Thursday morning Olivia laid in bed as she called Dr. Lindstrom's office to schedule an appointment. Much to her dismay, there was an opening for Friday. It was too soon. She was expecting to get in maybe next week or the week after but the receptionist told her they'd just had a cancelation. Just Olivia's luck.
She had opted to stay in bed after the call, pulling the covers over her head. It was beginning to be harder and harder for her to get out of bed in the mornings. Depression was seeping back in, depression and anxiety. Plus, there was the PTSD.
Maybe if she stayed in bed all day, she wouldn't be triggered.
Elliot tried everything he could to get her out of bed. He offed to cook her a big breakfast, to take her out for lunch, he even offered to take her to a movie but she wouldn't budge.
Olivia promised him she was okay. He'd asked if she'd had a bad dream, if she'd been upset about the kiss or the events that they'd discussed the day before but she assured him it was none of the above.
"I'm fine." She told him with a small smile as she looked at his crouching figure at her bedside. "I'm just still tired… I can't drag myself out of bed right now, I just… I need a day, okay?" It was the truth. She felt tired even though she wasn't. That's just how depression worked. It had been bad after the first Lewis encounter too, but the second Lewis encounter had been worse.
Elliot had nodded, accepting her answer. He wasn't going to push too hard.
"I'm picking Eli up tomorrow after he gets out of school. I can drop you off at your appointment but I can't pick you up…" He told her gently.
She was curled up under the covers with her head just barely on her pillow, her body was near the edge of the bed and she was still staring at Elliot's figure from where he'd gotten down on his knees so he could be eye level with her.
Olivia reached out her right hand from under the covers and put it on his left cheek. Elliot gave her a small smile and his face leaned into her palm instinctively.
"You're a sweet man…" She told him lightly. "But you're not dropping me off at my appointment either." Olivia told him.
He looked at her with a confused look.
"Nick is gonna drive me…" She told Elliot. "Fin finally told him like I asked… I think he wants to see that I'm okay."
Elliot nodded, understanding that she would need to show Nick that she was surviving. He'd needed to see her too after the incident, even though he didn't know exactly what had happened at the time. Elliot had needed to see her with his own two eyes.
Olivia continued to stay in bed all day aside from the two bathroom breaks and brief shower she took. Much to her protests, Elliot made her something to eat anyways. A small sandwich made from the groceries that she'd bought and he put some chips on her plate, and even a bar of chocolate.
She smiled from her nest in the covers as she saw him come in with the plate of food. Olivia sat up, pulling covers down to her waist and sitting Indian style so she could put the plate in her lap. She wasn't really hungry but she was going to try to eat for Elliot.
Even though it didn't go with her meal, he'd managed to make her some chocolate milk. She put the plate in her lap and the milk on her bedside table along with the chocolate bar, which she was going to save for later.
"Thanks…" She said to him in a small voice. Her hair was slightly messy and curly from her previous shower, when she'd gotten back into bed without drying it.
She was pleasantly surprised at the chocolate milk and she didn't know how he knew it's what she liked, but he did.
Elliot smiled at her as he sat on the end of the bed, also Indian style, facing her. "You're welcome."
"So, I was thinking…" Elliot stated.
"Uh-oh…" Olivia joked as she began to take another bite of her sandwich.
He rolled his eyes.
"Sunday, you should come meet me and Eli at the park… spend some time with him before Kathy picks him up…" He told her.
Olivia swallowed as she was temporarily shocked.
"Why would you want me to spend time with your son?" She asked hesitantly.
"Why wouldn't I?" He shot back.
Olivia reached over to grab her glass, drinking some her chocolate milk before putting it back on the night stand. She didn't know what to say.
"He still knows who you are, Liv… and I think it'd do you some good to be around a kid for a little bit and forget all the shit that's going on in your head…" Elliot told her honestly. He'd thought long and hard about this before bringing it up to her.
Eli was seven now and when Elliot left SVU, he'd been only four but he had still known who "Livia" was. Kathy had made sure that the little boy had known the brunette, even if it was just from pictures for a while since Elliot had cut Olivia out of their lives for a bit.
When Eli had asked about his birth, just as almost all young kids do when they find out that mamas carry babies in their tummies, both Kathy and Elliot had sat down with Eli together and told the little boy a very watered-down version of how Elliot had not been able to get to Kathy in time and Olivia had stepped in, taking care of Kathy and helping her as Eli was born.
So, the little boy knew who Olivia Benson was, he knew that his father used to be a police officer and that Olivia was his partner.
"What if I have a flashback?" She asked Elliot as she sat her sandwich down on her plate, no longer wanting it. She'd eaten half of it anyways and that was enough in her book.
"Then I'll get a chance to explain to Eli what PTSD is and a watered-down version of how it works…" He smiled at her.
Olivia picked up a chip and began to eat it.
"I'm being serious, El." She shot him a look.
Elliot shrugged his shoulders and put his hands in his lap.
"So am I, Liv. He already knows you were hurt on the job. He knows a bad person hurt you and that the police took care of the bad man."
Her eyes widened slightly, wondering what all the little boy knew about her attack but Elliot seemed to be able to know what she was thinking.
"He only knows you were hurt, Liv. That's all."
She nodded, slowly calming down and reached over to set her plate on the side table as she picked up her chocolate milk, finishing it off.
"I'll think about it… I can't promise I'll show up but I'll consider it…" She honestly told him, letting him know not to say anything to Eli about it in case the boy got his hopes up for nothing.
Olivia would love to see Eli, she really would. She missed the little boy. He'd always made her smile and he was like a mini Elliot. But she was scared, scared that something would trigger her or that she'd be around too many people and have a panic attack. Olivia didn't want to scare Eli, that is the last thing she wanted to do but it's what would happen if she flashed back. She wasn't sure she wanted to risk it.
Elliot got up, accepting her answer, and he walked to retrieve her plate and cup. He gave her a thin smile as he left her room headed to the kitchen. Elliot shut the door behind him, he knew she wasn't getting out of bed, not today. So, he was just going to give her space like she wanted.
After putting her dishes away, he settled himself on the couch and flipped on the TV, hoping to find something to busy his mind with.
Olivia laid in her bed. She wasn't sleepy, she just wanted to lounge around. Part of her wanted to make herself get up and get something productive done but then another part of her told her that she was an adult and she could do whatever she wanted to, whenever she wanted to.
She huffed and got up to take another shower. It wasn't much but it was something and it got her blood flowing. She also decided to shave her legs. Usually, she did that in the bath but she wasn't feeling up to a bath and probably wouldn't be for a while. Shaving her legs did make her feel better though. She felt refreshed.
Later that night, Olivia changed into some pajama bottoms and a tank top to sleep in. She was laying in bed fidgeting on her phone.
Elliot came in and he was already in sweatpants and tank top himself. His tattoo was out and on display.
The only light in the room was Olivia's lamp on her bedside table. Elliot plugged his phone into the charger and put it on the side table by his side of the bed. Then he pulled back the covers and got under them, laying on his back and staring at the ceiling.
Once Olivia felt that he was ready, she turned her lamp off and put her phone on the night stand. She turned on her left side, facing the bathroom door away from Elliot and tried to drift off to sleep.
After about twenty minutes of silence and darkness except for the moonlight shining through the half-closed blinds, neither one was asleep.
Elliot's mind was going a hundred miles a minute. He couldn't stop thinking about the events that had happened yesterday and over the past few days. He'd made another therapy appointment for next week.
He was thinking about Olivia and some of the things that had happened to her. She'd mentioned orgasms and she'd confirmed to him that it'd happened both times she had been with Lewis which meant she had at least one while being raped and at least one when Lewis had her the first time. But Olivia told him that she wasn't raped the first time and Elliot believed her.
He owed her that much. Elliot didn't think that she'd lie about not being raped the first time around. He trusted her. And she trusted him or else she wouldn't have shared so much with him. Lewis did sexually assault her the first time, that much was clear. He must have found a way to get her off against her will by touching her or doing something else.
Elliot didn't want to think about it too much, it made him sick.
The pregnancy tests were also on his mind. For the better half of their partnership, Olivia had always taken the birth control shot every three months like clockwork. She'd always been late to the precinct on the last Monday of every third month. It'd taken Elliot a while to figure it out but when he did, he got worried and asked her about it. After some coaxing, she'd relented and told him.
After that, he hadn't said anything else about it but he always knew that she'd kept it up because she'd always be late that one day every three months.
There'd been a time or two where they'd worked a case and she'd missed her appointment but Elliot had assumed she'd gone to get it after the case was closed.
He figured she would have kept it up even after he left but Olivia was either paranoid out of her mind about getting pregnant by her rapist and history repeating itself or she had at some point stopped taking it.
"You're thinking really loudly…" Olivia said, bringing him out of his thoughts.
Elliot sighed and continued to stare at the ceiling. "Sorry…" He mumbled.
She pushed herself into a sitting position, bracing her hands on the bed as she turned to look at him. Olivia could see him in the moonlight but just barely.
"You're worrying about me aren't you?" She observed. This was one of the moments where she could read him well even in the dimly lit room.
"I always am…" He replied lightly, turning his head slightly to the left to look at her.
Olivia shook her head and moved closer to him. Elliot lifted his left arm so she could snuggle up to his side because that's what he knew she was going to do.
He let his left arm lay across her pillow as she rested her head on his left shoulder and put her left hand on his chest.
Elliot Stabler had always worried about her, even when they were partners. Now, he just worried a lot more but then again, he had a reason to.
"I'm going to be okay." She told him silently.
Elliot bit his bottom lip. He knew she'd eventually be okay, she had to be. He just didn't know how long it would take for her to get to that state or what obstacles she'd have to jump over to get there.
"What were you thinking about?" Olivia asked but Elliot shook his head. He wasn't going to ask her any more questions about Lewis or what had happened, not tonight. She was going to have a hard enough day tomorrow talking about all of it in therapy.
Olivia huffed. She was starting to remember how hard it was to get Elliot to talk to her when they were partners.
"What do you need?" She asked calmly. "What can I do to help you?"
"Just be here…" Elliot told her as he brought his left arm down behind her and turned on his left side, making her turn more on her right side. He wrapped her up in his arms like he thought she might slip away. "Just be here with me, just like this. This is good." He told her.
"It's enough?" She questioned as she hugged him back. They were getting better at cuddling with each other.
"It's more than enough, Liv." Elliot promised her.
He felt her press a kiss into his shoulder. It was all she could manage for now. She wasn't ready to full on kiss him again.
After a few minutes, they broke apart from the hug but she remained snuggled into his side. It was more for his comfort than hers. Olivia knew he needed it, especially with the things she'd put in his head these past few days.
When they drifted off to sleep, it was nice and peaceful. No bad dreams and no night terrors, just two people trying to survive the aftermath of a terrible ordeal.
Thoughts?