The Saddest Song
Author's Note: Thanks a lot for all the reviews and answering the question I had posted, nice to have everyone's input. Um, I know it's kind of frustrating to watch them get together and get pulled apart, but I guess that's life sometimes, you'll just have to wait and see.
Chapter 38: I Will Always Love You
Kylie had run off with Jenny after her father peeled out of the parking lot of the old apartment complex. It didn't really seem to phase her all that much, she wasn't comprehending the situation. Peyton suddenly wished she could have that mindset again.
Brooke walked out to her friend who was sitting silently on the banister of the landing.
"If you decide to jump," Brooke directed to the street ten feet below them, "I'm goin with ya."
Peyton laughed at her best friend, wiping at a few stray tears.
"I'm not going anywhere…it's just so hard to keep doing this with him…"
"It's over isn't it?" Brooke's voice was soft and sympathetic towards her friend.
"Yeah…how much of it did you hear?"
"Pretty much all of it…you guys have like Hollywood goodbyes though. I mean seriously, Peyton…the do you remember when we were happy question had me in tears, and his answer," Brooke grabbed at her heart for effect, looking at the blonde sadly. "I'm really sorry it didn't work out…you two break my heart, ya know?"
"It all breaks mine," she took a second to reflect on how many times she had to say goodbye to him over the years, she was surprised she survived it all. "So, enough about my drama, what's up with you and Jake?"
Brooke tried to flash a confused look, but Peyton knew better. "Don't play dumb with me, I know you better than anyone, and I know Jake, I can see the look in your eyes. Brooke, what happened?"
"We've been fighting a lot," she sighed, "And not just since the whole Lucas thing, but before that too. Sometimes we're really good, but other times when we fight he just leaves and doesn't come back at night, and I'm scared," the brunette confessed, leaving Peyton wide-eyed. Brooke was rarely this open with her feelings for the introverted boy who had captured her heart.
"Scared of what?"
"That he doesn't want me anymore…and I love him, so much. He and Jenny are my life, Peyton, and I just don't know what to do if he leaves me. I mean how do you just pick up and move on from a three year relationship where I learned to depend on him so much? What do I do?" Brooke looked so lost and heart broken that it made Peyton hurt for her.
She rarely got to see Brooke so fragile, but there she was, standing in front of her, head over heels in love and in so much pain.
"You need to talk to him, Brooke. Tell him what you told me, that you love him and you don't want him to go anywhere. He'll listen to you…and I don't know what's up with him, I think he's going through some stuff he's having trouble dealing with. Just try to get him to open up a little," Peyton grabbed the brunette's hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze as she hopped down. "I'm gonna take those two with me so you have some time to figure out what you wanna do and I'll have some distraction to keep my mind off everything."
"You gonna be okay?"
"Yeah…you?"
"Yeah, thanks," she wrapped the blonde in a hug which helped them both that day.
- 'If I should stay, I will only be in your way. So I'll go, but I know, I'll think of you each step of the way. And I will always love you, I will always love you' –
Hours later Jake walked through the door, nodding his head at the girl he had spent the last three years with. It tore her down even farther to see him just nod at her, when he used to come in and they'd have a full blown make-out session on the couch, something was definitely wrong between them.
"Jake…"
He rose his eyebrows, indicating for her to talk, but she couldn't. Instead she nodded to the seat next to her for him to sit, but he couldn't.
He knew this was bound to happen, that it was all going to come tumbling down on them.
"I can't," he spoke lowly keeping his eyes on the floor. The house was dark, the TV being the only source of light between them.
"What did I do wrong?" she cried, she felt paralyzed from fear, so terrified that if she went to him he'd only pull away.
"You didn't, you didn't do anything, I'm just…going through some stuff right now, and it's only hurting you, and I can't…I won't have that," he slowly made his way to the couch, sitting a few feet from her. She noticed he would only look at her when he spoke.
"Let me help…you know, I'm really scared that you don't want me anymore, that I don't appeal to you the way I used to…" he laid his hand over hers as soon as the words left her mouth.
"That's not it, at all. I still want you, so much, don't you ever doubt that. I've got a lot going on inside, I don't feel right anymore, none of this feels right, and I saw someone about all this. The doctor said I was probably going through some type of depression right now, and it's just gonna take me some time to get past. I'm just in a really dark place and I don't know how to get out of it. But I still want you, I still need you, but I can't watch you hurt the way you have been. You know that I love you too much to watch you go through this with me. So, I'm gonna give you the apartment for a little while, I need to figure my life out, but I'm not leaving you. I'll still be around, I just can't do all of this full time right now," he tried to explain what he was feeling the best that he could, but he knew it was nearly impossible to understand unless she was going through it.
"What about Jenny?" her tears fell down her cheeks, and from that question he knew he would never be able to put into words how much he loved her for everything she had done regarding the one thing that meant the most to him – his daughter.
"I can take her with me, but I don't think I'm gonna be a very good dad for her right now."
"Would you let her stay with me?"
"I'd like that…she loves you, Brooke. You've been a mother to her in every way, and it's amazing that you just gave it all up for us like that, by choice. I love you for that," she smiled at him through her glassy eyes.
"You're not pulling a Lucas on me are you? I don't think I'm strong enough to do that…"
"No, I'm gonna be around, you're still my girl and I still love you…I'm just…I'm so fucked up right now and everything feels so off…but I will always be here."
- 'Bitter-sweet memories, that is all I am taking with me. So goodbye, please don't you cry, cause we both know I'm not what you need' –
Haley knocked lightly on the door to Peyton's apartment, and when the blonde answered looking utterly exhausted, Haley already knew.
"Hey, um, I just wanted to see if you wanted to do something for dinner…Nathan had some basketball thing and I really wasn't in the mood to join him. And I figured maybe you could use some company."
Peyton took a step back, pulling the door along with her.
"Okay, on one condition," the brunette rose her eyebrows, indicating Peyton to continue, "Don't treat me like a pity case this time, Haley. I'm gonna be fine, I just need some distraction to keep my mind off it is all."
Haley nodded at her friend, she understood, but she also saw right through the masquerade. Instead of calling her out, she chose to do as her best friend asked, and didn't say a word about the façade.
"So, pizza?" Peyton suggested, looking back to see Haley observing the picture of the two blondes that sat so openly on the table.
"Oh…um…" the blonde searched for any words to explain the events of the past two days, but she couldn't find a way to explain it to her best friend that didn't make her sound like some cheap whore.
"We don't have to talk right now, just, don't hold it all in, Peyton. You're gonna have to dish it all out eventually, all of it, just don't hold it and let it hurt you," Haley seemed to be pleading with her she realized, and it hurt. It suddenly hurt to see her friend so worried about her well being.
"Look, I will. I just…every time he leaves we go through the same thing, Haley, I'm kinda sick of the cycle," her voice was cold and distant, more so than any other time Haley noticed.
"Because, look at what you do to yourself, Peyton. You push, you push so hard, you freeze us all out every time he leaves, it's not good –"
"Who are you to say what's good for me? Honestly, you don't know everything, especially not with this. You have no idea what happened over the last few days between Lucas and I –"
"And how is that my fault? That's you, maybe if you would open up a little bit I could help –"
"Maybe I don't need the fucking help, Haley. I can do this on my own, you keep thinking I'm this weak person, get your head out of your ass, and take a look at me. I'm strong…a hell of a lot stronger than you, so why don't you go home to perfect husband who isn't even home half the time and go watch your sitcoms!" Peyton snapped, but she didn't know why. She didn't know why she was suddenly taking it all out on this innocent girl who had wanted nothing more than to help.
"Fine! You wanna push me away? Go for it, you wanna live your life alone? Have fun, but don't you dare insult my marriage, Peyton. At least I fight for what I want, I don't push it all away in fear…and maybe you are stronger than me, but then maybe you're weaker too. At least I'm strong enough to tell people I feel things, I tell people when I'm hurt or scared…what do you do? You sit and tell everyone you're great, you're FAKE, Peyton, you are. And I'm sorry it had to be me to tell you all of this, but you needed someone to knock you out of the little fantasy world you're living in. Welcome to the real world, you've managed to alienate everyone who wanted to help, have a nice night, Peyton!" Haley slammed the door shut behind her, not glancing back for a second.
"Mommy? Where'd Aunt Hawey go?" Kylie had always had a problem with her l's and r's, it always made Peyton smile when she heard the mispronunciation of common words, even after all she had just gone through she smiled at her little girl.
"She just…she forgot she left some food on the stove at home and didn't want it to burn," the water in Peyton's eyes didn't go unnoticed by her slightly older niece.
"Why're you crying?" Jenny looked at her aunt quizzically.
"I burnt my finger on the stove a few seconds ago, no big deal. Why don't you guys go play and I'll order us some pizza, pizza good?"
"Yeah!" the two shouted in unison, racing back to Kylie's bedroom. She wished it were still that simple.
- 'But I will always love you, I will always love you. I hope life treats you kind, and I hope you have all you dream of. I wish you joy, and happiness, but above all this I wish you love' –
Jake rummaged through a few of his drawers, taking the essentials to stuff in a duffel bag that sat a few feet away. Brooke sniffled a few times from her position against the door jam, she hadn't realized how soon he was leaving, or how much it would hurt watching him. And she knew she had a great admiration for Peyton for doing this time and time again.
"I guess that's it," he took one final glance around the room before lifting the bag to sling over his strong shoulder.
"I'm gonna miss you," she whispered, feeling so small beside him.
"Hey, we're going to see each other, no doubt about it. You're my best friend, how could I not see you?" he winked at her, making a smile appear for a few moments.
"Are you gonna go say goodbye to Jen?"
"Yeah, that's where I'm headed…actually I was kind of hoping you wouldn't mind letting me take her for tonight…I really need to spend some time with her to explain this to her, and I figure it'd be nice to have a night with her," he shrugged, shutting the light off to their bedroom. They both walked to the front door where she opened her mouth to answer him.
"She's your daughter, Jake, of course you can have her."
"She's as much mine as she is yours now, Brooke. So what if she doesn't have your blood, that doesn't matter, it never has. And look…I think this is totally unfair of me, but I can't leave here without asking…it might be selfish, and I don't expect anything from you, it's just…I mean are you willing to wait for me? I can't give you any guaranteed amount of time, it's going to be a while, but –"
"You never had to ask, Jake."
- 'And I will always love you, I will always love you, yes I will always love you, I will always love you' –
Jake took a tentative step into Peyton's apartment, finding the blonde sitting on a kitchen chair in the dark, an eerie glow shown from the light above the stove. He walked in confused, setting his bag down just by the doorway.
"Peyton?"
She looked up startled to see Jake looking at her strangely.
"Hey…have a seat?" she offered, which he took, sitting backwards on the chair to face her.
"What's going on?"
"Wallowing in my self pity…thinking about what a bitch I've been. Ya know, the norm," she inhaled a deep breath of the stale air, watching his reactions.
"What happened now?"
"I dunno, I flipped on Haley. Lucas left again, and every time he does she walks in saying the same thing about talking…and just for some reason it bothered me so I yelled at her and made some bitchy comments about Nathan and stuff and she came right back and left…but the truth is…" Peyton's voice suddenly dropped to a very soft and quiet tone, "…she was right about all of it. I do push people away, and I'm gonna be alone, I'm gonna be all alone, Jake," suddenly the tears began to pour out much quicker than she had intended. He took her in his arms the best he could from his position on the chair, patting her back for reassurance.
"You will not be alone, I promise you that. You're gonna find someone who will love you…whether it be someone new or on the off chance it does end up being Lucas you will find someone. And Haley will forgive you, Peyton, I can promise you that too –"
"You don't know that," she sobbed, "she's my best friend…I mean, well Brooke is too, but you know what I mean. She's my best friend, and I was such a bitch, and I don't think she can forgive me for that," Jake made sure to keep her close, realizing just how lost and broken she actually was, for the first time he saw it.
"Yes, she can. We went through this before, she loves you, Peyton. Your flaws and all, as does Brooke. Those two girls love you more than life itself, you just push too hard. Stop pushing, try pulling?" she looked up at him, wondering if maybe that was some of the most valuable advice she'd received in years.
"How'd you get all smart?"
"I think being a father does something to you," he joked. He stood from the chair, watching her repeat his actions he wiped away a few tears that still remained.
"What's with the duffel bag?"
"Uh, Brooke and I are kind of on a break thing…" Peyton's smile subsided quicker than he imagined, and before he could register her change in demeanor there was a threatening look in her eyes. "Hey, whoa, chill out. I didn't hurt her, not purposely. I've been seeing a doctor recently, I'm going through…a bout of depression I guess you'd call it. I just can't do all of this right now, so I'm gonna let Brooke take the apartment while I concentrate on getting better. She's gonna take Jenny, we're going to be okay. I'm not leaving her," he defended.
"How was she?"
"I dunno, not so good I don't think. But there was nothing I could do, she wouldn't let me. So, I'm just here to grab Jen for the night and then I'm outta your way," he called her name, receiving an answer that told him to wait.
"We don't need another Lucas here, Jake," Peyton warned, watching him smile.
"You know, that's freaky. Brooke said pretty much the same thing to me…I'm not leaving her, Peyton, I'm really not. I'm gonna be around, I just need some time, she knows that," the blonde nodded at him, watching Jenny come running from her daughter's room.
"Hey, Jen, me and you are headed out for the night…we've got some stuff to do," he winked at his little girl, watching her smile light up the room was the biggest reward for him every day.
"Just me and you?"
"Just me and you," he reassured her, Peyton saw right then how much the little girl adored her father, she wondered how much his lack of presence would affect her in years to come.
"See ya tomorrow, Kylie," Jenny smiled at her friend/cousin, then launched herself into her aunt's arms.
"Thanks for the food and stuff, Aunt Peyton," Peyton smiled, kissing the little girl on the cheek.
"Anytime, babe," the four waved goodbye, and the older woman knew she now had to concentrate on fixing things with Haley and helping Brooke through what she had gone through numerous times.
"So, kiddo, you in the mood to visit Uncle Nathan? I think he just got back," she glanced out her front window watching him lug a few bags from the trunk of his car, "I'm sure you guys could watch some scary movies tonight, I hear some good ones are on."
"Yeah! Can we have ice cweam?" Peyton smiled, nodding her head…she was such a sucker for the three year old.
"But of course you can have ice cream…Uncle Nathan's gonna be the one taking care of you while you're bouncing off the walls," the blonde smiled sweetly at her daughter, laughing as she opened the front door to see the rugged basketball player who had a sore spot for Kylie lifting his large bags up the stairs. He mumbled a slew of curses as he got his finger stuck in between a few straps, and Peyton figured there was no better time to ask him to babysit for the night.
"Hey, Nathan!"
This is sort of a long one compared to some of my other chapters. I hope you liked it, I had to incorporate some Brooke/Jake in there as promised. Also, a Peyton/Haley fight and there's a lot of issues with the three girls that have to get worked out in the next chapter. I'm pretty sure in the next few chapters I'm gonna be jumping a few years so be prepared. Anyway, hope you liked it, REVIEW!