9 Years with the Marauders: 1972-1981. Beginning in 2nd year, the trials and tribulations of the Marauders right up until the deaths of James and Lily Potter. Remus/Sirius relationship-centric. James/Lily. Warning SLASH! Contains m/m content in later chapters.
DISCLAIMER: All characters, locations, and bits (with a few exceptions) are property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. Studios.
NOTES ON THIS CHAPTER: November, 1977. WARNING: This chapter contains strong language and scenes inappropriate for younger audiences.
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Remus was the one who should have understood the most what it meant to be standing here. He should have been the one with all the kind words and pats on the back. He knew what it was like to lose family. Except he didn't, because this wasn't just a mother, it was a mother and a father, and all the family James had left in the world. Remus was always awkward, and even now, even when he was wearing the same suit he had worn less than a year ago in his own house, even when he recognized all the symptoms, he didn't know what to do, and wouldn't know how to do it if he did.
Lily had never been so kind to James. Not even when they went on that date, not even when she was friends with him. They had always had a kind of animosity between them. They were friends, they got along, but behind all of that there was a distinct push and pull, like two small children who threw spitballs and kicked each other on the playground. Now she was unbearably kind, kind enough for herself and Remus, who really didn't know what to do.
Sirius was angry and broken. Remus didn't even know how to fix him. They were all broken somehow. Peter, who wanted nothing more than for James to do something wonderful so that he could applaud and somehow make it better. Lily, who was being far too kind to the boy who had lost his parents, consoling and offering herself as a shoulder or an arm, or anything, anything at all that James needed. Remus who knew the hole in the pit of James' stomach and the gnawing, angry, torn, grieving sensation, yet couldn't even bring himself to say sorry. And Sirius, who was lost, who needed to pound something into the ground to make himself feel better, and who probably wanted James to be the one he pounded, for no reason at all, and that only made him angrier and guiltier.
They had been Sirius' family too. The only real family he had ever had. And they had been his one and only family for only a year before they were gone too. Remus wanted to comfort him, to do what he knew how to do. But they were at a funeral for god's sake, that would be wrong on several levels, not to mention it meant leaving James entirely alone while they went off and snogged or whatever else they were doing.
James walked by them again after making a circle around the room, receiving conciliations from everyone who had gathered. People seemed afraid to touch him, afraid to do anything but apologize. Remus didn't want to apologize like everyone else. The four of them, Peter, Lily, Sirius, and Remus, were all standing next to one of Mrs. Potter's flowerpots. The blooms were looking on the saggy side, so Remus – while no one was looking – had poured his glass of water into the base of the plant. Somehow seeing the plants James' mother had tended die as well would be too much.
"Is there anything you need?" Lily said, her voice small, and her eyes painfully soft as she looked at the man in front of her. James was a man now, and would probably never be a boy again.
"I need all these people to bugger off." James said. His voice was lighthearted, but his eyes were serious.
Sirius said nothing. No witty comeback. He didn't even look directly at James, but over his head at the rest of the room. The bespectacled wizard managed a smile. It was an understanding smile. It seemed to say I know how you feel and I'm not angry. This expression only seemed to make Sirius more upset than ever, and he gave James a dark look before turning to the side. He was facing Remus, but his eyes were still on the floor, or the flowerpot, or out the window.
"You don't have to talk to everyone." Lily said reassuringly. She set down her glass on a nearby table and touched James' arm. Remus felt weak for not having the courage to touch James before this. As though James would look at Remus and go "You don't know what it's like. At least your dad is still alive."
"They all came out for this... least I can do is thank them." James said. His voice seemed deeper, or maybe it was just the somber overtone to his words.
"They'll understand." Lily said pointedly, her fingers still pressing into James' forearm, her eyes still gentle. Remus looked away. He felt that this was an important moment between them, and they were all superfluous to the man and woman who were looking at each other with more unspoken things than spoken ones.
"Thanks." James said. Only it wasn't a thank you for saying those things. And he seemed to be speaking to all of them. "Really you guys, thank you for coming. You didn't have to. I mean... well... you know what I mean."
"We do." Remus said lamely. He felt as though if Lily had said it, it would have meant more to James.
"Remus, I..." James seemed to want to say something. After all, the two Marauders were now connected by a bond stronger than friendship. Mutual grief had a way of pulling people together.
"Forget it. I mean... don't forget it... but don't think about it too much today." Remus winced. He was murdering the meaningful words he had been trying to say. "You've just sort of got to... plow through... you know? It's just a big pile of snow you've got to walk through instead of climb over, and somewhere around the middle you feel like you're suffocating and you're numb, but you keep walking and then eventually you get to the other side. You'll always remember the suffocating bit, but you can breathe, and feel, and things get better."
James seemed surprised by the poignant metaphor that his friend had just come up with. "Thanks Moony. That was... helpful."
"Load of bunk."
Everyone in the small area turned to look at Sirius. Remus was hurt by Sirius' dismissal of what the sandy-haired wizard viewed to be quite a good analogy for grief, although of course he didn't show it. Sirius shoved his hands in his pockets and slowly looked at all of them.
"You don't walk through snow, you push it out of the fucking way." Sirius added, and then he looked at the floor again.
"Padfoot..." Remus said, reaching out an awkward hand to awkwardly touch Sirius' awkward shoulder. Sirius jerked away, and Remus felt something crack in him. Sirius didn't look him in the eyes as he walked off.
Lily's lower lip was trembling. "How... how could he... doesn't he realize?"
James shook his head. "No... no, it's fine. I get it. My mum and dad... they were his parents too. I mean..."
Remus sighed, and turned. He gave James a look, and James blinked. Telepathic permission to go after Sirius. He turned and headed out the back door where Sirius had gone. He didn't know where Sirius would go, so he just sort of followed his instincts.
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It wasn't fair.
Sirius collapsed angrily onto the bare patch of dirt underneath a tree at the far end of the backyard, where once he and James had been caught by Dorea Potter smoking cigarettes, and she had stood there and made them smoke the entire pack to learn a lesson. Sirius hadn't touched a cigarette since.
It just wasn't fair that Sirius wasn't allowed to feel feelings. James was right. He was stunted. He had all sorts of emotions, but he didn't know what to do with them. They burned in the pit of his stomach, taunting him with his inadequate methods at dealing with them. Pushing them down deeper into his stomach only made the burning intensify. When they finally bubbled up, they came out as anger, anxiety, or pranks.
Maybe James was right about everything. He wouldn't know how to love someone even if they told him that they loved him. After all, he'd never felt anything for any of the girls he had ever "dated". And Remus...
Well, Remus was something altogether different, wasn't he?
"Speak of the devil." Sirius muttered as a body he had become intimately acquainted with over the last few months sat down next to him.
Remus didn't speak, he only sat silently next to Sirius. The dark-haired boy let his hair fall into his eyes to hide them. Remus was not trying to get him to talk about his feelings, which was certainly a miracle, and he wasn't fidgeting or being awkward.
"Do you remember," Remus finally said some time later, when Sirius had already stopped paying attention to him, "that summer after fourth year, or maybe fifth year, when we found those Muggle girls?"
Sirius shrugged. "Of course I do."
"I think what I remember most – probably because it was so embarrassing – was after Charlie caught James kissing Amelie or whatever her name was, he sat all three of us down for a talk. About... you know, womanly bits."
"Oh yeah... cor, that was brutal." Sirius mused, propping his chin up on one hand.
"I think it was a lot worse for me, because he wasn't actually my dad, so it was sort of like... this conversation should be between parents and kids, and I felt extremely gawky."
"You always feel gawky."
"Shut up, you're missing the point."
"Enlighten me."
"It wasn't as bad for you two, because he was your dad. He's been your dad since you first hung out with the Potters. I mean... you have a 'father' – so to speak – but Charlie was your dad, if you know what I mean. And really Sirius... it's okay to mourn them."
Sirius tightened up like an animal about to run. Remus was looking at him softly, not obtrusive, not asking him to talk about his feelings. Just letting him know that yes, it was okay to mourn people who weren't your biological parents because you still loved them.
"They never asked for anything." Sirius said softly. "They never made me talk to them about it, they just seemed to understand. They never expected anything of me. They bought me clothes and presents and didn't want anything in return. I was planning on moving out last summer, but they wanted me to stay. They said they wanted me to have a home until I was finished with school. I didn't want to be a burden. I... I didn't understand them. Especially not Auntie. I never did ask them why... now I'll never even know."
Remus touched the back of Sirius' neck with two fingers. Sirius didn't move, welcoming the touch, and after a few minutes the two fingers snaked up into his hair and became five fingernails rubbing gently against his scalp.
"See? You can feel." Remus said gently a few moments later, as Sirius was relaxing and leaning a bit into him.
Sirius let out a barking laugh, and looked over at Remus. For the first time, he seemed to see something else in Remus. Maybe it was a memory of worry on this face this past summer, maybe it was the tiny crinkles around honey-brown eyes, or maybe even the scrunched up shoulders. Or perhaps it was the hint of gray he saw in the temples of a seventeen year old boy. Despite all this, despite the pain, despite the fact that Sirius himself had done a half-assed job of comforting Remus at another funeral eleven months ago, Remus was still scratching his scalp and helping him to talk about his feelings.
"I doubt it." Sirius said eventually, leaning forward to rest his forehead on Remus' shoulder. Remus fidgeted for a moment, and looked around, but eventually he relaxed, adjusting his arm to keep stroking his fingers through the thick, dark strands of hair. "James was probably right. I'm stunted. If someone came right out and told me they loved me I'd probably start laughing hysterically and stick Pepper Imps down their drawers."
Remus' fingers stopped for a second, not continuing until he spoke. "Did you ever think... maybe those people that might come out and say something... something like that... they might know what you meant?"
"Meant?"
"With the Pepper Imps and the underpants. They might see it as a sign of affection."
Sirius was breathing against Remus' shirt, but his breath slowed as something started to dawn in the back of his head. "That's mental." He commented.
There was an exhalation of breath almost like the beginnings of a chuckle from Remus. "Those people probably recognize that they are indeed mental, and there isn't much they can do about it."
"And those people don't mind that they get Pepper Imps down the back of their trousers instead of chocolates or cards in the mail?"
"While they probably would enjoy the occasional chocolate, they probably realize that the way of Pepper Imps is their future and they – in their degenerated psychological state – don't mind it a bit."
Sirius looked up from his perch in Remus' jumper. "Hypothetically."
Remus had a sly smile on his face as he agreed. "Hypothetically."
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When Lily was very young, she used to tell herself that she hated James Potter. His stupid, impossible hair. His stupid glasses. His especially stupid best friend.
He tormented her, in the way that young boys did to the girls they liked, but weren't yet allowed to like. Had they been Muggles, it might have been tugging on her braids, or throwing rocks at her during recess, or tripping her in the halls. Since they were wizards however, it was ink on the ends of her hair, potions in her food that made her voice squeak or rumble, or made her sick, and jinxes that caused pimples or facial hair.
She had very quickly learned hexes and jinxes of her own. Severus Snape had even taught her one or two spells of his own invention. The one she had once used on James in the hallway – and then James had turned around in fifth year and used it on Severus himself – was one of her personal favorites. She was not the kind of girl to lie down and take it quietly. She fought back.
For some reason this only enamored the bespectacled boy towards her even more. And as he had grown up, she had never let go of the image of a taunting, foolish, immature young Gryffindor. Even when he had been sincere, on those few occasions on which she had not been angry at him, she had dismissed him.
Now Lily had to say that she liked James Potter. They had become something like friends. Like friends in that she no longer wanted to kill him, and sometimes they hung out and talked like normal human beings did.
However, that had all changed when she had shown up at the Potters' funeral. James had invited her, sort of, but it was Remus who had really pushed her into going. And she was kind of glad she did. Something in her – a part that had been in denial for a year now – stirred, seeing a somber James walking around the room. He shook the hands of witches and wizards that he knew, he talked to Dumbledore calmly and succinctly. He showed no signs of depression, of grief. He was a man, dealing with the things a man must do. Men buried their parents, men consoled other family members even when their own hearts were breaking, and men thanked people for coming even though he probably didn't want them there anyway.
Slowly, people started to leave. Some of them slipped out without telling James, Lily saw them putting on coats and heading out the door. Others came up to him and apologized for not being able to stay longer, and made their excuses, and then walked away. James turned to the four of them. Remus and Sirius had come back in from the yard a while ago.
"I've got to stay another day or two... Lily, I hope you don't mind, but you'll be on your own for patrols."
How mature, how strong. Thinking of his duties as Head Boy rather than the loss of his parents. Thinking of the things he needed to do rather than the things he wanted to do. Lily moved toward him, and grabbed one of his large hands in both of her far more dainty ones, and gripped his fingers tightly. "James... if you need anything... anything at all. Just owl me. I'll leave school that day. I swear it."
She got up on her tiptoes – when had James become so tall? – and kissed his cheek. He looked bewildered, but grateful, and she squeezed his hand one more time before she turned back to Remus. "We should probably go."
Remus smiled at her and nodded. She had been to his mother's funeral only a year ago, and she was surprised he had been able to come. Then again, Remus was a rock in most ways. Sirius had at least calmed down. He no longer seemed angry, just a bit broken and twisted, like something was caught in his throat and he was working on removing it before he could speak again. Before they left, he walked over and grabbed James in that one-armed man-hug that that was the most emotional gesture the majority of the male species could muster.
James walked them to the door, and Lily squeezed his arm again, and smiled gently, and he reached up as though he was going to touch her cheek, but then his arm dropped to his side nervously. "Thanks again for coming Lily. I... it was good of you... you didn't even know them."
"Well... they were obviously good parents." Lily said quietly, before she, Remus, Sirius, and Peter all Disapparated from the front step back to Hogsmeade.
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Dear Lily,
Sorry to be bothering you like this. I don't really have anyone else to talk to. I could just as easily send this letter to Remus, as I think he might understand the contents, but he wouldn't really know what to say in response. If you don't know what to say either, I'll understand, but I think I'll feel better just knowing that you'll be reading this. Of course you shouldn't show this to Remus or Sirius, especially not Sirius. He is hurting just as much as I am – which only makes him utterly insufferable rather than pitiable like myself. Please don't be too hard on him.
There are so many things to do, I don't even know where to start. A solicitor came by today to talk about my parents' will. I was lost through the whole thing. I don't know anything about wizarding law, but I heard a whole mess about estate law and taxes, and the things that my parents never finished doing so that I'm going to have to handle them. There are bills to pay – thankfully enough money for those – and letters that need sending, and things that need taking care of. While I'm finishing up the school year the owls and plants and house need someone around to tend to them, I know Bathilda isn't anywhere near well enough to handle that kind of responsibility.
It is a lot of responsibility. There are things that my parents did that I never even knew about. I had to go through their personal things to find some paperwork, and I found an entire box of photographs. Mostly of me, though there are a few of Sirius as well. And I found a letter my dad wrote while he was in the hospital. I couldn't help but cry a little bit (please don't tell the others, it was hard enough dealing with my inner James calling me a nancy). Mum died right away, but Dad was there for a week before he passed, I just didn't get to see him until his last day.
It's painful. I feel this ache in me. I woke up this morning and I swear to Merlin's pants I smelled pancakes from the kitchen, and I ran down the stairs and the kitchen was empty; the smell was gone. I had to sort out my father's clothing, deciding which should be thrown away, and which should be donated to the poor, and which I should keep for myself, like the dress robes. I'm a bit too tall for most of his clothes, but some of the robes will do. The problem was, as I was going through everything, the smell of his cologne, and the cigars he used to sneak when Mum didn't know, but she always caught him anyway... the broom polish that he used to use in the living room even though Mum hated the smell...
Smells cling to every surface. The kitchen still has lingering odors of food, their bedroom smells like perfume and the strange creams and elixirs Mum used to use, and the living room smells like roasting firewood and hot chocolate and coffee. It feels wrong, to remove those smells.
I'm rambling now, and I've got to go to Gringott's to finalize some paperwork. Let the Marauders know that I'll be back in a day or two, and that Remus was kind to send me the homework though I didn't bother to bring any of my books home with me. Also tell Peter that I appreciated the candy, but not to send anymore. I'm not feeling in a very candy mood.
Thank you for being at the funeral Lily. I don't just mean as a friend, I mean you were there as... well I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say. I've given up on you ever wanting anything to do with me romantically. But still, you are a wonderful friend. I hope you don't mind me writing you like this, and I hope I haven't depressed you with all this sad talk about dead parents. I appreciate the fact that you no longer throw things at me, if nothing else than for the sake of my mathematical skills.
Ever yours,
James C. Potter
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: I forgot to mention this in the author's notes for the last chapter. The "deleted scenes" of mature content are up on my profile, as is the sev/lily AU onshot that I wrote for NonrealityRocks as a prize for being my 150th review. The smut is called The Parts Between, and the fanfic is called For the Love of a Woman. Please feel free to review on either.
This chapter was hard because I'd already done a funeral and I had to try and make this one as different as possible while also keeping the basic ideas and emotions the same. Also, hotpinkfleur and I have concluded that Sirius Black is officially one of the most tragic Harry Potter characters out there. JKR really did a number on the poor guy, and then killed him to boot. D; 'Tis displeasing.
WOOOOOOOO: Roxy won a writing contest! With this here story even! It was only a user-run contest on and it only had 22 entries, but I'm pretty damn shocked about it. I'll update with details next chapter or the chapter after that, but I will be receiving several pieces of prize fanfiction and a fanart of the Marauders, and I would love to share them with you guys. My readers are the only reason I write, so there would be no contest entry without you.
I WOULD LIKE TO THANK:
hotpinkfleur: in every single chapter, because she is, as always, my ever-present writing advisor and friend *hug*
Mousetalon, QuartzSmokeyTygarWyldeTyler, LoverFaery, and freakyprincess-87: I've come so far, and it's great to know that there are people who have stuck with me this long. I've never had much confidence in myself, but I'm glad you guys think better of me than I do!