CHAPTER 38

"Matt's dead."

Alex's mouth dropped open, and she saw the tears begin to roll from Olivia's eyes.

"What?! Oh, God, Liv...I didn't know." Alex moved over to where Olivia was on the couch. "I'm sorry."

"I know."

"What happened?" Alex asked. She could see Olivia was fighting back tears.

Olivia sighed.

"We don't have to talk about it now, Olivia. I'm sorry. When you're ready, we'll talk."

"No, I need to talk about it."

Alex nodded for her to continue.

"Jackson took us to a back room. He said wanted to show me something. When he moved in on me to, uh, touch me, he found my wires. I'm pretty sure he already made us for cops because he knew exactly where to look for it. Matt rushed at him, and he pulled a gun out. He smacked me and made Matt give over his weapons. While he was holding a gun on me, he pistol whipped Matt. Then he tied my hands. He kept his gun on Matt while he groped me and made Matt listen to all the things he said he was going to do to me."

"Then he stopped and told Matt to come with him. That he had a different kind of plan for him. I knew he was planning to kill him. So I begged him to take me instead."

"Olivia!"

"Alex..." Olivia warned.

"I'm sorry, continue."

"Matt said no, and both of us were yelling at each other and Jackson. We were trying to distract him with the commotion and buy some time until backup could get in."

"Jackson came back over to me and pulled my shirt down. Matt yelled again for him not to touch me and struggled to get off the ground. In the meantime, Elliot came in behind Jackson and told him to drop the gun. He wasn't budging, though, and had a look in his eye; he knew he was going to die before it was over. He pointed the gun at me, and squeezed the trigger."

"Wait, he shot at you?!"

"Yeah, but before Jackson could squeeze the trigger, Matt got up and pushed me out of the way." Tears were streaming down Olivia's face. "Elliot shot Jackson as soon as he saw what he was going to do, but it was too late."

Alex put her arms around her.

"He saved your life, Olivia."

"He took a bullet for me."

Alex sighed. She knew that no amount of talking at the moment was going to ease Olivia's guilt, so she just sat quietly, arms around Olivia and let her cry.

Alex finally convinced Olivia to go back to bed and try to sleep more. When she came back to the living room she called the only person she could talk to that she knew would understand.

"Alex? How's Olivia?" Elliot asked when he answered Alex's call.

"She told me about Matt."

"Oh. Is she okay?"

"I don't know, Elliot. She feels guilty."

"She shouldn't. Matt made a choice, and as much of a dick as he could be to everyone else, he did care about Olivia."

Alex remained quiet.

"How are you, Alex?"

"Me? I'm fine."

"No, you're not, and I wouldn't expect you to be."

"Fine," she sighed. "I don't know how I am or what I'm feeling."

"You're feeling torn because you love Olivia, but you feel betrayed. I get it. Olivia has been an idiot lately."

"It's not just that..." she said.

"I know. You're in love with her, and you worry about her constantly, and when she chooses the job over you, it makes you crazy and angry."

"How..." she started.

"I've been married a long time, Alex. Do you know how many times Kathy and I have had the exact same fight? I don't know how she stays with me, and I know that one day I'll wake up, and she won't be there...at least if the job doesn't kill me first."

He continued.

"I know you know this, and I know it may not matter at this point, but Olivia does love you. You should also know, since you weren't there, that last night's performance from Olivia, and Matt, too, was more PG-13 than R rated. I know Matt is dead, and it doesn't matter now, but they really were trying hard to do their jobs without doing more harm to your relationship."

"Thanks, Elliot. It does matter."

"I know you have the benefit of understanding our work a little more than most people. I mean, you do it for the same reasons that we do, but I also know that it's a different side, and it's not for everyone. Just make sure, if you do this, you let her down easy."

"Okay," Alex sighed and hung up the phone. It was her turn to let the tears fall down her face.

#

Olivia got up a few hours later and went into the living room where Alex was.

"You're up! Can I make you some lunch, or I have leftover bagels if you want?"

"A bagel is fine. Thanks, Alex," Olivia walked toward the dining room.

"Go sit on the couch and relax. A few crumbs in the living room won't be the end of the world," Alex smiled. "I'll be right there with your food." She returned with a bagel and orange juice for Olivia.

"How are you feeling?"

"How do you think I'm feeling?" Olivia replied with a sigh.

Alex nodded in understanding.

"Tell me about him," Alex finally said.

"What?"

"Matt. Tell me about him."

"Alex, we really don't need..."

"Olivia, I sincerely want to know. You said you would tell me about your history with Matt at some point, and I haven't asked since because, well, you know."

Olivia just looked at Alex, not saying anything.

"Olivia, Matt was important enough to you to put our relationship in jeopardy over multiple times. And you were important enough to him that he died to protect you. I would like to know what it was that made your relationship with him matter so much. And, I think I deserve to know at this point."

Olivia nodded.

"We met at the academy. It was a difficult time for both of us, because we both joined the force to balance out the negative of our lives with the positive of being able to help people. I didn't like him at first. He was kind of a dickhead, in case you didn't notice," Olivia smiled.

"Really? Never would have guessed," Alex laughed.

"Anyway, we didn't hit it off at first. We were constantly arguing and competing. One night, we all went out to a bar and we both had a bit too much to drink."

"Okay, let me stop you there. I want to hear this story, but I've heard too much of yours and Matt's sex life lately, so can you please spare me those details?" Alex asked.

Olivia laughed. "That wasn't where I was going, but yes, I'll spare you any details. So, we had too much to drink and started talking about our childhood. He had a father who physically abused him and his mother. His dad was an alcoholic, so we both bonded over that with his dad and my mom. Of course, we bonded over whiskey, but all the same."

Olivia continued.

"We became good friends, and we continued to see each other regularly after academy. Not purposely, but we hung out at the same bar. We became kind of like those friends that you don't see all the time, but you know you can count on in a crisis."

"So, my mom was staying with me temporarily after she came out of yet another rehab program. I thought if I could watch her, she could be successful this time. But it wasn't working. Matt came back to my apartment with me one night to see if he could help me convince her to go back. She had a 'friend' over who had also been drinking with her, and when we got there, we could see that he had been rough with her. As much as I hated her at times, I couldn't stand the thought of another man hurting her like my father did, so I got into a fight with him. He got the drop on me and smacked me; I fell down. Matt pulled his gun and badge on him and demanded he left. On his way out, he told us we didn't know who we were messing with, and he promised to have Matt's badge."

"He was a cop?"

"Yeah, a Captain, at that. And while he didn't file any formal complaints, probably because he knew he would also get in trouble, he did do his best to destroy Matt's career. Little things. Nothing that could connect to him, or draw attention. Anonymous complaints and grievances. Matt spent a lot of time on patrol because of that man."

"And that's why he just made detective last year?" Things were falling into place for Alex.

"Yeah. And it was my fault. There's more, though. That same night, Matt stayed over, just as a friend. In the middle of the night, we heard a thud and went out to the living room to find my mom on the floor. She had taken some pills that proved to be a bad combination with all the alcohol in her system. I was hysterical. All of my training went out the door. Matt calmed me enough to call 911 while he performed CPR on my mom until paramedics arrived. They said she probably would have died if he hadn't started CPR when he did."

"Olivia, I had no idea. I mean, I knew your mom was an alcoholic, but..."

"It's okay, Alex. I've never told anyone that story. Anyway, a couple year later..."

Alex interrupted her, "There's more?!"

Olivia nodded. "A couple years later, we had stayed close friends, who occasionally slept together. But his mom called me one day."

"You met his parents, too?" Alex laughed.

"It wasn't like that, Alex. It was easier for him to take me to family functions than some random girlfriend who would read too much into it. His mom liked me even though she knew we were just friends. His dad, on the other hand, well, he didn't like anyone."

"So, his mom calls me one day and she's crying. Matt's dad had been beating her and had raped her. She didn't want to call Matt because she was embarrassed and because she knew it would lead to a fight between Matt and his dad, and she didn't want Matt to get into any more trouble at work. When I got there, Matt's dad had been drinking, of course. I told him I was taking Beth, Matt's mom, and that he was under arrest for assault and rape. He laughed at me and told me you couldn't rape your wife, and she had it coming."

Alex rolled her eyes.

"I had fortunately called my partner at the time for backup because his dad was a big guy. He stayed outside during most of the confrontation, but listened in and called for another squad car to come. He heard everything that Matt's dad had said, basically the confession to the assault and rape. We arrested him and I took his mom to a shelter until we knew his dad would be in jail for a while."

"What did Matt say?"

"He was upset that I didn't call him, but mostly because of what his father could have done to me. But he was happy and overwhelmed that his mom was finally safe. His dad got 7 years, mostly because he had some prior assault convictions. He ended up dying in prison from cancer. Go figure."

Suddenly, Olivia's face dropped.

"What is it?"

"I have to see Matt's mom. Not today, but I need to see her."

Alex nodded, and Olivia went back to her story.

"So, that's pretty much the whole thing, minus the parts you wanted to be left out."

"Why did you two keep sleeping together? I mean, why not just date?"

"Alex, it was more complicated than that. Matt and I would not have been a good fit, and we both knew it. I can't explain it except that, while I loved Matt and he loved me, we weren't in love."

"And the sex?"

Olivia hesitated. "The sex was a way for us to cope with life. We were comfortable with each other and trusted each other. I had never trusted anyone in the bedroom as much as I trusted Matt, until you that is, even with people I actually dated. Matt was safe. Neither of us had to worry about the other being jealous, or caring if someone stayed the night, or called the next day. Our relationship was uncomplicated...until I met you."

Alex hung her head. So did Olivia. Neither of them was sure what to say to the other at this point, or if they had already said everything.

"Why didn't you tell me from the beginning, Olivia?"

"I don't know. I mean, it's pretty painful stuff, for both him and me."

Alex nodded. She understood, but she was still hurt that Olivia couldn't trust her sooner.

"Alex, I'm sorry about all of it. Matt. The undercover stuff. Not talking to you about it. Not trusting you. The, uh, handcuffs." Alex rolled her eyes at that one before Olivia continued.

"If I could do it all over again, Alex, the whole thing, this whole relationship, I would and I would do it right."

Alex shifted her eyes to the floor.

"I remember our conversation earlier this morning; what you were saying before I told you about Matt. And, I understand if you still feel that way. We can't stay together because you feel sorry for me for losing Matt."

"What are you saying, Olivia?" Alex was scared. Yes, she is the one that basically told Olivia she couldn't be in this relationship anymore, but she still wasn't prepared for the end of it.

"I'm saying that, I am going to be here, with you, in this relationship until you tell me to leave. But you have to make sure it's what you want, Alex. I don't want to continue hurting you. I can't keep doing that."

"Honestly, Liv, I don't know how I'm feeling right now."

"Then I'm going to stay right here until you figure it out...unless you want me to leave."

Alex shook her head.

"Stay."

A/N: So, I'm winding down this particular story point and we'll see how Alex and Olivia deal with the aftermath of this, and we'll lead up to what you all know is coming in Loss. Love the reviews and how much you all loved to hate Matt. I know the backstory isn't going to change that for some of you. You're still going to hate him, but once I planned his death, I thought this was the best moment for Alex to finally hear the full story, to give her something to chew on.