This Army Life
By Nicolle

Note 1: This episode only vaguely has a plot. If you can identify one, go you! It's really all about the brownies. Mmmmm... Brownies...
Note 2: OOC-ness ahead!
Note 3: The 'We Love Giles Club' will have its first meeting on the seventh. During which, Sephiroth may show up... if only to destroy the infestation.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix (until they sell their souls again). The 'People's Elbow' belongs to The Rock. The idea for this one comes from Beta #2, Sarah!

Episode 38: A Bad Day Gets Worse

The three Wutai ninjas stood before Lord Godo nervously.

"How goes our secret operations to invade through the Cosmo Canyon?"

"Uh, they don't, Sir."

Godo blinked. "What?" He looked at the three. "That operation was enacted months ago. Shinra knew nothing of it! Was a contingent of Shinra's army there to meet you?"

"No. The army wasn't there. We came into the canyon to take it and General Sephiroth was there."

"With how many people?"

"It was just him, sir."

"And he wasn't happy," the second ninja volunteered.

"We had an army of hundreds for this operation! Are you three all that's left?"

"Yes, sir," all three said.

Godo put his head in his hands. "How much materia did he use?"

The ninjas shifted and looked at each other. "Uh, none, sir. He just pulled out that sword of his and well..."

"Oh dear Ancients."

The third ninja started screaming. "WE NEVER HAD A CHANCE! HE KILLED BOBBY! HE KILLED BOBBY! BOBBYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

The guards came forward and dragged the poor, foaming boy away.

"We have received a message from the priestess on the front, m'lord." A messenger ran forward and handed a sealed envelope to Lord Godo.

He popped it open and read the contents.

My Lord Godo,Please halt all operations for the next two weeks.
President Shinra has done something that involves Sephiroth and a dress.
-Meda

"Son of a..."

Back in Midgar
Sephiroth stood in front of the elevators, staring at the door in supreme concentration. Zack peeked over his shoulder, which was an interesting feat since it involved Zack standing on his toes. Sephiroth's eyebrow twitched.

"Elevator out?"

"God damn Shinra." Sephiroth stalked over to the stairs and pounded his way up.

"If you keep walking like that, you're going to end up with shin splints."

"If you keep talking, you're going to end up with your shins split."

Zack shrugged and mosied behind The General. They made it up forty flights of stairs only to get bowled over by Number Two and Number Six on a leash.

"Seph! Seph! Wait! Don't go up there!" Number Two came to a dead stop and leaned forward to catch his breath. Number Six jumped up on Zack and licked at his face.

Sephiroth, ignoring Zack's pleas to be saved from a slobbery death, looked at his second, and therefore mostly sane, clone. "What's going on? Does this have to do with the elevator being out?"

"No, the elevator didn't pass inspection," Two said off-handedly. "You really don't want to go up there."

"Why?"

"I swear that Number One is handling it."

"Brother or not, if you don't tell me what's going on, I will tell Six that you need some exercise."

Number Six stopped licking Zack and turned his head. "Seffffffffffffffffffffffffeeeeeeeeeeeeroth!"

Two's eyes bugged behind his glasses. "Oh please no..."

Scarlet, appearing out of thin air, looked over Two's horrified shoulder. "Hey Seph. You know, you look really good in a dress."

Sephiroth grabbed Two's lab coat and lifted him. "Start talking."

"Hojo-gave-Thirteen-a-growth-serum."

Scarlet smiled, big, with lots of teeth. "Number One has Heidigger held at bay, but Shinra the Elder --" She didn't get out the last of the sentence before Sephiroth was gone. Two fell onto Zack and Six, and the three tumbled down the stairs.

Sephiroth shoved the door to President Shinra's office open and stopped dead. Thirteen, who now had the body of an eighteen year old, sat in a prim little green dress with a look that could kill on her face.

"Woah. She's hot," Rufus said. "Huge tracks of -- umph!"

After elbowing him in the stomach, Sephiroth picked Shinra the Younger up and tossed him down the hall. Dusting off his hands, he went into the Prersident's office. Thirteen saw her big brother and dashed into his arms.

"Please take me back to the lab! I don't want to be up here!"

Shinra the Elder was pouring whiskey in two glasses. He turned to hand a drink to Thirteen when Sephiroth shoved her behind him.

"Hello, President Shinra. Committing statutory today?"

The President, unflustered, set the glasses down. "Your father loaned me the services of your sister this afternoon."

"Services?"

"Hojo wants more funding," Thirteen said.

Sephiroth unsheathed Masamune. "You're a dead man, Shinra." He advanced on the President. "Take heart that you won't be going alone. Hojo will be following you shortly."

The President's eyes bugged out. "The girl is old enough to make her own decisions."

"Thirteen, regardless of what Hojo has done to her, is eight years old!"

"Yes, well, what?"

Sephiroth took a step forward and froze when Thirteen screamed. He turned to see her punch Palmer hard enough to break his nose and send him flying down the hall.

"Don't touch me!"

He grabbed her shoulder to stop her from running after the moron. "Well, you've been paying attention to Number One's martial arts lessons." He propped Masamune on his shoulder and popped open his phone. "Tseng? I'd like to call in a favor. Rough up the President for me." Holding his kid sister clone's hand, he walked out of the office and over to Palmer, who lay at the top of the stairs.

"The elevator's out, Palmer. Time to take a trip down the stairs."

Rufus watched The General use Masamune to prod Palmer down the stairs. He mosied into his father's office. "I love how you can take a problem and make it a feature."

"That was Sephiroth taking a problem and making it a feature. What are you doing off the front?"

"Scaring the hell out of you."

Tseng came into the office, Elena in tow. He dropped his suit jacket on the back of a chair and rolled his sleeves up. "All right, what am I roughing you up for?"

"He was trying to get clone number Thirteen drunk," Rufus said helply.

Elena's eyes blazed. "You were attempting to seduce a child!" Elena suddenly did her best impression of Chaos and leapt for the President. Rude and Reno were suddenly ring side with commentary:

Reno: It's a gorgeous day in Midgar and we have an incredible fight for you today!

Rude: That's right. Today we have President Shinra versus Turk Elena!

Reno: The bell has already wrung and our daring fighters have already started the pommelling! Elena, who currently looks like something out of Shinra Mansion's basement, is kicking the President in the kidneys.

Rude: The president doesn't look like he's going to take this! He grabs Elena's foot and swings her into the picture window!

Reno: But that's hurricane glass she hits and Elena drops to the floor.

Rude: It looks like President Shinra has decided against fair play! He's pushing that huge desk in order to crush the newbie Turk!

Elena: I AM NOT A N00B!

Reno: Elena jumps over the desk before it hits the window. The glass spiderwebs, but holds!

Rude: Elena has grabbed Shinra by the throat and looks to be ready to toss him across the room!

Reno: The President, in a daring move, cops a feel!

Rude: And gets a swift kick to the groin! Shinra is on the floor!

Reno: And now for the coup de gras! Elena swings across the ropes from the left, to the right! She stops in the middle, does a mighty kick and lands the People's Elbow into Shinra's face!

Tseng grabbed Elena's hand, raising it into the air. "And the winner is: Elena!"

Thunderous applause erupted from the crowd gathered in the hall way. Elena did a victory dance over the President's unconscious body.

Down In the Lab...

While an intern tried various methods of putting the bits cut off of Palmer back on, Hojo stood with his back against a mako chamber, Masamune in his face.

"I need more funding!"

"You need to have your head separated from your neck, Hojo. I happen to have just the right instrument with which to do it." Sephiroth put the sword to the good doctor's neck.

"What if I apologize?"

Sephiroth froze. "What?"

"To Thirteen, for putting her through this."

"Thirteen?"

Now tall enough to do so, she looked over her brother's shoulder. "Kill him!"

Sephiroth prepared. "All right."

"Wait!"

"Hurry it up, will you? I want to watch Elena beat the crap out of your boss."

"Do I get a last request?"

"Thirteen?"

"Nope."

"You heard the lady." Sephiroth smiled.

"You won't get any more Ancient Day presents!"

Thirteen huffed. "Don't kill him."

Sephiroth looked at her. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'd rather have presents." She looked at Hojo. "I want to be my age again, or I'll let big brother have you."

"Done and done."

Back at Camp
"So why were we at HQ?"

Sephiroth shrugged. "I don't know. Elena has the President broken into several different pieces, so I don't knnow why he summoned us."

Rufus handed Sephiroth a piece of paper. "Actually, he wanted to give you the information for a new, and unusual, recruit."

Sephiroth read the paper as he walked into his tent. "What's this about a--"

"Monkey!" Zack screamed. He drew the Buster Sword. "So, Monkey, we meet again."

Sephiroth looked at Zack as he and monkey began to circle. "Where the hell is the monkey from?"

Zack readied the Buster Sword. "He was my roommate in college."

"You didn't go to college. You were in the military academy with me!"

Zack, unheeding, leapt at the monkey. The monkey howled and leapt at Zack for an epic battle to end all battles.

"Where the hell did the monkey come from!" Sephiroth looked down at the paper and read it again. "Oh."

Suddenly the fighting stopped as the smell of brownies wafted through the camp. Giles came out of the mess with a mouth watering pan of chocolate goodness.

"Oh dear Ancients, he actually cooked something good. Give me a brownie, Giles. I can hardly take much more of this."

Giles doled out brownies to officers. "They're my very best recipe!"

While everyone chowed down, Zack looked at his. "Uh, Giles? What's this white stuff?"

"Porkchop!"

"Porkchop?"

Everyone stopped eatting.

"Yeah! It's just not brownies without porkchops."

The monkey attacked Giles.