Chapter 38: Coping
Sarek stared at the 3D-chess board before him. Chess enabled him to think clearly. Logically. Unemotionally.
It was a complex game- and it required his full attention. It was a test of strategy, of wit. It distracted him. While he played chess, he could not think about Amanda, and the way her voice had sounded as she told him to leave...he could not think of what he had felt from her and seen in her mind when he was with her. This was what he required right now.
He saw movement out of the corner of his eye, but did not even look up as he reached out to move a knight.
"T'Shan," he acknowledged. The Vulcan woman stepped forward from the doorway, into the dim lighting. "How is she faring?" he asked.
"She is sleeping again. The contusions are fading, and she is asking for pain-suppressants less often," T'Shan replied. "Osu...it has been three days. It is not my place to ask this, but why do you not visit her?"
"She told me to go," Sarek said flatly. "Will you join me in a match?"
She hesitated, and then sat across the table from him. He reset the board, and made his first move.
"When I enter the room," T'Shan said slowly. "I can only describe the expression she gives as 'disappointed'. I am unfamiliar with facial cues, but I am certain that is what it is. She is disappointed because she expects me to be you."
"You are assuming. How illogical," Sarek said bitterly as she moved a piece.
"I am not assuming. I am observing," T'Shan retorted. "She does not ask for you, but I believe she wishes to. There are times when she begins to say something, and stops."
"She could be attempting to say anything," Sarek countered as he debated his next move. "Why are you concerning yourself with this?"
"I am not 'concerning' myself with anything," T'Shan said, stiffening in her chair at the implication. "I am merely informing you of how she is faring, which is what you asked of me."
"You seem to have grown fond of her. I have never heard you become so defensive," Sarek said, eyes still on the board.
"Perhaps that is what she requires at this time, and you are not willing to give it because you are illogically dwelling on what has happened," T'Shan said, her voice as even as ever, but infused with disapproval. "You are failing in your duties as bond mate. You are charged with the responsibility of caring for her and seeing her through such times. You have not done so, and your reasoning is that she 'told you to go'. You have not even tried to see her again."
"I do not see how this warrants your interference, T'Shan," Sarek said coldly.
"You are speaking to the woman who has known you since infancy and assisted in raising you, Sarek," T'Shan replied, her voice icy. "I know very well how your mind works. You will allow guilt to consume you."
Sarek noted that she had called him by his name, without the appropriate title- which she only did in private and when particularly displeased with him. There had been very few occasions when she was this forceful, speaking above her rank. Each time, it had been necessary.
He had known her all his life. She had been more of a mother to him than his own mother- as illogical as such a thought was, and even though she was only sixteen years his senior. He trusted her more than all the rest of his servants, combined. That was why she was head of staff. The fact that she was considered beneath him and must therefore follow his orders did not matter- he respected her, and sometimes she did see fit to intervene in his affairs. Yet unlike with T'Pau, it was always in his best interest to listen to her.
T'Shan had disapproved heavily of Amanda when he first started courting her. She had not said as much, but he knew it from the way she observed him. Eventually, disapproval had morphed into grudging acceptance, and then into tentative approval. Now, it appeared that she was fending for Amanda. She had, indeed, grown fond of her, although he was unsure of why or how that had occurred.
"She did not want my presence. It would not have been logical to pursue the matter," Sarek finally replied.
"She did not want it at the time," T'Shan corrected. Sarek did not reply as he moved his queen. He could not argue that point. "You cannot expect to heal your marriage if you do not attempt to mend it," she continued.
"You are speaking above your station," Sarek replied rigidly.
"You are correct, osu," T'Shan said quietly, slipping back into her servile demeanor as she moved her rook. "I apologize."
But she had said what she came to say, and Sarek knew it. As she had intended, her words had stirred a different kind of guilt within him. She was right- he had not been attending to his duties as bond mate by avoiding Amanda. He glanced up at her, and saw that the very smallest of smirks was playing at the corners of her mouth. Her eyes met his, and he wanted to curse. She always managed to do this, somehow. She was as crafty as T'Pau, if not sometimes more so.
"Checkmate, osu," T'Shan now said, and he stared at the board. Sure enough, he was in check, and there was no available move. Perhaps he had been more distracted than he realized.
"I see," he said, and sat back in his chair. "I will take what you have said into consideration, T'Shan."
She stood from her seat and made her way to the door.
"It is time to administer her medication," she said. "She should awaken soon."
She left, and Sarek was left looking at the chess board. He had been dwelling. Like Amanda, the rational portion of his brain told him it could not have been helped- he would have died otherwise. Amanda had known what was going to happen, and accepted the fact that he would become violent and she could be injured. But then there was that troublesome part of him, from which emotions originated...his sorrow and regret ran deep, making him feel heavy.
On the day of his return, he had contacted the embassy to extend his requested leave. He did not wish to return to work until Amanda was physically recovered. He had intended to be in her chamber, every minute of every day...but then she'd wanted him gone. That had hurt. He'd expected as much, but when T'Shan had come to inform him that she wanted him, he had begun to illogically hope that maybe she could look past what had happened, and forgive him.
The fact that she wanted to place the blame on herself was supremely illogical, even by human standards. It was, in no way, her fault- and if he had a chance, he would hasten to assure her of that. She had made the decision to help him, true- but that did not make it her fault.
He could not control the way his biology was structured. He could not prevent Pon Farr, or the subsequent loss of emotional control and absence of the ability to check his strength. But that knowledge did not make him feel any less regretful.
Emotions were complicated. He understood why some Vulcans eradicated them through the kolinahr. It was difficult- nearly impossible, sometimes- to ignore them entirely. If he were completely logical, he would be able to accept this situation by the facts alone, without such interference. As it were...
Sarek stood, and headed out of the gathering room. He walked down the corridor, up the stairs, down another hallway...he stopped briefly at Amanda's door, listening. He could hear the soft murmur of feminine voices within, and he almost entered...but then he continued on his way to the meditation chamber. He wasn't ready to see her again...not yet. But he knew he must soon, because T'Shan was right. He just didn't know how he would find a reason to go see her without admitting that he simply wanted to.
Amanda watched as T'Shan entered the newest sentences into her PADD. They had resumed her Vulcan lessons, and were now starting to get into sentence structure- which was proving to be difficult. But she was glad to have something to do.
T'Shan had spent most of the last three days with her. She wasn't sure if that was on Sarek's orders, or of her own volition. She didn't care...if Sarek wasn't going to visit her again after their argument, at least she would have someone for company.
At first she'd decided it was good that he stayed away, because she knew what she would see when she saw him...but after a few days, she had to admit she missed him. Was he still suffering? Had what he'd seen and felt from her only made it worse? She didn't want him to suffer, she really didn't. If there was a way to help him, she would take it. This was all for him, after all. She lay there in bed, for him. Not because of him...for him.
She missed the way things had been before. So peaceful, so happy. She could even go so far as to call that first month on Vulcan perfect. A real taste of what their marriage could be like. Now...everything was different.
"I have written ten phrases in Vulcan, ten in Standard," T'Shan said, handing her the PADD. Amanda took it, looking down at the screen.
"Please, have mercy," she joked. T'Shan stared. "Never mind," Amanda said, shaking her head with a small smile. T'Shan wasn't always the best of company- she didn't appear to have a sense of humor, and unlike Sarek, she was unfamiliar with human ways and sayings. Beyond their studies, she did not speak much. But her presence was enough. Amanda wasn't alone.
Physically, she felt a lot better. Her pain was lessening by the day, and the bruises on her arms were almost gone, the others faded. The bite marks were closed over, although still pink and raw. Her rib was as painful as ever, but it was tolerable. She was healing, and soon there would be no signs of what she had endured from- and for- Sarek.
Mentally...she wasn't sure yet. She didn't appear to be in shock anymore, as she could now close her eyes without seeing dark images in her mind's eye- in fact, she could think about Sarek without such thoughts intruding, and that was an improvement after the first day. For the most part, she didn't even think about what had happened. Right now, she was focused more on getting better and somehow getting Sarek alone so they could try to fix this. She didn't know how they would fix it, but she knew it had to happen. There must be a way to return to how they had been before. She wanted to be happy with her husband again.
Maybe the rational part of her was starting to take over and engulf the irrational. Maybe she would be able to see him now. Maybe...just maybe...she would even be able to touch him- a light touch of his arm, her hand against his cheek. She ached to see him, despite all that had happened.
"Lady Amanda?" T'Shan asked. Amanda blinked, looking up. The Vulcan woman was looking at her peculiarly again. "You have not even begun your translations," she said.
"Oh," Amanda said, and cleared her throat before training her eyes on the screen again. "I was just a little distracted for a moment."
T'Shan's gaze was steady on her as she continued her work. She could feel her eyes burning into her. Surely she knew exactly what had distracted her, but she said nothing.
When the translations were finished, T'Shan went over them with her, pointing out her mistakes and instructing her on how to correct them in the future. She was an excellent teacher, and Amanda could only hope she would be as good, one day.
"T'Shan..." Amanda said thoughtfully, looking out the window toward the red sky. "Do the Terran ambassador's children live on Vulcan?"
"I am not sure, as their situation in no way relates to me," she replied. "But most ambassadorial families are stationed on planets together. Osu Sarek would know the answer to your query."
Amanda looked at the Vulcan suspiciously. T'Shan was not looking at her, instead looking down at the PADD, but she had a feeling that she was being...well, sneaky. She was trying to get her to ask for Sarek. She had made similar comments the past few days, and each time, Amanda had the feeling she was hinting at something.
"I was just wondering...I mean, I'll need something to do when I get my degree here in six weeks, and I was thinking that maybe I could apply for a position as a tutor. Children can't rely solely on computer programs for their education, as I'm sure they have to do here. They could benefit from having someone to help them."
"There is no need to explain yourself, Lady Amanda. I already deduced that was your intention when you asked me," T'Shan replied. She finally looked up. "It would be wise to find occupations to fill your time."
"I know it would be, that's why I'm doing it," Amanda replied with a small smile.
T'Shan returned to the PADD, and Amanda sat back against the headboard, her knees drawn up to her chest. She looked out the glass-paned door at the balcony beyond, and recalled the day when Sarek had played his ka'athyra for her on his own balcony. She rested her head against the pillow behind her, letting herself reminisce about that peaceful moment.
That had been how she envisioned their marriage to be. She'd thought at the time how the rest of her life could be like that. Three days later, she had been brought back to reality. Pon Farr was yet another huge contrast between their cultures, and surely it would not be the last. In that wonderful moment during which her soon-to-be husband played music for her, she had been able to forget the adversities they faced. She wanted to go back to that moment, even if only briefly, so that she could lose herself in it and forget their current troubles.
Her eyes slipped close, and she could almost feel the divan beneath her, could almost hear the haunting melody; could almost smell the dryness of the desert below, feel the heat of the Vulcan air around her. She could see Sarek in her mind- fingers moving nimbly over the strings. That memory was pure, untempered contentment.
She knew their whole marriage could be like that, if they worked toward it. But how could she make him stop blaming himself- and how could she stop trying to do the same? The truth was, no one was at fault. They'd done what they had to do to ensure his survival. And it was over now. No lasting harm was done.
Now, she felt that she actually believed it, not like she was still unconvinced. She was getting better. Physically, and possibly mentally and emotionally.
When the door slid open two minutes later, she was startled, and sat up straighter. T'Shan looked up, and then set aside her PADD, standing.
"I must go see to the staff," she said, not looking at either Amanda or Sarek as she left. Soon, they were left alone once more.
Amanda stared at Sarek, who stood looking at her, as if unsure of himself. She noticed that he carried the ka'athyra, and when she saw it, her eyebrows furrowed. How had he known?
"I was in meditation when you opened the link," he said quietly. "I know it was unintentional on your part to open it, but you were thinking of my playing the instrument. I thought you would not be unwilling to hear me play it once more."
She had opened the bond? She hadn't been aware of it. Perhaps thinking of him had been enough to do so.
"Go ahead," she said, sliding down so that she was laying on her side, facing the chair. He sat in it, and positioned the ka'athyra on his lap.
It was becoming easier for her to separate the man before her from the one in her memories. It really was not hard to do- he was so calm, so gentle-looking. This was the Sarek she knew. The other did not matter- he was gone now.
"Is there a particular song you wish me to play?" he asked, looking down at the strings.
"No, play what you want," she replied, propping her chin on her hand and watching him. He paused for a moment, considering, and then positioned his fingers to begin.
Soon, a sweet, slow tune filled the air. Amanda found herself smiling- her first true smile in days. The music was lovely, captivating...she didn't recognize the song, but it was beautiful.
His eyes were closed as he played, his head bowed forward. His fingers moved effortlessly, as if this were a song he played so often that it came from him naturally. It rose and fell, only to rise again, the notes blending together smoothly. Amanda watched him, eyes softening, as well as her heart. Any anger she still felt toward him from their argument was falling away.
When the song ended, and he opened his eyes as if coming out of a daze, the first thing he saw was her smile.
"Come here," she said. He hesitated, tilting his head.
"Are you sure that is wise?" he asked.
"Yes, I'm sure," she said. He stood, setting the ka'athyra on the chair before joining her, sitting on the edge of the bed- far enough away so that he wasn't touching her.
She had not been this close to him since that day, but she wasn't disturbed by it. She could feel the heat coming off his body, and it made her want to bury her head in his chest- but she did not.
"Thank you for coming," she said. "I'm sorry about the other day," she added in a lower voice.
"You should not be sorry for anything," he replied immediately, a hard edge to his voice. "You say I should not blame myself, yet you should not do so either."
"You're right," she said, and took a deep breath. "We need to talk about this."
"Is that not what we are doing now?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.
"I mean...talk about what happened in detail, and work our way through this. Our marriage isn't exactly off to a good start, here," she said.
"No, it is not," he agreed. There was a silence, during which Amanda looked down at the blanket, and he watched her. She looked up, and caught those obsidian eyes gazing at her with sadness.
"Stop looking at me like that," she said softly. "I'm not a china doll, Sarek. I'm fine. There is no lasting damage. So there's no need to feel sorry for me and be self-deprecating about this. It's over."
He did not seem convinced. He looked away from her, and she sighed. He wasn't done feeling guilty, then. She reached out and tentatively laid her hand over his, which rested between them. He jerked away, and it was like a knife going through her heart.
"Sarek..." she said, and drew away, her knees against her chest as she hugged her legs.
"It is not what you think," Sarek said, and he held up his hand. Her lips parted in surprise when she saw that the skin on his knuckles was torn, and green with bruises.
"What happened? It looks like you punched something," she said. He looked down at the hand and flexed it.
"It would appear so," he said coolly, and lowered the hand again. "Amanda, there is something I think we should do. It could help this situation."
"What is it?" she asked.
"A mind meld. There is something I wish to show you, and I hope it will assist your complete recovery," he said. "But I will not do it without your express permission."
"A mind meld," she repeated. She wasn't sure if that was a good idea at the moment, but if he thought it could somehow help her..."Okay. I trust you," she said.
He raised his hand, his fingers coming just within reach of her face.
"You are sure?" he asked gently. She nodded, and his fingers brushed against her temple. His skin was so warm, his touch so familiar...he initiated the meld, and soon their minds mingled together.
His presence was large, powerful, alien. It was so much more complex than hers- sensations, emotions, and thoughts flitted through her mind that were not hers. She was not able to capture one long enough to examine it. He thought in Vulcan, she quickly found- which did not help her understand the stream of thoughts coming from him.
"Your mind is strange," he observed in Standard. "Unfamiliar."
"So's yours," she retorted. She felt a flicker of something from him, but was unsure what it was- it may have been amusement, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. "What did you want to show me?" she asked.
"This," he said, and then she felt a surge of emotion from him- it was so overpowering that in the physical world, she gasped. It was a jumble of feelings- affection, joy, sorrow, heartbreak. He was showing her his love for her, but also what he was feeling at the moment.
"Don't feel sorrow. Please," she whispered, both in her mind and out loud. She felt...relief, and another surge of love from him. She basked in it as it filled her- overwhelmed her. She felt hot tears rolling down her cheeks- but they were happy tears. She had never known that he loved her this much. How could he contain it?
"Vulcans feel more strongly, more deeply, than humans," Sarek explained. "That is why we had to bind our emotions. The strength of our passions destroyed us."
She tried to reciprocate the flow of emotion, but found that she didn't really know how, and her effort was clumsy. She became frustrated.
"I must train you on how to operate the bond, as well as on how to control your mind," Sarek said. "Do not be frustrated with your inability."
He was soothing the irritation away, and she was calmer. She found that she did not mind this. It was nice, to have him in here with her. But they would have to discuss rules- such as no opening the bond without permission, because it was an invasion of her privacy.
"I agree," Sarek said. Amanda felt tenderness, but was unsure who it came from.
"Where were you these past three days? I wanted to see you- I regretted our argument. This Pon Farr thing needs to be put behind us, and I can't do that if you don't talk to me," Amanda said...and immediately wished she had not.
The mention of Pon Farr triggered something within him- and suddenly, she was not surrounded by warm, reassuring feelings of love- but dark, fathomless depths of self-hatred and disgust. She began to panic- she was drowning in the feelings, they were dragging her down, filling her with black emotions, and she saw flashes of images...
She was below him- sobbing with exhaustion, but he was continuing because he had to. He felt nothing at that time, but now, the memory was accompanied by revulsion and anger. He was taking her again and again and again, and she lay resigned below him. Then- he was afraid. He had never been so afraid in his life. She could die. He was carrying her in the hot sunlight, across the desert, bare feet burning. He must get home, to a physician. If she died, he'd might as well be dead himself...
He slammed his fist into the shower wall as he contemplated all that was, but should not be. He was full of anger directed at himself. He had been careless, emotional. Because of it, she suffered. Then- she was telling him to leave- and it was like someone had shot him with a phaser...
Amanda struggled to find her way out of the mass of darkness, but she could not fight the current. They were both trapped- locked together in a loop of fear, panic, and loss of control. Now, her memories were joining his, unbidden- he was above her, and she wanted it to end. He was gripping her too tightly, bruising her hips, but she barely felt the pain. It was not his fault, he could not help it, she told herself.
"Sarek! Get me out of here!" she cried, again both in her head and out loud. She felt his own fear- he was struggling, too. They were caught. But finally, he was able to clear his mind of the turbulent, painful memories long enough to disengage.
She fell back against the bed- chest heaving, her body shaking. Tears still fell from her eyes- but they were not happy any more. Sarek was breathing hard as well, hands trembling- not looking at her.
"I am sorry," he whispered sorrowfully. He placed his head in his hands. "I should not have melded with you. Neither of us were ready. I am emotionally compromised."
She said nothing- there was nothing she could say, because she knew he was right. They had not been ready- it was too soon, the wounds were still too fresh.
Amanda continued to shiver, and finally spoke after nearly a minute.
"What have we gotten ourselves into?" she whispered. "Are we going to be able to get past this?"
Sarek finally looked at her- and she saw that his eyes were tinged green, bloodshot. Was it possible that he was trying not to cry? As far as she knew, Vulcans did not cry...
"I do not know," he whispered, in anguish. Her lip trembled, and she reached out, placing her arms around him, drawing him against her and laying her head against his shoulder.
"We have to try," she said. "We love each other. We have to try. We can't let this overcome us."
He buried his face against her neck, and they held each other tightly- still trembling, still reeling from the after-effects of the meld. And she felt wetness against her skin.