Yue conceded. "So that must mean you're a student of 3-A."

Akira feigned a laugh. "M-My, that's quite a big assumption, isn't it? I could also be... could be... a teacher?" she offered lamely.

The girls kept staring at her.

Mercury nearly whimpered. "Please don't force me. Seriously, I'd tell you if the secret was only mine, but if I tell you my identity, you could guess Sailor Venus' as well, and she'd never forgive me..."

"Huh, you're loyal," Haruna said.

"That doesn't narrow it a lot," Yue pondered.

"You talk too much to be Zazie-chan, too little to be me. Too tall to be Nodo-chan, Yue-chan or the twins. Logically not Chachamaru, Eva or—" Haruna rubbed her chin on circles.

Seeing a repeat of Kuro's deduction coming up, Akira motioned for her to stop. "Please, no. At least not in my presence," she begged.

Deathnote rolled her eyes. "Fine! Have it your way. But it's a bad move, you know! Magical Girls should stay united, never keeping key juicy secrets from each other!"

Akira apologized with a bow. "Please allow me to consult it with my superior first. It'd be rude for me to act otherwise."

Nodoka spoke next. "Th-Then Venus-san is the only active Sailor Senshi other than you?"

Akira nodded. "How many other Sailor Senshi do you know?"

"Well, in our world, Venus-chan was the first one to awaken, yeah," Haruna reminisced. "Then there was Sailor Moon, and the local Mercury-chan. After that came Mars-chan, Jupiter-chan, Chibi Moon-chan, Neptune-san, Uranus-san. And Pluto-san, although apparently she was active behind the scenes since... I dunno, the beginning of civilization? It's so hard to tell with her. Then they were joined by Saturn-san. Then a few months ago, Sailor Krypton shows up. Yes, THAT Krypton. Nice girl, good taste in Yaoi manga. "

"Wait, exactly how many do those make?-!" Mercury gasped hard.

"Honestly, I'm not sure," Haruna confessed. "I heard there's one for every celestial body in the Milky Way Galaxy, and possibly others, though except for the Solar System ones, most were killed during the past ten thousand years or so, and the rest were brainwashed by evil forces and fought the Solar System Senshi a couple of years ago, before the time our Negi-sensei came to our school. But don't fret yet, that won't happen until after you reach several power ups..."

Akira slumped down on her seat. "I feel ill."

"Still too new in the business, aren't you?" Paru smirked. "You'll get used to it eventually! You should be proud! As one of the first Mahou Shoujo in this world, you'll become a role model and sempai for generations of Magical Girls all across the globe!"

Akira's mind boggled. "This... This is too much for me!"

Nodoka patted her right shoulder sympathetically. "We'll help you as much as we can. It must be hard, coming into this almost on your own, with only one teammate so far..."

Mercury sighed. "Well, actually, I have teamed up with other Magical Girls before. I'll admit you aren't the first people from another universe I've met."

"Eh?-!" the three librarians chorused.

"Around week and a half ago, I was accidentally transported to another world where I teamed up with Joker-chan, Luthor-chan, Batgirl-chan, Freeze-chan, Riddler-chan and Clayface-chan..."

Yue, Nodoka and Haruna choked on their saliva.

"And then, Venus-san and I also teamed up with that ghost hunting girl with the sword, and the talking superhero duck, Vigilante-san, but of course, it isn't the same thing..." Ookuchi mused.

"Joker?" Nodoka blinked.

"Duck?" Yue wondered.

Haruna looked at Valkyrie Black. "Haven't you studied with dog girls, cat girls, sheep girls and fought dragon girls, elf girls and Lifemaker girls? And don't we know a talking ermine, Yuuno-kun, Arf-chan, Zafira-kun and Kero-chan? And Luna and Artemis? Plus a talking book, and two talking transformation trinkets. Is a talking duck really that shocking? Now, the Joker as a force of good, I'll grant you that, but the duck?"

Yue shrugged. "I feel more at ease accepting talking mammals than birds, I suppose. Other than Set— Never mind," she amended quickly, making Akira wonder.

"That's discriminatory against birds!" Haruna began, but then the pumpkin carriage stopped at a prudent distance from the Inn, behind some concealing trees. They had made it back.

….

Interlude- Poyo

Sitting on the Inn's roof, completely alone, the dark skinned girl waited in a light sleeping robe, her feet bare. She made no sound at all, only juggling her colorful balls and looking at them with a deeply neutral, yet somewhat melancholic expression.

Finally, she judged the time was right, and she stopped juggling, expertly catching the balls one by one, setting them aside, and pulling out a cellphone. She made a call.

"How did it go-poyo?"

There were several fast and angry complaints and random frustrated exclamations from the other end of the line.

"I see-poyo," she calmly said. "Nothing we can do about it now. I suggest sending Inugami-kun to scan the area tomorrow-poyo. Yes. No. No, only him. A group is more likely to attract unwanted attention-poyo."

She listened carefully to the rest of the woman's rant, cutting it up with a few soft words accompanied by a single nod.

"Yes, I'll do it. I'll dispose of all the mind control devices. Don't worry, no one will find them-poyo."

After wordlessly listening to a few rushed apologies, the light haired girl cut the call short and looked into the horizon. She could barely make out two vehicles— she blinked. Was that a pumpkin?— approaching from afar. Now, she had to dispose of all the evidence left behind or the ones left inside the inn could get hold of it.

She wasn't worried. She was very fast when she actually wanted to be.

And all the pieces were falling exactly where she wanted them to.

With a single acrobatic jump, she hopped down and through the same open window she had used to go out minutes ago.

She had work to do.

….

Back At The Inn

The vehicles ground to a stop a block from the inn, and as the librarians got out of their ride, putting their masks back on, Yue whispered to Sailor Mercury, "Go around the other side of the inn. We'll try to keep everyone occupied on the near side as long as possible so you can sneak back inside."

Sailor Mercury blinked, then nodded gratefully, turning and leaping back into the night.

As she moved out of sight, Haruna hummed and turned to Nodoka. "I don't suppose you got her name? I remember you saying that knowing she was called Sailor Mercury was enough to read her mind."

Nodoka shook her head. "That would be impolite," Nodoka said, smiling slightly. "We're all Magical Girls, after all. There's such a thing as professional courtesy.

Haruna pouted, but there was an approving light in her eyes. "Well, we can always figure it out later."

They joined the others, and Chisame frowned at them as walked up. "Hey, where'd that Sailor Mercury girl go?"

Haruna made a big, theatrical blink, and looked owlishly behind. "Hey! She's gone! Darn it, she was right there a moment ago! You take your eyes away for one second…"

Setsuna frowned, an expression that lost some of its intimidation value when you consider she was carrying a sleeping Konoka bridal style as said Konoka nuzzled her shoulder. "How could you let her escape?-!

"Hey, it's not like she was a prisoner," Haruna said easily. "She was free to leave whenever she wanted."

Setsuna's frown deepened. "I find it suspicious that she would so conveniently appear out of nowhere to assist us in rescuing Ojou-sama."

"Really? Magical Girls conveniently popping up out of nowhere to conveniently help save people is practically an everyday occurrence for us," Yue said, bland faced.

Chisame's eyebrow twitched. "Your world is insane," she said flatly.

"Pot, kettle," Haruna said cheerfully.

Matoi was instantly at Chisame's side, bristling on her behalf. "Are you calling my beautifully sexy, perfectly figured Chisame-sama fat as a pot?-!-?-!-?" she demanded belligerently.

"Now, now girls," Negi said, now thankfully clad in some clothes Haruna had (reluctantly) drawn up. "Let's not fight each other…"

Chisame elbowed Matoi lightly. "Please keep out of this," she told the stalker.

"Never!" Matoi declared, loudly enough to make people shush her. "Though I have sinned and been felled low by strong drink, I vow from this day forth that I shall always be by Chisame-sama's side to protect her sexy, luscious body! Ah! To think I was almost unable to save Chisame-sama! What if you had died!-?-!-?-! I would never have been able to live it down! If anything had happened to Chisame-sama, I'd have been in despair! Chisame-sama getting hurt would have left me in despair!"

"Huh, been some time since someone stole Itoshiki-sensei's catchphrase," Chamo commented, for once not getting left behind.

In Okinawa, Itoshiki, who along with his class and the staff of the inn they were staying at had been kidnapped by undead pirates wearing straw hats, dutifully sneezed.

Chisame covered her face in embarrassment. "What did I do to deserve this?" she moaned.

"Maybe you stole someone's main character status or something," Chao semi-lampshaded.

Ala Alba, to a woman, have her a flat look.

Haruna dispersed the pumpkin and stretchlimo-towtruck— don't ask— they'd ridden on as they began walking towards the inn. "So, Chao-san, this must all be a big surprise for you. I mean, your teacher is a Mage and your classmate is a magical girl and an ermine talks…" Haruna said brightly. "And suddenly it turns out Magical Girls are real… it must be a lot for a perfectly normal girl like you to take in."

"Hah ha!" Chao laughed rubbing the back of her head. "Well, I'll admit it was really unexpected. Who would have thought all this was hiding under my nose?"

AngelGARd gave her a flat look behind her back. Next to her Maga Alba was using her innocent look to its fullest. Chisame frowned, wondering why Haruna was being so talkative. Well, at least it was a change from Matoi vowing left and right.

"Well," Deathnote went on, "I can see why you'd be oblivious to it. After all, you belong to so many clubs, and have so many duties to cover, it must be near impossible for you to take notice of everything that happens around your classroom, no matter how well you manage your time!"

"Ah ha ha! Well, yeah, I suppose that's right!" Chao never dropped the facade. "I'm no Satomi-chan, but I guess I can be very oblivious to my surroundings at times! It's a scientist thing, ne?"

Paru patted her back. "Don't worry! That doesn't detract at all from how smart you are! I'm sure your genius will be world changing someday!"

"Hopefully in the right way," Yue couldn't help but joining in with a mutter.

Chao smiled back at Deathnote. "Well, thank you for the kind words, Haruna-chan!"

Paru grimaced involuntary, as if a bee had just stung her.

For an answer, Chao smiled and waved a hand in circles. "The right size, the right voice despite your attempts to disguise it, the right hair length despite the color, the presence of a manga work based magical artifact, the mannerisms, the bright eyes that shine even more at the right stimuli... Oh my, don't tell me I got it right!" she said innocently. "It was only a longshot guess...!"

Haruna gritted her teeth, but said nothing. Nodoka and Yue shared a jaded sigh. Chisame didn't hold a satisfied tiny smirk. Seeing Haruna burnt like that was worth even watching Chao flexing off her smug superiority around.

As they neared the inn, they saw its lights had dimmed for the night. Two figures stood silhouetted against it, one small, one tall.

"About time you guys got back," a masked and loligothed Twilight Red said, her harisen resting on one shoulder. She swept her gaze and stopped cold when she saw Chao, one corner of her mouth curling up into a snarl. Her harisen suddenly flashed into a sword. "You! You t—"

The smaller figure, for once demonstrating prudence, kicked her in the ankle.

She yelped, hopping on one foot. "Hey! What was that for?"

"Oh, sorry Twilight Red," the smaller figure said innocently in a soft, feminine, Rita Sato-esque voice. "My foot slipped. Is everyone all right?"

"We're fine," Negi answered , voice starting to sound slightly weary. "We managed to get Konoka-san back. And, um, Maga Alba as well."

Chisame stomped forward and thrust her face at the smaller figure's. "You've got some explaining to do," she nearly growled.

The smaller figure visibly gulped. "Um, yes. But come inside first. We managed to take down the inn's staff quietly, so no one will see us."

Chisame scowled, but allowed themselves to be led. As they entered the inn, the smaller figure, mask almost unnecessary because of their long, Rapunzel-like hair, frowned.

"Something wrong?" Negi asked.

"I'm not sure…" the other said. They knelt down to one of the unconscious figures. "Twilight, weren't they all wearing hats?"

"Most of them had only bands with chips around their heads, but yeah," Twilight Red nodded. "If they were stolen when we weren't watching, then those guys must have an accomplice inside the inn, and it's someone fast," she said, with insight Chisame would have never expected from Asuna.

"That's worrying," Negi rubbed his chin up and down. "Then again, maybe it was someone using an invisibility spell, or they had a spell on them to make them disappear after a while."

"There are spells like that? Really?" Chisame wondered.

"Our Natsumi has an Artifact like that," Yue murmured.

Chisame stared. "No normal person is safe, are they?"

"The train station's staff had the chips forcefully attached to their heads instead," Chao mused. "Makes sense if we consider they must have had a lot more time to set things up there, from what we observed. Maybe Batman-san could have explained things better, since he seemed familiar with that M.O., but since he left so fast..."

"Batman was there with you?-!" Erebus and Twilight chorused.

"Yeah, I guess he found the time to take a vacation from punching bank robbers in Gotham to come here to make our lives even more abnormal," Chisame replied sourly.

"It's a well-known fact superheroes don't take vacations. Rather, they can't," Deathnote observed. "Vacations won't allow themselves to be taken. The Fourth Corollary of Superhero Regulations, Article 52, states at least one supervillain must be waiting at the selected vacation place of any superhero!"

"Superman-sama calls it the Vacation Law," Erebus said helpfully.

"Now you aren't even making any sense with the jokes!" Chisame snapped.

"Actually, she's perfectly serious for once," Yue said.

Nodoka, Erebus and Twilight all nodded in agreement.

Negi and Matoi blinked, and Chisame's face gained a distinctive purplish tone. "I don't want to live in this world anymore."

Chao stretched and yawned. "Well, I suppose we'll have to figure this out tomorrow, ne? I'm dead tired, and Satchan must be sick worried about me..."

"That's right," Negi said. "The others, not to mention my colleagues, will notice we're missing if we spend too much longer out of our rooms. But I think we should at least alert the rest of my Ministra before resting. Odds are we won't have enough time to move apart and talk in length tomorrow..."

….

After being rounded up late at night, with a killer hangover, and all but dragged to Erebus and Negi's room, Misa wasn't exactly happy to sit there and listen to anyone's story about anything, complaining about the fact it surely could wait until the next day. But as the narration went on, she quickly found herself too shocked to argue anymore.

Judging from the looks on the faces of Sakurako, Misora and Asuna, they felt the same way. Hakase only looked coldly interested.

"No way!" Asuna finally yelled once they got to the part where Ala Alba and the others returned to the Inn. "And you really let those bastards go?-! What if they try taking Konoka again?-!"

"Well, while I share your eagerness to see them brought to justice, pursuing them through the city would have been far too risky," Sakurazaki told her. "And besides, even if we caught them, odds are they are only the tip of the iceberg. In our world, there were... several more of them."

"Still, it'd have been a start!" Asuna argued. "I don't know, you could be reading that ringleader woman's mind right now and learning where everyone else is!" she told Psycho Purple.

"Please be patient, Kagurazaka-san," Erebus tried to calm her down. He had forgotten how abrasive Asuna had been back when they had only just met. "Trust me, there'll be many chances for that later..."

"Hopefully not tonight!" Asuna growled and tightened a fist. "For all we know they're trying again while we sit here chattering!"

"We left Konoka-san with Twilight Red, and trust us, she's more than capable of protecting her," Erebus said. "Deathnote, Setsuna-san and Valkyrie Black are patrolling the surroundings, and nothing will escape their vigilance now they're on the lookout. Besides, the enemies will need time to regroup and try again."

"What do those other enemies you faced look like, Erebus-kun?" Sakurako asked.

"Errr, well..." the boy grew unsure on if he should reveal that much or not. He noticed the way the locals looked at him for answers, even his counterpart, and gulped. "L-Look, I don't want to give you any ideas or notions that might prove becoming wrong later on. W-We ended up befriending some of those... adversaries sooner or later. Maybe you'll do the same thing, maybe not. Promise no matter what you learn from us, you won't lower your guard, but you won't be too quick to judge either..."

"JUST TELL US WHO ARE THOSE BASTARDS ALREADY!" Asuna growled.

"Shhhh!" Misa hushed her. "Wake the whole Inn up, will you? I know Konoka's your best friend, but try taking it in stride!"

"I'd like to see you in my shoes!" Asuna fumed, clenching her fists. "The nerve of those people! That's it, from now on, I'll never leave Konoka's side! No matter what! And anything who messes with her gets a harisen enema!"

Even Sakurazaki was impressed. "That is... a very commendable attitude, Him— Asuna-san," she corrected herself quickly.

Maga Alba smiled. "No matter where, Asuna-chan will always be there for me or other-me!"

Konoka turned around in her futon. "Mmmm... Asuna-chan...?"

Sitting next to the futon, face mostly hidden by the room's darkness, Twilight Red asked in her best attempt to sound two years younger and naiver, "Yeah, Konoka-chan?"

"I think I had the weirdest nightmare... You were there, and Setchan, and a girl I used to—"

Twilight made a smooth comforting gesture. "There, there. Tell me tomorrow, fine? You look like you really need to sleep."

"Unhhh, I guess so..." Konoka agreed, quickly falling back into slumber, making cute tiny sounds.

"Question!" Satomi raised a hand.

"Yes, Hakase-san?" Negi asked.

"Did you happen to save at least one piece of that flying machine that attacked you?"

Asuna clenched her teeth. "Even now, are gizmos all you can freaking think about?"

Someone threw a pillow at her

An annoyed-looking Calculator stood at the door. "Keep it down, will you? Some of us are trying to sleep…" She turned and headed back to their room.

"Hey Kuro," she greeted the dark-skinned girl climbing in through a window. "G'night."

"Hey," Kuro said, heading back to her own room where Sora was still hopefully magically unconscious. "'night!"

Your Morning Dose of Fanservice!

The next morning, at the inn's open air baths, a naked Ayaka sat down in the relaxing hot water, rubbing at her throbbing head (no, not THAT one!) and complaining. "Ohhhh… It looks like this headache will never go away…"

…

Seriously, NOT THAT ONE! The one on her shoulders!

A chuckling Kazumi, sitting at her right, shifted around to offer her a small cup of sake, big breasts swinging softly. "Drink this, Iincho! To get over a hangover, you need to drink just a little the morning after!"

Ayaka accepted the cup dubiously. "Where did you get this?"

"Well, Kaede and me saved a bit from the springs…" the reporter admitted.

Makie slumped down on her stomach on the bath's edge, her legs submerged and her butt pointing up. "They tell me I kissed Negi-kun, but as much as I try, I don't remember it…!" she whined.

Sitting between Asakura and Chizuru, a mortified Natsumi looked down at her own small chest. They're so huge, simply so huge… Like college students, at least… or porn stars…

Chizuru smiled and patted her on the shoulder, her huge breasts bouncing as she moved her arm. Natsumi's self-esteem issues grew. "Ara ara, Natsumi-chan. Are you still feeling sick? I still have unused leeks left…"

At the memory of last night's remedies, Ayaka, Natsumi and Makie all shuddered.

"No! No, I'm feeling very well! It's just I'm worrying about… how my family's doing!" Natsumi excused herself.

Makie rubbed her cheek against the bath's floor. "Why I can remember everything about that treatment, but not my kiss with Negi-kun…?"

….

Pale Moon over Kyoto

"Pa-le moon, pa-a-a-le moon… cleanses the sinful and makes them anew…"

There was a weight on Negi's chest. And singing was sort of a clue too. Slowly, Negi Springfield opened his eyes. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the local him was still sleeping, eyes clenched right and shaking, muttering about his father. A part of him winced in sympathy. He remembered those dreams…

All this was secondary, however, to the fact a blonde vampire was sitting on his chest again, one hand idly playing with his trailing hair. Thankfully, she was clothed this time, her frilly pink nightly pajamas covering her significantly more than her hair.

"Blood of Mars," she said, voice slightly dreamy. "You have come… I feel my host near me… seek me, blood of Mars… seek me…"

"Ah…" Negi said softly. "I was wondering when I should do something about this…"

She smiled, obviously out of it, and Negi realized her hard had been moving closer to his as she spoke, her hair a curtain that was slowly dragging up his chest. "My host… be one… be one with my host… she dreams of you… fill her…"

"Uh, what?" Negi said.

Their lips crept closer…

And a hair tickled Negi's nose.

"AH-CHOOOOOO!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!"

"Eh? Where am I? Boya, what are you doing down there… don't let your nose drop blood like that, it's a waste of good food! And why am I naked? Are you FINALLY—!"

The door slid open, revealing Chachamaru and Asuna.

"Told you so," Asuna said. "Eva-chan, put some clothes on!"

It was another perfectly normal day…

Interlude: The Best Side of You.

A beautiful early morning in Kyoto. Birds chirping on the trees, children getting up for school, salarymen squeezing themselves into the trains for their offices, voices in your head called out your name, the whole usual nine yards.

In a way, it was much like America: But behind the nice suburbs and the Norman Rockwell-esque stylings, behind the children eating breakfast and the wives kissing their husbands goodbye for the whole day, there was the world Joker liked best. The real world, with the corporate stress, backstabbing in the workplace, the children abused in secret and the wives and husbands cheating on each other. Who wanted to read or watch anything about a perfect world where everyone is nice and the sun always shines, anyway? That was such a bore.

In Mundus Magicus, the ponies of Equestria sneezed.

With those deep, complex thoughts bubbling in his head along with half-cooked dreams and plans of dead Robins and happy genocide, the Joker woke up that morning, yawning in disrespectful greeting of the new day. He stretched his arms up, not really noticing they looked more slender and thin today, and got up, feeling his body lighter and younger, revitalized and energetic as he scratched his pasty white ass. Ah, the wonders of some fresh non-Gotham air, and the joys of becoming a single father! Truly, they had made him a new man!

God, he couldn't wait to match Bats again. This life abroad was so dull, it was driving him sane. Couldn't have any of that, no siree.

Whistling the Joker theme from Batman: The Animated Series to himself, he grabbed a towel and walked for the bathroom of the Cinema Town-located hideout house.

"Get up and shine, Boys…!" he sing-sang, rapping with a bath brush on his henchmen's doors as he passed by them. He took a hand to his throat and rasped. Good Golly impaled in a Bloody Stick, he had sounded like Harley's mother. That was it, he was watching too much girly anime here. He'd have to switch to something manlier, like Berserk. Or that Demonic Cannon Girl Musical Something-or-Other show he had heard so many good comments about. Apparently, the protagonist was gutted with her own magical weapon in Episode 22! He would have to check it out…

Then he peeked into Ruri's room. As usual, the girl slept lying cutely on her side, her laptop still open next to her pillow, and her right arm still handcuffed at the bed's head. Joker couldn't help but cooing at the large red marks the child had in her wrist, all around the handcuff. His little girl was a real fighter! He could see her in his mind's eye, struggling to pull free and try to make an escape attempt, and it was so heartwarming, to imagine her cute suffering at the impossibility of her task…

Mental Note to Self: Install cameras in Ruri-Ruri's room, laugh at the Useless Escape Attempt Show every night. For a moment he pondered placing cameras in the dresser as well, but even evil had standards, right?

…..

Well, it couldn't hurt her if she never learned about it, right?

In any case, he finally entered the bathroom, humming to himself and rubbing the final cobwebs off his sharp green eyes, which starred into the bath mirror's reflection.

Oh, he had become a woman. Well, that explained the girly voice.

He tapped on his, no, her chin with a finger. The features of his, er, her face were still sharp and angular all over, but somewhat softer and more rounded in general now. Fuller lips, slightly longer dark green hair falling in locks all around her face, framing it nicely. The skin tone was still the same, luckily, and while she wasn't a knockout beauty, she had sort of a perverse, sinister older woman appeal to her. Like one of those creepy housekeepers in horror movies.

"Beautiful nightmare," the Joker mused. "But then again, when aren't you?"

God, Japan was weird. Yes, she could learn to like the country.

Then, just to be sure, she touched further down.

"Not very big, but at least bigger than Harley's," she nodded, mostly pleased.

And further down.

"Not a futa? Awww. All those chances of starring with Batman in that kind of fancomics, wasted!" she lamented.

Again, she thought. There was something else missing, besides Lil' Jokey. Ah, ah yes! The proper comedic reaction of a character put in such a demented, illogical development! Not following tradition would be a cardinal sin.

She slammed a fist twice on her chest, carefully readied her new voice for the best effect, opened her mouth, drew air in, and finally let out a house-shaking, ear-shattering, perfectly calculated shriek of shrill feminine terror.

She gave herself an Eight Point Five.

….

The Best Laid Plans…

"Well then, what we do about Konoka?" Chisame asked. "You can just remain out of trouble by simply staying disguised as a child," she told Maga Alba, "but Konoka's going to continue being a target as long as we're here."

"Why don't we just level with her and tell her everything?" Misa groaned. "One more in the know won't make any difference. Let's just make her pass as a Loli too and save ourselves a world of headaches."

"Yeah, and I suppose Takahata and the other teachers will never notice Konoka's gone and a kid is in her place, right?" Chisame snapped at her.

"Konoka-san's family has decided to keep her magical potential a secret. We must honor those wishes and safeguard her ignorance in that regard," Negi pondered.

Satomi scowled. "Are you realizing the stunning hypocritical irony of a teacher advocating ignorance for one of his pupils, Sensei?"

Maga Alba raised her hand. "Speaking as Konoka-san," she said cheerfully, "I vote we tell her! My life's been a lot better since I found out, and Set-chan and I aren't strangers anymore…"

Sakurazaki blushed as Konoka glomped onto her arm affectionately. Matoi grinned brightly at the swordswoman and have her a thumbs up.

"We're not interfering because of that, Konoka-chan," Springfield said. "Regardless of your similarity, we have no right to make such a decision for her. Given the differences we've learned between our worlds, she might be a completely different person."

"Yeah, she might be straight," Haruna said, not all that quietly.

Sakurazaki blushed brighter. Konoka's face betrayed no change, still smiling happily.

Setsuna turned a scandalized glare at Haruna. "Saotome-san! Such slander…!"

Negi blinked. "What does 'straight' mean?"

Chisame was about to snap 'don't think about it!' when Erebus spoke first.

"Well, mou hitori no boku, when Setsuna likes Konoka very much—" he began.

"SENSEI!" both Hanyou shrieked.

He blinked innocently— a bit too innocently— at them as the others the local Ministra stared. "What?"

"He knows… of ALL the things for him to know about…" Misa said.

Chisame glared at Erebus. "Oh no you're not teaching him about that!"

Erebus paused thoughtfully and just said, "Don't think about it."

"Eh?-!" Negi whined. "Not you too!"

Setsuna coughed meaningfully, obviously anxious to get this behind them.

"Er, well, regardless, we'll have to schedule an organized plan so Konoka-san is never without someone at her side protecting her," Negi said. He looked at Erebus for guidance, but the older boy simply gestured as if leaving everything in his hands. "Asuna-san, you'll be near her at almost all times, so you'll be her primary watcher. Setsuna-san will work closely with you, since she knows at least one of the attackers personally and Konoka-san trusts her unconditionally as well."

"You got it!" Asuna nodded.

"Oh, Set-chan can stay with you too!" Konoka said. "They won't notice me, and they won't pay any attention to Set-chan when she's a kid!"

Sakurazaki frowned. "Oujo-sama, are you sure?"

Konoka nodded. "The other me needs your help more. If there are any problems, Negi-kun can just teleport me to him, and there are few places as safe as next to Negi-kun!"

Sakurazaki sighed. "Yes, I suppose that's true…"

Konoka giggled. "Aw, you know you're still my favorite partner!" she said, lightly placing a peck on Sakurazaki's cheek.

Setsuna choked as Sakurazaki bolted upright, red as blood. "Oujo-sama!" they both cried.

Konoka just giggled some more.

Erebus smiled knowingly, and Chisame considered it the most disturbing thing she'd ever seen on his face.

After a while, Sakurazaki sighed, and nodded. "I'll do it."

"Olay then. Thank you, Sakurazaki-san. I'll help Ala Alba with their patrols, but the rest of you," Negi told his Ministra, "would be better remaining as backup for the time being. We can't break up the groups' structure without raising suspicions, and if you're needed at any time, I'll summon you with the cards. In the meanwhile, please try to enjoy the trip. Chisame-san, I trust you to keep Sora-san out of this whole affair."

"Don't worry too much," Chisame said. "She's actually sharper than she looks, but at the end of the day, she's still gullible, and I know well how to handle her."

"Ooookayyyy..." Negi said, choosing not to question her on her choice of words and callousness. "Anyone who sees anything or anyone suspicious in the area will immediately contact the others, but don't try to fight anyone by yourselves. We know these enemies always act in groups, and they have plenty of dirty tricks at hand."

"What do we do about Chao?" Chisame asked. Ala Alba studiously all looked at the furniture.

"Nothing for the time being," Negi said. "She seems to be unlikely to help us unless she's asked or directly involved again, but she's also unlikely to be an obstacle." He blissfully ignored the gazes Psycho Purple and Sakurazaki were sharing behind him. "Once the trip is over and these pressing matters are done for, we'll discuss what to do about her newfound knowledge."

"Thinking of inducting her into our ranks?" an unamused Misa asked.

"Like I said, it's still too early to say one way or another..." Negi insisted patiently. "Let's focus on helping Konoka-san for the time being. Now we'll work in an exact schedule for our patrol turns, won't we?" he asked Erebus.

The older boy nodded and pulled a few papers out. "As a matter of fact, I've already thought of a preliminary schedule."

Negi smiled, pulling an identical set of papers. "Oh, so did I!"

They compared notes, and seeing they were perfectly equal to each other, shook hands and nodded.

"People who is always so anally prepared for everything scares me," Asuna shared.

"Oh, you haven't seen anything yet...!" Maga Alba laughed in an easygoing way.

The door opened and Kuro poked in her head. "There you are! You'll be late for breakfast! Get a move on!"

At their looks, she raised a questioning eyebrow. "What'd I miss?"

….

School Trip, Day Two

Nodoka drew in a very deep breath and spoke, stilting the words as little as possible.

"Eh… Ahh, Negi-sensei…"

The tiny Negi doll on the nightstand bobbed back and forth on the coil it had been placed onto.

"Um… I, I'm glad to see you're so full of l-life today…" the girl stuttered. "Anyway, I, I wanted to ask you… something…"

The doll kept on moving in place, its face eternally smiling.

"Y-you know today's a free activity day, of course, since you're a teacher, and, um, guide, and, err, our… organizer, and a good one at that… But… so, I'd like… no, I mean, I wonder if I could… a-ask you t-to… to…"

The doll simply continued bobbing on its coil, erratically.

Nodoka's head drooped down. "This isn't working."

The Case of Murakami Natsumi

"I love you!" Natsumi finally told Chizuru.

Chizuru pondered it, then shook her head and softly bopped Natsumi's head with the magazine she had been reading. "No. Don't do it as if you're acting for a play. Allow your true feelings to show through."

The actress whimpered, a hand on her head. "I'm way out of my comfort zone doing that, Chizu-nee…"

Her busty roommate crossed her arms patiently. "The idea, Natsumi, is getting you to walk out of that zone, not to keep you inside of it. You've made progress, but you still need to act more natural if you're going for the real deal. Negi-sensei will need to feel your—" Then she stopped, whispering, "We'll continue later. Makie-san finished her shower."

Indeed, Makie was coming out of the shower stall, a pink towel wrapped around her wet body. "Hey, guys! Where are Iincho and Kazumi-chan?"

"You were taking too long, so they already went for breakfast," Chizuru told her very calmly.

"They did?-!" the gymnast blinked. "Oh, no! I need to get there quick, to tell Negi-kun good morning before Iincho does!" Hurriedly, she stripped down before them, dried herself off, and ran out for the hall.

Natsumi gasped. "Makie-san! Wait! You—"

Chizuru placed a hand on her shoulder. "Allow the enemy to destroy themselves every chance you get, Natsumi-chan," she sagely advised.

There was a loud yelp from Chisame outside, followed by a shorter, shriller yell of Makie's breaking into apologies before running back for her room. "Ha, ha!" she laughed dumbly. "Sorry! I was in such a rush, I forgot the clothes!"

Natsumi stared oddly at the now quickly dressing Baka Ranger. "Don't worry… It happens to me all the time…" she lied.

While Makie ran back outside, now fully clothed except for a sock she forgot in her hurry, Natsumi looked up at her friend. "Chizu-nee, shouldn't we hurry as well?"

Chizuru waved a finger. "That won't help you to gain any points! It's a communal breakfast, and Sensei will be eating with the other teachers. Better to take a short while showing up, so he notices your absence and worries about you. Then he'll be doubly happy when you show up."

An impressed Natsumi nodded.

"Now tell me you love me again. I mean, tell Negi-sensei you love him," Chizuru requested.

Natsumi paused for a moment, showing only the slightest hint of confusion, before repeating, "I love you. Sensei."

"Well, I suppose that'll do…"

The Case of Miyazaki Nodoka

Yue and Haruna re-appeared on the door. "Nodoka, what's taking you so long?" Baka Black asked.

Nodoka gulped, rocking back to her feet. "N-mothing! I'll be there with you right now!"

"You still confessing your love to that doll?" Haruna asked. "If you really want to practice love confessions, it's better to do it with a live target. You know I'll be your Negi any day you want…"

Yue snorted softly. "You lack the most important thing for it."

Haruna blinked in shock, then giggled and pinched Yue's cheeks. "Oh, you NAUGHTY thingy…!-!-!"

"I meant his education and good manners!" Yue protested, trying to break free.

Konoe Muyo!

Konoemon Konoe walked slowly, supporting his body weight on his cane with each measured step. Somehow, despite its sunny beauty, and how fresh its air was, this place made him feel so much older.

The Okayama countryside.

He made his way alone from the train station to the old shrine, walking through the woods that had changed so little since his childhood. One of the advantages of having most teachers out on trips was he had very little explanations to give about his absence. He only had told Evangeline, Professor Tomoe and that man in the library he'd be taking a day off. As expected, Eva hadn't cared at all, that sneaky Tomoe had only smiled and wished him good luck, and that man chuckled.

"Going back your the roots, huh?"

Konoemon had nodded. "It's the right time for it, after all."

And now, there he was, at the foot of a very, very long set of steps built into that hill's rock, leading up to the shrine. With his arms crossed behind his back, he made his way up slowly, humming to himself.

He found a young man with black hair sweeping the shrine's entrance once he arrived there. The boy noticed him immediately, stopping his labor and giving him a big kind smile. "Oh, good morning! Welcome to the Masaki shrine! What can we do to help you? Did you come to pray? For amulets? A blessing?"

The old man chuckled raspily. "Why, hello. Truth be told, I only came to talk with your grandfather, Tenchi."

The boy blinked, visibly impressed, before regaining his smile. "Oh… Oh, I see! You're one of Grandpa's friends, aren't you? I'm sure he'll be glad to see you. I'll call for him right no—"

"Actually, I'm his grandson as well," Konoemon told him, very evenly.

Tenchi paused again, even more stunned this time. He took a few moments to recover and say, "I… I see. Well, I'm sure he'll be… even happier to see you then…"

The old man raised a brushy eyebrow. "You have been told about the family's secret, haven't you?"

"Oh, yes! I have! Last year, actually," Masaki Tenchi nodded awkwardly. He looked up and down at Konoe. "On that topic… Forgive me for asking, please, but… Can you… You know, like Grandpa?"

"Recover my younger form at will?" Konoemon asked. "No. My blood is too diluted for that. You, on the other hand, are a pure blooded direct descendant. You should be able to do it when you reach my age."

Tenchi nodded, embarrassed. "I understand. Sorry about that…"

"It's no problem. You have every right to know." Konoe brushed past that, before a taller, seemingly younger senior citizen with glasses and a mustache, his gray hair long and tied into a thick ponytail, stepped out of the shrine, barely blinking at seeing him.

"Ah, Konoemon…" he spoke, in a low, sedate, thick tone. "It's been quite a while."

"Greetings, Grandfather," Konoe bowed respectfully. He casually looked into the direction of a cave. "So Nobuyuki said the truth; Tenchi-kun here did free Ryoko after all…"

Tenchi blushed and laughed awkwardly. "W-Well, it was an accident, really—! Wait, when did you speak with my father?"

"Over the phone, a few months ago," Konoe answered.

"Hmmm," the other old man said. "He didn't tell me he had contacted you again."

"Nobuyuki is a grown man, Grandfather. Neither of us has to inform you of every move we make," Konoemon said easily. "Well? Won't you invite me in? I must say I'm a bit thirsty after that train trip!"

Both men's grandfather nodded and stepped aside, gesturing for them to walk into the small building. "Come in, please. We truly have a lot to talk about. So, when are you planning to marry again?"

"Grandfather!" Konoemon exclaimed, whacking him with a small mallet. "I'm too old for that!"

"Nonsense! You're not even two hundred! Let me set up an Omiai, I know this nice little grocer…"

"No, grandfather!"

Clearly, Konoka got it from somewhere.

Soft Targets

"I'm telling you, Boy, there's been a misunderstanding!" Joker yelped as she jumped off the escape stairs and into another building's rooftop.

Good thing whatever had changed him had also granted him way superior speed and agility, because otherwise, Quarty would have burnt her to a crisp already. Probably. She got the feeling he was only toying with her, like a kitten who has been deprived from hunting far too long and then is given a mouse to play with. Joker could understand the feeling, but not when he was the mouse, damn it!

Quartum had a vicious smirk on as he chased the green haired woman across the rooftops of Cinema Town, holding himself back so they wouldn't attract the public's attention below, and also because he wanted to know what this was intruder able of. And sure, scare her out off her wits before finishing her. He had never really scratched that itch before, and it felt good. Very good. "Tell me your name and it won't be so painful!" he promised. "The nerve terminals don't transmit any pain when burned the right way, so you'll barely suffer!"

"I know that, but I don't like dying in the first date! I find it takes the charm away from the relationship!" the woman wisecracked while jumping out of the way of a small fireball tossed in her direction, most likely just to wear her down. Whoever she was, she had as bad a sense of humor as Joker himself. "Really, Quarty, don't you recognize your Daddy anymore just because a little boob job and longer hair? I thought we were closer than that!"

"Excuse me, but Joker is a man! Not much of one, but yeah, a man," Quartum closed the distance, grinning even more. Joker wondered if he was that disturbingly creepy when he closed in on a woman. Nah, he told himself, he was much more disturbing. The kid was only an amateur, after all. Feeling better already, she jumped ahead again, looking around for something, anything, to use as a weapon. It was a difficult task since she knew Quarty was supposed to outlast the likes of a tank in battle. Cutting edge tanks, even. The kind Lexcorp had only as prototypes.

"I shoulda looked through my toy basket before leaving..." she mused sadly.

The strange purplish bracelet he had on him—that is, her— since waking up was glowing with a faint ghostly light now. She had tried to take it off since the chase started, convinced it had something to do with his— or her, whatever— transformation, but it seemed it was stuck to her and wouldn't come off or shatter with anything. She had even blocked a few of Quarty's blasts with it, to no avail. The damn thing didn't even have a scratch on. She had the area of her arm around it quite badly burnt, though, although not as much as it'd have been expected.

"Maybe, if you only agree to take me back home alive, we can sit down and I can explain everything to the best of my knowledge?" she attempted to negotiate.

Running with his arms crossed behind his back now, as if to mock her, Quartum made a long thinking sound. "Mmmmmm... NAH! I still prefer just to rip the info out of your last breath!" he said.

"Little jerk," Joker muttered. He hated when HE came out looking as the rational part in a discussion.

Then, a hail of bullets hitting the rooftop floor before her forced her to grind to a halt. "What the—?-!"

Quartum also slowed down behind her, looking mildly intrigued. The two of them looked up to see a shapely young woman with bright, short scarlet hair standing on a higher rooftop, aiming a M1911 handgun at Joker's head. "HEY THERE!" she called out feistily, with a psychotic grin to match Quartum's own. "Look what we gotta here! And I thought this'd be a boring day!"

Joker opened her mouth, lifted an index finger up, ready to protest in some way, then lowered the finger and her expression drooped. "Sorry, I don't do redheads," she deadpanned. "That's Nightwing's thing."

Nara Park:

Nara Park. A large, idyllic looking place where deer walked about freely. Negi, Nelly, Konoka, Asuna, Nodoka, Haruna, Yue, Ayaka, Natsumi, Chizuru, Asakura and Makie walked through it, with the boy teacher, his fiancée and the gymnast acting utterly fascinated about their surroundings. Not far away, Kuro and her 'charges' walked, surprisingly well-behaved for little kids, admiring things.

"Ah! Sawa-chan!"

"Paru-sama!"

"Sawa-chan!"

"Paru-sama!"

"Sawa-chan!"

"Paru-sama!"

"WOULD YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF!" Kuro cried.

Well, most of them.

"There are far more deer here than I expected!" Negi said in childlike awe. "And they're very big, too!"

"These deer are believed to be the messengers of the gods," Yue lectured quietly between sips of her Corto Maltese Black Strawberry juice. "Until 1637, killing one of them was a crime punished with the capital sentence. That's because it was said one of the four gods of the Kasuga Shrine, Takenomikazuchi-no-mikoto, visited this site once riding a white deer."

"Wow," Nelly said, brushing back her long, trailing hair. "I didn't know that!"

"Then, shouldn't only white deer be holy?" Makie asked.

"What kind of question is that, Makie-san?" Ayaka asked, walking right next to Negi. Asuna marched behind her with a blank expression, keeping her attention fixed on Konoka. Her would-be kidnappers were unlikely to try and strike in a public place during the middle of the day, but Negi had said they could take no chances.

While stopping to feed a deer, making Ayaka coo, and Natsumi and Nodoka blush brightly, Negi looked in all directions just in case. Kuga Natsuki-san was watching them from afar, and for some reason, her face seemed especially troubled whenever she looked at Konoka. From ever further, a very tall woman with long black hair and sunglasses was also watching over the group, sporting a downright grim expression.

She looked familiar, but she was too tall to be Amagasaki-san. Then who...?

Then Negi remembered. She looked a lot like one of Ayaka's maids, Roberta-san. But surely it was only a coincidence. Iincho-san would have told him if she were to bring one of her servants along...

Then Nodoka was swiftly pulled aside by Yue and Haruna. Noticing it and making a very small frown, Chizuru, likewise, pulled Natsumi along with her.

"C-Chizu-nee?" Natsumi asked as Naba all but dragged her behind a tree. "I-I told you I'm feeling okay!"

Chizuru put a finger on her lips. "I know," she whispered. "It isn't about that. Your rivals are getting ready to make their move, Natsumi-chan. You can't allow them to get there before you do..."

Interlude: Ala Alba

"Any idea who those two are?" Twilight Red said quietly as they waited for Kuro to come back with some feed for the deer.

"The biker chick and the one with the umbrella?" Valkyrie Black said.

"Yeah, them," Twilight said. "Do you think they might be with Chigusa? I mean, they don't look like the usual kind of Negi-stalkers."

Psycho Purple peered at them intently. "They… they kind of remind me of those bodyguards Tomoyo-san has…"

"Oh, you mean those ninja barely held in check by the promise of health insurance, and Tomoyo's steady paycheck?" Twilight said.

"They get health insurance?" Yue said.

"Well, yeah. Kaede told me about it when Tomoyo offered her a job after highschool."

"Wow… do you think we should ask Negi-sensei for health insurance?"

"On his salary? We're lucky we have Konoka."

"Lucky we have Konoka why?" Deathnote asked.

Twilight gave her a disapproving look. "Don't you have any shame?-! The way you've been carrying on with the other Haruna is disgusting!"

Haruna laughed easily. "Oh, come on, it's only a little harmless self-stimulation! Nothing wrong with it."

Asuna took a deep breath to yell at her as Nodoka blushed—

"Sneaking around voice, Asuna," Yue said quietly.

Asuna switched to hissing. "There is when you do it in public!"

"Sheesh, you can be such a prude," Haruna said, waving a hand dismissively. "Anyway, listen! I think Nodoka is about to make her move on Negi-sensei!"

"N-no I'm not!" Nodoka said.

"No, I mean the other Nodoka," Haruna said. "See, the other me is talking to her!"

Nodoka, Yue, Asuna and Haruna all looked at the two younger women.

"Should we do something about this?" Yue said philosophically.

"Definitely!" Haruna chirped. "We need to help make it happen! After all, Nodoka confessed to Negi-sensei here in Kyoto! If she doesn't, that would be altering what hap-pened!" She sang the last word.

"There's probably something wrong there…" Asuna mused.

Yue gave Haruna a look. "I thought you were backing Misora here…"

"Well, she's not here, and at heart I ship Negi-sensei with librarians," Haruna said. She pointed dramatically at Ayaka. "Right now, she is the biggest cock-blocker! She needs to be dealt with!" She paused. "Is it a cock block? Shouldn't it be—"

"Aaand I'm out," Twilight said. "You… do whatever. I'll stick with this Konoka, make sure she doesn't get kidnapped or anything."

"Cool!" Haruna said, grabbing the other two. "Come on girls, let's see if we can fix some past mistakes…"

"This can't end well…" Yue muttered.

"Is there a bush we can hide in?" Nodoka asked, looking around.

Family Ties

Tenchi looked back and forth between both old men sipping their tea in complete silence. For two guys who supposedly had a lot to discuss, they sure had been quiet for the last few minutes. So he tried to break the ice despite the nagging voice in his head telling him it was a horrible idea.

"Then, ah… When was the last time you were here, hmmm… Cousin Konoemon?"

Dammit, he was sure he had just picked the dumbest way to call him.

The man with the oddly shaped head stroke his chin. "I believe it was when you were still a small child, Tenchi-kun. If I'm not mistaken, back when…"

"At his mother's funeral," Masaki Katsuhito said in a stoic tone.

Tenchi flinched momentarily. Konoe's tone grew somber. "Ah. Yes, it was then…"

"Oh. Well, that… explains why I don't remember you, then," Tenchi tried to sound normal again.

The man with glasses attempted to steer the conversation in another direction. "Konoemon's mother was my only child with my second Earthly wife, a lady from a prestigious Chinese family. After she died, her family took our daughter to be educated in her mother's homeland, as per her last wishes. Suffice to say, she ended up returning to Japan and marrying the leader of the Konoe clan, a highly powerful and respected family of mages rumored to be descended from Amaterasu, the Sun Goddess herself."

"Wow," Tenchi said before taking a sip from his own cup.

"Konoemon also was educated both in Japan and China, becoming a highly powerful mage, and the current Dean of Mahora Academy," his grandfather narrated. Tenchi raised an eyebrow.

"Mage?" he said.

"Boy, you have just spent a whole year co-existing with superpowered aliens…" Katsuhito said.

"I'm not saying anything!" Tenchi argued.

"You went to outer space and slew a world ravaging pirate," his grandfather reminded him.

"I said I didn't mean anything! But yeah, okay, I did that, but all of that has a perfectly valid scientific explanation! I think. At least, that's what Washu-san says…" the boy deflated.

Konoemon held an index finger up. "Ardescat," he said, and a tiny flame appeared around his fingernail.

Tenchi stared a bit dubiously. "Forgive me for saying this, but that isn't exactly a very impressive 'spell'…"

"Would you prefer the kind that destroys a whole hill?" Konoe asked.

"Since we're on a hill right now, thanks, but no," the boy said. "I believe you."

"By the way, how's my great-granddaughter?" Katsuhito asked him.

"Prettier and prettier with each passing day," Konoe sighed. "But she still shows no signs of wanting to marry…"

"How old is she?" Tenchi asked.

Both old men looked at him immediately. "Interested?-!" they chorused.

He spat his tea. "N-N-Not at all! I'm having enough romantic trouble as it is!"

"Konoka-chan's absolutely no problem at all!" Konoemon huffed. "She's fourteen, but well read and polite. Cooks like a professional, and already shows great gifts for fortune telling. A shame she refuses to even consider all the marriage prospects I have gathered for her…" he lamented.

Tenchi made a face. "She's fourteen! She shouldn't think of marriage yet!"

"Sometimes I grow worried she has idealized her father so much, she won't ever consider any other man," the Mahora Dean confessed. "Shows she has Juraian blood in her, I guess…"

Tenchi nodded a bit awkwardly. "I know how it is, yes. Ayeka-san can be scary at times…"

"Some other times, I fear she's far too obsessed with a childhood friend of hers. Setsuna-kun is an excellent girl, but I want great grandchildren, you know!" Konoemon shook his head.

"Tenchi is available," Katsuhito said.

"What? No, I'm not!" Tenchi made an 'X' sign with his arms.

His grandfather lifted an eyebrow. "Have you settled for a girl already?"

"OF COURSE NOT! I'M STILL TOO YOUNG, AS WELL!"

Konoemon gestured for him to calm down. "Easy, easy, Tenchi-kun. I won't force you into any omiais with Konoka-chan. Truth be told, I have set my eye on another boy I think will be perfect for her."

"That Chiba Mamoru boy you once mentioned?" Katsuhito asked.

"They ended up just becoming really good friends," Konoemon sighed. "I actually mean Nagi's son."

Katsuhito made a very very brief pause. "Oh. Nagi's…"

Konoe nodded.

Tenchi frowned. "Who's Nagi?"

"Ask your grandfather!" Konoe said.

"Are you fully sure you don't want to try Tenchi?" Katsuhito insisted.

"GRAMPS!" the boy barked.

"Ho ho! Sorry, but I wish for Konoka to live well into adulthood!" Konoemon laughed jovially. "Nobuyuki told me about those suitors of yours, Tenchi-kun!"

The young man forced a smile. "They aren't that bad…"

Then an explosion coming from the nearby valley shook the whole hill. A shrill yell of "RYOKO-SAN!" pierced through the air.

Tenchi grimaced. "On second thought, good call."

Konoka's Tale

While Yue and Haruna advised Nodoka, Chizuru advised Natsumi, and three of Ala Alba's librarians distracted Ayaka, Makie and Asakura, Konoka found herself approached by Negi, 'Nelly', Asuna, and an unassuming, innocent-acting Yu/AngelGARd while feeding the deer.

"Um, Konoka-san, about what happened last night…" Negi began, quite uncomfortably.

The heiress blinked. "Oh, yeah, about that! Did you want to ask something, Negi-kun?"

"Actually, I do too," Asuna admitted. "Konoka, you said the last thing you remembered before falling asleep was a girl with glasses, right?"

Konoka nodded. "Yeah. Sorry I never told you about her, Asuna. But even thinking about her brought me sad memories," she sighed. "I loved her very much, but we couldn't be together for long…"

"You loved her?-!" Yu gasped aloud. She felt like vomiting for some reason.

Konoka gave her a puzzled look. "Like a little sister of sorts, Yu-chan," she said. AngelGARd and Erebus breathed easier.

"I used to live in this city, before moving to Mahora," Konoka continued. "I was raised in the huge and silent mansion of my Dad. And since it was deep within the mountains, and the servants' children weren't allowed to play with me, I always was alone, playing with a ball when I wasn't taking lessons on etiquette and such. I didn't have any friends my age."

"I can sympathize…" Negi lamented. "I didn't have any friends but Anya, either…"

"Yes, I lived far away when we were younger," 'Nelly' said.

Asuna pinched him in on the arm. "Your case was different! You didn't want to make any friends because you always were studying! Chisame told me you told her!"

Konoka half-smiled. "One day, a woman named Tsuruko, a member of the family that adopted Daddy when he was around your age, Negi-kun, arrived with her young cousin and a disciple of her clan. They were Tsukuyomi-chan and Set-chan, of course. Yomi-chan was always a little weird; but she loved Set-chan and me a lot. We quickly became best friends, the three of us."

The alternate Setsuna found herself almost disbelieving her Ojousama's lookalike. The idea of Tsukuyomi being their common childhood friend seemed ludicrous. It seemed like something out of a weird fanfic chock full of crack.

"Yomi-chan was one year younger than us, and she always was clinging to Set-chan, who played the big sister to both of us. They were just starting to learn kendo, but Set-chan was so much better than Yomi-chan, who was, well, a bit clumsy," she giggled cutely. "But Set-chan was patient and always tried her best to help her improve. She also protected us against everything, even the angry dogs we sometimes ran into."

Then her face grew somber and sad. "We lived together for more than one year, but one day, while we were playing near a river, I fell in and almost drowned. Set-chan tried her best to help me, but she couldn't do anything. I almost died that day…"

Negi's face had grown hideously pale. Asuna's was barely any better. Yu And Nelly already knew a basically identical version of the same story, but listening to it from Ojou-sama's perfectly facsimile voice still tugged at all her heartstrings.

"After that, Mom grew furious, and for some reason sent Yomi-chan back. I never saw her again until last night, assuming I didn't just dream her. Set-chan changed, too. She became cold and distant, always training by herself, and didn't have any time for me anymore. And then, Mom sent me to Mahora. When Set-chan joined our class too at the start of junior high, I was hoping for a joyful meeting, but she was even colder now, as if she hated me. Maybe it's because what I did back then ruined our friendship…" Konoka's lower lip trembled.

And then the little girl threw herself crying into her lap. "Ah! Yu-chan! Why are you so sad so suddenly…?"

"My… My heart suffers for your pain, Konoe Ojou-sama!" the Chibi Setsuna cried. "Your story has touched me so deeply! I never had heard anything so sad before… well, almost never…!"

'Nelly's' lips were quivering too. "Ah! To think you had to suffer such heartbreak!"

Konoka patted her head tenderly. "Ahh, I'm sorry. If I had known it'd hurt you so much, I wouldn't have said anything…"

Sakurazaki blushed and pulled back abruptly. "N-N-No! Please don't mind me! And please don't blame yourself over what happened back then, either!"

Asuna exhaled a weary sigh, while Negi only cried copious streams of moved silent tears of his own…

….

Interlude: I Miss You

Okinawa

"Fujiyoshi-san?" Itoshiki appeared at the doorstep, cut end of rope still around his neck. "What's taking you so long? Narusegawa-san has just interrupted my latest suic— I mean, has just told me dinner's ready. All your classmates are already there."

Fujiyoshi Harumi quickly turned the sketchbook she was working on around, lifting her head up to laugh nervously. "Oh, is that so? My, time flies when you're, um, having fun! I'll be there right now, Sensei!"

"Why do you seem ashamed of what you were drawing?" her homeroom teacher asked. "You've never shown any modesty with showing anything, from full frontal hermaphrodite nudity to Rush Limbaugh /George Bush Yaoi!"

"I only did that one because of a dare!" the mangaka defended herself. "Also, why the sudden interest in seeing my sketches?"

He held his hands before himself. "Seeing them? Perish the thought! If it's something you deem scandalous, it'd break my puny mind with only the briefest glimpse! It must be the material Lovecraft's nightmares were made of! Depravity exceeding even the writings of Darkenning!"

Harumi grunted. "Gee, thanks for the comparison with a giant of literature."

He looked over her shoulder. "Say, is that a photo of—"

"I only have a picture of her around so I can spur myself to surpass her even further!" Harumi fumed. "Hah! When I look at that dumb face, I can only think of much fun I'll have outdoing her again! That helps me to give the best of myself!"

The man nodded, seeming to believe it. "It always helps to get a clear and fresh view of the enemy in your mind's eye. Still," and his tone grew drier, "Maybe you should have gotten yourself a less saucy looking pose of Saotome-san. Ill minds could think wrongly about you, would they find that in your possession."

"That nutty girl poses like that every time there's a camera on her!" Harumi said, exasperated. "But let's forget her, Sensei! I don't want my appetite spoiled!" Come on!" She smiled, grabbed him by an arm and, despite his protests, dragged him along with her to the dining room of the Inn. She would make Chiri flip out with jealousy after this, surely…

Yes, Harumi liked to live dangerously.

Later, while she still was enjoying the post-dinner with her friends, Maehara Shinobu-san happened to find her Haruna sketches while cleaning the room. Shinobu was a respectful person when it came to others' privacy, so she quickly put the drawings back in their place and retreated with a flushed face.

She couldn't deny, however, those drawings, crass as they were, seemed so full of a sincere love…

Three Way Action!

"Well, now. It's been a real pleasure meeting you, Purps," the red haired and red eyed girl with the sadistic grin and the big gun said, "A shame it'll be a short friendship!" she said, pressing on the trigger...

"I have no regrets!" Joker shouted, closing her eyes and throwing her arms out dramatically as she aimed her chest at the bullets, right as Quartum, becoming a blur of fluid motion, pushed her with himself out of the heavy gunfire from above. They rolled on the rooftop as the girl cursed and reloaded. "Quarty! I thought you didn't care...!"

He pressed a foot on her chest, pinning her down before leaping for their attacker. "Leave that place and you die!"

Joker inhaled deeply. "Just like Batsy...!"

The stranger clenched her teeth and aimed between the quickly approaching boy's eyes, who seemed to outright fly up towards her, but before she could open fire again, he had grabbed her throat with a hand, pushing her back, while his other hand disabled the one she had been holding the weapon with.

He looked straight into her eyes with pupils full of malice and hatred. "Who were you?-!"

The girl gasped for air. "You mean who am I—!"

"No, you're dead," he hissed, plain floating before her so they could be eye to eye despite her being much taller. "The only thing you can still decide is it's slow and painful, or quick and merciful!"

"Quartum, Master of Pick Up Lines!" Joker said, already climbing up near them with an agility s/he'd never had before. A pop gun was pulled out and pressed against the girl's right temple. "Threesome?"

"I told you to stay down there!" the boy growled.

"And I disobeyed. Doesn't that prove I'm crazy enough to be Joker?"

"Joker?" the redhead blinked.

"You stay out of this!" the other two told her before returning to their bickering.

"Joker or not, I haven't been programmed to obey a woman!"

"Oh, don't be so chauvinistic! Don't let Ra's infect your mind with his Alpha Male patriarch crap, boy!"

"Oh, like you're much better, if you're really the Joker! What about all those jokes you make about chaining Ruri to the kitchen?"

"Only jokes! Like I'm crazy enough to eat anything she makes! I have my limits too, nebulous, microscopic and nearly inexistent as they may be! Why do you think I don't let her read T*m*h*wk fanfics?"

The girl grunted and kicked Quartum in the crotch. She cringed in pain, feeling as if her foot had been crushed. Unfazed, he only gave her a mild headbutt, stunning her. "Quiet, you. Okay, let's assume you're really the Joker, under the effect of some sort of spell used by our enemies. Any idea what may have caused it?"

Joker thought about it. "Too much time away from Batman? Cursed springs? Too many Magical Girl shows watched? Feminine hormones in the local water? Chris Jones Virus? Aliens at work? That plushie I got yesterday? Harley got the Obeah Man to curse me?"

"P-Plushie!" the girl managed to gurgle.

Both (kinda) men looked at her. "Bingo!" Joker clucked her tongue.

Quartum tightened his grip on her throat. "Talk now. Or else, I'll—"

Then he saw the police patrol chopper flying over their heads. "Damn."

He tossed her aside like a ragdoll, tackled the Joker, and ducked with her, dashing expertly down to relative obscurity. "Hey!" Joker shouted. "I thought the whole point of superpowers was not running from the coppers! Why would they have choppers out anyway?"

"Hush!" he told her. "No matter what, the plan's safety can't be compromised!"

Joker pointed over his shoulder. "Tell her."

Enraged to hell and back, the girl had picked up her gun and was shooting madly in their direction. "Die die die, you stinky vermin! Spit your bloody guts out!"

"You know, I'll take back my first impression on her. I think I like her after all," Joker cooed, chuckling at how Quartum sped out of the line of fire again. "Weren't you supposed to be bulletproof?"

"I'm immune to harm from most pathetic human portable weapons, but the best amount of taken damage is the one you don't take!" Quartum replied angrily. The helicopter definitely had noticed them now, and was flying lower. Damn, he couldn't use his powers in public...

Much more oblivious to reason, which was saying something considering we're talking about Quartum and Joker, the young woman kept on shooting madly, although for all she shot, her accuracy left much to be desired. The fact the boy was so inhumanly fast didn't help either; before she knew it, he and the green haired harlot were out of sight already, no doubt gone across the rooftops.

Cursing her luck violently, the redhead ignored the police's final warnings to stop and just jumped back to her apparent death in a narrow alley below.

But when they looked down into it moments after, they found no body.

After hopping a few blocks away, Quartum stopped and looked back. "I think we lost those morons," he said, then looked at the woman in his arms, who was holding a golden shovel with a very clashing purple handle in her hands now. "Where did you get that?"

"It just kinda appeared out of nowhere in my hands when Reddie was shooting at us. Nifty, huh?" she grinned, giving Quartum a playful mock whack on the head with it. "Wanna go find some people to bury?"

Somewhere, Kitsu Chiri tensed. "Someone is using one of my schnichts… AND IS DOING IT IMPROPERLY!"

For all answer, he squeezed her neck, making her eyes figuratively pop out as his burned not so figuratively. "Good idea. Tell you what, you'll go first. Unless you can tell me what happened to—"

The woman he had been strangling had just turned back into a man. The shovel had vanished into thin air as well, but that was only a minor point in comparison. Seemingly.

"— Joker?"

"Oh, ah, oh, don't stop. I mean, about time, sonny! Told ya so! See? You shoulda seen through the appearances! My fabulous brand of insanity is unique and knows no borders! That Chiri a few paragraphs back WISHES she was as good as me!"

Quartum facepalmed. "What the hell are you, after all?"

"Entertainment!" was the simple reply. "The real question is, who was Miss Congeniality back there?"

"Hopefully, only a stain on the pavement now..." the construct growled hatefully.

Several blocks away, a girl with short, light brown hair breathed heavily as she adjusted her glasses, running down the street and trying her best to meld in with the crowds of Cinema Town.

Oh my God, what was I thinking? I almost got myself killed there! I've got stop doing these things...! Ah, and I'm late to return those books to the library! I hope I can make it back home in time...!

...

The Kyoto National Museum.

Hasegawa Sora had never been there before, and it showed. She never had looked after a large group of junior high girls all by herself either, and it showed as well. As she frantically checked in all directions looking for the surely tragically slain or kidnapped Hakase Satomi (who, actually, had only gone to the toilet without announcing it first), Chisame took the chance to pull an uneasy Setsuna aside and ask her a few things, with Misora, Matoi, Evangeline, Chachamaru, and the rest of Ala Alba looking on while Calculator's robot maids stood peripherally. Akira, Ako, Yuuna and Zazie were distracted elsewhere checking on a few of the displays.

"Alright, Sakurazaki," the hacker said. "Now we've got some free time, I'd like to know exactly what's the deal between you and that maniac from last night."

Setsuna grumbled reluctantly. "I don't have time for that. I should be going off to protect Ojou-sama…"

"No, she's with Sensei and Asuna, not to mention your much stronger, more experienced counterpart with more swords, and more experienced Ministra besides!" Chisame said. "Stop squirming around and look at our faces when we're asking you something, okay? At least the other you is polite to others!"

Chibi-Konoka looked pleadingly up at Setsuna, and the swordswoman could feel her resolve starting to melt. "I'd like know that too, Setsuna-han. After all, we never met Tsukuyomi before in our world until she tried to kidnap me in Kyoto."

Setsuna felt herself squirming at that. "What is there to say? Tsukuyomi and me share a father, yes. What does that matter here? Neither of us has ever met that man face to face. And while we were educated together for a while, I ignore why is she working for our enemies now. I understand she turned to a mercenary life, but I had no idea she had stooped so low," she said, trying to keep her voice low. "Supporting someone who reads Twilight! Abominable!"

Misora scratched her head. "I don't get it. If neither of you know your father, why were you raised together?"

Setsuna sighed. "Our father is David Cain, killer for hire and globetrotter. It seems, around fifteen years ago, he began stalking Japan, where he enjoyed the company of several women, including one member of my clan and one of the daughters of the Aoyama patriarch. Tsukuyomi and me were considered a disgrace to our respective families, and I was assigned to learning under two sisters of another Aoyama branch, Tsuruko-sempai and Motoko-sempai."

"Wow, it's like a soap opera!" Misora said.

"It sounds like a perfectly normal childhood," Evangeline sniffed.

Setsuna frowned. "I recall being told Tsukuyomi was educated by an older teacher and trusted friend of her grandfather, but I never met her until shortly before being sent to live at the Konoe Mansion. She already was eccentric then; her mother was a peculiar woman as well, or so I was told. Quickly, she latched onto me, and I could tell she never had any friends before me. I endured her for a long time, and for a while, after meeting Ojou-sama, she seemed to improve. Then Ojou-sama had her… accident."

"Huh?" Chisame blinked.

"She… fell into a river," Setsuna explained. "I tried to rescue her, but I almost drowned myself. Ojou-sama's honorable father saved us, but I had learned a harsh truth. I couldn't protect Konoka Ojou-sama, because I was weak, soft, unreliable. I resolved to stop lounging around and focus my whole body and mind into honing my skills for her."

"You should have trained much, much harder," Evangeline said, bored.

"Master, please…" Chachamaru said.

"No, Eva-sama is right," Setsuna's head hung in shame. "Try as much as I can, I'm still not up to the task. I couldn't protect Ojou-sama alone!"

"Ugh! A Setsuna angsting over her insecurities," Calculator moaned. "I thought we were past that."

"You were going against that crazy girl, a crazy mage, two crazy killer brats, a crazy fire user, and a crazy woman piloting a giant metal bunny. Of course you couldn't do that alone!" Chisame grumbled. "No one could!"

Evangeline snorted.

"No one human," Chisame corrected herself.

"Better," Eva replied icily.

"I thought Ala Alba—?" Chachamaru began, but Chisame slapped a hand over the gynoid's mouth.

"What happened to Tsukuyomi after that, Setsuna?" Misora asked.

"She was sent back to her old teacher," Setsuna's tone grew even more ominous now. "Who was found dead on Tsukuyomi's tenth birthday, and she vanished from the Aoyama compound that very same day."

Chisame and Misora's faces betrayed sheer horror. Konoka and Chibi-Chisame's faces twisted in disgust. Evangeline and Chachamaru didn't even flinch. "Yeah, that sounds about right," Evangeline commented.

"Sounds like she might be related to Chiri-chan…" Matoi mused.

"Since then, from what I have gathered, she has travelled the world as a sword for hire," Setsuna sighed. "I know I should hate her, but somehow, whenever I think of her, I only can think of how I could have been the same, if Eishun-sama, Tsuruko-sempai and Motoko-sempai hadn't cared so much about me. Everyone else in the clan hated Tsukuyomi and me."

"But you aren't an Aoyama yourself. What about your birt—" Chachamaru began.

Chibi-Konoka, Chibi-Chisame, and both robot maids slammed their elbows into Chachamaru's sides.

Setsuna remained silent for a few long moments before saying, "I have no reason to tell you that much. Besides," she perked her attention up, "Your sister already found Hakase-san, Chisame-san. Let's rejoin the group."

And she walked away without waiting for anything else.

"You know, I never thought I'd ever meet someone who made you look relaxed and happy," Misora told Chisame.

The Net Idol huffed. "I'm always relaxed and happy after beating up fake nuns. I really hope you'll someday see how true that is!"

"I suddenly have a greater appreciation of how much Sakurazaki has unclenched," Calculator said, watching her walk away.

….

Interlude: The Bottled City

Another Dimension.

"So, how's it going, Brainiac?" Mattie Hagen, aka Clayface, asked, hands on her hips, as she and the team walked behind their mentor, walking through the deepest parts of her laboratory.

Mildred Fine outwardly ignored the new usage of the hated nickname, but bristled inside. Nothing of it reflected in her cold, serene voice. "If you are talking about my advances with the transdimensional technology Joker just asked me about repeatedly, then yes, Clayface, I have made meaningful progress lately, although I expect no actual experimentations to take place in at least six months and five days."

"Cool…!" Jacqueline cooed. "I'll be able to see Akira again…!"

Batgirl grunted softly. "Hnh."

"Oh, for the love of…!" Alexandra Luthor, the Mockingird, rolled her emerald eyes around. "What was so great about that girl? She was inexpert, barely competent, annoyingly submissive and clueless…"

"There's no need to get jealous, Lex!" Joker sing-sang. "You know you'll always be my dear Number Three!"

"Shoot yourself!" Lex snarled.

Batgirl cringed, knowing she was the most likely 'Number One' in Joker's demented ranking.

Riddler whistled to herself until she stopped next to a huge bottle holding a complex futuristic diorama inside of it. "What's this?" she asked, questioning like always. "Is it only a model? It doesn't look like a model, there are all sorts of rails moving inside, and tiny ant like beings swarming around, too. Are they alien ants? Termites?"

"Civilization of ants from outer space?" Joker looked over her shoulder. "Where?"

"To my growing horror, I feel myself unable to wonder about these kind of situations anymore," Mockingbird said dryly.

"Pretty much," Batgirl nodded sagely.

"These are no ants," Brainiac came closer. "They are miniaturized humanoids from the doomed planet Krypton. Before their homeworld exploded, I managed to encapsulate them inside of this self-sustaining habitat irradiated with red sunlight. You are beholding the bottled city of Kandor."

"You mean these are actual tiny people?" Clayface gasped. "Man, then why don't you release them?-! Keeping little people like this is just… just…!"

"Bad?" Riddler offered.

"Thank you. You know I'm bad with words."

"Were they released in this planet, your local yellow sunlight and light gravity would give the Kandorians superhuman strength, speed, and powers far above your understanding. Then they would conquer your puny planet in less than one week, turning it into a cold, emotionless New Krypton," Brainiac monotoned.

Clayface stepped back. "Well, it was only a suggestion!"

"That's why I have always hated aliens," Lex snorted. She added quickly, "Present company excluded!"

"I understand the feeling perfectly, Alexandra Luthor," Brainiac replied. "I feel a deeply engrained dislike for alien beings, as well."

"We're alien beings for you, aren't we?" Riddler asked.

"Why ask questions when you already know the answer, Evelyn Nygma?" Brainiac questioned back.

Meanwhile, Joker put her hands around the bottle and shook it around. "Wheeee! Earthquake!-!"

Batgirl's eyes bulged out. "Stop that, you madwoman!"

The clown girl giggled cutely. "C'mon, Bats, it's just a joke…!"

Brainiac took some readings. "…"

Lex sighed. "How many did she kill?"

"Kill?" Joker blinked.

Brainiac waved the issue away. "That is of no real importance. The losses have been on an acceptable scale. Follow me. We are on a schedule."

"Losses?" Joker wondered again.

Batgirl punched her in the head.

Miss Freeze, as habitual, said absolutely nothing.

Even to this day, seven hundred years after, Kandor still fears the Big Grinning White Face in the Sky.

….

Strategies Clash!

"Asuna, let's go see the Buddha statue together!" Haruna popped out of nowhere to land on Kagurazaka from behind, catching her in an air-squeezing hug, much to Negi's surprise.

"Agh!" Asuna gasped, trying to shake her off. It'd have worked on almost any 3-A girl, but Haruna had that damn Anything Goes Dojo Training or whatever making her harder to push back than most. "Okay, I'll go, but lemme breathe, you idiot!"

"You too, Konoka," Yue grabbed the Konoe heiress by a hand and began pulling her along with them. "You know this area better than anyone, and there are a few things I wanted to ask you..."

Konoka blinked. "But Yue-chan, haven't you read all books and travel guides on Kyoto?"

"Th-There are some things you can't learn even from reading!" Ayase said, pulling on her a bit harder.

Konoka relented easily. "Okay, sure. Negi-kun, will you come with—"

"No! I mean, these are 'Off Limit' hours for male visitors!" Haruna lied. "Only females will be allowed for the next hour!"

Konoka blinked. "Huh? Since when—"

"I-It was decided a month ago after, um, some major groping incidents between tourists!" Yue added hastily.

"If you want to avoid gropings, why are we taking Haruna along?" Asuna asked.

Paru chuckled and rubbed her knuckles on Asuna's scalp. "Ah, always so funny, Asuna-chan! A true laugh riot...!"

"But we can't leave Negi-kun here all alone..." Konoka doubted. "I know! I'll call on Iincho to keep him company! I'm sure she won't mi—"

Haruna interrupted her again. "No need for that! Nodo-chan will take care of it, right, Nodo-chan?"

"Ah! Ah, y-yes!" the shy librarian nodded. "I'm... I'm phobic to giant Buddhas anyway!"

"Phobic?" Asuna asked. "Is that contagious?"

Haruna sighed and kept on pulling on her arm. "Good thing you have looks and heart, Asuna-chan..."

Negi laughed, amused by his students' antics. "You go, girls. Yu-chan, you wouldn't mind going with them, would you?" he asked the Lolified Setsuna.

'Yu' shook her head. "Not at all. I'll be happy to," she said, looking forward to some time spent with the other Konoka, plus actually inclined to allow the local Nodoka to finally get a kickstart with Negi. "Why don't you come with us, Nelly-chan!"

"Oh, okay," the Mage said, a bit confused. He felt like he was missing something…

Haruna smiled to herself, believing Negi's suggestion had something to do with wanting to be alone with Nodoka, rather than wanting Konoka to be well watched. And if it separated him from his fiancée, all the better! All was fair in love and war, and if you couldn't protect your claim, you deserved to lose it! Paru gave her shy friend a wink as they left, leaving a blissfully ignorant Negi and a gulping, blushing Nodoka behind.

"Well, where would you like to go now, Miyazaki-san?" he asked her.

"Ah, eh, well, I actually..." she babbled, hands crossed before herself, "I will be okay... with anything you..."

Then a voice piped in from behind them, just as shyly, "Why don't we go visit the Kasuga Taisha Treasure House?"

"Oh?" Negi turned around, just as Nodoka's face betrayed a baffled disappointment. "Murakami-san! Where is Naba-san?"

Natsumi blushed as well, as if a bit annoyed by the question. "I— I don't have to spend all my time with Chizu-nee, Sensei! She's... hanging around Iincho and Makie-san at the botanical gardens, but I had no interest in that..." she stuck to the excuse Chizuru had made for her.

At the same time, at the Botanical Gardens, Chizuru had made up a bogus story about people being able to gain true love if they smelled all 250 species of plants on display. Sure enough, Ayaka and Makie had fallen for it easily, and now were head to head around Plant 126. Once they were done, Chizuru would just make something else up. She had learned expert lying efficiency from her father, after all...

"Well, the Treasure House sounds good!" Negi agreed firmly. "Is that okay with you, Miyazaki-san?"

"Oh, ah, sure, Negi-sensei!" Nodoka gave some very quick nods. "I'd love to be there with you! With you two, I mean!"

Natsumi sighed. Nodoka was a wrench in her plans, but she'd think of a way around her along the walk. "Okay, then follow me. Chizu-nee told me it was this way..."

….

Wonderland

Chigusa sat at the head of the large table, looking like a real Queen of Hearts in her crimson kimono, and fuming just as if she was getting ready to order some beheadings. Sitting near her, Tsukuyomi cut her bread carefully with the sharpest knife on the table, Hansel and Gretel entranced by her every move. Kotaro yawned, supremely bored.

Michael Garret was too busy analyzing the reports of last night's attempt, while Fasalina-san helped him. The Mad Hatter's Wonderland Gang sat slightly further from everyone else, muttering to each other in English. The White Rabbit's chair was notoriously empty, with only a plushie white rabbit on it.

"She's late, she's late, she's late…" Hatter repeated grimly, serving tea for everyone. However, no one touched it until Kotaro grabbed his cup, sniffed it carefully, and declared flatly, "It's safe."

Only then did Chigusa swallow her cup's contents in a single angry gulp. "A perfectly good hideout, we had to abandon," she hissed. "A humiliating defeat, in every sense of the word. They have seen our faces, and they have an idea what to expect from us. We lost the surprise element, and we'll be fortunate if they don't cancel the trip and head back to Mahora…"

"They won't yet," the pale girl with the short white hair refused Hatter's offer of tea with a polite gesture. Tetch scowled bitterly, but said nothing. "And we still have several options to play."

"Yes, yes," Chigusa pushed her glasses up and rubbed her nose. "You're right, of course. And now we also know what to expect, so we're even. There's also the question of why would there be two Ojou-samas…"

"One of them was obviously an impersonator," Michael opined.

"No," Amagasaki said. "Both of them had that power. I'm convinced that, somehow, they both are genuine. But there never was any information about Eishun-sama having more than one daughter…"

"Ahh, two Hime-samas…" Tsukuyomi sighed happily, sinking her small teeth into her bread. "But only the younger one is mine. I have no interest in older replicas, Chigusa-han, so you can keep that one!"

The woman sneered. "If we could use both their powers, we could do far more than resurrecting the Demon God. Why, coupled with the young woman from another world, we could even create our own Demon God…"

"How are you so sure she's from another world?" Kotaro asked, frowning.

"There's nothing like her described in any book on the mystical from this world," said Chigusa. "I'm sure she holds power as great as Ojou-sama's, or perhaps even greater. We only need to learn how to master it."

"Hime-sama is cuter, though," Tsukuyomi huffed primly.

"How did you and that girl get to know each other, by the way?" asked Kotaro.

"I must admit I feel curious about it," Fasalina nodded calmly. "I'd love to hear about it, assuming you don't mind…"

"Me? No, of course not," the girl with glasses replied, sipping her tea elegantly. "You know I'm always willing to share myself in body and soul, Fasalina-san. Well, I'll tell you everything. And you don't need to slip away, Kotaro-kun…"

"I'm going to the toilet," the boy lied, and quickly scampered away. Why had he bothered to ask her in the first place?

Tsukuyomi pouted cutely. "I'm really starting to get the impression Kotaro-kun dislikes me. Either way, to understand my relationship with Hime-sama, you must know exactly from where I came…" The improper emphasis on the last word was enough to make Michael feel uncomfortable immediately. "This is the story of how I came to be what I'm now, and what happened between Oneesama, Hime-sama and me…"

….

Questions, Questions…!

Some place in Cinema Town:

"I'm not laughing, dammit!" Joker hollered. "Bruno's supposed to be the gender confusion-inducing member of the gang! So talk! Tell me what's the deal with this... this unasked for makeover! And why didn't I get bigger breasts?-!"

"This is a waste of time..." a bored again Quartum muttered from a corner of the room, with his arms crossed.

Ruri sat at her favorite computer, dutifully taking notes of every word said so far in the questioning, as solemn as ever.

Mo, Lar and Cur simply sat there watching the proceedings unfold stupidly.

Joker paced back and forth before the stuffed lion placed on a chair, with several lamps shining on him. "After getting you last night, Mister, I was turned into a woman, chased around, shot, and nearly killed! And I'm no Ranma 1/2 character! So tell me already! I want to know everything! Especially if I'll have periods from now on!"

A long silence.

"Maybe we should call Dent," Joker pondered. "This kind of 'How do you plead' thing is his specialty."

"Perhaps," Ruri spoke as softly as ever, "your gender bending curse will cease to be if you destroy the doll..."

It talked immediately. "I'm Burnt Alive Lion, a Messenger for the Moderators! Pleased to meet you!"

Mo and Cur backed away, horrified. Lar, however, only snorted. "What's so scary about this? I've worked for Scarface..."

Quartum blinked. "Why hadn't you talked before?"

"We're forbidden from contacting anyone but Kampferin unless our very existence is threatened!" the plush said before telling Joker, "Congratulations, you've been chosen to become a Kampfer!"

Joker slammed a hand down on his head. "First things first, Leo! Periods, yes or not?"

"No..." the doll gurgled from under his palm.

Joker took the hand back and nodded. "Better."

The plushie sprang back up, recovering its prior non-squashed form. "You've been selected as The Anomaly, the rare and unique Purple Kampfer!"

"That doesn't sound too canon," Joker lampshaded. Undaunted, the lion continued.

"The red and blue teams of Kampfer will be, not only trying to kill each other, but also you! However, by killing other Kampfer, you might be able to assimilate your powers into your own! Or not, who knows. We've never had a Purple Kampfer before..."

"Killing?" Joker smiled.

"Powers?" Quartum seemed lightly interested.

"Teams?" Ruri asked.

The lion nodded. "There'll be three teams of Kampfer, the chosen warriors! The Red and Blue teams will oppose each other in their competition to destroy you and become the supreme Kampfer! The white team under the Moderators' direct control will be charged with enforcing the contest's rules, destroy the outside forces that might interfere, and generally dick around! All Kampfer must be female, so that's why we inflicted that change upon you!"

"... This lacks any sort of logics whatsoever," Ruri commented. "And shouldn't it be 'pussy around'?"

Joker nodded. "My kind of game!"

"Your bracelet will shine when there's another Kampfer near, and then you'll transform to do battle! However, over time, you'll learn how to transform back and forth, enemies or not! As soon as a threat is over, you'll change back to your..." the lion paused. "...let's say 'normal' self."

"Don't call me 'normal'!" Joker yelled.

Hito Nami sneezed.

"Who are those 'Moderators'?" Quartum questioned quite quizzically.

"I don't know," said the toy.

"Why are they setting up this pointless competition?" Ruri remarked rather rapidly.

"I have no idea. I'm only a messenger. Wanna tug on my guts?" he offered Ruri his dangling plush intestines. Quartum scowled.

"Can I become a hot woman too?" Cur spoke next.

Everyone else shot him a glare.

"Gee, I was jus' askin'..." the bald henchman excused himself.

"Where are those other 'Kampfer' hiding, how many of them there are, and who are they?" the Clown Prince of Crime asked again.

"How would I know?-!" Burnt Alive Lion protested.

The deadly comedian snarled. "You aren't a world of help, did you know that, Leo?"

"Duh, I'm a parody Magical Girl mascot And my name is..."

"Your name's Leo from now on!" Joker decided.

"The plan..." Quartum began.

"The plan will go on as scheduled, Quarty!" Joker replied. "The show must go on! We'll deal with this little side attraction later! Meanwhile, boys, call Bruno and tell her I want lots and lots of female clothes my size! All panties will be racy! All bras will have padding!"

"You aren't so small," Ruri opined. "You have no need to develop a breast complex."

"Easy for you to say, Lil' Miss Potako!" the gang's leader sizzled.

"Pettanko," Ruri corrected.

"Same difference! And I don't have a breast complex! And I don't care if Ivy and Catwoman are bigger than me!"

He bit his ruby lower lip and breathed in and out heavily.

Ruri, Quartum, the henchmen, and even the lion traded rolling eye behind his back.

….

Life is Its Own Punishment and Reward, Part 1

"The first thing I remember is holding a sword," Tsukuyomi sighed dreamily, hands on her cheeks. "Grandpa had just given it to me, saying that since I was an Aoyama, I had to follow the path of the blade. Then he slapped me very hard. When I cried and asked him why he'd done that, he told me it was so I would remember that moment for the rest of my life. I think he stole the idea from the Orlando Bloom Crusades movie."

"Cute," Chigusa deadpanned.

"Grandpa never placed high hopes on me, though. He was always angry because he had no sons, and thought the family lineage would die with us. He had adopted Eishun-sama, but it wouldn't be the same thing, of course…" the young girl went on.

"My father was the same," Fasalina nodded. "He was so disappointed in me he sold me to the geisha house. Of course, there was also the fact we were about to die of hunger…"

Chigusa wondered when Mad Hatter had become the sanest, second most normal person in her group.

"Please, Fasalina-han, this is my story," the sword master chided, with a cute pout. "You always can tell us your lovely saga of gangbangs and barely avoiding lethal diseases later. As I was saying, Grandpa didn't want to have anything to do with me personally, so he sent me to study under his friend Kotsubo-sensei."

"Ah," the Hatter crossed his fingers together. "And he was the one to teach you all your fantastic skills, Alice?"

"Well, he taught me a lot," Tsukuyomi reminisced. "Like I said, I studied under him. And on him. And standing before him. And sitting on his lap. And—"

Michael made a shocked face all of a sudden. "Wait, what?"

Tsukuyomi sighed. "We studied everywhere. In the backyard, in his garden, in his bedroom, in the bath… And in between we'd practice kendo too."

Chigusa choked on her tea. Homura had become as pale as a ghost's bedsheet. Hatter seemed intrigued. His gang members gathered behind him didn't understand a word of Japanese, so they only chattered amongst themselves, making fun of the locals.

"Ahhh, he was so good with that sword!" Tsukuyomi cooed. "He really knew how to pierce, how to twist it in, how to pull it out and stab again. And he could keep doing it for hours!"

"We're still talking about kendo, aren't we?" Homura asked, daring to be hopeful.

Sextum glanced at her blandly. "What else could she be talking about?"

Tsukuyomi put a finger on her lips. "To this day, I still don't know if Grandpa knew or not. I guess he eventually suspected something, since he had me sent to live with Hime-sama after a few years of that. You know, if he really wanted a son that much, he just had to wait! I wouldn't have minded giving him one if it meant he'd finally love me!"

Michael grimaced horribly and put a hand on his stomach. Hatter made a thoughtful humming sound. Chigusa and Homura looked as if they had just seen the Devil himself. "Too… Decadent… Habits-y…" Homura moaned.

"How could you give him a son?" Sextum asked. "I was unaware you had access to construct-creating equipment."

Chigusa, Michael, Fasalina and Mad Hatter all blinked.

Amagasaki then leaned on Homura. "She… She doesn't know anything about human reproduction yet?"

The girl from another world shook her head. She looked at her mistress then. "Please ask Dynamis-sama."

The pale girl nodded. "I understand."

It was the thing her followers usually told her when faced with that kind of conundrums, after all.

Somewhere in Mundus Magicus, Dynamis had a sudden feeling he'd better stock up on aspirins before his prized construct's return.

"Meeting Oneesama was love at first sight!" Tsukuyomi's voice fluttered gleefully. "She was everything I could hope for in someone else. She was strong, good with a sword, pretty and… not human," she smirked in a devious way.

"Pardon?" Michael asked.

"Never mind, Michael-kun! Regardless, I could tell Oneesama liked me too. She never had a family of her own, after all, no matter how hard Motoko-sempai and Tsuruko-sempai tried. We were so happy for a while! And even happier after moving to Hime-sama's big fancy house! It was weird to have someone loving you without sticking things into you, but I adapted."

Hatter dried his eyes with a tissue. "Beautiful! Perfectly beautiful!"

"Yes, we were inseparable, the three of us! Sure, Hime-sama would disliked it when I tossed stones at the birds, or when I tried to hit the servants' children with my boken, but I complied, because true love conquers all, doesn't it? Love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy, boast, or be proud, it does not dishonor others, be self-seeking, easily angered, keep no record of wrongs, delight in evil…"

Homura rolled her eyes sarcastically.

Tsukuyomi just kept going. "Love never fails! When every star in the heavens grows cold, and when silence lies once more on the face of the deep, three things will endure! Faith! Hope! And Love! And the greatest of these is Love!"

Somewhere, Matoi sneezed.

"Okay, where's the obligatory sinister twist?" Chigusa grew dryly impatient to just get it over with.

And Tsukuyomi's eyes grew somber, as if on cue. Her hat slipped down a bit, obscuring her features.

"We all loved each other. I never had any issue with Hime-sama loving Oneesama. Or Oneesama loving Hime-sama."

A pause, and then her voice seethed, like that of an inhuman beast.

"But our love was supposed to be equal and fair in all directions!"

Chigusa rolled her eyes. "Called it."

Small hands clutched her sword's handle. "They weren't supposed to like each other more than they liked me. So I had to do it, right? Hime-sama was being mean, taking all of Oneesama's love for herself, leaving me behind, so far behind. She had no right, even if she was a princess, and when I asked her to stop being so mean, she only giggled and acted as if she had no idea at all. She mocked me, she was so bad…"

Hansel and Gretel were nodding with sympathy, while Michael's ill gut feeling grew again.

"So as soon as she turned her back to me, I pushed her, and that's the only crime I'll ever regret. Not because she didn't deserve it, because she did, but because it made Oneesama hate me…"

"Wait, you pushed her into a—?" Homura asked.

Tsukuyomi's eyes glinted. "It wasn't a very deep river. I was sure Onesama, always so able and strong, could rescue her, but Oneesama was weak, and Eishun-sama had to do it. And Konoeko-sama was mad, and she called me the devil's child. She never liked us too much, see? She kicked me out, and it hurt so much, in my soul, in my heart, in—"

She breathed in and out, very deeply, very quick, eyes growing red before calming back down, fixing a saintly smile on her face.

"But it's all okay now! I've forgiven Hime-sama, and looks like she doesn't remember I pushed her, so we can resume from where we left!"

Michael, Chigusa and Homura made identical disgusted expressions. Sextum kept her stoical flat face, not really getting it. Hatter and Fasalina hummed thoughtfully.

"What did you do from there, my dear Alice?" Tetch offered her another cup of tea.

Tsukuyomi accepted the tea with a polite bow. "Well, I was sent back to Kotsubo-sensei's side! And there, I learned the final lesson I ever needed from him…"

...

The Wisdom of Romance.

"Okay then, Nodoka!" Haruna told her, grabbing Miyazaki by the shoulders. "This is it! Your great chance! Your golden ticket! Your passage way to ecstasy! Yue and me will distract Asuna and Iincho, and the rest's a piece of cake!"

"Don't forget Makie," Yue said. "She did kiss Sensei yesterday, so she shouldn't be overlooked…"

Haruna waved a hand. "All we need to distract Makie-chan is tying anything shiny to a branch and telling her to play with it."

Nodoka sweatdropped. "Um, girls, I appreciate your help immensely, but I've… I've been having second thoughts about this, and… and I…"

Yue and Haruna leveled cold glares on her.

"W-W-What…?" Nodoka stammered.

"Don't make me slap you," Paru hissed.

"Don't make me let her slap you, Nodoka," Yue added.

"You too, Yue?-!" Nodoka gasped. "P-Please, keep things in perspective! We should be happy with just… enjoying Negi-sensei's f-f-friendship! Otherwise, we might regret our actions!"

"You'll regret if you leave the path open to all your competition, silly girl!" Haruna chided. "Do you think Iincho and Makie are going to sit back and do nothing until Negi-kun is of legal age? Often, if you want something, you must gamble! Take risks! Bend a few laws!"

"On second thought, maybe Nodoka has a point…" Yue began to consider.

"Nonsense!" Haruna barked. "Like Auntie Shampoo always says, 'Sometimes, to get your man, you must break down a few walls, invade his personal space, and terrorize your rivals a little'! It may look ugly, but in the War Of Love, you take the bad along with the good!" She tightened a fist in a clearly Ranma-esque way. "Don't back off, Nodoka-chan! I'll be with you every step of the road! Even if you're caught in the act, I'll spring you outta jail with Auntie Kodachi's contacts!"

"Didn't she used to say 'Other woman are obstacles! Obstacles are for killing!'?" Yue asked.

"She hasn't talked that way since I was a child!" Haruna protested.

Nodoka began to hyperventilate at the idea of being socially-branded seductress of minors, not to mention sharing a cell with big burly manly girls who looked like Kenshiro with pigtails…

"Not helping at all, Haruna!" Yue said.

...

Life is Its Own Punishment and Reward, Part 2

"Well," Tsukuyomi reassumed his narrative, "When I returned to Kotsubo-sensei's home, he seemed very, very happy to see me again. Either was, or there was a kodachi in his poc—"

Chigusa interrupted her, holding a hand up. "A moment, please." Then she addressed Sextum. "Averruncus-han, go find Kotaro-han and go patrol the very outer perimeter with him. The very limits of it. We… might have intruders any moment now."

"That makes sense," the pale girl nodded and stood up. "I'll report on anything I happen to notice," she informed before leaving.

Tsukuyomi scowled. "I thought this hideout was completely safe and impossible to find!"

"I have my standards," Chigusa said, extending a cup for Hatter to refill. The short man did so promptly.

"Thank you," Homura said sincerely.

Tsukuyomi waved a finger. "You shouldn't shield children from the realities of life so much! Otherwise, they'll never grow up functional and able to hold onto jobs like me. Regardless, while Sensei seemed happy to see me at first, I couldn't help notice his teachings were harsher now. I think he was mad at me because the rumors had brought his reputation down, or because I had left him, or both. He didn't watch Doraemon or snuff movies with me anymore," she lamented. "It was all practice, practice, practice now. And never the bed-type anymore."

"A true loss for all mankind," Homura snorted.

"Don't get me wrong. I loved how he tried that much harder in the sword practice now. Finally, I felt like he wanted to hurt me, to actually try, to push me to my limits. But still… he wasn't as fun anymore," the Aoyama said. "I could tell he didn't love me now. And I wondered what I had done wrong this time."

"I think you do at least seventy wrong things each morning before breakfast, and I've known you for less than a month," Homura replied bluntly, ignoring the truly killing glares Hansel and Gretel were shooting her way.

"Then one morning, he looked as if he had changed back. I could tell he had done some long… hard… deep… mmmmm… thinking the night before, and he had come to a conclusion regarding me. He took me back to our old favorite room and showed me a…"

The ensuing words made everyone in the room but those who didn't understand Japanese spit out their tea.

"… he then tied me to the bed, keeping my legs free so I could kick around. He liked it when I kicked, and I played along," Tsukuyomi reminisced sweetly. "Then he pulled out a…"

The gestures she made while narrating the next part were enough to make the Wonderland gang understand she was saying some really twisted and sickening stuff. That impression was helped by the way Mad Hatter had paled, his eyes growing wide, his forehead glistening with sweat. And not in his usual way.

"… Sensei couldn't have enough of that, though, and he turned me around…"

Seven words after, Homura grabbed her stomach, held a hand over her mouth, and ran for the bathroom. Oblivious, Tsukuyomi continued.

"… When we were done with that, he forced my mouth open, and…"

The way Hatter's hands shook now worried his gang's members. The obese Walrus fidgeted, unsure of what to do. The slim, young woman in the Carpenter clothes chewed on her lower lip, fearing the worst. The towering, simple Humpty Dumpty was the only one dumb enough to only smile good naturedly, enjoying the bright expressions of the pretty girl. Twedledee and Twedledum bit their finger nails.

Tsukuyomi looked at them and chirped in a choppy English learned after years of jobs for foreigners, "By way, if you want know what I saying, I saying about man who once—"

Her translation work was enough to make the Carpenter shriek, the Walrus shrill like a girl, and Dee and Dum weep. And not only for the grammar.

Then she returned to Japanese for the big finish. "— and then, after I wiped my body clean, I could see he was getting ready for the money shot. The big finish. The ultimate thrill. He'd bought out the body glitter and was making practice saying 'Edward'. But I wasn't ready yet, see? I still had a lot to live for! Like Oneesama. And Hime-sama. So I did it before he could."

She giggled very cutely. "It was my first time. At killing, I mean. It helped it was for a good cause. It felt… way better than anything I'd ever done before. Or anything I'd do after, for that matter. They say the first time is always the sweetest, and I've got to agree. Oh, Sensei. You were my first in so many things. I'll always will be grateful to your memory…!"

Hansel and Gretel swooned.

Chigusa had hidden her face between her hands.

Mad Hatter was dropping pill after pill into his cup of tea.

Tsukuyomi lifted an index finger and chirped. "Then I took all his stashed cash, ran away, and set up my own business! I knew no one would look after me the way he had, so I had to start looking after myself like a big girl! Luckily, it all worked out in the end, and I even got to meet people as nice as you all!"

Michael slumped down on his chair, trembling, and wondering what was he doing there exactly.

Homura's voice came from the bathroom. "Ugh, I don't remember ever eating this!"

Triple Date

The Treasure House, Natsumi decided, was not as a romantic place as she had hoped, after all. Negi-sensei seemed to like it a lot, however, so she supposed it was okay. Or rather, it would have been if only Honya-chan hadn't been there as well.

She didn't dislike Nodoka at all, although they hardly ever talked to each other, but she had to get her out off the way somehow and soon, before Asuna's short attention span ran out and she returned bringing Konoka along. The problem was how to do it without being too obvious. Argh, it was frustrating! Chizu-nee was supposed to be the swiftly devious schemer, not her! She couldn't do this on her own!

"Ahhh... The patterns on this wall are very pretty, aren't they...?" Nodoka was asking, struggling to get the words out.

"Yes, they are!" Negi nodded enthusiastically.

"Ah, yes!" Natsumi remembered Chizu-nee's advice on jumping onto any chance that came along. "I... I think I'd like to decorate my walls like that when I marry!"

"Ah, ha ha ha! Y-Yes, me too!" Nodoka agreed. "I mean, someday! N-Not like I've thought a lot about that yet!"

"O-Of course!" Natsumi said. "Err, I don't mean you're unfit for marriage or anything, Honya-chan! It's just, uh, you, I mean we, are still too young for that!"

"D-Definitely!" Nodoka nodded clumsily.

Negi thought they looked uneasy for some reason, and decided to act on it. "Um, aren't you feeling hot in here...?"

"N-N-NO!-!" both girls cried at once.

Negi blinked, and then laughed shakily. "Oh! Oh, I see. I guess it's just me, then. Never mind..."

Natsumi blinked. "Oh! But... if you're feeling hot... I mean, if you're feeling it's too hot here, wh-why don't we go out and walk around to refresh ourselves? Y-You come from Wales, so I suppose you'll feel better in colder climates..."

"W-well, not so cold, but yes," he admitted.

Nodoka inhaled and said. "L-Let's go see the koi ponds! I've always liked those!"

Then she eeped, seeing two black ahoge peeking from behind a large tea set display, twitching around behind Negi and Natsumi's backs. Almost panicking, she started to herd them out before they could notice anything. "Y-Yes, and I just remembered they, they close in half a hour! So let's better hurry, okay?"

Natsumi blinked a few times. "Exactly how do they close a pond?"

"I don't know, but I don't want to find out!" Nodoka said, all but pushing them out with herself.

Once they were gone, Haruna's head peeked out, and she made a disapproving sound with her tongue.

Meanwhile, at the Buddha, Konoka looked in all directions. "Eh? Where did Paru-chan go?"

Yue groaned to herself. "We can't take our eyes off her for a single minute..."

Asuna put her hands together and bowed her head to the Buddha statue. "Ah, she's gone already? My first prayer was granted!"

Three's a Crowd

"It's a pretty pond," Nodoka pondered, in a statement for the ages.

"Yeah, it is," Natsumi gloriously expanded.

They crossed their arms behind their backs and twiddled their fingers nervously, while looking down at the pond.

Negi, on the other hand, was fascinated, crouching before the pond and watching the world under the surface with childlike wonder. His eyes followed each fish as they passed around, his mouth half-open cutely. "Uwaaa! Look, look, it's all so amazing! I could spend the whole day here...!"

Natsumi and Nodoka both cringed at that statement.

"When I have a house of my own, I'll get one of these for my backyard...!" he mused, happiness evident in each word.

Now that put both girls' imaginations to work.

"N-N-Negi-husband-sensei, your lunch is ready!" a kimono-clad Nodoka said as she stepped into the backyard's porch. Her husband looked up at her, smiling, and still patting the head of the pet crocodile he had been feeding.

"Oh, I'm going right now, Nodoka-wife-san!" Negi stood up from his crouching position. The crocodile inhabiting the pond made a fond sound that almost was a bark.

Yue and Haruna peeked out behind Nodoka, both of them wearing matching kimonos. "Hurry up, the main dish's getting cold..." Yue said.

"What's the dessert?" Negi asked.

Haruna purred, parting the slitof her kimono, baring some succulent skin. "Oh, it's you and Nodo-chan's favorite. Yuecchi and Paru-chan coated on honey..."

Nodoka shook her head violently. Darn that Paru influence! Always finding its way even into her dreams for the future! For starters, normal loving couples owned no crocodiles; no matter what Paru's auntie Kodachi said! And then, normal loving couples were couples! That meant two! Not three or four! Two!

She looked over to see Natsumi standing there with a blank expression fixed into the distance. A bit worried, Nodoka touched her on a shoulder. "Murakami-san?"

Natsumi snapped back into reality abruptly. "Okay, Chizu-nee, you win! You can play in the pond with us, and you need no clo—!" She blinked and blushed. "Ah, ah, um, I mean—!"

"I-I won't judge you!" Nodoka looked away, bright red herself.

Negi looked up from the pond. "Huh? You were saying something, Miyazaki-san, Murakami-san?"

"N-Nothing!" they chorused. Chamo, sneaking around Negi's feet, only made a snickering sound.

Then a loud announcement blared over the speakers. "Murakami Natsumi-san, you are requested by a classmate of yours at the information center! She asks to meet you privately, alone!" the male voice said, making Natsumi wonder frantically. Was that Chizu-nee? Who else could it be? But then, why? And should she—

She turned around to Negi and Nodoka. "Um, I'm sure it must be Chizu-nee! I'll go see what she wants, but I'll be back right now!"

Still worried about more of his students being ambushed, Negi jumped up eagerly. "We'll go with you!"

"I repeat, privately, all alone, with no one else around!" the voice from the speakers repeated.

Natsumi blinked. "Well, err, I'm sure she has her reasons! It won't take long, I'm sure! Y-You have fun in the meanwhile, just don't wander off, and don't kis- I mean, don't stray too far away, okay?"

"But—" Negi still doubted, only to be interrupted by the sight of Chamo jumping onto Natsumi's shoulder.

"I'll be fine, Sensei!" the drama club member patted the ermine's head. "I'll be safe if I'm with Chamo-san, won't I? After all, what's the worst that could happen on the way there and back?"

"Well... yeah, sure," Negi relented. At the very least, Chamo would contact them if something bad happened, which he guessed was relatively unlikely. Why would anyone ever go after Murakami-san?

At the information booth, Haruna chuckled and went for the door. "Well, thanks for the favor, Mister! You're such a cutie!"

The young man with the pockmarked face blinked. "Wait, aren't you going to wait here for your friend?"

"Oh! Oh, of course I will!" Haruna lied very badly. "It's just I, um, have to visit the ladies' room in the meanwhile! If she gets here before I do, please tell her to wait for my return! Thanks, you're so kind!" she slipped away before he even could open his mouth again.

As she hurried away, she cackled to herself. She had done it! The perfect foolproof situation for Sensei and Nodoka! Now all it needed was the final touch to be complete...

….

….

Crouching Nodoka, Flying Haruna

Nodoka shifted uneasily on her feet, looking antsy and nervous, while an oblivious Negi continued crouching down before the nearest koi pond, looking into it with huge, fascinated eyes. She wondered if she should say something, anything, now Natsumi wasn't near, but a combination of her crippling fear and a desire to be a fair competitor kept her mouth firmly shut, until her inner Yue got sick of it and began pummeling the back of her brain with a particularly thick and heavy book (Howe To Gett Nodokas To Talke, 3732 pages). Only then did the wallflower librarian decided to act.

"Ne... Negi-sensei?"

"Yes, Miyazaki-san?"

"Well, ah, I've been thinking a lot about many things in... in my life lately. And I be-believe I've made an important decision on my future..."

He stood up and smiled at her. "Well, congratulations! It's good to see you've already decided on a career! It shows how responsible you are, Miyazaki-san!"

"Ah! Ah, n-no, it isn't that!" she squealed. "I know it's very important, but I was thinking about another thing!"

"Oh, I see! Sorry for jumping to conclusions, I won't do it again. Well, in that case, it's good to see you've decided on a place to live after graduation..."

"N-No! It isn't that either!" Nodoka said.

He shrunk back. "Ah! Sorry, I jumped to conclusions again! Please, tell me what have you decided, Miyazaki-san!"

She took in a very, very deep breath and opened her suddenly dry mouth. "I... I think... No, I'm sure... I... I love..."

"Ehhhhh?" Negi's eyes shrunk down.

And finally, Nodoka blurted it out rapidly, closing her eyes tight.

"I LOVE PUPPIES, AND I WANT TO BUY SEVERAL!"

Negi was silent for a long while, trying to process the non sequitur, before regaining a very bright smile. "I see! So you want to be an animal lover! That's a very sweet thing for a girl to do, Miyazaki-san!"

Then the loud sound of a body hitting the ground and leaves rustling startled them, making them turn around. They saw Haruna lying facefirst in a heave of fallen leaves under a dying tree, with her fingers in that goofy hand gesture all Ranma characters do after being hit or suffering through an indignity.

"P-P-PARU!" Nodoka cried.

"Saotome-san!" Negi rushed to her side. "Are you okay?"

"Ah ha ha ha!" The mangaka came back to her feet, shaking leaves off her hair. "Why, of course I am! I only stumbled and fell on my way here, that's all!"

"What... What are you doing here, Paru?" Nodoka asked.

"Well, Asuna, Konoka and Yuecchi went to buy drinks, but I wasn't thirsty, so I came back to see what were you doing!" Haruna lied in a way that would have been perfectly convincing to anyone who didn't know her well. So, only Negi. "Oh, and by the way, I ran into Chizuru and Natsumi on my way here! They were going to explore the Botanical Gardens with Iincho and Makie, Sensei! Natsumi told me she was sorry to leave like that, but asked you to enjoy your time with Nodoka!"

"Okay," Negi nodded. He thought Natsumi had started to look somewhat bored by the ponds...

To avoid the same thing repeating itself with Nodoka and Haruna, he asked, "In that case, what if we move on to visit another part of the park?"

"That's a great idea!" Haruna chirped. "I know the perfect place! There's a small passage near here, and they say anyone who passes through it will become smarter and have all their wishes come true!"

"Really?-!" Negi's eyes grew to Gigantic Shoujo size, with pastel bubbles and images of his father standing proudly before him flying all around.

Haruna nodded. "A-Yep! Follow me, Yue-chan showed me the way in her travel guide!" She began guiding them, making a huge devilish grin as soon as her back was to them.

Piece of cake! This would work even if Nodoka's shyness did its worst to spoil it!

….

It's a Trap!

"Hello," the freckled, brown-haired head peeked inside of the room. "I'm Murakami Natsumi..."

"Ah, yes, come in!" the pockmarked boy nodded. "Your friend had to go use the restroom, but she said she'd be back soon."

"Okay, thank you." She sat on the chair he was gesturing to. "Did... Did she tell you her name?"

"Ah, yeah. She said she was... Naba Chizuru."

I knew it, Natsumi thought. Why did you push me into a date only to pull me out later, Chizu-nee? Is this what they call 'trolling'?

Elsewhere, in Mundus Magicus, in the land of Equestria, Princess Celestia sneezed for some reason. She paid it no attention.

They waited for a few long and uneasy moments of silence.

"She is... sure taking a long while," Natsumi finally said, just to say something.

"Y-Yeah. Should I ask for her?"

"N-No, Chizu-nee wouldn't leave me hanging like—"

Then a tiny hideous idea nagged on the back of her mind.

"Please tell me, how was she?" she asked.

"Ah? Well, she was tall, with a big chest..."

Yeah, definitely Chizu-nee, Murakami felt relieved.

"... bright eyes, always smiling..."

No doubt, it was Chizu-nee!

"... but there was something kinda scary about her despite her kindness..."

It's confirmed!

"... a big chest..."

100%!

"... she wore glasses..."

Just like— Wait, WHAT?-!

"... long black hair falling to her waist..."

No! NOT HER!

"... Did I mention she had a big chest?"

"D-D-Did she have two ahoge on the top of her head?-!" Natsumi squeaked.

"Oh, yes, she did!"

"Did she flirt with you?"

"A bit, actually, b-but—!"

Natsumi stood up from the chair so abruptly the ermine on her shoulder fell on his face into the floor. "HARUNA!"

"— Whut?" the boy blurted, but before he knew it, the pretty girl had turned around and stormed off angrily.

"Was it something I said?" he wondered aloud.

"Girls don't like when you talk about other girls' breasts," a male voice told him.

He blinked in shock. "What? That may be true but— WHO SAID THAT?-!"

He looked in all directions, never noticing the ermine slipping out the door and after the young tourist...

Chamo sniffed his way until he found Natsumi standing at the spot where she had left Negi and Nodoka. There was no one there now, and Natsumi stood livid, her face hanging low and her fists tightened at her sides. Coming closer, Chamo could see there was a definite wetness in those eyes she tried to keep focused apart on nothing and definitely no one in particular.

That was very mean of Paru-nee... the ermine thought, taking pity on the young actress. I'm sorry for Honya-neechan, but I'll have to tip the scales a bit...

Chamo pranced around Natsumi wagging his tail, and sniffing grandly and noisily in the direction Negi had taken. At first, Natsumi paid him absolutely no attention, until he nibbled on her right foot to snap her out of her saddened daze.

"Eh?" she blinked back to reality. "W-What is it, Chamo-kun? Something happened? Someone fell into a well?"

I'M NOT LASSIE, SIS! he thought while pointing over and over at the trail, hoping she'd get the clue.

"Ah, I see! You can smell your master's trail, can't you? Of course!" she brightened back up. "Take me with him, please, Chamo-kun!"

Had she just seen him actually nodding before leading her away? She had to be imagining things...

She followed him either way.

….

Meanwhile...

Ohtori

"And so, this is my new roommate, Takumi-kun," Tokiha Mai explained to her wide eyed little brother. "Please, um... say hello to Himemiya Anthy-san."

"The... The sister of the Dean?" a bewildered Takumi looked up and down at the docile looking dark skinned girl sitting next to his sister. A tiny and cutely ugly monkey-mouse thing ate a banana right behind her. "B-But how...?"

"She won me in a sword duel, and now I'm her fiancee," Anthy bowed formally to the red-haired boy. "Pleased to meet you, Takumi-sama."

"..." Takumi said.

"D-Don't pay too much attention to the 'Fiancee' part, please..." Mai asked weakly.

"Um, all right..." Takumi was glad to relent there. "Since when are you good with a sword, Oneechan?"

"Since yesterday, apparently..." Mai confessed.

Late that afternoon, Takumi's black haired roommate looked up from the book he had been reading as soon as he noticed him dragging his feet into the room. "Hey. What happened? You looked happy when you left to visit your sister..."

"Akira-kun..."

"Yes?"

"Can you recommend me something to teach my sister speed sword fighting, before she's killed in a duel next week...?"

Akira rubbed his chin. "Now that I think about it, Father once mentioned he owned some black market videos on the subject..."

"…"

"What?"

"Wow… I didn't actually think you'd be able to answer…!"

Late the next day, Mai grunted, practicing with a broomstick as she tried to pay attention to the Practical Killing Sword Lessons with Tsukuyomi-chan! video Takumi's roommate had lent her. "I'm not sure this is proper sword fighting at all, much less legit stuf— Oh my God! She just cut that poor guy's arm off!"

Anthy smiled pleasantly as she set a cup of tea down for Mai. "Ah, Oniisama is a big fan of those videos, too. Good to see you share interests, Mai-sama..."

"Why does this video have loli-porn at the end?"

"Ah, those are my brother's favorite parts too…"

….

….

Ah! You're all the Way Inside, Negi!

"This is it? It looks a bit narrow," Negi observed. "Are you really sure it's safe, Saotome-san?"

"Hmmm, I don't see why not," Haruna shrugged, looking down at the small square orifice at the pilar's base. "After all, it's a tourist spot, and they'd have closed it if it was dangerous. I'll tell you what!" she chirped. "I'll go first! Since I'm the biggest one of the three of us, if I can pass through, so can you!"

"Be careful, Paru!" Nodoka asked, as Haruna laughed easily and got on all fours, crawling through the hole with no fear. As she did so, she closed her eyes and repeated a wish in her head fervently.

Please let Nodo-chan and Negi-kun hook up. Please let Nodo-chan and Negi-kun hook up. Please let Nodo-chan and Negi-kun hook up. Please...

Before even herself knew it, she was out already. "Ta-daa! See, you worrywarts? Nothing to fear there! Now you, Nodo-chan!"

"Okay!" Nodoka nodded with a very wide smile, and passed in through as well, easily.

"Your turn, Negi-sensei!" Haruna prodded him.

"Yes, of course!" Now sold to the idea, Negi went in quickly, maybe too quickly as a matter of fact, thinking about a reunion with his father and going in so eagerly he didn't mind his movements all that well for once.

Haruna and Nodoka waited for him to come out. After some moments, Negi's head and arms peeked out, but he had a troubled expression on his face.

"What's wrong?" Haruna asked him.

"I think I'm stuck!" he made a strangled sound.

"EEEHH?-!" said the girls.

"How can you be stuck? You're much smaller than us!" Haruna asked.

"Y-Yes, but my staff is very big and long! I think it got stuck, and it hooked me in!" He tried to pull himself free. "Ahhh! I can't get out!"

"Your... staff...? Very big and... long?" Haruna nearly drooled before shaking her head. "Oh, you mean that staff you're always carrying on your back."

Negi blinked. "What else could I mean?"

"Yeah. What else?" Haruna sighed, crouching down next to Nodoka to tug on his arms. "Honestly, why couldn't you set the thing down before crawling in? Why do you feel you always must carry that thing on you?"

"It's... difficult to explain... AH!" he made a gasping sound as the girls pulled on him. "Not so hard, please! Be gentle!"

"I-I'm sorry, Negi-sensei!" Nodoka choked.

Coming closer, Natsumi heard their voices before she turned a corner.

"You're still quite stuck in there, Sensei," Haruna was observing. "That stick of yours is definitely bigger than needed. You sure you've never accidentally hurt anyone with it?"

"O-Of course not!" he groaned in apparent pain.

Natsumi became paralyzed. What?

"Let's see, maybe if you move around just a bit, we can find a better angle to get it out..." Nodoka analyzed. "Oh, yes, like that! I think I can grab it and pull it out from here!"

"Ah!" Negi gasped. "N-No good! I think it got hooked in my pants!"

Natsumi blinked repeated times.

"Here, let me stick my hand in," Haruna said, reaching into the hole herself and touching around. "Mmm, what's this? It's a bit small to be—"

Negi gulped violently. "N-Not there, Saotome-san!" he cried, blushing like a rose. "Higher! Higher!"

"Oops! Sorry!" Haruna giggled while Nodoka almost fainted. "Urgh, it's really stuck. And yeah, it's definitely tangled in your pants. Can't you take them off?"

"W-What?-!" Negi screamed. Natsumi and Nodoka began to hyper ventilate.

"Well, I can't take them off for you!" Haruna withdrew her hand from the very tight space. "It's too narrow in here! Ah!" she looked at some dirt from the pasage's inside, which had stuck on her fingers. "What's this thing in my fingers now?"

Natsumi had the most vivid mental images. Her feet refused to move her forward. Chamo blew steam from his nose.

"O-Okay, if there's no alternative..." Negi began fumbling with his belt, clumsily. "B-But look away, will you? I've never done this before a girl before... except when Chisame-san bathes me..."

Chisame-san?-! Natsumi's mind screamed.

Or that one night in the woods with Mana and Shiho, Negi reminisced, but it was much better not bringing that up now. Or possibly ever.

After a brief silence, Negi's voice spoke again. "There. I think I should be able to pull out now... Ngh! Still somewhat tangled!"

"We'll help you, Sensei!" Haruna offered. "Nodoka, grab him over there! I'll do it from this side!"

"Y-Y-Yes!" Nodoka agreed as best as he could. "Nnnghh! Y-you're heavier than you look, Negi-sensei!"

"We're almost there!" Haruna panted. "Ah! Ah! Yes!"

That did it. Throwing all caution aside, the actress stormed in angrily. "WH-What the devil do you think you're—?-!"

The librarians looked at her, startled, as they almost had pulled Negi all the way out. The shock made Nodoka lose her balance, and she stumbled back with a shriek, pulling Negi and, by extension, Haruna along with her.

Natsumi made a horrified sound as she saw them all falling in a heap at her feet. Negi's pants were down all the way by his ankles, his wooden staff still caught in his belt. His Bob the Builder boxers were showing, his butt slightly thrusted up as he fell with his face half-buried in Nodoka's small chest. In turn, Nodoka couldn't even talk, since Haruna had fallen sitting on her face, a faceful of racy panties blocking Nodoka's mouth...

Natsumi paled hideously and fainted in the spot.

And then all hell broke loose.

AGAIN!

….

"Huh," Deathnote said, looking at the fallout. "Well, that could have gone better…"

"We should have just let Iinchou stick her nose in…" Valkyrie agreed.

Purple frowned. "Why is Natsumi interested in their Negi-sensei?"

The two blinked at her. "What?-!-?-!-?-!" they chorused.

Nodoka blushed slightly. "Trust me, I know the look…"

"Hey!" Erebus greeted them, AngelGARd in tow. "What'd we miss?"

….

Trouble in Paradise

"I can't believe you actually did that!" Yue had lost her usual composure as she paced up and down their room at the inn, small fists balled up tight. "I know I agreed on helping getting Asuna and Konoka out of the way, but supplanting Naba-san and fooling Murakami-san like that? That was low, Haruna! What were you thinking?"

"Hey, I didn't have a lot of time to contemplate alternatives, and Natsumi was ruining the date!" Paru defended herself.

"Nodoka and Negi-sensei could always have done it another day!" Yue argued. "But now, she's been disgraced in his eyes, and Murakami-san will hate us, no doubt!"

"It was only a little accidental physical contact, not Armageddon! And I thought you were unconcerned about what others thought of you," Haruna shot back.

"Yes, but Nodoka's another matter entirely! She didn't deserve this, Haruna! And it's all because your meddling!"

"Nodo-chan understands! She knows some times even the best laid plans don't work the way we expected them to, don'tcha, Nodo-chan?"

The downcast looking girl sitting in the futon in the corner blinked. "Ah? Ah, y-yes, Paru, of course, I don't blame you... I know you had good intentions..."

"See? If she can understand, why can't you?"

"Stop doing that!" Ayase told her.

"Doing what?"

"Taking advantage of Nodoka's kindness! You know she's too nice to tell you what you truly deserve being told!"

"Are you implying she's lying just for my sake?"

"I'm saying you're manipulating her knowing she doesn't have the heart to hurt your feelings!"

"Please, girls, don't fight..." Nodoka pleaded weakly.

"I'm not putting a gun to her head! If she were angry with me, she'd be welcome to tell me so!" Haruna argued back, the heat rising.

"Well, I'm telling you so, and why are you so angry at me? I'm not welcome to speak my mind, then?"

"I'm not angry at you!"

"You sure sound that way, Haruna!"

"No, you're the one angry at me, and yelling at me!"

"Girls, girls, please...!" Nodoka begged. "It's not worth it!"

"I'm just doing what I should have done you long ago and stopping you from manipulating people!"

"I wouldn't say I'm the one who manipulates Nodo-chan the most, anyway! You're always holding her back like a watch dog, instead of pushing her to live her own life!"

"I try to protect her! You, on the other hand, just try to push her into dangerous situations with men because you have no idea how the real world works!"

"And you do?"

"At least I don't get all my notions of life from manga!"

Nodoka's head hung down. "It's pointless..."

"You don't try enough!"

"You try too much!"

"You'll turn yourself and Nodo-chan into old maids!"

"You'll turn yourself and Nodo-chan into libertines!"

"Nodo-chan needs to learn how to be independent and confident! She won't have you around all of her life!"

Now that seemed to sting Yue hard. The petite girl glanced up at Haruna in such a way that it made her actually back away.

"Ah?" Haruna blinked. "What's—"

"As always, you have no idea, do you?" Yue said. She grabbed her best friend by a hand and pulled her with herself towards the door. "Come on, Nodoka. Let's spend a few hours outside. The air in here is tainted."

"B-But Yue-Yue, Paru—!"

"Yeah, that's always the way with you, isn't it, Yue?" Haruna told her while stomping after them to the door. "You always know better than everyone! You're always right, no matter what—"

"Kettle. Pot. Black," Yue said, shooting Haruna a cold glare before slamming the door close on her face.

Haruna stood there, feeling as if they had just slammed the Gates of Babylon on her face instead. Eyes wide, mouth dry.

"Yue..." she whispered to herself.

Finally, with her shoulders slumping down, she made her way to the bunks. She sat on the same spot Nodoka had occupied, and buried her face between her hands.

….

Roots

Tenchi, Konoemon and Katsuhito stood before the giant tree dominating the landscape now.

"As impressive as ever," Konoe mused fondly. "Funaho."

"How's the Mahora bud doing?" Katsuhito asked.

Konoemon laughed. "Oh, ho ho ho! It hasn't been a bud in quite a while, and you know it. As a matter of fact, it has grown bigger than this one, although still isn't as powerful."

Tenchi's curiosity was piqued. "You have a Funaho too?"

"When I was young and traveling through the world, I planted several seeds of Funaho across the continents," their grandfather answered. "Few survived, since Earth grounds aren't fertile enough for most Juraian plants. Only two trees reached maturity. The first one was in Gotham City, and some evildoers cut it down. After that, an asylum for the criminally insane was built around it. The other one was in Mahora. Some would say an asylum for the criminally insane was also built around it."

"Hey, that's my school and my students you're talking about!"

"I see," Tenchi nodded slowly. "I'd like to see it, some day."

"You're welcome there whenever you want to visit, Tenchi-kun," Konoemon said. "Omiai or not, I'm sure Konoka-chan will love to meet you."

Tenchi nodded and smiled. "I'll try to visit whenever I have some time."

Then a small furry creature hopped into sight from some bushes, going straight to Tenchi, meowing happily. "Myaa! Myaa!"

Konoemon looked down at the animal with amusement. It was covered by thick brown fur, and had long ears, a short tail and bunny legs, but its eyes and whiskers were definitely feline. "So this is the famous Ryo-Ohki!"

The creature looked back at him, sniffed his feet, then hopped up, meowing happily for him as well. "Mya mya! Mya mya mya mya! Myaaa!"

"A very friendly girl!" Konoemon picked it up and petted its head. "How do you explain her existence to your visitors?"

"Well, not that many people comes around here," Katsuhito said. "That's why I returned here, after all. Achika used to tell me it was because I was lazy and liked to work in a place where I had to assist as few visitors as possible…"

"There's also the fact only here could you keep your true relationship with Achika a secret," Konoemon accused, not bluntly, almost casually.

Tenchi blinked. "Grandma Achika? What about her?"

Konoemon looked at Katsuhito disapprovingly. "You haven't told him that part yet?"

His grandfather rasped uneasily. "He isn't ready. Maybe in a few months."

Tenchi grimaced. "I hate when you talk about the things you're hiding from me, right before me. It makes me feel like an idiot…"

Konoemon patted his back. "That's life. It also happened to your mother."

"Regardless," Katsuhito gasped. "When someone asks about Ryo-Ohki, we just tell them she's an exotic pet from Africa. It always works."

"Ryoko's ears are much harder to explain," Tenchi pointed out.

Konoemon chuckled. "Is that so? Well, maybe I should bring her over for Konoka-chan to see. You won't mind if I do, will you?"

Tenchi blinked, seeing how Ryo-Ohki nuzzled her face against Konoe's chest. "Huh? Taking her to your Academy?"

"Only for one week or two. I haven't spoiled Konoka-chan with anything unusual for a while, and she really likes amazing things," the short old man said.

"Well, I have no problems with it, but you should ask Ryoko and Washu-san before trying anything," Tenchi doubted. "They're her… sister and mother, after all."

Katsuhito turned around and began walking for the big house in the distance, next to a lake. "I figure we can discuss that over dinner."

….

That's Our Sakura

"Ah! Hold on, Vigilante-san! You must live to rescue Rin-Oneesama from the vile Matou clan's clutches!"

"It's... It's impossible... My wounds are too serious, and I'm almost out of Mana. If Rin were here, she could recharge me, but..."

Sakura bit her lower lip. Now, how could she solve this hopeless situation she had just written themselves into? There was only one thing left to do...

"I'll recharge your Mana! I'm not an expert mage like Oneesama, but I've been told I have a high magical potential!"

"But... But you don't know the proper ritual to—"

Sakura's face grew grimly serious. "I'll do it 'the other way' to save you and Oneesama..."

Her dress fluttered down to the floor.

Sakura's face grew bright red, and she briefly pondered deleting what she had just written, but she wasn't going to waste a full afternoon of hard work. If the plot and the muses had taken her that far, she'd keep on going...

"There! Your Mana is recharged now, Vigilante-san!"

"Thank you! But alas, the dangers waiting for us are too big for us to handle alone!"

"Don't worry! I've invited Negi-sensei along to help us!"

Sakura frowned for a moment. Why had she written Negi-sensei in as a mage? Now that was a silly concept...

Eh, she'd just pass it off as Crackfic. It worked for those OverMaster and Shadow Crystal Mage guys.

Negi-sensei gently caressed Sakura's face as he took her from behind...

"Sakura-chan! I've just heard Rin was kidnapped in battle, and I came to offer my—"

"OH! S-SHIROU-SEMPAI!-!" she blushed demurely.

"Sakura-chan, what are you doing with Vigilante-san *and* Negi-sensei?"

"I can explain it, Shirou-sempai!"

Sakura's fingers danced furiously over the keyboard. Well, one hand's fingers, at least.

"Oh, Sakura-chan! Thank you! You, Emiya-kun, Vigilante-kun and Negi-sensei have rescued me from a fate worse than death or being included in a Twilight crossover! Please accept my humble body as thanks for your collective effort!"

"Oh, thank you, Oneesama, but... but you mustn't! We are... AH! Oneesama! Shirou-sempai...!"

That night, while looking through the computer looking for some homework backups she was sure she had stored somewhere, Rin found the document. Names had been changed as blandly as possible, sure, but still, there was no way to mistake them.

Her eyebrows twitched. "I'm far too OOC here..."

A grunt.

"The narrative is a gross collection of the most tired clichés in dirty fiction, not that I know anything on that subject..."

A long pause.

"And I have serious doubts Emiya-kun and Negi-sensei could ever be that big..."

She began wondering if Zouken had never managed to put at least one worm or two inside of Sakura, after all...

….

The Case of Asakura Kazumi

After everything she had seen early today, Asakura Kazumi was a woman with a personal mission.

Now she knew both Honya-chan and Natsumi-chan were out to declare to Negi. They had just failed horribly, but if Kazumi knew the parties behind them, and she knew them well, they'd be pushing both girls for a quick next try, before the other one could get her chance.

It was going to be a scandalous competition for illicit love at the reach of her hand and camera! The scoop of the whole school year! And she wasn't going to miss it for anything.

Now, following either of the girls was a lost cause. Not only did Chizuru, Haruna and Yue have eyes on backs of their heads and would spot her easily, but by following one of the shy girls, she risked to having the other one being the one who got Negi first. That, and honestly, it was better to watch over Negi-kun than over either of her classmates.

The redhead, clad in jeans and a casual T-shirt, walked out of her room after checking her mini camera and her microphone were safely tucked into her clothes, at hand for any moment they could come in handy. Whistling happily to herself, she roamed around for her objective until she found him exiting the building, alone. The weasel perched on his shoulder didn't count. What a stroke of luck! Surely, the girls wouldn't waste this chance to ask him out now that he didn't have Chisame or his alleged fiancé breathing on his neck…

Well, to be precise, Natsumi and Nodoka would waste such a chance, but the respective forces pushing them around were another matter entirely. Same difference!

Kazumi followed Negi out from a prudent distance, noticing he seemed very concerned about something, so much so he was paying little attention to his surroundings. The reporter wondered what it could be. True, he always was a worrywart, but this time, it seemed to something really serious. Maybe he already suspected the girls' mental designs for him?

She considered it.

Nahhhh…!

Then, as he was about to cross a street, a loud, terrified yelp snapped him right out of his distraction…

The yelp came from a small dog with fluffy white fur and a very long tail, which almost looked more like an overgrown cat than an actual dog. Said dog was straight in the path of an oncoming car, stupidly paralyzed in place by utter terror. The car showed no signs of slowing down.

"Oh, no!" Negi snapped back to his senses, running for the small animal, so fast the ermine fell from his shoulder and on the sidewalk. Asakura gasped aloud, horrified, sure he was going to get himself killed…

But before she could shout a warning, she saw him grabbing the dog and twisted his staff several fast times. She could make out a few words of what he was whispering. "Rastel Maskir Magister! Flans Paries Aerialis!"

And then, just like that, moved by a gigantic burst of air, the car flew up over their heads, spinning in the air a few times before landing with a thud on its wheels, several meters away from Negi and the animal in his arms.

Kazumi's jaw hit the floor.

The dog barked happily, and rubbed her head against Negi's chest. From her position now, Asakura could see it was a female, but that was the last thing on her mind now.

Negi ran to the dazzled, confused driver's side, noticing he smelled of liquor, and had a few lipstick marks on his cheeks. "Are you okay, sir?"

"Ah?" the man blinked a few times. "Ah, yes. Fine… What was that? I think I had an accident…"

Then a young blond woman with long hair, wearing shorts, a flimsy T-shirt and a green jacket over it, ran in doubling a corner, rushing to the accident's site and slamming a fist on the driver's face.

"BAAAAKAAAAAA!" she screamed, so loud and shrill Asakura winced. "I SAW EVERYTHING, BUT THE HIGHLY STRANGE KINDA MAGICAL PART! YOU KILLER TRIED TO KILL MY FOOD RESERVE AND HAVE HER KILLED! BUT HAH! AND HAH! THE HAMMER OF JUSTICE FIST OF ACROSS PUNISHES YOU NOW! HAIL ACROSS! HAIL LORD IL PALAZZOOOOOOO!-!-!-!-!"

Negi blinked, even as the driver gurgled dumbly, jaw hanging almost loose. The dog in his arms howled in panic and tried to squirm free. "M-Ma'am? Are you—"

The girl yanked the dog away from him, making the animal to howl even more, attempting to escape frantically. "OH, MENCHI! MY POOR EMERGENCY RESERVE! Excel is so happy to see you again, healthy, safe, sound and still useful to ACROSS and Lord Il Palazzo's dream!" She turned to Negi and slapped his shoulders, laughing. "THANK YOU, CUTE SHOTARO BOY WHO APPEARED JUST AS A RANDOM WIND BLEW TO SAVE MENCHI! Excel and ACROSS are in debt with you! Won't you join our ultra secret evil organization for the betterment of this wretched, corrupted world and its wretched, corrupted mankind? ACROSS could use some brave and pinchable young men like you so Excel can have Yaoi fantasies about you and Lord Il Palazzo, I mean, so we can save and purify the world!"

Negi's eyes became blank points. "Ah?"

"This is our calling card!" the blonde stuff a card into his breast pocket, winking. "Call us whenever you want! ACROSS will make a real man out of you, just like they did to Excel! Except they made Excel (that's me) a woman! Not that Excel, that's it me, was a man before, but a girl! Excel is so fantastic now, she can be in Kyoto now despite being in F City the chapter before (excluding the What If chapter, which isn't canon)! That's the power of ACROSS and that of Excel's love for ACROSS and our supreme leader Lord Il Palazzo! Well, just look at the time, just like with this driver, Excel's role is over now, although with any luck I'll return later for another pointless cameo, unlike this loser!" She casually punched the slurring driver's face once more. "And if you're left with any questions after this, read the Excel Saga manga or watch the anime, cheap jerks!"

"Who… Who are you talking to?" Negi asked, scared out of his wits. Not even Enraged Evangeline wasn't as… disturbing… as this girl.

"I already said too much! Sorry!" Excel blew a kiss to him, then sped away down the street with a lamenting Menchi tucked under her arm. Negi scratched his head and wondered what had all of that been about, even as the driver, was apprehended by a randomly passing-by police officer.

"License and registration, sir?" Negi heard as he snuck away. "Ah, let's see… Senou Kaede…? Wait, aren't you… AH! MUTAN—"

Chamo hopped back on his shoulder. "Tch. Some dames are too weird even for my tastes. But you shoulda avoided using that showy magic in public, Bro!"

Negi pouted. "Look who's talking, Chamo! You shouldn't speak in the open, either! And it was either doing that or allowing the puppy to die!"

"I've a feeling you have doomed her to a fate worse than death…" the ermine shared.

Th-Th-The weasel is TALKING! Asakura thought in her hiding place, heart thumping quickly.

"Anyway, everything worked out fine in the end, since no one saw us!" Negi summed up, mounting his staff and flying up on it, heading back to the Inn. "How convenient!"

"Just make sure to land far from the building, Bro…" Chamo was saying.

Down below at street level, Kazumi stared and stared with a fully open mouth.

Then she chewed on her lower lip, tightening her fists against her chest.

Forget the news of the year! She had the news of the CENTURY!-!

She belatedly realized she had, in her stupor, forgotten to take pictures, and throttled herself mentally.

Oh, well, now she knew where to look for the scoop, she had a myriad ways to get the dirt anyway…

….

Interlude: You have it in the Can, Kazumi-chan!

Sitting alone in the toilet, Asakura hummed and hummed to herself, running a hand over her chin.

"Asakura-san…!" came Yue's voice from the outside. "Aren't you finished yet?"

"Just a moment, Yue-san!" the reporter said, still lost in rapid thoughts. Let's see, maybe a mutant? We'd already have Sentinel robots attacking the school. Or he sold his soul to the devil? No, then why he'd rescue puppies? An alien? Maybe, but… Angel on mission on Earth? Nah, I don't believe such things. A Magical Girl like Sailor V? No, it'd have to be a Magical Boy, unless… come to think about it, I've never seen him naked, and at that age, not like there's too big a difference between boys' and girls' voices…in fact, he kinda sounds like Rina Sato…

"Asakura-san!" Yue whined, slamming her small fists on the door. "I'm dying here!"

"Coming out!" Kazumi promised, finally standing up. She needed some actual evidence if she wanted to be sure about the nature of the scoop, not to mention unveiling it to everyone. She'd have to provoke him into using his powers again, but how? Staging a fake dangerous situation seemed the most obvious option, but she risked interference from the other teachers or her classmates, and—

Wait. The other teachers! Naturally!

She stormed out of the restroom with a huge smile plastered on her face, all but walking all over Yue on her merry way. "Sorry for taking so long, Yue-san! The throne is all yours!"

With an annoyed soft grunt, Yue quickly slid into the restroom and slammed the door close.

….

The Case of Minamoto Shizuna (kinda)

Once again sitting in the open air bath, this time far earlier than the night before, Negi rested under the waning sunlight, eyes closed, Chamo sitting aside sipping from a tiny cup of sake.

"I'm beat…" the boy lamented. "We aren't any closer to knowing where Konoka-san's kidnappers are, and we don't even know where to begin looking. I'm afraid they'll try again before we leave. And we haven't made any headway with what's making the other Evangeline-san sing…"

"Eh, let's just watch over Konoka-san and leave the rest to the Bat-Bro," the ermine said. "We're not police! As long as the girls and we are safe, you don't have to worry about anything else!"

"But a mage's duty is always helping those in need and fighting evil, no matter where or when…" Negi lectured. "That's what the other me says…"

"Worry about that once you are a Magister Magi, Bro!" the small animal chided him. "You're not a Magical Boy superhero yet! In the meanwhile, enjoy your life! Or, if you really wanna worry about something, worry about making Chao-chi and Setsuna-chi your Ministra, too!"

Negi jerked back violently. "Eh?-! Why?-!"

"They know your secret, and if the Dean gets wind of that, you'll be my lookalike in no time!" Chamo said, making Negi tremble. "But if you have them as your Pactio Partners, you'll at least have a justification for it, and they won't be able to punish you!"

Negi gave him a slightly suspicious look. "I thought you didn't trust Chao-san, even now."

"I don't," Chamomille admitted. "But as the old saying goes, keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer!" Then his ears perked up, and he lowered his voice. "Act innocent. There's someone coming."

"Oh, these are teachers' only baths, and Nitta-sensei already bathed," Negi said. "It only must be Ta— ka— mi—" his words died down.

Minamoto Shizuna had just walked into the bath, wearing nothing but a small pink towel wrapped around her generous curves, her glasses, and the same angelic smile she had on 90% of the time. "Oh, good afternoon, Negi-sensei!" She approached him without a care in the world, her breasts bouncing playfully with each lively step. "Still haven't finished your bath? Maybe you need some help?"

"S-SHIZUNA-SENSEI!" the boy yelped, reaching for a towel of his own and hastily wrapping it around his waist. As he did so, Kazumi's detail-catching eye could verify he was, indeed, a boy. Ah well, one more theory down. "I-I was just about to leave, actually!" he lied.

"Ara, ara!" the woman laughed. "No need to get so scared! You're still too young for this to matter! Just stay quiet there, and I'll wash your back properly…"

"Th-Thanks, but n-no!" he shook his head. "I'm sure I'm needed elsewhere! M-Maybe another day! I mean, when I'm older! No, I mean, when I'm not old enough for it to matter, but definitely not now and here! No offense intended, I mean, really, I don't!"

She grabbed him by the shoulders, keeping him in place gently. "There's absolutely no need to lie either, Negi-sensei. It's okay, I already know your secret…"

"EH?-!" he and Chamo froze.

"You're a wizard, aren't you?" she smiled, going with the option she considered the most likely one.

"What-When-How-Where?-!" Negi cried. "D-Did the Principal tell you about that? But… But…"

"How I learned it doesn't matter much," the blonde waved the issue away. "But one way or another, I…" she put a finger on her lips innocently, "I would like to… see some of your magic, Negi-sensei!" the female finished happily.

Negi sweated streams of ice. "No! I can't do that!"

She caught him in a hug and pulled his head between her large breasts. "Ohhhh, come on, Negi-senseiiii! It's only a little favor for a colleague! Show me, pretty please…? I've never seen anything of real magic in my life…!"

Negi, gasping for air between her melons, struggling to get free without hurting her, had a short recap flashback of his whole life flashing over his eyes, including a similar moment from his very first day at Mahora…

Negi turned around at the pleasant sound of the charming voice calling for him, only to find his face caught between two huge mounds of soft flesh covered by a sweater.

"Oh, leaving a good and lasting first impression like ever, right, Shizuna-kun?" the Dean laughed jovially. "Negi-sensei, this is my secretary and assistant, Minamoto Shizuna!"

"Ah, then you are Negi-sensei!" The woman smiled down at him, petting his hair. "I'll be glad to help you with anything. You only need to ask!"

Negi looked up sheepishly from between those humongous globes and said the first thing that came to his mind, which was, for some reason; "Can… Can I have a cookie?"

Now, Negi pulled his head back and free. "You!" he pointed a finger at the woman. "You aren't Shizuna-sensei! Your chest just isn't big enough!"

The woman's eyes bulged out. "Say what?-!" she said, in a very non-Minamoto voice. "You little rude brat! Who are you calling small?-! I'm not the Fourth Biggest Breasts in the Class for noth—" She bit her tongue. "Aw, nuts!"

Negi's face paled. "Say that again?"

Shizuna sighed before just calling it quits and laughing aloud, pulling her face off to reveal another face beneath it. For some reason the Mission: Impossible theme sounded briefly all around. Bright red hair fell all around her shoulders, spiky and healthy. "You're very smart, Sensei! Indeed, you've found me out, so we're now even! Yes, it's me, Student Number Three, Asakura Kazumi!"

Always Looking, Rarely Finding.

"I think… you were too harsh on Haruna," Nodoka finally said, still dragging her steps ruefully behind Yue.

"I don't want to talk about that," her friend muttered, in a quiet but somber tone.

"It's not the end of the world…" Nodoka sighed. She wondered where exactly they were going; for almost the last hour now, they had just walked along the calm streets, under the sun setting in the horizon. "I… I mean, I can always tell him later… Perhaps it's for the best. I… I wouldn't know what to do if my confession had hurt him in any way…"

Yue only made a brief sound that was impossible to decipher.

"Yue-Yue, don't you think we should go back with the others? It's getting late, and we might get ourselves and Negi-sensei in trouble if we aren't there before nightfall…" Nodoka asked.

"We won't take long," Ayase promised. "It's just I want to find a place where you can buy something for Negi-sensei. Both as an apology, and as simply something to endear you to him."

Nodoka blushed again. "Yue-Yue! After today, d-don't you think we should abandon that line of—"

"A book. A book would work best," Yue was saying, submerged in her own thoughts. "It's something practical, useful, and both of you can enjoy it together and innocently. You both love books, and it's always best to start from a common interest. But no matter how much we walk, I can't find an open bookstore at this time. Why do they have to close so early? No wonder our culture is on the edge of collapse…"

Ah, so that was why Yue had been leading her across the streets with no apparent destination.

Nodoka looked around in all directions until she saw a large, beautiful old styled house with a big sign hanging next to the front door. "Yue, how about that place? I just had… a feeling we could find something for Negi-sensei there."

"Huh?" Yue followed Nodoka's pointing finger with her even gaze. "That doesn't look like a bookstore."

"Look closer! That sign reads Everything You Truly Need is Here!" Nodoka argued. "W-Why don't we at least take a look in? It's such a beautiful, placid looking shop, I don't doubt we might find something of Negi-sensei's liking there…"

Yue exhaled and relented. "Okay. I suppose it's worth a try…"

Both girls approached the front entrance and knocked on the door at the same time.

….

The store was, surprisingly, seemingly deserted on the inside as its front door slowly flew open as soon as Nodoka and Yue knocked. It also seemed much bigger inside than it had looked from the outside, and it was full of all sorts of strange artifacts, objects, books and trinkets neatly arranged in lines and lines.

"Um… Hello?" Nodoka called out very shyly.

"Good afternoon!" Yue said in a higher voice. "Excuse us, are you still open? We'd like to buy one book or two…! Or three… I could use one myself…" she checked her purse for some money. "I should have enough of my trip expenses left for—"

Nodoka grimaced intensely.

"What's wrong?" her friend asked her.

"I-I-I don't know!" Miyazaki stammered. "I feel almost like there's something trying to pull me inside! Maybe I'm just dizzy and wobbling ahead…" she rationalized. She cringed more now. "I don't like this, Yue. I'd never felt like this before."

Yue, growing concerned, felt her forehead after brushing her dark bangs aside. "You don't have a fever, but maybe you took too much sun in the park," she said. "Let's head back to the Inn and get you a full night of rest—"

Then a small black blur jumped out of nowhere and snatched Yue's purse away, fleeing with it inside of the store. "Hey! What's that? Give me that back! I have important papers there! My Library Card, even!"

Seeing that thing wasn't coming back, whatever it had been, she leaned Nodoka against a wall and fanned her briefly. "Wait here. It moved too fast to be seen clearly, but I think it was a cat. I'll get my things back, and then we'll go home, okay?"

Nodoka nodded. "Don't worry, Yue. May I can help y—"

"Don't bother. I can do this alone," she said, going further in with some apprehension, a part of her mind wondering why she was feeling so strangely bold. In a way, much like Nodoka, she could feel that place calling to her, but she discarded the ludicrous idea quickly. "Manager-san!" she called out. "Where are you? Uour cat just stolen my purse!"

Nodoka sighed and sat on an elegant, Victorian style chair conveniently placed next to the door. She rubbed her forehead with a hand, wondering why she still felt that way, as if—

"Welcome," a refined, sultry female voice spoke to her all out of the blue, startling her and making her sit upright, stiff as a plank. "I'm glad to finally have you here… fated girl."

...

That's News to Me.

"Asakura-san!" Negi gasped. "Wh-What are you trying to do here? And why are you accusing me of being a… what, what did you say I was?"

"Don't play innocent here, Sensei!" the girl accused. "I saw that stunt you pulled with the car, and then how you flew away on your stick! There's no point in denying it anymore! Come out with the full truth, okay?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't do that!" Negi decided. More than enough people knew about his secret already. He trained a wand on her. "R-R-Ras Tel—!"

Kazumi gasped and backed away. "You're going to kill me?-!"

Negi blinked. "Huh? What? No, of course not! I'm just going to erase your memory!"

"With magic?" the girl asked.

Negi frowned a bit. "Of course! What with else?"

"But I don't want to lose my memory! I have a full life of pleasant moments and achievements behind me! I want to remember my parents, my friends! What kind of teacher are you, trying to leave me a blank state, a functional child starting all over from zero?" Kazumi argued heatedly.

"Oh, no, it doesn't work that way!" Negi tried to calm her down, even as Chamo facepalmed. "I'll only erase your memories of these particular incidents! You learned about this all only a couple hours ago, so you'll wake up with only a small gap in your memory…"

Then Kazumi grinned and held her cellphone up. "A recorded confession, Sensei! Like always, men can't control their mouths to save their lives! Now, you even begin to try that spell, and I'll press this button here and send this to all my friends! Even to that Olsen guy in America my Dad worked with!"

The boy panicked again. "Y-You can't do that! If word gets out about this, I'll have my license revoked and turned into an ermine!"

Kazumi blinked, then slowly turned her eyes down towards Chamo.

"No comment," the ermine grunted, too exasperated to care anymore.

"Anyway, once you go public, they won't dare to do anything to you!" the redhead handwaved the issue. "You'll become a media darling, Sensei, and with me as your manager and publicist, you'll get yourself a global empire! You'll become more famous than the Beatles and Superman put together! We'll have to make you a bit more different from Harry Potter first, but nothing that a quick change of looks won't fix! They'll write novels, manga and even tabletop RPGs based on your life! You'll even have your own movies and animated series! You'll have dozens of girls hanging off your arms until you decide to marry your manager after a torrid affair that— Wait, forget that one by now. First things first."

"B-But I don't want to be a movie star!" Negi trembled, well aware of what happened to Macaulay Culkin. "I need to be a teacher, to become a Magister Magi and find my father!"

"Silly boy, once you become famous, your father will come out of wherever he is to announce how proud he is of you!" She gently tapped his head with a playful fist and a wink. "People who as special as you shouldn't be stuck with boring jobs like teaching! Yours should be a life of adventure and glamour! Wouldn't you like to be able to do magic when and wherever you want, hmmmm?"

Negi's eyes watered childishly. "I— I— I don't want—" And he broke into huge, pathetic bawls, "I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP MY DREAM!-!-!"

"Wha—?-!" Asakura cried as a huge burst of wind pushed her back.

"This is bad!" Chamo clung to her to avoid being tossed around. "My Bro's just lost control over his wind magic! There's no way to know what—"

He blinked as the burst of air ripped the towel off and shredded it into a myriad of diminutive pieces scattered all around, leaving Asakura's body bare and making her shriek.

"— On the other way, scratch that. This is what always happens then, after all," Chamo corrected himself.

Th wind grew even more, lifting Kazumi off her feet and hurling her high up in the air like a ragdoll. "UWAAA!-!-!" SENSEI!-!-!-!"

Immediately, he snapped back to normal, his responsibility kicking into high gear very quickly. "Asakura-san! Oh, no, it's my fault!"

Kazumi twisted and turned around in the air, feeling about to lose consciousness, as some debris from the bath that flew up with her hit her across the head. Her sight grew blurry, and yet she stubbornly clung to her phone to the last moment.

She'd probably survive the fall, she reassured herself. It was… worth it…

Then a blur coming from below caught her firmly in slim arms, stopping her airborne trajectory, securing her against a small wet body. She looked, shaking the spots out off her eyes, to find herself in Negi's arms as he flew on his staff, carrying her slowly back down to safety.

"A-A-Are you okay?" he stammered. "I'm so sorry, I didn't want to—"

"I'm… fine," she answered, feeling a strange kind of deja vu as he settled her down carefully. It was almost as if she had lived through that very same near death experience at some point before. Repeatedly. "Thanks…"

She looked down at her broken phone, watching pitifully at how tiny pieces poured from the phone's insides and onto the bath's now messy floor. "Ahhhh, not fair… It cost me a small fortune, and I had the key to my future there…"

"I'm so very sorry!" Negi lamented, looking aside and handing her another towel he found laying around, yanked by the wind from the towels' holders. "P-Please put this on!"

"Ah, of course!" she obeyed quickly, then chuckling shakily at his blushing face. Chamo coughed water after crawling from the bath, smelling like a wet dog. "That was very brave, Sensei…"

"Oh, no, I only did what I had to," Negi said. "It's my own fault in the first place for being so careless, and—"

She smiled, crouching before him, putting her hands on his shoulders. "Even so, I owe you a good one. Just for that, I'll pull back on the whole fame deal… for now. But some day, when you're all good and ready, I— I—"

She had those deja vu again. Briefly, she seemed to remember kissing him once before. Had it been a dream? No, that was ridiculous. Why would she have that kind of dreams? She wasn't like Iincho or Misa, or Haruna, or…

And yet…

"A reward for the brave wizard," she cooed, pouting her lips up, causing Negi to freeze in place. For a split second, she went for his lips, but reconsidered in mid-way, and ended up planting a slow, lingering and gentle kiss on his forehead.

Negi breathed easier. Oh, so it was only a kiss of gratitude, not one of love…

He rasped after he saw her pulling her smiling face back. "Well, t-that's good and all, but I'm afraid our protocols still force me to—"

Then the bath's door flew open, and in walked Ayaka, Chizuru, Natsumi and Makie. "Oh, Asakura-san, there you are!" Ayaka said. "We were looking for you! Then we heard screams, and—"

Ayaka's jaw fell as she noticed the smaller figure before Kazumi, with his shoulders being grabbed by Asakura.

Asakura chuckled nervously. "I have a perfectly valid explanation for this—"

"Gah. Gah, gah, gah gah, Gah!" Negi sputtered.

Ayaka's eyes flashed crimson. Natsumi whimpered helplessly. Chizuru put a hand on her cheek. Makie began whimpering…

Minutes later, Asakura dragged herself across the bath's floor, with two crossed bandages on her head. "Ow. Ow ow owie ow…! Damn it, Iincho just can't be bothered with rational explanations…!"

Then she saw a chuckling Chamo hopping his way to her face. She scowled. "What do you want?"

"Hey, Nee-san," the ermine said. "I see you're the enterprising type, and I like that in a girl! What if I told you I have something far more interesting than a Hollywood deal in mind…?"

...

The Second Ghost, Prelude

"COME BACK HERE, YOU PERVERT!"

Rukia ran after the ghost girl who, in turn, ran after the terrified ghost boy with black hair, holding a huge knife. Sayo-in-Rukia's body and Ichigo ran after Rukia at a more sedate pace, the orange haired boy sighing to himself as they did so. "Honestly, all this racket to send two idiotic Pluses to Soul Society..."

"Halt, in the name of the law!" Rukia cried. She waited a beat, her new mask still feeling a bit weird on her face. "Yup, it's as useless in real life as on TV."

"I don't want to go there, Sekai! No way! Much less with you! I still have too many things to do here!" the spirit leading the chase shouted.

"YOU'LL TAKE CARE OF OUR CHILD AND ME, MAKOTO, YOU BASTARD!" the ghost 'Sekai' was yelling at the top of her ectoplasmatic lungs.

"What... What's the story with them?" Sayo asked, while the chase continued through a large vacant lot under the pale moonlight.

"Didn't you hear about it? It made it into all your newspapers two years ago. That guy was a womanizer who slept with half of the girls in your school. When that girl told him she was pregnant, he tried to wash his hands of it to continue with his main crush, a girl named Kotonoha. Enraged, she grabbed a knife and stabbed him to death. Then that Kotonoha girl, who never was the most stable kitty in the litter, killed her in turn, sawed the guy's head off, and sailed away in her NICE BOAT with it. At least until the Coast Guard found her and she was sent to the asylum, that is," Ichigo narrated helpfully.

Sayo's expression became something out of The Scream.

"Hey, you asked for the explanation!" Ichigo said.

"I GOT YOU!" Sekai screeched, tackling Makoto down to the ground, holding him in place despite his frantic attempts to squirm free.

"NO! NO!" he wailed. "I WANT TO CONTINUE HERE! VISITING MY MOTHER'S HOUSE! VISITING KOTONOHA-CHAN'S CELL! VISITING THE GIRLS' LOCKERS! YOU CAN'T BE SO CRUEL—!"

With an exasperated sigh, Rukia stood over them and hit Sekai's forehead with her sword's pommel. "Away with you, Juliet!"

There was a loud pop, and Sekai's soul was banished away in a choir of angelic voices.

"Oh, thank you, thank you!" Itou Makoto threw himself at Rukia's feet. "You're my savior! You're my idol! You have this Saturday night free, don't you?"

Groaning, Rukia hit his forehead as well. There was another angelic choir and Makoto disappeared from sight. "I can't believe these two creeps don't get Hell..."

"They're going to be bounded together. Trust me, no matter where they're going, it'll be Hell for them," Ichigo told her, stopping near her. "Anyway, you were too slow! Those two clowns shouldn't have taken you so long!"

"Bite me," Rukia grunted, turning around and walking around back to her home, spent and tired. "I need a vacation already. Night after night, it's always the same thing. I should have gone with the class to the Shinonome ruins..."

"Oh, so you want a break," Ichigo said.

"Yeah, I do. Any problem with that?"

He rubbed his chin. "What if I told you I know a place where you could go for some quick but useful real rest and relaxation?"

Rukia looked back at him, cynically. "What's the catch?"

Ichigo stared back at her. "It's rumored to be haunted."

Rukia blinked. "Wow. That was fast. No attempt to trick me by manipulating the truth?"

"Do you think I'm Urahara? I don't play around. All you have to do is to go there, see if the place's really haunted, clean it up if it is, and then use it as you see fit. That's all. No strings attached at all," he promised.

Rukia frowned, while Sayo only looked confused and eager.

Finally, the substitute Shinigami asked, "Exactly where is this place...?"

….

Call to Arms

The Base

"Call them," she commanded.

The young and re- haired Michael Garret looked back at her. "Are you sure? I think we still can handle this ourselves by deploying Miss Averruncus, and even Kotaro..."

Amagasaki Chigusa shook her head. "No. I'll need Averruncus-sama at my side in the decisive moment of the ritual, and Inugami-kun is... I'm not sure he's up to the task. What we need is some temporary extra muscle to confuse and distract our enemies. If they're disposed of, all the better; less people to pay. As long as they buy enough time for the ritual to be complete, nothing else matters. Once the Demon God wakes up, not even the Thousand Master himself could stop us."

"Okay. Sorry I asked," the young man turned away from the boastful villainous scheming. "I'll get on it right now..."

Elsewhere:

"Yes?"

The man was tall and very muscular, which was noticeable even under the expensive robe he was wearing. He had short jet black hair and a thick ebony mustache, and his eyes were those of a bored lion.

The voice at the other end of the line spoke its piece.

"Hmmm," the tall man paced around his studio, on bare feet callous and marked all over with scars and old bite wounds. "No, I'm not interested. There is no honor to be had from capturing a little girl. That would be simply ignominious!"

More words ensued.

He lifted a bushy eyebrow up. "So, it is that way? How... promising. Very well. I suppose those might be prey worth my time. I shall be there tomorrow."

He walked towards his window, staring at the distance. "I normally hunt no cubs, but if those are as formidable as you mention, I might make an exception for them."

Somewhere Else:

"Yeah? Yep, it's a-me, Mario! No, really, I'm Mario! Really really! Aw," the masked man in red drooped. "You're no fun. Then, the job is a go after all? Cool! Finally, my debut outside of a snippet! What? No, I'm not explaining it. The readers get it, and that's all what counts!"

The masked man twirled a sword around expertly with the hand that wasn't grabbing the phone. "Uh-huh. Yeah, sure! Whatever you say, Kiddo! For that much mullah, I'd kill Superman if you ask me to! And if I could at all, but that's neither here or now. With that, I'll be able to buy so many flowers and My Little Pony plushies my gal pal will forgive me, and I'll complete my own collection to boot! What? You too? Oh, it's always good to meet a Brony! Did you happen to watch last night's epis—"

"Okay, okay, the job. Sure as eggs. Fine. I'll tell the boys and 'Strike. Chill out! With us on the case, you've got it in the bag! Kidnapping, huh? Well, it kinda goes against the antiheroish behavior my public has come to expect from me, but what the heck, we'll tell them I'm early in my career or something, and that I'll undergo Character Development, and—"

"No, I'm telling you I won't explain it to you! Now, will there be porn bullets?"

Yet somewhere else:

"Hey. No, of course I'm awake. Just finished a job, actually," a little girl's voice said.

"What? No, I don't do kidnappings! Why, I oughtta shoot you through the spleen! You blind? Didn't you read my announcements? Monster hunter, not thug for hire!"

"Huh, a friend of Darkstalkers, you say? I dunno, I guess that changes things, but still... WHOA, MAMA! How much, you say?-! And the chance to kill one of those? I've never shot one of those dead! Fine, if it's that way, I'll do it! You're lucky I'm in the area! Yeah, well, I'll be there! Yeah, bring whoever else you want too, but remember, that one is mine!"

And yet somewhere else:

The petite girl with long golden hair sat on top of a very high pole (there is absolutely NOTHING Freudian about this, no sirree!), looking at the city sprawling below with quiet, cold eyes. She wore a form-fitting and mini-skirted black outfit with thick black boots, and above those, several leather straps around her legs. Calmly, she ate taiyaki after taiyaki, seemingly never running out of them despite the small size of the brown bag in her hands.

Her private phone rang.

"It's me," she said. "What do you want?"

Explanations.

"How much?"

Offers.

"Right. I'll do it. I'll be there tomorrow around thisgg time."

She cut the call and went back to eating, still sporting the same perfectly neutral expression.

The Base

Michael inhaled and looked for the final three phone numbers in his list. He only hoped Lady Chigusa knew what she was doing, organizing such a dangerous carnival of killers in the middle of a highly populated city. Not to mention they'd be blowing their whole budget off...

"Ah, Miss Shenhua? You don't know me, but I got this number from a mutual acquaintance. I have a job offer for you..."

Not Even Being Dead Can Stop you from Making Unequally Cameos- AKA Over Master Needs Professional Help

Soul Society was, despite Ichigo's rich boy beliefs, actually not that good a place for everyone's afterlife, but it was certainly better than it had been in previous temporal iterations. The abyss between the upper classes and the lower ranks of souls was still there, but since Aizen Sousuke managed to push through all those social reforms 400 years ago, which had netted him a lot of sympathizers and followers, the standard of living— well, after-living— has risen for everyone.

So it had been easy for Tendo Soun to open a small Dojo and Inn shortly after dying. Sure, he'd be paying the mortgage for 200 more years, but he was used to barely making ends meet. Then, after Nodoka died as well—

— Saotome Nodoka! You can put those pitchforks down!—

— after his old friend Genma's wife, who was not a Miyazaki in any way or form, died, they married each other. Maybe a bit too quickly. They both were technically reverse-widowed, after all, and in the years between her own death and Soun's, the man's wife in life, Tendo Kimiko, had married another man. One Iba Tetsuzaemon, Shinigami Lieutenant…

Regardless, the point was now they were both introducing the two newest arrivals of the Inn to the rest of the residents.

"And these are Itou Makoto-kun and his lovely fiancee Sekai-chan!" Soun laughed, patting Makoto's back maybe a bit too hard, making him cough. "From now on, they'll be living in Room 21! I hope you all feel welcomed!"

"Pleased to meet you all!" Sekai waved a hand. Meanwhile, Makoto's eyes had wandered over to a tall busty girl with long brown hair tied into a ponytail.

What a talented looking young woman…

Meanwhile, Kino Makoto looked back at him, starry-eyed. Ah! He looked so much like that Sempai she had liked during elementary school! Wait a minute…

"You ARE that Sempai!" she roared, jumping back to her feet. "You broke my heart, y-you cheater!"

Sekai's face suddenly became a block of ice. "Makoto-kun…?"

"It… It was before meeting you!" the boy argued. "Th-There was no malice involved!"

The American looking man with short black hair wearing a black shirt with a skull symbol on it ignored them and kept on cleaning his prized gun collection. One of these days, he'd meet that clown again, and then…

Meanwhile, Zazie Rainyday went on juggling her colorful balls, eventually asking over the loud sounds of Itou's beating, "When will we have dinner?"

Happosai then burst in, carrying a large bag of stolen black and leathery underwear over a shoulder. "Soun, guess what…! They booted me out of Hell again…!"

Down in Hell, Demon Scanty sobbed angrily. "The bastard escaped with my best undies, too…!"

Her sister Kneesocks gently patted her on a shoulder. "There, there. You look better commando, after all…"

"D-Do you think so…?"

"Definitely…"

"Oh, Kneesocks…"

"Big Sister…"

Suitably decadent demonic stuff ensued.

….

Lovely Ariadne Theater: That Old Spark

"Mates. I hate mages."

The old, thin figure clad in a thick isolated suit rasped angrily to himself, walking down the deepest halls of Merdiana, leaving a long trail of knocked out guardians behind, carrying a light bulb in his hand, and talking to it.

"You hate mages too, don't you? They're smug, holier-than-thou and arrogant! They're almost as bad as Elves… or that one guy… What was his name again?" He scratched his head with the hand not holding the bulb. "Duckwing? Dorkwing? Darkbling?"

"Halt, intruder!" a strong voice called.

"Case in point," the intruder sighed with all the weariness in the world, casually zapping the charging young Valkyrie with a wave of a gloved hand, making the armored girl fall twitching, the metal in her suit conducting the shock. "Really, I'm only doing my job! I need to pay the bills, and it's not like I have a pension… I'm a victim of circumstances, aren't I? I—"

"You're senile, that's what, Megavolt!" another, younger and mocking, female voice taunted him from above.

And then an arrow exploded at his feet. The resulting flashbang would have blinded any normal man or giant talking rat humanoid, but this particular giant talking rat humanoid was all but made of light and electricity barely held together by wrinkled weak flesh by now. His eyes had no problem with an excess of light.

The archer above him only realized that now. Crap, the old Sparky had changed, too.

He shook a fist up at her and uttered the immortal cliche. "Who dares—?-!"

So she did the sensible thing Dad would do and introduced herself with style.

"I'm the blackout that turns your voltage down! I'm the scissors that cut your cables! I'm the hanging lampshade that falls on your head! I'm… Quiverwing Quack!"

He gasped. "You! It's you, I know you! After all this time… You are… You are…" he scratched his head once more. "Who were you again?"

"I almost feel bad for taking an old fart like you down! Almost!" she laughed, rolling aside from the bolts he was shooting from his hands. "Give it up, Gramps! I promise I'll get you a well lit-up cell!"

He coughed and turned his power up. "You're… You're as bothersome as him! The only ducks I've ever liked are the well fried ones! I hate ducks… and mages… and Elves… and dwarves… and Twilight fans…"

"Well, I guess you still have some humanity left!" she admitted, shooting an arrow at his left wristband. He yelled in pain as the ruptured band rattled his whole arm, his own power turning on him.

"Ready to call it a night, Sparky?" she asked.

"Never NEVER call me Sparky!-!-!-!-!" he screamed, squeezing his left wrist until the power from that hand stopped, shifting its charge to the other hand. He shocked her, bringing her down to the stone floor. "Hah, hah! Cough, cough! Who's laughing now? A hint: He's coughing too!"

With a grunt, she whipped a small wand from one of her sleeves.

"Nocturna Terroris Excrucius Retium!" she chanted very quickly. "Irrigat!"

A single, large blast of water appeared in midair, hitting Megavolt across the chest, and eventually engulfing all of him. But when it passed away, other than a few sizzles around his broken wristband, he was unfazed, other than a worsening of his coughing. "Ha ha ha hee hee! Kaff kaff kaff! No, no, no! My improved fully insulated suit protects me against any kind of water spell! You can't defeat me the way Darkwing Duck and his girlfriend used to!"

"Well, I never liked to retread old ground anyway…" the redhaired feathered girl groaned, standing back up.

"Dill Brand!" another female voice shouted, and the ground beneath Megavolt exploded.

Collete Farandole, wearing her school uniform but with a dark green mask on her face, jumped down next to the archer. "Gos…? I mean, err, Quiverwing Quack? A-Are you okay?"

She coughed and nodded. "Nothing a quick healing spell can't fix. Thanks…"

"Spells, spells! That's your solution for everything!" an exasperated Megavolt rose from the wreckage of the Dill Brand, gesturing wildly. His suit was shredded in several parts, and he sported a black eye now. "Seriously, is that your best, doggy? You couldn't hope to hurt a—" Then he gasped in horror, looking at the shattered light bulb scattered across the floor. "MR. WATTS! OH NO NO, MR. WATTS!" His eyes glowed in red. "You'll pay for this, murderers!"

Gosalyn groaned, swinging her wand around. "How 'bout we pay you with some magic lessons? Irrigat!"

Again, he took the water blast barely staggering back. He spat a lot of liquid out before snarling, "Still trying the same childish tricks? You should have learned neither water nor explosions can hurt me!"

"Yeah," Quiverwing Quack said. "But what about both at once?"

"Huh?" And he saw the water seeping inside of his costume through the large rips in it. He could feel his skin tingling, then sizzling. "I'm too old for this," he realized. "Cough, cough, cough!"

The ensuing loud explosion was enough to send Gosalyn and Collete rolling back on their butts. By the time they stopped spinning against each other, the dog girl staggered to the unconscious criminal's side. "Oh, no! Oh my, please tell me we didn't kill him! I didn't want to kill him!"

Her friend hummed, crouching down next to him and checking his vital signs. "Nah. He'll be okay. Eventually. It'll take far more than this to turn Sparky's lights off for good. After all, Dad had to send him to the electric chair twice."

Collete sighed in relief, then helped her still singed friend to stagger away with her. "You sure you don't want a medic? He put quite a hurting on you…"

"No, I'll be fine. Let's hurry. The reinforcement guards will be here any moment now."

"I'm shocked it's taking them so long…"

"It can't be a coincidence this happened just as the Elite units were out fighting that terrorist strikeforce at the borders," Gosalyn pondered grimly. "I'll bet that attack was a distraction so Megs could sneak in and steal God knows what of the Academy's secrets hidden below…"

Collete grumbled half-heartedly. "You've been reading too many conspiracy books again…"

"Says you. You never can read enough of those," her friend disagreed. "By the way, what's with the goofy mask? You ripped a blanket apart in a hurry?"

"This is one of your old spares…"

"Oh. I guess I've really come a long way since then. Are you really really sure you don't want to become my full time sidekick?"

"For the last time, Gosalyn, no!"

"C'mon, it'll be fun…!"

….

- To be continued…

….

OM's A/N: You know, these latest few manga developments? The ones with Eternally Kid Negi and Asuna sleeping for 100 years to wake up with an erased personality? And the girls being shallow enough to declare Negi an 'enemy of all women' and swear vapid 'revenge' against him even after all he's done for them, the fact most of them all but forced their Pactios to happen, and they must have at least have some idea of all the stress he's going through with his plan, even if they're being spared the nastiest details? I freaking hate them. Akamatsu is losing it, I tell you.

….

Anya and Etrigan's Omake Theater!

Hell of a Goal

"Where even magic failed, the power of daily products will prevail!" proclaimed Anya.

She drank enough milk to drown kittens.

She ate enough yogurt to make… pretty much anyone sick.

She gorged on enough cheese to make even Monterey Jack scream "STOP!"

By the time it was over, Professor Blood eyed her figure critically.

"Well, I suppose congratulations are in order," he said. "You have achieved the perfect circular shape you had aimed for."

Anya weeped. "I wanted round breasts! Not a round stomach!"

Major Arcana, Minor Boobs

"Begone, Begone, the form of flat chest!" Anya chanted. "Rise, Rise, big breasts, you're best!"

She looked down at her chest hopefully. But NOTHING HAPPENED.

"It told you it wouldn't work," Professor Blood said. "However, Merlin did leave some spells on the subject of augmenting and even adding another parts of, or for, the female body."

"Such as?" Anya dared to ask.

"Well, for instance, there was a time when Arturia needed to give Guinevere a child, so Merlin granted her a temporary penis, which…"

Anya tossed a candelabra in his face.

Meet The Britannian Royal Family

Princess Euphemia Li Britannia. Big breasts.

"Hnnghh…" Anya's throat made a raspy sound.

Princess Nunally Vi Britannia. Flat chest.

"Well, it can't be helped, she's younger than me…" Anya considered.

Princess Cornelia Li Britannia. Huge breasts.

Some sort of beastly, inhuman gurgle of rage escaped Anya. It was far scarier than anything Etrigan had ever uttered.

Prince Clovis La Britannia, in drag during his latest wild party. No breasts at all.

"This is it! I found it!" Anya exclaimed, holding the magazine up. "Finally, a role model who can carry a flat chest proudly to adulthood!"

Professor Blood tapped on his cheek with a finger in a thoughtful way.

"You do realize he's a man, don't you?"

Bad, even if not Decadent, Habits

"Sod off, bloody wanker!" Anya told the rude man who had just pushed her in the London subway, before flipping him the bird.

It was then when Jason Blood decided to stop inviting John Constantine over for poker games on weekends. He hadn't minded when his protege had started wearing the same kind of trenchcoats, but this…

No, Just No

Anya hugged her now gigantic breasts. "Ahhh! Feels so good!"

The Incubator sitting next to her nodded. Now, as for your duties as a Puella Magi…

Then he was caught in one of Etrigan's massive claws. Sulphur and brimstone were blew on his furry white face. "Undo it, you pest! You know we had a deal! Stay out of the West! We mean it for real!"

Even demons despised the Incubators. The former at least used to go only after grownups, after all…

Sailor V Says

"Hello, I'm Ookuchi Akira, also known as Sailor Mercury, from the beautiful city of Kyoto. For this chapter, my partner Sailor V won't be with us, so I've taken the liberty of replacing her with this Sailor V plush right next to me. Minako-san, I hope you aren't angry enough to kill me over this."

(The camera briefly pans to a Sailor V plush doll on the seat next to Akira's. It's obviously very low quality, since its red bow falls from its head after a convenient breeze)

"Anyway, today's moral is 'Strength lies in numbers', as the battle against Chigusa-san and Tsukuyomi-san proved. However, high numbers also make statistics hard to remember, and facts harder to get straight, so in the interest of our new readers, I'll supply you with a few helpful stats about our cast."

"Number of Negi-sensei's current Pactio Partners: 6. (Chisame-san, Misora-san, Hakase-san, Misa-san, Asuna-san and Sakurako-san)."

"Number of 3-A Students Confirmed as not being Virgins anymore… ugh, why this? What kind of ugly privacy violation is— Okay, okay, I'll still say it! I know I'm getting paid for it, I was just expressing a valid complain!: 6 (Evangeline-san, Fuuka-san, Fumika-san, Yuuna-san, Ako-san and Makie-san)."

"… The Narutakis? REALLY?"

"Oh, with no men? That's kind of a relief, I guess. So, it's only with each ot— WAIT THAT MAKES IT NO BETTER AT ALL!"

"(Ahem). Number of Itoshiki-sensei's current Pactio Partners: 1 (Kaga Ai-sempai)."

"Number of Sailor Senshi Active so far: 5. (Sailor Venus/Aino Minako, Sailor Mercury/Yours Truly, Sailor Pluto/Akagi Ritsuko, Sailor Uranus/Harleen Quinzel, Sailor Neptune/Pamela Lilian Isley). Wait, there are others? Since when? And Pluto's not even a real planet! What's next, Sailor Moon?"

"….."

"Moving on. Number of Mahora Students and Staff Confirmed as being Aware of Aisaka Sayo's Existence: 7 (Negi Springfield, Itoshiki Nozomu, Kasuga Misora, Yukihiro Ayaka, Komori Kiri, Kuchiki Rukia, Kurosaki Ichigo)."

"… Who's Aisaka Sayo, by the way?"

"Number of Master and Servant Pairings Confirmed for the Incoming Fifth Holy Grail War: 5 (Tohsaka Rin and Vigilante, Ikari Shinji and Rider, Ilya von Eizenberg and Berserker, Luviagelita Edelfedt and Destroyer, Hino Rei and Shield)."

"And what's this War? Why are these so many things I wasn't informed about? I was promised an expanded role! Why am I in the dark about so much? I'll bet I won't even carry this knowledge on to the canon bits!"

"(Sigh)."

"Oh well. I guess it could be worse. I could have a diminished role, just like Nodoka-chan…"

"What do you mean Nodoka-chan is the next chapter's protagonist?-!"

NOTE: Since Nagase Kaede is technically a Miroku Clan Ninja, odds are she isn't exactly a virgin either, but it hasn't been explicitly stated in the story yet…

….

From the files of Chao Lingshen, Temporal Renegade, not to be confused with Chao Lingshen, Time Traveller:

Full Name: Hasegawa Chisame

Known Aliases: Chiu, Chiu-sama, Chiu-chan, The Goddess of the Internet, the Calculator, the Voice of Reason

Alignment: Sane Normal

ECL: Combat level; 2. Hacker Level; COWER, BRIEF MORTALS, BEFORE MY BOUNDLESS MIGHT!-!-!-!-!

Religion: Shinto, but seriously considering becoming Agnostic

Sexuality: Currently 'straight', but with bisexual undertones, slight robosexuality, repressed Negi-sexuality

Family: Family unknown

Affiliations: Mahora Academy, Ala Alba, the United Magical Girls (and Boys) Association,

Background: Hasegawa Chisame was an antisocial girl more concerned with what she did in the Internet than real life. When she had to deal with real life, she wanted it to be as bland and normal as possible, with no super-powered aliens from America, Magical Girls from Tokyo, Kaiju barreling down the Ginza or what have you cluttering it up. Thus, being assigned to then-class 1-A was a pain to her, due to all the weird foreigners, Lolis, Haruna, and, oh yeah, THE ROBOT IN THE CLASS THAT NO ONE SEEMED TO NOTICE, HONESTLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE, ARE YOU FRICKIN' BLIND?-!

It would later become obvious in hindsight that it was inevitable the universe would screw her over.

She thought her life had only gotten worse when she learned her class would also be saddled with, of all things, a child teacher. On a particularly stressful day, she inadvertently revealed her identity as Net Idol Chiu-sama to him, though Negi didn't really see what the significance was, and the stress of this would later be overshadowed by her first involuntary public exhibitionism, courtesy of Negi.

She would remain below the radar for the next several months, only to have Negi thrust viciously into her private life again during Mahorafest, at the cosplay-event that would be recorded in history as Chiu-sama's first public appearance. While it ended disastrously with her costume falling off and leaving her in her lingerie, it gave her much needed self-confidence, and became the first of many such appearances.

It was during Mahorafest that she deduced the existence of mages and magic, and proceeded to attempt to counter Chao's viral marketing scheme, ostensibly to keep the world 'normal', but was unsuccessful. Because of this, however, she would become embroiled with the group that would later become Ala Alba.

After they were caught in Chao's trap in Evangeline's resort, Chisame was the first to deduce that it was no longer Mahorafest, displaying observation skills far exceeding Setsuna's own. With her assistance, Chamo was able to formulate a plan to return them to the past to a defeat Chao's plans.

Back in the past, Chisame initiated a Pactio with Negi, and acted to remove Chao's influence over the Academy's systems, fighting Chachamaru in a digital battlefield with the unknowing assistance of Makie and Ayaka. Though she managed to hack Chachamaru's defenses, it was too late, and only Negi's victory over Chao allowed them to stop her.

Chisame would then, allegedly against her will, begin spending more time with Negi's cadre, reluctantly asking how to use her Pactio and Tsunderely going with them to Wales.

The incident at the Megalomesembria City Gateport led to her being teleported to a distant part of Mundus Magicus, where she encountered a clothes-eating land octopus and attacked, until the timely rescue of Negi and Chachamaru. For the duration of their stay in Mundus Magicus, she acted as Negi's advisor, big sister, and close companion.

In the end, she, like the rest of Ala Alba, was instrumental in the defeat of Kosmo Entelekhia. Things, however, did not settle down. She, also like the rest of Ala Alba, was drawn into the incident known as the 'Book Of Darkness and Yet Another Reason To Stay The Hell Away From Earth (Unadministered World #97)' case.

During the Wolkenritter's attack on Mahora, she was able to take control of six of the gynoids attacking Mahora, which she later claimed as spoils of war. She was also one of those who responded during the Invader mass-activation incident at the end of the 5th Holy Grail War in Fuyuki city, acting as coordinator and controller of her gynoids.

She has something of a rivalry with Sailor Mercury in matters digital, but share common ground in being the most sensible of their respective groups.

Powers and Abilities: Chisame is an accomplished hacker, as well as a photographer, seamstress, photo manipulator, lampshader, and has a Narusegawa-grade bitch-slap. She has superhuman levels of common sense and rationality, and is known to have a good practical understanding of human nature. Her advice is highly valued, though seldom sought immediately. This has less to do with her advice and more to do with how people around her can be idiots.

Her Pactio allows her a telepathic interface with any electronic and electronically-controlled device. Her Artifact is magically capable of integrating processor technologies into its structure, and has been upgraded with 22nd century Martian computer tech. By itself, her Artifact is one of the most powerful computers on the planet, but purely in terms of processing. Chisame must generate her own programs, which she must store in another unit.

The Artifact allows for multiple users, and is effectiveness is actually increased the more users it has. It also gives her command of seven electron spirits, who, while not very bright, greatly assist her in her hacking, and are capable of radically increasing the processing power of any device they possess.

She also owns six combat-grade Chachamaru production model gynoids, modified for magical combat and to act as communication centers for Chisame's Artifact. Her standard combat tactic is to have her sprites possess them increase the combat capabilities of her gynoids, which also links them into a coordinated unit.

It is speculated that the regular magical possession is leaving residual magic within these gynoids, slowly assisting in the development of distinct personalities and souls. Whatever the case, they certainly seem very loyal to Chisame…

….

Straight from The Black Jokebook!

Full Name: Hasegawa Chisame.

Known Aliases: Chiu-tan, Chi-chan (only used by that perverted weasel), Glasses (only used by Jack Ra— Oh, we haven't hit that part yet? My bad!)

Alignment: Lawful Neutral in mind, Neutral Good in heart. Ah, a young maiden's sentimental whims, always struggling with her reason! Reason sucks, if you ask me.

ECL: European Champions League? We already covered the soccer player!

Sexuality: Claims to be strictly heterosexual with no interest on little boys. Few are fooled anymore. With Negi, she shares the center of a way screwed up even for my tastes Love Polygon involving Hakase Satomi, Tsunetsuki Matoi, and pretty much every girl in the Academy not named Asuka. And a few boys, too. Those two are popular, eh?

She has kissed with Kagurazaka Asuna to shake off hordes of love potion struck admirers (it seemed a good idea at the time!) and has been groped by Saotome Haruna (then again, who hasn't?) She hasn't killed Haruna yet, so I'm convinced she liked it to some degree.

Family: Yorozuyo Gourou (father), Hasegawa Chako (mother), Hasegawa Sora (sister). In a Decadent Habits-filled parallel world, Earth 6904877, she's the secret love child of the Thousand Master Nagi Springfield, and half-sister to Negi Springfield, Nekane Springfield and Yukihiro Ayaka, but such blood ties don't exist at all in this world.

Then again, ''maybe'' you should consider who's telling you this, hmmm?

Affiliations: Officially none. However, she, along Negi the twerp, Chamo the panty stealing rat, Asuna the brainless tomboy, Misa the slut, Misora the panty showing nun, Cocone the loli nun, Hakase the mad genius, Sakurako the lucky waste of space, Matoi the obsessed stalker (really, not even Harley!), Itoshiki the barrel of laughs and Ai the girl with the mole, has formed a sorts of yet unnamed Proto-Ala Alba.

Background: No, this is a fanfic. You could be seeing backgrounds in a manga or comic as long as Tite Kubo doesn't draw…

OH! You meant the girl's background!

Hasegawa Chako was a cheerful but not too bright girl from a relatively wealthy family, who loved dressing up and acting. After being rejected by her high school crush, she looked for solace in modeling. She came to be fairly successful for a while, but she lost all enthusiasm for life all the same, becoming a bitter and distant woman. Eventually, she met an old school friend who also had been rejected by his first love, and they married and had two brats. However, they divorced shortly after Chisame's birth.

Separated from their father and raised by an apathetic mother, the girls grew up as lonely as the Kite-Man Fan Club. Sora looked for entertainment in mechanics, and soon became a prodigy Wrench Wench with all the social skills of a traumatized giraffe. Chisame, after discovering the secret stash of old fancy dresses belonging to her mother, developed a secret obsession of her own with being pretty and admired. After overcoming a hideous first experience with Da Internets, she also became an expert hacker and programmer. Putting all of her talents together, she became a Net Idol by night, unassuming boring student by day.

While in most iterations Chisame joined Mahora Academy from Elementary School, here she didn't enroll until one year ago, after pondering joining Ohtori Academy instead. I'm actually grateful her mother forced her to choose Mahora. Can you imagine moi guest starring in an Utena fanfic?

Since joining, Chisame has been bewildered, and not in a good way, by the wackos and weirdos surrounding her, particularly in her own classroom, 3-A, and even more specifically her roommate Hakase Satomi. She should try Arkham. Her woes only grew last year, when Negi was assigned to live with them.

Chiu learned Negi's secret quickly, and she soon became his first Pactio Partner (elegant term used by mages to say 'future fookmate') to fight Evangeline 'Loli Dracula' Mc Dowell (I hate vampire bats!) Since then, she has reluctantly (?) helped him to deal with several crises, from love potions to kidnapped classmates to plant monsters. They and Hakase also sleep together. In the chaste, non-sexual manner. Yet.

Powers and Abilities: Chiu-tan wields the power of a Pactio with Negi, allowing her to use a magical scepter that grants her powers over electricity and the ability to manipulate any kind of machinery. She also can summon seven electronic sprites that can hack into any computer system and supply her with useful information, and I guess porn too. Her powers also include the capacity to travel through a virtual Internet subspace, but her natural mistrust of magic, her reluctance to try new things, and leftovers from her trauma of her first Internet experience have made her unwilling to use this ability.

Even without the staff, Chisame is an accomplished hacker, expert photographer (although not on Asakura Kazumi or Tsunetsuki Matoi's level), an ace of beauty tips and makeup, an acceptable master of disguise, and a competent enough cook. She also plays a mean Online Sudoku.

And how do I know all of this, you ask? What do you care? Turn the computer off and go read a book, ya geeks!

Just remember to tune in next time at the same hour on the same Unequally channel, okay?

NEXT:

Nodoka finds herself owning a Magical Book!

A war breaks out for Negi's sweet lips!

The least expected person ever gets a Pactio!

Ruri plays eroge!

Next chapter: "Lips at War."

Don't miss it!