"Have you ever loved somebody so much, It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad, You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words, But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever?"
I own nothing. All characters/storylines belong to Shonda. I'm simply 'borrowing' them.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
ELIZA'S POV
Arizona has avoided me all day. I paged her, she sent someone else. I called her, she wouldn't accept them. I've texted her over and over, but nothing. I mean, I get it, and I know she said she needed space, but I'm struggling right now. I'm struggling with what I said, and how this is all happening. I would never expect her to just be okay with any of this. I'd be exactly the same should the tables ever be turned. I just need something, anything, from her. Not only have I never had such a serious relationship as this, I've never dealt with jealousy or uncertainty. I never thought I was the jealous type. Seems everyone is when the time comes, huh?
It's 8 pm, and I'm sitting in my car outside Arizona's place. I'd like to think of it as our home, but right now, I don't want to tempt fate. I don't want to give myself any sort of false hope. It would only break my heart into a million pieces when she ends all of this. I know she will. She is avoiding me to put off the inevitable, but I get that. The sooner she comes home and puts me out of my misery, the sooner I can get out of Seattle and chastise myself for the rest of my life.
Are you going home tonight? E x
I know I sound desperate, but that is because I am. I will beg if I have to. I don't care.
Please, Arizona. Just give me something. E x
Slamming my hand against the steering wheel, I feel the tears forming once again. I cannot cry anymore. I have nothing left inside of me. Her car rounding the corner, I slide out of mine and wait until she is parked up.
Stepping out of her own car, she gives me a look and stretches over to grab her things. Slamming her door shut, she moves down the driveway. "What part of I need space didn't you understand, Eliza?"
"Arizona, I need you. Please." Tears falling, she rolls her eyes at me and makes her way to the porch. "Arizona?"
Her key slipping in the lock, she turns it and steps inside. Flicking on a light, she throws down her things and pulls her hair up into a messy bun. All I can do is stand and watch from the bottom of the drive. "Are you coming in?" She turns and asks.
Oh my god. "Y-Yes." Rushing up the porch, I almost stumble inside and close the door behind me. "Thank you."
"Before you say anything, I need to know what this is. What are we? What are we doing?" Placing her cell down, she sets it to silent and turns back to me. "Because I thought we were good together. So good. Then you do this, and I honestly don't know what I feel anymore."
"I want this, Arizona. I want you." I choke out.
"But you don't say those things to someone you want, Eliza. You told me you love me, but you don't do that to someone you love. You don't allow a jealous fit to take over you like that. Is that what it was? Jealousy?" She asks.
Giving her a nod, I've never felt so ashamed in all of my life. She's right. It was nothing more than jealousy.
"I feel as though you don't trust me. I feel as though I will be just waiting for you to freak out again, and honestly? I'm not prepared to wait around for something like that."
"I won't. I swear."
"I mean, you say all of these things to me. Things I want to hear. Things you know I need to hear. But do you really mean them? Do you really truly believe that you can trust me 100% in all circumstances?"
"Arizona, I swear that will never happen again. I feel awful. I feel…embarrassed for how I treated you last night. If I could take it back, you know I would."
"Something like that can't be taken back, Eliza." She sighs. Taking a seat on the edge of her couch, she runs her hand over her face. "I don't know where we go from here."
"We carry on," I state. "We carry on while I spend the rest of my life trying to make this right." Moving closer to her, I'm relieved to find that she doesn't back away from me. Kneeling down in front of her, I take her face in my hands and give her a sad smile. "We carry on because I cannot and will not live my life without you by my side. I can't Arizona."
Nothing.
"The pain I felt today knowing that we could be over? It hurt so much." Pressing my forehead against her's, fresh tears fall. They haven't stopped all day. "I'm sorry for what I said, and I promise you that I trust you."
Her own tears falling, she closes her eyes but doesn't pull away from me. "I'm so fucking hurt right now, Eliza." She sobs. "I never ever thought you would accuse me of something like that. Never."
"Baby, I'm sorry. I know no apology can make up for what I said, but you have to believe that I'm truly sorry." Running my thumbs across her damp cheeks, she leans into my touch and releases a heartbreaking sigh. "Arizona, I will do anything and everything to make this up to you. Just please give me another chance. Please don't end this."
"I just, I can't take that hurt anymore."
"I'm on my knees, and I'm literally begging you, Arizona." I cry. "No one in this world could ever make me feel how you make me feel, and I would never want anyone to even try. I was jealous, and I was angry, and I took it out on you. Please, look at me?"
Her dull blue eyes finding mine, they look…lifeless. Oh god, I've truly broken this woman's heart. "Y-You accused me of cheating on you."
I can't even bear to hear those words spoken back to me. I've never felt so embarrassed in all of my life, and right now, I cannot hear them. Pressing my lips to hers, I hope and I pray that she doesn't pull back. "I love you, Arizona. So fucking much that sometimes it hurts."
"I love you, too." She whispers as she pulls back. "I love you, but we are not okay right now."
"I know." I nod. Stealing another kiss while I have the opportunity, I feel a little pain subside that has been lingering all day. A little, but not enough. "Can we please work through this?"
"Yeah." She sighs.
"Thank you." Another kiss placed on her lips, I pull her into an embrace, and she melts into me. It wasn't the reaction I was expecting. Not by a long shot, but I'm happy to be here, and I'm happy that she will at least give this a go. "What do you need right now?" I ask.
"I just need to sleep." She mumbles.
"Okay." Pulling back, I gaze into those blue eyes I thought I'd never have the opportunity to see again. "I'll stay at the hospital. Give you some space."
"No." She shakes her head. "Please don't."
"I don't want to push anything, though. I know you wanted space, and I'll give it to you." I stand and run my palms down my thighs. "You just give me a call when you want to see me, yeah?"
"Are you tired?" She asks.
"Exhausted."
"Then please, can we just go to bed?" She stands and tries her best to straighten her shoulders. The devastation I've caused this woman will forever remain in my mind and those words she spoke last night about how I'd ruined us will stay with me forever. This mess is mine and mine alone. If I want this to work, us to work, I have to fight like hell to change how I see things. I really do.
"We?" I smile.
"Yes, we." She nods.
Waking up to find sunlight streaming through the window, I feel a sense of unease between me and Arizona. I mean, sure…I'm in bed lying next to her, but I've never felt so detached from someone as I do right now. I know I only have myself to blame for this, I just hope one day she can forgive me and allow me to love her with everything I have. It's all I want. I just want us to be happy.
Watching her sleep, I can't help but feel the sudden urge to touch her skin. I need something to tell me that we are still in this. I need something to keep me grounded right now. She has slept the entire night with her back to me, and it hurts. Real bad. Even if it's just a leg or an arm touching in the night, we are never separate in bed. Not like this. Her upper half covered with a tank top, I gently ghost my fingers up her bare arm and hold my breath. It's soft, and smooth, just like always. Knowing that I would never feel that again made my entire life crash around me. I know we've only been together for like, what? Six months. But in those six months… oh, my god. I've never felt such joy and happiness being around another person. Never.
My fingertips resting on her shoulder, I scoot a little closer to her, but not enough to wake her or cause her to back away from me. I just need to be close to her. I need to feel her body heat radiating around me. I need her scent. I just need…her. I need her like nothing else in my life.
Stirring a little, I brace myself for the shit storm I know is about to hit. I don't expect her to be okay when she wakes up. Far from it. I do, however, hope that we can at least talk. I just want to be able to talk. Movement coming from Arizona again, I remove my hand from her shoulder and lie flat on my back. I don't want to push this. This is all her way now. I don't want to do anything that will jeopardize the making up I'm trying to do. I have so much I have to do to make this right. Problem is, I don't know where to start.
She turns her body over to face me and I freeze. I don't know what is about to happen, but I get the feeling that it isn't going to be good. I can feel her eyes on me, probably looking at me with disgust, but I cannot bring myself to meet her gaze. I cannot bring myself to look into those blue eyes that looked so dull and lifeless last night.
Glancing to my left, I find her eyes still on me. I simply stare. I don't even smile. I mean, what is there to smile about? Really? "D-Did um...did you sleep okay?" What kinda question is that? "I mean-" Cutting myself off, I sigh. "I don't even know what I meant."
"I did." She replies, her voice laced with sleep. "Did you?"
"No." I shake my head slightly. "N-Not really." I find myself stuttering and mumbling my way through my answers and I've never felt so nervous about being around Arizona as I do now.
"Oh." She clears her throat. "Um, can I get you some coffee?" She shifts and moves away from me.
"No." I take a hold of her hand. "Just stay for a few more minutes, please?"
"Okay." She agrees.
"You don't even have to look at me or speak to me. I just need to stay here for a few more minutes."
"Um…okay." She furrows her brow. "Why?"
"Because…" My voice breaks. "If you walk out of this room, I fear that we are finished. I fear that we are done. I just need us to be together for five more minutes before you haul my ass out of your bed, your home, and your life."
"Our bed, our home, our life." She states as she rests back against the headboard.
"Um?" I shake my head and sit up a little. "I don't understand."
"Eliza, you really hurt me with the things you said-"
"I know." I cut in.
"But, you realize that. Right?" She glances to her right to meet my gaze.
"I do, Arizona."
"I'm not going to punish you over this forever because quite frankly, I can't be bothered. I just want a normal life, a normal relationship. I just want to be happy. I don't need to be super happy. I don't need all kinds of things to give me that happiness. I just need you."
"You do?" I try to contain a smile for fear of her changing her mind.
"Of course, I do." She gives me a slight smile of her own. It doesn't quite reach her ears, but it's good enough for me right now. "I won't apologize for being in that on-call room, though, with Tia. I'm sorry, but I won't."
"I wouldn't expect you to." I shake my head. "I just, I know it's no excuse, but growing up, I went through my father cheating on my mother numerous times." This isn't even the time or place to discuss this. "Every other month she would confront him. I heard it all. He always promised it would never happen again, and she always took him back. Until one day he actually left."
"I'm sorry." Arizona gives me a sad smile.
"No, you are the last person who should be apologizing. I just, I didn't expect that to be my reaction when I saw the both of you in that room. I knew in my heart that nothing was happening, but my mind was telling me other things. I knew as soon as it came out of my mouth in the kitchen that I was wrong. I knew it before it had even entered my head. I just, it's no excuse. I just saw red."
"It hurt," Arizona admits. "I just never expected that from you. I was in that room because she had been my nurse that day. We almost lost a child an hour or so before, and that is why I said I could be a few more hours. Once we had stabilized him and he was out of surgery, I found her crying. I only went to check that she was okay. Everything had just gotten on top of her. I was offering her time off, and the only other thing I could do at the time…which was a hug."
"Arizona, I'm so sorry." I hold my head in my hands and sob. "I don't even know how I am in this bed with you right now."
"Because it's where you belong." She states. Removing my hands from my face, she dips her head to meet my gaze. "I'm not going to lie, I'm still pissed with you, but we can fix this. I don't want grand gestures and you going crazy trying to make this up to me. I just ask one thing?"
"Anything. Name it, I'll do it."
"I just don't want it to happen again. I cannot be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me. I've been there, and it's horrible. I need you to believe that I'm not that person. I'm not your father. I'm not the person I was since the crash. Hell, you make me forget that I even lost a leg a few years ago. You've brought me back to my old self, and I don't want to go back to the before. I don't want to go back to how I felt before you kissed me in the parking lot."
"I don't want to ever make you feel the way you felt last night ever again." I cry. "I just…please give me another chance. I swear I'll never let you down like that again. I'll never give you a reason to cry, at least, I'll try my best not to." Sighing, she gives me a sad smile. "Arizona, I have never been so crazy in love with anyone in my entire life. I couldn't imagine my life ever again without you in it. I just need to adjust to all of this. That doesn't mean I should drag you into my problems."
"You should have spoken to me about it, Eliza." She states.
"I know." I nod. "You know I love you, right?"
"I do." She smiles. "Things will work out." She moves away from me and I feel the loss of contact immediately. Usually, I'd drag her back to bed, but I don't feel it's appropriate right now. "Now, that coffee?"
"Arizona?"
Turning, her curls bounce around her face and it makes my heart melt. "Yeah?" She asks.
"I don't ever want to spend a night away from you and those beautiful blue eyes again." My voice breaking, I'm tired of crying now. "Those eyes tell me that I'm home. They tell me that I'm safe, and loved, and cared for. They tell me everything I'll ever need to know without you opening that gorgeous mouth of yours. You are mine, and I am yours. I promise to never break your heart again. So long as I live, I will always be here, cheering you on in everything you do. I love you, and thank you for giving me another chance."
"I love you, too." Her voice husky and filled with emotion, she leans against the door frame and gives me a genuine dimpled smile. I know we aren't one hundred percent okay, but we are a long way from where we were last night.
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