Kirk tossed and turned. Even sleeping on the hard floor –something he hadn't done in a while but was an old habit-hadn't allowed him to rest. He finally gave in and opened his eyes. He glanced at the chronometer on the wall and saw it was late at night. He had a bridge shift in a few hours and had been up at least the better part of two days, but sleep was an elusive goal.

He sat up and stared at the wall, thinking. His day hadn't been pleasant. For hours he had been in conference with various admirals, commodores and ambassadors discussing T'karis and the Romulans. It looked like war was brewing and the intelligence from agents near the Neutral zone was promising. To add to his problems, as the captain of the Enterprise he had awarded several commendations to several members of the crew who had died on T'karis. He didn't feel fulfilment in his any of his actions. He and his crew had uncovered one of the largest plots in federation history but war was still the likely outcome. And the commendations had left a sour taste in his mouth even as he was talking with the family and friends of the crew who had been awarded the honour. What did it matter they had been promoted a rank or received a medal? They would never enjoy the recognition. It was only a poor solace to the people they had left behind. Kirk would have sacrificed everything he had if he could have given them back to their families instead of meaningless words.

The if-onlys plagued his mind, but he had long since learned to push them back. Suppressing his doubts and guilt so he could function, but the feelings were still there festering as he refused to acknowledge them except for in his darkest moments.

Kirk stood up tossing his blanket and pillow onto his bead. He yawned and rubbed his eyes. Then started toward his cabin door, seeking the one person who no matter how much he fussed and grumbled always seemed to have a way of making him feel a little better. He was also the only person with who he could even lower his guard slightly.

Kirk walked through the ship taking side corridors and maintenance pathways. Even though it was late at night, there always was the chance of meeting one of the night shift crew. And in addition to a strong desire to be left alone he didn't want anybody seeing him tousle-haired, with sleep still tugging at his eyes and clad only in a T-shirt and shorts.

He slipped into one of the main corridors intending to cross it quickly rather than taking a roundabout way that took a good deal longer for him to reach his destination. It was quiet and he was nearly to the next maintenance shaft when a door opened in front of him and his first officer stepped out. Both men froze staring at each other. Kirk was vaguely embarrassed at being caught skulking around his own ship but after a moment decided Spock probably would just chalk it up to "illogical human behaviour." Kirk smiled slightly and said "Hi Spock."

His first office rather stiffly inclined his head and said. "Captain."

Kirk frowned at Spock's formal tone; he had been acting too Vulcan way since they had gotten of T'karis. He stared at Spock trying to figure out what was going through the Vulcan's head then he noticed Spock's uniform was wet ; and was his imagination or did Spock look a little flushed? Kirk took a careful sniff as he smelled a familiar scent. The aromatic aroma that wafted off Spock was the pleasant combination of smells that only one person he knew used.

A glance at the door Spock had just come from identified the room as Uhura's quarters. A wicked grin grew on Kirk's face. "So Spock want to tell me what's going on here or... what went on?" Kirk paused and watched as the greenish flush to Spock's face and neck grew, but the Vulcan didn't speak. The expression on first officer's face only egged Kirk on. He careful apprised Spock and noticed faint scratches on his neck and hands and added ."It's okay if you don't want to I'm sure I can think up a few interesting scenarios on my own."

Spock still didn't speak. Kirk eyes lit up as he said " So I guess you and Uhura finally made up, huh?"

The words did what the others hadn't. Anger flashed in Spock's eyes so fast Kirk was almost unsure he had seen it. Then the Vulcan leaned close, causing Kirk to unconsciously taka step backwards. Spock's eys were blazing with anger as he said in a dangerous tone. "What goes on between me and Uhura is our affair and no one else's, captain." Kirk nodded once and wisely kept silent as Spock walked off. He stared after his first officer and then at the quarters Uhura occupied wondering whether he should talk to either of them. Finally he sighed and continued on, it wasn't like he knew what to say to them anyway.

Kirk made his solitary way to sickbay, and slipped unnoticed past the two nurses on duty. One was fast asleep; her head rested on a desk as she dreamed. The other nurse was alternately playing a game on a console and watching a vitals monitor.

Three crew members were fast asleep in biobeds nearby; one had a regen unit humming quietly as it slowly rotated over his leg. Kirk recognized two of the patients as ensigns from engineering and the other as a lieutenant from communications.

His worry for his crew overrode his desire to be unnoticed. He walked up to the nurse who was awake and tapped him on the shoulder. The man immediately clicked off his screen while simultaneously turning around. "Doctor, I –" The nurse stopped noticing he wasn't McCoy and when a second later he realised who it was an even more panicked look crossed his face. "Uh, Captain I was, just—" He stammered as he started to rise from his seat.

Kirk waved off the man's explanation and pushed the nurse back down into his seat. He jerked his head toward the crew in the biobeds and asked. "What's wrong with them?"

"Uh, nothing sir. One has pneumonia; the other two were in an engineering accident. One had an inhalation injury the other a broken bone."

"But nothing serious?" Kirk questioned.

"Uh, no sir."

Kirk nodded and turned away before he had taken a step, he looked over his shoulder at the nurse who was still watching him and added as he glanced at the blank console the nurse had been playing a game on. "If you want to take five minutes off that level; go around, not under the nebula."

The nurse was clearly shocked, but said. "Um, yes captain. Thank you sir."

Kirk continued toward McCoy's office. He entered without knocking. The doctor was fast asleep, with his head pillowed on his arms and a cold cup of coffee perilously close to the edge of the desk. Piles of printouts occupied the sides of the desk and stacked in a tower on the floor was a heap of padds. Kirk grabbed the cup of coffee and tipped it in a recycler before he dropped down in a seat at McCoy's desk. He watched quietly as the doctor slept, not bothering to wake his friend up. He only wanted company. Kirk just didn't want to be alone.

Minutes passed before McCoy turned his head. A piece of flimsy stuck to the side of his face and McCoy pulled it off and wiped a line of drool off his cheek with the back of his hand before glancing blearily at an old-fashioned clock he had mounted to the wall opposite his desk. The doctor sighed at the time before rubbing his eyes and straightened up looking around. When he finally noticed Kirk he visibly started and a steady flow of swear words flew from his mouth as his eyes widened in shock.

"Godamn it Jim!" McCoy gasped. He caught his breath then glowered at Kirk and added. "I hate it when you do that. Do you know how shocking it is when you wake up from a sound sleep to find someone watching you in silence like the f—king grim reaper? I'm surprised I'm still alive after all the times in the academy I woke up in the academy to find your creepy a—looming over me."

Kirk gave a small smile that was half-tired and half-unforgivingly mischievous. "Sorry Bones."

"You're no sorrier than you've been the few thousand other times you did this to me." McCoy grumbled. He rubbed his eyes again and then examined Kirk. He noted the fatigue in his friend's face and knew the reason he had awoke to find Kirk waiting for him. It was the same reason it had been the other thousands of times. "Can't sleep again kid?"

Kirk shrugged, knowing McCoy already knew the answer.

McCoy sighed. "I can't either. The cat nap you caught me taking is the first few minutes of uninterrupted sleep I've gotten in a few days. Too much on my mind to sleep... That and too much work." McCoy was silent for a few minutes. Abruptly he stood up and moved to a small cabinet. He pulled out a bluish bottle and two tumblers before returning to his desk. Wordlessly he poured two tumblers full with a pale pink liquid, pushed one towards Kirk and then took a long draught of his own. McCoy stared into the depths of his glass then muttered " Why couldn't Starfleet have all the work done by their forensics' team. Why are they having some of us combing through images and tissue samples from those corpses in the colony ship disaster?" McCoy took another swallow then spoke again . The words were quiet directed more at himself than anyone else. " three-hundred photos of the children alone..."

McCoy ran a hand over his face and drained his glass. He refilled it and took another gulp .Kirk took a sip of the beverage and swilled it in his mouth before swallowing. He sat back in his chair with a sigh. "I'm sorry Bones I—there wasn't another option...I—" Kirk broke off and simply stared at his friend's desk.

The doctor glanced up from his own reverie at Kirk's words. "None of that was your fault." McCoy read the ever present guilt in his eyes and said. "Jim I keep telling you, you can't take everything on yourself."

"I'm not taking everything on myself."

" No you're just accusing yourself continuously in your mind for something you have no control over. "McCoy said when Kirk didn't respond he continued. "You act in the moment making decisions that nobody should have to make. But you make them and save all our a—es in the process, but afterwards it eats away at you. You destroy yourself with the what –ifs."

"Bones, I thought you were as you tell everyone 'a doctor not a psychiatrist?" Kirk quipped changing the subject.

McCoy dismissed Kirk's attempt at redirection and said. "Jim, let..."

"I didn't come here to talk about me Bones. I just came for some company. " Kirk took another sip of his drink and then asked. "How's the crew?"

McCoy stared at Kirk clearly wanting to say something else, but he respected his wishes enough to say "Well, the three out there are fine. I'll probably release them tomorrow morning."

Kirk raised his eyes from contemplating his drink to lock gazes with McCoy clearly letting the doctor know the crew in sickbay weren't the ones he was inquiring on. McCoy avoided Kirk's eyes for a moment then took a large gulp of his glass draining it before he started talking.

XXXX XXXX

Chekov was a foot behind Aritha as they reached the Rec room. She swung around, her face aglow with delight. "Hah, I won." She started to do a victory dance and bumped into Chekov accidentally knocking him down, she toppled onto him. They stared at each other as Chekov sat up; she was still sprawled across him. "Oops, a little too much exuberance." She said apologetically. Before Aritha could speak again, Chekov had kissed her, surprising them both. The kiss deepened and they reached for each other pulling closer. Both were unaware of where they were until somebody cleared their throat rather loudly. Aritha and Chekov both broke apart to find Sulu staring down at them, his eyebrows raised. Chekov sheepishly stared at his friend before he got to his feet and tugged Aritha up.

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Uhura had been feeling odd for days now, as much as she tried to deny it she knew something about her body had changed. The small changes that she had been trying to ignore were becoming glaringly obvious. ...painfully obvious. She wanted to deny what had happened but if what she thought was true, she would never be able to pretend it had just been a dream or a memory made to seem real by a mental link.

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"I think we all know what happened on that planet isn't ever going to completely go away. Spock and Uhura are having some difficult times, and neither one of them is going to admit that something is wrong." McCoy said in response to Kirk's questions about his first officer and communications specialist.

Kirk sighed. "I wish I could have done something different. If I had got there earlier or maybe not even sent her. Spock said Silkar was fixated on her. Maybe if I had sent someone else—"

"The same thing could have happened. You can't analyse every decision afterwards, you'll kill yourself." McCoy muttered.

There was silence then Kirk asked "So what about Chekov?"

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Chekov was acutely aware of Aritha shoulder pressed against him. He tried to focus on the Holo but her scent was distracting. He scooted a little closer under the guise of shifting in his seat. She turned as he moved and he saw his movement hadn't covered his real intentions at all.

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Uhura stared at the object in her hand...If she did this there would be no turning back. She would be forced to accept and deal with the truth. No longer would what she suspected be a possibility but it would be a very real reality.

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"Spock found out that apparently, Chekov had some kind of program he was using to trick the medical scanners so nobody found out about all the injuries he had and asked about them. And after we got back from the planet I noticed that the same injuries I had seen earlier were there but, there was so much going on I didn't ask him about them again. I can't believe for all this time I fell for the excuses he made for the scars across his body. " McCoy said. "I feel kind of guilty, for not noticing something was wrong with him earlier"

"We were all too busy and he never let anybody know." Kirk said taking a sip of brandy.

McCoy took a sip of his own glass looking pensive. He spoke "apparently the Narada incident was the trigger that started the cascade of events in his mind, he had a lot of memories and thoughts he had suppressed, probably for years. When that happened they all just came tumbling forward, and then Kelly dying pushed him over the edge"

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Half way through the holo-vid Aritha laid her head on Chekov's shoulder. He stiffened slightly then relaxed. The warm weight of her body next to his brought a myriad of emotions both good and bad. Memories of another girl and another place brought a burning sensation to his eyes and tightened his throat but at the same time the pit of his stomach was fluttering as he felt Aritha move even closer and her hair tickle his ear.

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She summed up her courage and pricked her fingers. A drop of blood welled out the tiny puncture and dripped onto the monitor. Uhura licked her lips, her mouth was suddenly dry. Her eyes were focused on the test.

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"He's been coming in for daily counselling sessions, but I think he can go back to active duty in a few days. There's certainly no reason to relieve him of duty. It's best for him if he stays busy. It's not like he's got anything else but Starfleet..." McCoy said his finger tracing the rim of his glass. "I'm not putting the attempt in his record. Officially it's listed as an accidental poisoning. Starfleet isn't very forgiving about this sort of thing and if they found out the truth they'd have dragged him in for numerous psych evals then either declared him unfit for duty or discharged him. Somebody needed to give the kid a break. The only people that know the truth are you, me, Uhura and Spock."

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Remembering Sulu's words from earlier, Chekov took a deep breath and slipped his arm around Aritha. She sighed at his touch and relaxed more pulling her legs up onto her seat.

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Uhura glanced down at the test holding it to the light with trembling fingers.

It was positive.

She was pregnant.

It shouldn't have been possible for her to be pregnant. Genetically without intervention it was almost impossible, so how could it be? But maybe there had been intervention ? how would she know everything that had happened while she had been captured. What she did remember was confused anyway. Uhura shook her head trying to ignore the thoughts spreading through her mind. She tried to think rationally, it was entirely possible that the memories she had weren't real. But she just didn't know whose it was. Spock's or Si- she didn't even finish the name in her mind. She closed her mind to the images the thought had brought up.

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"Chekov seemed to be the happiest person on the ship. Until a while ago he was always the one cheering everybody else up" Kirk said.

"Things aren't what they seem and he put on a good front. He was what everybody wanted him to be, until he couldn't do it anymore." McCoy paused "He had almost as many scars on his body as you and I fell for his lies of farm accidents and tripping over stuff, I feel stupid." McCoy shook his head and gave a mirthless laugh "At least you have numerous bar fights as an explanation his was so threadbare it's not funny. If he had of told somebody earlier I could have helped him" McCoy was too busy sipping his drink, to notice the expression that had flitted across Kirk's face at the mention of his scars.

Kirk said quietly "He didn't want the pity everybody would give if they knew"

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Chekov watched the holovid without really seeing it. He was thinking of everything that had happened in the past few weeks. All the things that people finally knew about him; all the secrets he had finally told. He glanced down at Aritha watching her sleep and remembered the words he had never told Leah. He promised to himself there was one secret he wasn't ever going to keep.

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Uhura picked up the test and threw it away down the disposal chute. She wiped tears off her face with her fingers.

She wished she knew. Was her mind the only thing Silkar had touched? What was true and what was not? She didn't know the answer to either question. . She knew she could go to sickbay and they could find out, but she couldn't take knowing if the answer was what she thought it was. She knew one thing she wouldn't –couldn't tell Spock he had been through enough, if he found out ...She knew he had enough grief in these past months. She wouldn't burden him anymore. She dried her face and left the bathroom.

This was her secret, hers alone.

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"If there's one thing I've learned over the years it's this, everybody's got secrets, Jim" McCoy muttered drinking his glass of brandy in one long swallow. McCoy and Kirk were quiet as they each thought of their own. As McCoy set his empty glass down and he repeated thoughtfully "everybody's got secrets"

-The End-

This story is dedicated to the survivors. Those who continue even when one step forward is making two steps back and to those who give them the extra momentum to overcome the hill.

Thanks to all my reviewers, favouriters and followers. I appreciate you all! This is the end of the story but there will be a sequel. You'll have to wait probably till the middle of this year for it to start but I hope it will be worth the wait. Questions : What do you think will happen in the sequel and what would you like to see? What was your feeling about this story overall? And what genre do you think it fits into? If you want to know what's going on check out the newsfeed on my profile. I'll be finishing up extras: words of revolution than probably taking a short writing hiatus. If you would like to have a certain story written PM me I do write gift fics and feel free to visit my profile and take the poll on which story you want me to write next. Feedback is appreciated and enjoy!