Chapter 37: The Winter Dance
It was a seemingly normal day at James Woods High School. Meg was putting her things into her locker and as she walked out, there stood the one thing she hated seeing the most, Neil Goldman.
"Well hello there, Meg," said Neil, "I see that the fates have brought us back together after so long."
"Neil, what do you want?" she asked annoyed.
"What I have in my hands are two tickets to the winter dance tommorrow night," said Neil, "And I was wonder if you and I could get toether in the fusion of the dance and become one... Meil! Now there are two choices: You can say yes, or you can say yes!"
"How about NO!" said Meg angrily.
"Oh, c'mon!" said Neil, "Who else is gonna take you out?"
"Hey, there babe," said what appeared to be Zack wearing a tanktop, baggy pants and sunglasses, "So you ready for that winter dance?"
"Outta the way, poser!" said Zack as he shoved his lookalike into a locker, "Hey Meg, you ready to go?"
"Neil, I want you to meet my husband, Zack," said Meg.
"Husband?" asked Neil in shock, "But Meg, how could you?!?! I thought we had something together!"
"Neil, we only kissed because we were almost murdered," said Meg, "But Zack and I have a child together."
"But... but that could be MY child you know," said Neil.
"But we NEVER had sex," said Meg.
"Umm... artificial insemination?" asked Neil.
Meg and Zack stare at Neil for a few seconds. Neil stares back giving a confident grin. Out of nowhere, Zack punches Neil in the face, knocking him out. Zack then leaves with Meg in his arms, and Connie watches from a distance in jealousy.
"I can't stand it," said Connie.
"Can't stand what?" asked the other popular girl.
"Everything that Meg has," said Connie, "I'm Connie D'amico, the most popular girl in school. I should be the one to have a husband and child!"
"It shouldn't matter, anyway," said the other girl, "Remember, you're going to the dance with Craig Hoffman."
"You're right, huh?" asked Connie, "Screw that Shaggy looking guy. I got Craig Hoffman!"
Craig Hoffman then walks up to Connie.
"Listen, I can't take you out," said Craig.
"Why not?" asked Connie.
"Because then I'd going by somebody's rules," said Craig, "And I don't go by anybody's rules. Not even my own. So by that logic, I will take you out after all but now I decided not to since that's by some rules. You understand?"
"Umm... no?" said Connie.
"Good," said Craig, "Later..."
"Great... Now who am I gonna take to the dance?" asked Connie.
"Hi, Connie," said Chris as he walked up to her holding flower stems, "I was kinda wonderin' if you could, you know, go to the winter dance with me?"
"What happened to the flowers?" she asked.
"Funny story," said Chris, "You see, I was wondering what flowers tasted like so I ate em. They taste kinda like my socks."
"Uh huh..." said Connie, "Listen, why don't take your right hand out instead. I'm sure you two have been much more intimate."
"Oh...," said Chris as he walked away in disapointment, "Okay... C'mon, righty."
"The nerve!" said Connie, "As if I'd really want to go out with Meg's loser brother! Eew!"
"Yeah..." said the other girl, "It's too bad loserness runs in the family. I guess coolness is born and not made."
"...Make coolness?" asked Connie, "That gives me an idea..."
Later on at the Griffin house, Meg is looking through dresses to wear to the dance while Zack is watching TV downstairs.
"What do you think?" asked Meg as she came downstairs in a green dress, "Do you think this would look good with a red rose?"
"Just put on whatever," said Zack.
"Just put on whatever?" asked Meg, "Zack, I can't go just wearing anything! That's why I was asking you!"
"Meg, you're asking for fashion advice from a straight guy," said Zack, "That's like gays talking about sports."
Cutaway
Brian's cousin Jasper is in a room along with Bruce the performance artist and Terry and Greg(who are the gay news reporters from American Dad)
"Did you see the football game last night?" asked Jasper.
"Oh yeah," said Greg, "The home team was absolutely amazing."
"I know!" said Jasper, "I loved the matching colors of their uniforms! Oh and that linebacker! MMMMM! Oh, I'd love to grab THOSE lovehandles!"
"Yeah, they were fantastic," said Bruce, "Not like the away team. They were awful."
"I know," said Terry, "Their outfits just simply clashed."
"Oh, they were just terrible," said Greg.
"Oh, the colors were just horrible," said Jasper, "Although, I thought that quarterback had a nice butt."
"Yeah, I noticed that, too," said Bruce.
End Cutaway.
Suddenly, Chris comes into the house looking pretty sad and holding the flower stems in his hands.
"Hey, why the long face, Chris?" asked Peter.
"He was born that way," said Zack.
"Oh, yeah," said Peter, "Anyway, why are you so down?"
"He was born that way, too," said Zack.
"Oh yeah," said Peter, "Anyway, what's the matter?"
Everybody then looks at Zack, waiting for him to say something.
"I got nothing," said Zack.
"I tried asking Connie D'amico to the dance," said Chris, "She said no."
"Chris, you shouldn't give up," said Peter, "A Griffin never takes no for an answer. When a woman says no, they mean yes. When they say stop you're hurting me, they mean give me more and faster."
"And when the cops come, it means you're screwed," said Zack, "There are a lot of guys in prison who don't take no for an answer, either."
"Don't feel bad," said Meg, "Connie just isn't the right girl for you. You'll find the right one, someday."
"You're right, Meg," said Chris upbeat, "I mean, look at you. You were able to find yours."
"See?" said Meg.
"Yeah it took you years," continued Chris.
"I know," said Meg.
"I mean, every other guy kept running away," said Chris.
"I think we get it..." said Meg.
"Some even set themselves on fire and..."
"OKAY, WE GET IT!!!" shouted Meg.
Suddenly, Jillian walks in the front door holding the twins in each arm.
"Zack, I've got a question," said Jillian, "If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it say ouch?"
Everybody stares at each other in disbelief, except Chris who walks up to Jillian.
"Hey, Jillian," said Chris, "I was wondering if you would like to go to the dance with me."
"Chris, there's nothing between us," said Jillian, "We only had sex to survive and we had kids by accident."
"Hey, don't call them accidents," said Peter, "They're mistakes."
"Actually, they're unplanned pregnancies," said Jillian, "Zack was one."
"WHAT?!?!" shouted Zack.
"That's what dad said," said Jillian, "Mom told me not to tell you."
"Then why did you say it?" asked Zack.
"I was telling Peter, not you silly!" said Jillian.
"Well this deals a huge blow to my already excellent relationship with my dad," said Zack sarcastically.
"I guess I'll just have to take my right hand..." said Chris sadly, "Just like Connie said."
"Chris, wait," said Jillian, "I..."
Before Jillian finishes, there's a knock at the door. Chris goes to answer it and there stands Connie D'amico.
"Connie?" asked Chris.
"I just wanted to come by and tell you that I WOULD like to go to the dance with you," said Connie.
"Really? That's AWESOME!" said Chris, "I can't wait to tell my imaginary friends!"
"Cool people don't have imaginary friends," said Connie.
"They don't?" asked Chris.
"No. And if you want to be with me, you HAVE to be cool," said Connie, "See me at the mall tommorrow and we'll work on it."
"Wow!" said Chris, "I'm going to the dance with the most popular girl in school!"
"Yeah..." said Jillian unsure, "That's... great..."
The next day at the mall, Chris is at the foodcourt with Connie who is telling him about the proper ways of being cool.
"Here's the first thing you should know about being cool," said Connie, "First off, it's not cool to stick your fries up your nose."
"Salt hurts," said Chris as he had a bunch of french fries up each nostril.
"Second, you need to look cool," said Connie, "I mean, your current ensemble is so... bleh! Let's go to the clothing store and I'll show you what to wear."
Later at the clothing store...
"How about this?" asked Chris as he held up a shirt that had a bunny on it, "Is this cool?"
"...No. Just... no," said Connie, "Now THIS is you."
She handed Chris a cut leather jacket and broken faded jeans. Back at the Griffin home, Jillian is upstairs with Meg helping her pick out a dress to wear to the dance.
"Should I wear the red one or the purple one?" asked Meg, "Which one makes me look fat?"
"They all do," said Jillian sadly.
"What's wrong?" asked Meg, "It sounds like there's something on your mind."
"Don't be silly!" said Jillian, "Zack says I don't even have a mind."
"No, I mean it seems like somthing's bothering you," said Meg, "You've been acting this way since Connie asked Chris out."
"What? You think this is about Chris?" she laughed, "No, I'm happy for him!"
"I'm home!" said Chris from downstairs.
Everybody goes into the living to see that Chris has on a leather jacket with faded broken jeans and shades with his hair slicked back. Connie is next to him in his arms.
"Chris?" asked Zack.
"Check it out!" said Chris, "Don't I look so cool?"
"Wow, Chris!" said Peter, "You're like the Fonz! You even got a chick hanging off your arm."
"Yeah, this is Connie," said Chris, "She's my new girlfriend!"
"Girlfriend?!?!" asked Jillian in shock.
"Connie?!?!" asked Zack shock.
"Yours?!?!" asked Meg in shock.
"Mcnuggets?!?!" asked Peter in shock. Everybody then looks at Peter, "Oh now how I see how you play this game. Hang on, let's start over."
"You're going out with Connie?" asked Meg.
"Chris, Connie is a bitch!" said Zack, "She's evil!"
"You guys don't understand!" protested Chris, "We love each other. Isn't that right, Connie."
"That's right, Chris Cool Rider," said Connie as she kissed him on the cheek.
"That's my new nickname," said Chris.
"Now wait just a minute, Chris!" said Jillian.
"It's CCR," said Chris.
"Wait, you're Chris the Chicken Rider, now?" asked Jillian, "I thought it was Chris Cool Rider."
"It is," said Chris, "In CCR The C stands for Cool."
"Okay," said Jillian, "Now just a minute, Cool Chicken Rider!"
"Much better," said Chris.
"I don't want you going out with this hussy!" said Jillian.
"Oh and why not?" asked Connie, "You aren't his parent."
"Besides," said Chris, "There wasn't anything going on between us anyway. You said so yourself."
"Well... I guess you're right," said Jillian, "I... I hope you two have fun..."
"See you at the dance tonight, CCR," said Connie as she left.
"Wow!" said Peter, "My son is going out with the most popular girl in school. Why, I haven't felt this proud since I beat Mike Tyson."
Flashback.
Peter is on the frontstep of Mike Tyson's house wearing boxing gear such as boots, trunks, and boxing gloves. He then rings Mike Tyson's doorbell.
"Yes, may I help you?" asked Mike Tyson as he opened the door.
Peter then quickly pulls out a gun and shoots him.
End Flashback.
Later at night at Jillian's apartment, she is depressedly watching TV in her robe with her hair looking messy while eating from a pint of Ice Cream.
"Coming soon, to theatres," said the TV announcer, "The Jeffersons remake starring George Lopez!"
"Even I think that's wrong," said Jillian.
Suddenly, she gets a knock at her door and when she goes to answer it she sees Zack and Meg dressed up.
"What are you guys doing here?" asked Jillian.
"We couldn't help but noticed that you seem depressed," said Meg.
"I'm not depressed," said Jillian angrily.
"Oh Really?" asked Zack, "Then why did you leave your kids at the house?"
Zack handed C.J. and Tilly to Jillian.
"Who are they?" she asked.
"Jillian, you seem mad at Chris," said Meg, "But you don't have to take it out on your kids!"
"...No seriously. Who are they?" asked Jillian, "And I'm NOT mad at Chris."
"C'mon!" said Zack, "Jillian, I know you care about him! I saw the way your face winced when Connie kissed him."
"That was a result of my buttocks injection," lied Jillian.
"First of all, it's call botox," said Meg, "Second, botox keeps you from frowning."
"Okay! I DO care about him!" said Jillian, "I get jealous every time I see him with another girl."
"No kidding," said Zack, "I mean, you tossed that poor girl off a cliff just last week."
"I wish I could've told him how I really feel," said Jillian, "God, I feel so stupid!"
"Don't you always?" asked Zack.
"It just feels so wrong, though!" said Jillian, "I mean he's just a kid, but at the same time I felt like there was a connection between us. A connection I've never felt with any other guy."
"And exactly how many guys have you slept with?" asked Meg.
"I dunno," said Jillian, "I could never count past ten."
"It's true," said Zack, "She once thought the number that came after 10 was moo."
"But now I know it's eleventy one," said Jillian proudly.
"How about you go to the dance with us," said Meg, "It should cheer you up."
"I guess," said Jillian.
"You guess?" asked Zack, "C'mon! It'll be fun!"
Later at the winter dance...
"This is so not fun!" said Meg.
"Well, it's not his fault," said Jillian, "Someone did spike the punch."
"Hey, you!" said Zack in a drunk tone towards a random teenage boy, "Yeah, you! Where's my money???"
"I-I don't know what you're talking about, sir?" he said, "I don't even know you!"
"Don't even know me?!?! You listen and you listen good!" said Zack, "I fought in the great war! You know, the one in space against those damn dirty apes! Yeah, they'd ride on dinosaurs while holding lightsabers and coffee mugs! I killed 100 space apes with only my bare hands... and a gun! Yet, I still wasn't good enough in my dad's eyes! I'm NEVER good enough to that fat bastard! Now gimmie some money!"
"Zack, I think you've had too much punch," said Meg.
"No... I'm fine!" said Zack as he then threw up and fell onto his own puke unconcsious.
"I'll get a mop," said Jillian as she left.
Meanwhile under the bleachers, Chris and Connie are making out.
"Wow, Chris," said Connie, "I never knew you were such a great kisser."
"Thanks," said Chris, "I think I like you."
"Really?" asked Connie, "Then I think it's time we take it up a notch."
Connie tries to unzip Chris' pants but Chris grabs her arm before she can do it.
"W-wait!" said Chris, "What are you doing?"
"Chris, I want us to have sex!" said Connie.
"Whoa, wait a minute," said Chris, "I like you and all, but I'm not ready to do this yet."
"But-!"
"Connie, why don't we just stay friends then," said Chris as he was about to leave but he was grabbed by Connie and pinned to the wall.
"Oh no you don't!" said Connie, "This was the only reason I went to the stupid dance with you and made you cool! We're going to have sex and then I'm going to have a baby whether you like it or not!"
"Oh my god!" said Chris scared, "Help! He-!"
Connie then cut off his screams as she pressed her lips agains his.
"You let him go you hussy!" shouted Jillian as she entered the area, "I'm not going to sit here and let you rape Chris! That was how Zack was concieved!"
Back at the dancefloor Zack quickly regained consciousness and stood up.
"Meg, I have this strange feeling that I'm not even related to my father," said Zack.
"So do I," said Meg, "But it's probably nothing."
"You're right," said Zack, "Let's dance."
Back under the bleachers...
"Chris is mine!" said Connie.
Jillian then punches Connie square in the jaw, knocking her out.
"Are you okay, Chris?" asked Jillian.
"Jillian, you saved me!" said Chris, "You DO care!"
"Chris, of course I care!" said Jillian, "You're the father of my children. I couldn't let anything happen to you."
"I guess Connie didn't really love me," said Chris, "Now I'll never get a girl to like me."
"Chris that's not true," said Jillian, "You're a very sweet guy and any girl would be lucky enough to have you."
"Thanks..." said Chris, "I wanted to give this to Connie, but now that she's a bitch, you can have it."
Chris handed Jillian a small box. When she opened it to see a necklace of the holy cross she began to cry.
"What's wrong? You don't like?" asked Chris.
"No, I LOVE it!" said Jillian as she hugged him, "I LOVE the the letter T! Thank you, Chris!"
"Um, you're welcome," said Chris, "I better get going."
"Chris, wait!" said Jillian, "I want to be your date for the dance!"
"Really?" asked Chris, "But I thought..."
"Chris, I don't care what people think any more," said Jillian, "I've now come to realize that I love you!"
"But it feels wierd thought," said Chris, "I mean, you're an adult."
"I guess," said Jillian, "But there are other worse couples out there in the world. I mean, c'mon! Shego and Kim Possible? And it's not like we're going to do this in public either."
"I guess," said Chris, "Would you like to have this dance, Jillian?"
"Why I'd be honored," said Jillian as walked away from under the bleachers hand in hand.
Back on the dancefloor, Zack and Meg are dancing closely with each other.
"I'm telling you, I'm just fine," said Zack.
"I still smell a little achohol in your breath," said Meg, "That's why I called my dad to be your designated driver."
Peter then walks into the gymnasium wearing nothing but a cape!
"Hey Zack, how do you like my costume?" said Peter, "It's casual Superman!"
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF-" shouted Zack.
End Chapter.
Author's Commentary: Not my best attempt at a chapter since ideas are becoming more scarce, but I decided to send it in, anyway. Hopefully, the next chapter will make up for it... If I can get a decent enough idea... If anyone has any ideas that could give me a jumpstart, it would be appreciated.