Love, Pain And The Whole Crazy Thing
Chapter 38 - All He Heard Was Nothing
He linked his arm with hers before they stepped into a restaurant later that day. She was resting her head against his shoulder. He placed a kiss on the top of her head lazily as a man approached them.
''Hello, welcome.'' He greeted them with a warm smile.
"Hello, we have a reservation under Shepherd, Derek Shepherd." Derek gave him a smile back, unconsciously holding his wife a bit tighter.
''Alright, let me take a look Sir.''
"Thank you." Derek said before looking at Addison, giving her a smile.
''Shepherd, right, let me take you to your table.''
"Okay." Derek nodded and soon they were led to a table.
Addison smiled at him as she sat down. He sat down as well, taking her hand in his softly, looking into her eyes smiling. She leaned in and gave him a long kiss. He kissed her back the entire time, their lips belonged together. She smiled against his lips. He pecked her lips a few times once the kiss had ended. She sat back in her seat and smiled. Derek smiled as well, brushing her hand with his. 'I love you.' He mouthed.
''I love you too.'' She whispered. His fingers started playing with hers.
"I wouldn't change you for anything." He whispered, giving a kiss on her hand.
''Me either.''
He smiled, leaning over the table once again, giving her a kiss on the lips. She smiled at him. A few moments later a waitress appeared to their table and Derek sat down.
''Hello, can I take your orders?''
"Umm... babe what do you want?" He asked, looking at her.
''Hmm I'd like the chicken salad please.''
"Wouldn't you like something else, something more... filling maybe?" He asked, raising his eyebrows slightly.
''No, the salad sounds good.''
Derek gave a little sigh, he couldn't argue about this right now. "I'll take um... the Italian dish." He pointed at something on the menu.
''Okay.'' The waitress nodded. ''What would you like to drink with that?''
"Umm... do you want water?" He asked.
''Yes please.''
"Mind if I take a glass of wine?"
''Of course not.''
"Good. Which wine would recommend to go with the food?" He looked at the waitress.
''Well I can highly recommend our dry white wine.''
"Okay, I'll take a glass of that please." He smiled at her before turning to look at Addison.
''Great.'' She gave him a smile and left.
He smiled at Addison. "Hmm, this is nice."
''Yeah it is.''
"I really hope you don't mind the wine." He said honestly.
''You're not the one pregnant.'' She laughed at her husband. "It's fine."
"Still." He shrugged. "It just seems a little unfair to me but if you don't mind..."
''I don't.''
"Okay good." He gave a smile and played with her hand. She gave him a smile.
"So..." He started, trying to start a conversation.
''Yeah?''
"Are we picking up the kids after this?"
''I guess so.''
"Okay." He smiled at her.
''I miss them.''
"I know you do. You always miss them." He said softly.
''I know...''
"Yeah..." He brought his hand to her cheek, brushing it softly.
''Don't you?''
"I do a little... they're my babies, of course I do. But... I also love spending time with you, alone."
''Yeah...''
He brushed her cheek softly, smiling.
''I love you.''
"I love you more"
''You do not.'' Addison chuckled softly.
He grinned. "Oh I do."
''No.''
"I doo." He was now smiling sweetly. The waitress came with their food. Derek smiled at her. "Thank you."
''Thanks.'' Addison said as well.
"You're welcome." The waitress flashed a smiled and walked away from their table.
''Enjoy.''
"You too." He smiled softly and picked up his fork.
''Thanks.'' She did the same.
He began to eat, watching her while doing so. She ate her salad. They carried on eating normally, every now and then saying something, smiling, holding hands. They soon finished their food.
"Do you want dessert?" He asked softly.
''No thank you, I'm full.'' She lied.
"You sure?" He asked again, his fingers linked together with hers.
''Yeah thanks.''
"Okay then." He nodded, giving her a little smile. She gave him a smile back.
"You wanna go then?" He asked, looking around for their waitress.
''Yeah we still have to pick up the kids.''
"Okay then." He smiled, and got the waitress' attention, who soon made her way to their table. She gave them the bill. They paid and a while later they were ready to leave the restaurant. Addison got up from the table. A moment later he got up as well.
Just as she started to walk, she suddenly went black. He watched her body collapse on the floor with a thumb. The whole restaurant turned around shocked. "Addison?" He realised the situation a second later, rushing over to her. Addison's body lay limply against the floor. "Addison?" He tried to wake her up, shaking her body slightly while his heart ached for her. She didn't move. "Addison?" People gathered around them and tried to wake her. "Addison!" He tried once more desperately, his own hands shaking. "Addison please!" She still didn't move. After a few minutes an ambulance arrived. He watched as the paramedics arrived, as he tried to assure himself this was a bad dream. They put her on a bran card. "Oh my god.. oh my god..." He mumbled under his breath. They started to leave the restaurant.
"This is all my fault." He shook his head, unable to breathe normally. The paramedics got her into the ambulance. He got into the ambulance with them, holding Addison's hand. Soon they reached the hospital. The paramedics got her out of the ambulance carefully and Derek followed them into the hospital. They soon admitted her. He didn't move from her side, biting on his lip. "Oh god..."
''Sir, we have to remove you from this room.''
"No! No! I'm not leaving her!" He protested.
''Yes you are, we have to take some tests.''
"I'm her husband! You can't make me leave, please, she's pregnant!"
''She is pregnant?''
He nodded his head multiple times. "Oh my god... she's going to be okay, right?"
''How far along is she?''
"Almost 12 weeks." He managed to say, rubbing his face.
''Do you have any idea what made her collapse?''
"I... she hasn't been eating well." He shook his head, clearly in shock.
''What do you mean?''
"She lost a lot of weight before she got pregnant and she... she hasn't been eating well since we found out either. I don't... I should have... I couldn't..."
''Does she have an eating disorder?''
"I... I don't know." He replied, shaking his head.
''Sir, how can you not know?'' The paramedic asked with a slightly raised eyebrow, making Derek feel uncomfortable to answer.
"I... she... I think she does." He sighed, rubbing his forehead. The paramedic wrote it down. It was official now. Derek shook his head once again.
''Now, seriously, we have to run tests.''
"I..." Derek slowly let go of her hand.
''Give her some privacy.''
Derek shook his head and began walking away, feeling like he'd be sick any minute. The paramedics started to run tests on his wife. He couldn't even think properly, the only thing that popped into his mind was his mother. He grabbed his cell phone, dialling her number.
''Theresa Shepherd.'' She answered.
He couldn't really say anything, his breathing heavy. "Mom…"
''Derek?''
"I..." He shook his head.
''Derek, what's wrong? It's 2 am.''
"We're... we're in a hospital." He managed to say.
''A hospital? What's going on?'' His mother asked hurriedly.
"Addie... she... passed out."
''HOW?''
"We were... at the restaurant." He gulped loudly. "She got up and... now we're here.."
''What happened?''
"I... I think... I think she has anorexia."
''Are you serious?''
"Would I joke about something like this?"
''Derek, what the hell is going on here? I told you to look after her!''
"I know you did! I did! But... I couldn't... she's..." He was so close to throwing the cell phone against the wall.
''She's what?''
"She's... I couldn't. They're taking some tests." He whispered, walking out of the hospital, sitting on a bench.
''Where are the kids?''
"With Caleb..." He shook his head, trying to calm down.
''Oh.''
"Oh god..." He placed a hand on his forehead.
''She'll be alright.''
"You don't know that! What if she won't!"
''She will Derek.'' Theresa answered calmly.
"What if she won't be okay?"
''She will be.''
"I love her! She's my wife! She can't just..." He bit on his lip hard.
''She won't.''
He shook his head powerfully. "I need her... she can't... what if... oh my god..."
''Derek. Calm down. Right now.''
He shook his head. "I can't damn it! My wife could die! Our baby could die!"
''They won't.''
"Damn it! Fuck!" He cursed loudly, running a hand through his hair.
''Honey.''
"NO! They can't die! I love her! I can't live without her! FUCK!"
''They won't die.''
"What if they do? I can't deal with the twins alone!"
''I promise they won't.''
"You can't make such promises!"
''Please Derek.''
He shook his head. "I can't do this, I... she's... what if.." He broke down in tears. Theresa sighed. She didn't know what to do. He shut his eyes closed tightly. "I should... have... done some... something."
''It's her body, you can't make her do anything against her will.''
"I... love... she... can't…" His voice trailed off.
''She won't.''
He shook his head again before his body began shaking. "She can't..."
''I promise.''
"I'm scared." He confessed in a whisper through his tears.
''I know you are.''
"I don't want to…"
''You have to stay strong for her.''
"I can't..." He shook his head as the tears fell down his cheeks.
''Try Der.''
He slowly nodded, gulping loudly, biting back his tears.
''I love you Der. I wish I was there but I'm not. You can do this.''
He nodded. "I wish you were here."
''Me too sweetheart.'' Theresa was at the verge of tears.
"Fuck..." He shook his head, mumbling something about how he should have done something under his breath.
''You're strong, Addison is strong.''
"I'm not strong. I used to be! I'm not anymore… I wasn't… I should have seen the signs…" He shook his head powerfully.
''It's not too late.''
"Damn it..." He whispered, his eyes shut tightly.
''You can do it right this time.''
"What if... what if it's too late?"
''It isn't Derek.''
"I'm so sorry..." He shook his head.
''No.''
"I should have..." He whispered.
''Fight for her, she needs you to fight for her right now.''
He shook his head. "I fucking fought. I've... I've fought for this... all of this.. I'm tired of fighting for her... breathing for her... I'm like... I'm not a life support machine for us... I can't... I love her... oh my god..." Derek felt anger kicking into his body, it was his wife's on fault that they were all placed into this position.
''What are you saying Der?''
"I'm tired... I love her so much. I can't be the one breathing for her. I need someone to... help me to... help her."
''You two should seek help.''
"I love her..." He mumbled.
''I know you do.''
He rubbed his face. "I'm sorry."
''Being sorry doesn't help her. She needs you.''
Finally his breathing became normal. "I need to see... her."
''Yeah, stand by her.''
He nodded his head. "Yeah, stand by her."
''I believe in you.''
"I don't." He mumbled under his breath so that she didn't hear it. "Yeah... I have to go."
''I love you Der.''
"Love you too mom." He hung up the phone and got himself back together before entering the hospital.
Inside the hospital tests had run on Addison and she started waking up.
"How are you feeling?" A nurse instantly asked her as she saw the patient's eyes fluttering open. She looked around. ''Where am I?''
"You're in a hospital, you passed out." The nurse told her. Addison looked at her shocked.
"How are you feeling Mrs. Shepherd?" She repeated her earlier question.
''Where is my husband?''
"Erhm... I'm afraid I don't know. He must be around somewhere, Mrs. Shepherd."
She looked sad and disappointed.
"Anyway... I'm sure he'll return soon. How are you feeling?"
''I- I don't know.''
"Are you hurting? How's your stomach feeling?" She asked softly.
''I don't know.''
"Mrs. Shepherd..." The nurse tilted her head to the side. "Are you hurting?"
''I don't know okay. I need my husband.''
"I'm sure he'll be back soon." The nurse said, taking a step backwards.
''No, now. I don't want you to do anything until he's here.''
"Mrs. Shepherd, I'm sure he's on his way..."
She tried to get out of the bed.
"Mrs. Shepherd!" She moved towards her, keeping her right where she was. "I need some help over here!" She called. A male nurse ran into the room.
"She's trying to get out of the bed." She told her, keeping her in place the best she could.
''Just let me go, this is ridiculous!''
"Mrs. Shepherd you're my patient and the doctor specifically told me not to let you walk! Dick, do something!" The female nurse told the male nurse. Dick kept Addison down to the bed.
"Do I get the doctor?" The nurse, Regina, asked.
''No.''
"We can't just hold her like this." Regina said, watching Dick.
''Calm her down before we have to take her somewhere else.''
"Mrs. Shepherd, your husband is coming. He's on his way. I'm 100% sure." She tried. Addison was crying at this point. ''Why am I here?''
"You passed out because you haven't been eating well Mrs. Shepherd." She explained softly.
''I have been eating well.''
"You haven't, you're pregnant and you need more food than normally. You're food intake isn't even enough to provide for yourself." She told her patient.
''You don't know that.''
"Your husband gave us some information and the labs showed some shocking results. Mrs. Shepherd please calm down."
Addison rolled her eyes at this, what the hell did these people want from her? ''Fuck you, I AM calm aren't I?''
"Do you promise that you won't get up from the bed?" She asked, watching her patient who she didn't trust so much at the moment.
''Yes.''
She slowly nodded at Dick, ready to hold her against the bed if needed. He let go of her as well. They watched her for several moments.
''I wanna go home.''
"You can't go home Mrs. Shepherd. The doctor hasn't released you yet. Before that you're not going anywhere and it's my job to make sure you won't."
''You can't just hold me here against my will!''
"We could call your husband and a doctor and declare you unable to make choices on your own and make him your legal guardian but Mrs. Shepherd for your and your baby's health I suggest you make that decision yourself and stay right there in this bed and get better." She gave her a sweet smile.
''I have two children!''
"And how does that affect this all?" She asked with a smile.
''I need to pick them up!''
"You're not going anywhere Mrs. Shepherd. I assume that we can call the babysitters or send your husband to your children but there is no way you're going there."
''Why not?''
"Mrs. Shepherd... you passed out at a restaurant because you have an unhealthy intake of food, probably an eating disorder."
''I do not have an eating disorder, God!''
"What do you eat normally? What did you eat today?"
''Food.''
"What food and how much?"
''I don't remember.''
"According to your labs and you're husband's statement have an eating disorder. It can be cured but you need to work hard for it. If you keep going on the way you're going... you will lose this baby, you will get thin, you won't be able to do anything, you'll bruise easily and in time, you will die of starvation."
''I'm fine, I'm healthy.''
"You're not fine, you're not healthy. You're only skin and bones."
''I'm not!''
"Calm down Mrs. Shepherd, yelling is not good for your blood pressure."
''I don't care!''
"Mrs. Shepherd calm down before something happens!" She ordered.
''Shut up, seriously I want you to leave, you are bad for my blood pressure!''
She tried to ignore Addison's bitchy comment. "Mrs. Shepherd, try taking deep breaths..."
''No! You take deep breaths!''
"I'm calm Mrs. Shepherd, you're not. Please try taking deep breaths so that we'll get your pulse down and you won't stress the baby that has already been through some major stress." She told her.
''I want my husband!''
"He'll be here any minute." She told her though she had no idea of Derek's location.
''No he won't be!''
"What makes you think that Mrs. Shepherd?" She asked softly, trying to calm her down anyway possible, looking at her vitals.
''He left.'' She cried.
"Mrs. Shepherd..." The nurse looked at her.
''Please, let me go.''
"I can't, no matter how much I'd want to." She replied, watching this woman.
''My son, he's afraid of the dark, and my daughter has stomach cramps before bedtime, my father doesn't know that. Please.'' She begged.
"Mrs. Shepherd... I'm sure we can call your father if you write down his number..." This woman was really making her think about this again. What if... Just then the door was opened. Everyone looked at the door. Derek Shepherd had entered the room, looking at his wife, trying his best to stay strong for her. She broke down in sobs. He watched her for a moment before he made his way through the room. Dick was holding her down again.
"What the hell are you doing man?" Derek looked at Dick and then at his wife.
''We have to hold her down.''
"Oh god..." He shook his head. "Let go of her! You'll hurt her!"
''She'll be hurt more if I don't.''
Derek shook his head again, running a hand through his hair. Addison was still crying. It broke his heart to see this. "Addie... honey... it'll be okay..." He moved to her side, making the female nurse take a step further.
''Tell them I don't have anorexia!''
His eyes were sad and so was his mind. "Babe... I'm sorry..."
''Hailey. Justin.'' She sobbed.
"Sweetie..." Derek started brushing her hair.
''She has stomach cramps.'' She continued to cry.
"Honey they'll be okay... we just need to focus on you right now. Please Addison..." He tried.
''No, they're scared!''
"Damn it Addison I'm scared too! I'm scared for you!" He snapped at her.
''Please! Tell them Derek!''
"Addison calm down okay?" He tried again, brushing some tears away from her cheeks.
''No!''
"Addison please calm down." He brushed her hair.
''Tell them!''
"Tell who? Tell what?"
''Tell them I'm not anorexic!''
"Honey... I'm sorry but... I... think you might need a little help."
''What?''
"Addison... please. You haven't eaten properly for months, I should have done something about it. It's all my fault."
''I just lost a few pounds, I'm not starving myself.''
"You lost too many pounds that you didn't even need to lose in the first place, you lost control over this."
''I did not.''
"No you did! Addison for god's sake you're under weighted and pregnant! If you carry on like this you'll starve to death!"
''I won't okay!''
"You have to realise this isn't healthy, or pretty! You looked perfect many pounds ago! You had curves and you threw all that away for what? For passing out at restaurants, ending up into a hospital being hold down by nurses?"
''It was an accident okay.''
"It'll be your everyday life if you carry on like this! You need to gain a lot of weight Addison!"
''I don't!''
"God Addison you passed out because you weren't eating! You need to eat so that it won't happen again! Do you really want Justin and Hailey to grow up with a mother who can't eat enough to keep herself away from the hospital?"
Addison looked at him unbelievably. He shook his head, walking to the chair, sitting down. She put her hands in front of her face. He rubbed his face, he had no idea where those words had came from. She didn't know what to do anymore. A few minutes were spent like this before he got up again. She looked at what he was doing. He moved the chair closer to the bed before sitting down again. She looked away.
He sighed. "I didn't mean those things, well part of them."
''Which part?''
"Jussie and Hails... they need you and all that but... you really need to gain some weight."
''No I don't.''
"Yes you do and I won't argue this one. Medically you need to gain some weight. This is dangerous Addison."
''You can't make me do anything I don't want to.''
"I'm your husband and I should have a word in this."
''But you don't.''
"Addison this is insane, you're slowly starving yourself to death if you carry on like this."
''No, I have this under control!''
"No you don't! If you did you wouldn't have passed out!"
''It happened once!''
"And it'll happen again if you continue like this!"
''I don't want to talk about this.''
"We have to, we can't ignore this problem."
''This isn't a problem.''
"This is, a huge one. We can't ignore this."
''I want Bug and Jussie.''
"You can't have them now, not like this."
''Why not?''
"You're in shock and they're probably already asleep. You'll see them later, I promise."
''I need them.''
"You'll see them later." He replied simply.
''Now!''
"They'll panic if they see you in hospital bed! You can't see them right now!"
''Then tell them to let me go home!''
"I can't when you're sick."
''I'm not sick.''
"You have an eating disorder, you are sick. It's not your fault. Something..." like my actions, like the ignoring, the indifference... "could have just triggered it."
''I'm not anorexic.''
"You are, you don't realise it yourself but you are. Everyone's worried about you."
''No they're not.''
"Yes they are, I'm worried, my mother is worried, I bet your father is worried."
''I wanna go home.''
"You can't go home right now." He said once more, shaking his head.
''They can't keep me here.''
"I'm so sorry Addison. Please don't leave now okay? You need to get well. Right now you're not well, you're not even fine."
''Yes I am. You don't know how I feel.''
"I'm talking medically. Of course I don't know how you feel cause you no longer share your feelings with me."
''Why would I?''
"We're married, I love you and I do want what's the best for you." He could have went on till the end of the time.
''No you don't.''
"I don't? What do you think is the best for you? Going home? Seeing the kids?"
''Yes.''
"Addison you'll see them later, I promise."
''When is later?''
"Tomorrow morning, I don't know, it's late already."
''I'm not staying here!''
"Addison you are staying here the night, I honestly don't care what you say but you're staying here." He told her.
''No!''
"Addison Shepherd... you are..." He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.
''What?''
He held up his hand, taking the phone from his pocket, checking the caller ID. Caleb. He answered his phone after walking to the other side of the room. "Derek Shepherd."
His voice rang through the phone.
''Hi Derek it's Caleb.''
"Hi." He suddenly felt all nervous.
''Where are you?''
"I... Caleb... something happened. Don't panic okay? Everything will be okay."
''What's wrong?'' He asked concerned.
"When we were at the restaurant... Addison passed out, we're at the hospital now..."
''WHAT?''
"Caleb... she's doing alright at the moment but they need to keep her here over night."
''Why did she pass out?'' He demanded to know.
"We think she has anorexia." Derek said honestly, sighing.
''Are you kidding me?''
"I'm afraid I'm not..." He replied.
''Dear god...''
"Yeah… Caleb I'm sorry."
''Oh my god...'' He couldn't believe this.
"Caleb... I'm sorry, I should have done something."
''Is she awake?''
"Yeah, she's awake, wanting to see the kids."
''They won't sleep.''
"Oh..." He thought about it for a moment. "Could you bring them here then?" He asked with a sigh.
''To the hospital?''
"Yes, she misses them." Derek lowered his voice so his wife wouldn't hear him. "We can't negotiate anything with her until the kids are here."
''Oh.''
"Caleb, could you do that for your daughter?" He rubbed his forehead.
''Do you want your children to see her like that?''
"No, I don't. But do I have a choice? She wants to see them, she needs to see them. I can't say no Caleb."
''What hospital are you in?''
"God... it's the one near the park. I don't know the name..."
''Oh, that's the Fairfield hospital.''
"Yeah, that's it." He smiled a little.
''I'll be there.''
"Okay, it's room 203." Derek nodded, looking at his wife.
''I'll kill her once I get there.''
"Caleb..." Derek sighed though that had been one of the first thoughts in his mind as well.
''No I'm serious. Has she gone completely insane?''
"Yes." Derek simply replied, nodding his head.
''Yes?''
"I don't know anymore Caleb, just get here okay?"
''I will.'' With that he hung up.
Derek sighed as he looked at the screen for few moments before slipping it into his pocket. Male nurse Dick walked past him and left the room. Derek walked back to his seat next to her bed and sat down. "Your father is coming."
''What?'' Her eyes widened, she didn't want her father to see her like. She wanted her father to see his child as the perfect daughter, the perfect med student, the perfect mother to his grandchildren.
"He's on his way actually."
''I don't want him here!''
"I can't stop him from coming Addison."
''You could have.''
"He's your father and he wants to see you."
''What did you tell him?''
"I told him you passed out because you haven't been eating properly which is true."
''Derek!''
"Addison, you need to accept you have a problem, if you don't do that there's no way you can be cured."
''I don't have a problem that has to be cured.''
"You do, Addison, you really do have a problem." He said in a serious tone.
''No, I do not.''
"I love you really much but this... you have to eat properly, if you don't... it won't be good."
She shook her head at him.
"Addison you have to listen to me. I know it won't be any good."
''No.''
"Addison you have to stop this."
''No I don't.''
"This is not healthy."
''Shut up.''
"Don't you tell me to shut up, I won't shut up and let you kill yourself."
''I'm not killing myself.''
"You are, this is will lead there. Don't you see how scared I am for you?"
''No I don't.''
"How can you not see it?"
''Just shut up, please, stop talking to me.''
"Fine, whatever." He shook his head, looking away from her.
''Great.''
"Amazing." He gave a sigh, hoping that for his sanity Caleb would talk to her. She started playing with her fingers. He rubbed his forehead, looking at her fingers. She looked down. They stayed like this for several moments. She let out a sigh. Soon the moments turned into minutes which seemed like forever. Neither one of them spoke, just little sighs left their lips occasionally. She looked out of the window though it was dark. Then all of a sudden the door was opened, well more like slammed open.