36. Tris : Waiting

It's about 6PM when they finally get out of the surgery room. The doctors comes to me straight, I guess he understands I've been sitting here for hours. We've done our best to repair the damage on the stomach and kidney, but he lost so much blood that we don't know how his body can cope with it. We will try to give him better chances by keeping him into coma, for 24 hours from now on. He will be under constant monitoring, so you'd better have some sleep. We'll tell you immediately if anything happens, but this is very unlikely because he's stable now. I hesitate but Caleb put his hand and my shoulder and says "He's right Tris, you'll need to be as fit as possible when he wakes up. And your kids will need you too." He looks at the doctor and asks "By the way, she's pregnant and the last 24 hours were very stressful. Is there a wing were we could make an echography? I think we should check the baby's health."

I turn to him in bewilderment. It's like Caleb turned into someone else, who understands and cares for others. I wonder how and when this happened… I've keeping away from him for too long, I promise myself this won't happen again. The doctor answers "Your friend is right, you should have a scan. If you go to B wing right now, you'll be able to have a scan within the hour. I'll make a note for the doctor Shaw to take you first. And after that, please go and have some sleep. We'll take good care of your husband."

I turn to Caleb "I'll go on my own if you don't mind. I'd like you to stay with Adam while I'm there and after that, we'll go home together." I go back to the room where Adam is still asleep. I come closer to him and give him a kiss on the forehead, and stroke his hair. I turn to Caleb and say "Thank you Caleb, for coming…and…and everything else. I'm glad we're back together."

"I'm happy too." He answers. "Let's hope we make it better from now on." I smile at him "I'm sure we will."

xxx

When I arrive in the B wing of the hospital, I give the note the nurse, sitting at the reception desk. A few minutes later, the doctor arrives. I'm surprised. I didn't expect a woman. She tells me her name is Irene Shaw and she's going to do the scan. She takes me to the ultrasound room. I'm shaking while I take my tee-shirt off. I suddenly realize I shouldn't be here alone…and feel desperate about it, that shouldn't be like this again. I don't have time to think more, because I hear the ultrasound scan beeps ready.

I lie on the exam table and Doctor Shaw rubs the gel on my belly. I notice that it's getting bigger every day. I could not have hidden it much longer, even with abnegation clothing. She turns the scan on and the screen shows the window I've already seen once before, when I was pregnant with the twins. But at that time, I was ill and terrified and they would barely let me see, what was on the screen-I guess I know why now. This time is very different. I feel a pang in my heart when I see the small fetus on the screen. I hear his little heart beating so fast; I definitely remember listening to Natalie's the same way, with an ultrasound that had no screen. I see his little body move... I'm fascinated by the life I'm watching, and at the same time, I can't help thinking. Why do all the good things in our lives have to be shadowed by something sad or wrong? I should be here, hand in hand with Tobias, marveling at our baby, they said I could not have, and I'm not…again. I burst into tears, I can't help it.

Doctor Shaw stops the scan and put her hands on my shoulders. "Hey, Tris, what's wrong? Don't worry about having a baby. There's nothing to fear about having been stressed in the past days, and your baby seems perfect." I shake my head and pull myself up a little. Then I tell her everything, that this baby is my third, and that I've still never managed, to share any part of my pregnancy with their father, first, because we were apart and now because he's in the coma a few yards away in this hospital. I tell her someone took one of my twins away from me during 4 and 1/2 years. I tell her I'm torn between happiness and grief, for the moment in our lives, that's just slipping away beyond our reach.

She takes my hands in hers and says "Know what? I'll give you my private number. When your husband will wake up, call me and I'll arrange this again for you. I promise you'll have your moment with your baby to come. OK? Shall we go on? Would you like to know if it's boy or girl?"

I shake my head and say "Thank you. I think I'll wait to be with the dad to know." She smiles and shows me a little more, before the scan is over. I can't help it I hug her before I leave.

Finally I go back to the surgery wing with a picture of the baby, and a smile on my lips. I find back Caleb and Adam both asleep. I know Caleb didn't sleep much lately. I wake him lightly and say "I'll go and see Tobias for a minute, then we will go home together. I'll call Christina to tell her we come to pick up Natalie on the way. I decided it's time for this family to start rebuilding.

I sit on the edge of Tobias's bed. He looks calm but his skin is still of a worrying white shade, and his hands seem cold to me. I pull the blanket higher on his chest and take one of his hands in mine to let it rest on my belly. I approach my mouth from his ear. I know he must be hearing; I could hear when I was in the coma. I believe that maybe, the news of having a kid, might take him out of here like it did for me years ago. I whisper in his ear "I know it's hard, but you have to wake up. You have a family waiting for you, and there's a little baby growing in here for a few months. He or she, will want a father very soon, so you'd better hurry up. I love you, I want you back." I give him a kiss on the lips and leave, but I'm terrified as ever, that I never see him alive again.