I'm Not Dead, Damnit!

In which Harry is accused of eating the brains of the living.

A/N: I'm here live from Leakycon, the best Harry Potter conference ever conceived, here in Boston, MA. It's been amazing so far. I'm actually writing this chapter in the downtime between the live Pottercast and the next Wizard Rock show. You should be jealous. I would be.

Hello world. It's Amanda again. As brad mentioned up there ^ he is currently at Leakycon. Lucky bitch. Which means he, once again, did not have the time to get online and post this today. So I'm doing it for him once more.
There was a little bit of confusion last time. No, I did not write this chapter. Brad wrote it, I'm simply posting it. I repeat, I did not write this chapter. Brad did.
On another note, he asked me to also plug my story once again. He's in love with it and basically ordered me to do this. Not that I'm complaining.
Everyone check out my story. My penname is mandamedieval and the story is called Unexpectedly Acquainted.
Seriously, you should read and review it.
On with the chapter! Love you Brad!

Harry Potter awoke from the strangest dream. For a second he thought he was still in that hazy realm of King's Cross, having a pantsless conversation with his dead former Headmaster. Oh, dreams, how silly they could be. Harry found he was lying on the ground somewhere. His glasses were, fortunately, still on his face.

Harry couldn't quit remember exactly how he came to be here, on the grass, or why exactly he had woken up from a strange dream just now. Slowly, he heard voices. One voice in particularly, very high and girly, stood out amongst the rest. And then it clicked.

Harry was supposed to be killed by Voldemort. He was supposed to have sacrificed himself so that someone could take down Voldemort! Why the hell was he still alive then?! Someone must have noticed that he was breathing, because he heard muffled footfalls in the dewy grass coming toward him.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Someone knew he was alive. Harry prepared for a speedy death, a death which never ended up coming... The muffled footsteps drew right up next to him, and Harry felt a soft, cold hand touch his neck.

"He is dead, my lord!" The woman who's footsteps he had just heard had told Voldemort he was dead. Harry was about to violently disagree when he realized that by doing so he would probably end up eating his words.

Instead, he was informed of her predicament. Why she had lied to the Dark Lord for him. He still didn't understand exactly why he was still alive, but he realized that Narcissa was the only thing between him and an untimely death.

In repayment for being alive still, Harry was generally treated like a ragdoll, spit on, laughed at, tossed around. Harry just tried to roll with the punches. As long as it kept him alive.

And then everything happened at once. He was laid down, Voldemort gave a nice little speech, Harry got up, and things went downhill from there.

Voldemort's head snapped around and he leered at Harry. "How the hell did this happen? You can't be here, you're dead! You can't kill me, you're dead!" Voldemort began backing away in horror, "You're dead, damnit!"

"Well, looks like I'm not anymore," Harry stood casually, surveying his nails.

Voldemort was backed against the wall. Snarling, he drew the Eldar Wand. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

The wand flew to its true master, the spell failed, Voldemort vanished from existance.

Harry walked up the crowd, who eyed him strangely. Harry stopped. He wasn't expecting this at all. Weren't they at least somehat pleased he'd defeated the Darkest wizard Britain had ever seen?

He walked up to Neville, who after just BAMF'ing the hell out of a giant snake, recoiled from Harry.

"What the hell is the big deal here? i just killed Voldemort!"

"Yeah... but how did you do it?!" shouted Dean Thomas. Another piped up, "What sort of Dark Magic did you have to use to do it?!"

"No, no! It's really simple you guys. Y'see, when Draco Malfoy disarmed Dumbledore-"

"How the hell is it talking?! He's dead!"

"I'm not dead, damnit!"

Suddenly, Luna Lovegood walked up to Harry. She offered to distract the crowd so he could escape. He agreed whole-heartedly, so she turned and pointed wildly. While Harry was walking away she turned around again and sent a red jet of light at him. He hit the floor with a resounding thud, and cheers echoed through the hall. Oh, those crazy Hogwarts kids.

Harry woke up once more. He noticed he was in a shallow grave, covered poorly with soil. He heard the rushing of the sea in the distance. As he slowly attempted to sit up, he noticed his left kidney was missing.

"Fuck my life."

Fin.