Trigger Warnings: Discussion of Panic Attacks
"Where is he!" She sounds hysterical…terrifying. Her voice reaches me from some from some far off distant place. Birk gave me a dose of some kind of calming drug. Not morphling, he said, but apparently something milder that they give to patients who have a phobia of needles so they aren't afraid to receive injections. Apparently it also works for minor panic attacks. I haven't felt this calm in years, and I'm enjoying the feeling while lying on the padded exam room table.
"I'm not waiting for anyone! You're going to tell me where he is now!" I hear the muffled response of whomever she's talking to. "Because I've gone through a lot more significant obstacles to get to him." It's a loud hiss. She's really upset. A gruff voice says something, a little louder than first muffled voice, but I still can't make anything out. "I don't want to hear it Haymitch! I just want to see my husband!"
"Katniss!" I recognize Birk's voice. "Look at you! You're glowing."
"Where's Peeta!"
"And I see you're feeling more like yourself." Katniss doesn't respond, but I hear Dr. Birk say, "That's a terrifying face."
"I just want to see my husband."
"Of course. He's in the first exam room, resting. Wait! Katniss I was hoping to have a word with you before -" I don't hear the rest of his sentence, over the sound of the door opening. I hazily look at my wife. Her hair is braided in the usual manner, and a read knit maternity sweater covers her thirty-one week pregnant belly.
"Katniss!" I say happily. She frowns at me, and then rounds on Birk, who is standing behind her in the doorway.
"You gave him something."
"Just the calming drug we give to nervous patients. It'll wear off in about twenty minutes."
"What happened exactly," Katniss demands, entering the room and allowing the two men behind her to come in as well. I smell Haymitch before I see him.
"He wondered in looking upset, hands twitching. I thought he was on the verge of an attack, so I brought him back her to give him an IV and a glass of water. I was talking to him, trying to keep him grounded, and he said something, before his breathing became erratic. He described feeling like he was dying, and I conquered he was having a panic attack."
"What did he say?"
"You should really ask him that yourself when he's better."
"I'm fine," I cut in, waving a hand around jovially. "Perfectly relaxed. I'm not even sure what you're talking about Birk."
"Yes," Katniss says sarcastically. "I imagine that has nothing to do with the medication." She turns back to Birk. "I want to take him home."
"Well…maybe we should wait for the medication to wear off."
"No," she says firmly. "He hates doctors, too much poking and prodding in the Capitol and District 13. If you want to keep him calm, the medication should wear off when he isn't here."
"He hasn't been formally admitted or checked in, so he's free to leave at anytime." Katniss turns to me.
"Peeta, I think you should come home with me. What do you think?" I feel pleasantly out of it, and am not in a mood to argue.
"I think you're the one with the amazing survival instincts." She lets out a sigh.
"I'm going to say that is your way of telling me you trust me completely." I nod. She just understands me so perfectly. She helps me sit up, and guides me towards the door.
"Katniss," Birk calls after her, following us. "We really need to discuss a treatment plan."
"I have one of those already thanks."
"No for Peeta." We've made our way to the lobby now, and Katniss stops, in her persistent march towards the door.
"What do you mean a treatment plan for Peeta? He's had the same treatment plan for years. It's been working wonders."
"If he's having panic attacks that changes things. It's unclear how that will factor into his brain chemistry after the hijacking is taken into account."
"He's not having panic attacks though," says Katniss quietly. She glances at me, making eye contact for the briefest of moments. "He had a panic attack."
"Could be an indication of a trend. You have a point though. It might be best to see what happens for now, but if he has a second I might need to call in experts to make sure he's getting the care he needs."
"You mean more tests in the Capitol. Every time you call the experts to, as you say, make sure he's getting the care he needs, they haul him back to the Capitol, for weeks!"
"I'm aware Katniss, and I don't want that to happen just as much as you, especially given your present condition. However if Peeta is getting worse, he might be more of a hindrance to you as you attempt to take care of a new born. I'm only thinking of what's best for the three of you." Katniss takes a deep shaking breath.
"Dr. Birk, it's no secret that this…pregnancy…has been difficult for me. If Peeta gets shipped back to the Capitol, it will be very bad for all three of us." Birk takes a minute or two before he responds, carefully looking at Katniss as he does.
"Well, no one has been called yet. They might not need to be if this is a one-time occurrence. Have him speak with Dr. Aurelius, and try to keep him as calm and relaxed as possible. Don't pick any fights, make sure he gets rest, and very light exercise. When is your next appointment with Dr. Clora?"
"Tomorrow."
"Wonderful. Have Peeta stop by my office afterwards. I'd like to talk to him when he's not…" Birk trails off, and both of them turn to stare at me. I smile. I personally don't see what either of them are so worked up about. A panic attacks sounds like such a strange concept, when my muscles are so relaxed, and my breathing is so slow.
"Thank you Dr. Birk." Katniss says curtly and she, Haymitch, and I walk out of the hospital. Katniss leads me by the crock of my elbow.
"How do you feel?" she asks.
"Peaceful."
"I want whatever they gave him," Haymitch mutters darkly. "Might be useful if I ever want to sleep again." Katniss doesn't respond. We silently walk, and around the time we're passing into Victor's Village the drugs begin to wear off and a feeling of dread overcomes me. I stop just as we're about to go the gate, staring blankly into the manicured main area of the village. Katniss stops with me, studying my face carefully. Haymitch goes a few more paces, notices our absence, and halts as well, turning to face us. I feel Katniss' hand on my shoulder, rubbing softly.
"What are you thinking?"
"I have to go the Capitol, and leave you. Real or not real?"
"Not real," Katniss whispers. "Focus on the here and now. Feel the air on your skin, and my hand on your shoulder. This is all going to pass. We're going to get into the house and call Dr. Aurelius. I'll make you a cup of tea. It's going to be fine." She tugs lightly on my arm and I begin to move again. We make our way to the house, Haymitch now following a few steps behind us. I glance at the bear as we enter. It seems menacing all of the sudden, looming over me. Katniss follows my gaze briefly before quickly unlocking the door. She and Haymitch practically have to drag me into the house. Once I'm sitting on a couch in the study, my wife excuses herself to quickly make tea. Haymitch lightly claps me on the shoulder.
"Makes you appreciate not having her brain doesn't it?"
"What?"
"The panic attacks…I mean sweetheart gets them all the time, so it had to at least be…like a snap shot maybe into her head throughout all of this." I stare at him hard, unable to read his facial expression. "How did it feel…to go through that…I mean?"
"You've never had one?"
"No. After my games I picked the path of slowly becoming as immobile as possible. Spiraling into a deep depression and drinking seemed to expend less energy," he responds, eye wide, staring off into space.
"I always underestimate how lazy you are," I quip back. Neither one of use speaks for a few moments. "It wasn't pleasant…it felt like I was being crushed by the weight of…my life…everything, Katniss, the baby, the media, having attacks. It was all suddenly resting on my chest. I felt like I was going to die."
"Imagine being pregnant and having that…feeling like you and your child are going to die…I couldn't…" he trails off, and I shudder violently at his words. Neither of us speaks again till the door open and Katniss comes in with three cups of tea. It seems to wake Haymitch from a trance.
"I should go," he says standing up. He'd been siting on the arm of the couch. I hadn't even noticed. Katniss looks at him surprised.
"You can stay for tea if you want Haymitch, you have to be hungry."
"No," he insists. "You should call Aurelius as soon as you can. Just call later on tonight if you need anything." He moves past me and touches Katniss' shoulder gently as he leaves. She watches him go silently, face blank. She doesn't turn back to me for a few moments after the door closes.
"He's so odd sometimes," she says, holding a cup of tea out to me.
"He's worried."
"I know," she snaps. "Take your tea." I clench my hands together trying to quiet the shaking. I thought I could do it subtly without her noticing, but she lets out a sigh, and sets the mug back down. "We need to call Aurelius." I take a deep breath.
"I don't want to leave you."
"Look at me," I focus my eyes on her, and am surprised to find them unwavering. She seems to be getting larger and becoming more solid with every passing moment.
"That will never happen," the mother of my child says firmly. "I will never let that happen, not again. Wherever either of us needs to be is where we will be, and we will be together as a family. If they want to drag you back to the Capitol, then I will be there with you."
"What if that means she can't be born here? It's so important to you she come into the world in District 12," I moan. "We just got home, and I've ruined it." She grabs my hand and squeezes.
"Where she is born is not as important to me as the fact that when she is born you are there and you are healthy." With her free hand she cups my cheek, running her thumb just below my eyes. "Listen to me though. Birk said you might not need to go to the Capitol at all. Worrying about it now won't do you any good, because we don't know what we're dealing with."
"What if it's the worst case scenario? I'm getting worse and we have to go back?" I ask, beginning to feel the panic build up in me again.
"Listen to me Peeta. You are feeling anxious and overwhelmed right now. This happens to be my area of expertise. Don't assume the worst will happen. That is guaranteed to bring on another panic attack. It's going to be okay, because we're going to find out exactly what we're dealing with. Once you know what it is, everything becomes a lot less scary. It's the unknown that makes you anxious." I take a deep breath. Katniss takes it with me. I stare into her eyes for a moment, focusing on the feeling of her fingers squeezing mine. For an instant it seems like once she lets go, I'll float away.
"How do we find out what this is?" She lets out a frustrated sigh.
"We have to call Dr. Aurelius…I can't believe I'm going to have to talk to that man twice in one day now!" A small smile plays across my lips. No matter what happens next, at least I will always be able to count on Katniss hating doctors.
AN: So I'm officially woking on writing the last chapter. There will be an epilogue as well, but I'm really excited for everyone to read that and all the things that still have to happen in between. If I haven't said so already there will 52 chapters total, plus an epilogue, so there's still a lot left to read. This story has gotten more views and reviews than I anticipated, so thank you to all of you for reading and finding this worth your time and sticking with it!