This chapter was written by KenrickMNP
Valkyrie and Tanith sat in the living room in silence. Tanith was reading 'Salem's Lot, by Stephen King as she sat upside down, and Valkyrie was playing a game on her phone. She had originally downloaded it for Alice, but had become addicted to it after playing one level when she was bored. Suddenly though, she put her phone down.
"I forgot!" She announced excitedly. Tanith looked up questioningly as Valkyrie ran upstairs.
Tanith sat her book down, forgetting to put a bookmark in it, and watched Valkyrie run back in with a flower necklace. "Ta-da!" Valkyrie said, holding it up.
Tanith frowned, but then realised what the flower necklace was for when Valkyrie put it over her face rather than around her neck.
"Oh my god," Tanith said, pronouncing it like oh ma gauhhd. "Berries?" she asked.
"Berries," Valkyrie replied. "There's quite a few, so we can do all of them."
"Yes. There's like a whole saga. I don't think we'll do all of them though. Only the best ones."
"Which are?" Valkyrie asked.
"I have no idea. The grape one and the orange one come to mind first, we'll think about the other ones," Tanith said. "Which one of us is gonna be the star?"
"Well I have the flower thing. I think it should be me. Unless you want to do it, because your impression was pretty good. In which case it can still be me."
"Well I guess that's settled. You ready for the first one?"
"Yes. Which one is the first one?" Valkyrie asked.
"I don't actually know. The grape one or the orange one. Maybe the grape one?"
"I think the grape one," Valkyrie said, "however, I don't have any grapes. I do have oranges. Let's do that one first."
"I shall retrieve an orange for thee," Tanith said, then jogged to the fruit bowl and back, which really wasn't far enough to warrant her jogging. She held an orange in front of her in both hands, and presented it to Valkyrie as if it were a holy object. Valkyrie picked up the orange.
"Now- am I filming in selfie mode, or are you filming in normal mode?"
"I feel like it might be easier to have me doing it, even though I'm pretty sure the original vines are selfie."
"You can film," Valkyrie said, "so that you're not completely useless."
"I'm going to choose not to take offense at that. Your phone, please?" Tanith held out her hand and Valkyrie handed her her phone. "You know what you need to say?"
"Oh my god," Valkyrie said in the same voice as Tanith had, "I still haven't found my berries, but! I found this." Valkyrie held up the orange and licked it.
"It's a pity I didn't film that, it was pretty good."
"Well, you can film this time," Valkyrie waited for Tanith to bring the camera up to her face. Tanith stuck her thumb up to indicate she had begun filming. "Oh my god! I still haven't found my berries. But- I found this." Valkyrie held up the orange, Tanith pulled the camera away slightly, and Valkyrie licked the orange. Tanith stopped filming.
"That's a wrap!" Tanith said, "now- you don't have grapes. There's one with grapes. We need grapes."
"We should go buy some grapes," Valkyrie said, "but first, there's that one that's like 'Oh my god, you guys! I found my berries. I'm just kidding, I don't know where they are,' it would be more logical to do that one first."
"Bold of you to assume I ever do anything in the logical order. Let's go buy some grapes!"
"Grapes!" Tanith announced it boldly in the middle of the shop, getting an odd look from an old lady picking up a net of satsumas. "These ones are mouldy."
"Oh fudge nuggets. Should we tell someone?" Valkyrie asked. She took the grapes from Tanith and confirmed that they certainly were mouldy.
"I don't want to bother anyone. Let's just pick the mouldy ones off."
"Nuh uh," Valkyrie said, "I have to eat them."
"Well, you're spit them out."
"Still, my point stands. Let's subtly put them back and let someone else deal with the mouldiness. Black grapes will do." Valkyrie picked up a box of black grapes, checking to make sure they weren't also mouldy. They were not.
"Let's go buy these grapes," Tanith said, heading towards the till. "Actually, it seems weird and unnatural to buy only healthy things. It also seems like a waste of a trip."
"Let's get some coke, too," Valkyrie said. They diverted their course for the drinks section, and each got a 1.5 litre bottle of cherry coke.
"Ah… there's no better feeling than ruthlessly rotting your own teeth," Tanith said, satisfied after placing the bottles in their basket.. "Okay, that should do it, now we can pay for this and get back for some vines."
They were later in leaving the shop than anticipated. The woman in front of them took an atrociously long time complaining about something along the lines of 'mouldy grapes.' Valkyrie and Tanith hadn't said anything.
"I feel bad for the girl at the till," Valkyrie said once they were in the car, "I feel like we should've done something."
"Did you hear how loud I tutted?" Tanith replied, "what more could we have done? Bearing in mind I left my sword at your place."
"Yeah… good point."
When they got back, Valkyrie shut Xena in the kitchen, along with a couple of toys to keep her entertained.
"Normally she's a good girl, but grapes are very bad for doggos and I don't trust her not to eat one," Valkyrie explained.
Tanith nodded vigorously in agreement, which wasn't a good idea because she also happened to be drinking her coke, and only gripping it by the neck of the bottle, so she briefly lost her grip and spilled coke down her chin and neck, and choked on what was in her mouth. Fizzed up coke spilled out of her nose.
"Well done," Valkyrie said, looking at Tanith with underwhelmed disappointment.
"Thank you…" Tanith said, ashamed.
"Okay, right. What am I doing? Oh yeah, vine. You still got my phone?"
Tanith held up Valkyrie's phone, then opened the camera, firstly zooming in on Valkyrie's face.
"Action!" Tanith said.
"Oh my god!" Valkyrie said, then Tanith zoomed out as Valkyrie said, "I tink I found my berries," and held up the bunch of grapes, she gasped in awe, then nibbled a few off the bottom of the bunch, before swiftly spitting them out in disgust. Tanith zoomed in on her face again. "Not my berries," Valkyrie said, and shook her head slightly.
"Cut!" Tanith said, "we are on a roll. What other ones are there?"
"First we need to do that other one we mentioned. Then, I remembered there's one by the sea, then there's that one in the forest with the stranded people and the blueberries, which we'll need other people for. So let's do the other one first."
"Good plan, now, action!"
"Wait a minute," Valkyrie said.
"I'm filming."
"When I say 'I'm just kidding,' there's a shift in the light," Valkyrie told her, "I need a torch."
"You now have the most boring video ever on your phone," Tanith said. Valkyrie ignored her, instead searching through a small cluttered cupboard until she produced a large, blue, metal torch.
"I am a master of resourcefulness," Valkyrie said as she re-joined Tanith.
"You certainly are," Tanith said, nodding.
"Okay, so when I'm about to say 'I'm just kidding' you turn on the torch. Got it?"
"Yup," Tanith said, still nodding.
"Good. And it has to be switched off after it," Valkyrie said. "You can start filming now."
Tanith held up the phone, close to Valkyrie's face again. "Action!" she said.
"Oh my god! Guys!" Valkyrie said, "I found my berries!" Tanith switched on the torch, illuminating Valkyrie's face in bright white light. "I'm just kidding," Valkyrie continued, and Tanith switched off the torch. "I don't know where they are," said Valkyrie in a heartbroken tone of voice, as if she were about to start crying.
Tanith stopped filming.
"Cut! That was awesome. Now- who are we gonna get for the blueberry one? Or will we do the seaside one first?"
"Seaside," Valkyrie said, "it doesn't feel right to have me find my berries before we've done the others. Do you want to drive there or should we call Fletcher now, since I'm guessing we're getting him for the other one?"
"Yup," Tanith said. "Will I phone him, or will you do it?"
"Tanith, your old person brain is showing. We can both phone him. Loudspeaker."
"Don't call me old!" Tanith said, "I forgot loudspeaker existed. I apologise. Let's both phone him then. But just for that insult, you're typing in the number."
"I saved the number after last time. You see, there's this thing called autodial which-"
"Shut up! I know these things exist, they just aren't occurring to me at this specific point in time. I think I got coke in my brain."
Valkyrie laughed teasingly as she called Fletcher.
"'Ello?" Fletcher said as he answered the phone lazily.
"Hey, we need your help," Valkyrie said. "Come to the house and we'll explain. Bring a sunhat or two. Bye!"
Valkyrie heard Fletcher take a breath as if he were about to say something, but hung up before he could argue.
"The loudspeaker was actually unnecessary. I now realise that," Valkyrie said.
They waited for a few moments, then Fletcher popped up, facing the wall. He swiftly turned around, pretending he hadn't made the error, then held up the sunhats.
"Got them," he said.
"Thanks, we don't need them yet," Tanith said, "first, we're going to the beach."
"Or harbour," added Valkyrie. "Preferably the harbour actually."
"Right," Fletcher said, looking increasingly confused, until he noticed the flower necklace hanging around Valkyrie's head, then a look of realisation crept onto his face. "Oh, the berry one! Why do you need the harbour?"
"We're doing the berry saga," Valkyrie said, "not just the one, not just the two, but the however many we can remember."
"Nice," Fletcher said. Then Valkyrie and Tanith put their hands on Fletcher's shoulders, and they teleported to the pier at Haggard. Valkyrie quickly looked around, something that she always did whenever they teleported to a public place, to make sure no one saw. It was deserted, since most normal people were inside where it warm, not getting blasted by the cold wind coming in from the sea.
"Shiver me timbers it's cold," Tanith said.
"I suggest you get this done quickly," Fletcher said.
"Yup, on it," Valkyrie said. "Let's film this one in parts, since there's a couple different shots. You want to keep filming, or will I do it?" she asked Tanith.
"You can do it, that means I get to keep my hands in pockets, where it's cozy, warm, and also cozy."
"That's a good idea," Fletcher said, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
Valkyrie took the phone from Tanith and filmed a couple of seconds of the water, then stopped. She switched the camera into selfie mode and tried to get it to look right, but it didn't.
"Tanith, assistance." Tanith stepped closer, and Valkyrie handed the phone back to her, then said, "okay, now film my face so that I look all dramatic and shit."
Tanith pressed record, then frowned.
"Fletcher, you need to move, you're in the frame."
Fletcher teleported behind Tanith.
"Excellent," Tanith said, "now, action!"
Tanith began filming, and it lasted only couple of seconds, but it looked glorious, Valkyrie's hair flew out behind her, and her face was framed by the flower crown, then it ended.
"Now there's another shot of the sea, right?" Tanith said.
"Yep," Valkyrie said, "just another really short one."
Tanith filmed another second of the sea, in the same place Valkyrie had done, then stopped.
"And now it's my face again," Valkyrie said.
Tanith brought the camera up to Valkyrie's face again, though this time closer. She began filming.
"My berries are out there somewhere," Valkyrie said in that odd voice she'd been adopting for all these vines, but with a hint of dramatism.
Tanith stopped filming.
"Well that was awesome," Fletcher said, "now let's go," he put his hands on their shoulders and in an instant they were back in Valkyrie's living room. Tanith rubbed her hands together and sighed as the warmth sunk in.
"Okay, I think there's four people in the next vine. Who are we getting?"
Tanith and Fletcher both shrugged.
"That's helpful."
"Ghastly will do it if we ask," Tanith said.
"What about Skulduggery?" Fletcher asked.
"I'll ask, but I seem to remember him saying he's busy," Valkyrie said.
"How about Saracen and Dexter?" Fletcher asked.
"They're in Portugal," Tanith pointed out.
"That makes no difference with me around."
"Oh yeah, I forgot."
"Do we even need to have four people? I mean really?" Valkyrie asked, "it could be just you two and Ghastly."
"That's a good point," Tanith said, "three people is the same as four."
"It's really not but it doesn't matter because I agree," said Fletcher.
"Great! Let's go get Ghastly, then let's go find some blueberries."
"Or just some blue berries," Tanith said. Fletcher and Valkyrie looked at her questioningly. "You know, berries that are blue. Y'see, blueberries don't grow here in Ireland, do they? They come from America, right? At least in the wild. So who says they have to be blueberries? We're already going slightly off the rails, what does it matter?"
"Yeah, that's actually another good point, but also can any of us really be bothered searching around for berries that are blue? They seem rare, it might be easier just going to America. Fletcher whereabouts in the states have you been?"
"I've been to the obvious places. Like New York, Chicago, uhh. I went to Vegas but it was shit because I didn't realise you had to have money before you got there… I've been to Hollywood. That was actually pretty cool, I saw a crackhead dressed as Batman fighting with a crackhead dressed as Spiderman."
"Have you been to Oregon, Washington, British Columbia, Alaska, Maine, New Hampshire, or Vermont? According to google that's where you get blueberries," Valkyrie asked, looking at her phone.
"I've been to Oregon, Alaska, Maine, and Vermont. Out of those places."
"Where do we want to go?" Valkyrie asked.
"Hmm…" Tanith said, then she glanced down and saw her book lying where she left it earlier. "Let's go to Maine."
"Maine it is. But first, let's go get Ghastly!"
Fletcher put his hands on their shoulders, then they arrived in Ghastly's shop. Ghastly didn't look overly surprised when they popped up behind him.
"Feel like going to Maine?" Tanith asked him.
Ghastly frowned. "For how long?"
"Not sure, but it won't be long."
"Put it this way: we'll be back before the end of the day," Fletcher said.
Valkyrie nodded eagerly. "Way before then," she added.
"Okay…" Ghastly said, sounding as if they'd already convinced him. "Is this business stuff or your usual vine stuff?"
"Vine stuff," Tanith said.
Ghastly sighed, "fine, but I wish you'd come before I poured the water."
"Take your tea with you," Valkyrie said, "you might get thirsty while we're looking for blueberries."
"Looking for-?"
"Let's go!" Fletcher said, he put put his hands on Valkyrie and Tanith's shoulders, and Tanith reached over to take Ghastly's hand, then they appeared on a lonely looking road, with thin birch trees on one side and bigger ones, along with a type of pine, on the other. "Ah yes, I remember passing through here. The weather was way worse than it is now."
"We're in the middle of nowhere," Ghastly said, sipping from his mug.
"Not really," Fletcher said. "If I remember right, there's a house down here," he said this as he walked down the road, leaving the others no choice but to follow him. "Yup," he said, "see?"
There was indeed a house standing by its lonesome self, surrounded by more trees, and there was a forest set not far behind it.
"There are houses scattered all over the place here. We're not that far from Bangor, if I'm remembering it right.
"If google says you get blueberries in the wild here, then there's bound to be some over there," Tanith said, pointing to the forest.
"My thoughts exactly," Valkyrie said, "come on, we're going on an adventure!" and she led the way towards the house with the intent of going straight past it towards the forest.
"Should we really be going through some stranger's garden?" Ghastly asked cautiously, though following the others anyway.
"It's not like we're gonna be long," Valkyrie replied, almost shouting since she was further ahead, "we probably won't even be noticed."
"Still, it's rude."
"Wait a minute, why are we even walking?" Tanith said, "Fletcher, just take us over there!"
"Oh yeah," Fletcher said, then he laughed quietly to himself. Since there was a couple of yards between each of them, he didn't bother waiting for them all to join together. Instead, he teleported to each of them individually, blinking back and forth. First he took Valkyrie and dropped her off at the edge of the forest, then Tanith, and finally Ghastly.
"Well, we just saved ourselves five whole minutes of walking," Valkyrie said. "Now let the search for blueberries commence!"
They all stared into the forest, none of them making a move forward.
"Why exactly are we doing this?" Ghastly asked.
"Oh yeah, we never actually explained," Tanith said. "Well, to put it simply, we're doing the berry saga."
"That provides no help whatsoever."
"Oh my god," Valkyrie said, doing the weird voice where it sounded like oh ma gauhhd.
"What?" Ghastly asked.
"I still haven't found my berries," Fletcher said.
"I'm lost."
"You know the vine!" Tanith said.
"Not really," Ghastly replied apologetically.
"Valkyrie, show him the videos. Or at least one of them."
"Yup…" Valkyrie said, getting a video up on her phone as they began walking deeper into the forest. She held it up, and on the video Valkyrie said, 'well, I still haven't found my berries. But! I found this,' then she held up the orange and licked it.
Ghastly smiled at it, "okay, so-"
"There's another," Valkyrie said. In the video this time, she said, 'oh my god, I think I found my berries,' then nibbled a few grapes off the bottom of the bunch, before spitting them out and saying 'not my berries.'
"So the one we're doing now is Valkyrie finding her berries," Tanith said, stepping over a log, "but first we need to find some berries."
"I see," Ghastly said. "If it were, me, I would've just bought some blueberries, then tied them with a string or something, and hung them from a tree to make it look like you found some."
They all stopped walking.
"Fuck," Valkyrie said.
"Fuck," Fletcher said.
"Why didn't we think of that?" Tanith asked, turning to Valkyrie and Fletcher.
"We're idiots. That's the only explanation," Fletcher said. "Should we go home and just do that?"
"No," Valkyrie said, "we've come this far. It won't be long before we find some blueberries."
"Hey guys, I found some blueberries," Ghastly said. He had strolled off while they were talking, and come across a bush, which was populated rather scarcely with blueberries. There were four of them in a bunch hanging off a twig.
"Yes! Ghastly, you're the best," Valkyrie said, as Fletcher and Tanith hugged him. Ghastly looked very proud of himself.
"Okay, now we film this vine, and that's us done, right?" Tanith asked.
"I think so. No, there's a couple others. But I don't know them off by heart, so we'll just pretend they don't exist."
"We're so professional. Not that that matters. Ghastly, Fletcher, do you know what we're doing?"
"Yes," Fletcher said.
"No," Ghastly said.
"Okay, basically we're lost in the woods. One of us, probably me, says 'let's face it, were stranded,' then another one of us says 'look!' that can be one of you, you can rock-paper-scissors it if you want. Then during a brief shot of the berries, we all say 'blueberries!' and after that we see Valkyrie on a tree branch bouncing excitedly. We scream, make like we're running away, and then there's another shot of Valkyrie, this time laughing."
"Got it. Fletcher, you can say 'look' so that I don't do anything wrong," Ghastly said.
"There's no much that can go wrong with saying 'look' Nevertheless that is a lot of responsibility and I am prepared to take it."
"This tree will do for me," Valkyrie said. She put a hand against the trunk to balance herself, then jumped up on a long branch sticking out from the bottom, which immediately snapped, sending Valkyrie to the grassy, leafy ground. "Don't worry, I was expecting that to happen." She got up, and tried again, this time going for a slightly higher branch. When she got up there, she held onto another branch that was sticking out from just above her shoulder. "How does this look?" she asked.
"Great. I would've suggested going up there after you filmed us though," Tanith said.
Valkyrie sighed. "That is an excellent point," she said, and hopped down. "Oh well, are we ready to do this?"
"Yep," Tanith said.
"Mmhmm," hummed Fletcher.
Ghastly just nodded.
"I was hoping for something more enthusiastic than that," said Valkyrie said. "Let's do it again. Are we ready to do this thing?!"
"Yeah!" Tanith and Fletcher said. Tanith raised her fists in the air.
"Yeah…" Ghastly said quietly once they were finished.
"That'll have to do," Valkyrie said. "Fletcher, did you bring the sun hats?"
"I forgot them," Fletcher said.
"That's okay, because I forgot my flower crown. Would you go get them please?"
"Sure,"
"Wait a minute," Ghastly said. He gulped down the last of his tea then held out his empty mug. "So that it doesn't get broken," he said. Fletcher shrugged, took the mug, and vanished. Two seconds later, he reappeared, holding two sun hats and a flower crown.
"You guys can wear the hats," Fletcher said, tapping a ridiculous spike of hair in explanation. He held out the hats. Tanith and Ghastly took one each, then Fletcher chucked the flower crown to Valkyrie. It spun in the air like a miniature hula hoop, before Valkyrie caught it.
"Now, get in position, folks!" Valkyrie said as she wrapped the flower crown around her head.
"We're pretty much already in position," Tanith said.
"Oh well, in that case…" Valkyrie took her phone out of her pocket once again, and switched it on. "In that case..." She opened the camera, and pointed it at Tanith, Fletcher and Ghastly. "In that case… make it look like you guys have been walking. Action!"
Tanith took a step forward and said, "let's face it, we're stranded."
"Cut!" Valkyrie said.
"That was ridiculously easy," Ghastly said.
"I know, right?" Tanith said.
Valkyrie turned around and focused the camera on the blueberries. "You guys ready?"
"Yup," Fletcher said.
"Action!"
"Look!" said Fletcher. Then him, Tanith and Ghastly exclaimed "blueberries!"
"Cut!" Valkyrie said. "Just a couple more videos to go, guys!"
Valkyrie handed the phone to Tanith, then climbed up the tree until she was standing slightly crouched. She bounced a couple of times to test the branch's strength.
"Okay, I'm ready," Valkyrie said.
"Action!" said Tanith.
"Oh ma god!" Valkyrie said. She bounced slightly on the branch,and shook the tree.
"Cut," Tanith said. She handed the phone back to Valkyrie, who hopped off the tree.
"Action!" Valkyrie said. Tanith, Ghastly, and Fletcher screamed, and backed away in a frightened manner. "Cut!" Valkyrie said.
Valkyrie handed the phone back to Tanith, and climbed back onto the tree. Tanith brought the camera up to Valkyrie's face. "Action," Tanith said, whispering this time, simply to give a little variety to the word.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha ha!" Valkyrie laughed in a high pitched tone, then Tanith stopped filming.
"Done! We're finished guys!" Tanith said.
"Hooray!" Fletcher cheered.
"Yay!" Ghastly said, not entirely convincingly.
"You know, being up here bouncing on this branch reminds me of another vine we should do," Valkyrie said. Then the branch she was standing on snapped. She didn't let go of the branch she was holding onto straight away though, and spun around as she fell. She hit the ground hard. "We can do that one another time," she groaned.
Later that night, after Fletcher had taken them all home, Valkyrie was taking a tub of microwave noodles out. She tipped them onto a plate, wincing as she burned her fingertips. She took the steaming plate through to the living room to rejoin Tanith and Xena.
"I'm finished," Tanith said. She was eating the grapes from earlier. "All the videos that required it are edited, and we now have the best of the berry saga. Do you feel accomplished? I know I do."
"I feel accomplished," Valkyrie said through a mouthful of hot noodles. "Well, are we watching them or not?"
"I was waiting for you to swallow. You don't want this viewing experience tarnished by the sound of noodles swishing and swooshing around in your mouth."
"Okay, well I've swallowed." Valkyrie said, "now can we watch please?"
"Of course, since you asked nicely."
Tanith pressed play.
Next time, you need to press one to talk to Valkyrie.
Should be back to normal next week. I'm back from work experience, back at school (it's bad as normal) and hopefully I'll get my chapter finished. I'm away this weekend, I'm off to Berlin for a school trip but I should get my chapter done in time. (I'm away Saturday to Tuesday.)
Usual stuff - requests send them in, know any languages used in previous chapters, send them in.
Until next time!