Fuel to the Fire

Chapter36: Blame

"Wow... just... I didn't think he was half bad" Lily's mouth hung open as I relayed to her everything that had happened at the dance a week ago. Classes were due back tomorrow so we were taking the much needed time to chill out by ourselves.

"Yeah, you and me both" I muttered, scribbling out the stick figure getting hit by a bludger I was drawing on the parchment in front of me. "But he's right, you know... nothing between me and Sirius will ever be the same again" I scrunched up the paper and threw it over my shoulder.

"Oh Pey, you don't know that... I mean now that you know what happened, you guys can work on fixing it. It's all about baby steps" She smiled hopefully.

"I told him to go and die, Lily" I reminded her of the argument I had with Sirius before the Hufflepuff catastrophe.

"Peyton put it this way, if James Potter and I can actually be friends then anything is possible, right?" She sounded exasperated with me.

I snorted and nodded. "I guess you're right, Lils"

I leant back in my seat and stared out of the window next to me. The weak winter sunlight shone on the Black Lake, making it sparkle like a million diamonds.

"Oh shoot! I promised Sev I'd meet him for a walk" Lily exclaimed, getting to her feet and stuffing her books in her bag. "He said he has something important to tell me... what it is, I have no idea"

"Probably that he's totally in love with you and wants to marry you" I shrugged my shoulders.

"No he said it was a surprise... that isn't a surprise" She rolled her eyes. I burst out laughing at the look on her face.

"No. No it's not" I smiled as she waved and left, leaving me alone in the library.

At first it was nice to just have peace and quiet. Then it got quite lonely, so I gathered up my own things and left.

I was just walking past the entrance hall when I heard someone call my name.

"PEYTON! HEY! PEY!"

I frowned and back tracked my steps.

"Sirius... hey" I replied, glancing at my feet awkwardly, unsure of what to say next.

About the dance... let's forget everything and start over?... Hey, I'd really like to kiss you again... You know your brother is a total head-case and I should have listened to you...

Somehow I don't think any of them were the right way to bring up everything that had happened. Sirius trotted over and came to a stop in front of me.

"How... how are you?" He asked, running a hand through his hair. It was wet and plastered to his face. And it looked adorable.

"I'm fine... trying to finish homework before school starts tomorrow... failing miserably" I smiled slightly.

"You and homework?" He snorted "I don't believe it"

"Shut up" I laughed slightly, shaking my head. I swallowed. This was awkward, forced, fake. Why was it so hard to just be like we used to be?

Oh yeah, because you had a huge fight, he admitted he loves you and you ran away from him like a little girl.

"Hey, uh... what are you doing right now?" He spoke again when I didn't say anything else. I glanced up at him through my lashes.

"Nothing... why?" I quirked my eyebrow and hitched my bag back over my shoulder. Sirius reached out and took it from me.

"Because we're having an epic snowball fight but Remus doesn't want to play anymore... so we need a fourth... and you would usually be playing with us... so... I guess I just thought of you" He trailed off, as if unsure of what to say.

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this...

"Uh... that sounds – "

"TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW, SNIVELLUS! APOLOGISE!"

"JAMES! NO! PUT HIM DOWN!"

Lily's and James' voices floated in from outside. Sirius and I exchanged a look and then hurried into the sunshine.

The sight that met us usually would have made me laugh and if it wasn't for the murderous look in James Potter's eyes I probably would have. Severus Snape hung upside down from invisible ropes in the air, his robes falling down around his ears.

"APOLOGISE NOW, SNIVELLUS" James yelled again. Lily tugged on his arm.

"Please James. Put him down... It's ok, I don't mind..." She bit her lip.

"James mate, put him down" Sirius placed a hand on his friends back. "Merlin, I step away for two seconds and all hell breaks loose" He threw me a smile and a wink and I felt myself blush.

Damnit!

"Lils, what happened?" I said to my rather distressed friend.

"Oh it was stupid really... Severus and I were walking past and James decided to be an idiot, showing off like he usually does... and Sev... well Sev made a comment under his breath about him... and I kind of defended James and he called me a 'mudblood'" She explained, her lip trembling slightly.

"James called you a mudblood?" I blinked.

"NO! Severus called me one" She shook her head. "And James heard him"

"SHE'S BEEN NOTHING BUT NICE TO YOU ALL THESE YEARS!" James was yelling at Severus as he dropped the Slytherin to the ground. "SHE'S ABOUT THE ONLY THING THAT'S STOPPED ME FROM KICKING YOUR ASS"

"I can't believe you defended James" I nudged Lily. She shrugged a shoulder, a small smile on her face.

We watched as Severus got to his feet. "Lily... Lily I'm – "

"You don't get to talk to her" Sirius stepped in front of him, cutting off his desperate words "You don't get to talk to any of us"

Severus took one look between James and Sirius and made a beeline for the castle. Lily sighed, her lip still trembling slightly.

"Are you ok?" I placed a hand on my friends arm.

"Yeah. Sure. I'm fine" She nodded, blinking a little too much to be 'fine'. James walked over and took her hand in his.

"Are you sure?" He blinked at her with big, brown eyes.

She smiled up at him. "I am... Thanks"

When she didn't look away from him, I took it as my cue to leave them in peace. Instead, I walked over to Sirius who was picking up my bag from the snow.

"I'm sorry, I dropped it when – "

"It's ok... nothing a drying charm won't fix" I took out my wand and my bag dried instantly. He smiled and shouldered it again.

"I guess we're not needed here" He nodded his head toward our friends. They were wandering away from us, clearly in their own little world.

"I guess not" I smiled. "Common room?" I asked.

"Sounds great" He nodded. We started off in silence, walking together for the first time in months.

"You were right –"

"Pey, about the ball –"

We started to say at the same time after a few minutes of silence. We glanced at each other and laughed, coming to a stop in the empty hall.

"You go..."

"No you" He insisted. I bit my lip and took a deep breath.

"You were right about your brother... he's spiteful and evil and I'm sorry" I admitted, letting out the breath of air in a puff.

"It's ok... I shouldn't have tried to control who you're friends with" He shrugged a shoulder.

I blinked at it. I was expecting him to say I told you so. I was expecting him to look all self righteous and cocky because I was wrong about his brother. Instead he just looked... well... sorry.

I wished he would look cocky and self righteous.

"But I was wrong about him... He wasn't what I thought... you were right" I said again. I was desperate. I needed him to tell me I was wrong because that's when things would be back to normal.

"Pey, I think deep down my brother was the person you saw... I really do" He ran a hand through his hair. "But at the end of the day, his main goal was to get to me, which is what he did"

"I'm still sorry" I muttered.

"Don't be" He reached and grabbed my hand. "He's a Slytherin for a reason lov – erm, Pey" He corrected himself, dropping my hand as quickly as he'd grabbed it. A sinking feeling erupted in my stomach.

"I guess you're right. At the end of the day, whatever he showed me was still an act" I sniffed, my lip trembling. "A lie" I added. "All he wanted was to get to you and he did... and I'm an idiot for letting it happen"

"Pey, don't cry...Please... I hate seeing you cry" Sirius bit his lip.

"I feel so stupid... so... humiliated" I sucked in a breath around my words. I was trying hard not to cry, and failing miserably.

"Pey, come on... He's just an asshole. Everything will be ok" He stood awkwardly watching me, unsure of what to do.

"But it's not the same, Sirius. It's not going to be the same. Regulus screwed it up and I let him!" I exclaimed, more pissed off with myself than I had ever been. "It's all my fault"

"Hey c'mon. It's not your fault...We're still friends. We will always be friends..." He reached for my hand again and jerked me into him. "And my stupid brother can't change that" He held me tightly against his chest. I breathed in deep to hold off the tears but some escaped. "Please don't cry... You're my best friend... nothing will change that"

I sighed against his chest. Somehow, that didn't comfort me any. I didn't want to be friends. I wanted more.

Plea's Note:

This is late and I'm an awful person. On the bright side I get to work with Draco Malfoy look-a-like tonight Gonna be a good night at work.

Xo Plea