Thanks everybody for your feedback. I changed the ending of the last chapter bc you were right. I hope it's better this way. Please keep up the constructive criticism!

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice.

Robert Frost

xxx

Silence filled the dark room as Seth and Spencer stared at each other over the muzzle of the cocked gun.

Spencer's hands were shaking, his whole body wracked by tremors, but his eyes were blazing.

Seth's stomach dropped as he stared up at him with his breath held, his whole body tensing at the realization that Spencer was determined and ready to shoot him.

Shoot to kill.

It wasn't an empty threat, he could see that, could see the fire in the other's eyes, the sheer pain and fury and desperation fueling his actions.

He knew it was beyond audacious to be shocked or even feel as hurt as he did- he was well aware he deserved death in a hundred ways. He just hadn't thought Spencer would-

In that moment he really wanted laugh at his own stupidity. Now matter how rational he'd told himself he was being until now...he'd been so blind...

He'd fooled himself into thinking that Spencer's pain and resentment would fade in time, that he would be able to break his fall.

Looking at him now, he didn't know how he could not have realized how irreparably broken Spencer was, held together only by threads, by sheer desperation, anymore.

He'd destroyed the only person he cared about in the world. The only thing that mattered.

In that moment, he wanted to die.

"Spencer..." he whispered, his voice cracking.

He didn't know what he meant to say...there were no words or actions-

He could have told him it was okay, told him to do it and hope it would make something right. But even in the moment he contemplated it, he knew it wouldn't. He knew that as little as Spencer would ever want to admit it, a large portion of his pain was caused by the loss of Seth as someone he trusted and cared for.

Shooting him now would mean losing the last person he had, someone he needed desperately, loved even maybe. It would leave Spencer with nothing and no one to hold him back from falling over the edge completely. He would be completely destroyed, with no one to pick up the pieces. He'd most likely go through with killing himself then.

That thought was enough to let Seth come to a decision. He needed to stop him.

Spencer would not die, not even over his dead body.

He could see that the young man was struggling, his finger trembling on the trigger, his breaths coming harshly; he was clearly fighting with himself.

It was all the hesitation he needed.

"Spencer," Seth moved up his palm in a show of surrender, trying to keep his face blank, "don't. It won't bring you peace. It'll only make it hurt more."

He did his best to push down the petty swell of satisfaction when Spencer faltered, clearly anything but indifferent about killing him. There were tears brimming in his eyes, hot and desperate. For a moment, Seth thought that his voice and gaze would be enough to deter his lover, to make him realize he couldn't do this after all -but it seemed he had underestimated Spencer's pain.

"Not for long," he breathed, never losing his aim.

Seth's heart clenched at the confirmation that he'd been right.

If Spencer shot him now he wouldn't wait long to follow him. It might have been merciful to let him do it, might have been the one right thing to do...but Seth couldn't even consider it. He didn't care what it made him, that he would surely burn for it someday. He didn't care if he'd have to become even more despicable, manipulative, cruel, selfish...it didn't matter much anymore anyway, did it?

He didn't hesitate for a second.

"If you do it," he said quietly, leaving no doubt that he knew what Spencer was saying, "your friends will have died for nothing. They gave their lives to save yours. Kill yourself and that will have been in vain."

He forced himself not to cringe when realization flickered over Spencer's face, his features crunching up in first shock, and then undiluted pain. For a terribly long moment he just stared at him, tears streaming from eyes so full of hurt and betrayal that Seth almost wanted him to pull that trigger just to escape. By the time the gun fell from Spencer's shaking hands, a low, keening sound like that of a hurt animal escaping him, Seth knew this was almost as bad as everything else he'd ever done to Spencer. He'd taken his last source of strength, his last escape.

His heart ached in his chest with that knowledge. In retrospect, he didn't know anymore how he could have ever thought he'd be able t fix their relationship, that Spencer would get over what he'd remembered...he'd just been too damn stubborn, hoping against hope that he could do it, first by trying to convince Spencer of his feelings and regrets, then, by simply forcing him to.

Of course it hadn't worked, wouldn't have worked no matter how long he would have kept the kid chained to a bed...it had been insane to hope it would.

Seeing Spencer now, completely falling apart above him, finally opened his eyes to it though. There was no salvaging this, no bringing back the way they had been. It was back to how it had been before...no, worse. A thousand times worse.

He blinked out of his reverie when Spencer struggled to get off the bed, still looking completely destroyed as he, swaying, made his way to the door, out of the room. Seth just stared after him, not finding the words to call after him. He knew he'd said enough for a lifetime.

He didn't know where the kid was going...if he even knew. He probably just needed to not be where he was. He wouldn't kill himself; that at least Seth was relatively sure of and while it made his gut twist with guilt, it also left him able to breathe with relief.

Seth gave himself a whole five minutes to just lie there, alternating between self loathing and grim relief, then he began to work on the handcuffs.

Xxx

Spencer didn't know where he got the strength to stumble out of that building. All he knew was that he couldn't stay there with Seth, with...everything.

He barely watched where he was going, tears still obscuring his view, blood rushing in his ears. Between the adrenaline still rushing through him from what he'd almost just done and his chest aching like an open wound, he felt dizzy.

Nothing...he had nothing left to do.

He couldn't take revenge, couldn't kill Seth...and he couldn't escape this pain. Seth had made sure of it. He sunk against the house wall, breathing in and out sharply, fighting not to once again space out and allow his body to shut off his mind to escape.

He couldn't...couldn't stay here, where Seth was... blinking, he stared at the empty street in front of him. It was dark and deserted. The car was there...but the keys were upstairs with Seth- no. No, he wouldn't go back up there. He wouldn't get into that car...the one against which Seth had pushed him during their first kiss- No.

He turned away sharply, forcing himself to move again, stumbling along the street and into the darkness. It didn't matter where he'd end up, as long as it was somewhere far away.

Xxx

Three days.

It had been three days since Spencer had run from the hotel room and vanished into thin air. His absence was like a physical pain, a hole in his life. He wasn't prepared for how hard being alone hit him...it left him as barely a shadow of who he'd been.

He searched for Spencer. Without success.

Seth had no idea how he'd managed to vanish like this in his state, without a plan, a coat, or money...he'd had virtually nothing on him that night.

His stomach clenched every time at the thought that something might have happened to the young man, but as often as he asked around while looking through the town, he never heard of any deaths or grave injuries.

So he kept on looking, refusing to leave the city even though it was becoming riskier and riskier to do so. People were aware of the man he'd killed, the police had gone around asking questions and he'd barely evaded them. He knew he wasn't being careful, that he wasn't thinking clearly, but he couldn't help it.

All he could think about was Spencer, that he had to find him. No matter what.

He knew that Spencer had either long hitched a ride out of here or was hiding away somewhere in the city somehow in order to evade him. It didn't matter.

He had to see him, make sure he was alive. Anything beyond that, he refused to think about.

He should have left.

He realized that at the latest when another one of Joe's men turned up. He'd been sent to find out what had happened to his predecessor. Or so Seth thought. He didn't ask many questions, merely followed the man and slit his throat in a back alley with the same knife he'd used on the first man.

He knew he needed to leave, that Joe would just grow suspicious and send more men...that the police would eventually start looking harder into these murders. It didn't change anything, he kept roaming the streets looking for Spencer, not caring about anything else.

Xxx

Spencer wasn't sleeping.

He didn't even try anymore.

It was bad enough trying to suppress the gruesome memories haunting him while he was awake.

He hadn't even tried to leave...he was as bad, if not worse than he had been just after his memory loss when it came to being around people and he had little hope that he would find someone to hitch a ride from. Being in a car with someone...or worse a crowded bus made him tremble with horror.

Not that he would have had anywhere to go. He could not go home. To his mother, or JJ or Garcia. What would he tell them about where he'd been? How the others had died? How would he look them in the eye and confess his shame?

No, he had no right to even ask them for forgiveness.

He didn't want it. He deserved this pain, going through it alone...that much at least Seth had been right about. He could not just kill himself. It would make Hotch, Elle and Gideon's sacrifice pointless...and it would be much to easy.

That left him with nothing. With the little money he'd had in his pockets he'd rented the cheapest motel room he could find and had holed himself up in there. It was pointless obviously. Soon enough he would run out of money, or Seth would find him.

Had he had the energy he would have at least gone to another city to make sure he never had to see the man again. He didn't. He refused to think about the reasons.

Sometimes he managed to tell himself it wouldn't matter anyway. If Seth wanted to find him he would find him anywhere. He was in no shape to outwit an obsessed ex con. Seth had been smart, making sure he was completely dependent on him, leaving him stranded in a city the name of which he didn't even know, with no papers, no money, no transportation...just the desert and people who didn't understand him.

It was worse when he had to admit to himself that maybe, just maybe, he wanted Seth to find him.

Either way, find him, he did.

And he was by far not the only one.

Okay, I swear, next chapter there'll be action.

Please review :)