You've Got Something

Goku's not sure where to go from here, but with a little guidance, maybe he can still look up.

TRUST ARC - PART 8

Warning for platonic 898, in case anyone is opposed to that.

37: Wishing Stars

Night fell, bleak and still. The clouds had cleared, leaving the day rainless, and hours had eaten the day like the sun had been consumed by the same worms that now ate away at what was left of Hakkai's heart where it choked in his chest. If his eyes weren't so bleary and blurry, if his glasses hadn't slid to the end of his nose and his own careless languish hadn't forbidden him from fixing them, Hakkai might have seen the distant pinpricks of tiny stars through his front window, but no, he'd remained in place, unmoving, unseeing, for what had to have been hours, and all was dark. Ryuu still coiled around his feet, occasionally whining, but Hakkai shivered at the thought of touching him. He scrubbed his hands around and against one another over and over, over the cuts on his wrist that hadn't healed and his shaking fingers, as if he could cleanse the stains that marred him, but he felt like everything he touched would be tainted forever. He might as well have sunk down under the horizon like the sun and prayed he might never emerge.

He wasn't sure when he'd last heard anything other than Ryuu purring against his side, but at some unspoken hour, someone came to his front door and knocked. "Go away," he whispered, knowing he wouldn't be listened to, knowing he wouldn't be heard. He couldn't bear to face whoever or whatever had come for him now. Still, the knocking persisted, and Hakkai, desperate for silence, finally forced himself to rise and answer.

He'd half expected Nii, back for another hit. There had been a faint twinkle of hope that Gojyo would come back (though what Hakkai would do if he had, he didn't know). Instead, Goku was trembling on his doorstep, a wobbly smile held fast in place, and the melting look of someone who was one wrong word away from crying. "Hey, Hakkai. Um, sorry I didn't call, or anything, I just…" He gulped, as if trying to choke down something thick and rebellious, and his voice was gravelly when he continued, "I, um, missed the bus home, and then I kinda realized I didn't wanna go home, 'cause Sanzo broke up with me and–" Goku hiccuped, covered his mouth, and went on, "And, if Nataku – if my roommate sees me lookin' upset and hears about it, then I dunno what he'll do but I can't go home and I dunno where else to go."

Hakkai blinked a few times, as everything Goku said hit him. Sanzo had broken up with him? Whatever for? Despite knowing he was not worthy to be in this person's presence, Hakkai had to do something. "Would you like me to drive you to to Gojyo's house?"

Goku shook his head. "Gojyo'll definitely just go beat him up if I tell him right now. I don't want that. I promise I won't bug you, I just don't wanna be alone." He fidgeted, averting his gaze. "You… you probably think I'm a jerk for coming over and inviting myself in, but please, I just need…" Goku cringed, but Hakkai shook his head. Who was he to say a word about Goku's manners?

"No. No, it's just…" Hakkai turned his gaze from Goku, barely able to look at him. "I… you have to know… what I did…"

Goku quickly shook his head. "Sanzo told me, but I don't care. You must'a had a good reason, right?" Hakkai felt sick all over again, even as Goku added, softly, "You're the only other really good friend I have."

That sealed it. Hakkai acquiesced and stepped aside. Goku didn't bother asking questions, but he scampered past Hakkai as if worried Hakkai might change his mind. He hung his jacket and put his shoes on the mat, and Hakkai helplessly watched as he lowered himself into the empty arm chair. For a scant moment, he wondered how Sanzo had known about what he'd done, until he realized it was surely a stupid question. Nii had told him. He could never resist an opportunity to needle at Sanzo, no matter how petty or painful. Goku wasn't saying anything else about it, which was a mercy. Goku needed some sort of relief from his own pain, Hakkai wouldn't want him to wrestle with his.

Ryuu had already jumped onto Goku's lap and had gotten to the business of winding in little figure-eights on his legs and knees, purring and murring, when Goku made a tentative motion to pet him, rubbing against his palms and arms. He had been starved for attention, Hakkai faintly realized, but the follow up hit harder. "Ah, dear, I haven't fed him. I'm so sorry, Ryuu." His throat tightened into a knot of guilt, and he hurried over to the food bag to fill the bowl. "So sorry, so sorry," he repeated, the words tingly and senseless, and Ryuu jumped from Goku's lap at the rustle of paper and scampered to his bowl. Hakkai wasn't sure what time it was, but he knew he hadn't eaten himself, and Goku hadn't been home, had he? "Ah, have you eaten? Were you hungry?"

Goku hummed, pressing his hands between his legs and frowning at his knees as he thought. "Umm." He shook his head, then braved a grin. "I don't think so. It's like, I'm hungry, but I don't feel like eating. Weird, right?" He cranked out a weary laugh, and slumped a little more in the armchair. Hakkai pursed his lips and shook his head. He didn't have the energy to make a real meal, but he could do something. He returned to the kitchen to rummage through the refrigerator, but spoke up to ask:

"You said you missed the bus. How did you get here?"

"I walked." Hakkai winced; that was a long walk. He found the jar of peanut butter. Protein, fat, and sugar, something to recharge him. He heard a faint creaking as Goku tried to settle in the chair. "It's, um, it wasn't that bad."

"It's more than four miles between there and here. It must have been quite a trek." He put the sandwich on the plate and returned to Goku. "You need something to restore your strength."

Goku's cheeks pinked a little, and he graciously accepted the sandwich. "Thank you." He took a bite, but chewing seemed difficult. He tore the sandwich in half and nudged the plate and the other hand towards Hakkai. "You should, too."

"Ah." Hakkai looked at it, but his stomach turned. "Perhaps later." He settled back in his place on the sofa, neither of them bothering with the light, Goku forcing the sandwich down in silence, Hakkai without the will to talk or move again. His bones ached as if the marrow had been sucked out, and he was sure his arms still bled. Ryuu soon jumped back into Goku's lap, and all was quiet for a while.

After a few minutes, Goku began to fidget, and soon, he tipped his gaze towards Hakkai again. "Hey, um, can I ask you something?" Hakkai said nothing, made no eye contact, but nodded. Goku bit his lip, then blurted, "How do you stop loving someone?"

Hakkai slowly closed his eyes to try and block the ache those words roused in him. Imagine, Goku coming to him for such advice. "My, you're asking me?" He at least owed Goku an honest answer, so he heaved a sigh and sat forward. "I'm afraid you don't." Goku slumped, crestfallen, as Hakkai pieced his thoughts back together, gesturing wearily. "When one… when one cares about someone that deeply, when you share any part of your heart and soul with someone, it's theirs forever. You will not get it back, even if it is no longer cherished, and you will have to live with that loss." Subconsciously, Hakkai put his hand over his own heart. Goku cringed, as Hakkai, almost possessed by the pain, stared at the empty space in front of him as if someone were still there. "You'll be reminded, too, every time you happen to see them, hear their voice or someone who sounds like them, or catch even the faintest glimpse of those memories." Hakkai shook his head, speaking to himself as much as Goku: "It's the price you pay for having a heart at all. Perhaps, someday, the feeling will dull, but it will always remain."

Goku groaned and slumped over against his legs. "I just, I don't understand what I did wrong. Why doesn't he want me?" He sucked in a breath and twisted his fingers into Ryuu's mane. Hakkai had no idea what to say. "I thought we were doing alright. We had fun together! He seemed happy, and he's so hard to make happy! But he understood me, and I thought I got him!" He threw his hands up, sucking in a deep, hard breath, then exhaling it in a rush. "And… he accepted me." He scratched the back of his head. "He was on my side. I was on his. I wanna understand." He scrubbed his face with his palm. "Is it something wrong with me? Was it really so wrong just to tell him how I felt?"

Hakkai did know what to say to that. "No, of course not. Goku, don't blame yourself." Hakkai edged a little closer to him, fixing his gaze to Goku's shirt collar to imitate the eye contact he couldn't manage right now. "Sometimes, it's just not right."

"Yeah, well, it felt right to me." Goku pouted, casting his eyes to the floor as Ryuu jumped from his grip and skulked off. "It always did. I felt… whole." He crossed his arms and buried his face in them, but made a big enough gap to speak through. "If I could just… stop… stop feeling this way about him, maybe I could…" He trailed off, then dared to look up again. "Does it stop hurting?"

Honesty would be best. "A bit. It dulls eventually. You become numb to it." Hakkai smiled wryly, regret pulsing in his aching chest. "You're meant to find new love to replace that which was lost and move on." He swallowed, trying to be impartial, encouraging, to tell him what Koumyou had once told him: "When you love someone, and someone loves you back, they give you part of their heart and soul in return." Hakkai found his hands clasped over his chest again, feeling some small flutter there like a bird trying to wing its way loose, and he tried to smother it, no, no, I don't deserve you, but shook his head. "It's meant to be equal, an exchange. Given and accepted freely and openly."

Goku, however, scowled. "I don't wanna take anything from Sanzo. Not like that. I just…" His bit his lip; his expression softened. "I just wanted to stay with him, belong with him. I've never belonged to anyone, my whole life."

Hakkai knit his brow up. "Goku…"

"See." Goku wrapped his hands around his socked feet, unable to lift his eyes. "I spent my whole childhood in foster care, from when I was a baby. Mama said she was the one who found me left in a clothing donation box, though I dunno how much I believe her. It'd be too much of coincidence, y'know?" His sad little smile looked so wrong on his round-dumpling cheeks; he looked so young. Hakkai sometimes forgot that he was an adult already, but it was even harder when he was so vulnerable. "But the thing is, when you're in foster care, you're already an outcast, and me, I was an awkward kid. I was weird, y'know? Nobody likes the weird kid." He rubbed his forehead against his arms. "People got nervous around me, like they thought it might hurt to touch me, like my weird was catching. I tried to be nice, tried to make people happy, but, well, it just made me weirder." He choked out a weary laugh. "I ended up the class clown, a troublemaker. Just, nobody thought I was funny." Hakkai started to extend a hand towards Goku, but withdrew it, reminding himself no, you don't deserve to touch him, even if he needs it. "Mama liked me, but Mama likes everyone, I dunno if she counts. Nataku, too, he likes me, but we took care of each other, it's different. He's like a brother, or a protector, just as much as he is a friend. I wanted to meet someone who didn't know me from when I was a bratty kid and didn't judge me on what I used to be." He heaved a stuttering, sad sigh. "Someone who'd reach out and accept me for who I am now."

Hakkai still didn't know what to say, but he knew Goku was looking for something, support, reassurance, something. Hakkai just had nothing to give. Before Goku could say anything else, before the silence could settle, there was a light in front of the house, gleaming blue against the window, and both Hakkai and Goku looked as it flashed through the room, then faded. "Was that a car?" Goku knit his brow up, but Hakkai shook his head.

"We're too far from the road." He rose, knees aching, and went to the window. "Ah!" A thrill ran through him (and what a relief to feel anything other than pain), and he motioned to Goku. "Come here, come see."

Beyond the trees, above the road, the night-black sky was illuminated by ribbons of blue and green that trailed across the sky like the tails of comets, rainbows breaking through the dark. "Aurora borealis, Goku. The Northern Lights. Have you ever seen them before?"

Goku, slackjawed, shook his head rapidly. "No, no way!"

"Ah, you see, my home faces North, and because it's dark here, I can see them very clearly."

"Wow!" Goku's expression had lightened for the first time since he'd arrived, his wide, bright eyes lit with wonder. "Everywhere I've lived, it's not this dark ever. Always streetlights, or cars on the road, I can't believe I've never…" He trailed off, shaking his head. "I wanna get a closer look!"

With that, he seized Hakkai by the hand and bolted to the front door, dragging Hakkai behind him. Hakkai dug his heels in just long enough to shut the door so Ryuu wouldn't follow them out, but Goku ran to the middle of the lawn, past Hakkai's garden and trees and into the dew-damp grass of the clearing, and stared straight up at the gleaming lights above. Hakkai stumbled to a stop a few steps behind him, watching the twisting, swirling lights that colored the Heavens with supernatural beauty. He'd seen it a few times as a child, his Grandmother telling him it was angels in flight, and science telling him that it was the result of an ion storm in the magnetic field of the North Pole. Goku clearly had no idea, had nobody to tell them, nobody to teach him, so his imagination chased the lights his own way:

"It's like a rainbow!" He stretched his hands skyward. "All the stars look like little blue and green fireflies. I feel like I could grab 'em!" Hakkai found himself smiling despite himself, ardently wishing he could give Goku the reach he needed to capture that bright light in his hands, to give him something to hold on to, but when he looked at his own palms, he could still see the stains there of the sins that marred him. Goku, affixed to the sky, quietly added, "It's like shooting stars. Like they're all swirling around in bunches and flying free." He clasped his hands tight over his heart. "When I was little and alone, I'd make a wish whenever I saw a shooting star." He squeezed his palms together. "Sometimes, I'd sit up all night waiting for one, and I'd wish as hard as I could. I must've wished for a family to come and take me home and love me a million times." He spun around, eyes gleaming bright under the shining night sky. "Hey, do you think I could wish for Sanzo to love me?" He pivoted back around before Hakkai could answer, squeezing his hands together tight, whispering, "Please, please, please…"

Hakkai felt a pang of empathy – this poor child – and stepped forward. "Goku, I'm afraid–"

"There." Goku unfolded his hands and let them fall to his sides. "See? Now, I know it won't happen. Just like back then. And it can be the stars' fault. And I can just give up and get on with my life." His voice wound up in pitch, cracking and breaking as he turned around to face Hakkai again, his eyes still gleaming, but this time wet and brimming with tears. "And it's gonna be okay, right?"

Hakkai still couldn't answer, and Goku burst into chest-wracking sobs. He groped blindly forward, reaching for Hakkai, reaching for somebody, anybody, and Hakkai, knowing he was the only one there, cautiously reached back. Goku fell into his open chest, and Hakkai closed his arms around him as Goku glommed on tight and wailed like a mourning widow. Not knowing what else to say, Hakkai let Goku cry into his shoulder and chest, soaking his shirt, and ran his palms down Goku's narrow back. "There, there," he whispered, just as his hand ran over a small bump under Goku's clothes, a tight article of clothing. He winced, as he could only hazard a guess as to what it was and knew it wasn't his place to ask, and hushed Goku with gentle, meaningless comfort. "It's alright. It's going to be alright." Goku pounded his fist on Hakkai's back, hiccuping and heaving out broken, gasping sobs, and squeezed on a little tighter.

Hakkai carefully ushered Goku back inside and pulled him to sit beside him on the sofa. Goku instinctively curled against him, still crying, and Hakkai held Goku's back to his chest, clasped both of his smaller hands in his, stroked his hair, and continued to whisper kind words into his ear, knowing they wouldn't help yet but praying that some of it might reach and soothe his wounds. He kissed the backs of his hands when Goku sobbed harder, and though Goku whispered something back, Hakkai couldn't understand it. He instead murmured, "You are more than this, and you're going to be alright," and rocked Goku against him until he quieted. When Goku finally cried himself into sleep, Hakkai couldn't will himself to move him away. Instead, he kissed Goku on his forehead at the hairline and remained cuddled with him, then let himself slip soundlessly away.

Morning came, blunt and harsh, with the ring of his alarm. Hakkai startled awake to find the rest of the sofa empty but for Ryuu curled on the arm. A note written on a page torn from his shopping list pad had been left on the coffee table:

"I fed Ryuu his dry food in case you forget again. I'm sorry I imposed last night, I wasn't really thinking straight. I hope I wasn't too embarrassing! I'll lock the bottom lock on my way out. Sorry for leaving the deadbolt undone. Thank you for taking such good care of me. - Goku"

He wondered what time Goku had left, because the sky was still dark. The Northern Lights were gone, and dawn was merely a distant wish. Surely, the buses weren't running yet. "I would have given him a ride," he murmured to himself, but shook it off.

No matter what had happened the day before, he had a business to see to, and people were depending on him, no matter whether or not they should. He ignored the ache in his bones, his arms, his heart, and rose to face the day.

"Good morning." The bakeshop door swung shut amid the pre-opening bustle, and Hakkai glanced out from around the oven door and past the rest of the morning bakers to see Sanzo standing in the door. Sanzo raised an eyebrow in his general direction as he demanded of the room, "We got all our ducks in a row in here? Where are the bagels?"

"Ah!" Houmei gasped from her station, already rushing to gather the baskets. "We're getting them together now, we got bogged up somehow!"

Sanzo made a noise of disgust, but stormed off to check the inventory sheet. Hakkai closed the oven door on the muffins and edged towards him, searching him for any signs of stress. Was his tie always a little crooked? Did he always have those deep bags under his eyes? Sanzo's gaze flashed to him, and his brow set in a nasty scowl. "What the fuck do you want?"

Hakkai pursed his lips, but he had to say something. "I spoke with Goku last night," he said in a hush. Sanzo's nostrils flared, but Hakkai noticed his hand clench then release, his fingers trembling just a little.

"You can do whatever or whoever you want on your time. I don't care.."

Hakkai cringed at the implications, but he shook his head. "Why did you do it?"

Sanzo's eyes widened for a moment, then narrowed to angry slits. "Why did you?"

Hakkai had no answer, and stood unable to speak, his shoulders falling slack, and Sanzo skulked away, leaving any hope of a conversation hanging like so many other things left broken in their wakes.