Luke was apprehensive as he watched his boyfriend on the phone. He couldn't stand still and he ignored the looks Noah was giving him. His heart was beating fast and truthfully he didn't know why he was so frightened. Would his mom go for this? Would she come alone? Would she listen to Noah? He wanted to see her, needed to see if she meant everything she had said on TV. HE wanted to see her, but he wasn't ready to face Damian…not yet. That would come soon, but he needed to talk to his mom first. If she would agree.
"You can stop pacing now," Noah said startling him, and causing him to stop suddenly. "Whoa," Noah said catching him before he stumbled backwards. "Careful, Baby, we don't want you hurting yourself. Come on let's sit down." He allowed Noah to lead him over to the couch where he immediately found solace in strong arms. He felt Noah's fingers in his hair and it immediately started to relax him.
"I don't know what I'd do without you," He said softly as calmness settled over him like a warm blanket.
"Well hopefully you won't have to find out," Noah replied, his voice just as tender as his lips kissed the top of Luke's head. They sat for a moment in comfortable silence, both of them lost in thought, both of them trying to figure out how to start the conversation they needed to have. "She said she'd come," Noah spoke up first, his fingers continuing to allow the silken auburn strands to slip through them.
"Is she going to come by herself?"
"I told her she had to," Noah admitted. "I told her that you wanted to see her, and that I could bring you to her but she had to be alone."
"Do you think she'll listen, Noah?"
Noah frowned and rested his chin in Luke's soft hair. Truthfully he wasn't certain, but he wanted to believe that Lily knew how serious this was. This would be her first step in regaining her son's trust. As it was that wouldn't be easy. Luke didn't trust her…not even a little bit. "Honestly, I don't know." He didn't want to lie to Luke; that was the last thing he wanted. "I think we'll be taking a chance, but you're right about something, Luke. We have to do this…it's time."
"I'm not ready to see Damian," Luke said moving so that he was looking his boyfriend straight in the eyes. Noah's fingers remained suspended in the air, until he placed them against Luke's cheek.
"And he won't see you," he assured his distressed boyfriend. "I promise you that. If Damian is with her, then you won't see them at all. I will protect you okay?"
Luke nodded. He knew he could trust Noah, that wasn't even questionable anymore. He wanted to believe his mom too, but that was going to be hard…even harder then trusting his dad again. He didn't even know how she felt about him now. Was she still disappointed that he was gay? Did she like the idea that Damian wanted to turn him into something he wasn't? Her words on the TV said otherwise, but he wasn't sure what he could believe anymore.
"I'm just suddenly really scared Noah. I mean, I knew this was coming and I know I set in motion, but I feel like I'm back in that place where I don't know who I can trust anymore. I have you and Dad-"
"You have me, your dad and the rest of your family behind you," Noah reminded him, placing a hand on his shoulder to steady him. "Dr. Bob is on your side too. We won't let anything happen to you, Luke."
Luke settled back into Noah's embrace and rested his head against his chest. He trusted what Noah was telling him, but he couldn't help but worry. Things could go very wrong rather quickly and he wasn't so much worried about himself. He was concerned for Noah. He would never forgive himself if his boyfriend got in trouble because of him.
July 11, 2008
Noah and I are going to meet up with my mother today. I am still apprehensive about it, and I have been ever since I told Noah to make the call days ago. Alost a week ago I saw my mom's face on TV and I heard her talking about how much she misses me. She said she wants to find me because she needs to know that I am okay. She seemed so sincere, and I wish I could believe it, but I honestly don't know if I can ever trust her again. Isn't that sad? Not being able to trust your own mother? I have so many mixed feelings about this and I feel like I am tied up into a million knots. It's not just the fact that she couldn't accept that I'm gay. It's a lot of years of pent up frustration and emotions I haven't felt in such a long time.
I'm scared but at the same time I'm anxious to see her. I miss my mom. For all my doubts I still love her. I just wish she could love me too.
July 11, 2008
Its' been six days since I placed that call to Lily, and now comes the moment I've been dreading. I don't know what will happen when Luke and Lily come face to face, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't' concerned with the outcome. Would she come alone? Would she listen to Luke? Did she indeed have Luke's best interests at heart?
I'm just glad we picked a neutral place to meet. There was no way I was bringing her here to the safe haven. Luke needs somewhere where he can be himself and I still hope that this can be our home at the end of all things. Anyway, I have no expectations for today; I just want Luke to come out of it unscathed if that is possible. He has been hurt so much already, and he's getting past it. I know he's going to be strong today, I have faith in that.
"Are you ready?" Noah asked as they stood outside the Lakeview. Luke was holding tightly to his hand as he looked up at the hotel that had been a huge part of his childhood. Everyone inside knew who he was on sight, though their recognition would be slightly impaired; at least he hoped so. He took a deep breath and nodded in response to Noah's question and followed him into the lobby. Noah retrieved the key from the front desk and before Luke could think about it they were boarding the elevator to the top floor.
Luke's heart was beating a mile a minute as they rode up and he felt Noah squeezing his hand reassuringly. He tried to smile at his boyfriend, but truthfully he really didn't know what to expect from this meeting.
"Relax, baby. You have the upper hand here," Noah whispered in his ear. They elevator finally came to a stop and Luke allowed Noah to pull him out into the lush hallway. He tightened his grip on Noah's hand as they walked down the hallway. With every step he felt like he was walking the plank and at any moment he would realize there was nothing there and he would fall. He swallowed hard and took a deep breath trying to stay his overactive imagination. This was not going to be so hard…it was just his mother.
He noticed her as soon as the door opened. Her back was too them, as she stared out the window, glancing out at the view she had seen many times. He looked to Noah who quickly glanced around the room before nodding his approval. The coast was clear; she had come alone as promised and now it really was time.
Noah gave his hand one final squeeze before pulling him further into the room. He cleared his throat and Luke lowered his head as they waited for her to turn around.
Lily stiffened immediately at the noise behind her and ever so slowly she turned to face the men who had entered the room. She blinked when she saw Noah, his tall frame standing out like a beacon, those blue eyes looking at her warily as she moved forward. The man beside him has his head down and she frowned, a question clear in her eyes as she came closer.
"Noah?" she said the uncertainty clear in her tone. "I thought you were bringing my son to me?"
"I'm right here, Mom," Luke spoke before Noah could respond. He looked up and faced his mother with a frown set on his face. "Don't you recognize me?"
Lily heard the voice but it didn't match the face that was starting back at her. The hair was considerably long, and it was auburn. "Is this a joke?" she asked hesitantly as her eyes went to Noah. His were familiar and he didn't' look any different than he had the last time she saw him. "What did you do to Luke? Where is he, Noah. You promised you'd bring him to me."
"Lily, you don't understand," Noah started even as he felt the loss of Luke's hand. He watched his boyfriend ball his hands into fists and he knew before Luke spoke that he was hurt, and angry…very, very angry.
"What's the matter, Mother? Did the hair throw you off? Or maybe it's the fact that I can stand up straight now and I actually look halfway confident. Is that what's throwing you off? Is that why you don't recognize me? Or maybe you just don't want to see me. Do you despise me that much?"
"What, Luke, no," Lily said realizing her error all too late. She moved forward attempting to embrace her son, but he backed away from her. The force of his glare knocked her backwards and Noah stood by wondering if he should step in or not. He decided against it, trusting that Luke could handle this on his own.
"Don't touch me," Luke said holding his hands out in front of him like a shield. "You can't just say something like that and think that it won't affect me. And you can't expect to make it all better by just giving me a hug. I'm not a kid anymore Mom."
"You'll always be my baby, Luke," Lily said after a moment's pause. "I just want you to be okay. Don't you see that? I only want what's best for you."
"By making me have a surgery I don't need or want?" Luke countered even as he took another step backwards. "Do you think I'm so broken that I can't make up my own mind about things?"
"You were just confused. We wanted to make you better."
"Do I sound confused to you?" Luke's voice boomed in the otherwise quiet room and even Noah had to take a step back. He knew his boyfriend had a temper, but this was beyond anything he had seen. All that hurt and frustration he was feeling was boiling at the surface, and Noah wondered how much of it was going to be unleashed on Lily. "I needed you to be there for me, Mom," Luke said, his voice lowering a decibel though it was thick with emotion. "I needed you to tell me that you didn't hate me, and that you loved me…but you couldn't. You couldn't do it, you couldn't love me."
"Luke-"
"Stop talking," Luke cut her off before she could say more. "Just stop and listen for a minute okay? It just hurts so much, Mom. It hurts that you don't love me enough to know me. It makes me sad that my most vivid memories of you are of you leaving me. So please just tell me what I did, Mom. Tell me what I did to make you leave and not want me anymore."
Noah frowned as he leaned against the door watching the confrontation. It was very apparent that Luke's feelings towards his mother went further than just her rejection of his sexuality…or at least what he thought was her rejection. It was obvious that these feelings had been lying dormant for quite some time. He was just glad Luke was able to get them out.
Lily was stunned by the words coming out of her son's mouth. She could tell that he was upset and her heart yearned for her to take him into her arms and tell him he was wrong, but he knew that he wasn't. It made her sad to think that she had somehow failed her son, and she wanted to make it up to him. She just didn't know how to start. The sad part was that she had no argument for him. She couldn't even answer his question…could she? It hurt that he felt this way, and she felt even worse about listening to Damian and leaving her boy yet again when it was obvious that he was crying out for her help.
"You don't have an answer do you?" Luke's wounded voice met her ears. He didn't sound angry anymore, just sad and that cut through her like a knife…this pain he was feeling she felt it too and on some levels she didn't know where it was coming from. "You can't even give me that much?"
"Luke, baby, I'm sorry," she started attempting once more to move towards him. Noah stepped up and placed a hand on her shoulder, shaking his head all the while.
"Stay there," he said his voice gentle but firm. "If you move towards him he will run."
She nodded her understanding and stood still, her eyes watching Noah as he moved back to Luke's side standing behind the shorter man as if to guard his person. Lily found the move curious, but she was in no position to ask questions…not yet.
"I'm sorry," She said softly, her eyes meeting her son's head on as she shifted the purse she had on her arm. "I know that's not enough, Luke, and I know I owe you more…but I need you to know that first. I need you to believe that I am sorry for all the turmoil I have caused you in your life. You are my first born, Luke. The one good thing to come out of my relationship with Damian, and I love you so much." There were tears in her eyes, and she didn't bother to wipe them away. She kept her gaze trained on Luke, hoping that she was getting through to him.
"Then why do you always leave me?" Luke asked and Noah could hear his voice trembling. He kept his eyes trained on his boyfriend for a moment before looking at Lily, whom he had always liked. He waited with baited breath hoping that she would answer that question the right way.
IT was on the tip of her tongue to say she didn't leave, but she realized as she thought it that he was right. It wasn't always intentional, not in the least, but from Luke's perspective it was all the same.
"Dad was always there," Luke's voice intruded on her thoughts. "Dad takes care of me and puts my needs first. That's why it hurt when I thought he sent me away. That's why I felt so betrayed. Dad said he understood my choices, but you wanted to change me. And Damian…you sided with Damian over Dad. Are you that ashamed of me being gay?"
His voice was so calm now, he was no longer yelling. No more screaming, just soft spoken hurt as only Luke could pull it off. Lily wasn't sure which she preferred. Those eyes, so much like her own, were glaring at her, but she could see that he just needed her to tell him the truth. He needed to hear that she loved him.
"I'm not ashamed," Lily countered, her hands once again pulling on the strap of her purse. "Luke, I'm sorry for the way I acted when you came out. I was just shocked, and I didn't think about how my reaction would affect you. I'm so sorry baby."
Luke watched his mom closely and bit his lip. He wanted to believe her. He wanted to run to her and throw his arms around her like he used to do when he was small. He couldn't het…there was one more thing he needed to know. One thing he needed to be sure of before round one was over. "And you forgive me for pushing you down the stairs?"
Lily's face softened and she shook her head. "That wasn't your fault, Luke. I don't know what you were told, but no one blames you for that, Honey. I moved backwards and slipped. It was my fault not yours. I love you, Luke."
"I love you too," Luke murmured as he moved forward to crash into his mother's arms. Noah stood back and watched as Luke buried his head on his mother's shoulder and held on tight. It was almost comical, yet beautiful at the same time. Luke was slightly taller than his mom, but Lily for her credit did her best not to topple over as she wrapped her arms around her son and held him tightly. She had tears in her eyes, and Noah was certain that his boyfriend was crying as well. Noah had no disillusions that this was over. There was a lot of debris to sift through before this mother and son relationship could be completely healed…but it was a start.
July 11, 2008(night time.)
Noah and I just returned home from the Lakeview, and I am emotionally spent. I didn't realize that seeing my mother again would take so much out of me. Noah says he was surprised with how angry I got, and I have to admit I was too. I knew I had a lot of pent up feelings but I didn't mean for them to come out that way. Of course when I apologized Noah said I had every right to be upset and he was proud of me. I think having Noah proud of me makes everything worth it.
I'm not sure what to think about my mom yet. I love her, really I do…and I'm glad that she loves me, but I think it would be naïve to think that everything is fine just because we shared a hug and we got to talk a little. My instincts tell me not to trust her…not fully. She needs to prove herself to me first. I think sometimes an apology is just words. They are used to put a balm on a hurt…but it takes action to back up those words and that's what I'm waiting for. I have to wait to see what she will do next.
Right now I feel the need to relax in Noah's arms. I want him to hold me and never let go. Yes I know how cliché and gooey that sounds but I really don't care. I like being independent, but right now I just want to be with Noah and that's okay. Noah said we could go see my mom again tomorrow. I'm glad he understands me and knows when I'm a little overwhelmed. I'm glad he stepped in to tell mom not to come closer too. He's right; I probably would have backed right out the door if she had come any closer. Otherwise I think things went okay. I just hope I can trust the fact that she loves me.
Luke closed his journal and placed it on the night table before glancing at his boyfriend. "Noah are you still awake"" He asked reaching out to shake his shoulder.
"Hmmm?" Noah asked one eye opening to peek at Luke.
"I just wanted to say I love you," Luke said shyly.
Noah smiled and pulled Luke down beside him, wrapping him in a tight embrace. "I love you too. You did good today."
Luke rested his head against Noah's chest and nuzzled close as Noah's chin settled in his hair. He was content with this position. There was a lot on his mind, but he didn't feel like talking about it at the moment. He just wanted to stay like this for a while, he was content and surrounded by love…there wasn't anywhere he'd rather be then there with Noah and he didn't think that was going to change.
Luke sighed contentedly as he snuggled up to Noah. He could feel his boyfriend's lips on his forehead, and he closed his eyes reveling in that closeness. They had spent the morning making love, an act that Luke was quickly coming to enjoy. He loved how it felt, and he loved the emotions that came along with it. Noah was always so gentle, so sweet and very generous. He was also very satisfied when Luke returned the favor.
Luke almost wished they didn't have to leave the cabin today. He knew they needed to meet up with his mom again, but a part of him wanted Noah to call her to reschedule. He was comfortable where he was, but he knew it wasn't that simple.
He knew that Noah would tell him that they needed to get the appointment over with, and then that night they could come back and relax together again. He sighed as he looked up smiling at the blue eyes that were watching him closely. "I guess we should get up now?"
"Unfortunately," Noah replied, his fingers carding through Luke's hair as he bent down to kiss him. "Your mom will be expecting us, and you did say we needed to end this."
"I know," Luke admitted as he lifted himself out of the bed. He pulled Noah up and didn't protest when those strong arms wrapped around him, holding him close. "I love you, Noah."
Noah dipped his head allowing their lips to meet one last time in a sweet, tender kiss. "I love you too.
It was late afternoon when they finally made it to the Lakeview. They bypassed the front desk and took the elevator up to the top floor. This time Luke was more confident as they walked through the halls. He held Noah's hand and squeezed it tight as they neared the door. Noah knocked and then turned to give Luke a hug telling him everything would be okay.
"Oh god," Luke said pulling away from Noah as the door opened. Puzzled, Noah turned and found himself face to face with Damian.
"What are you doing here?" Noah asked automatically moving in front of Luke to shield him from the other man. Damian ignored Noah and gestured to the cop who Noah hadn't even realized was standing just inside the door.
"Arrest him."
"What, no!" Luke exclaimed from behind Noah. "You can't do that."
"It's alright Luciano," Damian tried to soothe. "You're in good hands now."
"You're making a mistake," Noah protested as the cop pulled his hands behind his back to put the cuffs on. He heard the cop begin to speak his Miranda rights, but he was only partially paying attention. His gaze was on his boyfriend who was beginning to panic. "Luke, go get help."
Luke nodded but for the moment his feet might as well have been glued to the ground. All he saw was the cops leading his Noah away from him. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned sharply, glaring at Damian and his mother who now stood beside him. "Don't you dare touch me," he said his fists clenched. "Don't ever touch me again."
"Luciano let us explain."
Luke swatted at Damian's hand once and glared at his mother. "I'm never going to forgive you for this." Before Lily could respond Luke turned and ran. Angry tears stung his eyes as his feet pounded on the ground. He didn't bother waiting for the elevator. He took the stairs all the way down to the lobby floor and ran out of an emergency exit.