As Ronnie made her way quickly along the corridor away from Danielle's room, placing one leg in front of the other at an increasingly quickening pace, she tried with all of her being to justify her action to herself. But, there were so many things that Ronnie had not considered, her justifications were bound to be futile. Firstly, she had not considered the fact that it was midnight and she was running at full speed along the corridor on a ward caring for many patients, most of whom were probably asleep. In her state she did not think about waking them up. Furthermore, Ronnie had not considered her own weary state; that after a few steps she would not have the energy to continue running at such a speed, that she would have to stop and consider what she was really doing. That she could not simply run.
Most importantly, and intertwined with these other considerations Ronnie had not paid attention to, she had not properly thought about the damage she was doing to both herself and to Danielle, by moving away from her instead of towards her. Once again, it had all become too much for Ronnie; she wasn't enough for Danielle, she told herself. Why would Danielle want to see her anyway? She had sent her away before, why should she presume that she would be welcomed back so easily now?
It was easier, Ronnie thought subconsciously, not to give Danielle the choice. Not to give her the chance to reject her again. Ronnie reasoned that she was simply taking back the control of a parent; that it would be too much to expect Danielle to make that decision in her state anyway, and moreover, that it would be too much for her to be rejected again after all that had happened. Ronnie concluded that it was the best for both of them.
But Ronnie was not thinking straight. Ronnie had not really reasoned her decision to run. She had simply done it, a spur of the moment decision; all of the excuses in her head were just that. Excuses. But despite this truth, Ronnie continued to move at the same lightning speed, puffing and panting her way along the corridor, not taking any notice of where she was really going, just attempting to put as much distance as possible between herself and her daughter.
It was not long before Ronnie had to stop; she leant against the wall and breathing in heavily, tried to get her breath back. Ronnie was not usually an unfit person, but she had been awake for almost three days, and had eaten little in that time, and now the use of so much physical energy was just too much. Ronnie had expelled as much emotional energy as she thought possible over the last few hours, and now she felt completely physically drained as well. Ronnie suddenly thought back to days earlier, when she had chased Danielle through the streets of Walford, trying to catch her, wanting to tell her that she knew, that she believed her; that she loved her more than anything. Ronnie had made a pact that she would give every emotional and physical facet of her existence to get Danielle back. And now she had.
Danielle lay so close, within her grasp, but yet she was still moving further and further. In a flash, Ronnie realised that it was not Danielle moving away; it was her. But she knew Danielle could not chase her, she could not run after her and that made Ronnie feel safe. She wondered why, why it would be such a bad thing to be chased by the one person she wanted to be with for all of time.
Ronnie knew the answer to her question immediately.
Ronnie was safe away from Danielle. Safe in her own ignorance, safe away from wondering if Danielle would ever accept her, safe from finding out whether she would ever be enough for her daughter. Ronnie reassured herself that she was not being selfish, that she was thinking of Danielle before herself. If Danielle did not want to let her into her life then she did not want to force her into that decision; force her to make that awful choice. If she would never be enough to fulfil her daughter's every need then she should not try, for fear of ruining Danielle's life even further.
Ronnie had seen Danielle change over the past few months, and she knew she had done that to her. She loved her more than anything in the world, but sometimes the thing that you love is not the thing that you need. Of course, there was always a choice for Danielle. But the choice was 50/50; there was always a chance that everything would go wrong. Ronnie could not allow for that to happen. Danielle was not strong enough; she was not strong enough and she knew it.
Mixed up in her own thoughts, lost in her own world, wallowing in her own mire of self pity, it took Ronnie a number of seconds to hear her name being called along the corridor. The voice repeated the name over and over, perhaps five times before Ronnie heard, and registered that it was her name being called. It took her just seconds more to realise that the voice was coming from where she had just run, that it belonged to someone who had probably seen her bolt from outside Danielle's room.
Very slowly, her limbs shaking so that it was now extremely difficult to stand up straight, Ronnie began to turn towards the voice. She wanted so much to close her eyes and disappear, for the floor to swallow her up so she would not have to face the owner of the voice, but no such thing would happen and she knew it.
As she reached the end of her 180 degree turn, Ronnie caught the eyes of a nurse, who was shutting the door to Danielle's hospital room carefully as she made her way out into the corridor. Hearing her name one last time, Ronnie realised that the woman's voice had not even been raised that high; that she had only needed the slightest sound to wake her from her previous thoughts. But, she did not want to speak to anyone, to explain herself. She did not want to even think about the real reason behind the decision she had made to run away from Danielle, run away from her own daughter. Now she would forced to justify her decision, even if not to this person, to herself.
Did she have any answers? Ronnie did not know.