Disclaimer: I do not own The 100
Chapter 37
It had been a whole hour now. Clarke checked her phone. No text from Lexa. She decided to simply go and check on her. Maybe she was almost done walking through the whole thing.
There was no one else in the gallery today. She usually kept it shut on Mondays. So she knew she would find Lexa easily, wherever she was on the floor.
Right enough Clarke found Lexa in the last section. She was seated on the floor, her legs crossed, and her face in her hands. She seemed to be concentrating on her breathing.
"Lexa! Are you okay?" Clarke said and rushed to her, kneeling down before her and reaching out to her.
Lexa immediately looked up, her features looked worried, her eyes moist, but there was no sign of tears or struggles breathing. She had just been taking deep breaths.
"Why were you breathing so heavily?" Clarke asked.
Lexa just nodded. She didn't say a word.
"Lexa, if you're not okay, I can drive you back home…"
"I'm fine here. Don't worry." Lexa assured.
Clarke wasn't convinced, but she let it go. She then didn't know if she should stay or go, leave Lexa to what she was doing earlier.
"You can sit" came Lexa's voice, easily picking up on Clarke's confusion.
Clarke sat down before her, both of them now sitting cross legged facing each other
"Your paintings are extraordinary…as always"
"Thank you, Lexa"
"I saw some from when we moved in together…"
"Yea… I had to put them up…"
"Yea, they're beautiful… even the one that…"
"I know…" Clarke said and chuckled.
She knew which one Lexa was talking about. It was the one she liked to say was partially Lexa's work of art too. Why? Cause Lexa helped her draw all the wrong strokes on the canvas while she nibbled and kissed along Clarke's ears and neck one evening while she was painting and challenged her to keep painting while she was at it.
They remained silent then.
"What was the nightmare you saw last night?" Lexa asked, out of the blue.
"It's nothing, I've been having nightmares for a while now, I've gotten used to them… Raven…"
"I know about them. Raven told me one night" Lexa said.
"Oh"
"What was last night's one about?" Lexa asked again.
"It's silly"
"Please tell me" said Lexa.
"When you told me yesterday that you wanted to come see the gallery, I was really happy internally. Then Raven planted this thought in my head that maybe you were coming here to see Luna."
Lexa looked up at Clarke with a raised eyebrow.
That must have stayed at the back of my mind cause the next thing I know, I'm having this nightmare where you enter my gallery and walk up to Luna and kiss her the way you used to kiss me and I'm screaming and crying for you"
Clarke finished and looked up at Lexa. They sat staring at each other for a whole minute before Lexa broke into laughter. Clarke chuckled.
"Okay…" Lexa said.
"I know it's so not my place, after everything. But it's always going to be hard for me to think of you with someone else. And I know I'm the last person to be saying all this, given that I'm the one who cheated and I started this whole thing between us… I'm literally the cause of our downfall and I really just don't want to…"
"There were pills, in your bathroom cabinet… in tiny yellow boxes… what are those for?" Lexa asked.
Clarke's eyes widened at that.
"Please be honest with me Clarke…"
After I gave birth to Aden, I suffered from post-partum depression. And while that, they say would be cured with some treatments and eventual boding with Aden, my postpartum depression coupled with the sadness of having him and not having you, that kind of led me to dark places…"
"Clarke…"
"No… see this is why I didn't want to tell you all of this so soon. I'm the one who did wrong here and the last thing I want is for you to look at me like that, like you understand. Because what I did is unforgivable, and I don't want to use these instances and issues of mine to try and gain forgiveness. It just feels wrong.
Lexa nodded. She understood what Clarke meant. Clarke didn't want to seem like she was telling a sob story just to earn Lexa's forgiveness.
"The pills are anti-depressants. My counsellor prescribed them to me and I was on them for a long time, but I decided to stop. I realized they were just not what I needed, and I wanted to get off them. And you came back around the same time that I was finally, completely off them."
"You've been seeing a counsellor." Lexa said, more to herself than anything.
"Yes. Mom made me do it. She insisted that I needed help. I had made all the wrong decisions, I had messed up my own life so bad, I'd hurt the one person I've always loved the most. And I'm glad mom made me do it. I still see her once a week."
Lexa nodded and they were silent again.
"I had to see a counsellor too" Lexa said, staring at the floor.
"I'm sorry" said Clarke.
"No, it's fine. I came out of it. The depression. The suicidal thoughts. I brought myself out of it."
Clarke had always thought about it. God forbid if Lexa's anxiety ever got the best of her, if she ever did anything to herself, Clarke knew she would take away her own life. Hearing Lexa say the words 'Suicidal thoughts', was enough to make Clarke feel like taking her own life even now. She'd done her wrong. And Lexa suffered for it.
"I'm sorry, Lex… I was a fool…"
"Shhh…Clarke… That's not why I started this conversation… you've apologized to me multiple times already…"
Clarke sat there tears in her eyes, her body shivering, her arms wrapped around herself.
"I actually wanted to talk to you… about what I've decided…?"
"Oh" Clarke's heart began to race. This was it. Lexa was about to tell her where they stand. Their future or a lack thereof lied in whatever Lexa had to say right now.
Clarke took a deep breath and looked at Lexa. She looked troubled, almost like this was difficult for her to do. Maybe it really was. Maybe she was going to say she doesn't want anything to do with Clarke, and Clarke could imagine how that can be difficult when you're telling it to the childhood sweetheart you thought you'd love forever and for always.
"Clarke, I want you to understand I had to make this decision with my head and not my heart"
Clarke nodded.
"I had to think of what's best for Madi, what's best for Aden, and then what's best for ultimately you and me"
The tears had already started to fall. Clarke wiped quickly at them. She needed to be strong. She caused this. She's the reason behind this.
"I need to leave."
Clarke shut her eyes. Tight. It was happening. No one ever trains you for these things. To listen to the one person you love say that they can't be around you anymore.
"I need time. And so do you." Lexa said.
Clarke opened her eyes. Realizing now that she didn't exactly say she'll be gone forever. That's when she saw Lexa's tears rolling down her cheeks. Lexa reached her hand out and Clarke held her hand.
"I want to be with you. Someday. Again. I just need time. All of this, all of what we've done and said to each other in this last month, I just need to process it all, Clarke. You're seeing a counsellor, you need time too." said Lexa.
"Time. I can give you time. I can give us time. Of course" Clarke said, smoothly tracing her thumb over the skin of Lexa's hand.
"I can't say yet how long though…" Lexa said
"I'll wait. Lexa I'll wait. However long it takes for you to be ready. I promise you, I won't mess this up. I have everything to lose here and I'm not taking any chances. I'll wait for you"
Lexa nodded.
"What about Aden and Madi?" Clarke asked.
"We'll move out for a bit. But we're still in the city. Maybe Aden can come over for a play date sometimes"
"And Madi's ever welcome home too."
Lexa nodded.
"When do you leave?"
"Day after tomorrow" Lexa said.
Clarke nodded. "Okay"
"Okay"
"Can I show you something?" Clarke said, wiping the tears off her face.
Lexa nodded.
Clarke stood up and held out her hand. Lexa took it.
AN: There's going to be a time jump now and happy times ahead. :)