Bucky's P.O.V
It's been about a month since I talked to Bruce, I've made sure I have kept the same routine, I've made sure that I have acted like nothing's wrong that way Steve could not find out, I've just give Steve no reason to be suspicious. It's not like I haven't lied to him before. After Steve's mum died he moved in with me and I wasn't rich so we only had the one bed. I would lie next to him; he used to fall asleep so quickly and his breaths where whizzy and weak, there were times I thought he wasn't going to make it to the morning and I would have to lie straight to his face telling him that he'll be alright, that I would never let anything happen to him, they were promises I knew I had no right to make because I had no idea what would happen. He was always ill, I'm grateful that he's bigger and healthy but I do miss looking after him, I promised Sarah before she died that I would always be there for him. Being here now I think I've lived up to my word, sort of. People used to ask me what it was like being friends with Steve, if I found it hard to look after such a sickly child. I would simply reply I don't see Steve as sickly; he's the strongest man I've ever met.
I look across at Steve; he looks so innocent when he's asleep. He's curled up close to my side taking deep even breaths. It's so good to listen to his healthy breathing. I spent so long listening to the wheezy, uneven breathing that at first it was weird hearing he breath so independently but I've grown so used to the beautiful sleeping huffs of air, every time he breaths out I swear he could start a hurricane, maybe that's how he felt when he was small and he would listen to my breathing.
I know that Steve has a right to know but I know he would get worried and very protective. I knew Steve would tightly wrap me up in bubble wrapping but for all I know Bruce will find a cure then there will be no need to even tell Steve.
It's so unfair on Steve, he's already lost me once who knows what will happen if it happens a second time. We've spent so much time apart and under the belief that we would never see each other again but to be fair most the time I didn't even know who he was but there always has been this strange pull like we had been destined to be together. I've never been a true believer of soul mates; I don't like to think that it was my destiny to fall in love with Steve because that would mean I'd have to believe that falling into the hands of Hydra was also my destiny.
The first few years with Hydra were so hard, I don't remember much just that there was a lot of pain they hadn't quite perfected the 'wipes' so within a day or so I would start to remember things then something would snap and everything would come flooding back all at one, all the memories and all my feelings. The pain was immense and I wished every day that it would just stop so. It looked like the only escape was death, I wanted to die so badly but now I've got Steve and I'm now a full time Avenger, I have a purpose again, a reason to live.
I don't want to die.
Bruce told me that it was probably best if we bring Steve into the loop about the whole thing but I can't stop imagining Steve's face when he finally gets it, that click when he finally understands that I'm dying. What would he do? Would he be angry? Like me, would he flip a table or smash something or would he just cry?
Words can even begin to describe how much I love and care for Steve.
I look at the clock hanging on the wall across the room it's about seven in the morning and I told Bruce that I'll let him take some blood samples and scans some medical shit I can't keep up with but if it helps I'll do it. I gingerly take my arm out of Steve's tight grip, which causes him to whimper a little, I brush my hand over his cheek and his face softens again then I head out the room. The apartment is quit and dark; when I first arrived here with Steve I didn't like the apartment because it didn't feel right but now its home.
Steve's P.O.V
Light is streaming in through the window, I reach my arm across the bed only to find cold air, Bucky's gone again, he must have gotten up, he hasn't been sleeping very peacefully recently, bad dreams. I understand that, I still dream about flying into the ice and the war, I'm still scared so Bucky must be twice as scared as me, I don't think he likes people seeing him scared, who would? He's probably spent years hiding his fears from hydra.
I spend a few more lingering moments just lying in bed before jumping up and dropping down to the floor and start counting each press-up, sit-up, and pull-up. Before Bucky moved in I used to have so much energy in the mornings I would wake up and be buzzing, I go running at the crack of dawn and run until the sun was fully up then go to work at S.H.I.E.L.D. even after that I would still have so much energy. I still have that energy but I would rather stay curled up next to Bucky then leave his side to run.
He can be an incredibly bad influence sometimes.
I have a patrol scheduled later but there is no immediate need to change my outfit just yet so I move into the apartment wearing sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. I walk straight into the kitchen and start to prepare breakfast for Bucky for when he gets back.
"JARVIS do you know where Bucky's gone and how long he'll be" I asked to the ceiling, I still find I odd talking to someone but not being able to see them it is such a weird concept.
"sergeant Barnes is with Dr Banner, he's in the middle of a PET scan at the moment, sir, so he will be another ten minutes before arrives back to the apartment." JARVIS' British voice said softly into the apartment.
I frown in confusion "why's he having PET scan?" over my time in modern day I have tried to learn new things but a lot of today technology still confuses me but I know what a PET scan is for.
"It appears that Sargent Barnes is having some issues with his health." JARVIS said simply.
I can feel my heart rate increase "what kind of issues?"
The elevator doors slide open and Bucky wonders into the quiet apartment, Bruce had done all the checks and tests that he required and had gathered all the data he needed to work. Tony had been there but he kept to himself, he was looking at an exploded view of a brain for the entire time Bucky was there.
Bucky walked through the apartment when he caught sight of Steve sitting in the kitchen at the head of the dinner table, Bucky turned straight towards the kitchen "morning" Bucky kissed the top of Steve's head then went over the fridge "have you had breakfast?" Steve didn't answer, "I'm starving. What do you fancy? I will try and make any thing you want." Bucky smiled but Steve still didn't say anything he just sat with his arms crossed looking straight at Bucky. "Are you okay Steve? You look a little…"
"When were you going to tell me?" Steve said solemnly
Bucky's smile vanished "tell you what?"
"I don't know maybe the fact that you're dyeing?" Steve shook his head a little.
Bucky gasped a little "how did you find out?"
"No I asked a question first, when were you going to tell me" Bucky scratched his head, Steve gave a short sigh "where you even going to tell me?"
"I was, of course I was" Bucky answered, he took a step closer to Steve then continued "it's just we've been working so hard on trying to fix, Bruce and Tony-"
Steve let out a small angry huff "Tony knew" Steve shook his head in disbelief "when did they find out?"
"they only know because they can help, they have been working so hard ever since we got back from court-" Steve interrupted Bucky
"Wait do you mean when they pardoned you" Bucky nodded "that's when you found out?" Bucky nodded again, Steve stood up "Bucky that was a month ago!" Steve raised his voice.
"I was trying to keep you happy-"
"And you think keeping me in the dark was the best idea-"
"I thought I was doing the right thing-"
"Your always doing this do you ever stop and think that maybe I can actually take care of myself now? I'm bigger and healthier, and I don't need you to decide what I can and can't handle"
"I was protecting you and I just-"
"By lying to me"
"God damn it, Steve! You never listen! You never fucking listen" "your always do this Buck, I can take care of myself" "NO YOU CAN'T" "I HAD A RIGHT TO KNOW" "I WAS PROTECTING YOU"
"YOUR NOT VERY GOOD AT IT ARE YOU" steve's eyes widened a little when he said that.
The two men were so caught up in their argument that they didn't even realise that their faces were centimetres away from each other. For a moment they looked at each other both breathing angrily, Bucky took a step back and looked Steve dead in the eyes.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Bucky said in a small hurt voice.
"I didn't mean it" Steve replied quickly.
"No seriously what do you mean by that?" Bucky asked hurt spreading across his face.
Steve looked at the ground "well… in the past every time you've tried to protect me it hasn't ended well, when you took me in after mum died, we didn't have enough money and I know our landlord almost kicked us out more than once, when we were on Dr Zola's train you picked up my shield and you got thrown off the train and I lost you for 70 years, and now you haven't told me this and it hurts like hell."
Bucky took a very long deep breath "Your right you did deserve to know but I didn't want to see you get hurt because that would hurt me." Bucky ran his hands through his hair "I'm sorry that was incredibly selfish of me" Bucky turned back to look at Steve saying "in my defence, I did try and tell you but I couldn't find the words, every time I opened my mouth, I would look into you eyes and-" Steve looked up at Bucky and he gave a sad smile as he lost himself in Steve's deep blue eyes.
Steve closed the space between them and pulled Bucky into the tightest hug, the embrace lasted forever nether wanted to break apart.
Steve was crying silent tears "Darn it, Banner better find a cure!"
Authors note's: sorry it's been soooo long since I last posted, I actually wrote 2 chapters and I couldn't decided which to post, I chose this one because I've never done 1st person before and I thought it might be a nice little insight to the character, tell me if you don't like it because then I wont do it again, I just thought I'd give it a go. Why no? if you were confused it was Bucky's point of view first then Steve's after the fist *** the it went back to normal after the second *** if your still confused just let me know. Thank you for still loving my story and still reviewing. Thank you :) *hugs*