"I should get Maru a gift of some kind." Kakashi mused, overlooking the bandit camp. In the reflection off Sayo's sweat-stained forehead, he saw Maruichi start repeatedly shooting Saeki smug looks.

Kakashi pointed at the bandits. "Okay, now go question them."

A brief moment of blissful silence as Kakashi allowed himself to indulge in the fleeting fantasy of absolute unquestioning obedience.

Sayo put her hands up. "Hold on, what."

There it went.

"You want us to go down there and question...how many bandits?"

32.

"26." Maru reported confidently. "You can see the shadows of the men lying down in the shadow of the tents. Probably the night watch, but we should account for them anyway."

No, it's 32.

"Should we? Treating them like active hostiles would probably be a bad way to prioritize the attack." Sayo said. "We need to take out the dangerous ones first. Blindfire is no good."

Why are they attacking them? I told them to question them.

"Who taught you children to be so violent?" Kakashi asked. "Really, jumping to violence as your first option, you're breaking Sensei's tender heart here."

They shot him owlish looks.

"I mean," Kakashi continued. "You could just go down there and they'd surrender immediately."

"Sensei's worthless opinion aside, maybe we should consider a peaceful option?" Saeki hesitantly spoke up. "I mean, it's not like they've done anything. We don't even have proof that they hurt anyone."

"Alright." Sayo flapped a loose hand at him. "Get down there and convince them. Prove it."

"You're worse than Sensei." He complained. Which was, really, quite unfair to consider; Kakashi had never done that to prove a point. He'd always proven his own points, and left the potential maiming for dessert.

"You're expendable though." Sayo informed him, and Saeki really had no comeback.

Kakashi was forced to admit that, yes, Saeki was the most expendable, no two ways about it. He offered Saeki a gentle pat on the head to assure him that his body would not be left behind and saw him off with a gentle smile that probably did wonders to settle Saeki's nerves.

Saeki, grumbling quietly, slowly slid down the tall pine they had been crouching on, his stuttery treewalking making the process literal agony to watch. Eventually he fucked up the chakra measure and blew himself off the tree, landing in a smoky pile in a shrub.

The bandits were, of course, immediately alerted, and Kakashi watched the bandits begin quickly arming themselves, layering some super shiny chainmail under filthy cloth bindings and tunics.

"But why." Sayo whispered.

"Maybe they're minimalists." Maru offered.

"They're bandits. And rich."

"Fake minimalists then."

"To what end."

"In their defense." Kakashi muttered. "It could just be some kind of really elaborate humblebrag."

"Or." Maruichi countered. "Maybe they're pretending to be poor so they don't get robbed."

Below, Saeki slowly crawled to his feet, gently steaming, and stumbled towards the bandit camp. He brushed the soot and twigs off himself vigorously, shooting them a thumbs up.

The bandits watched the dirty child walk out of the woods, weapons drawn and wary.

Saeki coughed and stopped suddenly, as the lit clearing opened up to thirty bandits staring at him with anger and fear in their eyes. Their clothes were dirty and stained, but in the stillness and quiet he could make out their weapons and the gentle ringing of their mail. The camp itself was a spartan one, massive communal tents ringed by campfires and the occasional smaller tent for facilities. Unfortunately, every single person meant to be manning them was instead staring him down like a somewhat pungent rodent. Not, perhaps, how he'd intended this to go, but he could adapt.

Saeki immediately put his hands up. "I demand your surrender."

The bandits blinked in somewhat harmonious confusion, some of them rattling their weapons in apparent agitation.

"Come at me." He said calmly, still completely unarmed. "Try me if you really want."

The bandits looked at each other slowly, before one slowly reached down to the campfire he was still standing next to, groping around for something near the ash, Slowly withdrawing his hand, he hucked a pebble that bounced off Saeki's headband. It made a loud ringing noise, generating maybe a single spark and making Saeki wince a little in surprise.

"Alright, we have due cause, they're hostile." Sayo announced. "Fuck 'em up."

Maruichi and her dove out the tree hurling kunai, tags and steel whizzing through the air. The bandits screamed "GENIN!" in fear and immediately began tripping over themselves to run away. The explosions began going off one by one, sending dirt and stone flying into the air as the entire area shook with dull thuds louder than God striking the earth. One of them dove into a tent and came out with a suspiciously pot-shaped object in his hands, while another reached behind his back and pulled out a white envelope that looked oddly like paycheck envelopes.

The mailman whistled, attracting seven eyes, and he waggled the pay envelope, the word GENIN BAIT printed in clean black ink. Everyone froze as the bandits cowered on the far side of the camp.

"You know," said Saeki. "I feel like since I insisted we make peaceful overtures, I deserve the recompense."

"After the stress you put us through, wandering into danger while forcing us to watch?" Sayo said sweetly. "I think not, I might need to pay for my poor heart." Her hand shot out, catching Maruichi sneaking by, by the back of the collar and dragging him back behind her. "I think not Maruichi, you can wait like the rest of us. Play fair now."

"His arm is getting tired." Maru said firmly. "Only good manners to help. Good to be nice. Holding out bait like that, gotta be heavy."

The man hurled the envelope to the side, and the three genin dove for it, punching and scratching.

The bandits moved en-masse the other way, until Kakashi dove out of the tree, landing in a clean roll that saw him to his feet right in front of the fisherman. "Give me the rest of the money." He demanded. "I know you keep a stash to ward off stray Genin, give it to me I want it."

"Damn." Kakashi heard the whisper float over, and all the men quickly sat down on their knees. The man before Kakashi slowly spread his hands open over his head, and the potman beside him slowly laid down his burden. "You got us, we surrender."

"I want the pot too." Kakashi said quickly. "And food. Maybe some clothes, and weapons, and-" he leaned to the side, snapping his fingers and pointing at one of the men in the middle. The sandy-haired man in question pointed to himself in confusion, standing slowly as Kakashi began snapping his fingers harder in irritation. "Yeah, you, answer my questions."

The man in front of Kakashi blinked. "Why Shinji? I'm the lead-"

Kakashi punched him in the face, relishing in the almost rubbery resistance of his nose, until it bent with a somewhat satisfying crunch, not so much like wood as crisp bamboo. The man went down, and was wise enough to stay down.

Saeki stumbled over, bleeding from the mouth and the left ear. "Oh come on, what was I even sent here for?!" He whined. "I got bitten! Twice! Mortal danger! What happened to letting me handle this?!"

Sayo thumped him in the back of the head, bleeding in nearly as many places. "I am a firm proponent of reactionary, overwhelming force." She snapped. "And you fucked it up!"

"In reaction to what?!" He cried. "This was my Come-At-Me Expo, damn you! I was gonna do the cool thing!"

"Sucks to suck." Maru strode over, bleeding more than both of the other two combined, but cheerily fanning himself with the money.

"That's some chump fuckin' change to nearly get us all killed over." The potman grunted with somewhat worried eyes.

"Isn't it fine if they're still childish like that? That's how children should be." Kakashi informed. "Sociopathy lives to be appreciated while it's still socially acceptable." He swung a hand around his head loosely.

The man standing in the back, Shinji as he'd been referred to, immediately straightened. "I'll answer literally any question you ask."

"Why does your boss seem so sad and alone."

"Now hold on." The leader said.

"He has serious issues with attachment and cries if people go somewhere without telling him."

"What the fuck man."

"That's some loyalty there." Kakashi was actually somewhat impressed, despite himself. "Not gonna try to be a hero?"

"Why would I be someone else's hero when there are people around to save me?"

Kakashi took a minute to digest that.

"Shockingly flawless logic."

"I will kill you." Leader swore, staring at Shinji who was pointedly avoiding eye contact.

Potman raised a hand meekly. "Leader snores and smells bad after dinner, and also has terrible s-"

"Kill me quickly please." The Leader interrupted. "Make it quick. Faster the better, don't even bother making it painless."

"Sure, but gimme a sec first." Kakashi said. "Who the fuck are you lot."

"Not bandits." Shinji said quickly.

Kakashi paused. "You're not?"

Every man in the clearing shook their heads slowly.

"Oops."

"Why are you dressed like bandits." Sayo said, squinting a little. "You smell like bandits too, and eat like bandits too. I saw some dude puking into a bush earlier, like a bandit."

"We're pretending to be bandits for safety." Shinji explained. "The night is dark and full of spooky things like Genin and other bandits. This way, at least one of the parties doesn't bother us."

"Why a group?"

"Crippling loneliness issues." Potman insisted. "Have you seen a grown man cry before? It's sad on levels I can't describe. Leader literally falls apart without us, he can't handle it."

The sound of grinding stone began emanating from Leader's face, and Potman looked away somewhat guilty.

Kakashi felt bad. "Where are you headed."

Shinji actually paused at that, seemingly wrestling with himself as his plain-looking face contorted into expressions of discomfort.

Finally, something within him resolved, and he reluctantly spoke. "The capital."

A quiet curse echoed in the clearing as Kakashi perked up. "Really? Us too!"

"Wonderful." The leader groaned. "Now fuck off."

"Tell us more?"

"Make m-"

-

"Shame they didn't take us up on our offer." Kakashi said conversationally. Beside him, Sayo humphed.

"We could've extorted them for more." She announced petulantly. "They were super lying, not a chance they gave us everything."

"Maruchin, you're sharing right?" Saeki slung an arm over Maru's shoulders and leaned in. Maruichi, however, raised a single hand still proudly bearing the envelope, and swept the hand off his shoulder.

"Peasant."

"You son of a bitch!" Saeki grit out, before allowing the arm slung over Maru to sweep forward into a headlock. "Abandoning me now that you're wealthy, is it?!"

Sayo hefted the pot. "Idiots." Her eyes shined. "This is obviously the real treasure. They were trying to protect it."

Kakashi rubbed his chin. The smell the pot was giving off gave him a very different impression.

Well, he supposed some might consider it a treasure.

"Ho there!"

Kakashi and the children broke out of the forest, finally striding back onto the road in full view of their caravan. The guards, who had evidently been pacing impatiently, looked up with irritated looks.

"Where the hell have you been?!"

The Madame and Lady Taiyo were both leaning out and giving him odd looks. But what to say? He couldn't tell them he was investigating bandits because he found his little travelling group suspicious, now could he?

One of the guards paced over, eyeing them. "What's in the pot?" He demanded. "Don't bring suspicious containers near us idiot."

"Is it suspicious though...?" Kakashi wondered. Sayo briefly resisted the guard, before giving into her own curiosity and telling the man pop the leather cap stretched over the mouth.

A smell like burning famland spread over the area, and the Ladies slammed the door shut immediately, muffled coughing ensuing.

"Oh shit, it's gunpowder."

The other guards whipped around, immediately jogging over. "Gunpowder you say?"

The bandit reached in, pinching some between his fingers and rubbing them together. "Definitely. Fine grain, high quality."

One of the guards whistled. "Damn, that's good stuff. 30000 Ryo right there, little lady that's a Chuunin's head you're carrying."

Sayo looked impressively bitter, staring at the gleaming black powder with disappointment. "You can have this trash." She huffed. "Pay me-"

A wad of bills beaned her in the face, and the guards immediately rushed over and seized the pot. "Thank you!" One crowed, lugging the pot with bowlegged strides.

Kakashi watched them go. "That may have been a mistake." He mused. Sayo paused where she was cheerfully riffling bills. "Did they stiff me?" She demanded, immediately nervous. Kakashi waved her worries away, still staring at the guards. "No, if anything they overpaid you. It was a mistake to give it to them now, because-"

One of the guards reached into the pot, grabbing two pinched and shoving them up his nose, snorting so hard he turned red. "They're definitely in the clear m'Lady, nothing suspicious here."

"-they'll indulge immediately, yes." Kakashi finished.

The children watched in slight awe as the guards cavorted as babes, gunpowder going everywhere.

"That's disgusting." Saeki observed.

Kakashi shrugged. "What else are they gonna do with it? Shoot guns?"

He had a hearty chuckle over the thought of bullets being effective against anyone. That was some civvie-grade shit right there, barely good enough for spooking Yakuza.

"They're taking so much of it." Sayo watched, growing impressed by the sheer degree of excess. "Can you really just put it in any orifice like that?"

Kakashi shrugged. "They're brave guys, let 'em have fun." He squinted at the horizon. "It's their last chance anyway, since according to the bandits the capital isn't too far off."

"What's the plan then Sensei?" Saeki asked.