A love lost and loves sacrifice.
Chapter 37
They are my children.
Kathryn's eyes fluttered open and for a split second she didn't realise where she was. Looking around frantically to get her bearings she found Chakotay looking down smiling at her, stoking her hair from her face he kissed her forehead and said "hi you."
"Chakotay?" she asked in a dry husky voice.
"You fell asleep, your still weak and need your rest." He told her as he continued to stroke her hair.
"How long have I been out?" she asked trying to sit up.
"Just a few hours" he told her as she sat up and he managed to slip into a sitting position behind her so that her back rested on her chest. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and kissed the top of her head.
"Oh" she said softly as she snuggled into him.
He gently began to stroke her arms and nuzzle her neck with his face "how is it going to work Chakotay?" Kathryn sighed heavily thinking as she stared into space.
"Don't you dare go back on me now." Chakotay asked looking down on his love with fear that she would walk out on him.
"Chakotay, I don't want to live another day without you." She told him lovingly turning over the lie on her front on his chest so her eyes could meet him.
"Then it will work." She smiled planting a gentle kiss on her lips and stoking her back lovingly.
"Chakotay?" she whispered up at him.
"Sush Kathryn" he told her lovingly trying to still her fears.
"No really Chakotay, what about your children?"
"What about them?" he asked her kissing her forehead "the brood isn't here if that's what you are worried about?"
"No, well yes, but I mean how will it work? With me and them." She asked tracing circles in his chest.
"They are going to need a mother, they have always needed a mother, a real mother." He told her as he watched her hopeful that she would want to take on the role.
"What's happening with Seven?" Kathryn asked out of compassion for the woman she did really care about.
"Starfleet security have her until the trial, then the judge will decide." a very angry Chakotay told her, Kathryn could feel his anger mounting at even the mention of her name.
Kathryn took his hand in hers and said lovingly "Chakotay, please don't be angry with her. She thought she was doing the right thing."
Chakotay looked down on the wide blue eyes of her searching face brushing the hair from her face he told her "Oh Kathryn, she tried to kill you."
"I know, but Chakotay please don't hate her, you are a man of peace." She begged cupping his face in her hand.
"Do you hate her Kathryn?" he asked looking seep into her eyes.
"No." Kathryn told him firmly and without hesitation. She looked up at him as she ay with his arms wrapped around her "I feel pain and sorrow for her."
"You're a great woman you know that don't you?" he told her proudly as he showed her his dimpled smile.
"Not sure about great" she shrugged with her own smile, "old and tried maybe but not great."
"Oh you are great." She told her as he leaned in for another kiss. He took her mouth just as passionately as before but slightly more gently as he let his hands roam through her hair.
As they parted Kathryn took a deep breath and looked away from her love slightly. Chakotay looked down on her as he continued to stroke her hair, he knew she was about to say something serious and so he waited for her to talk. "I want to go and see her." Kathryn told him cautiously knowing he was not going to like what she had to say.
"Who?" he asked her confused.
Kathryn reached up to softly stroke his face with her finder tip when it dawned on Chakotay who she meant he quickly grabbed her wrist and pulled her hand away from his face. He held her tightly as he looked shocked and angrily down in to her eyes, he was holding her firmly and would not let her go, even though she struggled with him. "Seven" she told him defiantly confirming his fears.
"Oh no Kathryn!" he told her in a matter-of-fact command voice. To anybody else they would have seen there was no arguing with this firm and strong man, bit not Kathryn Janeway.
She defiantly raised her head, met his eyes with confidence, set her haw and snapped, "well why not?"
"That little thing about her trying to kill you!" he hissed still holding tightly to her wrist and refusing to let her go though she struggled.
As she stilled her struggling she looked deep into his eyes and whispered softly "there was a time when I thought you were going to kill me." with her words he let go of her wrist immediately. Both looked down at he pale skin the see the angry red mark he had left there. Slowly Kathryn rubbed the sore skin with her hand as he watched with a pang of guilt in his heart. Slowly Kathryn continued "there was also the time I thought you were going to rape me, I still talk to you."
"You don't have to." He told her truthfully with great pain and sadness as he remembered all his anger had driven him to do to her over they years.
"No I don't," she agreed causing his face to look in horror at hers. She broke into a wide smiled and took his hand lovingly with the hand he had held tightly and she told him lovingly "but I do."
With love for her great strength and ability to forgive tears began to form in his eyes as he looked at her "and I love you for it." He whispered through his tears.
"Hummm I love you too." She smiled widely as he leaned up to claim him lips as hers. As the two parted from their loving kiss she held her face inches from his as he cupped his copper face in her pale hands. Staring deep into his loving eyes she told him "but I am a grown woman Chakotay, I have seen prison, don't you ever try to tell me whom I can and can't talk to." Chakotay merely stared into her eyes and didn't say a word, he felt great shame and regret for trying to control her. When she did not reply she planted a gentle loving kiss on his tattoo above his left eye she then drew back and rested her tiny hand on his chest where his heart was beating heavily, in passion or anger Kathryn did not know and she didn't dare ask. With a smile she did ask, "So when do your brood get in?"
Watching her closely Chakotay wrapped his arms around her and drew her to lie down on his chest where he stroked her long hair all the way down her back until his hands found her bottom once more and so found a firm resting place as she began to gently stroke her bottom where she law on him. When she didn't pull away he smiled and kissed her head telling her "we have a little while yet."
"What happened when they do get in?" she asked softly as she snuggled tighter into his chest.
"Well I would probably have to get them their dinner, Sanwee would be delighted to see you." He told her casually, he was just enjoying being in her company in this way.
"Just as long as I don't have to cook!" Kathryn shrieked as he headshot up to look in horror at him.
Chakotay broke into a hearty laugh as he saw the terror in her eyes, placing a tiny kiss on her beautiful lips he whispered with a smile "I would never inflict that on my children."
Kathryn scowled at him for a second and then asked as though deep in thought, "Have you told them?"
"Well I haven't had much chance to since you only agreed to marry me about three hours ago." He told her with a twinkle in his eye.
"I wasn't meaning that! I meant about their mother." She said trying to be serious as she stared into his eyes. Chakotay then saw a look of horror flash into her deep blue orbs as she gasped, grabbed his shirt with her fist and asked in terror "though now you mention it how do you think they would react to us?"
"They will love you, as their father does." He told her stroking her hair lovingly with one hand and kissing her cheek reassuringly with the other.
"Chakotay, you have to tell them about Seven." Kathryn told him seriously pulling away form him and looking deep into his eyes.
With those words Chakotay pulled away from Kathryn and rolled her over so that she was nest to hi rather than on top of him. He then stood and turned his back to her, as he angrily snapped "no I don't, not yet."
Kathryn watched his tense body stood with his back to her, Standing she came up behind him and began to wrap her arms around his waist as she whispered seductively in his ear "Chakotay-"
"It's not open for discussion Kathryn." He cut across her angrily as he took her hands and pulled them off him so he could walk away from her warm loving touch without even looking at her.
"OK fine Chakotay, they are your children, what do I know?" she snapped back in pain turning from him. She hated the fact he had children and she didn't. She had never been able to have children of her own thought she would have loved to have been a mother. On Voyager she used to dream of her own copper skinned children that looked just like their brave copper skinned father, it was a great pain to see those children, to see Sanwee's jet-black eyes and know those children were not her own. They were the children of Chakotay and another woman, which was the ultimate pain.
Chakotay saw the pain in her eyes as he reached out to grab her hand to make her look at him "Kathryn I didn't mean-" he began lovingly.
"But you did Chakotay." She insisted as she pulled from him and turned to the other side of the room. Chakotay didn't argue with her for sadly he knew she told the truth and he had seen the pain that truth had brought her.
"Kathryn, there is pain for all of us in this. It wont be easy but if we want it that much we can fight for it." He whispered coming to wrapper her tightly in his arms.
"And it starts with your children Chakotay, they have the right to know the truth." She insisted as she looked deep into his eyes as he let her back fall lovingly and trustingly into his steady embrace.
"You want me to tell my four year old daughter her mother tried to kill you?" he asked her quite seriously but trying to make his point.
"Well perhaps not like that." She sighed with a hint of a smile as she turned to look at the firm yet softly loving features of his face "but Trellah, she would want to know."
Chakotay nodded as she guided her to sit with him on the sofa once more "she's fast becoming a young woman, I blinked and missed her."
"How do you mean?" Kathryn asked taking his hand for reassurance.
Sadly Chakotay looked into her eyes as he told her "I was never around them, seven wouldn't let me be a daddy to them."
Kathryn though for a moment and let the silence linger in the room between the two until she asked "tell me about them, tell me about your relationship with Seven." Giving his hand a gentle squeeze urging him to tell her.
"Why does all that matter?" he asked drawing his brows together as he asked her in confutation causing his tattoo above his left eyes to distort.
"It matters to me and it will matter to your children." She told him softly resting her head on his shoulder as he thought what to say.
"Well as you know Trellah was a mistake, and angry night on Voyager."
"Chakotay darling" she said lifting her head to look into his eyes as she placed a delicate hand on his chest, "tell me you didn't tell her that?"
Sadly he looked at her and shook his head as he let his eyes wonder around the room, anywhere but her eyes. "No but I am sure Seven did."
Kathryn sighed a heavy sigh as she felt his pain, she asked out of compassion "well what is she like? What does she enjoy to do?"
"I don't know I don't think she enjoys anything." Chakotay told her and he guided her to rest her head on his shoulder once more.
Kathryn placed a loving hand on his knee she told him with a slight laugh "Chakotay she is a teenager, I don't think they tend to enjoy much, so does she have any boys in her eye?"
"Pardon?" he spat almost in horror at the idea.
"Boyfriend Chakotay, does she have a boyfriend?"
"She's Borg." He said stiffly.
"Hummm" Kathryn replied in thought. "What about Duva?"
"Duva, he's a little mischievous." Chakotay told her with a hint of pride in his voice for his son.
"Oh really?" smiled Kathryn but then her smile quickly went and was replaced by a look of terror "so I should watch out for him?"
"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked her lovingly.
"Yea?"
Pulling her away from his shoulder to look into her frightened eyes he stroked her cheek with the back of his hand and asked lovingly "why do you look so frightened?"
"Maybe because I am." She replied in truth.
"Frightened? You have no need to be."
"What if they don't like me." she insisted.
"I'll give them a good kick up the backside." He joked with his dimpled smile but when he saw she wasn't laughing with him he gave her a tight hug and said "Oh spirits Kathryn they will love you!"
"Maybe I should go home." Sighed Kathryn as she began to stand up for where she sat with him.
"Kathryn darling, you're going to have to face my children sooner or later." He told her as he watched her where she stood.
"Are you in custody of them?" she asked turning to him.
Chakotay rose to his full height and snapped defensively at her "they are my children, no matter what."
"Chakotay, back down, there's no need to be so defensive, I know they are your children, I would never ask you not to see them." She told him squeezing his arm for reassurance.
With a sigh he told her sadly "I suppose I am sad, I have been their father but not in the way I would have wished."
Kathryn was about to say something to reassure him when Trellah's stiff Borg like voice came from behind them "Father we have returned from our recreational walk." Causing both Kathryn and Chakotay to pull away from each other and look at the children. Kathryn's heart began to pound and her muscles began to tighten in fear.
"Kathryn!" Sanwee exclaimed as she ran up to Kathryn and wrapped her arms around her hips. "Have you come to teach me how to play guitar?"
Kathryn glanced at Chakotay and then at Duva and Trellah who was holding Hanhan, all eyes were on her. Slowly she looked down at the apprehensive four year old looking up at her, Kathryn knelt down to her level and said softly "maybe one day but not today sweet heart."
Chakotay took his daughters hand and guided her away from Kathryn saying, "Sanwee Kathryn isn't very well today."
"Are you sick?" Sanwee asked with her wide jet-black eyes looking right at her, identical to her fathers when he was concerned for her. The caused her to smile.
"A little." Kathryn nodded and then noticed the young boy who Kathryn had never met hovering near by staring right at her. "And you must be Duva." Kathryn said to him with a smile as she noticed how untidy his crop of jet-black hair on his head was.
"I am four of six." Stated the boy coldly.
"I see," whispered Kathryn as she glanced up at Chakotay who was looking down at his son sadly. She knew how much it pained Chakotay for his children to have designation as opposed to names. "Well it's a pleasure to meet you." She said with an eager smile turning back to the boy and offering him her hand to shake.
Duva looked her up and down once and tilted his head to examining her eyes with out taking her hand, he then told her matter-of-factly "you're the lady in the picture."
"What picture?" Kathryn asked him.
"The one that father keeps hidden in his box, he thinks nobody knows about it but I do. He takes your picture out everyday and he looks at it and cries, he always cries when he looks at your picture." Duva informed her which caused her to smile as she looked up at the slightly embarrassed Chakotay.
"Duva this is Kathryn." He said quickly, diverting the attention from his holo-image of Kathryn. The fact he didn't deny it told Kathryn what the boy said was true.
Kathryn turned her gaze from Chakotay who was at that point refusing to meet her eyes. She smiled at Duva as he asked, "how are you acquainted with my father?"
"We served together many years ago on a starship." She told him.
Before the boy had chance to say anything else, not that Kathryn was sure he was going to Chakotay's eldest stepped forward, offered her hand and said stiffly "Three of Six, Trellah."
Kathryn stood took the young woman's hand shake and nodded saying "yes I believe we have met once before, a few months back when your father was in Starfleet Medical."
"Indeed." Was all Trellah said in response.
Trellah nodded at Kathryn and then her father and said stiffly "if you excuse me I must see to my brother."
"Yes of course." Said Kathryn as she watched the fourteen year old carry the sleeping baby into the other room.
"Too Borg like for me." Whispered a sad Chakotay as he came up behind Kathryn and wrapped his arms around her. Kathryn noticed then the other two had also left the room; she was alone with Chakotay once more.
"Chakotay that's your daughter, this is your home." She whispered reminding him her could make it less Borg if he wanted to.
"Are you going to bring laughter into this house?" he asked her with a loving smile and a kiss as he turned her to face him.
"Chakotay, I can't stay the night, not with your children here." She gasped wide eyed and shaking her head.
"Kathryn, when we marry, I was hoping then at least you would stay the night." He told her slightly sarcastically but trying to make his point.
Kathryn looked into his eyes deeply for a second before she turned her face away and asked, "so you have a holo-picture of me?"
"Kathryn" he said firmly and sternly.
"Hummm." She asked giving off the air of innocence.
"I know you, you're trying to change the subject." He told her with mock annoyance in his voice as he wrapped his arms around her waist so she couldn't get away from his pretence of anger.
"Maybe." She laughed with a smile as she felt his firm grip tighten over her bottom and squeeze hard.
"You are naughty." He told her gently slapping her bottom with one hand and then tapping the tip of her nose with the other "and yes I do, it got me through these past fifteen years."
"A bright, observant son you have." She smiled at him with a laugh.
"Indeed." He agreed feeling slightly embarrassed that for many years he had not known his son had seen him.
"Have you eaten at least?" Chakotay asked letting go of her and walking into his kitchen.
With a heavy sigh she took his hand and turned him to face her, planting a gentle kiss on his lips she told him "Chakotay you need to spend time with your children, alone, talk to them about Seven, about me. I can return in the morning."
"I worry for you." He said cupping her face in his hands.
"Well don't, I will be fine." She smiled standing on her tiptoes so she could kiss his tattoo once more before turning and walking towards the front door so she could transport back to her own home "goodnight sweet heart." She called out as she dematerialized.
"Good night my fiancé." He called out with a smile just in time for her to hear.