A/N This is a short chapter but I had the feeling I had to make it up to ya all. For the last chapter you had to wait on for so long. So here is a little gift to ya all. I hope this will make it up. This chapter will be centered around Alex and Olivia. Enjoy reading it.
Keep R+R please. They will be appreciated like always.
Chapter 37 Heaven in your eyes.
"Congratulations, Counselor. You married a two times murderer." Olivia says softly and walks to the small bedroom and slams the door behind her and locks the door.
Abby looks confused to the closed door and then to Alex and Maricel. Both women are glaring at the tall brunette. They both understand how the Detective is feeling. And it looks like that Abby doesn't understand what just happened. But as soon as the brunette ADA sees the glares she realizes what she had said hurt her best friend. She knows that she had made a big mistake by saying that.
"Damn it. I should have kept my mouth shot." Abby sighs.
"Yes you should have. I have to hope that she will let me in later to sleep on a bed and not in one of these chairs. No matter how comfortable they may sit, sleeping on it is a whole different story." Alex says.
"I'm sorry, Alex. Clearly I wasn't thinking when I opened my big mouth." Abby apologizes.
"Don't apologize to me, apologize to Liv. It is her mind that needs to change. And you have hurt me by hurting her. So you have to tell her sorry, not me." Alex answers.
"You are right. But I don't think now is a good time to do that. She won't talk to me, not even trough a closed door." Abby says.
"I can't blame her, Abby. You have worked with her and you work with the FBI for a few years now too. You should have known what it would do with her before you said it not after. She shot two people in a week time, almost. One was her former partner and good friend, even knowing that he went to the other side and that she would have done it again if she should have, it still kills her from the inside. The worst thing you can do if you have to, is shooting someone. And she needed to shoot two people. One of them she kills and the other committed suicide. But to her she killed Neal too. So whether it was justified or not is not important, it won't make a difference. The only thing we can hope is that she won't break down now. Or at least as long as that door is locked. Because if she does I have to kick in that door. And with a cop or a agent that is never a good thing. So I think you need to suck it up and go to that door and tell her that you are sorry. No matter what she will say." Maricel says.
"Why? I mean why ain't that a good thing?" Abby asks.
"She is a cop. Even if she breaks down she will still react if I kick in that door. And she is armed. Around others we cops and agents hate to break down so when we do we still are at high alert. So being high alerted while breaking down and carry a gun is never good." Maricel says.
Abby thinks about what Alex and Maricel had said. Olivia is her best friend and she hates it that she hurt her. After a few moment the tall brunette made a decision. Abby stands up from her seat and walks to the bedroom door. She knocks on the door and waits. There is no reaction.
"Olivia, it's Abby. May I come inside for a moment? I would like to apologize to you." Abby asks.
It stays quiet for about 15 seconds. Then they all hear the door being unlocked. But Olivia doesn't open the door. Abby doubts what she should do and turns around and looks at Alex. Alex knows that Abby can go inside since Olivia unlocked the door. So she motions to Abby that she can go inside but has to be careful. Abby nods at Alex and slowly opens the door and walks inside.
"Do you want me to close the door or let it open?" Abby asks tentatively.
"Do what you want, I don't care." Olivia answers.
Abby now knows that Olivia is really hurt and is shielding herself. Maybe all the hurt isn't due to Abby's comment but partially because of the shootings. Abby decides that she leave the door open a bit. Just a few inches. That way they have some sort of privacy but on the other hand Alex still can hear them if things would get worse.
"I want to say that I'm sorry about what I said. I shouldn't have said that. I should have thought before I opened my big mouth. I'm really sorry, Liv. I know this is hard enough to deal with for you." Abby says softly.
"Have you ever shot anyone, Abigail?" Olivia asks, not looking the lanky brunette in her eyes.
"No. I haven't." Abby answers softly.
"Then you don't now how hard it is, or isn't, to deal with. And you are right you should have kept your mouth closed. I've heard your apology. I accept it, but I want you to leave this room now. Ask Alex to come inside here, please." Olivia says.
"Thank you, Liv. I will asks Alex." Abby says.
Abby walks out of the room and closes the door behind her. She doesn't think that Olivia will lock it again. She walks back to Alex and Maricel. And sits down in her chair next to Maricel again. Abby looks at Alex.
"She want me to asks you to go to her. She accepted my apologies but wanted me to leave the room. She didn't even look at me. But she talked and asked for you, so that is something at least." Abby says softly.
"For you it is. For me, I'm not sure. It could go two ways. Either she opens up at me and tells me how she is feeling or I have to fight and make her understand that I still love her and that nothing can change it." Alex says as she stands up.
Alex walks to the bedroom and knocks on the door just to be sure.
"Liv, may I come inside?" Alex asks.
"Yes, please. Come inside, Alex." Olivia answers.
Alex opens the door and steps inside. She closes the door behind her. What ever it is that they will talk about, she wants it to be private. Olivia pats next to her on the bed.
"Could you come and sit next to me?" Olivia asks softly.
Alex doesn't think about it not even for one second. She walks to bed and sit next to Olivia who is laying on the bed with some pillows behind her so she isn't laying flat. Olivia carefully pushes herself up a bit so that she is able to lay her head down on Alex's shoulder. The blonde pulls her arm around the Detective and let her hand rest on Olivia's waist.
"Do you want to talk about it or just being hold like this?" Alex ask softly, kissing the top of Olivia's head.
"I just want to lay in your arms like this for a few minutes. Then we can talk, if that's alright with you." Olivia answers.
"Of course it is. What ever it is that you need and I'm able to give or do, you can get it. So if you want to lay like this then it's alright. Take your time and if you decide that you change your mind and don't want to talk now, that's alright, sweetie. We can talk whenever you are ready. As long as you don't shut me out it will be alright." Alex answers.
"Thank you, Lex. Right now I just want to be in your arms and feel loved again. I promise you we will talk." Olivia says.
"I love you so much that sometimes words can not describe it. There are times I think my heart will burst out my body so hard it is beating. You are so loved my wonderful Detective, so loved." Alex whispers in Olivia's ear.
A few tears all falling down Olivia's cheeks silently. She does feel loved so much. For the first time in her live the Detective knows what true love is. They stay like this for a few minutes, safely and comfortable in each others arms. Then Olivia starts talking to Alex.
"I know you do, but I can't believe it. That you still love me after I killed two persons." Olivia says.
"Now you listen to me and listen good, Olivia Benson. You had no choice with either of them. You had to shoot them. Stabler and Neal got this because they would have shot you to die. Both were gonna go after me and possibly after Abby and Maricel as well. I know it is the worst thing to do for a cop. But it was the only thing you could do. Yes they died but Elliot had shot you twice and Neal took her own live. That isn't your fault. She decided to do that, not you. She would have survived it and lived. She knew it was over for her and that she would have died in prison probably. Sooner or later. She didn't want that and that's why she pulled the tube out I think. You had nothing to do with that. She wanted that and she did that. There is nothing to blame on you for that decision or action. So yes I still love you. And nothing can change that, Detective. Nothing or nobody can change my love for you. So you better get used to it. That I love you unconditionally. Because that's what it's gonna be for the rest of our lives. You are stuck with me, Alexandra Benson-Cabot, for the rest of your live." Alex says.
"Kathy and the kids are hating me, I'm sure. And they are right, I robbed them from their father and husband when I shot him and took his life. I destroyed their lives. I know that he was dirty and that he would have going after you, but that doesn't mean that I still had to shoot my former partner and close friend. I would do it again if I had too. But it would hurt and makes me feel like the monster I am, every time I had to do it." Olivia says.
"He is responsible for his own dead, Olivia. The moment he decided to come to Canada, to our safe house he knew that he would get shot by either Marcel, you or Abby. He chose to do it anyway. He knew you would never let him pass willingly. He knew he had to kill you to get to me and he also knew that you would shoot him when he pulled his gun. There is nothing to blame on for you. It's him and only him. I'm sure that Kathy didn't know he was dirty. She will have heard that too. They told her what happened and how it did. She will be angry at you, maybe, but not for ever. She will realize that he putted himself in that situation and that you had no other choice. The few times I saw her she gave me the impression that she is a smart woman. She will understand. She will grief about her husband, like you will grief about your former partner and good friend. But she also will feel sorry for you. That he made you do what you did. Because you needed to. Being married to a cop or in our case a Detective brings risks with it. We knew that when we agreed to marry you both. Because we love you. We know that there is a chance that one day one of your colleagues comes to our door and tell us that you have died in the line of duty. We know that you can or will get hurt on the job. We don't want to think about it and pushes it to the backs of our heads. But we know it. But that's what happens when you fall in love with a Detective and decide to pursue a relationship with them and marry them. My job isn't without risks either. We both have found that out the hard way. But being a prosecutor, you always will have enemies, like you have being in law enforcement. That's just something that comes with the job. And so is having to shoot somebody when it is necessary. It is just the most hard and hated part of your job. It doesn't make you a monster. Not if you have to react on the actions of others. The persons that act like that are the monsters. The ones that kill, rape, abuse or commit any other heinous crime. They are the monsters. They are the scumbags. But they choose to do it. Everyone has a choice to do it or to not do it. And they choose to do it. They are the ones that are responsible. You aren't a monster, not one part of your body or mind is. If anything you are an angel. You remember the Darrel Guam case, don't you? I'm sure you do. I also know that you remember what I said in my opening and closing statements. And that is what I really believe in. You are no monster and you never will be. Because there is not one bad bone in your body, Detective. You always have a choice to walk away from it. I know you would seek for help if you would need too. But you won't need it. You may need help to deal with the aftermath of what happened. But that is because you are a good person, a good human being. You think I would agree to marry a bad and evil person? Hell no. So stop thinking that you are a monster. Because you are not and never will be." Alex says.
"I hope you are right about Kathy. Do you really think she won't be angry at me for the rest of our lives?" Olivia asks.
"Yes. I really do." Alex answers.
"The Darryl Guam case really got me. It was the hardest and most difficult case for me I've ever had before this case came. I started to doubt about myself. Thought that the fear turning into my father sooner or later would become true. I started to doubt if I really had a choice or that I was doomed to become him at some point in my life. Your closing statement meant so much to me. It still does. You were so convinced and still are that we do have a choice. It means the world to me that you said what you so strongly believe in, that you said it out loud. After my strongest emotions faded it was what you said, what you believe in, that helped me to get myself back together. And maybe since you are equally convinced that I'm not a monster, I'm not. I don't say I believe that yet. But there is chance that I will believe it some day in the future. This kind of pain takes time to get away. But with you by my side I think that at least I have chance to get over this. Because I know you will never lie to me. Never tell me something you don't believe in or you're not standing behind with." Olivia says.
"I knew you were fighting with yourself over something. I didn't know what it was exactly but I knew it was something big. Something that had been bothering you for a long time. I knew about your mother a bit and I thought it could have something to do with that. So for me my closing statement wasn't just for the jury. It was a dedication to you. To let you know what I really thought and still think about this. Darryl Guam gave me the opportunity to say it out loud in front of a courtroom full of people. I knew you would be in the courtroom listening to me. So when I wrote my closing statement I didn't write it with my head, my mind only. I wrote it with my heart too. Hoping that when I gave it you would pick up the hidden message to you in it. I was already head over heels in love with you for a long time. And it was important for me that you knew what I thought. What I didn't know was how much the case was getting you. I found that out afterwards. When you came to me that night of the closing statements. My heart broke when I saw you being so miserable. You didn't told me what it was exactly why it was getting you so much, but you didn't have too. I knew that what ever it is was, it was killing you inside. And I was so glad that you came to me. Trusted me to let me see yourself without the walls. That was when I knew you completely trusted me. And I vowed that night that if you would let me, I would always be there for you if need me. That with me you didn't need to pull up those walls, that you could be yourself and that I would catch you every time you fall. Be there for your when you would feel lonely and miserable. Make you feel safe and loved. Because you are. I love you so much. I love you for a very long time now, Liv. I think around the time we had the Jill Foster case. I noticed that when the whole squad and Cragen were badgering me, you didn't. You didn't say a word, but I knew by looking at your face that you didn't like what they were doing. Because of the fact that you didn't say anything I knew you didn't agree with them and that meant so much for me. That was when I knew that not only was I hopelessly in love with you but that I loved you too. And every day since then I love you more. Every time when I think that it isn't possible to love you more, to be in love with you more, you do something that makes me fall deeper for you and love you more then I already did." Alex says.
"For the first time in my life I feel loved, truly loved. I never knew what it is to be loved. To feel to be loved. You showed me and show me what that is. For the first time in my life I have something to fight for that is worth fighting for. Because I know you won't leave me. You know all the bad things about me, you know that I'm damaged and you still married me. I know that I'm still insecure. And I know that there will be times when my fear will get the best of me. That I'm afraid that I will screw it up and that you leave me, but I know that when that happens you will be there and that you will show me and convince that you will stay with me." Olivia says.
"That's right, Olivia Benson. I will stay with you, I will always stay with you. We are going to grow old together. You and I will have children some day and somewhere in the future our children will get children of their own. I'm in this for the long haul, Liv. I want the whole picture with you. The house with a backyard, where some day our children will be playing, the dog will running around them and we will sit on the veranda watching them. One day, all of this, our dream, will be there. Will become reality. And till then I will be more then happy to be with you alone. Just the two of us together. Loving each other and make love. Somewhere in my life I must have done something good, because here I am with the love of my life by my side. Making me feel loved, adored, admired and safe. You are the only one who can make me feel all of that. You are the one that I feel safe with, no matter what. Because I know that you always will protect me. And you will never ever lay a hand on me. Not even point a finger at me that way. I have had a good childhood, with parents that love me. With family that love me. But this is the first time for me too, that I feel the way I'm feeling when I'm with you. You don't have to say you love me, I know it. I know it with the way you look at me, the way you touch me, the way you hold me. Of course it feels good when you say it to me. But I know it anyway. I'm the most happy and lucky woman on this planet. Because I am the one that has you." Alex says, looking at Olivia with stormy blue and watery eyes.
"I would like to have everything you just said with you so much. You mean the world to me, Alexandra Benson-Cabot. I can't live, I can't breath, I can't function without you. Without you by my side. I only want to be the woman, to give you everything I can. Every day and every night, love you for all my life. As long as you are my girl, I don't wanna change this world, I don't wanna change my life. It will be more then enough if I'm the woman that you love, that has your heart. There won't be a woman more blessed then I am. I want to have that picture with you too. I want to be the mother of your children. I want to take care of you now and when you are pregnant somewhere in the future. If that is what you want of course. I want children who are as smart and brilliant as you are. I want children that are as beautiful as you are. Children with eyes that have the same color as yours. I want mini versions of you. Perfect, strong and stunningly beautiful. That's what I want. That is what my dream is. To have a future with you, to have children looking like you with you. To have a home, a real home, that will be lived in. With children, a dog or dogs in our dream house. Our own family. I want to have a family of my own with you. A family I never have had. I want to fall asleep every night with you in my arms. I want to spoon with you. With you being the little spoon to my big spoon. And on nights when I'm feeling vulnerable and hurt for you to be the big spoon to my little spoon. I want to make love to you and show you this way what words can't say. I want to do all the boring couple things like reading the newspaper with you, do a cross word puzzle together, working in our joined offices at night if we have to. Cook dinner for you when I'm home earlier then you are. Take you out on date, come home with a bouquet of flowers just because I want to, no reason needed. I want to have one of our legendary fight with you, only to make it up by making love you. I want everything, I want to have it all. Because you, Alexandra Benson-Cabot are the most precious woman, the most precious and stunningly beautiful thing there is in this world, on this planet. And what I would really like is holding you in my arms like you are holding me right now." Olivia says, with all the love she feels for Alex clearly in her eyes.
Alex let go of Olivia to change their positions. Olivia lays down completely on her back and Alex snuggles up against the brunette. So close that she almost climbs inside her. She lays down her head on her wifes chest. Above the Detective's heart. Putting one arm around her. Olivia puts her arm possessively around Alex waist and they tangle their legs together. When they are both laying the way they want, both women let out a blissful sigh. Only needing to be like this, laying down with the woman they love in their arms.
"You know Lex, they can burn down my house, they can steel everything that I own, they can take my job from me, they can do it all at the same time and I won't care, as long as I have you, I'm happy. That's all I need to be happy and feel good. You. And you alone." Olivia whispers in Alex's ear.
"Oh Liv, all I need to be happy too is you. And this is what I mean when I said that every time I think it's impossible to love you more, to fall in love with you more, you do something what makes me fall deeper and love you more. This is exactly what I meant. I love you Olivia Carmen Benson. I love you from now on till for ever." Alex whispers.
" I love you too, Alexandra Elisabeth Maria Benson-Cabot. More then you will ever know." Olivia whispers back.
After this it is silent. They are being happy and content, just laying down with their eyes closed.
Meanwhile further in front of the plain are Abby and Maricel sitting.
"Do you think they are alright?" Maricel asks.
"Well at least they are not killing each other. We certainly would know it when that would happen. They would have had one of their legendary fights first before it would go being quiet. If they are alright? I don't know, I think they are. Alex is still inside, Olivia hasn't kicked her out. So yes, I think they are alright." Abby answers.
"You are right about that. We certainly would know it if they would have one of their legendary fights. Judging by the way they have fought before, and I heard, I think that they can hear it the cockpit if they would have one of their legendary fights." Maricel smirks.
"Oh believe me, in the cockpit they would think world war three has broken out. They certainly will think that Alex and Liv would kill each other. There is no doubt about that. But I think I'm gonna take a look in there. Just to be sure." Abby says.
"Ok. Go look if they didn't have killed the other silently." Maricel says with a smile.
Abby stands up and walks to the small bedroom. She quietly opens the door and looks inside. When she sees Alex snuggled up against Olivia, the brunette's arm possessively around the blonde ADA's waist and their legs tangled together, the tall brunette gets watery eyes. They look so peaceful and happy. Abby turns around and motions Maricel to come there. Maricel stands up and walks to Abby.
"What's wrong? Why are your eyes watery?" Maricel whispers.
"Nothing is wrong. Look at them and you will understand why I'm a bit emotional. Just look at them." Abby whispers.
Maricel looks inside and the moment she sees Alex and Olivia, she knows why Abby's eyes are having tears in them, threatening to fall. Her own eyes are getting watery too. Olivia feels that Abby and Maricel are looking at them, but she keeps her eyes closed. Not giving a damn about it. She is just being happy with the blonde in arms.