Santana.
The sound of my alarm woke me up though it felt like I'd only just fallen asleep. Today is the day Abuela goes to discuss her surgery and my nerves have been on high alert since the day we found out about the cancer. She doesn't seem to be acting worried or scared at all. I know deep down she must be, who wouldn't be? I just have this horrible feeling in my stomach that I'm going to lose her. I never saw this coming in a million years and it just sucks.
I rolled out of bed and planted my feet on the carpet as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I reached for my phone and saw that I had a new text from Brittany. Being away from her has been torture. I mean this whole situation is just one big bag of bullshit. I just got my girl and now I'm separated from her by two hours of distance. She's been so supportive and I honestly can't imagine what kind of state I'd be in if I didn't have her.
From My Love: Good morning beautiful. I dreamt of you last night. Hope you slept well... I love you. xoxo -B
To My Love: Good morning baby. Was it a sexy dream? ;] I slept like hell. I miss you next to me. I love you too. xoxo -S
I made my way to the bathroom and started my morning routine. After a quick shower I blew dry my hair and did my make up. I hadn't been feeling like doing any of this recently but I knew I was going to see Quinn today. I didn't want her going back and telling Brittany I looked like shit and making her feel bad for not being here even more than she already does. I looked in the mirror and for the first time in days I was pleased with my appearance. I snapped a picture and sent it to Brittany.
To My Love: Thinking of you. xoxo -S
I went downstairs and walked into the kitchen where Abuela was cooking breakfast. She looked tired and had dark circles under her eyes. I hated seeing her like this even if she did have her usual smile I knew she was exhausted and hurting. She had been throwing up a lot the past few days, her doctor put her on some strict diet to get ready for the surgery and help ease her nausea, although it doesn't seem to be working. I sat down at the table in the middle of the kitchen and watched her cook, she always made the most delicious food.
"buenos días Santanita. Como fue tu duerme?"[how was your sleep?] She asked.
"Good morning Abuelita. I slept like hell. Como te sientes hoy?" [How do you feel today?]I replied. She frowned at my response and started making me a plate.
"I'm a little tired, but my stomach doesn't feel too upset so far." She replied.
"That's good. What time is your appointment again?" I asked before taking a bite of the eggs she had placed in front of me. She sat down at the table and watched me eat.
"Son las once y media. I'm not sure how long it will take but you don't need to stay with me while I'm there... you don't need to take me either Santana. I'm a grown woman, with a drivers license I might add." [At 11:30]She replied. I guess she had become irritated with me treating her like a child and wanting to drive her around and do everything for her but I really just wanted to help.
"I know pero quiero ayudar. I'll let you drive yourself today I suppose. But will you call me as soon as you're finished?" [but I want to help]I replied.
"Si, Te llamaré. What do you plan to do today?" [Yes, I'll call you]She asked smiling as I took a big bite of the delicious pancakes she'd made.
"My friend Quinn wants to meet up for lunch. Well, she's a new friend... actually she's one of Brittany's friends but we have hung out a lot over the past couple weekends. Then I really didn't plan to do much except clean and whatever else needs to be done around here." I told her.
"I'm glad you're doing something for yourself because I don't like seeing you so upset. I know this is scary. But mi amor, hay un motivo para todo. If it is my time then it is my time. I'm not saying I'm going to die today, pero.. I have lived a beautiful life with many amazing memories. I've loved and lost and also created a beautiful family where I was blessed enough to have someone as special as you for a granddaughter. I have no regrets and I will face my fate. Please don't cry mi amor." [My love, there is a reason for everything]She explained. I couldn't hold back the tears that overflowed my eyes as I listened to her words. How could she just accept the possibility of her own death so easily?
"I can't help it. I've been trying to be strong but it's just not fair. You say you've had an amazing life and you have but you're supposed to have more time. I'm not ready to lose you." I told her. She looked down at the ground and then back to my eyes before reaching over and wiping away my tears.
"Santanita, no one knows how much time they have on this earth. Only God controls our fate. He has blessed me with so many things and for that I'm thankful. You'll never lose me because we are a part of each other and we always will be." She said and I felt my chest heaving up and down rapidly and I tried to control my breathing. The tears were flowing faster than before and I couldn't stop the sobs from escaping me. Abuela stood up and walked over to me around the table. She wrapped her arms around me tight and hugged me as if it were the last time. I cried into her shoulder and she scratched my back trying to soothe me.
"You know I love you very much and there's nothing that can ever take me away from you. You'll always have a piece of me with you. As long as you remember all the amazing times we have shared and still continue to share... you'll never lose me." She whispered into my ear.
After awhile of crying against Abuela's shirt I finally calmed down. We still sat there silently holding one another and I never wanted to let go. When I finally pulled away I saw the stains from fallen tears on Abuela's cheek.
"Te amo cariño." [I love you sweetie]She said smiling at me.
"Te amo tambien abuela." [I love you too Grandma] I replied.
"Enough of this sadness. You know I don't do well with sorrow. Besides, I believe it's time for me to get to the hospital and speak with Dr. Rogers... you call your friend and enjoy yourself today." She said standing up and grabbing my plate from the kitchen table.
"Okay, call me when you're done there. I will be home later and maybe we can spend some time together and watch lifetime." I told her smiling. She nodded and I stood up walking towards the stairs. I went back up to my room and sat on my bed. My mind just wouldn't wrap around the situation. She acted like she might die today and she didn't care one bit. I just didn't understand. I pulled out my phone and saw a few unread texts.
From My Love: It was a sexy dream indeed. Nothing compared to the real thing ;] You look gorgeous baby. I miss you and I miss your sweet lady kisses. xoxo -B
From Quinn: Hey what time did you want to get together today? -Q
To My Love: I'm glad I could visit you in your dreams last night but I really wish you were here to hold me. I know I made you leave but everything just sucks. I miss you more and can't stand going without your kisses! xoxo -S
I decided to call Quinn instead of replying to her text because it was just easier to make plans that way. It only rang twice before she picked up.
"Hey Santana." She answered.
"Hey. What're you up to?" I asked.
"Just watching TV at home. Did you want to get lunch now?" She asked as if reading my mind. I was thankful that she was in town and for the fact that Brittany had brought new friends into my life. I could use the support with everything going on and not having Brittany here to distract me.
"Yeah, let's meet at Lima Bean." I told her. She agreed to meet me at the coffee shop in twenty minutes so I made my way downstairs. Abuela had already left for her appointment so the house was eerily quiet. I went out to my car and headed to the Lima Bean.
When I got to the coffee shop Quinn was already sitting inside at a table near the door. I smiled as she stood up to greet me. She reached in for a hug and I returned the gesture even though I wasn't really a hug kind of person. Normally, I would push someone off me but I didn't have the emotional strength to care. Maybe, I actually enjoyed the hug but you wouldn't catch me admitting that I needed a hug from a friend.
"Thanks for hanging out with me." She said as we sat down at our table. I smiled and nodded in response.
"You're actually doing me a favor by getting me out of the house and distracting me from everything that's going on." I admitted.
"Well, glad I could help." She replied simply. The waiter came and took our orders and then we sat in silence for a minute or so. Neither of us really knew the other so I guess we didn't know what to talk about.
"How's everything going with Brittany and you?" Quinn asked. I was sure she knew because she talks to Brittany like every damn day.
"It's going great, except I miss her like crazy." I admitted. She smiled at me, it was like one of those crooked awe smiles when you think someone or something is adorable and you can't help but just smile at it. It was actually contagious and I couldn't stop my lips from curling into a small smirk.
"What?" I asked wondering why she was so smiley.
"It's just cute, Britt said the same thing when we talked earlier today." She looked down at her food and I couldn't help but smile at the thought of Brittany as I imagined what she'd be doing right now. She's probably having a little lunch to tide her over until after Luminosity rehearsal. I didn't want to admit but I actually missed having rehearsal and performances. I missed having a routine each day and having steady constant money. I missed singing and dancing with Brittany and having the crowd cheer us on.
"Yeah. We were texting a bit earlier. I haven't talked to her since last night. I was having breakfast with my Abuela. That's why I'm only eating a muffin and having coffee. Ha... I couldn't resist her cooking. Plus she kinda started before I even woke up knowing I'd be hungry. How are you and Barbra Streisands freakishly short circus twin doing?" I said. I had to get one in about Berry because I'd been too distracted to the other day when she cornered me in the grocery store. I was embarrassed when Brittany had told me about hearing of the encounter. I knew I looked horrible and I didn't care at the time but I didn't expect to see her there.
"I wouldn't expect anyone to turn down a home cooked breakfast. Uh, I've just been kind of harassing Brittany a bit since she went back to Sandusky. Truth is I've been worried about you both because I know the situation you're in is hard. I just want to say I'm really sorry to hear about your Abuela and I have been and will continue to pray for her to beat this. I've also been praying for you Santana." Quinn said with a soft expression.
"Thanks Quinn." I said smiling at her. She shrugged and took another bite of her food as if she hadn't just said something really heartfelt that made me realize why people had friends in the first place. It was moments like these that reminded me how much I missed out on by keeping people away all these years.
"Oh by the way, Racheland I are doing wonderful. It's hard to be secretive about this but it's only for a month or so." Quinn admitted. I understood how she felt because I was sick of keeping my relationship with Brittany a secret. My family didn't even truly know me and it was eating at me. They deserved to know about Brittany and me. She is a big part of my life now and she is the thing that makes me happiest so I want to share that with them but it's so scary. Also, I just feel like right now is a horrible time with everything going on.
"Yeah, I've been wanting to tell my parents but, I just feel like with everything going on it's not worth putting added stress on them. I mean in case they take it badly and don't accept it. I really hope they do. But being gay isn't exactly encouraged in our culture. In fact, it's highly frowned upon. I've read a lot of stories online about latino's being disowned by their families over it." I told her, letting out my fears before I even realized what I was saying. The only person I'd really talked to about this was Brittany and I just spilled all over Quinn. I mean I guess this is probably why she asked me to lunch so I could talk about stuff, because that's what friends do... isn't it? I wasn't sure because I'd never had real friends in my life. I mean before Cedar Point. Now I have Brittany and since I've been around her I've made several friends. Even ones that I wasn't exactly nice to before I met Brittany. I had Puck, Sam, Brittany, Quinn, Rachel, Mercedes. That's like six times as many as I had before.
"Well, no matter what just know your parents love you. It would be a shame to believe that something as easy and natural as falling in love is wrong just because it's someone of the same sex. I mean I just hope your parents are supportive. And if they aren't you'll always have us." Quinn said smiling towards the end of her statement.
"Thanks Quinn. I feel like kraft in this bitch cause you're puttin' out all that cheese." I joked and she chuckled softly.
"So what're your plans for the rest of the day?" She asked curiously.
"Well, I was going to go home and spend some time with Abuela after her appoinment." I told her.
"Maybe, wanna go to the movies later? I want to see Hotel Transylvania." She told me. I smiled and shook my head.
"I told Abuela we should watch Lifetome Movie Network. You can totally come over and join if you're into the she woman man hater movies. My grandma would totally love you." I told her. She smiled wider and nodded.
"Would it be okay if I brought Rachel with me. I mean we won't act all couply or anything. She's been worried about you too and I think she'd feel better if she got to see you in a different light... than last time." She asked with a knowing look. I felt the blood creep to my cheeks in embarrassment.
"Yeah, that would be fine I guess." I told her. It's not that I didn't like Rachel. She seemed like a really nice girl when she wants to be but I just find it so easy to make fun of her. It's like a love hate relationship between us. We kinda treat each other like sisters in my opinion, but I wouldn't know what that was like because I don't have any siblings. My mom had complications when I was born and couldn't have any more children. God was basically like, you'll never make anything more perfect so ya' done.
"Awesome thanks. She'll be so excited." She said pulling her phone out and going to text mode. I pulled my phone out and saw I had three texts from Brittany. I looked out the window and saw clouds rolling by in a dark thunderstorm. It's been raining a lot the past few weeks and it seems to go perfectly with the tone of my life at the moment.
"Tell her she isn't allowed to talk about musicals, broadway, Barbra Streisand, or being vegan. Also, that I hold the right to add things to my list of forbidden topics. If she doesn't like this well she might be uninvited." I told her smirking and my genius idea. Quinn laughed hysterically as she typed.
"I am probably going to be able to beat Rachel at Barbra trivia soon. I wonder if she'll ever run out of facts about her. I sometimes just stop her from talking when she brings it up by just kissing her. That usually leads to more." She admits trailing off towards the end. I laughed and rolled my eyes.
"Ew, I don't want to picture that. I think I was scarred enough at Puck's party." I told her and she giggled.
"That was a hot night." She admitted and I was even more grossed out. I threw my balled up napkin at her and she blocked it before it fell to the ground.
"Alright, do you want to go back to my Grandma's?" I asked ignoring her last statement. She smiled and nodded before we both go up and went towards the door.
Hope you liked the Quinntana.
I love Abuela in this, she's just so amazing.
Next chapter... fluff mostly. Then come the hard parts.
Don't forget to type a little something down in that box ;] love y'all