Once again, I have failed in updating this story in several months. I'm not sure if anyone is still reading this story, but here is the next chapter.

Chapter Thirty Eight

With or Without You

When Meredith arrived home with the babies, she was surprised to see parents already picking up their children. It made her wonder if something had happened to cause the guests being picked up early. As she brought the twins in the house, Mark came to help her out. She looked at him curiously and waited for an explanation. There was silence before Mark finally gave her an answer. "There was a couple of problems with C.J. and Derek finally decided to end the party."

Meredith could only guess at what problems C.J. had during the party. She saw him playing happily in a corner with his dump truck. Calling his name, she waited to see if he would notice her. She wasn't surprised when he didn't acknowledge her and run to greet her. Sadly, she was used to it by now, but it also hurt her.

Meredith watched him for a few moments before she went to check on Derek, who was in the kitchen cleaning up from the party disaster. He looked over his shoulder as he heard his wife enter the room. However, he went back to washing the dishes. Meredith spoke up first. "Mark told me you had to end the party early. What happened?"

"I really don't want to talk about it. I'll just tell you that I don't think we'll throw any more birthday parties for C.J.," Derek replied, wanting to change the subject. "How was your afternoon with the twins?"

Meredith wanted to tread this subject lightly and she wasn't sure how her husband would take the news. "Well, it was nice until Addison tracked me down. She wants to discuss another custody arrangement."

The surprise was clear in Derek's voice. "What? Why?"

Meredith was quiet before she answered his question. "Because she believes you're not dealing with your personal problems." Derek turned around and he was ready to defend himself. However, Meredith wasn't done. "You and I both know you are still have some issues to work through. I know you don't want to be selfish, but you can't take care of your family if you don't take care of yourself first." Derek was silent, not wanting to admit she was right. "I would suggest to you to think about it, but I already know what your answer will be."

"You're right. So why do you keep bringing it up?" Derek asked. "And what custody arrangement could Addison possibly want to do?"

"She's planning to take Katie and C.J. away from you until you get your act together," Meredith told him. "And she warned me she was going to do the same thing for Morgan and the twins if I don't do it first. I don't want to do it. I don't want to take our kids away from you, but I don't feel like I have any choice." She looked at him hard. "Get some help or I'm taking the kids and moving out." She walked out of the kitchen, leaving Derek with his thoughts.

A couple of hours later, Amy returned home with the girls. They excitedly told their parents what they did with their aunt that afternoon. Derek and Meredith weren't surprised to hear they were filled up on ice cream. "You know, I can take care of the kids for a few more hours if you guys want to go out to dinner."

"Actually, I'm going out for awhile," Derek announced before he said good-bye to his kids. "Don't wait up for me."

Amy immediately noticed the tension between the two parents and how Derek didn't even say goodbye to his wife. She gave Meredith a worried look. "Is everything okay between you and Derek?" she asked. Meredith didn't answer. "What did my big brother do now?"

Meredith gestured her to follow her into the kitchen, where they could have a little more privacy. Amy knew something was wrong and anxiously waited until Meredith could explain the situation. When she was done telling the story, Amy shook her head in disbelief. "Wow, I had no idea things have gotten this bad with Derek."

"To tell you the truth, neither did I," Meredith admitted. "But I'm not going to stand for it any longer. If Derek wants to go down the path of self-destruction, I'm not going to let him take our family down with him. He's on his own. I'm done." She didn't wait to hear Amy's response as she left the kitchen and went upstairs to her bedroom.

Pulling out the suitcase from the closet, she put it on the bed and opened it. As she started packing her clothes, her thoughts went back to the day she had broken her relationship off with Finn because he wasn't willing to take responsibility for his unborn child. Now she was leaving again because Derek couldn't deal with his personal issues. Was she really not meant to have a long lasting relationship?

Of course, this separation from Derek was only supposed to be temporary. She kept reminding herself that it was only until he would step down and admit defeat. He could be calling Dr. Wyatt to make an appointment now. That thought did cross her mind. She wanted to believe he wanted to work on himself in order not to lose his family, but she wasn't sure if that was going to happen.

Meredith jumped as she heard a small voice. "Mommy, where are you going?" Morgan asked.

Her mother paused as she tried to think of a good answer. This wasn't the way she wanted to tell her daughter about their little trip. In fact, she didn't even know where they were going. This was spur of the moment and she needed a plan. Luckily, she was an expert in coming up with a destination on the spot. "We're going to go and visit Uncle Alex and Aunt Jo for awhile." She knew he would back her up and allow them to stay with them. "So why don't you start figuring out what you want to bring? I'll be in there in a few minutes to help you."

"What about Katie?" Morgan asked anxiously. "Is she coming too?"

Meredith nodded, not wanting to tell her about Addison's plan. It was easier just to agree with her than give her an explanation right now. Morgan gave her mother a smile before she hurried to tell her best friend about their trip. Meredith went back to packing her clothes as she heard another voice. "Please don't do this."

Meredith didn't even turn to Amy as she gave a response. As much as she didn't want to hurt Derek, she had to leave him. "Derek has left me no choice. I can't live like this anymore. I can't keep waiting around for him to step up and attend counseling. I have to think of the kids."

"I know," Amy said softly. "I just wish you two would have been able to work it out. I really thought you and Derek would last. And I'm not just saying that for the sake of the kids'. You two were really good together. I wish I could have what you guys had."

Meredith was quiet as she heard the faint sound of the doorbell. Both she and Amy went to see who it was. However, the girls had beat them to the front door and waited for the signal they could open it. "Ask who it is first," Meredith instructed them. She didn't like the girls just opening the door without knowing who it was.

"Who is it?" Katie called. Her face lit up as she heard her mother's voice. Meredith wasn't in the mood to deal with her right now. However, she maintained her composure as Katie and Morgan opened the door for Addison. "Hi Mommy."

Addison gave her daughter a smile. "Hi honey. Did you have a fun day with Morgan and Aunt Amy?" Katie nodded. "I'm glad to hear it. Now where is your brother? Is he playing with his new toys?" she asked hopefully.

"Actually, he didn't even get a chance to open them," Meredith told her. "He was having some problems with the other kids so the party ended early." Addison had a worried look on her face. "C.J. didn't even seem bothered by it."

Addison didn't seem comforted by Meredith's words and Amy was able to break the ice. "I'm sure he's willing to open them now," she said. "I'll go and see if he's up from his nap. I'm sure he wants to see his mommy. Girls, why don't you bring the gifts into the den?" Both of the girls and Amy took off in different directions, leaving Meredith and Addison alone.

Before Addison could even ask, Meredith answered for her. "I don't know where Derek is. He left when Amy brought the girls home and he didn't say when he was coming back." She didn't want to discuss anything else while the children were in front of them.

It was clear that Addison was disappointed. "That's too bad. I was hoping to talk to him. Can you have him call me? We need to talk. "

Before Meredith could respond, Amy appeared with C.J. He ran to his mother for an embrace. Meredith was surprised since he never wanted to hug her. It made her wonder if he was uncomfortable with her and that was perhaps why he gave her a hard time. Then again, she wasn't the only person who had been ignored by C.J. when they tried to play with him.

C.J. was willing to sit in his mother's lap and open his presents. Katie helped him while Morgan just watched from her aunt's lap. Meredith watched for a few moments before she heard Nicky's cries from the baby monitor. She went to attend to the twins, who had been moved to the nursery. Amy wanted to help her, but Meredith shook her head. She wanted to be alone with her babies.

Meredith went into the nursery and peeked over the bassinet. Picking her son up, she tried to comfort him as softly as she could without waking his sister. As she brought Nicky over to one of the rocking chairs, Abbey began to stir from her bassinet. Meredith silently prayed her daughter would fall back asleep. She wasn't ready for her yet.

As she tried to attend to both of her babies' needs, she realized this would how it be if she would leave Derek. She would have to take care of Morgan and two young babies. It would be more of a challenge than before since she was dealing with three children instead of one. And there were now two babies who needed her full attention, more than her almost six year old daughter. It was scary to think she would have handle things alone without her husband by her side.

The cries of her children brought her back to reality and Meredith turned her attention back to Nicky. After both babies were taken care of, Meredith remained in the rocking chair with Abbey. She didn't want to disturb her by moving her back into her bassinet. It was only when Amy came in to check on her was when she gently placed Abbey into her bassinet.

"Addison left and Derek's back. He wants to talk to you," Amy told her. "Don't worry about the kids. I'll keep them occupied upstairs so you two can have privacy downstairs." Meredith was grateful she was willing to keep the kids as far away as possible so they couldn't hear or interrupt their conversation.

Meredith followed Amy out in the hall. She checked on the girls before she went down the stairs and onto the first floor. Derek was waiting for her in the kitchen. There was an awkward silence before Meredith spoke. "I didn't expect you back so soon."

Derek took a deep breath before he answered. "I saw the suitcase on the bed." Meredith didn't respond. "It's not necessary for you or the kids to leave. Meredith, I'm so sorry about the way I have behaved lately. I wanted to believe everything was fine. With us. With the kids. But I was wrong. I'm going to rehab so I can focus on getting myself better so I can take care of our family." Meredith looked into his eyes and realized he was serious. He really was willing to finally take responsibility and take care of himself. "You're everything. I love you. And I'm not going to stop loving you. Meredith, I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you. And I'm going to do everything in my power to prove it."

There was a long pause of silence as he waited for his wife to say something – anything. The silence was killing him. Meredith thought about everything they had gone through and she knew her answer. "I can learn to live without you." Derek was heartbroken. There was a short pause before she spoke again. "But I don't want to. I don't ever want to."