Hi all! So I know a lot has been in Tris' POV and that will continue in this chapter for obvious reasons. I'm going to try to bring back other POVs but right now it just makes sense to go with hers.
Anyway, big thank you to BeatriceEaton46, dauntless4664, velosewer, Naruisawesome, mosuzmartian, Guest, Sawyerrr, Morgan Lovegood, Brokenwings35, lanainwonderland, and notalways0kay for your feedback and support. I appreciate it!
I hope you guys like this chapter- let me know what you think!
Tris POV
I sit quietly on the closed toilet, as Christina moves around me, a pair of scissors in her hand. I just stare at the wall across from me, barely even moving. In fact, I'm barely even thinking. My mind feels like it is so full that it cannot decide on one thing to process, and therefore, it can't seem to process anything.
"Okay, that's the best I can do," Christina says, as she stands in front of me, looking at my hair. "It's pretty even now."
"Thanks," I say, bringing one of my hands to my hair without thinking.
"What did you tell Four, anyway?" she asks quietly, as she puts the scissors down.
"That I wanted a change," I say with a shrug.
"And he believed that?"
"He didn't say he didn't," I say.
"That doesn't mean he believes it," she says, rolling her eyes. "You need to be honest with him. And if not, maybe you can be honest with me. Because I have a feeling there's more to this than just wanting a change."
"Does it really matter?" I gesture toward my hair. "It's gone. Who cares why?"
"I care," she says as if it is the most obvious thing in the world. "Four cares, and you know he's going to ask again at some point. And I don't think he'll be very happy if you keep lying to him."
"Could you keep it down?" I mutter, remembering that Four is right downstairs.
She rolls her eyes again and lets out a sigh before looking down at me, her arms crossed over her chest.
"I won't ask again," she says. "Just know that you can tell me any time you want. Now, come on."
I stand up, as she gestures for me to follow her out of the bathroom. We walk downstairs together where Tobias is waiting in the living room. When we get down there, I see Rose sitting on the couch next to him, as she talks to him. As soon as we get downstairs, her eyes move to me and she smiles.
"Hi, Tris," she says sweetly. "Did you cut your hair?"
"Yeah, your sister cut it for me," I say, faking a smile.
"It looks cute," she says, nodding as if she is giving her approval.
"Thanks." I look at Tobias. "Are you ready to go?"
He nods and starts to stand up and Rose takes that as her cue to say goodbye to us and go upstairs. Christina says goodbye to us as well, though she seems more upset. Most likely because I am not telling her the truth, and I know that honesty is the most important thing to her. But I have a feeling that she knows why I cut my hair, and I would rather not say it out loud. After all, nobody likes to admit it when they've been weak enough to have a breakdown and I am not an exception to that.
"Do you want to go anywhere else?" Tobias asks, as we close the front door behind us.
"No," I mutter. "I just want to go home."
He looks at me wordlessly for a moment before he simply nods his head at me. We get into his car, and we stay in silence as he starts to drive.
Tori will be home soon. I know because George called us to let us know. Apparently, she had a concussion, a broken arm, and some back pain. I couldn't help but think how eerily similar it was to the injuries I sustained after I was jumped by Peter and Eric. Still, I was just happy that she was all right and that she would be home in time for the New Year. As soon as I heard that, I wanted nothing more than to go home and wait for Tori, so I asked Tobias to take me back. Since we still have some time before George brings Tori back, we also decided to stop at Christina's so that she could even out my hair so Tori wouldn't suspect anything.
I still feel guilty for lying to Tobias. I know that he knows why I actually cut my hair, but I haven't been able to actually talk about it with him. Even now, the entire ride to Tori's house is completely quiet. But it is not a comfortable silence. It is the kind of silence that comes between people who are trying to bite their tongues around each other.
By the time we get to Tori's house, the silence has become unbearable. I let us in through the front door, and the silence is only intensified by the silence in the otherwise empty house. I stop in the living room and turn to face Tobias, as he closes the door behind him and walks toward me.
"You don't have to stay," I tell him.
"Why would I leave?" he asks, seemingly annoyed.
"I just don't want you to feel like you have to stay."
He sighs and takes a step closer, closing the space between us. I can tell by the look in his eyes that he is upset, and I realize that the silence between us has lasted so long that he is about to break it.
"Tris, do you remember what I always used to say to you?"
"You said a lot of things," I shrug.
"I said," he continues, rolling his eyes, "that I wouldn't give up on you. That means that I'm always here for you. That means that you can always go to me when you need someone. I wish you would."
"Would what?"
"Talk to me when you need to," he says. I look down, feeling guilt creep up on me again, but I can still sense his eyes on me. "Tris, I know you've been through a lot. And I know I haven't been there for you every time I should have been."
"Don't." I look up at him, and he stares back at me sadly. "Don't say that."
"It's the truth," he says. "When you had a relapse, when you were attacked by Peter, and now this." He gestures toward my hair and shakes his head a bit. "I wasn't there for you, and I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault that I didn't talk to you," I try again. "You couldn't have known what was going on if I didn't say anything."
"Why didn't you say anything?" he asks quietly.
"I wasn't ready," I say, feeling my eyes tear up as I think about last night. "I don't know. I didn't want you to see me like that. I didn't even want to see myself stoop that low."
"You promised me you would tell me if you wanted to hurt yourself," he says.
"But I didn't hurt myself," I reply, even though I know it is a lame excuse.
"Tell me you didn't think about it." I look down guiltily, but he places his thumb under my chin to make me look up. "Tris, I can't just stand by and watch you hurt yourself. I need to know that you'll come to me if you need to."
"Okay." I nod my head slowly and take a deep breath. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
"I don't want you to apologize," he says, reaching for my hand. "I just want you to know that I'm here."
"I know."
He looks at me for a moment, the hint of a smile on his lips before he puts his arms around me, and I return the embrace. The silence between us no longer stings. I feel as if we have connected in a new way, and it is only that feeling that makes me realize just how disconnected I have felt from him since the first time George called me. I nearly sink into his arms, and he doesn't seem to mind. We just stay that way for a moment, appreciating the safety that we can only find in each other.
Tobias and I are sitting on the couch when the front door opens, since he refused to leave me alone. He doesn't say anything, as I stand up quickly. I can't help the smile that forms on my lips, as Tori walks in, closely followed by someone who I guess is George. I rush over to her without thinking, and she smiles a bit. I wrap my arms around her, careful not to hurt her arm, and she puts her good arm around me as well. I squeeze my eyes shut, as I feel tears pricking in them.
"I'm so glad you're here," I breathe out.
"You weren't worried about me, were you?" She rubs my back lightly. "I'm all right. There's nothing to be worried about."
I pull away from her, but she keeps her hand on my shoulder and smiles at me sadly.
"I was just scared," I say quietly.
"I know." The way she looks at me tells me that she knows exactly why I was so scared. "But there's nothing to be afraid of anymore, all right?"
I nod my head hesitantly, and she smiles at me a bit before turning to look at Tobias.
"Four," she says, nodding toward him. "It's good to see you."
"It's good to see you, too," he replies. "I hope you don't mind that I waited here with her."
"Of course not. I'm glad you did." Behind her, George clears his throat, and she chuckles a bit. "How rude of me. This is my brother, George."
"We've met," George says, looking at me. "Maybe not in the most pleasant way, but we've met."
"Well, the good news is," Tori cuts in, "George will be staying for New Year's, so you two will have plenty of time to get to know each other in a pleasant way."
George chuckles a bit, and I can't help but smile at them, as we fall into an easy conversation. The entire time that we stand there talking, I hold back tears of happiness. Every time I look at the smile on Tori's face, I just think about how grateful I am that she made it back home.
Since Zeke is home for the holidays, he invited all of us to his house for New Year's again. At first, I thought about skipping it since Tori just got home, but she said that she would be fine just spending the night with George. She even encouraged me to go and have fun with my friends, so I went.
Everybody else came, too, except for Lynn and Matthew. Matthew said that his father wanted him home for the holiday. And Shauna told me that Lynn stayed home because it is almost the one year anniversary of Marlene's death. I try not to think about that, though, and I can tell that everyone else is trying not to think about it too.
It is almost midnight now. Zeke's family is here, just as they were last year. They are all inside though, as we sit outside in the backyard since Zeke said that his neighbor usually sets off fireworks at midnight. The air is cold, so I end up cuddled into Tobias' side, as we all sit in the grass together. Shauna and Zeke are also sitting together, and Uriah, Myra, and Christina sit huddled together, as Uriah dramatically rubs both of their shoulders to warm them up, and they both giggle.
"So, are we going to say anything?" Shauna asks quietly, once their giggling has quieted down. "About her?"
Everyone goes quiet, as we all look around at each other. I look at Uriah, as he looks down sadly. Christina seems to notice as well, and I watch as she rests her head on his shoulder, most likely in an attempt to comfort him.
"No," Uriah says, making all of us look at him. "The longer we keep talking about it, the longer we keep her here. We need to let her go." He looks around at all of our surprised faces. "I just think we should focus on the people who are here now."
We sit in silence for a moment, as if we are all considering it before Shauna offers a sad smile.
"I guess you're right," she says, nudging Zeke's side. "I couldn't have asked for a better group to celebrate with, you know?"
There is silence for a moment again before we hear Zeke's mother yelling inside the house. Zeke lifts his wrist to look at his watch, and he smiles.
"Thirty seconds," he announces.
As everybody starts to stand up and chatter amongst themselves, I feel Tobias take my arm in his hand. The fireworks start, distracting everybody, as he pulls me away and over to the side of the house where we are no longer visible to anyone else. When he finally stops, I look at him curiously, and he smiles back at me, the colorful lights in the sky reflecting off of his dark blue eyes.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"I wanted some privacy," he says with a shrug.
I can't help but smile back at him, as he wraps his arms around my waist, and I wrap mine around his neck. We ignore the sound of people yelling inside, meaning that it is midnight. Neither of us say anything, as he leans in and kisses me softly. I can hear the loud popping of the fireworks and the sounds of my friends' voices nearby. I feel goosebumps on my arms, even though they are covered with both mine and Tobias' jackets. I imagine it must be a mix of the cold and the kiss.
We pull apart abruptly, as we hear someone squealing. We both spin around to see Shauna standing there, her phone pointed at us.
"Found them!" she yells, giggling.
I look at Tobias who rolls his eyes, as the rest run over to where we are. I can't help but laugh a little, as Shauna brags about how she got a picture of us kissing and Zeke starts teasing Tobias. Normally, I would feel embarrassed. But after everything that has happened, I seem to bypass the embarrassment completely. Instead, I just relish in the fact that I have my friends at all.
"So, are you ready for this Challenge Day thing?" Uriah asks, as we stand huddled around Christina's locker.
"I'm probably just gonna stay quiet the whole time," I say with a shrug. "Something tells me it'll be just like the support group. Just, you know, with the entire school."
"Great," Lynn mutters before putting her headphones in her ears.
For a few minutes, we talk about how much or how little we are going to say. It seems like Christina is the only one okay with sharing her experiences while the rest of us have agreed to keep fairly quiet. Even now Matthew is pretty quiet as all of us talk. I can't help but feel guilty because I know he has been feeling awkward around me ever since the way I reacted to his gift. Still, I feel a bit awkward around him too for it, so I don't try to talk to him. Even when the bell rings minutes later and we separate, I don't wait for him like I usually do. Instead, I just walk off on my own.
When it comes time for the Challenge Day, we are led into the gymnasium where there are now chairs set up and a long line of tape in the center of the floor. I quickly manage to find Uriah in the crowd and Matthew follows him though he still won't look at me. I let out a sigh, as I look at him staring at the ground. Something tells me this is going to be a long day.
One of the activities is called Cross the Line. That's why the tape was on the ground. One of the counselors says something and if you have ever experienced it, you're supposed to step over the line. They said it is to gain perspective, just like Matthew told me a while ago, but that doesn't make telling the truth to all these strangers any easier.
"I guess that's why they call it Challenge Day," Uriah whispers when I vocalize the thought.
"Cross the line," the counselor calls out, "if you are an only child."
"Should I?" Uriah grins.
I laugh a little, but luckily the counselor doesn't seem to notice. Instead he continues to call out statements, and I watch people step forward for each one.
"Cross the line if your parents are divorced."
I sense Matthew take a step forward next to me, but I don't look at him out of fear that if I give him even a smile or reassurance, he will take it the wrong way.
"Cross the line if you have been in love."
I don't bother to look at Matthew, as Uriah and I take a step forward together. He smiles and looks away, so I look as well only to see that he has found Christina all the way down the line but she is completely oblivious to his staring.
"Cross the line if you have a hero or role model in your life."
I take a step forward thinking of Tori. I also can't help but think that this is much easier than I thought it would be.
"Cross the line if you have done something embarrassing as a result of drug or alcohol use."
I roll my eyes and take a step forward, as I think of the time that Uriah gave me Peace.
"Cross the line if you know someone who has been sexually assaulted."
The room goes quiet, though I'm not sure if it's real or just in my head. I take a step forward with just one word in my mind.
Me.
"If you know someone who has pressured another person to have sex."
Peter and Eric. I take a deep breath to steady myself as I take a step forward. I can feel both Uriah and Matthew's eyes on me but I try to ignore it.
"Cross the line if you know someone who died in a car accident."
I bite down on my lip so hard that I'm afraid it might bleed. Though that is the least of my concerns as I take a step forward.
"Cross the line if you know someone who attempted to die by suicide."
Me.
I feel tears prickling at my eyes. My hands clench into fists, but I stay standing where I am. It is only then that I notice that Uriah took a step forward and he is looking at me sadly. Before I even have time to think about it, the words come from my mouth.
"Maybe I should just stay on the line," I mutter.
He opens his mouth to respond but before he can, I have already started walking away. I hear one of the counselors call after me, but I don't stop until I am outside in one of the hallways. I lean back against the lockers and run my hands over my face. By the time I have finished, the gym door opens.
"Hey," Matthew says, smiling sadly as he approaches me. "I managed to convince them to let me come and get you rather than a counselor. What happened anyway?"
I shake my head a bit, as he stands in front of me.
"I guess I just couldn't handle it," I say with a shrug. "I didn't think it would be that hard just to step forward."
"Me neither," he says, placing his hand on my shoulder. "But hey, I'm always here for you."
I look up at him, and I suddenly feel very uncomfortable with his hand on my shoulder. I stand up straighter, letting his hand fall.
"Matthew, I have a boyfriend," I say before I can overthink it.
He furrows his eyebrows at me. "I know that, I just-"
"I know what you're trying to do," I cut in, and he starts to look upset. "But I have a boyfriend and-"
"A boyfriend who, last I heard, is too busy for you," he retorts. I look at him, as anger appears on his face. "Every time he's come up in conversation, you always said that he was too busy for you."
"He's in college, of course he's busy!"
"So what?" He shakes his head and sighs. "I wouldn't do that to you. I would always find time for you, but obviously his priorities are different."
Anger courses through me at his words, but I force myself to take a breath to hold it back.
"Get away from me, Matthew," I saw slowly.
"Right." He shakes his head and takes a step away from me. "Well, let me know when you realize you should be treated better."
I stand there, my fists still clenched with anger, as I watch Matthew walk away. As much as I wish they hadn't, I know that his words have gotten under my skin.