Set in Season 5 - and so ridiculous that you may all hate me

"Are you sure this is the place?"

"Merlin, Merlin. Have I ever steered you wrong?" Gwaine smirked as he pushed open the door to what looked like an unassuming village tavern. "Yes, you can answer that both alphabetically and chronologically."

Merlin just sighed and shook his head ruefully as he followed his friend into Goodwife Margaret's. It was dimmer than he expected, and the patrons glared up from their tables at whomever had dared to bring light into their little hellhole. Gwaine let the door close behind them as he stepped toward the bar. "Weasel. My friend."

"Gwaine. Haven't seen you in a while."

"Found a steady job down in Camelot."

The bartender's eyebrows rose upon his forehead. "You? A steady job? Doing what? Testing ale?"

Gwaine rested his hand on the pommel of his sword. He'd shed all outward evidence of his knighthood for this particular task. Merlin was actually staying quiet while he kept his eyes open and trying to be subtle as he watched the men and women in the room. "A bit of guarding. Using my second best skill, I guess."

Weasel looked wholely unimpressed by Gwaine's normally winning smile. He looked over at Merlin and disdainfully looked him up and down. "Guarding the stick, there?"

"Nah, my friend does well enough on his own." Gwaine leaned forward on the bar, pulling out the tiny purse he'd prepared before they left the others with the horses. "Anyway, we're looking for your favorite asshole. Any idea where to find him?"

Weasel's brow rose even higher. If he wasn't careful, he might just beat Gaius for eyebrow height. He slid his hand over the bar and opened the purse after he picked it up. After counting the coins that slid out of it, he grunted and nodded. "Town square. He's stuck in the pillory until sundown."

"Ouch." Gwaine winced. "What'd he do?"

"Appropriate way to put it. Let's just say Farmer Al decided he was no longer welcome as his back-up shepherd and leave it at that."

Gwaine winced as Merlin looked a bit confused. "What-"

"Never mind, Merlin. We'll just wait for him here, Weasel. Two ales." Gwaine paid for the ales and led the younger man to the table by the wall. They only had a bit to wait. Might as well spend it in good company.

They had only been there for about an hour when the door opened and another man hobbled in. "Weasel! I need a drink."

"You have no job and no money."

"Oh, come on, you know I'm good for it. I just spent hours in that stupid pillory and I'm parched." He threw his arms out wide and dramatically turned around, the hood pulled over his head billowing a bit and nearly falling down. "Any of these wonderful people will stand me a drink." The man's arms fell slowly as not one of the patrons answered with more than a baleful stare. "One of you? Max? Tobias? Virgil? Gwaine?" His shoulders drooped as started to make his way out of the tavern. He almost made it to the door before he stopped suddenly and turned toward their table. "Gwaine?!" The man dashed to their table and pulled Gwaine out of the seat. "Gwaine! Gwaine! My favorite person in the world." He hugged him tight as Gwaine laughed.

"Touch my bum and I'll chop off your favorite appendage, Wade."

The man Gwaine and Merlin had come in search of stepped back, holding Gwaine at arms' length, tsking at Gwaine. "No fun. Just no fun. But, hello there, cheekbones." Wade leaned to the side and toward Merlin.

Gwaine stopped him when he would have stepped around Gwaine to get to Merlin. "Same goes for Merlin. Weasel, get him one drink. Just one." He pushed Wade onto the bench across from him and Merlin. "We have business."

"Business?" Wade put his chin on his hand and looked at Merlin. "I much prefer pleasure." The hood had slipped back and Merlin could see the scar disfiguring the man's face. One side was still quite handsome, while the other looked as if it had been scraped across rocks and never allowed to heal. Even with the scar, the man's eyes twinkled with pure mischief.

"Yeah, that's why you were in the pillory."

He grinned at Gwaine, "Well, yes, but it's much more fun when there are only two legs to worry about."

"Sorry, mate, Merlin is off-limits."

The hazel eyes of their quarry flashed up and down what he could see of Merlin. "Pity." He picked up the ale Weasel had just plunked on the table and sighed dramatically. He seemed to do everything dramatically. "So business it is, since pleasure is off the table." When Merlin squeaked and jumped at the stockinged foot that had come to rest on his crotch, he just grinned around the rim of the tankard as he put his foot back on the floor.

"Wade. Pay attention." Gwaine shook his head. "You really are an ass. Leave the boy alone. He's too pure for you."

Wade just shrugged, still drinking the ale in gulps. When he was done, he wiped his mouth and held it out toward Gwaine, "Another?"

"No, but now that you're done, you can come with us and we can talk over our business away from big ears." Gwaine stood up abruptly, leaving Merlin to scramble behind him. "You can either follow us, or be left without any money for drink, Wade. Your choice."

Merlin quietly followed Gwaine, head reeling from what had happened in the last five minutes. "Gwaine, was he-?"

"Serious about propositioning either one of us?"

"Yeah."

"Absolutely." Gwaine laughed. "He doesn't care who or what a person, or animal, I guess, is." Gwaine clapped Merlin on the shoulder, "But he's a good man under all that bullshit. He's what we need."

"So, let me get this straight. You are now a knight of fucking Camelot and the three of you knights need my help to get back one of your idiot noblemen." Wade leaned back against the gnarled tree on the edge of the knights' camp. "Four, if you count the king's personal manservant, who, adorable as you are, Merlin, really has no reason being here."

Gwaine nodded. "Pretty much. You in?"

"Horrible odds. Francis' guards are vicious."

"And they gave you your scars. I figured you'd like a little payback." Gwaine held out his hand to Percival for the pouch of money Arthur had approved as payment for their guide. "And this is yours if you help us get in and get Lord March. What you do after we get out with him is all up to you."

Wade's eyes lit up. "No limits?"

"Only whatever won't hurt innocents." Merlin interjected before Gwaine could answer.

Wade waved his hand in Merlin's direction, scoffing, "Hurting innocent people is no fun. Now, dismembering Francis' guards..." The scarred man's attention seemed to turn inward. "I could use my smallest knife on Francis himself. Take off skin in... Oh, yes, that could work. That would be fun."

Merlin felt his stomach start to churn and he looked at Gwaine, who was just standing patiently, looking at Wade with actual amusement in his eyes. Gwaine caught the look Merlin threw at him and smiled the tiniest, most cynical smile he had ever seen on the man. "Wade. Your answer?"

Wade looked up from the hand he had started tracing his finger over, probably planning the path he would take while skinning Lord Francis, and smiled. If it hadn't been paired with eyes that just screamed 'madman', Merlin would have called it the sweetest, most joy-filled smile he'd ever seen. As it was, it ended up being more than slightly frightening. "Oh, I'm in. I get you and your knights and pretty servant in. You rescue your useless noble. You get out. I get to play. Francis dies."

Gwaine nodded. "Sounds good."

Elyan looked at Gwaine over the fire they had lit in the camp. "You realize your friend is completely mad, right?"

"Of course, I do. But he's the best chance we have to get into and out of Francis' alive and with Lord March intact." Gwaine shrugged. "Wade is a better swordsman than anyone I've ever met, and that includes both me and Arthur. He also has a debt to settle with Francis."

"Will he be able to do it? Get us in and out?" Percival had been quiet during the conversation and planning session that had occurred before Wade went to collect his weapons from Farmer Al's cottage.

Gwaine nodded. "Yeah. He can. He and I have worked together before."

"You sound like you admire him." Merlin took a deep breath. "I'm not going to lie. He makes me nervous."

"You'd be foolish not to be nervous around him, especially since he seems to think you're just edible." Gwaine ducked the twig thrown at his head. "Honestly. Wade may be mad, but he's good. He's a friend and he helps his friends. Well, most of them. Some of them he just loves to goad, but Logan usually deserves it because he's a moody bastard."

"How the hell did you make friends with him, Gwaine?" Elyan seemed just plain perplexed by the whole thing.

"He saved my life, then offered me a job with the useless nobleman he was guarding." Gwaine took a drink from the wineskin the four men were passing around the campfire. "It wasn't too long after I left home. He helped me get on my feet. Taught me a lot of my swordplay. Gave me some money when I decided it was time to move on."

Percival nodded. He understood the loyalty one could feel to the person who helped them pick up the pieces after their world went to hell. Master Jacobsen had been his Wade. Being given purpose after losing his family had been vital. If Master Jacobsen rode into Camelot today and asked for his help, he would give it with no questions asked.

Each of the men around the fire understood Gwaine's faith in his friend, even in the face of his madness. They each had that person. Merlin still mourned Will's loss. Every day, a little piece of his heart struggled to beat with the knowledge that he'd died saving him. Elyan would protect his sister with his life. She had faith in him, even when he'd left their family behind, she'd forgiven him (eventually) and welcomed him home.

The three men would put their faith in Gwaine's friend because they knew they could put their faith in Gwaine, and in two days they would rescue the not-so-fair unfortunately-not-a-damsel in distress and get him back to Camelot where King Arthur, Sir Leon, and the rest of the Council would ring a peal over the man's head for his reckless actions which had the possibility of leading to a war if Gwaine hadn't come up with a clandestine plan to get him back.

Merlin handed the wineskin back to Gwaine and shrugged, "Just do me a favor and make him stop staring at my ass."

The plan went almost perfectly. Wade knew all of the secret ways to enter Lord Francis' citadel. He even knew a few that Lord Francis didn't. When Merlin asked him how and why he knew this, the man simply shrugged and blithely answered, "I needed to know how to get in there to kill him some day. Tomorrow's that day."

The five men took a passageway that started in a cave about a mile away from the citadel and traveled to the castle's underwater reserve. The opening that they crawled out of barely existed. They actually had to pull Percival out of it by the arms when he got stuck in the hole. It was in a recess behind a few large rocks, so it was easily overlooked. Once Percival was through, looking much worse for the wear, Elyan kept watch in case a guard heard them digging around the edges to make the hole bigger so they could get out faster than they came in. They made their way to the door leading to the castle proper, and conveniently enough, the dungeons themselves.

Lord March was in the first cell, not the one closest to them, so they were going to have to take on the two guards to get to him. As Gwaine and Wade did just that, Merlin and the other two dashed to the cell. "Damn it. Gwaine, we need the keys!"

"Got it." He dispatched his opponent and was about to grab the keys from the guard's belt when he heard rumbling on the stairs. Quickly, he tugged the keys off and tossed them toward Merlin before he turned back to the fresh guards coming toward them. "Get March out of here. We'll meet you."

Merlin shoved Lord March in front of him without any regard for his rank and ordered Percival and Elyan to get him down the tunnel. They nodded and bustled the bruised and slightly dazed man off. "Come on, you two. We have to go."

Wade laughed. "You two go. This is-"

"Wade, if you say fun, I'm going to hurt you myself," Merlin interrupted the man.

"Promises, promises, Merlin." The waggling of only one eyebrow on the scarred face should have been ridiculous, but it was strangely not. "I said, you two go. I'm going to find Francis. Oh, Francis. Where are you?"

Gwaine broke the hand of the guard he was fighting and quickly finished him off. "You sure, Wade?"

Wade looked at the last two guards on the steps. They looked nervous. He turned and grinned at Gwaine. "Absolutely. I'm going to enjoy this." He turned his grin on Merlin and tossed his sword to Gwaine who caught it before Wade darted back toward the manservant. "Gotta do it. Just gotta."

Wade grabbed Merlin and pulled him to him quickly, capturing his lips as one of his hands reached down to squeeze the squeaking man's buttcheek. The kiss was over nearly as soon as it started and Wade was rushing back to grab his sword from Gwaine as he passed on his way to charge the two confused guards. Gwaine was laughing as he pulled a thoroughly dazed Merlin along the passageway back to the hole in the cave wall.

"What the hell happened back there?" Merlin had found his voice again after they got through the hole.

"Wade being Wade. Come on, we have to catch up with the others."

"But he's alone in there. We can't just leave him." Merlin stopped in the tunnel. Leaving a man, even if he was a strange madman like Wade, alone in a castle full of guards, went against his sense of right.

Gwaine paused, "Merlin, Wade will be fine. I promise you. If he can't get to Lord Francis today, he will get out and get him another day. Right now, he's giving us what we need to get Lord March out of here, which is what we came for. Going after Francis is what he went there for, regardless of the outcome. Merlin, if I thought he had no chance, I never would have left him alone. He'll be back at Goodwife Margaret's tormenting Weasel by tomorrow. Trust me."

Merlin nodded slowly. He didn't like leaving anyone behind, especially not someone who had proven to be a friend, very very odd and completely disrespectful of personal boundaries, but still, a friend; one who was rather amusing when he wasn't talking about dismemberment and filleting people as if they were fish. "Alright. But I don't like this."

"I know." Gwaine clapped his hand on Merlin's shoulder. "Wade is a survivor. He has gotten through more and worse than I can even imagine somehow."

That night, camp was pretty quiet. The knights and Merlin had left Lord Francis' territory as quickly as possible, only making camp when they were sure they were far enough away that they weren't followed. It was a cold camp, with no fire to give away their position. Gwaine stood guard while the others pretended to sleep. The only one actually sleeping was Lord March.

Elyan was the one to break the silence from the tree he was leaning against for a bed. "Did we have to leave him there?" he whispered just loud enough for the others to hear.

Gwaine turned his eyes toward the camp, and they glittered a bit in the moonlight. "He's been after Lord Francis for years. Longer than I've known him, actually."

"Will he make it? Will he kill Lord Francis and escape?" Percival didn't open his eyes but his mouth tightened in the faint light.

"Yes. He'll do it." Merlin's voice was as low as the others, but he'd had hours to think about this. Not just that, but he'd also looked backwards and used his magic to see how Wade was doing. After a few minutes of watching Wade happily engaged in his task of dispatching the man who'd tortured him so many years ago, he'd looked forward and blocked the sight out of his mind, actually happy that dinner that night was reduced to jerky and flatbread. "He'll be fine."

Gwaine turned to stare at Merlin for a moment, wondering at the finality in his voice, before he nodded and turned his eyes back to the forest and trail. Elyan and Percival accepted Merlin's words and tried to put it from their minds so they could get a bit of sleep that night before they woke and headed back to Camelot.

"Oh, Emrys. Just have to say, you taste delicious. Until we meet again, smooch smooch."

So, um, yeah, I just did a Deadpool/Merlin crossover. Why? I don't know. It hit last night and I just went with it.