Note: Not all the decisions we make in our lives conscious, sometimes our inner demons win and we all know that Cal is full of them…

Part 37

POV – Cal

Last several days the atmosphere at the office has been tense to say the least. We are in a tough situation and my outburst at the court made everything only worse. In all honesty I had no clue about Mark and Zoe. I mean I knew they used to date, but assumed that it was over, especially since Zoe never mentioned the man. Our affair wasn't planned. It just happened. All there is to do now is to live up the consequences.

The hell will freeze over before I let a revenge of vindictive ex-lover destroy the work of my life. Short-term solution, which will allow us to stay afloat until we solve the question with the IRS, is to launch new large account. Old contacts once again proved to be useful. This morning I had quite a successful meeting with a potential client. It went even better than I expected. I can be one charming son of the bitch, when I put my heart into it. They didn't give the final answer yet, but I'm quite sure it will be in our favor.

On the way to the office I grab a giant cup of coffee, but it is of little use. Lack of sleep is finally kicking in. My eyes feel like being rubbed with sandpaper, but even that does not lower my spirit. Finally I have some good news to share and God knows – we all could use something positive.

Only comforting fact in all the madness was that Gill took some days off. I will do everything in my power to shield her from this.

Several sleepless nights gave me enough time to think and made me realize an undeniable truth.

So plain and simple actually, I have no clue how I missed it before.

I love Gillian.

Always have and always will.

Nothing in the world could change that.

A thought I lost her sent me over the edge. It killed something inside me, I will never be able to redeem. All I could see was her gilded eyes and tender smile. She has this special aura around her, one of soft vulnerability and inner strength. I can't really explain it, but it always takes my breath away.

Zoe and I are the same, all power and control, exploding easily and making rushed decision, but Gillian, she moves in a beat of a completely different drummer.

No doubts, there is a lot of heat with Zoe, but I'm not sure whether it goes beyond that. We will always be connected because of Emily, but our passion reminds more a drug addiction, just the taste triggers an appetite.

A neuroscientific experiment I read about a while ago comes to my mind. A monkey had electrodes attached to the pleasure center of the brains and would continue to press the button that stimulated them until he died, forgoing food and sleep, just pressing the button continuously around the clock. In a way I'm like that monkey - unable to turn off the self-destruction path, which is slowly killing me.

It is sad to admit, but I'm my own worst protagonist. I had a woman I love in my arms and screwed up, big time.

And all because I let my inner demons take over.

Only recently I realized that love is not an abstract concept. Those are feelings based on particular associations. Mother's death made love and suffering an equal terms in my mind.

I am afraid to be happy, fear true happiness like a plague. Whenever I get even remotely close, I do something to destroy it.

Gripping fear that I will lose Gill in one way or another made me distance from her, seek for something to fill the void.

I never felt worthy of her love. Like a thief, who had his dirty paws around a jewel that should have never been his in the first place, roughly tainting its pure beauty.

Jealousy is not something I'm proud of. Although Gill never noticed, I saw the way other men look at her. It only strengthened my conviction that sooner or later she will realize her mistake and find someone else, someone better.

I'm not a good man and this is not a fair situation, but I keep catching myself thinking of her. Where is she? How is she? As much as I want to go and see her, I respect her request for privacy.

Upon entering the office I momentarily notice a change in the atmosphere. The tension lingering in the air is gone. It can mean only one thing.

Gill is back!

I'm not mistaken, because I look her up in a distance talking with Ria.

For a moment I just observe her. She looks tired and vulnerable.

Conflicting emotions are running though me.

I have to pull my act together!

POV – Gill

"What did you want?" Cal's sudden appearance throws me off the balance.

"I … um, we need to talk, luv," a raw, naked emotion is etched on his face. I wonder, if he realizes it is there.

"Let's go to your office," I offer, nodding to Ria that we will finish later. Cal and I exploding all over the place is the last thing anyone needs.

As soon as the doors are closed, we both start to speak at the same time.

"About the IRS…"

"I met Mark…"

Cal's face falls, but next moment he pulls himself together, "How did it go?"

"What do you think?" My chuckle borders on a low-grade hysteria, "By any standards it was no social call."

"You are angry!" Cal concludes with a regret.

"Who told you I'm angry?"

"You did, by every means, but actual speech," Remorse finds its place on man's face, "I will make everything alright, I promise."

"Right, you and Jack have done a great job so far," I'm being pulled towards the edge and it has nothing to do with Mark. Cal's stare is openly invasive and shamefully intimate. His unique trademark I have never been able to resist. He has no right to look at me like that! None whatsoever!

"What Mark did was wrong…" Cal's defense lacks fierceness.

"And that is all there always is. He was wrong and you were right and in the meanwhile everyone else involved in this clash of titans gets slayed," I sigh moving away to sit on the corner of his table, hoping that physical distance will make the fluttering in my stomach disappear.

"You are exaggerating," Cal argues, hands boyishly tucked in the pockets of the suite.

"And if I am? Doesn't make it less true," I swallow hard. Burning longing and heartfelt warmth of his eyes is making it difficult to concentrate.

"You are right!" the surrender surprises me. He takes a step closer and squeezes my shoulders, robbing me the possibility to walk away, "I'm sorry! I really am the biggest jerk in the world! What can I do to make it up to you?"

"You could apologize to Mark," I try to move away, but his arms keep me in place. I flinch seeing same raw emotion taking over his face.

"I will," the promise is loaded with innuendo. I'm not sure whether we are still talking about Mark.

Unguarded emotions he consciously lets me see speak louder than thousand words. So much gentleness and love take my breath away. For a moment we are stuck in a limbo, unable to keep each other gaze, unable to look away.

"Do you still trust me?" The question is soft, clouded by fear of my rejection.

"Cal, please, don't," Unwittingly my tone turns into a pleading.

"Do you still trust me?" He repeats the question with ferocity, even more invading my personal space. The intimacy is making my defenses crumble. I see how important my answer is for him.

"I do trust you…" my voice breaks, making regret filled admittance just barely above a whisper, "I trust you with my life, but not my heart."

The hope that has ignited in me is painful with its intensity.

This is what happens, when I let my guard down!

Losing the edge around the man will be my downfall.

"I will fix it," the burning browns seem suddenly steady with conviction.

POV - Cal

I watch the play of emotions crossing Gill's face. Softening of her features ignites hope, but then they harden again. She tries to shake herself out of my grasp as she stands up. A look of sadness crossing her face makes me loosen my hold on her shoulders.

I watch as her hand wearily brushes light brown lock of hairs behind the ear.

"Please don't… just let me be. Some things can't be fixed," she sighs in a tired voice.

With that she turns and exits my office.

I stare after her, wondering if there truly was no way to repair the damage of my actions.

No!

I refuse to believe it.

Gillian is just angry and tired right now.

I will find a way to make it up to her!

Mother always warned to be careful with desires, because they are loaded with destructive power. Nevertheless, I can't help, but to wish for a miraculous second chance.

POV – Zoe

Ever since this whole mess with Mark started, Cal has distanced himself from me, but I know just the right way to win him back!

Tbc