Chapter Thirty-Five: Valuable Bonding Time

Kate

"Can Hannah come back to life yet?"

Deidara lay on the floor in Aram's living room looking depressed and miserable. His blond hair seemed to have lost its fluff and his blue eyes seemed more dead than psychotic. Poor Deidara. The rest of us weren't much better. Zetsu seemed to be turning a little brownish around the edges and Tobi lost some of his stupidity (which according to Dessie might have been a good thing). Hidan and Dessie hadn't made sacrifices in days. Zetsu didn't have therapeutic plants to take care of. Leader was traumatized by the loss of control. Konan was constantly exhausted. The only person who seemed to be completely unaffected was Kakuzu (who was still celebrating the money he made from the host club task).

"I want to go home," said Hidan. "I don't even care about bringing that girl back – what was her name? Just bring me home! Fuck!"

"Hannah!" Dessie snapped, whacking Hidan over the head.

"Hannah needs to be here," I said. "She doesn't even know I'm pregnant."

The Akatsuki were sitting in the living room, moping. Dessie was sitting on Itachi's lap (he didn't look too pleased about that) between Kakuzu and Hidan. Deidara was sprawled out on the floor at their feet. I was sitting on the couch (There are some perks to being pregnant; people have to move and let you have the seat. Either that or you get your giant blue boyfriend to move them – thanks Deidara!). Kisame sat beside me with Konan on his other side. On the third couch Sasori, Tobi, Leader, and Zetsu squeezed together to fit. Madara decided he was too cool for couches and sat on the floor proudly.

"I want to leave," said Sasori.

"We need to save Hannah," said Zetsu.

"She can save herself," said Hidan (cue Dessie whacking him over the head).

"Tobi is tired. But Tobi loves Hannah-Nunu. Tobi doesn't know what to do."

"Quit talking in third person," said Madara.

"That would help everyone, uhn."

"Hn."

"Itachi thinks that since we've come this far we might as well finish," translated Kisame.

"This is going to kill us!" cried Leader. "The humiliation! The pure humiliation! How will we survive! How! Tell me! How!"

"Look out," said Dessie. "Leader's having a meltdown."

"I have the solution."

We all turned to see Aram, standing at the entrance to the living room, holding a crate of beer on his shoulder. He grinned. "There's more in back."

"Fuck yeah," said Hidan, hopping to his feet and taking the alcohol from Aram. He set the box on the floor and ripped it opened. He picked up a beer for himself, tore it open with his teeth, and chugged down as much as he could in one go.

"Don't forget me!" cried Dessie, grabbing her own beer as Hidan reached for another.

"That's not fair, uhn!" Deidara leapt across the room. "No seconds before everyone else has had firsts!"

"Then hurry the fuck up!" snapped Hidan.

"I want to get wasted too!" cried Kisame. He paused halfway across the room and glanced back at me. "Can I get you anything?"

"I'm pregnant," I said gloomily. "I can't drink."

"You poor unfortunate soul," said Zetsu before getting to his feet and grabbing himself some alcohol.

Soon the entire Akatsuki were drinking their suffering – except me. Pregnancy is a bitch sometimes.

"This s-oo-cks, uhn!" cried Deidara. He was sitting on top of the coffee table, finishing ogg his sixth bottle. "Why can't I ever be happy? No – no no no no no no no no! And you know who'e fault it i', uhn?" Do you!"

"We have a guess," muttered Zetsu.

"Wrong! It' all hi' fault. Kaka-oo-oo!" Deidara pointed fiercely at Kakuzu.

"Kaka-oo-oo?" I repeated blankly.

"That' right. Kaka-oo-oo i' n-oo-thing b-oo-t an a'hole!"

"It's like he's speaking a whole 'nother language," said Dessie in awe.

"Hn." (I couldn't tell if Itachi was agreeing with Dessie or telling her to get off his lap).

"Kaka-oo-oo is a 'hit," said Deidara.

"A hit?" asked Konan. "Isn't that a good thing?"

"How is being a 'hit a g-oo-d thing!" cried Deidara.

"I think he means 'shit'," said Leader, sipping his beer patiently.

"Oh." Konan turned back to Deidara. "Yeah, Kaka-oo-oo is a shit."

"This whole Kakuzu-Is-The-Devil thing is getting old," said Kakuzu, yawning. "Can we move on to something else?"

"Madara is the devil?" Dessie asked.

"I like that one," said Kisame.

"What I don' ge'," said Deidara, ignoring the topic change. "I' why we're 'till 'aying Kaka-oo-oo and Hannah are da'ing when we all know it' only for convenience and because 'he ha' 'arma'ophobia. What the fuck!"

"Deidara's inability to talk is amusing," said Sasori.

Kakuzu smiled (scary!). "That's what you know."

Deidara fell off the coffee table. I'm not kidding. With that striking piece of news, Deidara just pitched backwards, hit his head on the leg of the table, and fell to the ground unconscious. Wow. I have to say, I was impressed. I didn't think that was really possible.

"It's nice to know that disturbance is over with," said Aram.

"I thought it was funny," said Dessie.

"Hn." (I'm pretty this time Itachi was really telling Dessie to get off his lap or he would do something horrible to her).

Konan got up from her seat and grabbed another beer (Aram had brought out more). She sat on the ground by the alcohol (save her the trip back). "I thought drunk Deidara was amusing."

"It's a good thing he passed out," said Leader. "Otherwise you might have started making out with him."

Konan glared at Leader. "You're still going n about that. I've never made out with Deidara."

"Yeah, but you're a kissing fiend when you're drunk." Leader crossed his arms and looked away.

Kisame leaned over and whispered to me. "I think Konan and Leader should just hurry up and get together."

I nodded. "They'd be so cute!"

"And Hidan and Dessie," said Kisame thoughtfully.

I hesitated. "Of course."

"How should we get them together? Maybe we should lock them in a closet together and leave them there for a month."

"We'd both be dead."

Kisame and I spun around to see Dessie's face. She had crept up behind our couch and was standing there, her chin hooked over the back of the sofa.

"How long have you been listening!" I cried.

"Since the beginning. Though I do agree Leader and Konan would be adorable – me and Hidan? It isn't happening."

"You two are perfect!" cried Kisame.

"Not. Happening."

"What's not happening?" shouted Hidan from the other side of the room.

"You and me!"

Hidan laughed drunkenly. "That's the funniest thing I've heard all day! That even beats Kaka-oo-oo!"

Kakuzu flipped Hidan off.

"Exactly!" shouted Dessie. "We're both so over it!"

"Definitely!"

"So why was Dessie so jealous at the host club?" asked Zetsu.

Dessie paused and turned to glare at the plant man. "What happened to being our beloved, pure plant?"

"We're just pointing out a fact," said Zetsu.

"Well," I said. "Dessie was kind of jealous over everyone. Hidan, Sasori, Madara, Tobi… She was more pissed at Deidara than anything else."

"Who'd be jealous over those idiots!" cried Dessie, standing up straight and glowering down at me. "Hidan is a fucking religious idiot. Madara is a bloodthirsty bastard. Tobi is… Tobi. Deidara is a fucking pyromaniac. And Sasori… well, Sasori is awesome. I'll be jealous over him any time."

Sasori rolled his eyes and continued drinking his beer.

"What did Tobi do!"

"Shut up, Tobi."

"I think it's funny Dessie was jealous over me," said Madara, leaning back in his seat on the couch. "First Kate and now Dessie – I'm just that sexy."

CRASH!

Broken glass everywhere.

Dessie decided to throw her broken bottle at Madara's head. He dodged it easily and the bottle hit the wall behind him and shattered into a million pieces.

"Don't destroy my house!" wailed Aram.

"This is your fault!" cried Dessie, pointing at Madara.

"Mine? How does that work? You're the idiot who threw the bottle."

"You shouldn't have dodged!"

Madara stared at Dessie for a moment, debating if it was worth arguing with her. Then, he shrugged and drank some more beer.

"No! No!" cried Dessie, leaping over the couch and storming over to grab Madara by the collar of his shirt. She practically lifted him out of his seat – he drank some more beer – and shook him violently. "You're supposed to yell at me and then I yell at you and you yell back and we get into a giant yelling fight where you throw your beer at me and I throw another beer at you and soon we destroy the entire box of beer and everyone gets pissed at us because they can't get drunk anymore! Don't you know anything!"

Madara stared at Dessie and took another drink of his beer. "That's a waste of good alcohol."

"Arg!" Dessie dropped Madara back into his seat and turned around. "Hidan! Show Madara how to get into a proper argument!"

"Why the fuck would I do that?"

"Because I told you to!"

"And I'm suppose to do everything you tell me?"

"Yes! You're my bitch!"

"I'm not your fucking bitch!"

"Shut up, bitch! Argue with me!"

"Fuck no!"

"Argue!"

"No!"

"Bitch, you suck at being my bitch! You should take bitch classes with Deidara!"

"Don't put me on the same level as that fucking bitch! Deidara is the bitch of all bitches! He bitches himself to the Sadistic Queen!"

"And you bitch yourself to the Demon of Blood, shithead – now show Madara how to argue with me!"

"No!"

Dessie threw Madara's half-filled beer bottle at Hidan. The bottle hit Hidan in the face and shattered.

"Bitch!" Hidan threw his own freshly opened beer bottle back at her. Dessie dodged and Madara caught the bottle and drank some.

"Missed!" screamed Dessie.

"Someone should stop them," I said.

Aram picked Dessie up, slung her over the shoulder, and walked out of the room. "No one is destroy my precious living room on my watch."

"He really likes this house," said Sasori.

"It's a nice house," said Zetsu.

"Gods live better than we do."

"Well, they are gods.'

"Damn gods."

"Yeah."

Kisame got up to get another beer and decided to start a conversation with Hidan (no doubt trying to convince Hidan that he was madly in love with Dessie again). I sat by myself for a minute before I realized a terrible truth – other than Kisame and maybe Konan, I didn't really talk to any of the Akatsuki members! Hannah had her harem (Deidara, Kakuzu, Zetsu) and Dessie had her Hotties (Itachi, Hidan, Sasori, Deidara) – I had no one other than Kisame. So, to solve this problem, I decided I needed some valuable bonding time – starting with the person on my right.

"Hey," I said and then frozen.

Madara paused in his sip of beer and stared at me through those red eyes of his. "Hey."

"Long time no chat," I said awkwardly.

"Yeah."

I struggled for something to say. "We really didn't end well…"

"End what?"

"Er… Our conversation last time."

"We had a conversation?"

I sighed and turned away from Madara. Okay, that was a bad start to my valuable bonding time. The next attempt will be much better. I searched the room for possible targets of valuable bonding time. Kisame was talking to Hidan. Sasori was talking to Leader and Kakuzu. Konan was attempting a conversation with Itachi. Zetsu. Zetsu was free.

I got to my feet and walked across the room to smile at Zetsu. "Hey."

Zetsu glanced up from his beer. "You."

"Yeah, um, me."

"Do we know your name?"

You ever have that feeling where a giant ton of bricks suddenly fall on your back with the name of your burden stamped across the rocks? Well, I've had it. The words stamped across the bricks were: He Doesn't Even Know Your Name After Three Years.

"I'm Kate."

Zetsu stared at me blankly.

"Hannah's friend."

"Oh. We know Hannah's friend called Dessie."

"Of course you would remember Dessie's name but not mine."

"You have a name?"

"Kate."

"Oh." Zetsu sipped some more beer. "We won't remember that in the morning."

I gritted my teeth. "It's Kate. Kate. Kate! K-A-T-E. Kate. It's not a hard name to remember!"

Zetsu blinked. "Hannah's an easy name to remember."

"Gods damn you, Zetsu!" I cried. "I don't care how drunk you are – at least remember my name!"

"Hannah's friend is a little crazy."

The bricks that fell on my shoulders seemed to double in size.

With a heavy sigh, I left Zetsu to his beer. Okay, so my attempt at valuable bonding time failed again. But I will not be discouraged – there are plenty of members in the Akatsuki. So Madara and Zetsu are jerks – that doesn't mean all the Akatsuki members are. Let me see… Kakuzu! I doubt Kakuzu is that bad. (In hindsight, I realized the foolishness of this comment).

"Hey," I said, taking the vacant seat next to Kakuzu.

Kakuzu glanced up from his beer. "What are you doing?"

"Here to talk," I said. I paused. "Kisame!"

Kisame paused in the middle of his conversation with Hidan. "Yes?"

"I want root beer and smoked salmon!"

Kisame blinked. "Together? Are you sure?"

"Yes! Together! I want it."

There was a pause as Kisame glanced around the living room. "Now?"

I scowled at him. "Who's the pregnant woman in the house?"

Kisame groaned and threw his hands up in the air. "I love you too, baby. Root beer and smoked salmon it is." He and Aram headed for the exit so they could hunt down my next craving.

"You know," said Kakuzu thoughtfully. "You are getting bigger around the middle area."

"Kate is getting fat!" cried Tobi.

I punched him in the face. Pregnant Kate uses violence – got a problem with that?

"Don't feel bad," said Kakuzu. "We've all punched Tobi at one point or another."

"I don't feel bad," I said, shaking the pins and needles of pain out of my fist. "I kind of wish I'd punched him harder."

"I'm so proud of you, Kate!" cried Dessie, clapping her hands excitedly. "Punching Tobi is like a rite of initiation!"

"I thought the rite of initiation was completing a mission successfully," said Kakuzu.

"That's what Leader likes to call it," sad Zetsu. "Really, we have to survive a night to drinking with the Akatsuki to be official members."

"How many people can actually survive that!" cried Dessie in mock horror.

"I'm amazed we've survived as many as we have," I muttered. I turned to Kakuzu, remembering the purpose of this whole conversation. Valuable bonding time. "So what was your initiation?"

"Mine?" Kakuzu smirked. "It was a black market scam to get money for the organization's next big job. I had to con the Vice President of a Capital Marketing Bank…" And right about there was when Kakuzu launched into and extremely complicated and difficult explanation of his scam. Yep. Not my head, say uh-huh, and pretend I know what in the Fence he is talking about. This was Hannah's area of expertise, not mine. The moment Kakuzu finished, I excused myself with the arrival of Kisame and Aram with my root beer and smoked salmon. Apparently bonding with Kakuzu was never going to work for me.

"Smoked salmon and root beer don't seem like the best mix," said Kisame as I bit into the pink fish.

"It tastes good," I snapped.

"Well, it's still better than the larva cheese," said Kisame with a sigh.

"At least you haven't resorted to dirt yet," said Aram. "I've known some goddesses that have craved snakes and dolphin and kangaroo and shark."

Kisame shuddered. "Let's not talk of such dark things."

I finished my smoked salmon and started sipping my root beer. "Now I can say I'm drinking beer with everyone else."

Kisame grinned. "How's the beer working for you?"

"Fantastic," I said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some more valuable bonding time that needs to be done."

"What?"

A seat had opened up next to Itachi and I crossed to room to take it. "Hey," I said, sipping my root beer through a straw.

"Hn."

"Yeah… I don't speak hn-language."

"Hn."

I sighed. "Maybe this valuable bonding time thing was a bad idea."

"Hn."

"You know, I realized that I'm not real good friends with any of the Akatsuki except Kisame and maybe Konan. I mean, I talk to the others, but I never have any one-on-one we're best friends forever time with them. So I thought – hey! – I can hang out with people now and develop strong friendships with them, you know."

"Hn."

"I mean, Hannah is always hanging out with Kakuzu and talking about complicated scams with him – I don't understand scams! And then Hannah has Zetsu, who practically worships the ground she walks on. And then she also has Deidara – and they all have these friendly moments between them. I only have fun story moment with Kisame!"

"Hn."

"And Dessie – don't even get me started on Dessie. Dessie and Itachi. Dessie and Hidan. Dessie and Sasori. Dessie and Deidara. Dessie and Madara." I paused. "I want to be friends with everyone!"

"Hn."

I smiled at Itachi. "I think we could be good friends, Itachi. You're a great listener. And you offer your sympathies in your own way. Zetsu was a jerk – he couldn't even remember my name. And Madara was a meanie – not that that's anything new. But you're pretty nice. To think Dessie's actually friends with a nice person…"

"Hn."

"I have no idea what you're saying, but it's probably nice."

"Kate," said Kisame. "Itachi keeps telling you to stop talking, you're giving him a headache."

I paused. I stared at Kisame, who was grinning slightly, and then at Itachim who looked extremely bored (albeit cool). Right then, I probably would have unleashed all of my pregnant fury on the both of them – if there hadn't been this popping sensation – like a goldfish floating to the surface of his bowl and making bubbles with the air – in my belly.

My eyes grew wide and I touched my stomach. There popping sensation was there again.

"Kate?" Kisame seemed confused. "Are you okay? Is Felix okay? What's wrong? Do you need more root beer? Do you need dirt? Do you need a shark? You know I frown upon eating sharks, but if you really have a craving for it–"

"He moved!" I cried. I grabbed Itachi's wrist and placed his hand on my stomach. The popping sensation was still going.

"Hn."

(How can Itachi still look like a badass even when he's feeling a baby move for the first time!)

"Felix is moving!" cried Kisame.

I placed his hand on my stomach so he could feel Felix kick too.

"What's going on!" cried Dessie, leaping over the coffee table. "Felix is moving?" She pushed Kisame's hand out of the way. "Oh my god-jashin-warg-four-aram-squisher-nerissa-pain-the-great-plant-king-zetsu-and-momentarily-kisame! That's amazing!"

"Baby! The baby's moving!"

Have you ever seen a group of criminally insane villains get excited over a pregnant woman's stomach? I have. And let me tell you, it is one of the most incredible things you will ever see. Even Itachi, in all his badassery, managed a smile.

"You know," said Dessie. "I wouldn't mind having kids myself one day…"

"Quick, Hidan!" cried Kisame. "Now's your chance!"

"I don't want kids!" cried Hidan. "They're loud and noisy and annoying!"

"Shush!" I said. "What if Felix hears you? His subconscious might be scarred by your words!"

"He can't hear me through your huge stomach!" snapped Hidan.

I punched Hidan in the jaw. (Face the fury of pregnant Kate!).

"It'd be terrible to have a subconsciously scarred baby," said Sasori. "He's already a criminally insane homosexual split personality – we really shouldn't mess him up any more."

"He's cute," said Zetsu, staring adoringly at my stomach. "We won't eat him when he's born."

I edged away from Zetsu slightly.

"Is he done?" asked Leader, sounding slightly disappointed.

"He'll kick more," I promised.

"Not that I care," said Leader, coughing.

"Sure…"

I grinned around at the group of insane psychopaths around me. They were smiling back at me, a light of surprised joy in their eyes. Nothing could have ruined that moment. It could only made the moment better. So, when the floor of Aram's living room exploded, throwing us all across the room in random directions – it was still one of the happiest moments of my life!

A/N: Let me see... There were somethings I was supposed to say. Let's see if I can remember.

1) Thanks to Simplicity-Shitsuboku for reviewing practically every chapter! Of all three books. You're awesome. This chapter is dedicated to you.

2) Thanks to everyone who has reviewed this book. I'm on chapter 34 and I already have 1591 reviews. YOU PEOPLE ARE AWESOME!

3) Check out fanart. It's on my profile page. Thanks to Rvlakia Kaviar for being the first to make fanart for this book.

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5) REVIEW or the Akatsuki will leave you dead in a ditch and you won't be able to meet baby Felix!