Disclaimer: We do not own Susie's characters or 3 Doors Down's song "Behind Those Eyes."
I've been down the wrong road tonight
And I swear I'll never go there again
Ellie knew it was too much to hope that the guys would let her walk home alone after Johnny was jumped, so she wasn't too surprised when Steve caught up with her at the corner of St. Louis and Columbus. She was surprised - and thankful - when he walked her home in silence. She wasn't in the mood to talk, but neither was he.
"Nobody's home?" he asked when they reached her dark house.
Ellie shrugged.
"You need to go somewhere and you call somebody, got it?" Steve told her. "I don't even care if you gotta call Tim. Don't be walking by your lonesome."
She nodded weakly. She didn't even have it in her to argue.
She made her way into the dark house, feeling so numb she didn't know how she was still standing up. She couldn't erase the image of Johnny lying on the ground, shaking and in tears. She couldn't wrap her brain around someone being able to scare him so terribly when his own parents were so awful.
Guilt sat like a lead block in the pit of her stomach, even though she knew, deep down, that it wasn't really her fault. She had no idea those guys would track Johnny down, but she couldn't help feeling like she should have known somehow.
She went into the kitchen, not bothering to turn on any lights as she walked through the dark, empty house. She got a glass of water and sank to the floor against the cabinets. She gulped the water down so fast it made her insides hurt. Wiping her mouth on her sleeve she listened to the silence that was crushing in on her. She thought about calling Tim, but she didn't think he'd be home and she wasn't in the mood to try to track him down. She wasn't about to go against Steve's warning not to walk around town by herself. Knowing him, he was probably sitting under her bedroom window waiting for her to ignore what he said. She laughed a little at the mental image but stopped suddenly. She wondered if she was hysterical.
Filling her glass with water again, Ellie walked down the hallway and went into her bedroom. She let out a yelp when she found Dallas Winston sprawled across her bed.
"Jesus, you scared me," she said, holding a hand over her heart and sloshing water out of the glass.
"Yeah?" he asked, sitting up.
Setting the glass down, she crossed her arms across her middle, trying to keep herself from falling apart in front of him. After the way he treated her at the Curtises and just days before, she wasn't interested in spending anymore time with him.
"Please stop breaking into my room," she said, trying to hold on to her annoyance, but she couldn't ignore the fact that she was glad she wasn't alone. He wasn't exactly the company she wanted, though, and she couldn't figure out why he would bother coming to her house after what happened. "What do you want?"
He stared at her for a few seconds, his mouth open slightly, hung up on something he wanted to say but didn't. Instead, he got up and walked across the room to her record player. He pushed aside a few albums and held up her Beatles album.
"What the fuck is this?" he asked, waving it in front of her.
Ellie snatched it out of his hands and set it back on the stack behind him. He couldn't yell at her one minute and then try and make fun of her the next. If he wanted to try and beat the information out of her, he could because she was expecting it, but he wasn't doing that. She couldn't deal with him being anything less than she expected.
"What do you want?" she repeated, feeling too drained to deal with him.
He reached out and tugged on a curly lock of her hair and she took a step back. He closed the distance and pinched her leg where her skirt didn't quite fall as far as it used to.
"Stop it!" she demanded, jumping back. "What's the matter with you?"
"Just wonderin' when you turned Soc on us and started listening to shitty music," he replied.
Ellie slammed her glass of water down on the table beside her bed, ignoring the water that splashed out.
"Why do you think you can treat me the way you did back there and then act like nothing happened?" she asked, sitting down and taking steady breaths to keep herself from crying. She was so tired of him treating her however he wanted with no regard to how she felt. She was tired of ignoring the way he treated her. She was just tired of it all.
Dally was quiet at that accusation, and Ellie felt like the silence was a small victory.
He slowly paced in front of her before he finally sat down next to her.
"The kid's in bad shape," he said after a moment.
Ellie swallowed hard at that statement. She realized that was what she had been waiting to hear earlier. She didn't want to hear the empty promises the guys were telling her that he was fine and everything would be okay because she knew that it wouldn't. Now that she heard the truth, though, she wished she was still in the dark about it all.
Dally seemed to notice the way she sat rigidly beside him, hardly breathing at all. He moved a little closer to her.
"You were in bad shape, too," he added. "Ain't like he needs a hospital or nothin'."
"Ain't like he'd let anybody take him to a hospital," Ellie said quietly.
Dally let out a dry chuckle. "Yeah."
Even though she wasn't looking at him, she could feel him watching at her. Her hair was tucked behind her ear and she knew what he was looking at and what he was thinking about. She told herself that she understood why Dally and Steve and everyone else was so up in arms when Michael jumped her and why they just wouldn't listen to her. But seeing Johnny as hurt as he was opened her eyes a little and watching Dally take in the scene was too much. Did he look at her like that when she was in the hospital? She couldn't remember. That mix of anger and concern seemed so strange on him, but it reminded her how much he actually cared about his friends, even when he was treating her like shit. She just wished she could go back to a time when all she cared about was being his friend and nothing more.
Still not looking at him, she moved her head enough to free a few locks of hair so they covered her scar. She lost her breath completely when he brushed it back and cupped her cheek in his rough hand. On the outside, her scar had healed nicely and only faintly lined her cheek. With the help of her new girlfriends, she was finding it easier and easier to cover it with makeup. But on the inside, it felt like it still burned as bright as it had when the stitches were first removed and she hated it.
"What are you doing?" she asked again, struggling to breathe.
He turned her face so she was looking at him and she realized that it really was a problem that she didn't hate him. Without even trying, he could still turn her to mush.
His lips brushed hers and she leaned into his kiss. For as mad as she had been with him for months, it wasn't difficult to fall right back in sync with him. Even though she was feeling herself falling head over heels for Tim, she felt herself falling for Dally even harder all over again, despite the way he had yelled at her earlier that evening. It didn't matter that he blamed her though; she blamed herself enough for the both of them.
Dally leaned into her and she gave in as she lay down and allowed him to follow. She didn't stop him until she felt him undoing the buttons on her shirt.
I've seen this face once before
And I don't think I can do this again
"I can't," she said, turning her head to the side.
"Break up with him," he said, kissing her throat.
She tried to sit up, but he wouldn't let her. She was a damn liar.
"Get off," she demanded, even though her voice was threaded with tears.
"Look at me," he told her. When she wouldn't, he put his hands on either side of her face and forced her to look at him. Her eyes were swimming with tears.
"What?" she asked, her hands were planted on his chest, trying to push him away.
"Why is it such a problem that you don't hate me?" he asked.
Tears spilled down her cheeks and soaked into his hands. He knew she was going to lie to him, but the answer was written all over her face - she still had feelings for him.
"I'm not going to do this to Tim," she said, avoiding his question.
"Christ, did you have to bring him into it?" he said, sitting up. Whether or not he meant the current conversation or into their whole break-up, he wasn't sure, but she could take from that statement whatever she wanted.
She bolted up, wiping at her tears and sniffing back the rest.
"What am I supposed to do?" she asked, wiping her hands on her skirt. "We're ... I-I can't do this anymore."
"If you don't hate me, then I don't see the problem," he said. "You can't have it both ways."
"I don't get you! You're the one who wants it both ways, " she cried, burying her face in her hands. "You keep making me feel like shit that we're over and then the next day you keep actin' like you want me back. You broke up with me, Dally! You musta slept with her because you couldn't stand me no more. Why are you doing this to me?"
"Because you're fuckin' around with Shepard and I don't want you doin' that," he roared. "I wasn't done with you."
He couldn't tell her it was because he knew that since the first time he kissed her he knew that he'd hurt her at some point. He didn't know how to tell her that he wanted things to be like they used to be almost as much as he wanted back to the way they were before they broke up.
"Well I wasn't done either, but you made that choice for the both of us," she said.
"You sure moved on fast. Shepard must be a fuckin' prince," he said, sarcastically.
"I can't keep going back and forth and back again just because you can't make up your mind. I've made up mine," she said, sitting back down again. "I can't be with you because I know … I know you're gonna break my heart again. Tim won't."
It took everything he had to not laugh right in her face. If she thought Tim wouldn't hurt her at some point, she was dumber than he ever thought she was. Dally knew he fucked up because he got caught, but Tim wasn't exactly the type of boyfriend material she was making him out to be.
"Sure," he said sarcastically as he stood up. "Don't come cryin' to me when he fucks you over royally. I ain't pickin' up the pieces."
"You're the one that broke them in the first place," she said softly.
What the hell was he supposed to say to that? He knew it was true and there wasn't any point in him trying to dispute it. It was easier to just get the hell out so he could ignore it.
He was almost to the front door when he heard her running after him.
"Wait," she begged.
He didn't want to and pulled the door open. She slipped between him and the door and forced it closed.
"What?" he asked, impatiently.
As she tried to catch her breath, she reached out and took his broken hand in both of hers. Her fingers grazed his busted knuckles and without looking up at him she said, "Is this what it was like when I got jumped?"
All he could remember about the night was Darry telling him not to do anything stupid when he was standing over her hospital bed. He was mad as hell and seeing Johnny hurt like that was a lot of the same.
"Yeah," he said. "But Johnny ain't gonna tell me not to do anything about it."
She dropped his hand.
"Do you think he'll be okay?" she asked.
"He'll be fine," he said, without really knowing.
"Will we be okay?"
"That depends on you," he told her.
"I didn't sleep with Tim," she confessed, looking up at him. "He got in a fight and he got his face busted open. I stitched him up and it was so late I just stayed the night."
Dally was surprised by that gem of a confession, considering he hadn't heard anything about Shepard being in a fight. He tucked that piece of information away for another day. "Why would I give a shit?"
She rubbed her forehead and let out a sob.
"Quit bein' such a girl," he told her, pushing her aside and pulling the door open. He walked across the yard and down the street without looking back.
Is there something here to believe
Or is it just another part of the game?
It took a few hours for Ellie to pull herself together after Dally nearly broke her in two again. She didn't want to believe that she'd ever felt so strongly for him, but when he was so close like that she was drawn to him. Her grandma always said that you fell harder for your first loves than anyone else.
It was after dark and she wanted to head back over to Pony's to see how Johnny was. She hoped Steve hadn't gone back over so he could walk her back.
Before grabbed a jacket and - after locking her window nice and tight - headed outside.
"I knew you weren't gonna listen."
Even though she was expecting it, Steve still scared her half to death.
"You shouldn't sneak up on people," she accused, pulling the door shut behind her.
"I didn't sneak up on you," he said, leaning on the front step. "Want a cigarette?"
"If you want to talk, just say so," she said, sitting down beside him.
"Okay, let's talk," he said. He took a long drag of his cigarette and handed it off to her. He pulled a switchblade out of his pocket and flicked it open.
"Steve …" she started.
"Listen, if those guys were lookin' for you, and even if they weren't, I want you take this," he said. He turned it around and offered the handled side to her. She took another drag and handed the cigarette back and carefully took the knife from him. The handle looked black, but as the yellowy glow from the streetlight caught it she could see it was a deep red.
"I'll show you how to use it later, but take it now," he said, closing the blade for her. "It's an old one of mine, nothin' fancy, but enough if you need it. You better not need it, but if you do ... well, there ya go."
"Are you sure I should?" she asked, feeling the heft of the metal in her hand. "Don't you think that if anything happened that I might …"
"Not if you use it right and you will. I'll make sure of it," he said.
"Thanks, Steve," she said.
He handed the smoke back to her, and she finished it as they sat and listened to the night for a while.
"What did Dally want?" he asked, out of the blue.
Just the thought of what had happened made her want to start crying again. She hated how she lost it in front of him - in front of everyone - and she wanted nothing more than to just swallow her emotions right then and there.
"Nothing," she answered, but she knew Steve would hear the lie.
He tossed an arm around her shoulder and Ellie leaned into him. She had thought that Steve was as angry with her as Dally, but unlike Dally, Steve was like a brother to her and that sort of bond wasn't as easily ruined.
"Thanks," she said.
"For the blade?"
"No ... well, yeah, I guess. That too. Thanks for not hating me," she said quietly, knowing how dumb she sounded.
"Hate you?" He let out a hoarse laugh. "You're nuts. I don't hate you. None of us do. It wasn't anybody's fault but the Socs. Quit beatin' yourself up."
She let the conversation end there. That wasn't what she meant, but it didn't matter. At least he didn't hate her for being so dumb as to not listen to him about Dally in the first place. If she would have just believed that Dally was the asshole Steve made him out to be, it would have saved her a whole lot of heartache.
There's something I can't see,
There's something in the way you smile.
Steve led the way into the Curtises' house as Ellie stayed a few paces behind. Her stomach plummeted when she saw Dally sitting in the living room through the front window of the house. When she stepped through the threshold, she felt nauseous at the smug look on his face. He was proud the way he made her crack and she hated herself even more for letting him have that kind of affect on her.
"How's he doin'?" Steve asked, glancing at Johnny. He stood in front of Ellie, enough so that Dally was blocked from her sight, and she wondered if it was pure luck or if he had noticed Dally's reaction when they walked in, too.
"Been sleeping off and on," Darry said. He looked past Steve to Ellie. "He wanted to know where you were. He thought they were looking for you too."
"Show 'em what I gave you," Steve said, giving her a nudge.
Ellie fumbled with the switch, then held it up like it was a snake about to bite her.
"Steve, I don't know if that's such a good idea," Darry warned slowly. "If something does happen - "
"Then she'll have something to fight them off with," Steve replied coolly. "Don't worry about it. I'll show her how to use it."
Two-Bit stumbled a little when he stood up and when he got a little closer, Ellie could smell the beer on his breath. "Lemme see," he said.
He moved his hand slightly and the blade shot out in a heartbeat.
"Shit, Steve," Two-Bit said. "My grandma's got a better knife than this."
"Well give her yours then," Steve said, snatching the knife back. "Show her how to use your pride an' joy."
Two-Bit looked her over and then looked at the blade Steve had given her.
"Well, I guess she needs something to learn on," he said, turning back to her. He gave her a wink. "Okay, El-la, this is how it's done ... "
Darry shooed all of them out to the backyard, save for Pony and Dally as Steve and Two-Bit started their lessons. She tried to pay attention and learn the tricks and moves they were teaching her, but she just wasn't in the mood. Soda sat on the back steps laughing at the scene.
"Hold your hand out like so," Two-Bit said carefully, blinking several times as he looked at the blade. "Guess I had a little too much to drink. Did you give her two blades, Steve?"
Steve snatched the single blade out of his hand. "The only thing he's gonna show you how to do is how he can cut himself while he's drunk. This is how you need to hold it."
Ellie watched him hold the blade lightly in his hand and when Two-Bit took a step towards him to take it back, Steve flicked a finger against a button and the blade shot out the front.
"Keep a looser grip on it than that," Soda suggested from his seat on the sidelines.
"What, you think you're better at this than me?" Steve asked, pointing the switch at Soda now. "Why don't you get off your ass and come out here and show her better?"
"Nah," he replied, stretching his legs out in front of him. "I'm too comfortable over here. 'Sides, it's too funny watching you guys show her the wrong way to do it."
"Yeah, right," Steve scoffed. "I ain't never seen you with a blade. Ellie here could probably take you. Show him what you've got, El."
Soda grinned at her. "Don't even think about it, kid. I'd hate to have to hurt you."
"In your dreams, Soda," Ellie replied, and Two-Bit hooted with laughter.
The backdoor opened and a shadow was cast over the lawn where they were working. Ellie lost the smile that was briefly on her face. For just a few minutes, the guys had let everything go back to normal, and she felt guilty for going along with it. Darry stood there watching them, and she felt herself come back to reality quickly.
"Hey, El?" Darry said, holding the door open. "He's askin' for you."
"Johnny?" she asked in surprise.
"Yeah."
Inside things were eerily quiet for the Curtis house. Pony was sitting in Darry's chair reading and Dally was standing guard near the front door. He looked like he was getting ready to bolt and was just looking for an excuse to leave in a huff. She tried to keep her head high as she walked into the room and knelt in front of the couch where Johnny lay.
"Hey, Johnny," she said, barely above a whisper.
He rolled over a little so he could face her, the dim lighting wasn't enough to hide how badly his face had been beaten. She sucked in a little breath when he winced.
"You okay?" she asked, afraid to touch him.
"Just fine," he said with a tired smile. "You're okay?"
She swallowed back the tears she felt creeping up her throat.
"I'm fine," she swore.
His hand moved back and forth weakly, motioning between their faces. "You an' me . . . we're gonna have the same scar, huh?" he asked, a forced smile on his face.
Ellie looked at his bruised, swollen face and felt the one thing she knew he would hate for her to feel: pity. Johnny said the guy who hit him had a bunch of rings and she knew that he would be carrying those scars forever without much hope of them fading enough to hide them. He wasn't as lucky as she had been, and she hated that it took this to make her realize lucky she really was.
"Yeah, kid, I guess we will," she said.
Dally started cursing under his breath but loud enough for her, Johnny and Ponyboy to hear. She avoided turning to look at him, but the sound of the door slamming told her what she needed to know.
"Is he okay?" Pony asked, joining her on the floor.
Ellie looked from Johnny to Pony and back to Johnny.
"He's just itchin' for a fight," she said, not entirely lying.
Johnny looked at the ceiling, keeping any thoughts or comments he may have had about an impending fight to himself. He wasn't encouraging it, nor was he going against it. Ellie closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against the edge of the couch. She should have done that from the beginning. Maybe then, none of this would have happened.
And there's nothing I can say
'Cause I'm never gonna change your mind
Behind those eyes you hide.
Do the guys actually have a plan to get back at these guys or are they just all talk?
What is Dally's deal with Ellie? Is Dally right that Tim's just going to break her heart all over again?
Check out our other story, Front Page Drive In News, to see how Tim got his face slashed.