Oct. 23, 1977
The Head Students' office wasn't designed for guests. While Lily had succeeded in cramming all of her friends inside every week, it was furnished to seat two and was barely larger than a broom cupboard. Currently, it contained twelve students.
Standing in a half circle around the desk were the ten students who made up the Hufflepuff third-years. According to the petition they'd left in the drop box, a year-wide feud had broken out amongst them and all efforts to return things to rights had failed. The group could easily be broken into two categories: those who wanted peace restored to their dormitories and those who'd dug their feet into the sand and were ready for war. The latter could be identified by their crossed arms and petulant expressions.
Packed like sardines, Lily and James sat on the opposite side of the desk. Thighs melded together. Lily had been a third of the way through her Herbology assignment when James had found her in the library and told her about the need for the Head Students to act as impartial listeners. She'd wished James had possessed the presence of mind to tell her sooner, but she hadn't berated him for it. The chance to fill James in on McGonagall's Quidditch obsession (which he was sure to love), hadn't yet presented itself, and Lily figured that she'd have the chance once they'd finished up with this last bit of business.
Lily wanted to open the proceedings, but per the bet, it was still James' show. Emulating Dumbledore, James steepled his fingers and adopted an expression that was meant to look enigmatic but in Lily's opinion made it look like James was staring into the sun, eyes squinted against its blinding rays.
"Friendship," James proclaimed gravely, "is the backbone of our society. We are nothing without a friend with whom we can share our experiences. Like all valuable things, great friendships must be earned. They must be nurtured or they will wither away and die, like the most temperamental but beautiful of flowers. The first question you must ask yourself today is whether you have nurtured your friendships lately. Do you understand?"
A round of head bobbing met his question. Lily rolled her eyes. These kids might be impressed, but she knew enough to recognize James was talking out of his arse. Internally, he was probably rolling with laughter at his own theatrics.
"This is a safe space. I want you all to be perfectly honest with your feelings. Show empathy towards the feelings of others. Only by freeing our souls of judgment, will we find the serenity to nurture and grown our friendships," James continued.
Lily was seconds away from excusing herself to find Professor Ames. This was the kind of hokey nonsense she lived for.
"Who would like to explain the cause of this conflict, this weed, which has invaded your garden of friendship?" James said serenely.
Lily's heart sank to her knees as one girl began to explain the source of the drama. Beside her, the grin slid off James' face. This was not the petty, adolescent nonsense they'd been expecting.
It all started when Lisa, a Slytherin, called Michael, one of the Hufflepuffs before them, a "mudblood in need of extermination." The nasty words had split the house right down the middle. All of them were quick to assure Lily that they didn't agree with Lisa and Michael was no such thing, but it wasn't so simple as that.
See Lisa happened to be good friends with Karen and John. They'd grown up together, and theirs was the type of friendship that survived puberty and continued into old age. While Karen and John condemned Lisa's words, they weren't about to abandon such a meaningful friendship.
"Loyalty means standing by someone in good times and bad," John told Lily earnestly.
Loyalty, as it turned out, was a tricky thing because Michael reckoned his housemates' easy forgiveness of Lisa constituted a betrayal. By rights, he was the wronged party, so he deserved the sympathy. Adam and Riya, fellow muggleborns, agreed and had raised support throughout the house.
To complicate matters, the remaining Hufflepuff, third-year muggleborn, Patricia, thought the others were overreacting. She wanted everything to go back to normal as quickly as possible. Those that sided with Karen and John were using Patricia to rally behind, even though Lily got the impression that Patricia was mostly just tired.
"How can you expect them to just abandon a friend?" Joseph, a Lisa supporter, asked sharply. "Like Potter just said, we have to maintain our friendships."
James blanched visibly and held up his hands defensively, but Riya steamrolled right over him. "Well, how can you call yourselves our friends if you don't defend us?"
"We did defend him!" Karen cried. "We told Lisa to never say anything like that again!"
"Would you do anything if she did?" Michael challenged.
"Can't we just forget about this? Their friendship with Lisa has nothing to do with us," Patricia said, wrist pressed warily to her eyes.
Despite James' demands for a safe space, tempers quickly rose. The same arguments were repeated again, this time with raised voices. None of them could see the validity in the others' reasoning.
And each side did have a sympathetic point of view. Lily was uniquely situated as both a muggleborn and a friend of a Slytherin to see that. They were all so young. The war and the violence didn't seem real to them yet. But someday it would. Then, they wouldn't have the luxury of claiming neutrality. Neutral was the same as siding with the death eaters.
Lily started by addressing Patricia, cutting through the squabbling voices. They'd come to her for a resolution. Well, she'd give them one. "Patricia, you're tired. I understand. This isn't a fight that you signed up for, but Michael, Riya, and Adam didn't either. They didn't start this, and I think you know they're not the cause. Even if you all never said another word about it, the problem wouldn't go away."
Patricia bit her lip as tears welled at the corner of her eyes. "I'm not angry with them –" she glanced at her fellow muggleborns, "– but maybe if they just didn't argue back, Lisa and people like her would learn we're not dirty. We shouldn't give them a reason to hate us."
Quietly, James muttered, "Oh shit." He sounded every bit as heartbroken as Lily felt.
"That's now how it works," Lily said gently.
James swooped in before Patricia could argue. "My best mate comes from a family of people who hate muggles and muggleborns. You've probably heard about the Blacks, yeah? I'd kill for my friend. Die for him. Anything really, but if one day he started to spew that hateful filth, I'd be done with him. Just like that. See, the Blacks don't hate muggleborns because they talk back or they did something to deserve it. They learn to hate muggleborns from the time they're babies. Before they've even met one. Sirius made the choice to be different. We all have a choice, but once that choice is made, it's over."
"But maybe if we just –" Patricia began.
Once more, James cut her off. "Andromeda Black married a muggleborn. Ted's about the nicest bloke around. He's never done anything to make the Blacks hate him, and they still disowned Andromeda, their own daughter, for it. No member of her family will ever speak to her again. It's not based on you. None of you have ever done something to deserve this hate. If you were the kindest person alive, they'd still despise you."
Patricia promptly burst into tears. The group that defended remaining friends with Lisa looked distinctly uncomfortable at the loss of their only muggleborn support. Until she quieted down, Lily held Patricia's little hand in her own. Once she was done, Lily suggested Patricia step outside for a moment. The girl was too fragile to hear the rest.
Lily and James shared a dark look. Neither of them fancied the confrontation that would happen next. As much as Lily pitied these mixed up kids though, she'd had enough of the spreading blood supremacist fuckery. Muggleborn kids deserved to have childhoods. They weren't meant to be waging war.
"We forgive our friends when they make mistakes," Lily began, earning a relieved smile from John. "But, only when they repent and learn from them. Do you believe Lisa's learned that muggleborns are people deserving of respect or do you think she's just learned not to call your friends names so you won't be upset with her?"
John and Karen stared sullenly at the floor.
Lily turned to address the remaining muggleborns. "You three are so brave. What you've shown is enormous self-respect. You have the right to feel safe and cherished, and your friends should want to make you feel that way. I'll tell you right now, if one of the girls in my dormitory became friends with someone who called me a mudblood, I would never forgive her. Our friendship would be over just like that."
James cast an assessing look her way. She knew why. The image of Sev had flickered across her mind's eye as she spoke. She wouldn't forgive someone for befriending a pureblood supremacist, but she'd forgive the person who'd called her a mudblood himself. It made no sense, and Lily was in no position to provide James with the answers. She didn't know them herself.
"Your real friends will stand by you because that's loyalty," Lily finished.
"But we do believe those things. This is so unfair!" John cried.
"Fair?" James almost snarled the word. "What's unfair is that people are going to try to hurt these three for something they have no control over for the rest of their lives! That's what's unfair! The choice for you should be easy."
"But –"
"No buts!" James jumped to his feet, sending the desk, not exactly a flimsy piece of furniture, sliding a few centimeters with his vehemence. "When Lisa joins up with Voldemort will you be so forgiving? What about if next time she murders Michael? What then?"
"James!"
Lily understood, God she did, but the purpose of this wasn't to terrify these kids. The muggleborn Hufflepuffs shouldn't have to contemplate the possibility that they'd be murdered. As satisfying and true as his outburst had been, they couldn't lose their cool like that.
Holding his gaze, Lily waited until James regained his composure. Wearily, he sank back into his seat. All of his energy appeared to have been sapped away. She wanted to wrap him up in a blanket and promise everything would be okay until he believed her.
Tiredly and with a great deal more restraint, James continued, "No buts. You either believe in protecting your friends from bullies or you don't. There is no in between."
It was hard to say whether James' words broke through to any of them. Some of the students certainly looked appropriately ashamed, but there was still that hesitation, that stubborn glint in John's eyes that said he refused to really hear James' words. Children their age, barely teenagers, didn't yet understand how essential empathy was to survival. They struggled to see past the narrow confines of their own experiences and cares.
"We can't tell you what to do. That's not the point of this, but I can tell you, either way, you're going to disappoint a friend. The question is whether or not you care about doing the right thing," Lily said.
Bold words to direct at a group of Hufflepuffs. They weren't like the members of her own house who would prioritize the pursuit of the right thing over all else. But Lily was sick of the Hogwarts houses and all their rhetoric. She was tired of how the students dismissed other virtues and oriented themselves based on what a hat told them they should value when they were eleven years old. You were meant to grow past who you were when you were eleven. Hufflepuff, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Gryffindor. They all had a responsibility to uphold what was right. Their houses didn't change that.
Very quietly, Karen said, "I'm sorry, Michael."
Hope bloomed in Lily's chest.
John didn't make any move to follow suit. None of the other dissidents did, but that even one had learned something today gave Lily hope for these kids. The world would never be fair but there was some justice. Sometimes.
After all the students had left, Lily laid her head on the desk, not caring that there was an ink smudge on one of the papers beneath her cheek that would probably smear all over her face now. Comfortingly, James began to massage the side of her neck. Draining didn't begin to describe their first go at conflict resolution as Head students, but Lily was comforted by the fact that at least they had each other. In this they were partners. She didn't have to handle everything alone.
"We going to talk about you and Snape?" James asked a minute later.
His fingers were clumsy but were still managing to work out a knot in her shoulder. She didn't want him to stop. "No."
"Alright," James said easily.
He was lying, of course. He wanted to discuss it pretty desperately, but she appreciated that he wasn't going to push her. She wasn't ready for that.
"I bet I can make you feel so much better," James crooned into her ear, and his hand dipped lower just brushing against the buttons of her shirt.
"I bet I can elbow you in the kidney so hard you pass out," Lily said sweetly in return.
Laughing, James placed a quick kiss on the top of her head to let her know he'd just been kidding, which was good because her libido was nonexistent after the mess they'd just dealt with. Somewhere in the back of her head, Lily recognized that they weren't hooking up and yet they were still cuddling – the kind of thing couples did, not casual snogging partners.
"Is Sirius okay by the way?" Lily asked, sitting back up fully in her seat so that she could look at him.
James instantly became cagy. "Why do you ask?"
"Because I clearly upset him with my prank this morning, and he was right. It was a stupid idea. I should have put two and two together and realized that people would jump to the worst conclusions. It was meant to be fun though," Lily said.
"It was funny," James said firmly. "I still can't believe you got McGonagall to go for that. I'll deny it if you tell anyone, but you may have surpassed me."
There was a time that would have made Lily cheer. Just then, she only had the energy to smile a little sadly.
"Just, let Sirius know I didn't mean to upset him," Lily said.
"He knows that. He's not angry with you," James sighed. He considered her for a moment, and Lily could sense he was debating whether or not he should open up to her. While James was fairly forthright with her about his personal feelings, he was as secretive as an Unspeakable when it came to his closest friends. It would mean a lot if James decided to tell her anything about Sirius's feelings. Finally, he continued, "Sirius's family is really messed up. They disowned him too. Not just Andromeda, which you probably already figured as it's not exactly a secret he lives with me. Lately though, his mum's been trying to get him to contact her."
"Does he want to talk to her?" Lily asked, wary that just by interrupting James he might close down again.
James grimaced. "That's the thing, I'm not really sure. I thought I was, but then Regulus…well, maybe I just see what I want."
"I doubt that," Lily said.
No two friends were closer than James and Sirius. She didn't believe that James could misjudge something so important. James just shrugged. Whatever had occurred to make him doubt himself, it had affected him deeply.
"Anyways, Regulus spoke with Sirius the other day, and I guess the stuff he said…well, Sirius took some of it as a threat. He's worried someone in his family could do something drastic to bring him back into the fold. When he thought we'd all been attacked, he worried it was because of him," James said.
"God, that's awful," Lily replied.
Swallowing heavily, Lily processed what she'd just discovered. It was a terrible burden to bear, but then again, it wasn't so different to how Lily and Marlene felt. Were the group to be attacked, it was every bit as likely that it would be to retaliate against the two of them for daring to exist without fear.
"I shouldn't be telling you any of this," James said wearily. "It's none of my business."
As much as Lily wanted to hear more, she didn't push it. Long-term (and she couldn't begin to believe that she was strategizing for a long-term with James), it was essential that she make peace with Sirius. Understanding him better could only help with that. Lily's mother always said that in every person was a soul, and you could learn to love anyone if you gave them the opportunity to show their true selves. Given time, she could learn to love Sirius too. She would.
"Well, that got heavy," James said cheerfully, trying to lighten the mood. "And here I expected this all to be a laugh. Why don't you tell me how you pulled off this morning with McGonagall? That should be good for a chuckle at least."
Glad for the chance to change the subject, Lily quickly filled him in on the proceedings of that morning. She explained the prank first, not providing any explanation of what she'd found in McGonagall's room. Once they'd gone through the prank though, Lily circled back. In excruciating detail of what she'd found inside McGonagall's bedroom.
James looked ready to pass out from happiness. He had a million questions about what she'd seen on the walls – Did she have every autograph from the Falcon's 1969 team? How far back did her collection of Quidditch Weeklys extend? Were there any photographs of the Croatian seeker, notorious for his desire for privacy? Lily, of course, was the wrong person to ask any of this, but she did her best to guess and describe what she'd seen inside.
"Blimey," James sighed dreamily. "I always knew McGonagall was the best."
"Sounds like you need a tour," Lily said wryly.
"Merlin, do you think she'd show me?" James looked perfectly glazed behind his glasses, chin in his hands.
Would McGonagall show James her bedroom? Probably not.
Instead of pointing that out, Lily said instead, "It gave me an idea. Not a prank exactly, but it's a bit of mischief, so I think it should count anyway. And I want you to help me with it."
Wagging his finger teasingly, James said, "Now, now, Lily. The purpose of the bet is for you to accomplish these things on your own. You can't come begging me for help."
"You've never heard me beg."
The minutes the words were out of her mouth, far too husky to pass for her normal voice, Lily regretted it. Her mouth clamped shut and she blushed scarlet, undeniable evidence that her flirtation had been just that. As her words registered in James' brain, he swallowed heavily. Lily watched the bob of his throat, the way his adam's apple quivered.
"What I meant to say is just that I think we'll have fun if we do this together. It's kind of right up your alley," Lily squeaked out.
Recovering, it took James a moment to pull his mind out of the gutter to which she'd sent it and get him to return to the conversation, but when he did, he nodded. "Okay then, tell me."
"We start an underground betting ring, where people place bets on who they think will win the Quidditch matches each season – The national matches not the Hogwarts ones. Too many possibilities for cheating – and then we distribute the profits accordingly," Lily said.
"First of all, I'm in love with you," James said, lips twitching and Lily smiled in turn. "Second, are you sure you want to start something like that? Illegal gambling will be taken a lot more seriously than a dung bomb in the dungeons. You could get in serious trouble for that."
Lily frankly couldn't say she was positive about her plan at all. The prospect of being brought up before Dumbledore for such a serious rule violation filled her with dread. There was no way she would be able to maintain her Head Girl position if she was found out.
The appeal of the plan, however, was too strong, and it was sitting right beside her. Since she'd first had an inkling of the idea, she'd wanted nothing more than to share it with James. Quidditch was something he loved dearly, and she didn't mind that she existed separately from that. They both had their own interests as was healthy. She'd known the moment the idea occurred to her though that James would have so much fun with it, and, while fun wasn't something he was necessarily lacking in, she wanted to provide him with a little bit more.
"We could do, like, a bracket system. That way, we're only exposed when everyone submits their bets at the beginning of the season and at the end when we're paying out," Lily suggested.
James rubbed his jaw, considering. "The season ends over the summer, so that means we'd have to owl everyone their winnings, I guess."
"Or we could just steal them," Lily suggested in turn.
"Whoever said you were incorruptible never met me," James grinned.
It quickly became imperative to Lily that they change the subject because she was in serious danger of leaning forward and licking the grin right off his lips. She was fast becoming annoyed because it seemed like just about every conversation with James was veering into dangerous territory lately. She wanted to be able to speak to him openly, honestly, about whatever was on her mind, but there were too many rules and barriers still existing between them. In a lot of ways, there were more now that they were snogging. Resentment was starting to bubble up inside of her, made all the more toxic by the fact that she had no one to aim it at as it was hardly James' fault that she'd said she wasn't comfortable dating at the moment.
Stretching precariously backwards in his seat, James asked, "So we should do something fun again soon. That bar was a good time."
"Only Sunday and you're already planning for the next weekend," Lily laughed. "You know there are five other days in the work worthy of your attention."
"Hey, Evans, what're the strongest days of the week?" James asked. His lips spread over his teeth to make him look positively cunning. "Saturday and Sunday. I don't like the rest because they're weak-days."
Lily kicked him.
Not the brightest idea as he had leaned back on his chair so that only two of the legs were resting on the ground. Without the stability provided by the legs in the air, his chair began to topple backwards. Frantically, Lily reached out to try and steady him. James managed to throw one of his hands to the ground to stop the descent of the chair.
Lily began to laugh uproariously. His face in the moment when the surprise had first taken him, before his reflexes had kicked in to save himself, had been funnier than any joke he would ever manage to tell.
Stomach trembling from the laughter wracking through her, Lily was helpless to defend herself when James retaliated. Standing up, he grabbed the seat of her chair and tilted it backwards. Her weight settled against the very back of the chair and her legs lifted off the ground. If he released the seat, she'd be dropped, head colliding unpleasantly with the unforgiving ground.
"No! Please, ah, James put me back!" Lily pleaded, her voice gasping and breathless because she was still laughing even through her initial panic.
James played around with tilting her chair further back for a bit, smirking mischievously as if he might actually drop her. Lily wasn't scared though. Not after the initial shock. She knew the only way he'd allow her to hit the ground was if he lost his grip accidentally.
When he finally set her right, Lily felt rather dizzy. That they couldn't stop their mutual giggling for another five minutes didn't do much to return the blood to her head either.
Finally, after a number of pointed coughs, Lily felt composed enough to say, "Yeah, we should do something fun again."
"I was thinking maybe a movie. Sneak into a muggle town, catch a film. Sirius says they're still playing Star Wars in a couple of theaters. Did you catch that over the summer? We thought it was bloody brilliant," James rambled.
Lily nodded. "Yeah, it was pretty good."
"We could go see it again anyway. I'll buy you popcorn. Hold your hand during the trash compactor scene," James leered a bit. "There's a lot you can get up to in a dark theater."
Lily's mum would have had a field day with that line. She'd always warned Lily against going to the movie theater with boys for just that reason. Not that Mrs. Evans would approve of Lily and James' relationship in the first place. Lily grinned at him. Oh no, they were far past that.
"The six of us should be able to take the Knight Bus again, and if we choose a place close by, it should take us only a few minutes to arrive at a theater," James said.
The smile slid right off Lily's face. "The six of us?"
"Yeah."
Lily wished she could reign in her face before it gave away her feelings on that proposal. Typically, she was pretty skilled at masking how she felt. Lying to James was harder. Or maybe it was just that she was still light-headed from being dipped half-way upside down. That was more likely. Either way, she couldn't quite manage to hide that the prospect of another triple-date didn't delight her.
"What's wrong?" James asked, brow furrowing. "You don't want to go? Is it Dahlia? She's a nice girl. I didn't realize you had a problem with her."
"No, Dahlia's fine. Lovely," Lily said a little faintly.
"Then, what?"
She didn't want to tell him the truth. They were friends now, yes, but that only extended so far, and Lily knew he was going to think she was being ridiculous. Hell, Lily was already half-convinced of that herself. He wasn't going to care, and worse, he was going to patently disagree with her.
A part of her must have been desperate to share, however, because against her better judgment, Lily blurted out, "Well, Sirius isn't exactly kind to Marlene, is he?"
Regret was a funny thing. Lily realized that the regret threatening to choke her once the words were out of her mouth wasn't a result of wishing the words had never been aired between them. Rather, it was all about the result. If James had nodded along and agreed with her, Lily would have been perfectly satisfied with her impulsive decision to share her feelings. As it was, his response left much to be desired, and Lily wanted to kick herself for being such an idiot.
"You don't like Sirius," James said, a sigh on his lips. He said it like it was an inevitability, but no less an annoyance.
"I don't dislike Sirius," Lily said, even though she internally questioned whether or not such a claim was true. "He was fun Friday, honestly…but I don't like the way he talks to Marlene sometimes, like he takes her for granted. I mean, we're not even dating, and you're sweeter to me. He's her boyfriend. He should be gentle with her."
Lily had the distinct impression that James was tuning her out. The words were only gliding through his mind. He didn't want to hear her. Not really.
"Like this morning when he called her stupid," Lily said.
"That's just how Sirius talks," James grunted. He wasn't looking at her as he spoke. "He's called me a lot worse."
"But you're different. You know that he doesn't really mean it, or at least, what he really thinks of you besides that. Marlene's sensitive when it comes to what other people think of her. As her boyfriend, he should know that," Lily argued.
James was silent for a beat, and Lily really began to think he was considering her words. But then he turned to her with a tight smile and said, "So, we can just go the two of us. I'm not going to inflict Sirius on you."
"I'm not saying I can't stand to be around him. Maybe you could…" At James' raised eyebrows, Lily forced herself to finish her sentence. "Maybe you could talk to him. Let him know to be careful just with how he talks to her."
The fake smile he'd been sporting disappeared entirely. James couldn't even pretend after that. She'd overstepped. She'd known it was an overstep before she had started. Had known that the conversation was going to lead to this outcome from the beginning. It was in defense of a friend though, and Lily wasn't sure she could be truly faulted for that. If the tables were turned, James wouldn't hesitate to intervene to protect Sirius from Marlene. She hoped James could see that for himself, but loyalty could be blinding. They'd only just proven that.
"I'm not saying you should go and yell at him or anything," Lily said hurriedly. "He should want to do it. I mean, if he cares about Marlene, of course, he'd want to know if he was inadvertently hurting her, right? It would be like a favor. I'd do it myself. Only he doesn't much like me, and he'd probably just ignore me. He doesn't ignore you though…"
"Sirius is going to do what Sirius is going to do," James said wearily. Warily. "Just don't meddle, alright?"
Lily bit her lip and nodded. She'd never really thought he was going to help. Nothing would be gained by arguing.
Now if only something could be done for the coil of embarrassment in her gut.
"We can all go see a movie together sometime. It's fine. I was just being silly," Lily said. After all, talking wasn't allowed in movie theaters.
She gave him her most beatific smile. It was an apology. Lily was genuinely sorry for having brought it up, but she figured this was a much needed reminder of a lesson Sev had taught her a long time ago. Never ask them to choose. You won't like what they pick.
The tension remained for a few terrible seconds. Then, James mussed up his hair – the habit so familiar that it transformed into something comforting – and Lily felt her shoulders dip down and relax.
She kissed him, maybe still a little apologetic. It was nothing like their normal kisses. The heat wasn't there. Her desire, that ever present monster that had possessed her mind, body, and soul, didn't make an appearance. She was kind of thankful for it as her day was too busy to fit in a snog, even as she worried over what its absence indicated.
When James tapped his nose against hers, the move almost sticky-sweet, it went a long way towards making Lily feel better. She could live with James being irritated with her. In fact, she'd done it so many times before that she should be bored of the sensation of being disliked. Once she'd had a chance to reason through it a bit more, she was sure the panicky beat of her heart would quiet down altogether.
"Want to walk me back to the Tower?" Lily asked, no evidence of her worries in her voice.
Like a gentleman, James even carried her books for her.
They walked through the corridors, side by side, and that awareness of him she'd developed – the one that made her chest tighten when he stood behind her; a beacon whenever he entered a room – flew into overdrive.
That they were snogging was bound to become the worst kept secret in Hogwarts if they kept this behavior up. They were walking too closely together. The normal boundaries that people established to maintain their personal space were utterly abandoned. With every step, Lily could feel James' sleeve brush against her forearm.
Her hand flexed at the knowledge that his lay within such close reach. It would be the easiest thing in the world – physically at least – to just reach out and snag his, to take the final steps back to Gryffindor Tower with their hands wound together. If they were dating, she wouldn't have thought twice about it. Those were the kind of perks that an official relationship guaranteed.
Not that holding James' hand would be all that great. The bloke never stopped fidgeting, so his hands were probably soaked through at all times. Plus, he walked a beat faster than her, which was only to be expected with his freakishly long legs. Were they to start wandering about hand in hand, she'd probably be dragged along behind him like a rag doll, unable to keep up with his gargantuan strides. Really, she was better for the freedom.
Her hand remained tensed.
They were passing by the cupboard on the third floor when they heard a bevy of giggles and frantic shushing coming from behind the closed door. As prolific a snogging spot as Hogwarts had ever seen in its history, there was very little doubt what was taking place on the other side. Lily froze outside the door.
"Do you think we should do something?" Lily whispered.
James who hadn't realized Lily had stopped walking and had continued on obliviously, turned around to look at her. "Why?"
"Well, it's kind of our job," Lily said.
"But it's not past curfew."
"Inappropriate physical contact is forbidden during all hours."
"Are you going to write us up, then?" James retorted. His expression grew devious. "Or is it just that you want to take their place? We could always find our own little nook."
Lily shoved away his arm before he could start. He chuckled at her blatant refusal. All the same, Lily relented and they resumed their walk down the corridor. They were just about to round the corner when the occupants of the broom cupboard came stumbling out, and Lily couldn't resist her curiosity. Peeking back, she gasped at what she saw.
Dahlia and Michael Sterns were emerging from the cupboard together. As much as Lily would have liked to make excuses – They were caught up in a game of hide and seek? Peeves had knocked them into the cupboard and locked it? The library was too loud and the cramped closet promised a more quiet work environment for a partner project in Potions? – it was impossible to ignore that Dahlia's lips were red and wet and Michael's hair had been incriminatingly mussed.
For a split second, Lily saw them while James didn't, and she wondered what she should do. Lily wasn't sure that James would care about the sight before them. He'd just made known his opinion on meddling. The knowledge that Dahlia was cheating on Remus would only put him in the uncomfortable position of choosing between interfering and keeping a secret.
She needn't have worried. One look at James' face contorted with rage as he processed the situation was enough to confirm that James cared and then some. Lily almost wanted to lift up the hair that fell over his ears to see if steam was pouring out of them. It wasn't the angriest she had ever seen him – that dubious honor was still reserved for when he found out she was being harassed last week – but it was pretty damn close.
His feet started moving before he'd come up with the words needed to confront the illicit couple. Only after he'd crossed half the distance between them in four enormous strides did he shout, "What the hell is this?"
Amazingly, Dahlia hadn't noticed them until that second and she jumped guiltily at the call, hand springing to her neck in surprise. Lily would have thought that cheaters were more adept at remaining covert. At least Dahlia had the shameless part down pat. After her initial shock, she managed to reign in her reaction. Jutting her chin out aggressively, she adopted a stance that showed not one hint of an apology. She looked like a bunny rabbit battling a tiger and confident it would win.
Stunned, Lily tried to reconcile her perceptions of Dahlia – a girl so sweet she'd walk down five flights of stairs to release a spider on the school grounds rather than kill it – with the uncaring heartbreaker before her. Once a cheater, always a cheater was a maxim for a reason. Yet, Lily had fallen for that oft told fairytale. The one where the cheaters had been swept up by a wave of love so strong they couldn't be expected to resist. The truth was a lot uglier.
"This is none of your business," Dahlia said and while her posture remained strong, the shake in her voice was telling.
"None of my – it may not be mine, but it sure as hell is Remus's," Dahlia winced at James' words, "And you can bet I'll be telling him all about how his girlfriend's a cheating slag."
"I'm not cheating," Dahlia said.
"Don't offend me by trying to play this off. I'm not going to buy that you fell in the closet and Sterns was just helping you up."
"No, we were necking in the closet," Dahlia said fiercely. "But Remus and I broke up, so that's really none of your concern."
"You and Lupin called things off?" Michael Sterns asked curiously.
Lily was exceedingly grateful that she'd never gone on their date to Hogsmeade.
James must have been of the same mind because he took a threatening step forward. "So you were feeling her up while thinking she was still with my mate?"
"Hey, now, let's not go mental," Michael said, hands raised placatingly in front of him.
For Lily, Michael's ignorance wasn't particularly noteworthy. "Horny Teen Boy Will Shag Other Bloke's Girl" was so universally accepted that the Hogwarts Daily Mail wouldn't run it as a headline, and that publication thrived off the salacious. No, Lily was far more caught up by Dahlia's announcement. Less than two days ago, they'd looked perfectly infatuated with each other. It was hard to imagine how all that could have crumbled so quickly.
"Moving a bit fast, aren't you?" James said without much bite.
He was still angry; Lily could see it in the line of his jaw. With the revelation that Dahlia wasn't cheating, however, it was clear James didn't know where to channel his anger. Dahlia remained the obvious target, but without knowing the details of what happened, it was difficult to go on the attack.
"He didn't even tell you we broke it off. Clearly, Remus isn't too upset about it either," Dahlia replied thickly.
Silence was possibly more damning. Lily thought Remus must have been pretty broken up to hide it from even his friends. She wracked her brain for any signs that Remus had been out of sorts that morning. He'd been tired, but that was hardly atypical for him. Logical, controlled, steady in a crisis. He'd laughed loudly as anyone at her prank. There'd been no clues that anything was amiss.
"I just remembered, we promised we'd meet Alice in the Common Room to exchange Transfiguration notes," Lily lied, tugging at James' sleeve. "We'd best not keep her waiting. It was…nice – er – to see you both."
Lily dragged James' unprotesting body away. Ignorant of the facts, there was nothing they could do to help Remus. By confronting Dahlia, James could make the situation – whatever it was – irreparably worse. Better to regroup and avoid any heated words. If there was one thing Lily knew for certain, it was that once said, you couldn't take your words back.
Halfway back to the Tower, James finally broke the oppressive silence that had built around them by saying, "She better not have – I mean – what kind of girl is snogging someone else the day after she breaks up with her boyfriend? Blimey, we don't even know when they split. It could have been an hour ago. That has to mean she already had Sterns lined up on the side. Right?"
"I don't know…"
Sterns had certainly seemed surprised by the news that Remus and Dahlia were no more. Proper cheating etiquette, Lily assumed, would have been for Dahlia to rush straight for her lover and share the news. Then, victory snogging could commence. If they were conducting a secret affair, they were going about it all wrong.
"And Sterns! Biggest wanker I've ever met. I swear when Sirius and I are done with him," James grumbled.
Lily had to supply the password to the Fat Lady because she didn't trust James, ranting and raving as he was, to manage it. The Common Room was packed full. There appeared to be some kind of house chess tournament taking place. Lily wasn't surprised to find Mary at one of the stations, thoroughly routing her competition if the number of enemy pieces she had neatly stacked beside the chess board was anything to go by.
Despite all of the commotion, Sirius managed to push his way through the crowd and find them immediately. He gripped James by the shoulder and said, "I just gone done talking to Moony and was coming to find you. You'll never believe what that bitch has done."
So the news was beginning to spread. Considering the drama she'd already witnessed (participated in, instigated) that day, Lily slipped away to leave the two to sort through what had happened. Besides, six years of school had taught her that the Marauders liked to close ranks whenever something scandalous happened. (It had been almost impossible to get near them the first month of school after Sirius had ran away.) They'd want to be alone now.
Upstairs, Lily found the rest of the girls, which was a bit of a shock. Shelia was never one to sit still on a weekend. The three of them had managed to sprawl out enough to fill the entire room. On the floor, Alice lay on her back, throwing a ball into the air and then catching it with the other hand. Marlene had commandeered Lily's bed in addition to her own, scattering her books and study materials across both mattresses. Needle held between her teeth, Shelia appeared to be in the middle of hemming a skirt.
"I'm surprised you're not downstairs cheering on Mary," Lily said, addressing Marlene. "She appears to be winning."
"I was told – no ordered – to finish my homework, and then I could watch. Honestly, Mary thinks she's my mother sometimes," Marlene said, pulling a face.
"Trust me, Mary definitely doesn't view you that way," Lily said a bit hysterically.
"Whatever," Marlene grunted, burying her nose in her notes once more.
Lily took a moment to soak in the sight of Alice so casually hanging out with them once again. Their friendship was so natural. Sometimes, Lily forgot that all wasn't forgiven yet. For such a bulky girl, Alice fit rather seamlessly into their lives.
For that reason (and because Marlene still occupied Lily's bed), Lily joined Alice on the floor. Casually, she began to fill them in on the gossip of the day. Namely, the dish on Dahlia and Remus, a subject guaranteed to arrest all their attention. Even Alice who claimed to be above gossip took a bitter interest in the downfall of others' relationships.
"James had just been talking about doing another triple date, too, but I guess now that's off," Lily said.
"No!" Marlene pouted. "That was fun."
"You can still go. Just find another couple. Say, me and my beau," Shelia suggested.
Lily shook her head and teased, "It would never work. See, we'd learn who he was on our date, and then your secret boyfriend would be no more. Unless you plan to put a bag over his head, which I don't recommend. He may find it hard to enjoy the movie if he can't see."
"Ha ha," Shelia said drily. "And here I was going to finally tell you who he was. I guess I'll just keep it to myself now."
Knowing Shelia would need her to beg in order to feel important, Lily did just that. Shelia lapped up the attention, practically preening when Marlene joined in as well.
Finally, Alice barked, "Just spit it out already."
Shelia smiled widely enough to split her face. "It's not a match I ever would have considered, but he's my everything. So wonderful and fit and loving…"
"Oh! Is it Faraj Shafiq?" Marlene guessed eagerly.
"No."
"Oh, I just thought he may be a Slytherin since you met at that party," Marlene explained.
"Well, you're right on one count," Shelia said happily. "I'm dating Preston Nott."
Lily would look back on all her conversations with Shelia these past few weeks and wonder: had the first trickle of dread, of knowing, been there from the first time Shelia mentioned her mystery boyfriend? It was hard to say because hindsight was a powerful thing. Lily would replay those seemingly innocent conversations and see the shadow in the room had always been there. But that was for another time.
In that moment, Lily was trapped. Such a horrible revelation should have sent her mind racing, but in fact, it did the exact opposite.
Lily had never felt so present. It was like her senses had sharpened a hundred-fold so that she could perfectly capture every detail of the scene. Here was a moment Lily wanted to escape and certainly didn't want to remember, but every detail was ingrained in her memory. She could feel her brain permanently cataloguing the scene.
How her robes hung heavy and restricting off her shoulders. For stone, the floor was oddly warm. The fire burning hot downstairs, spreading heat throughout the tower. The lights from the torches were harsh, unnatural. Nothing like the soothing glow of the sun. The room that had always seemed perfectly sized for five was too small. They were living in a doll's playhouse.
Under the weight of all these sensations, Lily couldn't process Shelia's announcement. With everything else so clear, Lily could make out that Shelia's serene expression had cracks. Shelia didn't expect her news to be easily accepted. Lily was in no position to accept anything, she was so overwhelmed. Luckily, Alice reacted for her.
"Red-haired, seventh-year Slytherin, Nott?" Alice clarified.
Shelia giggled, Lily had never noticed how hollow the sound of laughter could be. Shelia said, "Obviously, it's not like there are two of them."
"He's a bloody death eater!" Alice exploded.
"He is not," Shelia said, rolling her eyes. "We're in school. It's hardly like either side is recruiting teenagers."
"Fine, he wants to be a death eater. Like, how shallow are you? He hates muggles and muggleborns!" Alice spat.
Like all of this was an odious chore, Shelia sighed. None of what Alice had just said had penetrated her mind. Lily couldn't blame her as she'd also struggled to listen. She was too distracted, wondering when she'd stopped fitting insider her skin. The not-quite itch of discomfort had to signal that her skin was about to shed like a snake, revealing what lay beneath: all of the blood and marrow and soft, fleshy bits that felt like they were being assaulted over and over ever since Shelia first said that wretched boy's name.
"I hardly expected you to be happy for me," Shelia told Alice coldly.
It was that, seeing Shelia cut into Alice who had done nothing wrong, that brought Lily back to life. Not that coming to was much of an improvement. Lily instantly longed for the shocked numbness because what was taking its place felt like a dam unleashing.
"He's a monster," Lily gasped out, and her voice sounded all wrong. "Do you have any…any idea what he calls me? What he says to me? I'm…"
The oscillation between hot anger and the incomparable iciness of heartbreak had her on the brink of hyperventilating.
"None of that's real, Lily," Shelia said gently, pleadingly. "Some of his opinions are a bit…rough, but that's not who he is as a person, and I'm sure I can talk him around."
"No," Lily said quietly, and then louder, "No! That's not, no!"
All those Hufflepuffs flashed in her mind. The surety with which she'd told them to choose self-respect above all else. The recalcitrance of the purebloods that wouldn't see reason.
"He hurts me, and he likes it. Says awful, awful things about my family, about Marlene. All because we have muggle blood. How can you not care about that?" Lily demanded.
"I do care," Shelia took her hand. Too sickened by what she was hearing. Lily didn't tear it away. "But I love him."
"You selfish bitch," Alice growled.
Brokenly, Lily murmured, "How can you do this to me?"
Something about the combination seemed to send Shelia over the edge. Gone was her expression of persuasive worry. Now she looked mean, hard. Her glare was first levelled at Alice, but when she turned and spoke, all her venom was for Lily.
"The best thing that's ever happened to me, and you go and make it all about you. And, somehow, I'm the one that's called a selfish bitch. You just can't stand the fact that you've lost for once. Maybe everyone wants to be your friend and you have half the boys in love with you and the professors besides. So what? This time I won. Preston loves me. Utterly and completely, he loves me, and best of all, he doesn't want you. Sorry someone's not obsessed with you for once. Now you know how the rest of us feel."
When she finished, Shelia was breathing heavily. Her speech had taken a lot out of her, but it was nothing compared to what it had taken from Lily. The last of her innocence. Her best friend. Everything, or so it felt.
Lily sank further along the floor. Maybe she was losing the joints in her knees along with her skin.
"Get the fuck out."
The almost inaudibly hissed words came from Marlene. Everyone glanced over at her surprised. Amidst the drama, it had been easy to forget she was there.
"I said, get the fuck out!" This time Marlene screamed the words accompanied by a rather wild-eyed snarl in Shelia's direction.
"Fine, I'll see you later tonight. Hopefully by then you three will have cooled down a bit," Shelia said loftily.
"Oh hell no," Alice said. In that moment, she positively loomed over Shelia. It was a pretty stark reminder that no matter how big she carried herself, she was still a tiny thing. "You're not coming back later. McKinnon means get out for good."
Shelia scoffed. "You can't kick me out. Our dormitory's assigned."
"I don't care. I'm not letting you within ten meters of Lily. Pack a bag and get the fuck out."
"That's nice of you, Alice," Marlene said with false cheer. "I wouldn't have let her pack a bag of slag clothes."
"I'm staying here," Shelia announced loudly.
"No, you're fucking not," Marlene snapped, "Which, hey is exactly what you're doing: fucking Nott. See what I did there?"
Leaning in so that Shelia would be forced to make eye contact, Alice continued on in the coldest voice Lily had ever heard, "You're out. We're not your friends. We're not your roommates. Hell, we're not even your fellow Gryffindors. Far as I'm concerned, you're a surrogate snake now. You're going to stay far away because if you don't, I will hurt you. And then when Mary finds out what you've done to Marlene she'll hurt you. Then, I reckon Black will hear and want his turn. And then, finally, there'll be Potter to answer to. So, unless you want to learn how hard it is to shag in the Hospital Wing, you'll keep far away from us. Because if you come back, I'm going to make you a permanent spot there with Pomfrey."
Shelia took several reflexive steps back, pausing in the doorway.
Sweet as pie, Marlene said, "Oh, and when you see Mary downstairs, will you send her up? You can have a nice, long chat first. After all, it's the last time she's ever going to speak to you."
Shelia glanced between all of their faces. Whatever reaction she'd expected, it had not been this. No, it was more than that. Lily could practically see the heat of the moment slip away. In its wake, Shelia looked shell-shocked. Beyond just their reactions, Shelia was also stunned by the ugliness, the vehemence of her own words.
At Shelia's terrified expression, Lily wanted to reach for her. It was instinct. But she wouldn't be the one to comfort Shelia. Not anymore.
Only after Shelia left, slamming the door shut, did Lily realize she was crying.
A/N: uggghhh I like this chapter but it's so draining :(
I've had an awful week (work, friends, family, the whole shebang), so please review so that at least my ego is stoked and I have one good thing in my life.
Have a safe & happy Halloween weekend!