Chapter Thirty Six
Monday 26th January
22:09
Home
Sometimes I feel that life is so stifling I can hardly breathe. It's like a black cloud has descended on Summer Bay and we're not living up to our name. Everything feels so cold and so dark. It's getting so hard to get up every day. I have to go into work amid officers who are all tirelessly continuing in their jobs but there is a hole in our office and it's hard to move on from that.
All this time, we're working without Jack. And it's hard. So many times, I get a case and I think, oh, Jack would be perfect to handle that or to interview that person and then I remember. And on top of that, every day we have to work on his case. We have to go through all the evidence to figure out just how Angelo... our colleague, our friend, my fling, killed him.
There are two holes in the office really. One can never be filled because you can't recover completely from a bereavement. Jack will always be gone. And although it will become easier to deal with in time, it's going to take a while and his murder case has to be long over before we can even begin.
And the other hole in the station is one we dare not talk about. But I confess. I miss Angelo. I miss his cheeky smile and his rude innuendos. I miss the way he made me laugh and I miss talking to him. I miss the man I thought he was.
But I'm not allowed to say that. I've sort of talked about it with Ruby but even then, the fear of judgement is so real that I know I hold back. I don't know. I feel guilty for missing him. But I can't help it. Before all of this, he was a nice guy. I mean, I slept with him. We exchanged Christmas presents. It could have potentially turned into something. Ugh, all of this is too much for me.
Tuesday 27th January
14:30
The Beach
I got my lunch as a takeaway from the Diner because between Colleen asking three million questions about when I was going to put 'Constable Risotto' behind bars for good, and Roman mooning over Martha, I'd had enough. He makes me sick, to be honest.
And not just because he was my boyfriend once upon a time. And not just because I realise now that all the while he was with me, he wanted to be with her. But it makes me sick because she is a widow. She's had one hell of a year. She's battled cancer, lost her baby and now lost her husband. And she thinks Roman is being there for her out of the goodness of his heart.
But he wants to be Jack's replacement. He wants to be with her. He wants to end up in her bed. And she's oblivious to the whole thing. She thinks he's just being a friend. I can't bear how disingenuous he's being. It makes me sick.
Wednesday 28th January
23:23
Home
I came home to find Ruby had cooked me dinner, which was a small disaster but a very sweet gesture. We ate the edible bits! And it was nice to spend time with her. It feels like ages since we hung out, even though really it was only on Sunday when we had our lovely day out at the country park I took her to.
The evening turned a little sour though when I got a phone call from an unknown number. It was Angelo, calling from jail. I don't know what he wanted because I hung up on him. He said something about missing me and needing to hear a friendly voice. But I couldn't give him what he wanted so I said nothing and terminated the call.
What could I possibly say to the man who shot a colleague and a friend down and left him there, dead in the dark, all alone? And then lied about it. And continued a 'relationship' with me and comforted Martha when all along, he had shot her husband. I'd like to think I could one day forgive him for what he's done but right now, I just... can't.
Thursday 29th January
11:32
The Beach
I've got a day off today and I'm relieved for the break. I used to live for work but these days, I long for my days off. I need the rest from everything that feels so heavy in the world. Not that it creates much respite really.
When I'm out and about, in or out of uniform, I get bombarded with questions as if it's my fault that Angelo shot Jack or even that Melody locked the kids into the hall and then caused Kane's car to crash into the building. I've done a lot of bad things in my life and while I still regret the way I handled the funeral, Jack's death and the formal accident really weren't my fault.
That girl is out surfing again. I don't understand why I am so obsessed with watching her. She's just... engaging. Maybe I find some kind of solace in her. She's generally always alone and whenever I catch glimpses of her face, she also seems to have a lot on her mind.
I'm very aware that when I'm not working, I spend a lot of time alone. I see Rubes a lot and I do get over to the city a fair bit to see Dad but it's not the same. I don't really have a best friend as such. I have friends, of course, but nobody I'd really say I was that close to. Nobody I can confide in, no matter the subject matter.
And I don't have a partner either. I don't think I'm the kind of person who desperately needs a partner as such but sometimes, I think it would be nice to have someone to be close to. Roman was a disaster and Angelo was worse than that. I don't think I can sink much lower in the romance department, can I? I wonder if I will ever fall in love.
Saturday 31st January
22:01
Dad and Morag's House
Ruby and I have made a somewhat spontaneous trip to the city. Morag called to say Martha had phoned her in a state and she needed to come to Summer Bay and be there for her. I wonder if poor Martha has realised that Roman is a bastard? Anyway, I guess that's not my business.
Morag needed to come to Summer Bay but because it's the weekend, Dad's carers aren't around so much so we've done a bit of a swap. Ruby has to go back to school next week so she jumped at the chance to make another visit and I'm always happy to be there for Dad when I can.
He was on pretty good form today, although the deterioration in his mood and faculties was clear by this evening. He struggled a lot. I sent Ruby off to unpack. She finds it hardest when he can't remember who we are or where he is and I feel the need to protect her from that, as well as take care of him. I hope I did a good job tonight. I only ever want to do good for my family.
Sunday 1st February 2009
20:26
Dad and Morag's House
We had a mostly good day today, although Dad has said he'd like another consultation with the nurse tomorrow as he feels things are getting worse. I have to get back home by the evening but I have offered to sit in on the appointment with him. Ruby has decided it wouldn't be helpful for her to be there as she feels she would probably be emotional and a hindrance.
So, she's going to go and hang out with some of her old mates while I stay with Dad. And we've arranged that someone from the nursing team will stay over for the night with Dad and there will always be someone to take care of him until Morag gets back which, hopefully will be on Tuesday.
He feels so frustrated by the whole thing and I can't blame him. He was always so independent and in control. This must be one of the hardest things that anyone ever has to face. My poor, poor Dad.
Next time… VJ is abducted, Angelo considers pleading not guilty and Charlie and Miles attempt to find Melody when she runs away…