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Sniff, sniff, sniff…penultimate chapter.
By the Baring of my Soul
~ Chapter Thirty-Six ~
"Do not interrupt them." I quietly cautioned the girl I was prepared to risk everything for. "I know how you feel. I know what you want to do. But ranting at them isn't going to help you get your way."
Standing to the side of the gym doors with Rose, we were deliberately out of the way of the guardians flocking in for the meeting that would decide the fate of the thirteen, but that didn't stop a few from raising their eyebrows as Rose took offence to my warning and hissed loudly.
"Ranting?!"
Chocking back a laugh at the disgruntled look on her face, my head lowered. "I see it. That fire's in you again – you want to tear somebody apart. It's what made you so deadly in the fight. But we're not fighting right now. The guardians have all the information. They'll make the right choice. You just have to be patient."
Throwing me a sour look, two things were clear about Rose: one, she wasn't prepared to even try and act like she could be patient, and two, she didn't believe that the right choice would be made at this meeting – only the safe on. It was an opinion that I couldn't argue against, because I shared it. Alberta wouldn't sell this as a cut and dried rescue operation; she would be brutally honest about our chances of success, and would let the vote decide our next course of action.
For the most part, the guardians I had spoken to since leaving housing an hour before had all been more than willing to take part – they had seemed almost eager to exact revenge in the caves they had only now learnt about.
"Oh, great" Rose gripped sarcastically. "So I'm just meant to sit quietly whilst we wait for the guardians to volunteer...do I get to vote? What about the other seniors here? Do they get a say? We were out there too, Dimitri! That should count for something."
Hearing in her voice the rebellious petulance that she was infamously known for, I slide a warning glance in her direction. She already knew that she and the seniors had only been invited as part of the plans going forward, and that neither she, nor them, would be involved in any rescue, but the frustration of time ticking by whilst doing nothing was wearing on her temper.
"Rose, you know that's not why you or the other seniors are here. We all know what you and the others did, and none of us could be prouder, but this is a different situation. It's more delicate and has to be done right – trust Alberta to handle this the right way. Remember that it's not just her life on the line if we have a majority vote...it's also her career, so calm down please."
Seeming to only now remember that Alberta was risking everything by going against the council, Rose quietened down, but like the look her mother had given me earlier, I sincerely doubted that this was the last I would hear of this.
Spying someone around my shoulder, her eyes widened for a moment before a calculating look replaced her irritation. Not trusting that look, I glanced over my shoulder and saw her mother walking towards us with Alberta. They were deep in a whispered discussion that seemed to occupy their attention and hadn't seen us yet. Looking sharply at Rose, she gave me an almost guilty look before taking a quick step away from me and in their direction.
Realising only when she was too far away to do something about it that she was going to talk to her mother about the senior's involvement, my teeth ground together and my fingers clenched with the urge to haul her back to me.
Swearing viciously beneath my breath for not reacting fast enough when I should have expected this from her, there was nothing I could do about it now. I might have felt that she deserved to be there, but that didn't mean that I actually wanted her there.
Nodding as some of the senior novices: Shane, Dean, Meredith, Ryan and the West twins, they greeted me at the door before going in to sit on the steadily filling bleachers. It was odd not seeing Eddie with them. Had the situation been different, he, along with Rose, would have the first to volunteer, but it wasn't, and now he was just one of those who we would vote to save.
"Belikov."
Turning towards Alberta's call, she gave me a look that said I had absolutely no control over my student – and she was right. Watching her with Janine now, Rose was animatedly gesturing to her mother, but Janine didn't seem any more sold on what she was saying than I had. Catching snatches of the conversation as it floated in on the breeze, Alberta and I listened..."it's not going to be a 'we' thing. You aren't going...Why? Because our numbers were so badass the first time that no guardians died..."
Watching as Janine recoiled from the reminder, Rose wasn't about to take the hint and stop there..."You know I can help. You know what I did. I'm a week away from my birthday and only a few months away from graduation..." Straining to hear the rest, it was blown away by a gust of wind, but whatever it was; it seemed to send Janine off in a hurry.
"Dammit," I ground out, equal parts concerned and irritated that Rose had actually convinced her mother that having the senior novices in the caves was a good idea.
"Sometimes I forget about the tenacity of that girl." Alberta commented testily, echoing how I felt. Pausing almost deliberately for a moment, she added before walking into the gym. "You'd better hope that you never do."
Only beginning to now fully understand the lengths that Rose would go to in order to rescue the others, to rescue Eddie, my underestimation of her was interrupted by the arrival of someone whose feelings for another I had also underestimated. Approaching slowly, Emil had obviously showered and changed his blood-soaked clothing, but he looked no better than when I had left him in the church.
There was a new grimness to him now, a determination that had been there before, and it seemed to be the only thing holding him together. Not seeming to notice or not caring at all that he was being watched almost warily by the others arriving for the meeting, my show of support as I walked up to him was as much for him as it was for the rest of them.
"Emil…I'm sorry."
Grimacing at my helpless apology, Emil shook his head. "Don't be, Dimitri. You weren't responsible for any of it." Sagging a little, he closed his eyes. Bracing him with an arm around his shoulder, Rose walked over with a frown. Shaking my head at the question I could see lurking in the rich depths of her eyes, she nodded once before disappearing into the gym.
"If we go, are you sure you're up to this?"
Seeming to gather himself at my quiet question, Emil nodded. "At the moment, Dimitri, this is the only thing I'm sure about." Trying to grin with his usual cockiness, the effort failed badly, but it was the first sign of positive progress I had seen from him since Maia had been killed. Patting his shoulder in silent support, we joined the rest of the throng gathering in the gym and headed for the bleachers.
Finding Rose on a bottom row, Ryan was on her right, so I sat at her left. Throwing a warning glance towards her as Alberta called everyone to order, Rose rolled her eyes teasingly, but as Alberta began her briefing, all signs of playfulness disappeared and was replaced with the same impatient tension that had strung her nerves so tightly before.
She wasn't the only one who was strung tightly.
"All right. This is what we know so far." Outlining the general information about the caves and survivors within, Alberta very carefully worded her proposal for the rescue without ever actually naming the source of the information. She knew as well as Rose and I did that if too many questions were asked, the credibility of the information would be questioned even more than it already was.
Low murmurs rustled amongst the guardians as they discussed Alberta's proposal. Most didn't seem against it, but there was a lot of scepticism. Going over the internal structure and chambers of the cave, more than a few of the guardians left their seats to gather around Alberta as she explained in more detail, whilst others sat and clustered together on the bleachers to argue quietly amongst themselves.
Watching as Rose jogged her crossed legs up and down, Ryan was trying to catch her attention on the other side, but she was too wound up to notice him and so he gave up trying and turned to the West twins. About to place a hand on her thigh to calm her down, the doors of the gym swung open before I could move and Janine walked in.
Looking at her mother now instead of the others, the expression on her face was almost pleading, and one that Janine seemed to understand as she passed by her and nodded once before taking up a seat beside Gregor.
Watching as the tension of frustration within Rose was replaced with tension of another kind, I knew what that look meant: if the vote was passed, Janine would ask that the novices be allowed to go with. Resting forward with my elbows on my thighs, my hands rubbed slowly together as I tried to calm myself and reason around what it would mean if this actually happened.
Janine might petition for them, but there would be no possible way that they would be allowed into the caves; Alberta would never allow it. They would more than likely only be allowed to go with us to the entrance, but no further, and would act as secondary support for any Strigoi looking to escape and to aid with the safe return of whoever was still alive.
That was it, no more, so there was no reason at all for me to feel like this had been what Rhonda had warned me about, but as I looked to the girl on my right beneath the cover of my lashes, my mind whispered that ignoring her warning was a warning in itself.
Once the guardians asking questions were satisfied with the answers Alberta gave them, they returned to their seats before she addressed everyone. "The vote is simple. I will ask who amongst us is willing to be part of the rescue operation. If you are willing, please stand up and if the majority agree, we go. If you are not willing, please remain seated. This is not a secret ballot for obvious reasons, but for those of you who are not willing, please don't be concerned that you will somehow be ostracized."
Turning a hard eye on the seniors, Alberta's expression almost seemed to dare them to argue against what she was about to say. "To the senior novices that are here, your vote does not count, and is therefore not required, so please remain seated."
Grumbling beside me, it wasn't just Rose, who was irritated at their exclusion, but neither she, nor the others were prepared to test Alberta's patience right now, and so she began the vote without delay.
"Those of you in favour, please stand now."
Getting to my feet without hesitation, Emil stood at the same time, but we weren't the only ones who were willing to risk our lives. One by one, we were joined by Alan, Dustin, Stan, Celeste, Janine, Stephen, Gregor…not one of the guardians tied to St Vladimir's remained seated as they were joined by the guardians brought in as replacements.
Alberta – already standing – took a step forward to signify her vote, and couldn't seem to mask her surprise that so many had volunteered. Within a minute of asking the question, even the most reluctant of guardians had stood as the excitement began to build. Only the novices remained seated. Glancing down at Rose, our eyes met for a moment, in that brief moment of communication, we knew that we had just given those taken a lifeline they would never have hoped for.
"Well, then," Alberta concluded almost blankly. "That's settled. We'll plan the logistics and head out. We've still got about nine hours of daylight to go after them before they leave." About to turn away, Alberta was stopped by a sudden interruption.
"Wait."
All eyes turned to Janine as she stood, but her gaze was locked steadily on Alberta as she refused to flinch beneath the intense scrutiny and I braced myself for what was about to come. "I think there's one other thing we should consider," she suggest steadily, even whilst knowing that she was about to come under fire. "I think we should allow some of the senior novices to go."
Almost instantly bombarded by guardians raising their objections to the insanity of her idea, Rose's expression whilst watching her mother was fierce. Remaining calm, Janine explained her suggestion and argued against those who questioned her.
Catching Alberta's eye, she looked between mother and daughter and gave me a mildly sympathetic look that said it wasn't just one Hathaway I would have to be wary of in the future. After a few minutes of debating, Janine seemed to calm everyone down by reassuring them that the novices would be there purely as backup, and not in the caves themselves.
Relieved that Janine had sense enough to know that what she was suggesting had limitations, the mumbled agreement that rumbled throughout the gym seemed to agree, though no one committed themselves to actually voicing it. Waiting until the guardians had settled down, it was only as she said her next words that we all realised she had lulled us into a false calm.
"I think we should bring some Moroi with us."
Shocked silence filled the still air of the gym for a long moment before it was blown apart by an explosive outburst of yelling complaints and questions of her sanity. Most were restrained enough as they protested Moroi involvement to stay seated, but others weren't. Jumping up from her seat, Celeste glared at Janine incredulously. "What? Are you insane?"
"No," Janine answered coolly, hiding her irritation well at being questioned. "We all know what Rose and Christian Ozera did. One of our biggest problems with Strigoi is getting past their strength and speed to go in for the kill. If we bring fire-using Moroi, we have a distraction that will give us an edge. We can cut them down."
Outraged far more at this idea than when she had suggested the novices; solely because it was clear that unlike with the novices, Janine Moroi would be inside with us, the argument that sprang up was volatile and charged with heavy resentment. Taking far longer to calm everyone down, Janine's patient ability to rationalize what she said slowly swayed the less than willing guardians, but in the time it took, Rose became more and more restless.
"They're being idiots," she raged quietly, shifting restlessly again.
"No," I disagreed just as quietly, but there was no hiding the excitement building within it. "Watch. Change is happening before your eyes. People are going to remember this day as a turning point."
Rose and Christian's decision to work together against defeating the attacking Strigoi had started all of this, but that had only been a smaller stepping stone for a bigger change. A change that would affect our world in ways that none of us knew yet, but it was a change that once started, couldn't be stopped. It was almost ironic really that Victor Dashkov would never be able to see that what he had pushed so obsessively for was now about to happen.
"I've already spoken to a few of the fire-using Moroi, and they are more than willing to help us." Janine stressed when a few of the more stubborn guardians still continued to argue; cleverly reading and manipulating the emotional environment to get her point across. "They want to do this."
More grumbling followed by the guardians determined to still argue, but at this point, Janine had won most of them over. Agreeing reluctantly, the vote to take fire-using Moroi with was unanimously passed and Alberta once again brought the room to order.
"So then it's decided. The fire-wielding Moroi who have volunteered and the senior's will join us on the rescue operation." Checking the time, Alberta walked over to Gregor and after a muted conversation, she sighed a little. "We're going to wait for the guardians coming in from Court before we go, so that gives us a little over four hours to prepare. We'll all meet here again an hour before we leave to discuss the logistics of who will be the primary rescue party, and who will act as the secondary."
Nodding, she dismissed the group, but was almost instantly bombarded by guardians who still weren't completely convinced this was the right course of action. Janine and Gregor joined her as yet again a heated debate broke out. It was only a testament to the respect shown towards both Alberta and Janine that none of them questioned what the council had to say about this.
"Four hours? FOUR HOURS?!" Rose all but yelled as we stood and began to move away from the milling mass. Thankfully there was so much noise in the gym that no one seemed to hear, but I still herded her towards the door before her outrage was heard.
"More guardians are coming," I reminded her gently, but she wasn't in the mood to listen.
"In four hours, the Strigoi could have decided to have a snack!"
"We need an overwhelming show of force. We need every edge we can get. Yes, the Strigoi could kill a couple more before we get there. I don't want that, believe me. But if we go in unprepared, we could lose more lives than that."
Fuming, Rose crossed her arms and glared towards the throng of guardians. It was written clearly over every tense line of her body that she wanted to go, and she wanted to go now, but she also knew that I was right. We had to plan this carefully, or it really would turn into the suicide mission that most still thought it was.
Watching her become more tightly wound by the second, I suggested the only thing that would calm her down. "Come on. Let's take a walk."
Frowning, Rose looked away from the others. "Where?"
"It doesn't matter. We just need to get you calmed down, or you'll be in no shape to fight."
"Yeah," Rose challenged dangerously. "Are you afraid of my possibly insane dark side coming out?"
Hiding my smile, I bent slightly at the waist to close the distance between us. "No, I'm afraid of your normal Rose Hathaway side coming out, the one that isn't afraid to jump in without thinking when she believes something is right."
Arching a brow, Rose's expression was sardonic. "Is there a difference?"
"Yes. The second one scares me."
Tightening her lips, Rose looked like she wanted to retaliate for that comment, and for a moment, I actually thought she would, but she had more restraint, and asked instead whilst nodding towards the gathering guardians. "Won't they need you here?"
Glancing over, my head shook. "No. Most of what they're doing now is waiting for the others, and they have more than enough people right now to help plan the attack. Your mother's leading that."
"Okay," Rose nodded absently, watching her mother with something resembling reluctant pride. "Let's go."
Skirting the main campus and the constant reminders of what the Strigoi had cost us, we were largely silent as I deliberately pushed Rose further out to also avoid the infirmary. Lissa had decided that helping those seriously injured was more important than protecting her secret, and whilst it was admirable, I didn't want Rose anywhere near her when she was using Spirit.
We had no idea how it would affect her when being used for good, but I wasn't prepared to risk Rose to find out.
Passing through the patch of forest closest to where the newly repaired boundary fence lay, I knew that the wards had been restored, but none of us could figure out how they had been broken in the first place. Rose slowed down a little to look at the fence whilst frowning and shaking her head. Remembering suddenly what she had said in church about them possibly being weakened, I reached out to slow her down.
"You told me you had a theory about why the wards broke."
Frowning thoughtfully, Rose nodded. "Jesse's group was doing their initiation right here by the wards. You know how stakes can negate wards because the elements go against each other?" At my nod, Rose continued to explain. "I think it's the same thing. Their initiation rites used all the elements, and I think they negated the wards in the same way."
It made a certain amount of sense, but there was one glaringly obvious flaw. "Magic is used all the time on campus, though. In all elements. Why has this never happened before?"
"Because the magic isn't usually happening right on top of the wards. The wards are on the edges, so the two don't usually conflict. Also, I think it makes a difference in how the elements are being used. Magic is life, which is why it destroys Strigoi and why they can't cross it. The magic in stakes is used as a weapon. So was the magic in the torture session. When it's used in that sort of negative way, I think it cancels out good magic."
Smiling a little, I shook my head at the perfect logic of the perfectly illogical girl I loved as she single-handedly explained what none of us had been able to find the answer to. "Incredible. I never would have thought that was possible, but it makes sense. The principle really is the same as for the stakes. You've thought about this a lot."
Shrugging, Rose shivered in the icy breeze. "I don't know. It just sort of fell together in my head." Glaring at the fence again, her expression darkened and I knew she was thinking of the stupidity of the cult that had broken the wards. "Idiots," she muttered, shivering again.
Agreeing with her mutter, the chill of the air cutting through the thick jumper and jacket I wore was too cold to stay outside for much longer. "Let's go back inside." Looping around the boundary, and back towards the secondary campus, I should have taken us back the way we had come, but instead, the path I had set would take us past the cabin and the memories it held for both of us.
This probably wasn't the right time to do this…we had logistics to plan, we had to stay focused, but there was still so much between us that had been left unsaid, and I didn't want another day to pass without it being said.
"Rose, about what happened –"
"Arghhhhh! I knew it," Rose groaned unhappily, stopping abruptly and throwing her hands into the air. "I knew this was going to happen."
Confused by her outburst, I frowned when Rose glared at me, not expecting this. "That what was going to happen?"
"This," she stressed, waving towards the cabin she wouldn't actually look at. "The part where you give me the huge lecture about how what we did was wrong, and how we shouldn't have done it, and how it's never going to happen again." Looking slightly queasy by the words she had just said, Rose tried to calm herself, but her breathing was very erratic and her cheekbones flushed with colour.
Taking a step towards her, my head shook as my mind spun in shock. "Why would you think that?"
"Because that's how you are," Rose almost wailed, rattling off faster and faster as she became more agitated. "You always want to do the right thing. And when you do the wrong thing, you then have to fix it and do the right thing. And I know you're going to say that what we did shouldn't have happened, and that you wish –"
Surging forward, I cut off the hysteria of her words with the hard pressure of my mouth. Backing her into a fir tree, my arms curled around her back and head to protect her against the rough bark. Caging her against it, my hips thrust against her soft thighs as they instinctively parted and cradled me. Kissing her until I could feel the panicked energy leach from her body, Rose was limp in my arms; clinging to my mouth and moaning softly.
Gently sucking on her lower lip to end our kiss, my lips pressed gently over her nose, between her eyes and settled on her forehead whilst we both fought for breath. "I don't think what we did was wrong. I'm glad we did it. If we could go back in time, I'd do it again."
"Really?" Rose murmured, sounding so breathless that I smiled against her skin. "What made you change your mind?"
Almost losing you more times than I care to remember, my mind whispered. Pulling away slightly, I placed my fingers beneath her chin and tipped her face upwards. "Because you're hard to resist," I teased, enjoying myself more than I should have as I watched her try to focus her thoughts. "And…do you remember what Rhonda said?"
Startled out of her bemusement by that name, Rose frowned and tried to remember. "Something about how you're going to lose something…" Trailing off, she shook her head and shrugged.
Tucking hair behind her ear, my expression softened. "'You will lose what you value most, so treasure it while you can'"
Smiling joyfully for a second as she realised what that meant: that she was what I valued the most, the joy didn't last for very long as it turned to horrified dismay. "Wait. You think I'm going to die? That's why you slept with me?!"
"No, no, of course not," I rushed to reassure her before she could jump to any more conclusions. "I did what I did because…believe me, it wasn't because of that. Regardless of the specifics – or if it's even true – she was right about how easily things can change. We try to do what's right, or rather, what others say is right. But sometimes, when that goes against who we are…you have to choose."
Hugging her closer for a second, my chin rested on the top of her head. "Even before the Strigoi attack, as I watched all the problems you were struggling with, I realised how much you meant to me. It changed everything. I was worried about you – so, so worried. You have no idea. And it became useless to try to act like I could ever put any Moroi life above yours."
Feeling her stiffen slightly in my arms at my confession, I separated us slightly, wanting to see her face…her eyes as I told her the next part. "It's not going to happen, no matter how wrong others say it is. And so I decided that's something I have to deal with. Once I made the decision…there was nothing to hold us back."
"Well, hold me back." Grinning slightly, my fingers rubbed at the hair wrapped around a finger. "I'm speaking for myself. I don't mean to act like I know exactly why you did it."
Rubbing her palms up and down my chest, Rose looked at me with obvious exasperation. "I did it because I love you."
Capturing her hands, my lips pressed to each of her palms, laughing against them as I pulled her into my arms and away from the tree, walking slowly back to campus. "You can sum up in one sentence what it takes me a whole speech to get out."
"Because it's that simple," Rose stated, snuggling into my arms for a moment before I separated us gently, but kept a hold of her through the interlinking of our fingers. "I love you, and I don't want to keep pretending like I don't."
"I don't either. I don't want any more lies."
"Then what'll happen now? With us, I mean. Once all of this is done…with the Strigoi…"
"Well, as much as I hate to reinforce your fears, you were right about one thing. We can't be together again – for the rest of the school year, that is. We're going to have to keep our distance."
The words had to be said – it wasn't safe for anything else to be said, but they left a bad taste in my mouth, and were almost as hard to force out as they would be to enforce in the future. Glancing down at Rose, she looked no happier than I was, but she knew that we didn't have any choice in this. Not whilst she was still a student.
Squeezing my hand gently in understanding, Rose sighed quietly and rested her head against my arm as we walked. Almost reluctant to verbalise this next part, it was because I knew she wasn't going to be as understanding. "After you graduate and are out with Lissa…"
Pausing for a long moment, the hand grasping mine was no longer gentle as Rose realised what I had deliberately left unsaid. Clutching at it tightly now, she looked up with alarm. "You're going to ask to be reassigned, aren't you? You won't be her guardian."
"It's the only way we can be together."
"But we won't actually be together," Rose griped, tugging a little at my hand.
"Us staying with her gives us the same problem," I reminded her gently, squeezing back. "Me worrying more about you than her. She needs two guardians perfectly dedicated to her. If I can get assigned somewhere at Court, we'll be near each other all the time. And in a secure place like that, there's more flexibility with a guardian's schedule."
About to argue, Rose sighed noisily, but surprisingly kept quiet. It wasn't an ideal situation; we couldn't ever have one that was, but this was the best we could have. It was the only way that we could still honour our duty to the Moroi without having to sacrifice everything for them. Resting against me again, Rose nodded before quietly complying.
"Well, we might actually see more of each other if we're guarding different people. We can get time off together. If we were both with Lissa, we'd be swapping shifts and always be apart."
Leaning down to kiss the top of her head, I sighed in relief against it. I hadn't realised until now how worried I had been about what Rose would think of me for asking to be reassigned. I had known she wouldn't be happy, but I hadn't expected such ready acceptance. She knew this was the only way, despite the problems it would cause, but I could live with that, as long as living with it meant never disappointing her.
Staying as close to each other as we could, for as long as we could, the sight of buildings in the distance was a reality check that neither of us wanted.
"You'll be eighteen soon, but even so…" Pulling Rose gently to a stop, my finger sunk into the thick, warm mass of her hair as she wrapped her arms around my waist. "When this comes out, a lot of people aren't going to be happy."
"Yeah, well, they can deal." Rose replied with her typical, flippant disdain for authority.
"I also have a feeling your mother's going to have a very ugly conversation with me." Actually ugly was probably too tame a word for what Janine Hathaway would say to me.
Rising to the tips of her toes, Rose kissed the point of my chin whilst grinning. "You're about to face down Strigoi, and my mother's the one you're scared of?"
Grinning in answer, my lips brushed over the tip of her nose. "She's a force to be reckoned with. Where do you think you got it from?"
Chuckling throatily, Rose nipped playfully at my bottom lip as my arm slid down her back and hooked tightly around her waist. "It's a wonder you bother with me then."
"You're worth it, believe me" I murmured huskily against her lips, slipping my tongue between them as they eagerly parted. Lifting her easily against my chest, Rose tunnelled her fingers into my loose hair, and sucked hungrily on my tongue. Crushing her tightly in my arms, our kiss caught fire and sizzled through my veins; burning away all the reasons that I shouldn't have her in my arms.
Groaning roughly minutes later, I lowered Rose slowly to the floor as we once again tried to control the rough rhythm of our breathing. Breathing deeply of the sweet, clean smell of her, my fingers traced over the delicate features of her face as she rubbed her cheek against the stubble of mine. Kissing her gently, lingeringly one last time, we separated and left the shadowed safety of the forest.
Walking out into the bright sunshine with her at my side, I knew that whatever lay ahead, we would always get through it…as long as we were together.