Now and Then

by Crevette

Change is hard. Especially when it is change not of your own choosing. But sometimes second (or third or even fourth) chances come around. The question then is what do you do about them? Run, or grab hold with both hands with everything you've got. Canon until the end of series 4. AU after that (just as though Fire never happened...)

38. Chapter 37: Facing Demons

Apologies to garden-naoms and Marsupial1974 for the ear worm last chapter. Trust me, it was worse for me because I got hit with it every time I edited the chapter!

Fair warning: This chapter is not beta'd as Miss Marauder is a busy bee working hard to prep for finals. If you catch an error please let me know so I can fix it. And in the meantime, send MM some good vibes and positive energy! BTW – she is writing for the Carmilla fandom now – I haven't quite managed to get into that series yet – too busy trying to focus on completing this story. But if you are, you should go check her new story out!

Disclaimer: Insert your own witty comment here re. me not owning Skins or the characters…

This chapter has me scared to death. Please be kind.

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~o0o~

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Chapter 37 – Facing Demons

The clickety-clack of the train wheels clipping along the tracks and the blur of the scenery whipping by are lulling.

It is a beautiful spring day, with a blazing sun that actually conveys noticeable heat and the kind of deep blue, cloudless sky that is so rare here at this time of year. They have adjoining seats in a half-empty car for the two hour trip from Paddington Station to Temple Meads. And it is quiet. Weirdly, remarkably quiet, except for the sound of the train moving down the rails. There are no crying children or annoying punters loudly exclaiming how wonderful they are or trying to sell something or just killing time with mindless chatter. The trip is as enjoyable as it can ever be as a result.

And yet, neither woman is at ease. And neither woman is really enjoying the journey despite the more than pleasant company.

For Naomi, it feels beyond weird to be doing this with Emily again. They made this journey countless times after they moved to London. And then, of course, they stopped. Her mind has been replaying flashbacks of past trips on an endless loop. It's not so bad when the memories are of their previous rides together: Trips home for Christmas and birthdays or Mothers' Day or just because Naomi could not take any more nagging pleas from Gina or Emily from Katie. Those memories are alright. They are comforting.

But the memories of the trips Naomi has made alone are not. Those memories are anything but comforting, and they bloody well won't stop looping through her brain. From the first, panic-laded trip that ended so brutally badly, to every heart-breaking trip since that she has made without Emily by her side. The memories of those lonely trips are truly haunting. And they are what have Naomi practically vibrating in her seat, on edge and fighting not to give in to the negativity that keeps pulling on her. At least she is aware of what is going on with her and she can try to regulate her responses. But it's fucking hard as hell.

So even on this beautiful day, with Emily by her side and their relationship well on the mend, this journey is a bit of a bitch for Naomi. It is a struggle for her to remember that they are okay now. It is an even bigger struggle for her not to fall back into the anger and pain that were so present during the more recent, solitary voyages. It is a struggle, but one that Naomi is determined to win. Because she is damned sure that going back to Bristol is going to be a fuck of a lot harder on Emily than it is on her. And this trip is important. It may just set the tone for how their relationship moves forward, and Naomi is determined, absolutely fucking determined not to let their ghosts get in the way. It would be so easy for this to make them step back; for them to lose the progress they have made in the past weeks. And that just cannot happen.

The battle with her emotions gets easier for Naomi when Emily reaches over to take her hand. The power of touch between them is truly incredible. Even that little bit of contact helps Naomi feel more grounded, more certain that she has made – that she is making - the right choice. And even more determined to do whatever is needed to get them through this trip in once piece. They may end up a little emotionally bruised. But they simply cannot end up broken. She won't allow it.

Emily leans across her lover to peak out the window, and the weight of the twin resting against Naomi's side is reassuring.

"It's nice to see green again, don't you think?"

Naomi is grateful for the distraction, however pedantic.

"Yeah. I've seen the odd plum tree in bloom, too. Seems we've finally put winter behind us. About fucking time, I must say."

That Emily is still anxious despite the physical contact between them is signaled by the drum of restless fingers where they rest on Naomi's left thigh. Naomi places their joined hands atop Emily's dancing one, gently caressing the skin beneath in a soothing pattern until the drumming stops. Emily is embarrassed that her nerves are so blatantly obvious.

"Sorry."

"Don't be. It's a bit of a lot, doing this, I know."

"Mmm-hmm." Emily's reply is non-committal, as she tries, very much in vain, to hide just how tense she is becoming as the train eats up the distance that separates them from Bristol, and more to the point, from Gina.

"It will be fine, Ems. I promise." Naomi's verbal reassurance is welcome to the twin, the blonde's lack of certainty on the subject well hidden. But even that is not enough to quell Emily's run away nerves. Emily appreciates the gesture anyway, knowing full-well that this journey is not easy for Naomi either. She feels well cared for knowing that Naomi is once again putting the twin's well-being ahead of her own worries, something that she has been doing a lot of lately.

They drop back into silence, but this time they sit tucked in close to each other, fingers entwined, with Emily's head resting gently on Naomi's shoulder. Knowing that whatever may come at the end of the tracks they will face it together helps to ease Emily's latent anxiety and foster a fledgling sense that maybe, just maybe Naomi is right. Maybe it will all be fine. Maybe this new chapter will be a good thing. And maybe, just maybe, Gina really will be willing to forgive and forget. Of course, Emily's faith in that possibility ebbs incrementally the closer they come to their destination.

Finally, the moment comes, and the train slides its way into the station with brakes shrieking. Emily takes stalling to a new level, dawdling over every step and action in a desperate effort to delay the now inevitable as her anxiety continues to rise. Finally, Naomi shifts her bags around to free up a hand and grab the twin's to lovingly, gently, but firmly pull her towards the exit.

They disembark without further incident. But they have only taken a handful of steps towards the car park when Emily mutters something about needing the loo. It is pretty obvious that this is just another stall tactic. Naomi is about to call the twin on it when a very familiar voice interrupts and makes it unnecessary.

"Girls! Girls, over here!"

It is Gina, of course.

For a moment, time stops as the three women look at each other, frozen in place, Emily's face painted with trepidation and guilt, Naomi's with mixed concern and hope, and Gina's…

Gina's face is unreadable. And that, in itself, is damn near terrifying.

She walks towards them with purpose, a vision of seriousness and intensity. She stops directly in front of Emily with only the barest acknowledgement of her daughter on the way. And she stares hard at the twin, who is, quite frankly, quaking in her Chucks.

Gina stares, unmoving, for several long heart beats, taking in the woman before her, examining her and evaluating her in absolute silence.

And then she moves.

Without warning, she leans forward and wraps Emily in her arms. She pulls the twin to her so tightly that Emily can barely breathe, and she doesn't let go.

She hugs Emily as closely as she can and she sways them gently where they stand.

She hugs Emily like she has been waiting for years to do just that. And, of course, she has.

Naomi can only watch, with tears brewing at the sight before her.

Gina's eyes are tightly closed while Emily's are blown wide open.

Gina's hands are wrapped firmly across Emily's back, while Emily's are clutched tightly at her side.

And then finally, slowly, oh-so-slowly, the tension in Emily's body starts to subside as it begins to sink in that her best hopes for this moment are coming true. Gina hasn't shunned her. She hasn't cursed her out. She has embraced her, faults and fears and all. She has offered comfort and Emily finally, gratefully falls into it.

Gina loosens her hold as she feels the twin begin to relax, but she doesn't let go. She steps back a half step until she can rest her forearms on the twin's shoulders and cup her face. There is a hitch in Gina's voice when she finally speaks. There is a hitch in her voice and there are tears in her eyes threatening to fall.

She loves this beautiful, battle-scarred child.

She loves her and she is so very happy to see her standing, safe and mostly whole, in front of her once more.

She loves her, despite everything. And every ounce of motherly inclination inside her is screaming for her to help make this right, to help heal the woman before her.

Gina can tell how nervous Emily still is, so she leans forward once again and whispers directly into her ear, trying to convey just how pleased and relieved and overjoyed she is to see the tiny twin once more.

"Welcome home, Luv."

That's all it takes for Emily to burst into tears.

The twin lurches forward back into Gina's arms, finally, fully allowing herself the solace of hugging back, of clinging to the warmth and consolation being offered to her. The overwhelming relief and the renewed hope and always present love she has for Gina blast through the last bit of emotional control that Emily has and the twin breaks down and just fucking bawls in the arms of the woman who has been as much, and often more, of a mother to her than her own. Of course, at that, Gina promptly joins the cry-fest with her own bittersweet tears as she cradles the fragile soul before her in her arms.

Naomi is also affected by the scene as she watches her mother and lover cling fiercely to each other. She had not understood how much she needs this – how very much she needs these two women whom she loves so very deeply despite all their differences and history to find their way back to each other.

She gets it now. Right down to her toes, she understands.

These two remarkable, crazy, wonderful, challenging, complex, frustrating and beautiful women are her family. They are her home. And they are as essential to her life as breathing.

And as the reunion proceeds and solidifies in front of her eyes, Naomi's own tears begin to fall. They are tears are of joy and happiness and such a profound sense of rightness that she is not sure she could fully describe it if she had to. In the vision of her mother and her lover brought to shared tears of love and regret and forgiveness, Naomi has found something magical; something ethereal and impossible to capture or name, but something desperately needed, that fills her up and brings back a light to her life that she had not quite realized that she had lost. It brings back that light to them all. It will not fix everything or heal all the emotional and psychological wounds between. Nothing can do that except perhaps time. But, in this moment of acceptance they can all – all three of them - believe a little more in the possibility.

Finally, as their emotions begin to settle to a manageable level again, Gina reaches out to pull Naomi into the hug. The gesture would normally be too much for the blonde, causing her to feel too vulnerable and too exposed. But, after what she has just witnessed, and with that ephemeral sense of joy still thrumming through her, Naomi gladly joins in. She kisses them both, Gina and Emily, on their foreheads, soaking in the contentment of the moment.

They make quite a sight standing there beside the tracks, clinging so fiercely to each other as the tears stream down their faces. They make quite a sight, and not one of them, not even the PDA-averse Naomi, could care less.

It is Gina who takes the lead again, breaking free of the embrace with a laugh to dig through her bag for tissues. She hands them around as a good mom does, and the women do a passable job of wiping clean wet eyes and noses. Emily's mascara is definitely not waterproof, so Naomi helps her out, gently holding the twin's face with one hand while wiping off the worst of the damage with a tissue held in the other. Gina watches fondly, delighted and also admittedly still a little nervous to see such warmth and affection flow between the girls. Positive thoughts, though. Gina is determined to think positive thoughts. Emily is back and recovering well and her daughter is happy. And really, that is all that Gina has ever wanted.

"Come on then. Kieran will leave us behind at this rate, the old fart."

The lovers chuckle, and Naomi takes one last swipe across Emily's face before pronouncing her beautiful once more. And then they are on their way. Gina grabs each woman by an arm, the urge for contact with both of them still strong. They walk arm in arm in arm together through the station, the lovers struggling a little to hold their bags in one hand, but loathe to break the connections between them.

They reach the car park at long last, and approach the beat up vehicle where Kieran sits balefully in the driver's seat. Emily's shyness returns as she steps into the back seat.

"Hello ladies. Thought you must 'ave got lost walking through the station."

"Oh, shush you." Gina's reproach is almost made unconsciously, so normal is it between them.

"Good to see you Emily."

"Thank you. You, too."

"Shame you had to bring the ball and chain with you…" The chuckle in Kieran's voice does not stop Naomi from flicking the back of his head, hard. And suddenly, it feels just like old times again, like good times, and Emily feels herself begin to relax, the familiarity of the exchanges bringing a sense of rightness with it. She reaches out to find Naomi's hand once again though all the same, craving the sense of belonging and care that the blonde's touch brings.

The journey is a relatively quick one, although made memorable by Kieran's truly atrocious driving. Three near misses between the station and the house is a new record for him, and everyone's nerves are rattled for a whole new reason by the time they get home as a result.

The women fling themselves out of the car with an extra bit of vigour, very glad to have their feet back on land. They share a silent eye-roll at the incompetence of their chauffeur as they grab the bags from the boot. It does not take long for them all to enter the house. Emily goes last, pausing for a moment to gather herself before she enters into this place that was once her home. There are so many memories here, both good and bad. Just seeing the familiar building has brought a wave of those memories back. This visit is going to be a challenge not just because of Gina, but also because Emily is going to have to face those memories head on.

Naomi senses her lover's unease, and steps back to the doorway. She reaches for Emily's free hand. "Come on then, Ems."

It is exactly what Emily needs: the gentle touch of Naomi's hand reminds her that she is not alone in this. She smiles at her lover, almost managing to cover her nerves. But Naomi, of course, notices, and gives her Emily's hand a quick, reassuring squeeze.

Emily half expects to feel some physical reaction as she crosses the threshold – some frisson or buzz or something that demarks the importance of the event. But of course, the house is just a house. This isn't Harry Potter or Once Upon a Time. The house isn't going to "read" her and bar her from entry if it finds her lacking. She shakes her head at her own silliness and tries to pull her nerves into check. It is Gina who pops her head back into the entryway and breaks the strange moment.

"Right then. Get yourselves settled and grab a wash if you want. I'll go check on the tea."

"Thanks Mom."

Naomi turns to head up the stairs with her gear. Emily lingers just a moment longer, surveying the parts of the house that she can see. Very little has changed since she was last there. The god-awful orange patterned wallpaper in the lounge is gone, but the photos in the stairway are the same, and even the plants in the hallway look familiar. It is unsettling to have the place feel so much the same when in reality so much has changed for Emily.

She flicks her gaze upwards to where Naomi is waiting for her at the top of the stairs and starts to follow. She knows the route so well, this path to Naomi's room. And she wonders how her being here is affecting Naomi. It has to be strange and at least a little difficult. They have so much history together in this room. And now Naomi also has more recent history here without her. Emily can only imagine how painful it must have been for Naomi to face this room after Emily left. Being in Bristol would have been hard enough, but being here… that must have been truly horrid.

Naomi is thinking about much the same thing. She remembers how lonely it felt to be here after Emily left and how utterly lost she felt in those days. But it is different this time, now that Emily is with her again. That is helping to take some of the sting out of the old memories. At least, it makes it a bit easier to embrace the good ones, the earlier ones, from when things were better between them.

"Remember our first night here? Lying on the floor and drinking vodka together?"

The smile that breaks across Emily's face is wide and genuine. "'Course I do. How could I ever forget you looking for sex tips?"

"Oy! I did not such thing!"

"Oh, really? So you didn't ask me what lesbians do, then? Funny, I seem to recall a whole chat about brogues and strap-ons and oylzzzzz!"

It is a perfect memory to diffuse the lingering tension. They can look back now and realize just how ridiculous that whole conversation was. But best of all, they can look back and remember that moment when things were light and easy and silly between them. There is real fondness between them as they reminisce about the earliest beginnings of this relationship between them.

The two women start unpacking, hanging up their "crush-ables" and sorting out space for their toiletries in the loo. It is all so very familiar, which is both comforting and a little disconcerting at the same time. The burgeoning awkwardness is thankfully broken when they hear Kieran bellowing them down for supper.

"Girls! Tea's on! Get your lovely arses down here afore it gets cold!"

"Jesus. He really is such a wanker!"

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~o0o~

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Tea time is fine, mostly.

It is a bit strained, but it certainly could be worse. The problem is that as the meal progresses, Emily's guilt over hurting Naomi, and by extension Gina, begins to raise its ugly head again despite the efforts of both those women to treat the meal just like any other meal they have shared together.

Perhaps that is the problem.

This meal isn't like the others. But no one is acknowledging the elephant in the room. And as a result, with every kind gesture from Gina, with every supportive act from Naomi, Emily feels just a little bit worse, just a little bit more remorseful, just a little bit more as though she does not deserve to be here; as though she does not deserve such kindness or support. The old fears keep creeping back in.

It is a definite step back. It is all too easy for Emily to fall back into regret in this place. Just coming into Bristol was enough to start that slide. Emily knew it would happen. She has prepared for it. She spoke to Dr. Cochrane and developed strategies to deal with it. She thought she was ready for it. At least, as ready as she can be for something like this. But it is hard to engage her coping skills when all she can think of is what it must have been like for these people she loves in the days and months after she left, and how very much she has hurt them all.

And that is a fucking awful thought that is very successfully taken the knees – and whatever confidence Gina's welcome had sparked - right out from under her.

The other three at the table can see that Emily is troubled. But none of them really know what to say or do to make it better. The dinner table is not exactly the best place for a heart to heart. So, they exchange small talk about the weather and the news and try to pretend that everything is all right in the hope that eventually it will be.

Finally the meal is finished and they go their separate ways, Gina and Kieran to watch t.v. and Naomi and Emily back up to their room. There is relief for Emily, and by extension Naomi, in being alone together even though neither is truly at ease. But it is a short-lived reprieve. Only a few moments after the women enter the room, Emily's mobile rings.

It's her mother.

Emily flicks worried eyes towards Naomi, who is flopped across the bed. She contemplates not answering, but knows that Jenna is likely to keep calling until she gets an answer.

"Hi."

Naomi shifts on the bed, curious about who is calling and why Emily suddenly sounds even more nervous than before.

"The trip was fine."

Emily slowly turns away from Naomi, trying to keep the blonde from overhearing too much of the conversation. She is hoping that her mom will be satisfied by knowing that she has arrived safely, but no such luck. Apparently Jenna also wants to know how things are going at the Campbell house.

"Yeah, we got here a couple of hours ago… We just finished eating."

Emily knew Jenna was not happy that her daughter was coming to town and staying somewhere else, but she had explained that this trip was about seeing Gina. It seems that explanation did not appease Jenna after all, and frankly, Emily does not have the patience to deal with her mother's issues tonight. She has enough of her own to contend with.

"No, Mom. We are not going to drop by for a quick visit. Not this trip. I told you that already."

Naomi almost chokes when she hears Emily's reply. It is bad enough to know that Emily is talking to the person who perhaps more than anyone else has always wanted Naomi out of the twin's life – a person Naomi has quite a few issues with herself - but just the thought of going back into that fucking house with Emily is enough to practically cause the blonde to collapse right then and there.

She is not ready for that. She is not ready to stand in that foyer with Emily again. She is not even sure she ever will be.

It freaks her out completely that Emily might ask that of her. She should have known better, of course. Emily is probably even more sensitive about that idea than Naomi is, and she moves quickly to reassure Naomi that it is not going to happen. The twin mouths "we're not going" towards her lover, and then interrupts her mother to make the same point.

"Mom, seriously, you need to drop this. We are not going to come by the house. I'll try to find time to come back for a visit with you and Dad, but it is not going to happen this weekend. I need you to respect that, alright?"

Naomi holds her breath waiting to hear Jenna's response. She is surprised, but very happily so, when it seems from Emily's side of the conversation that Jenna has let the idea go. Naomi cannot remember a time when Jenna did anything just because Emily asked her to, but she is very glad to see it happen this time.

After a few more minutes the call ends, apparently on a positive note. But Emily's concern remains. "I'm sorry, Naoms. She's trying to be nice, I think. You know, to do the polite thing. She's just a bit tone-deaf about it."

Naomi appreciates the apology. She almost decides to just accept it and let the whole thing drop. But this is not something that is going to go away.

"It's okay, Em. I know she misses you. And I can understand why she would ask. But…" The blonde takes a deep, shivering breath. "But I can't go back there with you, Emily. Not yet."

She holds back the words, "and maybe not ever," but Emily can practically hear them ring out around the room. The words land heavily, revealing as they do just how deeply the hurt of that night still runs despite all the progress they have made in moving forward.

"I'm so, so sorry."

Naomi leans up from the bed to pull Emily into her arms.

"Oh, Ems. Please don't cry. I didn't say it to make you feel bad. You've apologized for everything that happened there, and I understand. I just… it's not so easy to forget, you know?"

They lie down beside each other, Emily still cradled in Naomi's arms, her head resting on her lover's chest.

"We're okay, Ems. It's just that some bits of our past are going to be a little harder to get past than others. But I promise you, we're okay."

"If you can never go back there, I'll understand. To be honest, I kind of hate being there, too. Not because of my family… I miss them. But I can barely stand to look at that fucking staircase, let alone actually walk up it. So I get it, Naoms. I really, truly get it."

They are silent for a while, minds preoccupied with digesting the conversation and the rest of the day's events. Emily finally breaks the quiet.

"She said 'hello', by the way."

"Huh?"

"My mom. She says 'hello."

Naomi's shocked look would be funny in another context, but her surprise is truly genuine. She knows that Emily's relationship with her mom has improved over the years, but for Jenna to send greetings to Naomi is beyond what the blonde ever expected. Emily can tell.

"We're not the only ones who've changed, Naoms. She doesn't always get it right, but… seeing me go through what I did… well, she has become a lot more supportive since. She tries any way, in her own way."

The blonde nods, accepting the information at face value. "Okay. I'll try to remember that."

They descend back into silence. About a half an hour goes by before Naomi realizes that Emily has fallen asleep in her arms. She cannot bear the thought of waking the twin after the long and emotional day, so she leaves her be. Unfortunately, Naomi is not so lucky. She is just wired enough from the thoughts whirling through her brain that she cannot sleep. Her thoughts circle endlessly through the events of the day, through all the key moments that she has shared with Emily, both good and bad, as well as a kaleidoscope of memories of Jenna and the Fitch house and that fucking staircase. She thinks of Gina and Kieran and Effy and Cook and the parts they have played in keeping her in one piece. There is no rhyme or reason to the flow, but it leaves her unsettled and wide awake.

An hour or so later, she hears Gina and Kieran climb the stairs to their bedroom. Before long the house is still again, and she cannot hear a sound beyond Emily's soft breaths. Her revolving thoughts continue as she considers all the many steps and leaps of faith that have brought them to this moment- back in this place, wrapped up together in her childhood bed, in her childhood home. It has been a fucking incredible journey, in all the many connotations of that word.

She is still awake, still contemplating the past and what it means for the present as the sun rises. Through the window, she can see its light beginning to creep across the sky. Emily fell asleep before she was able to draw the curtains the night before and Naomi knows from experience that the light will soon awaken the twin unless she manages to block it out. She very carefully slips out from underneath the twin, moving as slowly as she possibly can. She breathes out a sign of relief when Emily only snorts and snuggles further under the covers for warmth when Naomi shifts out of the bed. The blonde pauses at the window to watch the colours of the sunrise begin to splash across the horizon. Then she quietly closes the shades and plunges the room into darkness once more.

She knows that she will not get to sleep now. It is pointless to even try. She thinks that perhaps if she blows off some steam, she might be able to sleep later. With that in mind, she grabs her mobile and flicks on the torch, being careful to keep the beam far away from her sleeping lover. She quickly gathers some warm, clean clothes and carries the bundle into the loo to change. Once she is dressed, she descends the stairs and dons her coat. She quietly slips out of the house.

And then she walks.

It is, in some ways, an echo of her last visit. But the circumstances are so very different. The decision she struggled with then has been made now, the hesitation long gone. She is committed to Emily. That is no longer what troubles her. What she struggles with now is how they can find peace here, in this town, in this place that is so tainted by the very worst of their demons, but is also where many of those closest to them reside.

She follows the familiar streets step after step, enjoying the peace that only exists in these early hours of the morning. There are a few bird calls, and the sound of the occasional car passing in the distance. But for the most part it is only the tap of her feet on the pavement that breaks the silence.

She does not really pay attention to her route. She knows that wherever she ends up in this city, she will be able to find her way home.

She passes Roundview College and smiles despite herself. There were some good times there, amongst the bad. It was where it all really started with her and Emily. It was the beginning.

She passes the dorm rooms where Cook lived for a time, and shakes her head at what a dick her friend was in those days.

She passes Keith's, still standing despite the years and still a dive, and thinks back fondly to trivia nights and free beer and Emily with that fucking cake that she pulled out of nowhere.

She can't even pretend to be surprised when she arrives at the park bench on the hill. There are so many memories attached to this place. But on this early morning, unlike the last time, she doesn't stop there. She wants to keep moving.

She descends the hill again, veering off once she reaches the bottom to walk along the water for a bit, finding solace in the gentle lap of the waves on the shore before swinging back into town past the house where Effy used to live.

And then she walks by the house with the cat flap, pausing just in front of it for a moment. It was the first place that she ever really acknowledged the truth,where she finally reached back to connect with Emily, even though she never got past the front door that night.

This is a walk down memory lane in the most literal sense, but it is all focused on trying to find a way forward. So, it really should not be surprising where she finds herself next. It was almost inevitable really, she thinks, as she stands there in the morning light - surprising, in one sense, especially after the conversation with Emily from the night before - but also, inevitable. It is, in the end, why she is out here walking in the first place. It has just taken her some time to work up to it.

She stands there, staring at the building before her. She doesn't approach, but she doesn't leave either. The memories that have assailed her since the moment she turned down the street are holding her there. They are overwhelming.

Naomi is so lost in thought that she does not hear the slap of jogging feet approach her. She does not notice the person drawing near at all until she is startled out of her reverie by the very familiar voice.

"Naomi?"

Shit.

"… Jenna."

Of all the people it could have been, it fucking had to be Jenna.

The woman is surprised to find the Naomi standing in front of her house - surprised, and not overly pleased. But she is also concerned, given the place, the early hour and the history. And she has promised herself that she will try to be better, for Emily.

"Are you alright, Naomi?"

Naomi shakes her head, chuckling wryly. "I really don't know."

"What are you doing here? It's only 6 o'clock…"

Naomi looks back towards the house. It keeps drawing her attention like a magnet.

"I don't know. I couldn't sleep so I was walking. And then I was here."

Naomi shivers a bit in the cold air, though it is not entirely the cold that causes it.

"You must be frozen. Would you…" It would have been unthinkable just a short while ago for Jenna to make the offer that she is contemplating. But there is something about finding Naomi here this morning that compels her.

"I could make you some tea."

Naomi looks at Jenna as though she has lost her mind. The older woman simply waits. Her offer is genuine, but she won't beg. Naomi is either ready to accept it or she is not. She does not want to pressure or deter the blonde. Truth be told, Jenna is not entirely prepared to have Naomi Campbell in her house again. But Emily has been very clear that Naomi is not going anywhere. They are together again, and if Emily has anything to say about it, they will be for a long time. Jenna has been down this path before and she has learned a thing or two along the way. One of those things is that nothing and no one – not even Naomi Campbell – is worth losing her daughter again. So, if Naomi is willing to join her for tea, she will welcome her.

Naomi looks back at the house, trying to envision herself walking towards it, walking into it.

It has a hold on her and she hates it. It makes her feel lower than shit, and she hates that, too. It represents the absolute worst moment of the absolute worst day of her life, and she hates that most of all.

The question is what is she going to do about it? She can walk away and let it keep it's strangle hold on her. Or she can try to face the fucking thing and break the hold. The problem is that she is not remotely sure that she has the strength or the courage for the latter.

Strangely, it is the presence of Jenna Fitch and the absence of Emily that makes her try.

She thinks that maybe with Emily not there, not present to make the ghosts seem more real, it will be easier. Not easy, no fucking chance of that, but easier.

And she thinks that maybe with Jenna there, she will have a little more incentive to dig down and be strong. Because she really fucking hates the idea of Jenna seeing her be weak.

So she says "yes."

She instantly wants to puke, but she holds it in. She is less successful at holding back the anxious tremors that set in as soon as the word is out of her mouth.

Jenna sees them, of course. She has been watching the blonde like a hawk since the moment she realized who it was who was standing at the foot of her lawn. She is not immune to what it means for Naomi to be her, either. She knows what happened that night. Not everything. Not even Katie would tell her everything, too determined to protect her sister as much as she could. But she knows enough to understand how difficult this is likely to be for Naomi. And despite all the issues that Jenna has with the girl, she cannot ignore the fact that Naomi has stood by Emily through these recent months. Naomi gave Emily another chance and has stood by her ever since, and Emily is happier because of that. That is enough to prod the older woman past her lingering reluctance.

"Come on, dear. Let's get you out of this cold."

Jenna doesn't touch Naomi. That would not feel right between them. But she does pause a few steps ahead until Naomi catches up, and then walks beside her until they reach the door.

"I'll go on in and put the kettle on. You take your time. Come on back to the kitchen whenever you're ready."

Naomi stands outside the doorway as she watches her lover's mother walk down the hall. She can see the stairway – that fucking stairway - from where she stands, and a little bit of the lounge room, too. She can hear the words she babbled those three years ago echoing in her head. And loudest of all she can hear Emily's "no" reverberating like a gunshot, and just as destructive.

It is crippling.

She fights hot tears as the memories wash over her, struggling hard to remember that was then and this is now.

She pushes against the old memories by focusing on new ones. She clings to the thought of Emily sleeping in her arms through the night. She holds fast to recollections of sweet kisses and gentle touches and loving words.

She stares and she stares and she stares at those fucking stairs for minute after long aching minute, reminding herself of everything that she has learned since that terrible night, and of all the good things that Emily has brought to her life since they reunited.

She tries so hard to remember the good instead of the bad, because if she and Emily are to have any kind of chance at all, she has to get past this. She has to be able to enter this house and not fall utterly apart. She has to find a way. So she stares and she thinks and she struggles so damn hard to be brave.

She stares until the hurt starts to lessen a little.

She stares until the tremors start to subside.

She stares until she doesn't have to work quite so hard to remember that Emily was sick and hurt and confused back then. And that Emily loves and wants her now.

She stares until she can make her feet, and her heart, move forward instead of back.

It takes a long time, longer than she thought she had the strength for.

But finally, she steps in.

She steps into the house, into the very space where her life imploded.

She steps in and takes a deep breath, blowing it in and out as she fights for control; in and out again and again, as she struggles for composure.

She steps into that ghost-filled entryway and she finds a way to do what Emily could not do three years ago:

She finds the strength to choose hope.

She finds the will to choose love.

She finds the faith to choose them.

It is one of the hardest things that she has ever done, and it leaves her breathless and shaking.

But she does it. Because she has lived without Emily in her life. She has lived without her for way too long, and she does not ever want to have to do that again.

It will never be easy for her to enter this space. It will never be a place she wants to be.

But with her step across the threshold, its power to shatter her is broken.

She is still standing.

She is shaken and distraught and more than a little pissed off at the world - and at Emily - that she has had to go through this.

But she is here. Against all odds, she is here.

Naomi dries her eyes with the backs of her sleeves and blows her nose on a scrap of clean tissue left over from the day before. Then she traces the steps of Jenna before her, and walks towards the kitchen. She is tired, emotionally and physically. But in some very profound way, it feels like it is important to finish this. As much as she does not like the woman who awaits her, Naomi knows as she walks down this hallway that she is walking towards her future, a future that Jenna will be a part of because Naomi is determined that Emily will be a part of it. Naomi hopes that they have both – she and Jenna - changed enough for that to be alright.

Jenna is already sitting at the table with a cup of tea before her when Naomi enters the kitchen. There is a second cup in front of the chair opposite her, steam still rising from its brim. Naomi takes that seat and reaches for the cup. Its warmth helps ground her, the familiarity of a hot cup of tea somehow reassuring despite the odd circumstances.

"Are you alright, Naomi?" There is genuine concern in Jenna's voice, something that Naomi cannot remember ever having heard directed towards her before.

"I think so… It's kind of… weird to be here. It's hard."

"I can imagine it is."

An awkward silence descends between them, which they both try to mask by sipping at their tea.

"I'm glad you're here, actually. I've been wanting to talk to you."

Naomi doesn't answer. She quirks her head slightly to the side with one eyebrow raised in inquiry instead.

"Yes, well…." Jenna hesitates, and Naomi is amazed to realize that the older woman is nervous, too.

"Look Naomi, you and I haven't exactly gotten along in the past…."

Well, that is an understatement if ever Naomi heard one.

"You told me disappear, Jenna. You said that I would screw her up." Naomi is not quite ready to let that one go, even though it was a long time ago. But Jenna is no shrinking violet either.

"I know. And you did screw her up. Twice."

Her voice is acid on the last word and just like that they are back in their old rhythm of claws and snarls, and that is not what Jenna wants for this discussion. She pauses and works to rein in her dislike of the blonde. It is not easy, but for Emily, she will find a way.

"But that was years ago, Naomi, and there is very little point in rehashing it. And frankly, Emily has faced a lot worse things in her life than you being in it. In fact… though I am not pleased to have to admit it, especially to you… you being in her life right now seems to be the best thing that could have happened."

Jenna looks up from the place mat that has held her attention, and zeroes in on the brilliant blue eyes across from her.

"She has come alive again, Naomi. She is happy and I wasn't sure I would ever get to see her that way again. Can you imagine how that feels as a mother? To think your child will never be happy? To worry every day if that will be the day you lose her for good because she just can't face being so sad anymore?"

Jenna fights back the tears that are threatening to overtake her at the thought of just how shattered her daughter used to be. She will talk to Naomi, but she will not cry in front of her.

"Believe me when I tell you there is very little on earth that is more terrifying or devastating than that. I would have done anything then to make it better and I would do anything now to keep it better. And if that means welcoming you back into our lives, then so be it. I know it will not always be perfect between you, but from everything that Emily and Katie have told me it seems that you are what Emily needs. You are what makes her happy. And, after everything my daughter has gone through, quite honestly, that is all I need to know. So, I am asking you… can we start again?"

Naomi is dumbfounded.

"Start again? Just like that. With a cup of tea?"

"Yes, Naomi. Just like that, with a cup of tea."

Naomi takes a deep breath and blows it out, gauging her options and carefully considering the woman sitting across from her and the common interests they share. Jenna's speech was a tangled web if dislike and grudging acceptance, and she doesn't quite know what to make of it. But if Jenna is willing to start fresh for Emily's sake, then Naomi has to at least consider it. Because she would do just about anything for Emily, too.

"Okay. We'll start again."

.

~o0o~

.

Emily awakens to the welcome scents of coffee and bacon. She is surprised not to find Naomi in bed with her, but not overly concerned. She wanders downstairs expecting to see the blonde in the kitchen. She is startled when it is Gina she finds there instead. Despite the incredible welcome at the station the twin is nervous to be alone with the woman. She knows that they still have to talk, and that is not likely to be a whole lot of fun.

"I'm making breakfast. Would you like some?"

"Yes, please"

The response is tentative, which Gina notices. But Emily takes a seat at the table, so the older woman lets it go for the moment. The twin isn't running away, and that's a good start.

"I hope you're hungry."

"I am. Thank you. It smells wonderful."

"Good. What about my lay-about daughter?"

"Actually, she's not upstairs. I thought you were her, to be honest. I'm not sure where she is."

"Hmmm. Probably just out for a walk or something. She does that a lot when she's here. I'm sure she'll wander in at some point."

Gina closes the distance to place the teapot and two mugs on the table. Milk and sugar are already there.

"I've got a bit of quiche in the oven. Won't be long before it's ready."

She takes the seat next to Emily and pours out the tea.

They chat a bit about innocuous things: yes, Emily still takes her tea the same way; yes, it is nice to see so much sunshine again. Gina eases them into a sense of calm before edging into the conversation they really do need to have.

"We missed you here, Emily. It's nice to hear your voice inside these walls again."

Emily swallows hard, immediately affected by the kindness and generosity of the words.

"I missed you too, Gina. So much."

"Right. So, can I assume there'll be no more traipsing off, then?"

Gina speaks lightly, but there is no mistaking that her words are laden with import. Emily wants desperately to reassure her. She shakes her head and then looks straight at the older woman trying to telegraph just how sincere she really is.

"No. Never again."

Gina assesses the twin, then nods once. "Good."

The older woman takes another sip of her tea and then stands up from the table to check on the quiche and turn the still sputtering bacon.

"Thank you. For the cards."

That takes Gina aback. She had no idea that Emily knew about the cards that she had labored over so painstakingly and so many times. The expression on her face begs the question that she is puzzling over.

"Naomi gave them to me. The night she did,… it was the first time I really had hope that we might be okay."

Gina is surprised to hear that Naomi was the catalyst for the disclosure given how upset her daughter had been about the cards when she first discovered the pile tucked away in the table drawer. But she is pleased, too, pleased and proud to know that her daughter looked past her own pain to reach out to the twin.

"Did she now? Good for her."

"I've wondered …"

Emily stops short, as if unsure whether or how to proceed. It is strange for Gina to see the dear, sweet girl be so shy. But she does not interrupt. She turns from the stove towards the twin as tacit encouragement for her to continue.

"…Why did you write them?"

"Well, Luv, I just never stopped thinking of you, you see? I was worried about you. You had hurt my daughter and was certainly pissed at you for that. Very much so, in fact. I would have loved to have you in front of me then so I could tell you so in no uncertain terms."

Emily winces at Gina's words. Emily knew that Gina had to have been angry with her, but it is still hard to hear. Of course, the matriarch is not done yet.

"But you loved her, too, Emily. And for a long time you did that very well. I'm not sure what she would have become if she hadn't met you. She was so angry and alone back then. You tempered her bitterness and you helped her … well, hope, I guess. It was hard not to appreciate that even after you broke her heart."

"I'm so sorry for what I put her through. For what I put you both through. I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am, Gina, truly."

"I know. I believe that, Emily, I do. And I can tell you that you are part of this family, Luv, and as such, you will always be forgiven. But, I can't promise you that I will forget."

Emily's gaze drops back to the table, where her hands twist and shift with her unease. "I know."

"You hurt my daughter, very badly."

"I know."

"Look at me, Emily."

Emily does and Gina can see the tears welling in the young woman's eyes. It is just enough to softer her tone a smidgen, but the intensity of her words remains.

"Don't. do it. again."

Emily shakes her head forcefully as she holds back a sob. "I won't."

She means it. And Gina knows it. It is enough.

"Do you remember the chat we had, sitting right here just before you moved to London the first time?"

"Yes, I do."

"I warned you not to make everything about Naomi, do you remember?"

"Yes. You were right…"

Gina laughs a light and easy laugh that makes Emily's heart swell and goes a long way to easing her still lingering fears. "You'll find, Emily dear, that I usually am."

They smile at each other, much more relaxed now that the worst of the discussion is behind them. But Gina returns to seriousness for a moment, not quite ready to let the matter drop.

"That advice still stands, Luv, even more so now, in fact. You can't let your regret and remorse make you put her first all the time. You'll lose yourself again if you do. Your needs and wants are just as important as Naomi's and you have to believe that as much as she does that you deserve her for this to work long-term."

Emily nods. "I know that now."

Gina crosses to retake her seat next to the twin. She places her hand on top of Emily's and waits until she is sure that she has the twin's undivided attention.

"Knowing and believing are not the same thing, Emily, and you have to believe it. You are worthy of her. I think you may be the only one who is not yet sure of that. Do me a favour, please, and work on that."

Emily looks down at their joined hands and then turns her own upwards to claps Gina's. "I'll try. I promise."

Gina smiles. They have done enough for one day, she thinks.

"Alright then. The quiche should be ready by now. Just give me a sec to plate it up. I assume you want some of the bacon, too?"

She doesn't even bother to look back to confirm Emily's agreement. That girl has never turned down bacon in her life.

They eat together in silence, each caught up in her own thoughts. Gina finishes first and clears her plates. She leans down to kiss Emily on the top of the head.

"I love you, Emily Fitch. And I'm very glad that you're here."

Emily clings to the hand that lies gently on her shoulder. "Me too. I love you, too."

The twin feels another kiss caress her forehead, and then Gina is gone.

The tea is long cold before Emily finally rises from the table.

.

~o0o~

.

Emily has just stepped out of the shower when she hears Naomi arrive home. The twin hurries from the loo to the bedroom to check in on her. It is going on noon, and she has been worried.

"Hey Naoms. You okay?"

Naomi turns to look behind her to where Emily stands wrapped in a towel. "Yeah, I think so. I'm tired though. I didn't really sleep last night. I'm going to try to sleep a bit now, if that's okay."

"Of course it is. I just wanted to be sure that you're alright."

"I am. It's been an eventful morning, but yeah, I am. I'll tell you all about it when I get up, alright?"

Emily looks for any signs that Naomi is not telling the truth, but other than being so obviously exhausted, the blonde shows no signs of distress.

"Sure. That sounds fine. I have a few things to tell you about, too, but they can wait."

Emily dresses while Naomi undresses, and then she tucks the blonde into bed with a sweet, gentle kiss.

"I love you. Sweet dreams."

"I love you, too."

It is late afternoon when Naomi finally wakes, jostled from her sleep when Kieran trips into the doorway across the hall by accident. She descends to where Emily is reading in the living room, still sleepy-eyed and snuggly. She wraps herself in a blanket throw from the back of the sofa and sits with her knees pulled up to chin.

"Hey, Sleepyhead. Are you hungry?"

Naomi is not yet capable of functional words, so she merely grunts her agreement. Emily chuckles at her antics, and then kisses her before getting up to make tea for them both and toast for her lover. When the twin returns, Naomi inhales the toast with a sigh of contentment and then cuddles in to Emily's side where she promptly dozes off again. Emily happily breathes in the sweet scent of her lover, utterly content in the moment. Then she picks up the book that she is reading, taking care not to awaken the sleeping blonde as she does. They need to talk, but it can wait. The moment is too precious to interrupt.

A short while later, Gina passes by the lounge and sees the lovers snuggling. They are both asleep now, and the cuteness is undeniable. She grabs her mobile to take a photo (actually several) to preserve the image. It reinforces her belief that this is a good thing. Naomi and Emily belong together, and she could not be happier that they have found their way back to each other.

Naomi actually wakes first, much to her surprise. She gently pries the book from where it has fallen across Emily's lap, and then covers the twin with the throw to keep her warm. She eases off the sofa and stands, taking a moment to stretch out the kinks in her back that their odd sleeping position has caused. Her stomach rumbles with hunger despite her earlier decimation of the toast that Emily had brought her. So, she tip-toes her way towards the kitchen in search of a snack.

She is reaching to the very back of the top shelf above the cooker where she knows that Gina hides the Garibaldis from Kieran when the woman herself appears.

"Well, hello Naomi. Nice of you to join us."

"Hi Mom. Sorry, I needed to walk off some steam this morning."

"For 6 hours? Without a note or a text?"

Gina tries not to be too much of a "mom", but Naomi had scared her a bit that morning and she is a little put out, if she's honest.

"I'm sorry. I hadn't actually intended to be gone so long."

"Oh, and what pressing matter came up that kept you from checking in, pray tell?"

Naomi takes a bite of her favourite cookie, pausing to relish the flavour before responding.

"I saw Jenna. At the house."

Gina's head snaps over to look at Naomi so fast that the click is audible to them both.

"Jenna Jenna? As in Jenna Fitch? At the Fitch house?!"

"One and the same, and yes."

"Jesus, Naomi. Are you alright?"

Naomi is warmed by how fast "protective mom" Gina has resurfaced. But she is quick to reassure her mother that all is well.

"I am. It was pretty awful for a while, just being there. But, we talked. Quite a bit, as it happened. And we've come to a sort of a truce, I guess. For Emily's sake."

Gina is so taken aback by the completely unexpected information that she has to sit down. Naomi joins her at the table.

"She changed, mom. Like all of us, I guess. She's willing to start over, so... so am I. I mean, we're never going to like each other, but we're going to try to find a way to get along."

"I'm glad to hear that, my love. Very glad. I'm actually very proud of you right now."

"Oh, for god's sake…"

"No, seriously, Naomi. I know you don't like to hear it, but I need to say it. I am proud of you. What you did this morning is a very big thing. I am proud of you for that, and I am very, very happy for you that things are going so well between you and Emily."

Naomi doesn't know what to say. She has never been good at talking about feelings like this, or at accepting compliments. But Gina's words mean a lot, and she feels the need to acknowledge it.

"Thank you, mom. For everything. I'm not really sure I would have had the courage to even try for any of this without you."

"I told you Naomi, that girl has always held your heart."

"I know you did. And you saying that… well, it got me thinking. A lot. Because you were right. She has always held my heart. And she always will."

Gina beams, very glad to know that her words had helped, even a little.

"So, you'll make sure you cherish what you have this time? And nourish it, too?"

Naomi smiles at her mother, and her less than subtle nagging. "I will."

"I am happy for you, Naomi."

"Thanks Mom."

Gina leans over to hug her daughter, her eyes beginning to tear for the umpteenth time of this whirlwind of a weekend. She holds on as long as she dares, delighted as Naomi hugs her back.

"Right. Enough of that. I'm off to the shops to find something to make for tea."

Gina is half-way across the room when Naomi calls out. "Hey, mum!"

The elder Campbell turns to look back over her shoulder at her daughter.

"I love you."

Gina's smile is stunning as Naomi's words wash over her.

"I love you too, Naomi. More than you will ever know."

.

~o0o~

.

A/N I have to give credit to Marsupial1974 for discussion of Jenna. She asked about her in a review for chapter 31 and it got me thinking. I hope it was worth the wait. Credit also to Miss Marauder, who has argued strongly in her own stories and in PMs with me for Jenna being seen as more of a misguided, over protective mother than a true bitch. Both have written terrific stories that show her human side. Y'all should definitely check them out!

Now, if you would be kind enough to leave a review, I would appreciate it. Doesn't matter whether you loved it or hated it. Your feedback is not only welcome, it helps make this a better story. Plus I'm kind of freaking out about this one, so... you know. Help a girl out?