Fighting to Survive Chapter 37
I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.
Donald Cragen could hear the slight commotion behind the door, intentionally taking a step back so as to be better seen through the peephole. He knew once he was identified the door would be opened quickly and as expected Elliot greeted him with the beginnings of a grin. Don waited patiently until Elliot stepped aside, his wordless invitation to enter easily heard.
Elliot closed the door without breaking eye contact with his former boss; his captain. "How'd you find me?"
"I know it's hard to believe, but there was a time I was a detective. A mighty fine one at that, if I do say so myself." Cragen smiled in spite of himself and was pleased to see Elliot smile as well.
Elliot motioned to the couch where he offered the older man a seat. He opted to stand, wondering but not asking the reason for Don's visit. "She didn't seem too excited about me deciding she should move out of her old apartment."
"Well, she didn't do so well when she went back there, did she?" Cragen shook his head as he looked around at the boxes that were scattered throughout the living area. "She'll be fighting for control for a long time to come, I'm sure. Even when she has it."
Elliot nodded knowing Don understood. Understood him, understood her, understood them. "Can I get you a drink? Cold water or warm beer. Haven't exactly had a chance to grocery shop."
"How about you just talk to me, Elliot." Cragen's tone was suddenly that of a commanding officer and he could tell Elliot couldn't help but respond as his insubordinate. "I want to know where you're at. Who you are, where you're going. I want to know how you are."
The glare Elliot offered wasn't meant to intimidate or even disguise. It was just his way of communicating when he wasn't sure what to say or even how to say it. He didn't know how to tell his former captain that he felt like he was drowning. He didn't know how to explain that he felt like his heart bled just a little more each time he took a deep breath. Each time he thought of Olivia, his soon to be ex-wife, his children. Jenna. "I'm good, Cap. I just wish there was more I could do, you know?"
"What is it you feel like you should be doing?" Cragen wasn't comfortable sitting and made his way into the kitchen in search of the cold water. "I ask because I think you're doing all you can...and then some."
"It's not enough."
Cragen returned to face Elliot and the two men simply stared at one another, neither wanting to speak. Finally Don sighed announcing he of course, understood.
"Do you think she will ever forgive me?" Elliot's question had a vulnerable tint to it and he was relieved nobody else was around to hear it.
"Do you think you will ever forgive yourself?" Don threw it back in a way that made Elliot cringe. "Probably should start there."
Elliot wanted to be angry at the lack of sympathy in Cragen's voice, but he knew he had done nothing to earn sympathy from any of his colleagues and friends at the one-six.
"Are you seeing anybody? Talking to anybody about the shooting? Kathy?" Don leaned up against an empty wall, crossing his arms over his chest. "Olivia?"
"No."
"Your marriage to Kathy is coming to an end. Your partnership with Olivia has ended. Where are you, son?" Cragen's tone changed once again and Elliot felt like if he wanted to it would be okay to cry in front of this man.
Elliot began to speak only to stop before any words were formed. He ran his hands over the top of his head, letting his fingers comb through his hair. He never let his hair grow out and he was always scratching at his beard. Where was he? "Cap, I feel like if I hadn't shut Olivia out, none of this would've happened to her. I know that guilt is misplaced, but that's how I feel. You even said she was upside down."
"Why did you shut her out?" Cragen had come with a purpose, and he wasn't one to beat around the bush, at least not for too long. "Nobody understands you like she does. Nobody would've been able to help you like she could. You got scared and you ran."
"I put my partner before the job. I shot that girl because I was afraid she would've shot Olivia." Elliot's words were nearly mumbled, but Don heard him loud and clear. "She hit Sister Peg who was only inches from Liv."
"You stopped her from killing anybody else. Nobody sees it any different." Cragen took a few steps closer to his detective. "Nobody can say how they would feel in that situation, how they'd react, but you stopped her. You had to."
"I put my partner before the job...again. We couldn't go on like that. Eventually I would've gotten her killed." Elliot startled at his own anger as his voice was suddenly too loud.
"So you transfer. Ask for a change of partner. Resign from the force altogether, but you don't shut out the people you care about." Cragen was suddenly just as angry. "You will always share a bond with Olivia, it's an unbreakable bond that will always tie her to you. You never turn your back on your partner. Never."
"Your partner is your responsibility. Your partner is your lifeline. You never turn your back on your partner." Elliot closed his eyes as he spoke. He remembered those lines from day one of the academy.
Cragen took the remaining steps so that he was face to face with Elliot. "You are here now. You couldn't walk away from her when Amaro told you what had happened. Don't turn your back on her now." Don slapped Elliot's arm as he started toward the door to leave.
"Cap?" Elliot felt there was more and found himself wondering if Cragen had said all that he had come to say.
"I took the liberty to set up a meeting with the department shrink. You're expected to be there at eight a.m." Cragen turned to face Elliot before continuing. He fielded his questioning gaze, hesitating before continuing. "You want to help Olivia, then start by helping yourself. You need help son. Get it."
"How? I've left the NYPD." Elliot was confused and didn't care if it showed. "I thought you called in all your favors already."
Don stared at Elliot Stabler. He knew Elliot was emotionally wounded when he turned his papers in and he also knew his plan could backfire at any time. He was willing to take the chance, for there was no such thing as risk when it came to protecting your people. "I never turned your papers in. You've been on leave all this time and you being reinstated will have to be approved by the department. You will have to undergo a full physch evaluation which I have set up for you...tomorrow."
Elliot felt his knees weaken and found it impossible to speak.
"You are still a member of the NYPD. You are still Detective Stabler. I suggest you get straight and get back to work. I also suggest maybe a transfer. You have been in the SVU entirely too long. Tends to make a person a bit jaded." Don didn't give Elliot a chance to respond, simply turning and leaving as soon as he stated his purpose.
Grace knew Trevor wanted to ride the wave and proceed as quickly as possible, but that didn't keep her from being surprised at his early morning phone call to meet him at his office immediately. She was no stranger to early morning appointments and she was waiting when Trevor finally showed.
"We may have a potential problem." Trevor Langan was not a morning person and didn't care if it showed in his temperament. He unlocked his office door, not even offering Grace as much as a 'good morning'.
Grace knew how these things often happened and forced herself to be patient while Trevor got himself situated. She also figured this would soon be her problem due to the urgent tone in his message.
"Roland Hicks. Ever hear of him?" Trevor barely glanced up to see if Grace knew the dangerous prosecutor. She had heard of him and her stomach turned as she put two and two together. The state was fighting fire with fire, so to speak, and they would use their toughest male prosecutor to deny Sara. "He will be prosecuting."
"Okay, then we'll just have to be that much more prepared." Grace spoke with a confidence she was not feeling and found herself wondering if Trevor now had his doubts about the chance of a victory for Sara.
Trevor was finally ready to focus on Grace as he leaned back in his chair. His eyes nearly burned through her as he stared her down. "How does Hicks know that Benson was preparing to be at the trial?"
Grace was suddenly alarmed. "I don't know, Sir."
Trevor pulled a piece of paper from the bottom of the stack he had just situated on his desk. "The state plans on calling Benson to help them paint the picture of just who Sara is to the jury. They will try to have her describe her as a child and also what happened at Taconic."
"Can they do that? What relevance does Taconic have in what happened before that with her father?" Grace forced the panic down and found she couldn't sit any longer.
"None. Doesn't mean they won't try to bring it up. That's my job to prevent that." Trevor motioned with his eyes for Grace to have a seat. "Your job will be to make sure Sara is ready...with or without Olivia present."
Grace couldn't hide the defeat that crossed her features. She knew how much Sara was counting on Olivia to be there. She knew how hard Olivia was working to be there for Sara. She knew how this could set them both back. "Sara won't testify without Olivia being there. Trevor, I really don't know if I will be able to persuade her to go on the stand and I am certain Olivia won't testify against her."
"She was the detective on scene when Sara was removed from the house. They will use what seems like a good thing for us and turn it quickly. They will call her as a hostile witness." Trevor slid the paper across the desk so that Grace could read it for herself.
Grace took her time reading every word before looking up at Trevor. "She's a patient at Bellevue, in the psychiatric ward. How credible would her testimony be given that?"
"It wouldn't be and Hicks knows that. He also knows she is working to get released so as to be at the trial." Trevor reached out, taking the paper from Grace and rereading it himself. "If she is well enough to be released, even on a day pass, she is competent enough to testify."
"Damn if she does, damned is she doesn't." Grace was angry, so very angry and she had absolutely no clue how to proceed.
Trevor Langan rarely showed emotion. He wasn't about that, he was all about business and he approached this upcoming trial in the same manner he would any other. Today, though, he could feel the pressure and he knew he needed Grace more than ever to be able to stay in the game. "Olivia Benson is a very smart woman, Grace. She will understand what the prosecution is doing. The bad thing is she is used to testifying for the prosecution, not against it. I suggest you work Sara knowing Olivia will not attend. It really is too much of a risk."
Grace stood knowing her next step would be to Bellevue. She had always looked forward to seeing Olivia, irregardless of her emotional state, but this time not so much. "This is definitely a catch twenty-two."
"It's up to Benson to decide what she wants to do, but ultimately it's your call." Langan returned to his paperwork and the phone that began to ring as soon as they were finished. Grace found herself focusing on that fact and not the task at hand.
Olivia was pleased to see that she had managed to sleep through the night, just about anyway. The nightmare that had woken her was in it's beginning scenes and the relief that came from her jumping awake was huge. She had showered and was content to read while she awaited breakfast and the first of her three sessions for today. Olivia took a few minutes to watch the light through the window as it erased the shadows on the wall. She couldn't help but recognize the how symbolic that really was.
The knocking on the door only pulled her attention slightly as it was about time for the nurses to start the next shift. She turned when she realized Grace was with the nurse. Olivia hated that she insisted on reading her visitors before hearing them out. It was too early for a visit; even from Grace. "What's wrong?"
Grace smiled at the nurse as she finished what she had to do and left the two women alone. "I know it's early, Olivia, but I wanted to stop by before heading to see Sara today."
Olivia nodded, waiting but realizing Grace was going to stick to her story; at least for now. "How'd it go yesterday?"
"We have a long way to go, but we'll get there." Grace attempted a smile. "In a lot of ways, Sara is still very much a child. She is also a woman way older than her years."
Olivia nodded again. She continued to wait, continued to read Grace.
"I have never been more nervous about a trial before. I want to help this girl so bad." Grace's voice broke and Olivia realized that their roles were reversing, even if only slightly.
"You and I both know that you can only do so much. It has to be Sara. She has to decide if she's strong enough to do this." Olivia could hear herself and suddenly she felt at least a little like her old self. "I know she is, you know she is, but does she know it?"
"No, not yet." Grace quickly composed herself and caught herself staring at Olivia. Sara had said Olivia had kind eyes and she very much did.
"What is it, Grace? What's going on." Olivia wouldn't wait any longer for she knew something had happened.
Grace paced for a few seconds before standing tall in front of Olivia. She started and stopped twice, thankful for the patience Olivia showed. "Roland Hicks is prosecuting Sara's case. He is probably New York's toughest prosecutor."
"Okay and as much as I hate to admit it, Trevor Langan is probably New York's best defense attorney." Olivia could feel there was more and her stomach turned in anticipation.
"The prosecution intends to call you due to you being the detective that removed Sara from her home as a child. Trevor believes they will try to drag Taconic in and the events that transpired there." Grace watched as Olivia put the puzzle together in her head. "Murdered twice."
"I worked to get her removed from the home because she was being abused by her father. How can that be damaging to her case?" Olivia knew Grace had the answer and she suddenly realized so did she.
"The intent is to call you as a..."
"Hostile witness." Olivia did know how this all worked and suddenly found herself doubting what they were doing to Sara.
The clock seemed louder than usual and the sound of the minutes ticking away only reminded both women of how much time they didn't have. "If you remain as a patient here at Bellevue, you cannot be called. If you are released, even on a pass, you will be considered competent to testify." Grace's voice had been a source of comfort for Olivia, but the way it wavered now only caused Olivia's heart to race.
Olivia closed her eyes, only to snap them open when images of Sara as a kid invaded her memory.
"Olivia? Talk to me." Grace forced herself to be that strong sounding board for Olivia once again.
"She needs me, Grace. I saw it in her eyes. I promised her I would be there."
"I know." Grace's words were nearly whispered.
"If I go and am called to testify against her, what will that do to her?" Olivia could hear the panic in her own voice and she knew Grace was now reading her.
"You have to go, Olivia. I will have to explain all this to her. I will have to make her understand." Grace suddenly was the Grace Ann Mills that Olivia had first met. "Trust me to do that."
Olivia stared at Grace for a long few moments. "I do trust you, but maybe it's best you don't mention this to her. I don't want to give her any reason to back out."
"Olivia, are you sure. She's young yes, but she's not dumb. I don't want there to be any surprises. She trusts me right now and that is all I have to work with." Grace waited for what Olivia had to say. This was Grace's area of expertise, but it wasn't her call. Not really, or at least not like Trevor said.
"I told Sara I would be there and I will." Olivia was adamant and Grace drew strength instantly from her. "I need to talk with Alex. Can you tell her I need to see her?"
"Of course." Grace could see the fire returning in Olivia's eyes and despite what they were about to face, it felt good to see Olivia wanting to fight.
"Grace, you get Sara ready. I will have Alex get me ready." Olivia smiled then and Grace could tell it was at least somewhat forced. "Hicks may be considered the best, but Alexandra Cabot has been our ADA for years. In my opinion she's the best there is."
"How will she know what Hicks will do? What he'll ask and so forth?" Grace knew Trevor hated going up against Alexandra Cabot, but this time she would be on his side.
"She'll know and she'll be able to tell me what not to say." Olivia let her head fall back against her pillows. Suddenly the good night sleep wasn't nearly enough to keep her from feeling the fatigue from the fight. She watched as Grace only nodded and turned to leave. Grace wore fatigue like a dress and Olivia couldn't help but feel for her. She wondered if she had ever known anybody quite like Grace Mills. She wondered what drove Grace. Olivia found herself not only worrying about Sara should they lose this case, but Grace as well. It was not hard to care about someone who cared so much about others.